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Django

A Mans Role In Polygamy By Umm Zakiyyah

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“Polygamy, Not My Problem”- A Muslim Woman

“If you don’t want your husband to marry another woman,” the imams said, “then, reflect on the hadith of the Prophet,(peace and blessings be upon him). You should love for your sister what you love for yourself.”

I turned off the video and sipped my tea in the silence of the room. I had planned to watch the prominent imam’s entire lecture on the subject of plural marriage in Islam, but I couldn’t get past the first few minutes.

It wasn’t that I disagreed with his point. After all, it is true. If Muslim women who are already married think of a potential co-wife as a sister in Islam instead of a potential rival, then sharing a husband wouldn’t be so difficult.

But is this mental shift really as simple as people make it sound?

Is it even realistic?

“What role do you think women play in polygamy?”

More about Polygamy:

- Muslim Family and Polygamy (Special)

- Polygamy: Not a Sixth Pillar of Islam

- One Eve For Adam, So Why Polygamy?

- Polygamy: A Male View

I had just arrived for a meeting at the home of a community leader and his wife when he asked me this question.

The inquiry took me off guard because it was unrelated to the subject of the meeting. He wasn’t asking about the details of women’s role in a Muslim marriage (He already knew that). He was asking what role they play in ensuring that a husband’s pursuit of subsequent life in plural marriage is successful and relatively uncomplicated.

“They don’t have one,” I said.

I could tell he hadn’t expected this response. Then again, I hadn’t either. But it was what I honestly felt.

Brows furrowed, he asked, “What do you mean?”

“She’s not the one taking another wife—he is,” I said. “So the burden is on his shoulders, not hers.”

“But don’t you think women have some responsibility in making it work?”

“No, I don’t.”

The shocked silence in the room made me realize I should clarify.

“I’m not saying she has no accountability to her co-wife,” I explained. “The co-wife is her sister in Islam, and she can’t violate her sister’s rights.”

I went on, “But what I mean is, beyond her normal duties when her husband is married to only her, her role doesn’t change when he marries someone else. But the husband’s role does change because he chose polygamy.”

He nodded, beginning to see my point.

“And when a man marries another woman,” I told him, “he must understand that his first wife will naturally be hurt and upset. But this comes with the package. And if he can’t handle this natural hurt and upset without blaming his wife or asking her to change, then he’s the one at fault. Women will be women,” I said with a shrug. “And if a man doesn’t fully accept what that means in reality, then he’s not ready for polygamy.”

I am saying is that whatever responsibility exists in making the Sunnah of polygamy work rests almost entirely with the man, who must engage in careful introspection, seeking advice, and making du’aa.

“But If You Fear…”

Though it has been many years since I had this conversation with the community leader, my views have not changed. If anything, they have become more resolute. And if there were any advice I would give to Muslim leaders who wish to tackle this topic with any success, it would be this: “Stop addressing women, and start addressing men.”

Allah says,

“And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].”Al-Nisaa’, 4:3

The more I reflect on this verse, the more I get a small glimpse into the infinite wisdom in these words. Specifically, five points stand out to me:

  • Allah is addressing only men in this verse.
  • No advice or instructions are given to women regarding plural marriage.
  • Allah is asking men to engage in careful introspection when determining whether or not to pursue polygamy.
  • The last part of the verse clearly implies that marrying more than one woman results in increased responsibility (and thus accountability) as opposed to marrying only one woman.
  • The last part also suggests that polygamy itself will be a challenge—so much so that Allah tells men outright that being married to only one increase the likelihood of the man being just to his wife.

No, I’m not suggesting under the guise of advice that “one is best for you” while secretly hoping that no man engages in this Sunnah.

Actually, in my heart of hearts, I do hope that men (at least the ones responsible and financially capable) find a way to make plural marriage work—with wives by their side who are both fulfilled and pleased. Otherwise, there will be an ever-growing list of single— never been married, widowed, and divorced—women denied the joys and blessings of an Islamic marriage.

But what I am saying is that whatever responsibility exists in making the Sunnah of polygamy work rests almost entirely with the man, who must engage in careful introspection, seeking advice, and making du’aa and Istikhaarah when making this difficult decision and subsequently living with its naturally challenging consequences.

It goes without saying (or at least it should go without saying) that if a man’s current wife doesn’t wish to be in polygamy, it is illogical to ask her to shoulder the responsibility of making successful something that she neither desires nor chose.

The real man is the one whose good treatment, patience, and understanding will inspire even the most reluctant and upset wife to stay with him—even as she may never like that polygamy is part of her life.

In other words, real men implement the Sunnah of being men.

Those women who seek to “love polygamy” often live in psychological and emotional turmoil as they deny themselves the right to hurt or even cry.

Will You Share You Husband?

Time and time again I speak to women who have helped their husbands find another wife, supported their husband’s decision, or even made a habit of speaking or writing about the beauty of this Sunnah. Some have even gone as far as to share their home with a co-wife (something even I would not suggest or recommend).

Yet, despite Muslim women having gone over and beyond the call of duty in trying to overcome their natural dislike for sharing their husband (as a simple Google search on polygamy will reveal), advice, lectures, and complaints by Muslim men on the subject of polygamy continue to focus on the actions and thoughts of women. It is always with the apparent goal of inspiring women to lovethe arrangement and relish in its blessings by giving their husbands “no problems” with the pursuit.

Ah… If only…

But the fact of the matter is that Allah created women with a natural reluctance and dislike for sharing their husbands.

When I speak to women struggling in polygamy, one of my first pieces of advice is to accept that polygamy is inherently difficult and painful for women. It’s not “supposed to” be enjoyable or desired, I tell them—even though this natural difficulty and pain does not preclude having a loving, fulfilling relationship with your husband though he’s married to someone else.

Those women who seek to “love polygamy” often live in psychological and emotional turmoil as they deny themselves the right to hurt or even cry. They feel guilty for any resentment or emotional outbursts, and their husbands, unfortunately, often berate them for their struggles.

“This is the Sunnah,” their husbands may say, “so if you don’t love it, you have weak Iman,”—and, tragically, the wives believe them.

Ultimately, many of these women simply “break” and become so embittered and spiritually traumatized that they blame Allah or Islam for their misery—when neither Allah nor Islam asked them to “love polygamy” in the first place.

Be a man.

In my view, this summarizes the essence of the only advice men should give (and receive) regarding polygamy.

And, no, being a man doesn’t mean diving into polygamy while completely disregarding the first wife’s feelings. Sometimes, as we know from the famous story of Ali and Fatimah (may Allah be pleased with them), it may actually mean not pursuing polygamy at all.

“None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”— (Bukhari and Muslim)

Yes, women, like all believers, can benefit from reminders for their souls, and these reminders may or may not inspire them to accept polygamy in their lives.

Either way, women should love for their sisters what they love for themselves—as should men with their brothers.

But suggesting that this means a woman should accept polygamy and love for another woman to marry her husband is little different than suggesting that a man should accept divorce and love for his unmarried friend to marry and enjoy his beloved wife.

So, dear imams, let us ask men and women to focus on their own responsibilities and roles, not someone else’s.

And by the mercy of Allah, as a woman, polygamy is not one of mine.

Source:

http://www.onislam.n...-.html?Intimacy

Edited by Django

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Oh dear I wouldn't wish my husband on any poor woman.....LOL. He is more like a 3rd child and migraine inducer.

Lek how nice and considerate of you. I guess this sort of characteristic falls in line with the above hadeeth that says "You should love for your sister what you love for yourself.” But I guess in your case, it goes to a higher level. it's like "You should love for your sister more than what you love for yourself."

Mashallah it sure can't get any better than that. a7santum. -_- :P

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Another polygamy thread. Such a delight. :!!!:

LOL come on, its not your typical Polygamy thread is it??

Iv never been interested in any in-depth discussion on polygamy (Unfortunately I dont think Id "share" my husband very well)... but even I found this article interesting!

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whats more important is the question as to why people want polygamy?

is it purely to do with "variety" or some unfulfilled purpose, whether sexual, or personal, boredom, change , or something to do with having a full home

the prophet has said, and people often forget this, "the root of all evil is love for this world"

and hence they chase after the worlds pleasures, but remember and remind yourself, that the point of our existence is not the world pleasures and comforts, in fact that goes against our purpose, the purpose is to "he is successful who purifies it"

O Allah, I ask You for protection on the day when property will not avail, nor sons except he who comes with a heart free (from evil)(26: 88)

And I ask You for protection on the day when the unjust one will bite his hands saying: O would that I had taken a way with the messenger.(25; 27)

and I ask You for protection on the day when the guilty shall be recognized by their marks so they shall be seized by the forelocks and the feet.(55; 41)

and I ask You for protection on the day when a father shall not give any satisfaction for his son nor shall the child give any satisfaction for his father, Surely the promise of Allah is true.31; 33)

and I ask You for protection on the day when the unjust shall not benefit from their excuse and for them is curse and for them is the evil abode.(40; 52)

and I ask You for protection on the day when no soul shall control anything for (another) soul and the command on that day shall be entirely Allah's.(82; 19)

and I ask You for protection on the day when a man shall flee from his brother, and his mother, his father, his spouse, and his children, each one of them on that day will have a concern which will occupy him.(80;34)

and I ask You for protection on the day when the guilty will wish to redeem himself from the chastisement of that day by (sacrificing) his children, and the near of kin who gave him shelter and all those that are in the earth (wising) that this might deliver him. by no means! Surely it is a flaming fire, dragging by the head (70; 11; 16)

dont people ever ponder over these verses?

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Lek how nice and considerate of you. I guess this sort of characteristic falls in line with the above hadeeth that says "You should love for your sister what you love for yourself.” But I guess in your case, it goes to a higher level. it's like "You should love for your sister more than what you love for yourself."

Mashallah it sure can't get any better than that. a7santum. -_- :P

Honestly even though I love him....if it weren't for the kids I would probably run far far away. Trust me it is not only married men who miss the single life.

tumblr_mcq62slBOM1qlybs2o1_500.jpg

Edited by ImAli

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Honestly even though I love him....if it weren't for the kids I would probably run far far away.

Ouch! I hope he never comes across this post. Unless of course you're very open about that, which then could be a good reason for him to remarry :P

Trust me it is not only married men who miss the single life

I don't think married man miss their single life. Single life for many men is a struggle. I think if they want any changes with their marriage it'll be renewing their wifey from time to time rather than going back to base one again.

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^^^he is free to do both

but should he do what makes him happy.....hmmmmmm well let's just say I will sit back and relax ALONE LOL :shaytan:....as I make dua for the poor soul that took my place :dry: (dua and relaxation)

Edited by ImAli

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I don't think married man miss their single life. Single life for many men is a struggle. I think if they want any changes with their marriage it'll be renewing their wifey from time to time rather than going back to base one again.

They do. Married men miss their single lives. They'd happily live the life of a single man so long as they can get sex from a stable source(s)

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^ haha lek the thought of her taking over your place has already annoyed you. And God knows what sort of dua u'd be making for her. Allah yistar :lol:

Women will always be women. -_-

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They do. Married men miss their single lives. They'd happily live the life of a single man so long as they can get sex from a stable source(s)

hence all of the slave girl threads

^ haha lek the thought of her taking over your place has already annoyed you. And God knows what sort of dua u'd be making for her. Allah yistar :lol:

Women will always be women. -_-

Well, I've tried a few times and it didn't work, so maybe if he had another waitress he wouldn't come bothering me with his puppy eyes and poor me situations.

And men will always be men to assume that we are dying to slave over them.

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In the Quran it says if you had a slave girl says you are not allowed to be "intimate" with them , unless you marry them

it really is a shame that muslims have become like this, they have become lustful and pleasure seeking, and God in the quran talks much about such people in a very negative connotation

Edited by yukapuka

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And men will always be men to assume that we are dying to slave over them.

Hmmm this tells me that you have undying affection for your hubby, good for him. Hope those feelings are reciprocated.

Women should always be women. How disappointing would it be for us menfolk if they were not to be women but something else.

Say that to ImAli.. :donno:

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Hmmm this tells me that you have undying affection for your hubby, good for him. Hope those feelings are reciprocated.

Say that to ImAli.. :donno:

You say much pepsi when you know little :dry: .....trust me.

Edited by ImAli

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???

“If any of you have not the means wherewith to wed free believing women, they may wed believing girls from among those whom your right hands possess: And God has full knowledge about your faith. Ye are one from another: Wed them with the leave of their owners, and give them their dowers, according to what is reasonable: They should be chaste, not lustful, nor taking paramours: when they are taken in wedlock, if they fall into shame, their punishment is half that for free women. This (permission) is for those among you who fear sin; but it is better for you that ye practice self-restraint. And God is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.”

"Let those who find not the wherewithal for marriage keep themselves chaste, until God gives them means out of His grace. And if any of your slaves ask for a deed in writing, give them such a deed if you know any good in them and give them from the wealth of God which He has given you. But force not your slave girls (Arabic: fatayatikum) to prostitution when they desire chastity, in order that ye may make a gain in the goods of this life. But if anyone compels them, yet, after such compulsion, is God, Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful (to them)"

"...Thus has God ordained (Prohibitions) against you: Except for these, all others are lawful, provided ye seek (them in marriage) with gifts from your property,- desiring chastity, not lust, seeing that ye derive benefit from them, give them their dowers as prescribed ; but if, after a dower is prescribed, agree mutually, there is no blame on you, and God is All-knowing, All-wise"

"If you fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice"

"And marry those among you who are single and those who are righteous among your male slaves and your female slaves; if they are needy, God will make them free from want out of His grace; and God is Ample-giving, Knowing"

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Times have changed and attitudes of women have changed. Most Women care less what Islam allows and most men also do not have ability to support many wives. Some common observations these days

I recall a certain someone on here suggesting that his wives all work so that he can afford to practice polygamy.

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Men drool at the thought. Many of us believe ourselves to live in unlucky and dry times. How nice it was in the good old days when if we had means we could just buy slave girls and did whatever we liked. I mean, what else do you want in life that is so fun and Islamically legal.

Yes---power is the greatest aphrodisiac----how stimulating would be the thought of changing a living creature into something non-linving---I am sure most men pray to bring those days back when snatching people from their houses and turning them into blow-up dolls was as easy as to buy a roll of tiolet paper----both served the same purpose anyways---

Edited by ילדת מלך

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I recall a certain someone on here suggesting that his wives all work so that he can afford to practice polygamy.

(bismillah)

(salam)

According to Shariah, it is a wife's right to not work if she doesn't want to. So any guy saying that his wives should so that he could afford polygamy has the wrong idea. :dry:

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Yes---power is the greatest aphrodisiac----how stimulating would be the thought of changing a living creature into something non-linving---I am sure most Muslim men pray to bring those days back when snatching people from their houses and turning them into blow-up dolls was as easy as to buy a roll of tiolet paper----both served the same purpose anyways---

no that is not true, most Muslim men dont dream about such things, i dont understand why you come with such bias and bigotry

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Clam it down folks.

The times of slave girls are over, for better or for worse, depending on your point of view. Most of us can't even afford and manage a single woman let alone practice polygamy or any of its variants.

Much to the chagrin of old timers, it is the women who have soldiered their kind into defeating the man's world, whether us menfolk like it or not. And hence the bitterness against independent, thinking and intelligent women.

I, for one, relish the new breed of independent, intelligent and thinking women :wub:

As followers of Islam and the Prophet and Ahlul Bayt, its not about what we want but it is about what God wants and how God wants us to be and how society is to act. We are Muslims right? if we are Muslims we must follow Islamic laws and rules, and as you know they are from everything to everything .

This is he reason we fell out in the first place, all this 'i want" and "i need" which chipped and took away faith and belief from our hearts which then took away the Islamic society as a whole out of place and destroyed it, and today all we have is tradition and ignorance

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As followers of Islam and the Prophet and Ahlul Bayt, its not about what we want but it is about what God wants and how God wants us to be and how society is to act. We are Muslims right? if we are Muslims we must follow Islamic laws and rules, and as you know they are from everything to everything .

This is he reason we fell out in the first place, all this 'i want" and "i need" which chipped and took away faith and belief from our hearts which then took away the Islamic society as a whole out of place and destroyed it, and today all we have is tradition and ignorance

What is your point?

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I recall a certain someone on here suggesting that his wives all work so that he can afford to practice polygamy.

That could be a recipe to disaster. Well man's needs haven't changed much so he works it out how to address it. I can see that humans are living through a bad phase when it comes to relationship and I hope Muslims address this matter asap.

Clam it down folks.

The times of slave girls are over, for better or for worse, depending on your point of view. Most of us can't even afford and manage a single woman let alone practice polygamy or any of its variants.

Much to the chagrin of old timers, it is the women who have soldiered their kind into defeating the man's world, whether us menfolk like it or not. And hence the bitterness against independent, thinking and intelligent women.

I, for one, relish the new breed of independent, intelligent and thinking women :wub:

I think for the first time women are facing such a challenge. Too much is being expected from them like taking care of family and work. Where are the times where they were treated as flowers ?

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the truthful of God would never imagine such a thing, only the seekers of pleasure and lust are captured by such thoughts, read my posts in response to this topic

Lol yuka this new breed of 'muslims' are the most pathetic bunch of self-hating defeatist types. They don't read the Quran, its over arching message of submitting to God and abandoning lust after temporary pleasures, nor do they even tolerate complementarian ideology the slightest. The spirit of the message is lost on them, all they do is moan and growl about irrelevant details (that have their own context to them besides).

Edited by Jahangiram

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