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In the Name of God بسم الله

My Husband Dont Want Me To Study

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I did ask him why he just says you dont need it and you like being at home

He says i got him and his family thats all the friends i need according to him

And i cant do it behind his back for two reasons i feel it would be bad to do behind his back its like i would be disobeying him and the second reason we live in saudi arabia women here need the husbands permission to study

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???????

 

I say go and do the course, he needs to get over his issues.

 

Don't be anxious to issue your fatwa which may be contradicting to the legal ruling of scholars.

 

If a wife needs to permission from her husband to take part in a Mustahab sawm, a`maal, etc., I don't think studying a course is more important than obeying your partner, but that's just me and I don't want to dictate anybody what to do.

 

So it's good that the OP asked, "how can I convince[...]" desiring the acceptance of her partner. Don't try to give your own interpretation of things because sometimes it can be a sensitive issue.

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(salam)

 

and the second reason we live in saudi arabia women here need the husbands permission to study

 

Well for starters I want to say that you are lucky you are living in the 21st century with access to internet, mobile phones and what have you. so that you can still stay in touch with the rest of the world to an extent. I grew up in Saudi in the 90s when we didn't even have a telephone at home and my mother was a house-wife. All we had was Channel 1 and Channel 2 on TV and that's how we lived for at least 6 years in Jeddah (until we moved to Riyadh), with my mother home alone for a good half of the day until we came back from school; and then until the late afternoon till my dad came back from work. If it wasn't for the Pakistani neighbours to talk to every so often, I think my mom would have gone crazy. Riyadh, fortunately was a bit better as we found Shi'a circles there and made more family friends so it wasn't too hard for my mother then. From what I hear; there are Shi'a gatherings happening in cities like Jeddah, Dammam and Riyadh from time to time (Urdu gatherings - if you are Indian or Pakistani) and it would be a good place for you and your husband to go and you will naturally make family friends there. Something your husband shouldn't object to too much.

 

Are you a Saudi women or a foreigner? Do you live in a compound or in flats? I can to a certain extent understand why your husband wouldn't want you to go out in that land-of-perverts, kidnappers and molesters; where if anything were to happen to you, no one would even hear about it. I escaped from being kidnapped as a kid on two occasions in Riyadh (one was an escape, the other was a very close encounter) and to date I ask my self that if I was kidnapped, who would have ever figured out where to look for me; where I was kidnapped from etc. I'd probably be in the UAE tied to a camel being raced around. This is because the outside community (especially if you are a foreigner) is very disconnected. You are living in a country which still doesn't have postal services for your residence, no real house-addresses, not the best emergency services etc. So if safety and security are his main reasons (which I am assuming are part of the reason), then perhaps he can still sort out this course that you want to do (which course? where? can you find someone else to do it with you?) by hiring a driver or something. If you are a foreigner then maybe he is not too familiar with the system and society outside or perhaps it is the opposite and because he has probably seen things, he assumes it is better for you to not go out unnecessarily.

 

Wassalam

Edited by Aal-e-Imran
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Don't be anxious to issue your fatwa which may be contradicting to the legal ruling of scholars.

 

If a wife needs to permission from her husband to take part in a Mustahab sawm, a`maal, etc., I don't think studying a course is more important than obeying your partner, but that's just me and I don't want to dictate anybody what to do.

 

So it's good that the OP asked, "how can I convince[...]" desiring the acceptance of her partner. Don't try to give your own interpretation of things because sometimes it can be a sensitive issue.

 

I didn't know common sense was a fatwa, he clearly has an issue and it seems you do as well. And here is another 'fatwa': if she wants to convince him then she is perfectly able to stay at home and do nothing in the house until he changes his mind and gives her permission.  :rolleyes:

Edited by Fuan
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(salam)

 

I am australian my husband is saudi arabian so he is a local 

His father or brother could take me

Most of courses are photography and  beauty courses that i would want to join

we live in an apartment which is attached to his parents house

 

If that is the case, it seems like a cultural and societal barrier that you will have to sort out with him and maybe even his father or mother by communicating about this issue thoroughly. If you already have and haven't come to a conclusion, I don't think anyone here can or will be able to help out much. Expect people to give away their own opinions (sometimes harsh ones), while most of them are not even married and have not experienced what it means to be in a relationship and think that giving advise like this:

 

I say go and do the course, he needs to get over his issues.

 

without understanding or knowing the variables involved in one's specific relationship, will solve everything.

 

I will remember you in my Du'as inshAllah.

 

Wassalam

Edited by Aal-e-Imran
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salam

The thing which is clear is that ur husband wont let u to work in future, so u wont need university degree anymore but u are able to get lots of knowledge in ur favorite field through the net and books.

Maybe his mind will be changed by time passing. But I have heard that there are some special universities in saudi which dont have co educational system. talk with him about these kind of universities.

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[EDITED]

Ok I'm over it now!

I'll make dua for you.

 

Note from mod: Racist, abusive comments. Did you know approximately 10-15 percent of the Saudi population is Shi`a? Without thinking, you just made them all look like savages. And why just the Shi`as? Sunnis are great people too. In fact, I think with regard to how most of them don't insult all the people of an entire country, they may actually be better than some people claiming to be Shi`as out there.

Regardless of what was your intention when you typed this post, you should be ashamed of yourself. Member warned and suspended. 

Edited by Basim Ali
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ohhhhh.....initially I saw so many red flags and would have asked you to run for your life... Beacuse my husband acted the same way and he turned out to be a very controlling and abusive person

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Then i read that you married a saudi... So maybe thats a cultural issue like someone else said......adjusting in saudia is difficult even for pakistani women...

Go shopping... I think thats all saudia women do... Thats alllll they are capable of.... :)

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his parents dont speak much english 

im trying to learn arabic 

 

You have every right to participate in Educational Activities. Does staying home ALL the time, sound right to you???? You need to solve this with your Husband and make him understand your position and point of view.

haven't you read Sahifa Al Sajjadia? Womens rights in Islam?

What about the Quran? it clearly shows you have equal rights to him, as he has equal rights to you. but Of course remember you must also obey him even if the matter hurts you, for he is your husband. If Still you're finding it difficult Keep asking Allah, for he is the Guardian, The Good, The Beneficent,  The Exceedingly Merciful!

Btw I'm also Australian. I think I know how you feel in away. 

Now,  Islam considers men and women equal as far as the basic human rights are concerned. It not only recognizes a human personality for both, but also considers them equal in all rights and human privileges. The following verses of the Quran support this statement:

 

O, mankind, fear your Lord who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate, and from the pair of them scattered abroad many men and women .... (4:1)

 

And:

 

O mankind! We have created you male and female and appointed you races and tribes, that you may know one another. Surely the noblest among you in the sight of God is the most God fearing of you ....(49:13)

 

I waste not the labour of any that labours among you, be you male or female ‑the one of you is from the other ....(3:195)

 

And the believers the men and the women, are friends one of the other; they bid to honour and forbid dishonour; they perform the prayer, and pay the alms, and they obey God and His Messenger. Those upon them God will have mercy .... (9: 71)

 

Men and women who have surrendered (unto Allah), believing men and be­lieving women, obedient men and obedient women, truthful men arid truthful women, enduring men and enduring women, humble men and humble women, men and women who give in charity, men who fast and women who fast, men and women who guard their private parts, men and women who remember God much, for them God has prepared forgiveness and a mighty re ward. (33:35)

 

O believers, let not any people scoff at another people who may 'be better than they; neither let women scoff at women who may be better than they. And find not fault with one another, neither revile one another by nick­names .... (49:11)

 

And We have charged man concerning his parents‑his mother bore him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning was in two years‑be thankful to Me and to your parents ....(31:14)

 

They (women) are a vestment for you, and you (men) are a vestment for them ....(2:187)

 

To the men a share of what parents and kinsmen leave and to the women a share of what parents and kinsmen leave ....(4:7)

 

To the men a share from what they have earned, and to the women a share from what they have earned ....(4:32)

 

The fornicatress and the fornicator‑scourge each one of them a hundred stripes, and in the matter of God's religion, let not tenderness for them seize you if you believe in God and the Last Day ....(24:2)

 

Say to the believers, that they cast down their eyes and guard their private parts; that is purer for them ....And say to the believing women, that they cast down their eyes and guard their private parts ....(24:30‑31)

 

And the thief, male and female: cut off the hands of both as a recompense for what they have earned and a punishment exemplary from God ....(5:38)

 

These Verses were quoted as examples only, for there are many more verses clearly mentioning both the men and women and specifying the directions in their regard. Apart from this, there are hundreds of verses that take the form of address, "O mankind!" or "O believers!" which cover both men and women.

 

The above‑mentioned verses, in short, mean as follows: Both men and women are human beings, both are expected to follow Islam, be faithful and obedient believers. The good reward, paradise and God's grace are for both. Both have similar duties to perform; for instance, the ritual prayer, fasting, Zakat, to command to good and to prohibit from evil. The criterion of their personal superiority is based on piety and guarding themselves against evil. Moral virtues such as tolerance, sublimity, truthfulness, help to the poor ....are desirable for both. Both are required to observe chastity and keep their looks cast down. Moral vices, such as obscene acts, backbit­ing and mockery are not desirable for either of them. Both inherit pro­perty. The right to property and usage of property is granted to both men and women. The father and mother both deserve extreme respect. Both men and women are responsible for their deeds, which shall not go un-reckoned. Both are equal in the eyes of the Law and are to be punished for crimes committed. Finally, if a woman is at some loss in a particular case from the legal point of view, at another place the Law compensates for this loss and effects a legal balance in her favour.

 

Other verses in the Quran independently mention woman's rights, occasionally ordaining men to preserve those limits. At times the attitude of the pre‑Islamic culture in regard to women is criticized. For example, a verse condemns the practice of slaying girl‑infants in the words:

 

And when the buried infant shall be asked for what sin she was slain. (81:8‑9)

 

In addition to this, the Quran discusses well‑known women of religious history and describes their lives to the extent that falls within the scope of its objective. Such women are twelve in number. Even one of the Surahs of the Quran is named Surat al‑Nisa', which glorifies women.

 

In the above paragraphs, a general discussion regarding the respect shown by the Quran to the woman has been mentioned. A description has also been made of the equal rights of men and women. This prepares the grounds for a future debate.

Will remember you in Dua's.

Salam to those who follow guidance.   

 

"I REALLY RECOMMEND YOU SEARCH THIS SITE, IT WILL REALLY HELP YOU!"

http://www.al-islam.org/

Edited by TheIslamHistory
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OP, you an Australian married a Saudi? Were you taking some drugs? Seriously, I don't want to be critical but you married to a Saudi, a Saudi, really a Saudi? Oh well, strange things do happen.. A Saudi... &/$&/@:@ :) :) :)

Ok I'm over it now!

I'll make dua for you.

 

I wonder if he knows she's on a shia website.

I am australian my husband is saudi arabian so he is a local 

His father or brother could take me

Most of courses are photography and  beauty courses that i would want to join

we live in an apartment which is attached to his parents house

 

 

Take some online courses, you can find many free ones if you know how to use google. Get yourself a camera if you don't already have one and begin practicing. As for the beauty courses what use would they be if you aren't allowed to go anywhere? Are you friends with his sisters or friends with any neighbors? Maybe you can practice hair and makeup on them, you can also find beauty courses online....just don't go cutting anyone's hair, stick to styling, nail and makeup art. I'm sure you can learn arabic online and you can also spend some time with your mother in law to learn arabic.....unless she is really mean and creepy. BTW is your husband shia? If not dont' let him see you on here. Oh and if you don't already have kids you better walk a fine like after having them because one wrong move you will be thrown out of the country and never see your kids again. 

Edited by ImAli
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He does not want you to study or have friends because he wants to have total control over your life and unquestioned obedience and loyalty in all matters.

 

Hello Mutah King,

 

Sad but I'm afraid that's true. There are men like this around the world. :(

 

I did ask him why he just says you dont need it and you like being at home

He says i got him and his family thats all the friends i need according to him

And i cant do it behind his back for two reasons i feel it would be bad to do behind his back its like i would be disobeying him and the second reason we live in saudi arabia women here need the husbands permission to study

 

 

Hello SimplyMuslim21,

 

Can you come to the USA? There are many Saudi Arabians who come to the USA to visit or spend time here. In the USA, you should have more freedom. If he is controlling you still here, you can go to a woman's shelter and get help from other women who care and who strive hard to advocate education for every woman!

 

Whether you can come to the USA or Canada (is another good option) or not, I recommend praying and asking God to work in his heart in order to give you the permission you sadly need to pursue your civil right of education.

 

As for having friends, that should be a civil right too. You need to pray about that as well. Can you ask your Dad to talk to your husband about how he needs to let you have friends? Good friends are a blessing from God. :)

 

Peace and God bless you

Edited by Christianlady
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???????

 

I say go and do the course, he needs to get over his issues.

 

Stop encouraging her to do something haram.

his parents dont speak much english 

im trying to learn arabic 

 

Try asking to go on an Arabic course. He may be more sympathetic to that.

OP, you an Australian married a Saudi? Were you taking some drugs? Seriously, I don't want to be critical but you married to a Saudi, a Saudi, really a Saudi? Oh well, strange things do happen.. A Saudi... &/$&/@:@ :) :) :)

Ok I'm over it now!

I'll make dua for you.

 

How do you know he's not a Shia Saudi? And even if he isn't, I don't see any reason to suppose he'd be any worse than some Sunni from many other Muslim countries. You can't just generalise like that.

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Hello SimplyMuslim21,

 

Can you come to the USA? 

 

SimplyMuslim21, if you go to the USA, be careful from drunk and alcoholic people, and rapists. 

 

From wikipedia: 

The U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics states that 91% of rape victims are female and 9% are male, and 99% of rapists are male. One of six U.S. women has experienced an attempted or completed rape. More than a quarter of college age women report having experienced a rape or rape attempt since age 14. Some types of rape are excluded from official reports altogether (the FBI's definition, for example, used to exclude all rapes except forcible rapes of females), because a significant number of rapes go unreported even when they are included as reportable rapes, and also because a significant number of rapes reported to the police do not advance to prosecution. As well as the large number of rapes that go unreported, only 25% of reported rapes result in arrest. Many rape kits are not tested. Only 16% of rapes and sexual assaults are reported to the police (Rape in America: A Report to the Nation. 1992 and United Nations Populations Fund, 2000a). Factoring in unreported rapes, about 5% of rapists will ever spend a day in jail.

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Ugh. Some of you need to stop posting about things you have zero information about. Like really. Go away. 

 

Sister, you have given very little information about yourself so giving you an appropriate answer seems a bit tricky. The important question you need to be able to answer here is why isn't he letting you attend a course in university? What is the matter? I live in Saudi Arabia and I know for a fact that women, who have kids, belonging to Saudi non-Shi`a households come and attend time-consuming courses like Bachelors of Business Administration here. This is not a rare event and married students go to university all the time. Contrary to popular belief, all of Saudi Arabia is not a bedouin village. 

 

Regardless, the 'dangers' Aal-e-Imran highlighted in his first post on this thread are real and do exist. This is not a place where women can freely roam around on the streets without a care in the world, like they would in the West. This is just not the custom here. I read a couple of your older posts and I learned that you have a young kid and are yourself a white convert to Islam. Something makes me think your husband's concerns are related to one of or both these things. Have you considered that he wants you to devote all of your time for the care of your young child? But I think it's the second reason that must count the most in your husband's behavior. White people are a rare sight in Saudi Arabia. Just like people have a weird obsession with white skin in third world countries like Pakistan and Bangladesh, the same is the case with people in Saudi Arabia. There is a very high chance that you may often have to face weird situations when you're on your own outside only because you are white. People may stare at you for no reason, or creep you out in other ways. Perhaps that's the reason? You also mentioned he works long hours so maybe he doesn't find time to help you find a good place to join your courses and hence is not comfortable sending you to the first place you find.

 

What makes you think your husband does not want you to have a lot of friends? Are you sure this is not something you made up in your head (no offense)? Has he ever outright said to you that he doesn't want you to socialize? I think the solution to most (if not all) of your problems would be to talk to him and clear the air. You are spouses and each of you should know about the other's thoughts. It's very important.

Ignore all the advice above that says you should disobey your husband's wishes. They don't understand the circumstances you're living in so they basically have no idea what they are talking about. Besides, disobeying your husband (except in matters of obligations of the religion) is a major sin. If he is disallowing you to do something, he probably has good reasons for it. You need to talk to him, understand them (reasons) and maybe work out a solution with him. If you go behind his back, he will only be upset (and angry). While I understand that this may be an annoying situation for you the only person in the world who can help you in this problem is your husband. So khalaas, go talk to him! :) 

 

(salam)

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Well you are in saudi arabia, the country of a wahabi goverment. But you're to blame, because you married a SAUDI (i mean which revert would do that?!?) So unreasonable. I mean there's nothing wrong with it, plus you're covering yourself from head to toe. You can't do anything about it my dear, since you live in Saudi Arabia and you're husband is Saudi.

Edited by iraqiya
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Well you are in saudi arabia, the country of a wahabi goverment. But you're to blame, because you married a SAUDI (i mean which revert would do that?!?) So unreasonable. I mean there's nothing wrong with it, plus you're covering yourself from head to toe. You can't do anything about it my dear, since you live in Saudi Arabia and you're husband is Saudi.

 

I can understand where you're coming from but please don't be too quick to apportion blame on the husband who we have next to nothing information on. Just because she married a Saudi doesn't make the husband evil by default. I'm sure there are a lot of Saudis there who think and act maturely and find a need to protect their families from prying eyes.

 

This could be one of those cases wherein he's simply concerned for her wellbeing.

 

Point being: don't stress her marital life passing judgments that she's doomed marrying a Saudi.

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It's quite shocking to see how much bigotry there is on this thread against Saudis, and as suspected it turned out the sister's husband is Shia. So, should she still not have married him?

 

Some of you need to think a little before posting.


He's a domineering and irrational man. You don't want to be controlled by that sort of man who doesn't know what's best for his wife and their future. Jealousy is not an excuse. Learn to stand up for yourself.

And you know all this based on a couple of posts? Nice to see that you aren't jumping to any conclusions...

 

Anyway, in case some of you on this thread have forgotten, it is haram to leave the house without the permission of the husband, and this whole matter is definitely something the husband has authority over.

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Salam Sister, 

 

About your situation, it is a difficult one. No, I don't think you should go behind his back to do the course. That would be unethical

At the same time, the duty of every muslim to educate themselves is still incumbant on you, so I would say.

1) Take an Arabic course. He would probably allow this and this would give you immediate practical benefits in the place where you live

2) Once he gets used to the idea of you being in class and taking course, he might change his opinion regarding your education if he sees some practical benefits from it, i.e. you can get along better in the country where you live and you can communicate with his family. I would first try a class in spoken Arabic, Saudi dialect, rather than studying Classical (fusha) Arabic. Again, he and you will see more immediate and practical benefits in your life from the spoken Arabic. 

 

You being a revert, there is a larger issue here. I am also a revert so I am familiar with these issues. This may or may not apply to you personally. There is a big problem with, especially young, Caucasian female reverts getting married too quickly after their reversion and with too little thought and investigation about who exactly they are marrying and the implications of marrying someone from a different ethnic and cultural background. There is a tendency, because these women are very vunerable after their reversion and sometimes suffering alienation from their own family and society to cling on to the first muslim man that asks to marry them. They do the marriage without much knowledge of the guy or his family and are not prepared for the cultural differences that exist. 

 

I lost count of the number of cases that I know of of these women marrying men they barely know, find out after the marriage that there are huge differences and issues with the guy and/or his family that are impossible for them to deal with, then end up single and divorced sometimes with a few kids also. 

 

I would suggest that if there are any sisters in this group reading this thread, that they wait and investigate the man and his family thoroughly before marriage. Ask alot of questions, do some outside investigation, ask other people in the community about  him who know him but are not his close friends or family. I would even do a credit check and criminal records check. If there is anything there that looks suspicious, ask him about it. All of this is your right to do, Islamically, and it is a recommendation of the Prophet(p.b.u.h) and Imams(a.s) to ask about someone and get as much information as you can from outside sources (not from his family ) before marriage, so there are no nasty surprises afterwards. 

 

Also realize, that if you are marrying a guy from middle east, south asia, you are marrying his family also. Especially if the mother or father has a bad reputation in the community or has a criminal record, etc, I would seriously reconsider the marriage because you will have to deal with the parents on a regular basis. Also, you must understand the cultural differences of the culture you are marrying into. To sum, do your homework, do not rely on blind trust. 

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It's quite shocking to see how much bigotry there is on this thread against Saudis, and as suspected it turned out the sister's husband is Shia. So, should she still not have married him?

 

Some of you need to think a little before posting.

And you know all this based on a couple of posts? Nice to see that you aren't jumping to any conclusions...

 

Anyway, in case some of you on this thread have forgotten, it is haram to leave the house without the permission of the husband, and this whole matter is definitely something the husband has authority over.

 

Gypsys marja:

2421. For a woman with whom permanent marriage is contracted, it is haraam to go out of the house without the permission of her husband, though her leaving may not violate the rights of the husband. Also she should submit herself to his sexual desires, and should not prevent him from having sexual intercourse with her, without justifiable excuse.

 

2436. If a wife of temporary marriage goes out of the house without the permission of her husband, and the right of the husband is in anyway violated, it is haraam for her to leave. And if the right of her husband remains protected, it is a recommended precaution that she should not leave the house without his permission.

Edited by Nima
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[EDITED]

 

 

Note from mod: Racist, abusive comments. Did you know approximately 10-15 percent of the Saudi population is Shi`a? Without thinking, you just made them all look like savages. And why just the Shi`as? Sunnis are great people too. In fact, I think with regard to how most of them don't insult all the people of an entire country, they may actually be better than some people claiming to be Shi`as out there.

Regardless of what was your intention when you typed this post, you should be ashamed of yourself. Member warned and suspended. 

excuse me Basim Ali,but are u ok?i mean are ur reading abilities ok?

 

would u plz tell me ,for god's sake,where did Waiting for HIM mention anything about husband's religion or religion at all???????

she/he was just shocked by this match as both husband and wife are from completely different CULTURES,the first is from a block-minded culture,while the wife is from an open one,two opposites..which is ,my opinion as well as many others' too!! though that doesn't mean the husband is bad,keep this in mind...

 

but i think ur just enjoying the authority u've got here as a mod :)

Edited by Fatima NMA
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excuse me Basim Ali,but are u ok?i mean are ur reading abilities ok?

 

would u plz tell me ,for god's sake,where did Waiting for HIM mention anything about husband's religion or religion at all???????

she/he was just shocked by this match as both husband and wife are from completely different CULTURES,the first is from a block-minded culture,while the wife is from an open one,two opposites..which is ,my opinion as well as many others' too!! though that doesn't mean the husband is bad,keep this in mind...

 

but i think ur just enjoying the authority u've got here as a mod :)

So according to you it's ok to say that you must be on drugs to marry someone from a certain country, even if they are Shia?

 

I'm still not sure what the husband's big crime is supposed to be anyway. I doubt the Imams (as) would have a problem with what he is doing, and there is no reason to suppose he doesn't have his wife's best intentions at heart.

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