Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله

I Need Advice Please Help(Marriage)

Rate this topic


syeda24

Recommended Posts

  • Advanced Member

syeda24,

 

(salam)
 
Just be careful whatever you decide.
 
I hope you two love each other and can make it work out, but know that Pakistan is very dangerous and people are intolerant of different views.
 
I would hate to see either of you hurt or stoned to death, beheaded, or something ridiculous all because you're Shi'a or he is Sunni.
 
Religion is very damaging to people and society, it has caused so much hatred, intolerance, rape, torture, war, and stunted the growth of nations and culture.
 
Please don't let go of your education under any circumstance... I think it is very hard for females to get educated in Pakistan especially once they're married.
 
You seem very nice and intelligent, you are very lucky to be in America... 
 
I don't know how to help you but I just hope you are safe and whatever is best happens.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

Walekum Salam, if he is saying that he accepts the Wilayat of Imam Ali(a.s) that means He DOES accept it by heart because he is not one of those who can change their faith just for the sake of love or green card.

The guy and his family is ready to talk to my family regarding the proposal. The biggest problem is my father's attitude. My dad asked me to leave his house just because I asked him (ofcourse very politely) why he's treating me so bad? And he start yelling at me again and said get out of my sight or if u dun want to follow my orders then get out of my house. His words and tone hurts me a lot. Whenever I think of his behavior I start crying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

I know the guy and I will live happily with eachother. He is well educated and open minded,so he doesn't mind if I want to continue my education.

We truly love eachother and our understanding is BETTER than "Best" . we want to get married as soon as possible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

If worse comes, then you can always say to your father that you are an adult and you love and respect your father but you feel pain because of how he is treating you.

 

Ask your father if he can quote when Prophet Muhammad ever treated Fatima the way he is treating you.

 

It is very wrong for him to treat you that way.

 

Muhammad was gentle and loving and spoke softly towards Fatima.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Again, your father is your wali and you need his permission for marriage. He has a legit reason to decline proposal. No matter how many times you repeat that you Love each other and what not, you still need permission. We have all heard what you have said, and the bottomline is you have to sort things out with your dad and he has to agree with such a wedding. If he doesn't well then tough luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Sister, may Allah(s.w.a) help you and grant you sucess

 

He has the right to object if the potential husband's deen or aklaq is not correct. If what you said is correct, regarding him believing in the Wilayat and Imamate of Imam Ali(a.s), and if he does the wajib and avoids the haram and he has good manners with you and your family, then your father has no right to object (Islamically). If his deen and aklaq are correct according to consensus from the community you belong to and your father still objects for some other reasons, then his objection is no longer valid, he is considered uthool, and you can marry without the permission of your father (this is according to fatawa of all maraja that I am familiar with including Sayyid Sistani(ha) and Sayyid Khameni(ha). 

 

At the same time, if you do that (marry without the permission of your father), you are choosing an uphill road. You will not be held accountable in the next life (if his objection is not based on deen or aklaq) but you may suffer some problems in this life. You need to weight that against the benefits you will get. Salam, and again I wish you and your family success and hapiness. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Walekum Salam, if he is saying that he accepts the Wilayat of Imam Ali(a.s) that means He DOES accept it by heart because he is not one of those who can change their faith just for the sake of love or green card.

The guy and his family is ready to talk to my family regarding the proposal. The biggest problem is my father's attitude. My dad asked me to leave his house just because I asked him (ofcourse very politely) why he's treating me so bad? And he start yelling at me again and said get out of my sight or if u dun want to follow my orders then get out of my house. His words and tone hurts me a lot. Whenever I think of his behavior I start crying.

ok, if you are so confident better u leave and start your journey, and even if u fail in this, I am sure you will become more strong and more mature.

 

but prayers are for your success.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Again, your father is your wali and you need his permission for marriage. He has a legit reason to decline proposal. No matter how many times you repeat that you Love each other and what not, you still need permission. We have all heard what you have said, and the bottomline is you have to sort things out with your dad and he has to agree with such a wedding. If he doesn't well then tough luck.

This is the ultimate test for most believers... To go with your feelings/desires or to go with the laws. 

 

Sister, this is your test. Trust in your father's doubts about the guy, because he has a perfectly legitimate excuse. The legacy you produce is at stake here, and so is your obedience to Allah.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

This is the ultimate test for most believers... To go with your feelings/desires or to go with the laws. 

 

Sister, this is your test. Trust in your father's doubts about the guy, because he has a perfectly legitimate excuse. The legacy you produce is at stake here, and so is your obedience to Allah.

My father does not know about the guy,so what doubts are you talking about?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

i cannot marry  without my father's permission but can i visit my grandmother without his permission?

my mom always says do what your heart says,never base your decisions on others opinions because its your life, you are living it; you know what you are going through not others. i want to change my life. i have suffered a lot.

 i am an academic scholar and my dad compares me with my failure cousins. in fact, he says that i am a failure and my cousin is better than me. what else do you guys want to know? there is a long list. i did everything to make my dad happy but still he treats me bad and says bad things to me. SORRY i am not an angel,i am a human and i cant take it anymore. i want to start a new life with that guy. i know i will be happy with him.


and i appreciate all of you for your posts. it means a lot to me. Thanks everyone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My father does not know about the guy,so what doubts are you talking about?

Oh, I was under the assumption you had already broken the ice. 

 

In any case, for argument's sake, lets assume your father's permission is not required. Now think about this clearly before answering: after weighing the pros and cons of this marriage, do you see compatibility between you and the guy in terms of beliefs? Do you see your children following him or you, or worse, falling apart due to the conflicts? Do you see/not see a massive likelihood that the guy just wants to get the green card?

 

Also, take into account the ahadith which talk about how undesirable it is to marry someone who loves the enemies of the Ahlul Bayt (as)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Veteran Member

Syeda 24! I know you are dealing with a hard situation but marriage is not the solution. It will only make your life harder. Why don't you try to get a part time job? You will be spending less time at home, and your parents will not object. Your plan about going to Pakistan and getting married to him is very dangerous. I have seen girls who are trouble makers, they go to Pakistan for few days, and they end up spending months there and when they come back, they are "tamed, obedient daughters of their parents". Good thing is he will probably not agree because he is using you to get green card. You have to complete your education and then find the right guy who is God-fearing. You cannot marry any guy who is available. You have to deal with your father but at least you have your family who supports you. What if he turns out to be worse than you father? You will have no family to support you. 

The stuff you said about not marrying any one because you love him, well if you marry a Pakistani, I can assure you your husband will not care about that. In fact, you will forget about that guy in few days. You will be worried about survival only and you will forget about love.

All the things he is saying about religion, he is only saying because that's what you want to hear. You have a great life and you are trying to ruin it for a SUNNI guy. 

Edited by Mokhtar2012
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

you are 23 and you was in flirting relation with sunni guy from last 8 years?

 

 

 

 

 

 

so you started it all at 15?

 

 

 

 

I think your dad has his all reasons to abuse.

 

I was not really opting on replying but the amount of sheer stupid advice coming from the "followers" of the Ahul Bayt made me type this out. How can you in your logical state give a clean chit to any form of abuse!!! Apologies for stating this but I can only imagine what a monster of a father/husband/brother you will or are being. Just the comments from this forum gives me reason to see the sad state of our community.

 

Sister I can understand your situation. I think in my opinion you need to firmly establish the point that life is ONE TOUGH challenge. This phase you are going though with this Boy can temporarly give you some kind of relief(which can be artificial to a certain degree). But if you feel you would like to spend your life with him, I will strongly suggest you to get this sorted between the you and him. Dont think you will be living in a fairy land with him being your prince in shining armor. Plus sister you cannot let infatuation get the better of you. You as a female need to be very, very smart. Men can very easily make female slip down the bottle with sweet words and big talks(I have seen this so often). How sure are you of his genuineness?? Are you confident of this intentions?? Many a men love flirting and have a list of females who they promise there love to. 

 

One super strong advice that I would give you is to make your self independent. Study hard, pursue a career you love so that you will never be dependent of anyone. 

 

With your father you need to take a strong but non-egoistic stance(remember Men have big egos's, especially some fathers). You need to tell you father that this way of behavior is not acceptable better yet not Islamic. 

 

Take care Sister and be very careful of every decision you take, like is precious. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yes I am very strict and in your words monster...  :dry:

 

father/brother/husband

 

I dont let any thing unislamic activity run in my presence.

 

 

I was not really opting on replying but the amount of sheer stupid advice coming from the "followers" of the Ahul Bayt made me type this out. How can you in your logical state give a clean chit to any form of abuse!!! Apologies for stating this but I can only imagine what a monster of a father/husband/brother you will or are being. Just the comments from this forum gives me reason to see the sad state of our community.

 

Sister I can understand your situation. I think in my opinion you need to firmly establish the point that life is ONE TOUGH challenge. This phase you are going though with this Boy can temporarly give you some kind of relief(which can be artificial to a certain degree). But if you feel you would like to spend your life with him, I will strongly suggest you to get this sorted between the you and him. Dont think you will be living in a fairy land with him being your prince in shining armor. Plus sister you cannot let infatuation get the better of you. You as a female need to be very, very smart. Men can very easily make female slip down the bottle with sweet words and big talks(I have seen this so often). How sure are you of his genuineness?? Are you confident of this intentions?? Many a men love flirting and have a list of females who they promise there love to. 

 

One super strong advice that I would give you is to make your self independent. Study hard, pursue a career you love so that you will never be dependent of anyone. 

 

With your father you need to take a strong but non-egoistic stance(remember Men have big egos's, especially some fathers). You need to tell you father that this way of behavior is not acceptable better yet not Islamic. 

 

Take care Sister and be very careful of every decision you take, like is precious. 


most probably her father is aware how she is chit chatting all day on mobile/laptop.

 

and this is what is making him upset.

 

any ways... father can never abuse, specially to his daughter unless he has some solid reason for it.

Edited by Awesomeness
Link to comment
Share on other sites

With your father you need to take a strong but non-egoistic stance(remember Men have big egos's, especially some fathers). You need to tell you father that this way of behavior is not acceptable better yet not Islamic. 

 

Take care Sister and be very careful of every decision you take, like is precious. 

You have only seen one side of coin and jumped the gun. Making the father a monster without hearing his side? Maybe he suffers from something? Instead your advice is to pack up and become independent and run away from problem, breaking the family?

Again, I am sort of surprised how easily people want to leave families and run to strangers because grass is always greener on other side.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

Okay I will try to make things better between me and my dad. Some people here doesn't know the reality and giving comments based on their assumptions. I love my family and I don't need to prove it.

Sorry for the late replies.(I'm not feeling well at all)

Pray for me!

Thanks everyone for your posts. Take care.

Allah Hafiz.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

Bismillah

Salaam Syeda24,

I didnt want to reply either but seeing some of the responses and the fact you say you don't have a community you can speak to for advise etc. i would advise as a sister you should really be working towards your independence. Finish your education, (study more if u can), earn your own money, rely solely upon yourself.

It sounds like your father is a dominating factor, he may well be upset a) you're a girl (especially if he was wanting a boy) b) you are educated - and maybe its your scholarship thats uprooted your family from Pakistan? - i dont know, c) you know your father better than all of us but if you are marrying this guy to get away from your father, then i don't think thats the right way to go about it.

Marriage is a massive commitment, it all looks sweet from far, but the actual living with someone, day in day out, taking responsibiity etc. its hard work.

I'm not going to advise for or against the whole 'sunni' side of things because i don't feel you really truthfully care about listening to advise on that part.

Of course you can go to Pakistan to meet your grandmother am sure your father won't mind that- would he? I mean, earn your own money, book your ticket and go. What you end up doing in Pakistan is up to you and your grandmother. But if you don't return or end up marrying someone out there, will there be real repercussions to your mother and/or to any other siblings?

Think about it properly rather than your emotional side of things.

Sometimes our test is our parents and we really need to calmly figure whats right for them. I mean if your father has been abusive towards your mother...isn't it upon the children to protect her? Wouldn't you want to keep her safe and happy? If you are earning, you are able to afford somewhere else to live and take your mother with you. I just get the impression that there comes a time when one needs to put their parents happiness and safety before their own.

You are 23, you have your whole life ahead of you. 23 is not old. And please don't act like a damsel in distress either. Syeda Fatima (sa) and Syeda Zainab (sa) are guiding lights for all but especially for women...ask them (sa) for help, they (sa) surely will. Do tasbeeh of Syeda Fatima (sa) after every prayer and before you sleep...it removes distress.

Think about this properly, write things down, write down different scenario's, seek Islamic guidance or write something down here for more input. In the end it is your choice. At this precise moment, on this very day maybe things are feeling suffocating/and no way out solution but with patience and sincerely supplicating to Allah swt to help you-you will find an answer to your problems but please don't kid yourself that marriage is the solution; it may give part relief but will not be the complete solution. Study, work, be independent and then make a decision about marriage. It's so important to have something to fall back on. You should be proud of the academic achievements..do you think Allah swt has endowed that upon you to then give up on it? No. So don't waste it. Use it to better your future and your family's.

Best wishes with whatever you decide to do. And forgive me if i've unknowingly said something to offend you.

Salaams and dua's

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

Okay I will try to make things better between me and my dad. Some people here doesn't know the reality and giving comments based on their assumptions. I love my family and I don't need to prove it.

Sorry for the late replies.(I'm not feeling well at all)

Pray for me!

Thanks everyone for your posts. Take care.

Allah Hafiz.

 

Ok here is the list of some Shia organizations in Texas, inshAllah you will be able to find someone to speak to. Maybe even to help with you and your fathers relationship. Good luck dear, I'm praying for you. 
  • Anjuman Pasban-e-Aza

    P.O.Box 770308

    Houston, Texas 77215-0308

    Phone: (713) 952-4384

    Contact: Raza Zaidi or Imran Rizvi

    Contact E-Mail: rzaidi@aol.com

    http://www.pasban-e-aza.com

     

  • Islamic Ahlul Bayt Association

    P.O.Box 151231

    Austin, TX 78715

    (512) 291-9855

    Contact: Hasnain Yusufali

    Contact E-Mail: webmaster@iaba-austin.org 

    URL: http://www.iaba-austin.org 

     

  • Anjuman Haideria

    Islamic Education Center - Houston

    2313 S. Voss, Houston, Texas 77089 

    Phone number: 713-787-5000, 281-584-5706 

    Contact person: Jafar Nouchedehi 

    E-mail: jafar@aspentec.com 

    http://www.iec-houston.org 

     

  • Islamic Propagation Foundation

    6315 Gulfton, Houston TEXAS 77274

    Phone Number: (713) 981-4934

    Contact: Syed Mohammed Alsuwaij

     

  • The Metroplex Organization of Muslims in North America (MOMIN)

    1019 Perry Road, Irving Texas 75060

    Contact Phone - 972-554-0200

     

  • Al-Hadi School of Accelerative Learning

    2313 S. Voss, Houston, TX 77043

    Phone Number: 713-787-0207

    Contact: Jafar Nouchedehi

    Contact E-Mail: jafar@aspentech.com

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
  • Advanced Member

assalam o alikum.

                                 i dont know any body who commented here did  went through ever in this situation or not but trust me i m live example of this kind of relation and also trust me this is very hard to live with. this is not worked with me even i m shia guy and girl was sunni. so according to u u were at the age of 15 when u fallen love with that guy and i am not sure that is proper age for love or relation.if u have courage to leave ur family and ur future kids to be a non shia (not azaadar ) then go head try ur luck .but remember when ur mom will cry and ur dad will cry then things changed...u have to face lot of stuff be strong or forget it ...jazakallah

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Veteran Member

Can anyone tell me some Dua to make things better.my dad hit me for no reason.

I am really sorry to hear that. I will say read ziyarat-e-aashura, it will take you 10 minutes. Read it every day. 

Also, you probably know Nad-e-Ali. Also do vird of Amman yujeebul Muztarra iza da'ahoo wayak shifosoo, but make sure you do it with wuzoo. Give sadqa everyday. InshahAllah things will get better. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

Asalam Alykum,

 

I am sad to hear about your situation. Anyway, no matter what you do, sort out a career first. You need money and a stable job. If the man loves you and been waiting for 8 years or so then surely little bit longer won´t hurt. Once you are independent/financially stable then make decisions. He shouldn´t have hit you and I don´t know your family situations/circumstances. What you do will affect the whole family. Stage 1 should be financial stability. Then do what you have to. If things don´t work out or whatever at least you would have a way out and a career. Congratulations on the scholarship. 

 

And no, your life is not miserable, her´s was:

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1340207/I-didnt-think-Iraqis-humans-says-U-S-soldier-raped-14-year-old-girl-killing-her-family.html

 

or her´s

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fritzl_case

 

Ma´Salam.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

you are a scholar? that too in America?

 

and you think to suicide for a paki?

 

I think some thing is seriously wrong with you.

becafeful what r u trying to say about pakistan or pakistani. i m pakistani and proud to be . the girl who is going to merry with that guy  is  also pakistani born  so dont try to act like a fool or racist .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Basic Members

Be sure that he is really the one you want. I know of Shia who have married Sunni and they are happy together and have families. Sit down and talk to your dad about it, explain to him what you feel and why you feel this way. If you marry him, are you going to leave your family and move to Pakistan? Or will he leave his family and go to the US with you? There are sooo many things you have to take into consideration BEFORE you marry him. Please don't make a huge mistake. Know what you want in life...do you want to work? Or do you want to stay home and raise your family? If you moved to Pakistan, how often will you see your family in the US? What about when you have kids, where is it best for them? I can go on and on...just think about everything before you make this decision in your life. I'm not going to tell you what's right or wrong - you're old enough to understand these things on your own. I'm just telling you to please think about your decision, don't jump into anything you're not ready for, or that you haven't talked about.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

Be sure that he is really the one you want. I know of Shia who have married Sunni and they are happy together and have families. Sit down and talk to your dad about it, explain to him what you feel and why you feel this way. If you marry him, are you going to leave your family and move to Pakistan? Or will he leave his family and go to the US with you? There are sooo many things you have to take into consideration BEFORE you marry him. Please don't make a huge mistake. Know what you want in life...do you want to work? Or do you want to stay home and raise your family? If you moved to Pakistan, how often will you see your family in the US? What about when you have kids, where is it best for them? I can go on and on...just think about everything before you make this decision in your life. I'm not going to tell you what's right or wrong - you're old enough to understand these things on your own. I'm just telling you to please think about your decision, don't jump into anything you're not ready for, or that you haven't talked about.

Thanks for your reply.

i am sure what i want. if explaining him was so easy then i would have done it before. he abuses me verbally daily for no reason, so do you really think he will even listen to me? he has problem with everything; he yells at me because i am sitting or watching TV. he even hit because i was taking some rest after working all day in kitchen. WHY?????? what is my mistake?? anyone can answer me? NO, nobody here can imagine the life i am living. once i tried to explain him that whatever he thinks is TOTALLY WRONG but he did not even listen a single word. moreover, he was yelling at me and said get out of my home.

i tried everything to please him but he is the most un-thankful man i have ever known. I had an interview for job and after coming home my dad started yelling at me saying "nobody will give you job. have you ever seen yourself in mirror? you are a loser and etc."  Is this he suppose to say? is this encouragement? i am sick of him. i did everything but he still humiliate me and degrades me.  

and the day he hit me, he even tried to kick me out of home. this is not all, i can go on and on.

 

Did Holy Prophet(s.a.w.w) ever said treat your daughter like this?

Edited by syeda24
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...