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How Can I Move On?

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Salam,

I have been reading topics on this site for quite some time but tonight thought I would make a post and maybe I will be able to get some help.

As many people on here I find that finding a spouse to be very difficult. For me, it is not because there are not any proposals but rather the proposals being turned down for no reason other than my parents not wanting me to get married.

I am 26 years old and have completed my studies so that is not the issue. You may think they have valid reasons for this decision of theirs but I cannot seem to come up with a single one. I am very mature and physically and mentally ready for marriage. Their reasons for turning people away and straight out telling them that they will not marry me have changed quite a few times. At first, their reason was because I am their "baby" and they want me to stay and care for them, Now the reason was because they fear I will get hurt and end up divorced due to the high divorce rate and my sibling getting divorced. I do not find either of these to be valid reasons.

Not so long ago I walked in the house only to hear my mom on the phone telling someone "no, we are not marrying her off" and I later found out through my sister that it was a phone call leading to a proposal. I was very upset at that moment because this was not the first time and I knew it would not be the last time. It especially upsets me because I am never told by them or given a choice; this has been going on since I was in high school and even before my older sister got married.

After that phone call I started to get very active in my local Masjid. I had always attended and had been attending this Masjid for quite a few years but at this point I became one of the head volunteers.

I ended up meeting a brother at the Masjid who is also a volunteer and all our talking was always at the Masjid and about the Masjid but one day he asked me if I was married. I told him that I am not married, obviously this lead me believe that he wanted to ask for my hand in marriage. During this time I received another proposal and this time because they allowed for the family to come to our house but they made it perfectly clear that I was not to get married and did not give me a choice in the matter.

After that incident and some time passed and the guy from the Masjid did not propose to me I started to distance myself from him until one day he asked what was wrong with me. I was honest and told him that I thought he would propose to me. He told me that he knows my parents would not accept and his father told him that he does not want to ruin the relationship between himself and my father. Apparently word had gotten around that I am not eligible for marriage. This really upset me and I found myself talking to this man more and more but nothing intimate. We were getting to know each other until one day he asked me to contract a temporary marriage with him and I said yes.

Now I know my fathers approval is required but I felt they had left me no choice. My shatan was strong and my emotions overtook me. During the contract we were intimate but I remained a virgin. This was something that he wanted and put as a condition. He did not want to ruin me and this made me love him even more, He always put my feelings ahead of his own and I felt that he truly did love me.

We had a month left in our contract when he just disappeared for a few days and I got very worried. So when Friday came along and I saw that he was at the Masjid I asked him what was going on. It turned out his father realized he was in some sort of relationship and told him that if it is a girl from the community that he would disown him. This man is 30; not a child. How can you threaten to disown him?

So, he left me with a month left in our marriage. I did not know what to do, day in and day out I was crying. I didn't get any sleep, I wasn't eating all I did was cry. I was and still am in love with this man (I know it is haram).

I still see him at the Masjid but our communication even about the Masjid has decreased a lot. It hurts, to see him and not be able to talk to him. I keep thinking could I have done something differently?

Is this Allah's way of punishing me? Was what I did wrong? What are my options now? I have thought of not going to the Masjid but the Masjid is like my second home, I grew up around the Masjid and one week of not going makes me feel like I am missing a big part of my life.

Any advice as to how to deal with my situation of marriage and how to move on would be great.

Please I don't need anyone telling me what I did was wrong because I already have a hard time forgiving myself for going behind my parents back. But did they leave me a choice?

Thank you.

P.S. Sorry if this is too long,

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Salam,

I know this will be difficult to hear, but usually guys who have relationships like this and don't tell anyone about it is usually because they only want something short term and don't plan on staying with the girl but they misrepresent their intentions because if they were honest about their intentions they know the girl wouldn't go for it. Even guys who are active at the masjid and in Islamic organization do this. This is haram, of course (to be dishonest about your intentions in marriage), but it happens every day, unfortunately.

Most of the time, the solution for depression is action. I suggest you confront your parents and tell them that you are an adult and you have the ability to make your own decisions about who you want to marry. There is nothing in Islam that gives them 'veto power' over who you want to marry without your consent once you are mature. The veto power is only for one thing, that is they can veto a guy if they are not satisfied with his deen and aklaq, meaning he doesn't do the wajib and doesn't avoid the haram. If that is not the case, then they have no veto power at all. Ask any marjaa' they will tell you the same thing. So unless the veto is for the one and only one legitimate reason, then they are taking your right from you which is haram.

Then, you need to tell the guy to be honest with you and stop using the excuse of his father's relationship with your father. Excuse me, but that sound like B.S. to me. If he wants to continue the relationship, then go forward with it (if you want to). If he is honest with you and tells you he doesn't want to continue, then move on. Just like you met this guy, you can meet other ones. This wasn't by chance, this is from Allah(s.w.a) and it is either to test you or to give you a husband. Salam

Also, and most important, Ask Allah(s.w.a) to forgive you if you did any haram. Ask by the Haqq of Muhammad wa Ahl Muhammad and surely you will be forgiven then you can move on.

And I'm sorry if I sounded harsh or hurt your feelings but sometimes getting your feelings hurt will save you from something worse than that.

Edited by Abu Hadi

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We had a month left in our contract when he just disappeared for a few days and I got very worried. So when Friday came along and I saw that he was at the Masjid I asked him what was going on. It turned out his father realized he was in some sort of relationship and told him that if it is a girl from the community that he would disown him. This man is 30; not a child. How can you threaten to disown him?

You are at a very good age to get married. And I don't understand why you have parents making all the matrimonial decision for both of you. If he is 30 and you are 26, then you are both adult enough to decide for yourself.

It's time to tell your/his parents to stop being childish and get both of you married permanently. I suggest finding someone realiable and trusted and as old as your parents to talk to them.

Also, you shouldn't do this temporary muta thing. If this doesn't work for both of you, you are going to realize what a waste this relationship has been and some girls just don't recover from it.

Edited by Gypsy

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There was another thread made by a sister who was also having marriage proposals rejected by her parents:

Out of interest, are you the last remaining child living at home? Is the reason your parents want to keep you so that they can have someone to look after them? Do you not have any brothers who could live with them?

Although some people on here, who presumably have been fortunate enough to only be surrounded by good, well-meaning Muslim parents, won't believe that such behaviour is possible, and will assume there is more to it, nothing really surprises me when it comes to the selfishness and stupidity of parents in certain Muslim communities. One of the main problems these people have is this obsession with their community, and what their community will think. Hence your temporary husband's father threatening to disown him if he continues his relationship with you.

The first thing you need to do is realise that you have nothing to feel guilty about over the mutah. According to several Marjas and ahadith from the Imams (as), you are allowed to do mutah without your father's permission, especially since you kept your virginity. Aside from that, your parents have no right to keep you from getting married, and since they are doing so (which is oppression), you don't need their permission, and neither do you need to obey them in this matter. So you did nothing wrong, and would be doing nothing wrong if you decided to get married.

What I would suggest is you get your siblings to come with you to talk to your parents. Tell them that you are at the age where you need to get married, before you become too old to be able to easily find a husband. Try to reason with them using Islamic arguments about how recommended marriage is, etc. If that doesn't work, try to involve a knowledgeable Sheikh who can explain to them that what they are doing is wrong, that they need to let you get married, and if they refuse then you will no longer need their permission to do so. If they remain stubborn, then as a last resort you have the option of getting married without their permission, but obviously they might then disown you (in the short term at least), so you better make sure you marry the right person.

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This is all because of your parents I say, try to find out what's the problem with them not today then tomorrow you have to tell ask them about it tell your parents or sibling about this guy and ask them to send a proposal to his family, you are just getting ruin because of your fear and nothing else, till when will you shut up and let your parents play with your life?

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You obviously seem very hurt, your first priority right now should be simply getting over your relationship with this mesjid fellow and getting into a safer place emotionally speaking. You are very vulnerable at this stage so I do not think thinking about marriage and opening a new front against your parents will help at this point (It might but it probably could make things worse). You can surely move on, that's almost certain, but it will take time. It is difficult to be practical at this stage but one must try. Practically speaking, it takes a very cold man to leave a loved one out to dry like that, so he probably isn't the best man around for you anyway, also practically speaking, you are still pretty young, and you have not done anything immoral. These are some of the positives, you wouldn't want to be stuck with a cold man for the rest of your life would you? Lots of miserable marriages around as well, so you can draw some positives out of your predicament. Hopefully soon, as you heal, you will come out a stronger and more practical person, and have a different perspective on life/marriage/relationships all together, this will allow you to confront/tackle the unjust treatment from your parents from a much stronger platform. In any case, you will know best what steps to take at what time, in general, it is always better to be practical about these things.

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Most of the time, the solution for depression is action. I suggest you confront your parents and tell them that you are an adult and you have the ability to make your own decisions about who you want to marry. There is nothing in Islam that gives them 'veto power' over who you want to marry without your consent once you are mature. The veto power is only for one thing, that is they can veto a guy if they are not satisfied with his deen and aklaq, meaning he doesn't do the wajib and doesn't avoid the haram. If that is not the case, then they have no veto power at all. Ask any marjaa' they will tell you the same thing. So unless the veto is for the one and only one legitimate reason, then they are taking your right from you which is haram.

Then, you need to tell the guy to be honest with you and stop using the excuse of his father's relationship with your father. Excuse me, but that sound like B.S. to me. If he wants to continue the relationship, then go forward with it (if you want to). If he is honest with you and tells you he doesn't want to continue, then move on. Just like you met this guy, you can meet other ones. This wasn't by chance, this is from Allah(s.w.a) and it is either to test you or to give you a husband. Salam

Also, and most important, Ask Allah(s.w.a) to forgive you if you did any haram. Ask by the Haqq of Muhammad wa Ahl Muhammad and surely you will be forgiven then you can move on.

And I'm sorry if I sounded harsh or hurt your feelings but sometimes getting your feelings hurt will save you from something worse than that.

Thank you for your advice and no you did not hurt my feelings.

I know that if there is no Islamic reason for their rejection they have no right to turn proposals away and that is what lead me to do what I did. I have multiple time brought up that it is haram but not directly speaking about myself and marriage. I do not want to seem desperate.

Finding a husband is not as easy it some make it out to be especially since I am not the type of person who is out there but rather shy.

You are at a very good age to get married. And I don't understand why you have parents making all the matrimonial decision for both of you. If he is 30 and you are 26, then you are both adult enough to decide for yourself.

It's time to tell your/his parents to stop being childish and get both of you married permanently. I suggest finding someone realiable and trusted and as old as your parents to talk to them.

Also, you shouldn't do this temporary muta thing. If this doesn't work for both of you, you are going to realize what a waste this relationship has been and some girls just don't recover from it.

Yes we are old enough to decide for ourselves but there is also the aspect of respecting our parents which is something we both find to be important and feel we can not go against them.

As for the mutah it's already been done...I can't undo it.

Out of interest, are you the last remaining child living at home? Is the reason your parents want to keep you so that they can have someone to look after them? Do you not have any brothers who could live with them?

Although some people on here, who presumably have been fortunate enough to only be surrounded by good, well-meaning Muslim parents, won't believe that such behaviour is possible, and will assume there is more to it, nothing really surprises me when it comes to the selfishness and stupidity of parents in certain Muslim communities. One of the main problems these people have is this obsession with their community, and what their community will think. Hence your temporary husband's father threatening to disown him if he continues his relationship with you.

The first thing you need to do is realise that you have nothing to feel guilty about over the mutah. According to several Marjas and ahadith from the Imams (as), you are allowed to do mutah without your father's permission, especially since you kept your virginity. Aside from that, your parents have no right to keep you from getting married, and since they are doing so (which is oppression), you don't need their permission, and neither do you need to obey them in this matter. So you did nothing wrong, and would be doing nothing wrong if you decided to get married.

What I would suggest is you get your siblings to come with you to talk to your parents. Tell them that you are at the age where you need to get married, before you become too old to be able to easily find a husband. Try to reason with them using Islamic arguments about how recommended marriage is, etc. If that doesn't work, try to involve a knowledgeable Sheikh who can explain to them that what they are doing is wrong, that they need to let you get married, and if they refuse then you will no longer need their permission to do so. If they remain stubborn, then as a last resort you have the option of getting married without their permission, but obviously they might then disown you (in the short term at least), so you better make sure you marry the right person.

I am the last of their children as I said in my original post their reason years ago was so that I would care for them the rest of their lives which later changed to other reasons. Wanting me to stay and care for them to me is selfish because we are all here as guests and this is not our permanent home so what will happen to me when they are gone? I will be alone. Also, they travel a lot and leave me here alone.

There is honestly nothing more to it they don't want me to get married for reasons that do not make any sense. Not getting me married because of fear of divorce to me is like they are going against Allah.

Thank you for telling me I did nothing wrong, I needed to hear that.

As for having someone speak to them...I tried with my sister to did speak to them which ended in them getting upset. Going to friends of the family or a sayed makes me fear them getting angry because I would be going against them.

This is just awful, I hope you recover from this and meet a nice man who will treat you with the respect that you deserve. There are good Shia men out there, you just have to pick wisely :)

Thank you...I don't know how long it is going to take me to move on...but I hope it is soon. The problem is I am not given choices to choose wisely.

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You obviously seem very hurt, your first priority right now should be simply getting over your relationship with this mesjid fellow and getting into a safer place emotionally speaking. You are very vulnerable at this stage so I do not think thinking about marriage and opening a new front against your parents will help at this point (It might but it probably could make things worse). You can surely move on, that's almost certain, but it will take time. It is difficult to be practical at this stage but one must try. Practically speaking, it takes a very cold man to leave a loved one out to dry like that, so he probably isn't the best man around for you anyway, also practically speaking, you are still pretty young, and you have not done anything immoral. These are some of the positives, you wouldn't want to be stuck with a cold man for the rest of your life would you? Lots of miserable marriages around as well, so you can draw some positives out of your predicament. Hopefully soon, as you heal, you will come out a stronger and more practical person, and have a different perspective on life/marriage/relationships all together, this will allow you to confront/tackle the unjust treatment from your parents from a much stronger platform. In any case, you will know best what steps to take at what time, in general, it is always better to be practical about these things.

Maybe I am thinking with my emotions here but I don't see him to be cold. Yes he left me but when I think of it...can I blame him? He knows he will be turned down and I know he will be turned down by my parents. And because he is someone I see often and he sees my family often I wouldn't want him to be put in that position. If there was the smallest chance of them agreeing than it would be different. I wouldn't give him a second thought. He told me in the future if my parents come around than InshAllah if it is what Allah wants for us we will get married.

As for the miserable marriages around...there are also some very happy marriages around.

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Just act as if your parents were dead. In any way that matters, they are.

(salam)

That's a little drastic, no?

From an Islamic perspective, breaking relations especially with one's parents is a great sin. Before going to such extreme measures, there are still a few avenues to consider. The OP can marry without her parents approval yet remain willing to have some sort of relationship with them- she does not need to "act as if they are dead". They still brought her into the world and cared for her after all.

InshAllah sister, whatever is best for you, happens. His actions towards you were not right but he had few choices as he knew he could not make things permanent. You need to accept that your parents may never wish you to get married and it may be time to take things into your own hands. This does not mean you should treat them badly or act rudely but on the contrary deal with them with akhlaaq and be frank that it is time you got married. Assure them that you want them to be involved but if they don't want to, you will continue on your own. Take your sibling into your confidence if you can. You do not need your father's permission in such a case as you are well aware and you should remind them of the Islamic and social benefits of marriage. It may take some time and patience, but your parents cannot expect you to be unmarried forever against your wishes.

Wa Salaam

Edited by *Sayyeda*

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I was actually putting it a lot more gently than was probably justified. The relations are already broken. For God's sake, her parents actually told her they are blocking proposals because they want her to be their slave and take care of them forever. Who does that? This young woman doesn't have parents. She should just get a trusted a'lim in the community involved to act as a proper parent for her. Get the a'lim to help her find a spouse.

Edited by Naz_

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Well, Islam does not require you to ask for parents' permission in such a case and, though you didn't fully elaborate on why the boy's parents are also refusing for him to marry someone in the community, the way you put it, makes it seems they are just discriminating so, again, another un-Islamic reason. Therefore, the two of you can go ahead and get married, if I am not wrong (though, it's always better to first consult an Aalim so please go ahead and do that).

The Mut'ah also complicates things so if he is really as willing himself, as he proclaims, to marry you, then it's better for you two to marry each other. Respecting parents is a responsibility, yes, but if obeying them can lead to sin, then it's obligatory upon you to disobey them. If they just keep stopping you from marriage, that's against Islamic principles and puts unnecessary pressures on you. Moreover, later on, when you are all alone in life, who is going to look after you, then? Also, marriage is one of the basic primal needs of humans and this is exactly the reason Islam makes it such a recommendation to get married early, so that your needs can be fulfilled in a Halaal manner.

And, what Brother Abu Hadi said. Precious advice. You and the boy both need to confront your parents and ask for your rights. If they still refuse, then Islam doesn't stop you from marrying as the reasons are un-Islamic.

So, go ahead and get married (after consulting an Aalim on the jurisprudential aspect)!

And, you can still take care of them, have visits to their house and have a healthy relationship with them (if they allow you to) after being married. You seem to have a good impression of this man and, so, it's not as if he is going to stop you from going to your parents' house.

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Wa alaikum assalam.

I think you should ask your brother or cousin brother (or another close male relative who's married, with whom you can be very open, and trust well) for help. Talk to him and his wife about this problem.

If he can be your wali, you can have him talk to the guy you're interested in, sometimes guys and notice signs in other guys. And you'll know better if he's the right one, and Inshallah you can go ahead and married. Another benefit of having a male relative speak to your future husband is that after marriage he'll know you have some support (since your parents will likely not help you if things go wrong).

Don't worry about your parents, hopefully they'll come around (even if they don't, you haven't done anything wrong so you still don't worry). After marriage, try to keep communication open with them, so they have an option to accept later.

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Just act as if your parents were dead. In any way that matters, they are.

That is a horrible thing to say! These are the people who raised me...I thank Allah for them everyday. They were there for me when I was a child who wasn't able to help myself in any way. Their thinking may be wrong but at the end of the day they are still my parents and I am thankful for them because matters could be worse. Alhamdillah!

(salam)

InshAllah sister, whatever is best for you, happens. His actions towards you were not right but he had few choices as he knew he could not make things permanent. You need to accept that your parents may never wish you to get married and it may be time to take things into your own hands. This does not mean you should treat them badly or act rudely but on the contrary deal with them with akhlaaq and be frank that it is time you got married. Assure them that you want them to be involved but if they don't want to, you will continue on your own. Take your sibling into your confidence if you can. You do not need your father's permission in such a case as you are well aware and you should remind them of the Islamic and social benefits of marriage. It may take some time and patience, but your parents cannot expect you to be unmarried forever against your wishes.

Wa Salaam

If only my siblings were the type that would help me. They are all married and the things they say tell me they are afraid if I ever do get married they will be "stuck" with my parents. I am also their go to person every time they have marriage problems. I actually got really mad one time and told that that even if I don't get married I won't be around forever and they have to take some responsibility for their parents because I am not the only child they brought up. Their response was "wow", "you're so dramatic" and "hahahaha".

So they aren't very reliable.

The Mut'ah also complicates things so if he is really as willing himself, as he proclaims, to marry you, then it's better for you two to marry each other. Respecting parents is a responsibility, yes, but if obeying them can lead to sin, then it's obligatory upon you to disobey them. If they just keep stopping you from marriage, that's against Islamic principles and puts unnecessary pressures on you. Moreover, later on, when you are all alone in life, who is going to look after you, then? Also, marriage is one of the basic primal needs of humans and this is exactly the reason Islam makes it such a recommendation to get married early, so that your needs can be fulfilled in a Halaal manner.

And, you can still take care of them, have visits to their house and have a healthy relationship with them (if they allow you to) after being married. You seem to have a good impression of this man and, so, it's not as if he is going to stop you from going to your parents' house.

He did not have a relationship with his father when he was younger because his father took on a second wife and moved to another country and was not exactly a father to him until very recently so for him to go against his father is very difficult. He does not want to lose him again.

As for my parents they will never talk to me again and neither would my siblings leaving me to be alone. I don't think I would be able to handle that.

I probably seem like I am not willing to help myself but my family means the world to me even though sometimes they make me feel like I care about them more than they ever cared about me. In fact a majority of them only contact me when they need me. But still I cannot bear to go against them.

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just coz some guy is active in masjid donest makes him momeen in true sense, sisters please dont trust any one who is active in masjid.... first quality of momeen is he shud be able to stand firm on his own decision.

Thank Allah u was just in mutah, imagine he would have back up after marriage then what?

Definitely you deserve better....

no need to cry and curse your self, its rehmat of Allah on you....

Edited by Last Reformer

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He did not have a relationship with his father when he was younger because his father took on a second wife and moved to another country and was not exactly a father to him until very recently so for him to go against his father is very difficult. He does not want to lose him again.

As for my parents they will never talk to me again and neither would my siblings leaving me to be alone. I don't think I would be able to handle that.

It's very unusual for someone to disown their son, even if they threaten it. It's much more likely to happen to a girl, sadly.

I probably seem like I am not willing to help myself but my family means the world to me even though sometimes they make me feel like I care about them more than they ever cared about me. In fact a majority of them only contact me when they need me. But still I cannot bear to go against them.

Sorry to say, but it's because if this type of attitude that so many parents think they can get away with this type of behaviour. It's amazing that parents can treat their kids so badly and yet inspire this kind of undeserved loyalty.

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I'm quite sorry to hear about your situation. I don't understand why parents do these things to be honest. My in laws pulled this with their youngest daughter except she wasn't as old as you, she's early 20's not mid. She had quite a few decent proposals and was even what you would call betrothed to a great guy once....but they kept finding reasons to postpone things. She got to the point that she ran away from them, married some man who already has a wife and two kids and doesn't have the financial means to care for both of them, oh wait and her relationship is abusive with him....he regularly beats her and even stabbed her in the leg once but she won't leave because she has a baby with him right now. They ruined her life by doing this postponing and turning people away when she wanted to get married, if it wasn't for them doing that she would be married to a very nice gentle guy and friend of the family and not this abusive creep that she is with now.

Edited by ImAli

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I was actually putting it a lot more gently than was probably justified. The relations are already broken. For God's sake, her parents actually told her they are blocking proposals because they want her to be their slave and take care of them forever. Who does that? This young woman doesn't have parents. She should just get a trusted a'lim in the community involved to act as a proper parent for her in light of her biological forebears being jahil kaffirs. Get the a'lim to help her find a spouse and leave these animals to rot on their own in their miserable old age. To hell with them. It's what they deserve.

Emotional advice...

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