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In the Name of God بسم الله

I Need Advice Please Help(Marriage)

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syeda24

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I appreciate you all for your time and posts. Thank you :)

 

I'd advise you ask the guy if he's okay converting to Shia maddhab and then check his reaction to it. Because you know each other since 8 years, have you addressed the issue of your children and what sect they'd follow?

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Salam, 

 

It seems you have already made up your mind that you're going to marry him. So why come here to ask for advice ? 

 

I would just add that the only way that marriage to him would be recommended, according to teaching of Ahl Al  Bayt, is if he accepts the Wilayat of Imam Ali(a.s) before marriage. Otherwise, your future and the future of your (someday) children are very much uncertain. Also, if religion becomes a source of conflict in  your house, your children will react to this and will most likely become atheist or agnostic. You shouldn't let your emotions take over your aql. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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syeda24,

 

Soooooo many people have this same exact problem as you.  Many also have similar problems but without religion involved.

 

If you want to marry him regardless of what other people think, then you don't need to ask a forum or get anyone's permission.

 

But if you want to do something the Islamic way then you should go speak to a well-learned Sheikh or consult your Marja'a.  You can write a personal letter to your Marja'a and receive a personal response regarding your situation.

 

If you don't care about what the Islamic rulings are then there is no use in asking an Islamic forum for advice.

 

It sounds to me like you already made up your mind.  In that case you should tell your family that you're marrying him and moving to Pakistan.

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Most probably he will agree to be shia, no matter how hard a paki or indian try they always hear this sound in darkest corner of heart

'grab the Green card'

 

 

guy has invested 8 years of his life and now wont let green card slip his hands at any cost.

 

:lol:


true test would be ask him to swear he will never apply for GREEN CARD, and then see his reaction :D

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I already told you all that he doesn't want green card!!!!!

He said I wanna marry you because I want to live,laugh,grow with you not because of a green card. If u throw ur green card in a trash can then still I want to marry you

I have already told him that I won't apply for green card for you and he said I dont.even want it.

And yes I'm SYED.

Alaysalam, I want to talk to a religious scholar regarding my problem but there is no Shia masjid or Imam bargah. I don't even have a contact number or email address of any Shia scholar. If you know any please let me know.

The guy I want to marry has never asked me to convert to Sunnism. Once I.asked him.that if we got married then what sect.our kids will follow? Shia or Sunni? He replied "they will follow what we all should follow. No Shia or Sunni, just Muslim. They will follow the teaching of Holy Quran, Holy Prophet(s) and Ahle-bayt(a.s)". That's what he said.

Thanks opinion or Islam for your kindness. He genuinely loves me and he is not a typical Sunni guy. He is just like us(Shia) and very broad minded.

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I already told you all that he doesn't want green card!!!!!

He said I wanna marry you because I want to live,laugh,grow with you not because of a green card. If u throw ur green card in a trash can then still I want to marry you

I have already told him that I won't apply for green card for you and he said I dont.even want it.

And yes I'm SYED.

Alaysalam, I want to talk to a religious scholar regarding my problem but there is no Shia masjid or Imam bargah. I don't even have a contact number or email address of any Shia scholar. If you know any please let me know.

The guy I want to marry has never asked me to convert to Sunnism. Once I.asked him.that if we got married then what sect.our kids will follow? Shia or Sunni? He replied "they will follow what we all should follow. No Shia or Sunni, just Muslim. They will follow the teaching of Holy Quran, Holy Prophet(s) and Ahle-bayt(a.s)". That's what he said.

Thanks opinion or Islam for your kindness. He genuinely loves me and he is not a typical Sunni guy. He is just like us(Shia) and very broad minded.

 

There is no such thing as just muslim, :no:

ill pray for you sister. You will be back telling us we were right (if he allows you freedom, once your there)... fare well.

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A lot of scholars say Sayed can marry non-Sayed

 

http://www.shiachat.com/forum/index.php?/topic/234923694-syed-and-non-syed-marriage/

 

Just use Google and search for whichever Marjaa you follow, you can find their website and websites of their representatives in your country or preferred language.

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He will allow me freedom. INSHALLAH.

even he listens to Shia lectures.

 

Sister I have family married, in afghanistan and pakistan, to sunni men who wont let them get out of the house and even beats them... im just letting you know so that you can be careful and not let "love" blind you mind. Even in california, my relative is married to a sunni, none of the children are shias. She said the same thing you are now, turned out wrong. Although, sister, it is up to you, your choice.  inshAllah Khair

Edited by PureEthics
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Sister I have family married, in afghanistan and pakistan, to sunni men who wont let them get out of the house and even beats them... im just letting you know so that you can be careful and not let "love" blind you mind. Even in california, my relative is married to a sunni, none of the children are shias. She said the same thing you are now, turned out wrong.

 

My wife and I thought we were soul mates, madly in love for years, but eventually her family and circumstances caused resentment and now I don't even know that she loves me anymore.

 

Love and marriage is very tough, it all seems perfect right now but the more perfect you build it up, the more devastating even small defects will seem.  

 

There is no such thing as a perfect soul mate match made in heaven, because we're all flawed creatures, our relationships will have flaws.  The key is accepting those flaws and working together.  That is exceedingly rare.

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Looking through the Fiqh aspect of religion this marriage is really discouraged. Not only that, you need your Dad's permission and the only way to get around is if he doesn't have a valid reason to reject such a proposal (in this case he does have a valid reason to reject, in my opinion). 

I am not sure how you plan on getting this done, since you have already made up your mind that he "loves" you. Empty words.

Maybe I think differently, but family is everything no matter how bad they are.

 

She said the same thing you are now, turned out wrong.

They all say the same bs. We will raise them as "Muslims", no sunni or shia etc. 

As Imam Masoomen (as) have said, you cannot have two hearts in one body. Its not possible.

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^ Bro you summed it up quite succinctly in your first post.

First, he is sunni. Second, its not love. Third, the guy is in Pakistan and you are in USA. Have you ever considered that maybe (just maybe) he just wants to marry you so he can come to USA? Obviously you wont see it 'coz of all the hormonal effects clouding your thinking. Just hold on, find a Shia guy and marry him. Marrying a Sunni is strictly frowned. 

Hardly anyone here would feel positive about this marriage.

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It seems you have already made up your mind that you're going to marry him. So why come here to ask for advice ? 

 

I couldnt agree more!

syeda24: Do not think that everyone is attacking u. Its just that ur problem with ur dad is either to talk with him about it or trying to find the problem that makes his behavior bad against u. And from the previous posts, u have been advised about that.

All these members that tell u to be careful for marrying a sunni or a person that lives in Pakistan, have their rights to advise u about that because u r our sister in Shia islam.

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Alaysalam, I want to talk to a religious scholar regarding my problem but there is no Shia masjid or Imam bargah. I don't even have a contact number or email address of any Shia scholar. If you know any please let me know.

 

Salam, 

 

(248) 669-5740. This is the number of Zainabiyya Center of Michigan.

Ask to speak to Maulana Syed Surtaj Zaidi regarding your issue.

He is a well respected Shia Alim in the local area, in Michigan.

He is Pakistani and speaks Urdu as well as English. 

 

Website for Zainibiyya Center

 

http://www.zainabia.org/v1/index.aspx

Edited by Abu Hadi
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He will allow me freedom. INSHALLAH.

even he listens to Shia lectures.

 

Putting religion and love aside I'd like you to think clearly about any choice you make in life. Especially marriage.

 

The only thing I can say to you is what my mom always tells me. For every situation do NOT ever walk down a dead end street, always map out a path of return. I don't know if that makes any sense right now but its important to always have a way back, a way out. 

 

No one is saying this man isn't perfect and you aren't in love. But essentially if you marry this man, you are in his hands, under his control, and since you have already turned your back on your father, you will have no one; except God. That is a huge risk. 

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Have you considered the amount of Sunni's and Shi'as killing each other in Pakistan?

 

You're putting your life, the life of your would-be husband, your families' lives, and his families' lives, and any future children you may have all at risk of being attacked because of inter-faith marriage.

 

People do kill over this sort of marriage.

 

Keep that in mind also.

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Thank you for the number and website.

I live in Texas.

I searched online a lot and most of Shia scholars,imam sistani n Khomeini has stated that marriage between Shia syed girl and Sunni guy is okay. There is no problem in this marriage if it doesn't effect girls faith(madhab) otherwise its not recommended.

My problem is not only marriage. I love my family especially my mom. My dad's bad behavior with me is since I was a kid. I really don't know why he thinks that younger ones don't have any right to speak or even explain the problem. He thinks he's right and everybody is wrong;even my mom can't say or explain him anything. He starts yelling at her too. Sometimes I think like I dont even exist for him. I wish Allah sends someone to help me. I want to fix all these problems but I don't know how to do it because I already did every possible thing to please my dad but still same behavior.

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And yes why I am here and asking for advice is I don't have any Shia friend. NOT EVEN ONE.

I will never ever change my sect.infact I cant even imagine myself doing or even think about it. I used to recite Noha in the month of Muharam back in Pakistan.

Thanks everyone !!! I really appreciate it.

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It's heart warming to read your passion for the school of thought of Ahl al-Bayt(A) my respected sister. I know how it is to feel exclusively for a specific person and I'm a guy, for girls it's at least ten times worse. When you feel something for someone it's that person or no one. When people go against your strong opinions and wishes then you feel that they just don't understand. And that's actually true for most of us. We're not in your situation which means we can easily give moral "do:s" and "don't:s" as if it would be all black and white. I am much more concerned about the issue between you and your father, that's heart crushing!

As you have described the situation it seems that the issue is your fathers as you mention that everybody knows about his harschness and selflishness and that even your mother is afraid of him. Unfortunately many men from our countries tend to be selfish and ego-centered. This is an atrocity. I understand your situation much better now after reading the posts of the siblings and your responses to them sister. It's a pick and choose between hell and paradise.

 

On one hand you have your current situation with your father behaving like what we might expect from a kafir but not in anyway from a shiat Ali.

On the other hand you have your utopian future where you are married the one you love and who loves you, you live far away from your abusive father in the country of your childhood and you have your grand mother who loves you and treats you as you deserve to be treated.

 

They can say what they want, your situation is a tough one and brothers and especially sisters should be able to understand your reasons for pushing on on this. The problem here is that instead of people praising you for your good sides and trying to write down concrete advices how to resolve the issue with your abusive father they have all tried to convince you not to marry the sunni brother. Some siblings like alyhissalam and abu hadi have written wonderful responses to you but some are joking on your expence and some others are just writing their simple thoughts because for them the matter is simple because they're not in your situation. I advice you to really read the first answer of brother alyhissalam again and really ponder about what his words.

 

Now, let's see what you are able to do if you want the satisfaction of Allah to be upon you sister:

First of all you must know that for you to get married with the satisfaction of Allah you need the permission of your wali (in this case your father even though he seems unfair and oppressive) or the permission of your marja' (only as you don't live in an islamic state where you have an islamic leader otherwise his judgment could also help). "Private conversation is only from Satan that he may grieve those who have believed, but he will not harm them at all except by permission of Allah. And upon Allah let the believers rely." (58:10)

So you can not just decide to marry the man you feel love for, that is IF you want the satisfaction and acceptibility of Allah. This is our fiqh.

 

 

The Prophet(S) has said that "people are looking for property, beauty, perfection, religion and... in their marriage" (Kanz al-'Ummal, vol. 16 p 293)

But according to islamic principles the true purpose of Islam is giving birth to righteous children as the Quran refers to the marriage of a man and woman as a "cultivation field" (2:223) meaning a field where you put seeds for the future so that you are able to evolve together with your husband and raise your children together as righteous worshippers of Allah, believers in the correct religion and true followers and supporters of Imam al-Mahdi. Sister, Imam al-Mahdi is the key in the issue between shias and sunnis. One of the ten reasons I've read so far from our ahadith about the reason for the occultation of Imam al-Mahdi(AJ) is that even though sunnis in the past killed or help killing our Imams as they do today with ourselves because they don't know the whereabouts of the Imam of our time, they claim today to love or even to follow our Imams. Fine, but Imam Sadiq(A) has said that Allah launched the occultation of Imam al-Mahdi(AJ) so that the time goes by so much that all non-shias and even every doubtful or non-honest shias stops believing in him so that the day he comes only his true followers will claim love and followship of him and sunnis and weak and doubtful shiites will easily go against him and fight him so that truth and justice is severed from falseity and oppression. This all about our school of thought, I hope you don't reject this attempt of mine to awake your feelings for Ahl al-Bayt(A).

 

Right now you must concentrate on two things:

1. Finding a solution to the abuses of your father on you

2. In any case, find a pattern to understand and appreciate the existence of yourself

 

1. There must be some scholars in the states who not only have studied fiqh but also akhlaq and physchology. I hope the siblings here can help you with that and that person will inshaAllah help you out with your father. Even if it means that he comes to you and sits down with your family and talks with them. We shiites must learn to take care of our own people, we have to care of one another. We are being murdered and rejected all around the world today, so if we don't have each other then we have nothing.

 

2. Read the first post of brother alyhissalam to evolve your good thoughts on this.

 

Siblings, please come with reasonable and concrete advice how our dear sister is able to resolve the issue she has with her father and current situation. Aid your sister in turning her current hell into a blossoming paradise so that she doesn't look for alternative paradises instead of bashing her only current way out of the misery of her father!

 

Forgive me for writing this much.

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Thank you for the number and website.

I live in Texas.

I searched online a lot and most of Shia scholars,imam sistani n Khomeini has stated that marriage between Shia syed girl and Sunni guy is okay. There is no problem in this marriage if it doesn't effect girls faith(madhab) otherwise its not recommended.

My problem is not only marriage. I love my family especially my mom. My dad's bad behavior with me is since I was a kid. I really don't know why he thinks that younger ones don't have any right to speak or even explain the problem. He thinks he's right and everybody is wrong;even my mom can't say or explain him anything. He starts yelling at her too. Sometimes I think like I dont even exist for him. I wish Allah sends someone to help me. I want to fix all these problems but I don't know how to do it because I already did every possible thing to please my dad but still same behavior.

 

Salam. I'm assuming you know the difference between prescriptive and descriptive fatwa.

The fatwa above was a descriptive fatwa. In other words, there is no hadith that is known by Imam Khomeni(ra) that says it is absolutely haram to marry a Sunni in all circumstances. At the same time, this fatwa also asks the reader to think in a very clear and careful way about their action before they do it. Put your emotions on the side. Think about it please. If you live with a man, sleep with a man, raise your children with a man, spend time with his family, share good and bad times together, etc, how is it possible that what he believes about the fundamental aspects of the religion, i.e. Imamate and Wilayat. will not effect you ? Please think about this. And how could it not effect your children ? You may have a mature mind that can discern between truth and falsehood and can understand theoretical and abstract concepts, but your young children will not have this advantage and they will absorb whatever is put in front of them, whether it is true or false. 

 

At the same time, I would say that marrying a Sunni man who stays 100% within the halal as he understands it and avoids the haram as he understands it is better than someone who claims to be Shia and yet is munafiq or fasiq. If those are your only two choices, but most of the time that is not the case. 

 

Also, him saying 'I love Ahl Al Bayt' isn't enough and you know that. I love my mother, but she is not my Imam. I love my wife, but she is not my Imam. The only way you will be safe is that if he accepts the Imamate and Wilyat of Imam Ali(a.s) and Imams after him and accepts what the Prophet(p.b.u.h) said at Ghadeer Khum 'Whomever I am his Leader(maula), Ali is his Leader(maula)' 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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Few years ago I told him about Ghadeer Khum. The holy Prophet(p.b.u.h) raised Imam Ali(a.s) hand and said

" whomever I'm the leader,Ali(a.s) is his leader"

Holy Prophet(p.b.u.h) chose imam Ali(a.s) as his successor.

Now,that guy accepts that Imam Ali is the real successor not Abu Baker. I told him the names of Imams and how I'm related to Imam Ali Raza(a.s) [since I'm rizvi]

He,himself told me that he believes in the awaited Imam,Imam Mehdi(aj),and wants to be in his team to fight against the kafirs.

Few months ago he said: " I want to go to Iran for more guidance. I have few questions to be answered." <-- his words.

Brother p@I@m, I read brother AhlehisSalam's first post again and thank you so much for such a great and helpful reply.

I know marrying a non syed Sunni is permissible. I will teach him more about Shia Islam. He is very open-minded not a typical Sunni.

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salam sayeda24

 

i think the guy is a shia 'in heart' ,he just need some guidence from ulema and very well learned religious shia men to lead him to the right path and he will eventually realize that he is a shia himself when he gets his questions answered...

 

i believe you are not a teenager anymore,you are mature enough to decide for urself and for ur life,you know what is best for you just do it.tell the guy to come and propose to u,and he will be able to show his good intentions to ur family then(he is 30 right?),and tell ur parents(harsh father) that you love the guy and u want him and u r not 15 anymore,just be nice to him as much as u can..

 

never lose hope :)

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Few years ago I told him about Ghadeer Khum. The holy Prophet(p.b.u.h) raised Imam Ali(a.s) hand and said

" whomever I'm the leader,Ali(a.s) is his leader"

Holy Prophet(p.b.u.h) chose imam Ali(a.s) as his successor.

Now,that guy accepts that Imam Ali is the real successor not Abu Baker. I told him the names of Imams and how I'm related to Imam Ali Raza(a.s) [since I'm rizvi]

He,himself told me that he believes in the awaited Imam,Imam Mehdi(aj),and wants to be in his team to fight against the kafirs.

Few months ago he said: " I want to go to Iran for more guidance. I have few questions to be answered." <-- his words.

Brother p@I@m, I read brother AhlehisSalam's first post again and thank you so much for such a great and helpful reply.

I know marrying a non syed Sunni is permissible. I will teach him more about Shia Islam. He is very open-minded not a typical Sunni.

Salam, 

 

If he accepts the Wilayat and Imamate of Imam Ali(a.s) and not Abu Bakr then he not a Sunni (in the commonly understood sense).

If he accepts Imam Ali(a.s) and accepts that Imam Mahdi(a.f.s) is the the son of Imam Hassan Al Askari(a.s) and he is currently alive and not accessible (in ghaibah) to us and that he will come again to fill the earth with Justice after before it had been filled with oppression (as is the famous hadith of Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h)) then he will have no problem accepting the Imamate and Wilayat of the 10 Imams who are in between the first and the last AND you know that this is from his heart and not just a line because he wants to marry you and/or to get a green card.  If that is the case, and you are reasonable sure about that, then I would say I give my recommendation to marry him because he will eventually find the Hidayah. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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It's just sad how religion separates people and destroys families.

 

If I were to be completely honest, if you truly love each other then go for it, but make sure that you two are on the same page, and don't try to make it a secret.

 

Tell your family and he tells his family.

 

I also have been abandoned by my family so I know what it can be like, but I hope that doesn't have to be the case with you, although from the sounds of your father's behavior it may be likely.

 

You and your family give to charity and love people and do good?

 

He and his family give to charity and love people and do good?

 

Then why hate and separate on theories and concepts and historical differences?

 

It's very irrational.

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It's just sad how religion separates people and destroys families.

If I were to be completely honest, if you truly love each other then go for it, but make sure that you two are on the same page, and don't try to make it a secret.

Tell your family and he tells his family.

I also have been abandoned by my family so I know what it can be like, but I hope that doesn't have to be the case with you, although from the sounds of your father's behavior it may be likely.

You and your family give to charity and love people and do good?

He and his family give to charity and love people and do good?

Then why hate and separate on theories and concepts and historical differences?

It's very irrational.

Stupid words, silly slogans...

Being on SAME PAGE is what we all are suggesting, being on same page requires to have same religious beliefs, same morals, same morality, same values, same outlook of life...

Religion doesn't separate us, religion brings us closer, Shia for Shia, Sunni for Sunni, Hindu for Hindu and so on....

Sunni Shia marriage is like a to different species of humans marrying, totally incompatible in thoughts, values and ethos.

Edited by Waiting for HIM
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Stupid words, silly slogans...

Being on SAME PAGE is what we all are suggesting, being on same page requires to have same religious beliefs, same morals, same morality, same values, same outlook of life...

Religion doesn't separate us, religion brings us closer, Shia for Shia, Sunni for Sunni, Hindu for Hindu and so on....

Sunni Shia marriage is like a to different species of humans marrying, totally incompatible in thoughts, values and ethos.

 

"I can't marry you because I believe in a different record of history and creation of the world theory that may or may not be true than your record of history and creation of the world theory which may or may not be true."

 

That is sad.

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"I can't marry you because I believe in a different record of history and creation of the world theory that may or may not be true than your record of history and creation of the world theory which may or may not be true."

 

That is sad.

 

A little work, and this could be a princess line in a Disney movie. 

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