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Maula Dha Mallang

Advice On Breaking Haram Wedding Cultures

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Reminds me of Lebanon. Just a bunch of people who want to show off their wealth. Good luck with yours.

 

Jealousy comes in many forms.

 

;)

 

Anyways regarding the subject,If you have no money for a decent wedding you have no business getting married in the first place. Marriage isn't just about love it is also about responsibility and being able to support yourself and your wife. There is nothing wrong with a decent sized wedding and it is actually good to bring people together and it also encourages other people to enter marriage.

 

I see nothing wrong with it to be honest.

Edited by Ibn-Ahmed Aliyy Herz

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you guys havent seen what people do in pakistan.

they throw currency notes of different value in the air  :mellow:

 

Well, one someone's dancing. You just have to as per tradition says. =p

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Lol. When someone spends 50 thousand dollars on a wedding when there are beggars across the street, something's wrong. 

 

 

 

Just fifty grand? I know a family (unfortunately I'm also related to them by marriage :( ) who spent more than fifty thousand only to rent the ballroom at a fancy hotel downtown and pay the caterer. The bride's wedding gown cost more than twenty grand.

I'm not against big wedding. I just think we Muslims are very obsessed with the culture of showing off. You can have a very nice big wedding with fraction of the cost.

 

Edited by Gypsy

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Lol. When someone spends 50 thousand dollars on a wedding when there are beggars across the street, something's wrong. 

What if that 50 thousand includes giving the beggars jobs for the wedding?

 

A lot of people citicize opulence when there are so many poor people in this world, but if those rich people stopped spending their money and instead just gave it to the poor the poor will become dependent on it.  If they know money is coming to them, or they can go to any shelter and get free food, free housing, why bother working?  Instead, give them the opportunity to work, to earn their own money, and to rise above poverty on their own.  That's not to say we shouldn't give charity, but we must be careful in overdoing it.

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That wedding seems nice... Nothing wrong with it.

 

Never said there's anything wrong with it. Looks a bit too over the top though. Personally, I am all up for a lavish wedding with lots of dancing and music. But I wouldn't want random strangers and my dad's friends showing up. An intimate crowd of people.

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There are many people in this world who work really hard for long hours, sometimes do the work of 2 people, and at the end of they day, they just earn enough money to eat. If rich people want to help people by creating jobs, they should hire people to help those people who work too hard. They should not hire people to serve them and their lavish weddings and then pretend that they are creating jobs. 

Anyway, to me marriage ceremony looks a lot like the movie Hunger games. You have cruel and pretentious audience who treat you like celebrity because you are going to provide them entertainment with your pain and suffering. It's important to look good and spend money on make up and clothes because that's your chance to get sponsors who will send you medicine when you get injured. 

Edited by Mokhtar2012

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Never said there's anything wrong with it. Looks a bit too over the top though. Personally, I am all up for a lavish wedding with lots of dancing and music. But I wouldn't want random strangers and my dad's friends showing up. An intimate crowd of people.

I am sure you are joking about this since we all know dancing and music is haram. :)

 

To OP, when my brother got married he made it clear that he wants everything to be halal. There was quite a lot of drama in family coz of this but he didn't care. He even declined to do all the retarded Pakistani customs. One of the most simple marriages. InshAllah, mine would be like that to.

Edited by awaiting_for_the.12th

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There are many people in this world who work really hard for long hours, sometimes do the work of 2 people, and at the end of they day, they just earn enough money to eat. If rich people want to help people by creating jobs, they should hire people to help those people who work too hard. They should not hire people to serve them and their lavish weddings and then pretend that they are creating jobs. 

 

 

Absolutely agree with you. Why should anyone think throwing a lavish wedding help beggars?!

 

Most poor people only make minimum wages (where I'm living). Cost of fancy weddings generally goes to businessess that supports this tradition (catering to rich folks every need).

Edited by Gypsy

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There is nothing wrong with wealth, the imams (as) have said that sure you can have wealth but also make sure that you purify it by helping others with it.

 

Now, yes I agree 100% 50k weddings are absurd and unnecessary, but if we are talking about a decent size wedding that brings together families for a beautiful event encouraged by Islam then it is ok.

 

Spending 10k on a wedding is not considered wasteful in my opinion.

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Never said there's anything wrong with it. Looks a bit too over the top though. Personally, I am all up for a lavish wedding with lots of dancing and music. But I wouldn't want random strangers and my dad's friends showing up. An intimate crowd of people.

Over the top is goooooooooood.. Oh well if you're rich and you have a good salary, why not. It's not like every day is a wedding day, now THAT'S wasting money I tell yah.

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Over the top is goooooooooood.. Oh well if you're rich and you have a good salary, why not. It's not like every day is a wedding day, now THAT'S wasting money I tell yah.

I hate to get into this and if it was not Ramadan i would have ignored the post:

 

“Thus does Allah cause him to err who is extravagant, a doubter.”

“...the extravagant are the inmates of the fire.”

“And thus do We recompense him who is extravagant and does not believe in the communication of his Lord; and certainly the chastisement of the Hereafter is severer and more lasting.”

“...and do not squander wastefully, surely the squanderers are the followers of the shaitans and the Shaitan is ever ungrateful to his Lord.”

 

 

Extravagance means crossing the limits or spending wastefully. It depends upon circumstances. For example, spending on something useless is Harām, even if it is only a single dirham. Spending unduly even for a proper ocassion is extravagance. If a dress of one hundred rupees is good enough one should not purchase a dress costing five hundred. According to certain scholars spending at the wrong place is squandering and spending more than necessary is extravagance.

For references: http://www.al-islam.org/greater_sins_complete/37.htm

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Salam ya ali madad and lanat upon the enemies of the ahlebeyt (as)

 

my understandings of weddings changed frequently as i grew. i have seen nothing but lavish asian weddings where the bride can hardly stand for all the weight of gold she is wearing, floral table top displays that cost several hundred pounds each, dinners for thousands of people at once, lavish dessert rooms lain out like market stalls and all things in between.

 

i was always of the impression that i would have something similar. i would find a partner who demanded all these things. as a youngster it never occured to me that this would be expensive or not practical.

 

there are 2 things which changed my opinion, now Insha'Allah i have grown up and am preparing to be married soon.

 

firstly, it is the divorce bomb that has exploded in my generation. i have noticed an inverse correlation between extravagence of the wedding and success of the marriage. the greater the wedding, the weaker the marriage.

 

this could however be down to several things, immaturity, unrealistic expectations, lack of communication etc.

 

secondly, it was a christian friends wedding i attended last year.

 

there was less than 50 people at the dinner, and we all had known each other for years, and we were all close friends. i can safely say it was the most beautiful wedding i have ever attended. we ate food from paper plates and the main course was fish and chips. but you know what? there was nothing but genuine love between everyone in that room. after the dinner everybody stood up and spoke for a minute each about the couple.

 

this got me thinking.

 

i have zero desire to:

 

- start my wedded life drowning in debt

- marry a girl who thinks any of this is neccessary or deserves it

- feed over a thousand people who mostly dont know me but are there for free food so they can complain

- put nazr on myself

- give in to culture over what islam instructs

 

the key thing here is parents. they are not your enemies, nor are they mindless culture robots willing to ruin themselves and you for the sake of peoples opinions.

 

they are just people like you. they want to give you all this because they think you deserve it and they want you to feel that joy that they felt on that day.

 

the key thing now is communication.

 

find a girl who is not a retard. communicate with her about her expectations and yours. think about all the money you could save on the wedding, which could be used to set you both up for married life instead.

 

talk to your parents as an adult. if they/you are talking about marriage, its time to put the playstation down and step up to the plate like a man.

 

a wedding is basically a nikkah and a walima. everything else is superfluous. explain to your parents clearly and with plenty of warning that a huge wedding is not what you want. there are so many proofs you can use. you can meet them half way in some things (such as a mehndi rassam) and be strict in others (not inviting anyone they ever met, even if it was passing in the street one time)

 

i am scared, but hopeful. i will keep you posted on my progress as the day approaches.

I think you said it all so well...

especially the part about the divorcing rate and the expense of the wedding having a correlation.  The best and longest lasting marriages I have known have not been the ones that had the lavish party... they were the one who had simple weddings because they simply wanted to be married.  The importance was on the marriage, not the party.

and the rest of what you said also, about taking an adult attitude... until you can do that you are not ready for marriage.

I wish you many blessings.

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How do you geniuses believe the rich actually get rich?  Through completely moral methods?  It is virtually impossible, practically speaking, to accumulate tons of wealth without exploiting labour (highly immoral undertaking) in some shape or form or other immoral means, either that or there is inheritance.  There is a big difference between what is legal and what is considered moral and fair.  Inheritance itself is a touchy subject when it comes to moral philosophy and economics.  Almost every social/political/economic problem in the world today can be traced back to the extreme concentration of wealth, and human history has been dominated by class conflict more than anything else.  It is a pity that class issues do not dominate our discourse today, probably for good reasons, the wealthy work overtime to prevent such currents from developing.  Sunni/shia, islam/christian, American/Russian, athiest/organized religion obsessions  are very convenient distractions to keep the working class/poor from organizing.

Edited by Mutah_King

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I hate to get into this and if it was not Ramadan i would have ignored the post:

“Thus does Allah cause him to err who is extravagant, a doubter.”

“...the extravagant are the inmates of the fire.”

“And thus do We recompense him who is extravagant and does not believe in the communication of his Lord; and certainly the chastisement of the Hereafter is severer and more lasting.”

“...and do not squander wastefully, surely the squanderers are the followers of the shaitans and the Shaitan is ever ungrateful to his Lord.”

For references: http://www.al-islam.org/greater_sins_complete/37.htm

Well well, we have some "preachers" here. Did I support the idea of spending 50k on a wedding? No.... Did I say you should spend more than 15k on wedding? No... So please don't try to preach to me and sound like you're more intelligent. If you say you should've ignored my post, then you should've. Because I know that Allah doesn't like money wasters.... And if you can afford something, then you have every right to enjoy what you earned in the halal way.

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Well well, we have some "preachers" here. Did I support the idea of spending 50k on a wedding? No.... Did I say you should spend more than 15k on wedding? No... So please don't try to preach to me and sound like you're more intelligent. If you say you should've ignored my post, then you should've. Because I know that Allah doesn't like money wasters.... And if you can afford something, then you have every right to enjoy what you earned in the halal way.

:donno: calm down. Its Allah's money that He gave you. You can burn it for all i care. I read something and supported my views why what you stated is wrong. I was not preaching especially considering that you sound like a teen.

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:donno: calm down. Its Allah's money that He gave you. You can burn it for all i care. I read something and supported my views why what you stated is wrong. I was not preaching especially considering that you sound like a teen.

I'm not a teen first of all, and it's your fault for not reading my post properly. I said if you had a good salary, there is nothing wrong with spending money for a fancy wedding, and that alone isn't wasting money. Fancy weddings don't have to be 50K. Fancy weddings can be as lil as 10k. You just have to find a creative way to save money. So the reason why I said you were trying "to preach" because You sounded like it. I think every muslim knows that Allah doesn't like wasters, whether it'd be food, money etc.

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Some of these suggestions will still begin your marriage life in debt.

+1 !!  A lot of guys offer going on ziarat as an option ( a very valid and nice one! :) ) But they seem to use it as a 'cheaper than having a wedding' argument when in reality it can be a lot more costly!!

 

I agree that there shouldnt be such extravegant weddings and the thought of a 200+ (or should I say 300+ or 500+ !!) wedding makes me queazy. I mean hey, if you REALLY know every person you invite and have a close and personal relationship with them and that adds up to more than 200 people...then by all means do that. But I highly doubt that is a norm.

 

But my view on all this is somewhere in the middle. I think there is nothing wrong with having a celebration (infact with the wilima its basically Islamically mandated ;) ) and to celebrate such an important day in your life with friends and family and loved ones. But its all about avoiding excess and going over board. My dream wedding would look something like this: I would ideally have say 50 people at my wedding but I would have it be fancy. When you only invite 50 people you are able to afford to spend a little more but still it adds up to nothing. The two things most important to me would be 1) that I look good (HEY I WANT TO FEEL PRETTTYYY :p ;) )  and 2) GOOD FOOD. I am a lover of food and even have a food blog and I bake random sweets and treats several times a week. Its a passion really ;) So I would have some really yummy food and would be willing to pay the extra $ for it but NOT go over board. Maybe 2 different dishes but yummy dishes. That sounds so nice to me...surrounded by 50 of you and your husband's dearest and enjoying good food and conversation together! :) *happy feelings* And all that could be achieved for well under $10,000 heck probably under $5000 if you are thrifty.

 

The problem comes up when, in many weddings I have seen in Iran, there is an EXCESS for the SAKE of having excess. They will make TWENTY different main dishes! TWENTY!! WHY ON EARTH do you need that many?! and it all gets thrown out of course. I mean I am a total foodie but I would never ever agree to twenty main courses..or ten...or even five!

 

I think its all about balance. There is nothing wrong with having a nice party and dressing up and being happy. Whats wrong is drowning yourself in gold, inviting hundreds of people merely to show off, and producing so much waste in food and other things.

Just fifty grand? I know a family (unfortunately I'm also related to them by marriage :( ) who spent more than fifty thousand only to rent the ballroom at a fancy hotel downtown and pay the caterer. The bride's wedding gown cost more than twenty grand.

I'm not against big wedding. I just think we Muslims are very obsessed with the culture of showing off. You can have a very nice big wedding with fraction of the cost.

 

 

 

:O :O :O WHAT?!?! I mean I know I said *I* want to look pretty on my wedding day and have a pretty dress but TWENTY GRAND?! Thats a car! Thats a downpayment on a house!! Thats...thats...INSANE. For a dress you will wear for one day? Not even one day. For a few hours!!! Thats just disgusting to me.... there are LIMITS people. Sure if you have the money spend and buy a pretty dress. Why not. but TWENTY?! I would cap it off at a maximum of $2000-$3000. like MAXIMUM limit for a person who could afford it :p

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i dont think anyone is arguing that if you can afford it, you can spend a bit more on your wedding without going crazy and ordering dancing fountains and swan ice sculptures and marching brass bands and national holidays.

 

i noticed a few people throw about the number "10 thousand pounds" as an acceptable amount to spend on a wedding, and honestly if you have that money then I am happy for you and wish you the best. my problem is that the majority of us dont, and if we do, wouldnt it be better to spend less on the wedding and more on setting you both up in life? you could move into an apartment with that money, go on ziarat, have a rainy day fund, open a business etc etc

 

to the sisters: is looking pretty really that important? im not trying to preach or start a fight or anything, i just want to know whats going through your heads when you imagine your weddings. what are your priorities and why?

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to the sisters: is looking pretty really that important? im not trying to preach or start a fight or anything, i just want to know whats going through your heads when you imagine your weddings. what are your priorities and why?

 

define  "pretty." im sorry, but i dont plan on wearing a suit weighing 50 pounds with 10 pounds of jewelry on my wedding day. personally, i wouldnt have a ceremony if i had things my way. maybe just a small dinner or something. id be in hijab, and hopefully the men would be on one side, and the women on another. wedding food usually tastes like garbage, so maybe there'd be something simple like sandwiches and biryani. i dont feel the need to "entertain" people by ordering hoards of nasty food, inviting 400 people [half of whom i probably hate anyway] and throwing money away. id rather have a nice vacation, or maybe save money for a car or house. 

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to the sisters: is looking pretty really that important? im not trying to preach or start a fight or anything, i just want to know whats going through your heads when you imagine your weddings. what are your priorities and why?

Well I'm not gonna be a hypocrite and try to sound "religious", looking good would be very important on my wedding. And yes to me being pretty and presebtable and fresh is really important to me. What goes through my head when I think about my wedding? Well a nice tall wedding cake and a nice resort place, a limo, my family members cars with bows on them, and I better not be seeing anyone whom I almost never talk to. I ain't gonna spend no money on them! This day is to only be shared with my family and friends and my husband's family and friends. My number one priority is the comfort of my family. I want this to be a peaceful event not a show off event. Anyways you might think wow you'll spend alot of money etc. but that's why you go to college and work your butt off. Inshallah khair.

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Anyways you might think wow you'll spend alot of money etc. but that's why you go to college and work your butt off. Inshallah khair.

 

LOL! One of the most superficial and lamest reasons ever to work your butt off in college.

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(salam)

It makes more sense to me if you have the money to spend it on building a life together rather then putting it all into a wedding. I think it is possible for people to over compensate in throwing a wedding not realising it's the beginning of a journey, not the end. For me, the wedding is a very small part of it and in the excitement of the day, I find brides tend to recall the day as a haze anyway.

 

I think every girl wants to look beautiful on her wedding day as she will be the centre of attention and that's quite unnerving as it is. Knowing she looks good makes the situation a lot less uncomfortable for her and will make her feel confident and happy. I don't think you need to be wearing designer clothes or employing make up artists to look good though, some of the prettiest brides I have seen are the ones who look the simplest. 

 

Many girls grow up wanting (and ultimately go for) the grand wedding with the outfit changes, three tier cake and extravagant place settings and if that's what they want, there's nothing wrong with that. 

 

As I was sure I would never get married when I was a little girl (boys were gross and weddings were boring) I never bought into the fairytale wedding idea and once I decided getting married wasn't such a terrible ordeal, I knew too much of the poverty and struggles of the world to set my heart on a princess wedding. I decided that if I feel like a princess that day, it won't be because of my outfit or the grandeur of the hall,  but because my husband makes me feel like one. 

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Well it's about your priorities in life isn't it? My priorities were to finish my studies and buy somewhere to live. Maybe some girls have the time and funds from parents to have a fancy wedding, and it becomes a big project for them that they become obsessed with, the types where if u see the bride then she has little else to speak about except her upcoming wedding.

For me it was very logical to keep my marriage celebrations low key. I was struggling with my studies and we had just spent all our savings on buying a house a few months before. So i had little time to spend on wedding planning and money was limited. We also had no pressure from family and friends about how we should arrange things. I think it will be alot harder to do your own thing if u are from a large community.

A recurring pattern i notice is the more complicated the plans are for a wedding, the less the bride and groom enjoy the process and the day itself. Tension is not uncommon between the couple and the two families during this time. This has always baffled me, why do people make themselves so stressed out for something that is supposed to be a happy occasion, just because they are obsessed with the perfectness of the details?And why would you risk compromising relationships before you have even got married? I really believe that your experience during the marriage process sets the tone for your relationships with spouse and in laws after you get married. If u have upset your spouse or in laws or they have upset u, then this wont be forgotten and is likely to backfire later on. The youth should be aware of that.

Good luck to anyone who tries to simplify their wedding arrangements, i would say it is worth it.

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Been married for a good 7 years now and had mutah before that for 3 years. Me and my wife spent money for meatdishes, bread and salads. The nikkah was done by my uncle in the backyard. I only invited direct family. She said she'd stick a knife down my brain if we spent more than that on it. Worked perfect for me because I hate everything about Moroccan weddings.

 

May Allah grant you two jannah and completion of your ziyaraah inshaAllah MDM!

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My sister had 7 dresses other than her engagement dress and wedding dress. So basically 9 dresses in total that cost a little under 3 grand and she spent 5 grand on the hall, food, and flowers. It was a complete waste tbh but I feel like she was pressured by our community(that dont even like her btw) to have a big extravagant wedding. I hear numerous times from relatively practicing aunties that if a girl doesn't get a big mahr then something must be wrong with her, like she is cheap or something along those lines. I have fortunately learned from my sister's mistake and will be very cautious when it is time for me to get married and inshallah will not be pressured by poisoned social norms.

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i dont think anyone is arguing that if you can afford it, you can spend a bit more on your wedding without going crazy and ordering dancing fountains and swan ice sculptures and marching brass bands and national holidays.

 

i noticed a few people throw about the number "10 thousand pounds" as an acceptable amount to spend on a wedding, and honestly if you have that money then I am happy for you and wish you the best. my problem is that the majority of us dont, and if we do, wouldnt it be better to spend less on the wedding and more on setting you both up in life? you could move into an apartment with that money, go on ziarat, have a rainy day fund, open a business etc etc

 

to the sisters: is looking pretty really that important? im not trying to preach or start a fight or anything, i just want to know whats going through your heads when you imagine your weddings. what are your priorities and why

 

 

 

Sorry to break it to you but you would be looking at a realistic number of $10k or more for a simple small wedding. The good part is half of it is recovered back in gifts.

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