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In the Name of God بسم الله

Advice On Breaking Haram Wedding Cultures

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Nowadays, a lot of weddings are for show-offs especially in the Muslim communities. The wealthy are throwing lavish ceremonies and parties at fancy hotels with dancings and live band and other entertainment. Even the not so rich folks are spending a lot of money (that they don't have) to keep up with the stupid wasteful cultural practices.

 

I think we should bring back the old tradition where the main thing was the Nikah at the mosque and followed by a small reception at someone's house or hall. No fancy engagement party, no receptions at hotel, no flower girls/bridemaids, no dancing, no changing into dozens of dresses.

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Salam ya ali madad and lanat upon the enemies of the ahlebeyt (as)

 

my understandings of weddings changed frequently as i grew. i have seen nothing but lavish asian weddings where the bride can hardly stand for all the weight of gold she is wearing, floral table top displays that cost several hundred pounds each, dinners for thousands of people at once, lavish dessert rooms lain out like market stalls and all things in between.

 

i was always of the impression that i would have something similar. i would find a partner who demanded all these things. as a youngster it never occured to me that this would be expensive or not practical.

 

there are 2 things which changed my opinion, now Insha'Allah i have grown up and am preparing to be married soon.

 

firstly, it is the divorce bomb that has exploded in my generation. i have noticed an inverse correlation between extravagence of the wedding and success of the marriage. the greater the wedding, the weaker the marriage.

 

this could however be down to several things, immaturity, unrealistic expectations, lack of communication etc.

 

secondly, it was a christian friends wedding i attended last year.

 

there was less than 50 people at the dinner, and we all had known each other for years, and we were all close friends. i can safely say it was the most beautiful wedding i have ever attended. we ate food from paper plates and the main course was fish and chips. but you know what? there was nothing but genuine love between everyone in that room. after the dinner everybody stood up and spoke for a minute each about the couple.

 

this got me thinking.

 

i have zero desire to:

 

- start my wedded life drowning in debt

- marry a girl who thinks any of this is neccessary or deserves it

- feed over a thousand people who mostly dont know me but are there for free food so they can complain

- put nazr on myself

- give in to culture over what islam instructs

 

the key thing here is parents. they are not your enemies, nor are they mindless culture robots willing to ruin themselves and you for the sake of peoples opinions.

 

they are just people like you. they want to give you all this because they think you deserve it and they want you to feel that joy that they felt on that day.

 

the key thing now is communication.

 

find a girl who is not a retard. communicate with her about her expectations and yours. think about all the money you could save on the wedding, which could be used to set you both up for married life instead.

 

talk to your parents as an adult. if they/you are talking about marriage, its time to put the playstation down and step up to the plate like a man.

 

a wedding is basically a nikkah and a walima. everything else is superfluous. explain to your parents clearly and with plenty of warning that a huge wedding is not what you want. there are so many proofs you can use. you can meet them half way in some things (such as a mehndi rassam) and be strict in others (not inviting anyone they ever met, even if it was passing in the street one time)

 

i am scared, but hopeful. i will keep you posted on my progress as the day approaches.

Go for it brother. I've seen some who rather spending thousands on the wedding instead bought 10 tickets to Najaf & Karbala, families of both girl and boy flew out, did the Nikah in Najaf, did Ziarat, and the rest of the family came back. Newly married couple flew on to Umra to Hjaz. Once they returned they had a close friends and family dinner in Islamic Center.

If you could afford, go for something like this. This all costed less than $12G.

Khalas!

Another idea would be a nice Nikah in the masjid with a simple dinner, again only close friends and family invited. Then a dinner in a place as walima where you invite the same crowd. Costs less than $2000.

Let us know how it went.

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but but its such a special day and it happens only once in our lifetime, so all the spending is justified, pls don't be a miser  :cry:    

 

/sarcasm

Edited by wayfarer.
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Salam Alaykum.

I agree with this post and everyone's comment. The extravageance can be spent for a ticket to Karbala, Mashad , Qom ,Samarra and can also be donated to poor.. People fast in Ramadan to be humble with each other , they do sujud to show himulity and humbleness , but in reality it seems like those people practice culture and worship the community since their goal is to show who is more superior in wealth

Only Allah is the judge.

anyway , sorry for rambling. My advice is for the bride herself to go up to the parents and explain to them that she refuses to have this kind of wedding.. A bride always have more influence .

Edited by -Enlightened
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Oh yeah, I agree with all that is being said here. Many people would want to throw all these stupid lavish wedding receptions only to save themselves from the embarrassment of not having a proper wedding that the so called Islamic society nowadays demand. I have made up my mind to not go down that path and would want to do my nikah and head out to a restaurant or a small hall booked only for the closed ones. No fancy menus and no faces that I don't recognize.

 

In fact, I remember reading an article in the newspaper that a Sunni organisation had started such a practice wherein they get the nikah completed for the couple and serve a simple humble dinner of rice and dal :) Such comfort food for wedding. I absolutely loved the idea.

 

A friend of mine got his sister married in a low cost wedding, then as pre-planned with the groom and his family, had his sister come to the airport to say good-bye to her husband and only be thrown a surprise that she's flying with him for the ziyarah!

 

I'd rather throw such surprises for ziyarah and Umra and spend my hard earned money on them than feed uncles and aunties that I never new existed until my wedding..

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but but its such a special day and it happens only once in our lifetime, so all the spending is justified, pls don't be a miser  :cry:    

 

/sarcasm

Got sarcasm... This is a typical line of women, and it is true. InshaAllah that's how it is.

But for any man, this should not be the 'once in lifetime' thing :p ;)

Ok all SC feminists, hit me!

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Well said, brother! 

I have been to two weddings so far and all I saw was israaf left, right, and center. Not to mention, the brides didn't pray... 

Nothing irks me more than a couple doing things that are obviously haraam on the day that they join in holy matrimony under God. Talk about irony! 

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Salam ya ali madad and lanat upon the enemies of the ahlebeyt (as)

 

my understandings of weddings changed frequently as i grew. i have seen nothing but lavish asian weddings where the bride can hardly stand for all the weight of gold she is wearing, floral table top displays that cost several hundred pounds each, dinners for thousands of people at once, lavish dessert rooms lain out like market stalls and all things in between.

 

i was always of the impression that i would have something similar. i would find a partner who demanded all these things. as a youngster it never occured to me that this would be expensive or not practical.

 

there are 2 things which changed my opinion, now Insha'Allah i have grown up and am preparing to be married soon.

 

firstly, it is the divorce bomb that has exploded in my generation. i have noticed an inverse correlation between extravagence of the wedding and success of the marriage. the greater the wedding, the weaker the marriage.

 

this could however be down to several things, immaturity, unrealistic expectations, lack of communication etc.

 

secondly, it was a christian friends wedding i attended last year.

 

there was less than 50 people at the dinner, and we all had known each other for years, and we were all close friends. i can safely say it was the most beautiful wedding i have ever attended. we ate food from paper plates and the main course was fish and chips. but you know what? there was nothing but genuine love between everyone in that room. after the dinner everybody stood up and spoke for a minute each about the couple.

 

this got me thinking.

 

i have zero desire to:

 

- start my wedded life drowning in debt

- marry a girl who thinks any of this is neccessary or deserves it

- feed over a thousand people who mostly dont know me but are there for free food so they can complain

- put nazr on myself

- give in to culture over what islam instructs

 

the key thing here is parents. they are not your enemies, nor are they mindless culture robots willing to ruin themselves and you for the sake of peoples opinions.

 

they are just people like you. they want to give you all this because they think you deserve it and they want you to feel that joy that they felt on that day.

 

the key thing now is communication.

 

find a girl who is not a retard. communicate with her about her expectations and yours. think about all the money you could save on the wedding, which could be used to set you both up for married life instead.

 

talk to your parents as an adult. if they/you are talking about marriage, its time to put the playstation down and step up to the plate like a man.

 

a wedding is basically a nikkah and a walima. everything else is superfluous. explain to your parents clearly and with plenty of warning that a huge wedding is not what you want. there are so many proofs you can use. you can meet them half way in some things (such as a mehndi rassam) and be strict in others (not inviting anyone they ever met, even if it was passing in the street one time)

 

i am scared, but hopeful. i will keep you posted on my progress as the day approaches.

W'salaam Maula Dha Mallang,

 

A really nice post and I completely agree with you. I had a similar experience as you when I was younger. Now I do keep informing my parents that I'm not interested in these kind of functions.

 

All the best for your marriage. Insa'Allah it will go as you are planning. Keep us all updated.

 

Khz

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(salam)
InshAllah I really hope this works out for the OP. I am of the opinion that small weddings where there is no extravagance or waste is more pleasing to the Almighty (s.w.t) and therefore people should strive for this to happen. Also personally, I can't stand flamboyant functions that make what should be a blessed occasion, a spectacle. 

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(salam)

Most South Asian families oppress themselves during their marriages, all mostly in order to impress others, to make sure other's don't say any thing bad about the type of food that was given (people still come up with things to say), to impress each other's families by seeing who gives each other the more expensive gifts, clothes, jewelry and the list carries on. I pray that those of us who have already been through this, can now break this trend for their own children in the future.

 

Wassalam

Edited by Aal-e-Imran
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(salam)

 

It's the same pretty much in all cultures where the limits just go overboard like having Music, maybe some dancing, not having it segregated etc.

 

There's nothing wrong in having a big decent wedding whether it be at a hotel or hall etc. As long as the boundaries of haraam are not crossed.

 

But what's come into this day & age is that the couple getting married don't really have much say in what goes & what doesn't and it becomes quite difficult.

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^ You mean something like this ?! :

 

http://maniacmuslim.com/online-nikkah/

 

Guys, read it. It is kinda long but it is hilarious, must have been posted on here before but it's worth re-reading it again. The most awesome character is the shady Imam (Baby Cause I'ma Thug) !! Lool.

 

Haha! I've seen this before, the shady imam is definitely funny. 

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Salam everyone thanks for your feedback.

 

my idea for the nikkah/ waleema is as follows:

 

do it after Zuhr/ Asr on a saturday at 404, i would prefer for personal reasons to have it read under the alam of ghazi abbas (as) in the courtyard but that depends on weather. i would have the waleema at a small local restaurant or even in my garden.

 

I am planning to buy an apartment soon InshaAllah as well, and for a honeymoon we agreed to do all ziarats in Iraq Iran and Umrah in one go, its a realy shame we cannot visit bibi in shaam, as the first time i ever saw my now future wife was actually in bibi sakinas (sa) haram courtyard during dua kumayl lol so that place has a very special place in my heart.

 

I have been saving up for some time so alhamdulillah i can afford the wedding, apartment and holiday, with enough to let us live comfortably for a while on top of my full time job. it just seems nonsense that anyone would choose to spend £30,000+ just to impress people that mostly are indifferent or secretly jealous of you.

 

dealing with parents part 2

 

this is to do with age. i noticed my friends who had little/ no input in their own weddings were the ones who married young, in the early 20s, while still largely influenced by parents.

 

obviously nobody wants to hurt their parents or earn their badhuas. however your relationships with your parents can be split largely into two brackets:

 

- good communication

 

you discuss things as adults and share thoughts and feelings

 

- bad communication

 

patriarchal, parents want to speak to you but dont know how to, and a lifetime of not being able to makes this very hard to do.

 

if (like most muslims) you belong to the "bad communication" group, then this will take time. you increase your communication with your parents in small steps. the first step is spending time with them. just sit in the same room and talk to them about anything at all. make it a habit every day.

 

a story one of my friends tells me is that she was being forced into a marriage by her parents to her cousin in bangladesh. she was definately in the "bad communication" group. she could not face talking to her parents and was scared, so put her thoughts down in a letter, and left it for them on the kitchen table before she left for uni. by the time she returned home, it was pretty bad. but it planted that seed into their heads. they realised that she is not their little baby any more, so the letter allowed them to start talking as adults. she is now happily married mashallah to a guy from here with 4 amazing kids.

 

so i suppose the point of this post is twofold, firstly to tell you to establish better communication with your parents, as early as possible, so by the time it comes to marriage you can talk as a man/ woman, not as their little cute darling with ttheir adorable attempts at being all grown up

 

secondly, when you have your own kids, establish that communcation as soon as it is practical. break this stupid, ignorant tradition that infects our people.

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I'm hoping I find a girl as sensible as the OP described so that we can have a simple and humble wedding.  The only thing I care about is the food.  I'm not saying I want 20 different fancy dishes, it doesn't have to be catered from some fancy place, I just want whatever it is to be good.

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No matter what we're talking about, whether it be a wedding, a car, a house, clothes, or even food, people need to learn to live within their means and not worry about impressing others.  Another issue, especially in the Indian/Pakistani culture, is to invite everyone in "the community."  This includes people you barely know, or only your parents know, and then of course you have to invite their family as well, and the size of the wedding quickly balloons.

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Hmm nothin wrong with havin a fancy wedding but that dont mean you should invite people you rarley talk to. Paper plates on wedding? Lol okay... You don't even use paper plates for inviting someone over for dinner, then you go use them for a wedding.... Lol

 

*shrugs* we were all born working class in this group of friends, and they are youngish white couple with very little savings. they did the best that they could with what they could afford. i dont see any shame or reason to be embarrassed in what they did, because they tried their best to accomodate everyone and only invited those of us who were with them from the start all those years ago.

 

i wont use paper plates cos alhamdulillah i can afford a bit more, but that doesnt mean i am going to sniff my nose at what they did. i dont think there are many weddings i have been to where i felt more welcomed, important and comfortable.

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Paper plates.. You aren't suppose to use paper (or styrofoam) plates anyway. They are bad for environment.

I would rather rent some china which could be washed and reused.

Don't goto any extremes; a nice, decent, honorable, and simple wedding doesn't mean it has to look like a local soup kitchen either.

There is a distinction between simple grace than looking like a beggar getting married on the side of the road.

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Any wedding that costs more than 5k in the west isn't required spending, no one should feel they have to spend that kind of money but they do feel so anyway, hence a typical low budget wedding runs you around 15-20 k. Ridiculous and it just shouldn't be that way, heck 5k is pushing it, that's 500 pizzas or 5 round trips to a resort in mexico. Year round supply of fresh 3 topping tandoori pizza over an awkward gathering of strange lunatics with dumb photo poses and fake compliments any day.

Edited by Mutah_King
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guys come on stop making a big deal out of paper plates. some people are poor and thats what they could afford. its not something you should really be focusing on, you are totally missing the point of what i have been saying.

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*shrugs* we were all born working class in this group of friends, and they are youngish white couple with very little savings. they did the best that they could with what they could afford. i dont see any shame or reason to be embarrassed in what they did, because they tried their best to accomodate everyone and only invited those of us who were with them from the start all those years ago.

i wont use paper plates cos alhamdulillah i can afford a bit more, but that doesnt mean i am going to sniff my nose at what they did. i dont think there are many weddings i have been to where i felt more welcomed, important and comfortable.

Well since it was a small wedding and they didn't have enough money.... I mean idk.. I don't agree with that, I find it too casual for a wedding, but you guys are close so.
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I do enjoy the hypocritical innuendos of some of the posts, especially when their sub conscious and ego is doing the writing. At one stage, we all mention the attributes and benefits of following the examples of what as has been given and preaching to others regarding waste, yet the very same copy and pasters show their true nature.

 

Weddings are based on the nature of the couple, irrelevant of wealth. People have big lavish weddings  because THEY WANT TO and will ignore all religious rulings. They want to dress like idiots, eat like idiots, waste like idiots, WONT admit it like idiots, take photos like idiots, looks like false kings and queens for a day, check each other out as idiots, stress like idiots, feel alive for a day and then PREACH the word of GOD while doing all the idiotic things.

 

Though I must admit, I do enjoy being invited to weddings, I get to eat nice food while having a full stomach.

Edited by D3v1L
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(salam)

 

Weddings are based on the nature of the couple, irrelevant of wealth. People have big lavish weddings  because THEY WANT TO and will ignore all religious rulings. They want to dress like idiots, eat like idiots, waste like idiots, WONT admit it like idiots, take photos like idiots, looks like false kings and queens for a day, check each other out as idiots, stress like idiots, feel alive for a day and then PREACH the word of GOD while doing all the idiotic things.

 

+1, made my day. Quote Stolen.

 

Wassalam

Edited by Aal-e-Imran
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I completely agree with the OP. Islam made marriage easy, and we have made it hard on ourselves. My brother recently wed a Western girl, and the wedding was a sort of mix of Western and Middle Eastern styles, leaning more towards the West. It was as you described - modest, maybe about 70 attendees who were mostly family and close friends, and full of love. The couple rented their outfits and the ceremony was simple. The whole event was only a few hours long (as opposed to a few days, in some cultures), and it only consisted of a nikah, speeches by family members, and a dinner. No one felt cheated at all. People should not feel entitled to an extravagant and wasteful wedding, nor should they feel the need to feed people they don't necessarily know/like. If you love each other, you'd get married no matter what kind of wedding it is.

 

Divorce rate is over 50% nowadays, and I've noticed that it's the same for new Muslim couples. A lavish wedding won't make the couple closer or further apart in their marriage. But what it can do it put you in debt, give you unnecessary riya', delay your marriage, etc.

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