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Grief

Doubts And/or Regrets

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Salam Alaykum brothers and sisters,

I really have been thinking hard about the future over the past few weeks. I mean, I'm going to be living alone away from home in a very short time and I'm trying to figure things out.

One of the things I've been thinking about is marriage. While it may be a few years away or only a little while a way (Allah knows), I've been having these thoughts. They may seem pretty baseless or possibly stupid or shallow to some of you, but I really hope some of the married brothers can relate to me in this and offer me some advice.

I feel that okay, once I get married to a good person, what happens then. I feel like I will always have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind about how there could possibly be someone better that is out there and that this will prevent me from loving my wife to the fullest extent. Now, I know this is induced by shaitan no doubt in an attempt to sabotage the relationship, but I honestly can't get rid of the feeling that whoever I marry, out of the billions of women in the world, there is someone better for me.

The problem with this mindset is that I will never be satisfied with what Allah gave me because of this nagging doubt.

Can any brothers or indeed sisters relate? Maybe share your experiences and how you solved this problem?

Keep in mind that this may not be applicable at all to any of your experiences and it may just be the teenager in me talking. I live in a society with abundant haram and it has no good effect on my personality or my character.

Thank you for any responses guys. I appreciate it.

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(wasalam) Brother,

 

I've had your thoughts before when I was younger, what stopped me from thinking in such a way is to lower your expectations for a spouse. Looking for someone in terms of that "Perfect someone" doesn't work prior to marriage in my opinion, marriage should be about two people sharing life experiences and becoming accustomed to each other, I don't believe seeing marriage as little to no difficulty is a very realistic or smart idea. Instead of thinking someone out there is better for you than your current spouse, why don't you try understanding your spouses personality and adapt to them yourself? The best you can do is to find someone who follows Islam correctly and grow in Iman with her until you die (Assuming you don't get divorced).

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(wasalam) Brother,

I've had your thoughts before when I was younger, what stopped me from thinking in such a way is to lower your expectations for a spouse. Looking for someone in terms of that "Perfect someone" doesn't work prior to marriage in my opinion, marriage should be about two people sharing life experiences and becoming accustomed to each other, I don't believe seeing marriage as little to no difficulty is a very realistic or smart idea. Instead of thinking someone out there is better for you than your current spouse, why don't you try understanding your spouses personality and adapt to them yourself? The best you can do is to find someone who follows Islam correctly and grow in Iman with her until you die (Assuming you don't get divorced).

I see what you mean... Thank you for the advice. Yeah I guess a relationship can blossom with anyone... In the end I guess it's not whether there's someone better out there, but if you can better yourselves together.

JazakAllah. I think I see the other angle of this situation now.

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Salam Alaikom,

 

Im actually the opposite. Anytime there is a potential person that could be my future spouse, I always think he is too good for me and I am not good enough for him. Although these thoughts come randomly, the same way I get random thoughts at uni if I could actually pass a hardcore engineering class. It is random instances of low self confidence, which I know is due to some occurrences during my childhood, but I it has allowed me to become humble in front of others and even if I have success in the future, I still think people in general are better than me. I guess it has its pros and cons, although I think there should be a balance between both. 

 

I think the best thing to do in your situation is just focus on your faults. When a person is so concerned about himself to see how he can become better, he won't be worried if his wife is not good enough for him, because he will be so wrapped around thinking how to improve himself. The main idea is to not look for other people's faults, but to just focus on urself and see how u can become better. Another thing is, once ur married, u will realize that ur wife will have some qualities that you don't, and u will have qualities that she doesn't, and therefore can perfect each other.

 

Don't over think it too much! At the end, you must have full Tawakol to Allah! :)

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Salam Alaikom,

Im actually the opposite. Anytime there is a potential person that could be my future spouse, I always think he is too good for me and I am not good enough for him. Although these thoughts come randomly, the same way I get random thoughts at uni if I could actually pass a hardcore engineering class. It is random instances of low self confidence, which I know is due to some occurrences during my childhood, but I it has allowed me to become humble in front of others and even if I have success in the future, I still think people in general are better than me. I guess it has its pros and cons, although I think there should be a balance between both.

I think the best thing to do in your situation is just focus on your faults. When a person is so concerned about himself to see how he can become better, he won't be worried if his wife is not good enough for him, because he will be so wrapped around thinking how to improve himself. The main idea is to not look for other people's faults, but to just focus on urself and see how u can become better. Another thing is, once ur married, u will realize that ur wife will have some qualities that you don't, and u will have qualities that she doesn't, and therefore can perfect each other.

Don't over think it too much! At the end, you must have full Tawakol to Allah! :)

Alaykum Salam.

Thanks for the input sis. I didn't mean "someone better" as in a person that has better characteristics morally and ethically than the wife I marry. That would be conceited because I know I'm not perfect and that I have flaws and it's not fair for a perfect person to marry a flawed person. I'm not talking about it in the sense that I will be "better" than my wife. That's a very arrogant assumption to make on my part if I did because I am far from perfect and I really can't judge others because of everything I have to look at within myself.

"why do you point out and pick the thorn in your brothers eye while ignoring the plank that is embedded in yours" - I don't know source

For that reason, I don't think about 'better' as in the moral sense or religious sense. I think about it as in personality and companionship. I feel like I will always feel there is someone more compatible with me out there... Someone that will be happier in my company and someone who's company I will enjoy more as well. My friend just finished university and he has these exact thoughts, but he thinks they will go away after he finds a good person.

At the end of the day, these thoughts are extremely dangerous as they can destroy marriages (as I've seen) and I really wanted another outlook on it. Toast gave a nice answer as to what I should be thinking about instead, but these thoughts, like yours, are involuntary (And probably based on some of my childhood experiences too. I have seen marriages fail because of incompatibility...) and I feel like I will never be ready to get married because if the thoughts don't go away, it won't end well.

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. JazakAllah.

You don't have to lower your standards at all. Simply marry a girl that you will not have those thoughts of regret about. It's simple

It's easier said than done to find someone that compatible, but Insh'Allah. Allah is the best of planners. Edited by BuggyLemon

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Every time you think 'what if I could find someone better' you should think 'she could have found someone much much better than me and yet she didnt. She chose me'

 

Because really....how do you have the right to think that way if you arent all that great yourself? Please dont take it the wrong way I am not trying to insult you or anything but we are all human and not perfect. The fact that you think you could 'do better' is a sign of your ego and thinking that "I am better, thus I deserve better". Unless you are prince charming (insert every wild thing a girl could want - model looks, tall dark and handsome, broad shoulders and well built; and at the same time super smart and can speak 10 different languages and highly educated with a medical degree a law degree and every other degree, filthy rich, and yet in touch with your emotional side, very caring and romantic, etc etc - -- LOL this list is making me laugh really hard) then how can you expect her to be perfect, and better yet what makes you think anyone else will think of you as highly too?

 

We are all flawed and thats perfectly fine. None of us have the perfect characteristics of a 'perfect spouse'. But before wondering if there is a better more perfect spouse out there ( and umm...if they are perfect why would they want someone not perfect like you?) you should work on improving yourself :)

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Remember that outer beauty will always be topped no matter what happens. In this case, consider marrying what you find to be pretty and stick with it. Yes, you will find a prettier person but that does not matter since you need to look hard at the personality traits. No doubt prettiness is important but you will not be able to live with an uneducated or morally-incorrect person.

 

All of my life I have told myself that there shall be no regrets. It is a Taoist/Buddhist belief. Having no regrets means anything that would occur in your lifetime would be a lesson, nothing to frown upon. You need to completely remove the concept of regret from your life. Some people will state that regret is necessary for 'tawba' but that is not true. You do not need to regret to do 'tawba'. You need to learn that what has been done was wrong and the only way to bring back your soul into place is tawba. 

 

Life has many sides and you will have to look at it through many vertices because choosing one angle throughout your whole life will teach you less than looking at the whole dimensional figure.

 

Companionship is about what you can do for each other. It is about building one another. It is not a notion or an abstraction of whether I would find a better person. If you do find a better person then that is good for them, they have achieved that state with their own experience. But you need not call off a marriage or feel regret simply because your partner is not on the same level of the other person. Build your partner to be better and you will see her as the most beautiful person in the world; inwardly and outwardly.

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Every time you think 'what if I could find someone better' you should think 'she could have found someone much much better than me and yet she didnt. She chose me'

Because really....how do you have the right to think that way if you arent all that great yourself? Please dont take it the wrong way I am not trying to insult you or anything but we are all human and not perfect. The fact that you think you could 'do better' is a sign of your ego and thinking that "I am better, thus I deserve better". Unless you are prince charming (insert every wild thing a girl could want - model looks, tall dark and handsome, broad shoulders and well built; and at the same time super smart and can speak 10 different languages and highly educated with a medical degree a law degree and every other degree, filthy rich, and yet in touch with your emotional side, very caring and romantic, etc etc - -- LOL this list is making me laugh really hard) then how can you expect her to be perfect, and better yet what makes you think anyone else will think of you as highly too?

We are all flawed and thats perfectly fine. None of us have the perfect characteristics of a 'perfect spouse'. But before wondering if there is a better more perfect spouse out there ( and umm...if they are perfect why would they want someone not perfect like you?) you should work on improving yourself :)

If you would have actually read my above posts, you wouldn't have wasted your time...

Remember that outer beauty will always be topped no matter what happens. In this case, consider marrying what you find to be pretty and stick with it. Yes, you will find a prettier person but that does not matter since you need to look hard at the personality traits. No doubt prettiness is important but you will not be able to live with an uneducated or morally-incorrect person.

All of my life I have told myself that there shall be no regrets. It is a Taoist/Buddhist belief. Having no regrets means anything that would occur in your lifetime would be a lesson, nothing to frown upon. You need to completely remove the concept of regret from your life. Some people will state that regret is necessary for 'tawba' but that is not true. You do not need to regret to do 'tawba'. You need to learn that what has been done was wrong and the only way to bring back your soul into place is tawba.

Life has many sides and you will have to look at it through many vertices because choosing one angle throughout your whole life will teach you less than looking at the whole dimensional figure.

Companionship is about what you can do for each other. It is about building one another. It is not a notion or an abstraction of whether I would find a better person. If you do find a better person then that is good for them, they have achieved that state with their own experience. But you need not call off a marriage or feel regret simply because your partner is not on the same level of the other person. Build your partner to be better and you will see her as the most beautiful person in the world; inwardly and outwardly.

Perfect. Thank you for your input brother.

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Salam Alaykum brothers and sisters,

I really have been thinking hard about the future over the past few weeks. I mean, I'm going to be living alone away from home in a very short time and I'm trying to figure things out.

One of the things I've been thinking about is marriage. While it may be a few years away or only a little while a way (Allah knows), I've been having these thoughts. They may seem pretty baseless or possibly stupid or shallow to some of you, but I really hope some of the married brothers can relate to me in this and offer me some advice.

I feel that okay, once I get married to a good person, what happens then. I feel like I will always have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind about how there could possibly be someone better that is out there and that this will prevent me from loving my wife to the fullest extent. Now, I know this is induced by shaitan no doubt in an attempt to sabotage the relationship, but I honestly can't get rid of the feeling that whoever I marry, out of the billions of women in the world, there is someone better for me.

The problem with this mindset is that I will never be satisfied with what Allah gave me because of this nagging doubt.

Can any brothers or indeed sisters relate? Maybe share your experiences and how you solved this problem?

Keep in mind that this may not be applicable at all to any of your experiences and it may just be the teenager in me talking. I live in a society with abundant haram and it has no good effect on my personality or my character.

Thank you for any responses guys. I appreciate it.

 

Here's the problem with your mentality.

 

You haven't organized your wants/needs.

 

What is it EXACTLY you want out of your future potential wife?

 

Write your wants/needs/expectations out on a piece of paper, get a good idea, then go about approaching it when the day/time comes.

 

But if you randomly marry a beautiful attractive Muslim woman, who prays and is attractive, but you no very little to nothing about her, you're going to see some of her imperfections and they're going to be problematic and you're going to feel like you shot yourself in the foot, the same with her as well if she doesn't know what to expect out of you. 

 

Some people like to travel, some hate it. Some people are outgoing, some are not. Some people like to be wealthy, others tend to be modest, some very simple. This is why you have to break everything down. 

 

Obviously after several years, you'll probably see each other's natural inherent weaknesses but I believe by that time there aren't any serious complications or worries as you guys got the big picture and knew what your biggest wants/needs/expectations were out of each other. The more important points were addressed before any room could be left for remorse or guilt. Good luck!

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Here's the problem with your mentality.

 

You haven't organized your wants/needs.

 

What is it EXACTLY you want out of your future potential wife?

 

Write your wants/needs/expectations out on a piece of paper, get a good idea, then go about approaching it when the day/time comes.

 

But if you randomly marry a beautiful attractive Muslim woman, who prays and is attractive, but you no very little to nothing about her, you're going to see some of her imperfections and they're going to be problematic and you're going to feel like you shot yourself in the foot, the same with her as well if she doesn't know what to expect out of you. 

 

Some people like to travel, some hate it. Some people are outgoing, some are not. Some people like to be wealthy, others tend to be modest, some very simple. This is why you have to break everything down. 

 

Obviously after several years, you'll probably see each other's natural inherent weaknesses but I believe by that time there aren't any serious complications or worries as you guys got the big picture and knew what your biggest wants/needs/expectations were out of each other. The more important points were addressed before any room could be left for remorse or guilt. Good luck!

Thank you bro :D .

 

That was one of the more helpful posts. I really took benefit from all you said.

 

JazakAllah.

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I know where you are coming from. Personally, I think these thoughts are normal. Well, perhaps not normal. Normal in the sense that many have them. But they are certainly from the Shaytan. Most people have these two thoughts: 1) either they view themselves as 'not good enough' and/or 2) they think they 'could do better' or there is someone better out there for them. In either instances, both thoughts are from the Shaytan. Anything that is good for you or will bring you success he happiness, he's ready to tear down and destroy. Whether it be study, working out, eating well, marriage, friends, family, Islamic duties, etc. And just because you're married he isn't gonna take a vacation. In regards to those thoughts and feelings, it's just a reality bro. I mean seriously, of course there is bound to be someone out there who is better than your spouse. But that's it. They aren't your spouse. They either are or will be someone else's. We ought to be content with what Allah has decreed for us. I'm convinced the less social contact one has with the opposite sex prior to marriage, the more they would appreciate their spouse after marriage.

And if you want a wife with x, y, z qualities than make sure you think about this seriously before you approach girl x for marriage. Cos once you get married that's it. Your stuck with her. To overcome this you need to tell yourself that no matter who you marry you will love them and treat them well and do your best as a husband (and one day insha'Allah as a father) to fulfil your obligations towards your wife and children.

Besides, if it was any other girl and you guys were married, you'd love her just as much. The Shaytan is always gonna put thoughts in your mind about your wife and making you think there are better and prettier girls out there. It's all nonsense yet true at the same time. The reality is there are better woman/men out there but you haven't married them, you have married x. If you wanted a more religious girl than you should of married a more religious girl. If you wanted a wife who you found more attractive than you should of married one who you find more attractive. It's a huge decision and it takes time. From what I've learnt, rushing into things is a bad move and you become overtaken by emotion and you don't think clearly when emotions are involved.

But at the end of the day, Shaytan will always play mind games with you. Perhaps he just uses different tactics after marriage.

Good luck bro

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(salam) 

 

Imam Abi-l-Hassan-ir-Rida [AS] narrates from Imam Amir ul Mu'mineen Ali [AS] who said:

 

"The best women among you are those who have five qualities."

 

Amir ul Mu'mineen [AS] was requested what those five were when he said:

  1. She is easy-going, obedient, humble, and economical to her husband.
  2. She is good tempered to him.
  3. She is cooperative and helpful to him in difficulties.
  4. Whenever her husband is angry or depressed, she does not rest until she finds him happy and pleased.
  5. When her husband is absent from her, she protects his belongings in his absence.

"Such a woman is an agent (of the agents of Allah) and the agent of Allah will not be disappointed."

Al-Kafi, vol. 5, p. 324

 

There are many right's on both sides; however, if you are suggesting that you may marry someone who might not keep you happy, look at this list. A woman who can fulfill these right's will keep you happy, lest you might not have those thought's anymore. You; as a man, also have to keep her right's in order as well; it takes an effort for both partner's.

 

Now, you might say to yourself, how will I know if she can fulfill these five qualities until I actually get married to her. My answer to you, dear brother...find a religious woman (meaning look to her religion first). Everyone here gave good advice, in the sense that you should make a list and put it on paper. This isn't a bad idea; however, look at who you are and then set your expectation's. As a wife's duty to her husband, she should do everything to honour him and make him happy. If a woman is following the Imam's advice, it would seem to me that you wouldn't have these thought's, so make sure you look to a woman who is aware.

 

Two people should compliment each other, and strive to make each other happy. Take your time to get to know her, and see (in your heart) if she is the type of person who can fulfill your "list." She should also do the same with you as a husband.

 

I wish you the best in your search and journey, Insha'Allah khair :) 

 

Fee Amaanillah, AB313 

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Don't worry, it's just the teenager in you that's talking. When I was a teenager I thought I was too hot to marry some modest men (LOL as if they would want a girl like me) but you'll grow out of it. You should just leave the marriage thing to alalh, and as a teenager, you shouldn't think about marriage AT ALL! You aren't ready, so stop worrying about it. Just focus on your school, keep yourself busy, enjoy your youth while you're at it. um, before u know it, you'll meet someone who'll meet your standards, and get married to her/him (whatever gender you are, didn't read your whole post).

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Don't worry, it's just the teenager in you that's talking. When I was a teenager I thought I was too hot to marry some modest men (LOL as if they would want a girl like me) but you'll grow out of it. You should just leave the marriage thing to alalh, and as a teenager, you shouldn't think about marriage AT ALL! You aren't ready, so stop worrying about it. Just focus on your school, keep yourself busy, enjoy your youth while you're at it. um, before u know it, you'll meet someone who'll meet your standards, and get married to her/him (whatever gender you are, didn't read your whole post).

My problem is not that I think I'll be too good for them (I'm not perfect either and I hold no delusions about it), although it may seem that that is what I'm saying. It's just doubts about compatibility.

Sis, every scholar I've ever met tells me to start thinking about marriage early... Lol. One sheikh even said "Find a wife as soon as you go to uni, even if you don't have money. Allah will take care of that."

I don't necessarily agree with the financial advice (lol), but they all suggest early marriage and it makes sense.

Yeah I guess I'll grow out of it. Thanks.

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