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In the Name of God بسم الله

How Can I Move On?

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  • Advanced Member

At the moment you're probably feeling really ugly inside. Maybe a mix of intense feelings such as hopelessness, worthlessness etc ?

If that's the case then you'd need to go back to the things that boost your self esteem and make you feel good about yourself. Usually being around close friends works really well for most people. Also whatever hobbies you have, go and work on them. Try to occupy yourself with things that you enjoy.

Think of this experience as just another experience in life- nothing else. It will pass, just like any past experiences or future experiences that will come and go like sea waves.

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  • Advanced Member

You're in a very tough situation, I don't think it's wise, as some suggested, for you to completely discard your family. At the end of the day, while what they are doing is wrong and completely unislamic, you are THEIR daughter and they are possessive over you. Biggest piece of advice I can give you is to keep your faith in Allah(swt), you'll eventually get over it and move on with your life. Seeing as he was your first it's going to take you a long time to get over him. He's an idiot, he's using his father as a baracade to push you away from him. He never really loved/liked you. If he really did he'd bend over backwards to be with you. You just have to be really careful in the future. Do you still see him at the center? If so, I suggest you stay well away from him. The more you see him, the harder it will be for you to heal.

Take this experience in your stride, speak to your parents and try to move on with life.

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You're in a very tough situation, I don't think it's wise, as some suggested, for you to completely discard your family. At the end of the day, while what they are doing is wrong and completely unislamic, you are THEIR daughter and they are possessive over you. Biggest piece of advice I can give you is to keep your faith in Allah(swt), you'll eventually get over it and move on with your life. Seeing as he was your first it's going to take you a long time to get over him. He's an idiot, he's using his father as a baracade to push you away from him. He never really loved/liked you. If he really did he'd bend over backwards to be with you. You just have to be really careful in the future. Do you still see him at the center? If so, I suggest you stay well away from him. The more you see him, the harder it will be for you to heal.

Take this experience in your stride, speak to your parents and try to move on with life.

I do agree with you that I am THEIR daughter but what everyone else has been saying makes sense to some extent. Marriage is a part of my deen. I want to stay as far away from sins as I can possibly and really speaking to my parents may be the only way even if it is over and over and over again. At the end of this life no one will be going in my grave but me.

I know you are trying to help and I don't mean to sound rude or anything but you should never judge anyone without knowing them. Calling him an idiot or anyone you don't know for that matter is uncalled for.

As I said before if I had thought there was the smallest chance that he would be accepted by my parents and he didn't try to ask for my hand than I would feel differently about him. As for his father, when he told him he would disown him if he found out he was in a relationship from someone from the community he did not know it was me and he as every person with a high social status would not want their reputation to be ruined. Yes some people worry to much about what others think but I don't really think I blame him in this situation as much as I first did.

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  • Advanced Member

Thank you for all the advice and support. This is a very emotional and difficult situation for me.

This is something I do not want to happen to me. If I do go against my parents and get married I don't know what the future will hold. I don't want to lose the support of my family. Parents just don't realize how their decisions impact us.

Thank you for your understanding. InshaAllah I will be able to make the right choice with Allah's help.

That is what I ask myself all the time. I keep thanking Allah that I met a man who put my needs ahead of his own.

I have been seriously thinking about talking to someone who my parents respect. What I have to take into consideration is the constant backbiting in my community and finding someone who is trustworthy enough and won't go around telling people that I am desperate.

The problem is every time I try talking to my mother she replies with "what would you do if I treated you like other parents treat their children?"

Both of your parents are very manipulative. Unfortunately, you don't seem like someone who knows how to deal with manipulative people.

Edited by Gypsy
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  • Veteran Member

You're in a very tough situation, I don't think it's wise, as some suggested, for you to completely discard your family. At the end of the day, while what they are doing is wrong and completely unislamic, you are THEIR daughter and they are possessive over you.

I'm not sure what you mean to be saying here, but the fact that her parents may be possessive over her doesn't make her their possession. She doesn't have to obey them in this matter, and there is no reason for her to do so considering the way they are treating her.

Biggest piece of advice I can give you is to keep your faith in Allah(swt), you'll eventually get over it and move on with your life. Seeing as he was your first it's going to take you a long time to get over him. He's an idiot, he's using his father as a baracade to push you away from him. He never really loved/liked you. If he really did he'd bend over backwards to be with you. You just have to be really careful in the future. Do you still see him at the center? If so, I suggest you stay well away from him. The more you see him, the harder it will be for you to heal.

Take this experience in your stride, speak to your parents and try to move on with life.

So if he loved her, he would bend over backwards for her and potentially risk his father disowning him, but she can't be expected to do the same? Talk about double standards..

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I'm not sure what you mean to be saying here, but the fact that her parents may be possessive over her doesn't make her their possession. She doesn't have to obey them in this matter, and there is no reason for her to do so considering the way they are treating her.

So if he loved her, he would bend over backwards for her and potentially risk his father disowning him, but she can't be expected to do the same? Talk about double standards..

Sometimes you have to stand up to your parents, this guy sounds like a coward hiding behind his dad. But it is harder for a female to stand up to her parents, some of them are masters in emotional blackmail.
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I do agree with you that I am THEIR daughter but what everyone else has been saying makes sense to some extent. Marriage is a part of my deen. I want to stay as far away from sins as I can possibly and really speaking to my parents may be the only way even if it is over and over and over again. At the end of this life no one will be going in my grave but me.

I know you are trying to help and I don't mean to sound rude or anything but you should never judge anyone without knowing them. Calling him an idiot or anyone you don't know for that matter is uncalled for.

As I said before if I had thought there was the smallest chance that he would be accepted by my parents and he didn't try to ask for my hand than I would feel differently about him. As for his father, when he told him he would disown him if he found out he was in a relationship from someone from the community he did not know it was me and he as every person with a high social status would not want their reputation to be ruined. Yes some people worry to much about what others think but I don't really think I blame him in this situation as much as I first did.

I'm sorry but for Gods sake quit being so naive. He's using his father as an excuse to move away from you. Why would his father blatantly threaten to disown him...it doesn't make sense.

You're probably still infatuated by him, thats why you're so defensive over him. If he was so worried about his reputation and 'high social status' then why did he contract muta with you in the first place? Did his reputation or father not cross his mind beforehand? He's manipulative, he got what he wanted and at the end of the day you're the one who is left hurt not him. Regardless of what you may believe, what HE did to you was wrong on so many levels and speaks volumes of his character.

I'm not sure what you mean to be saying here, but the fact that her parents may be possessive over her doesn't make her their possession. She doesn't have to obey them in this matter, and there is no reason for her to do so considering the way they are treating her.

So if he loved her, he would bend over backwards for her and potentially risk his father disowning him, but she can't be expected to do the same? Talk about double standards..

Advising a woman who's clearly emotionally distraught and confused to abandon her family is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. What ever happened to reasoning? So what do you suggest she do...run off with the next guy that crosses her path without obeying nor informing her parents because they are treating her badly...

Oh please!! You cannot compare the power and authority that a male has to that of a female. Males are, conventionally speaking, the ones who initiate proposals with a person who they want. 

At the end of the day he contracted mutaa with her and decided to hide behind his father...wise move.

Edited by Playing-with-fire
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Salam,

I know this will be difficult to hear, but usually guys who have relationships like this and don't tell anyone about it is usually because they only want something short term and don't plan on staying with the girl but they misrepresent their intentions because if they were honest about their intentions they know the girl wouldn't go for it. Even guys who are active at the masjid and in Islamic organization do this. This is haram, of course (to be dishonest about your intentions in marriage), but it happens every day, unfortunately.

Most of the time, the solution for depression is action. I suggest you confront your parents and tell them that you are an adult and you have the ability to make your own decisions about who you want to marry. There is nothing in Islam that gives them 'veto power' over who you want to marry without your consent once you are mature. The veto power is only for one thing, that is they can veto a guy if they are not satisfied with his deen and aklaq, meaning he doesn't do the wajib and doesn't avoid the haram. If that is not the case, then they have no veto power at all. Ask any marjaa' they will tell you the same thing. So unless the veto is for the one and only one legitimate reason, then they are taking your right from you which is haram.

Then, you need to tell the guy to be honest with you and stop using the excuse of his father's relationship with your father. Excuse me, but that sound like B.S. to me. If he wants to continue the relationship, then go forward with it (if you want to). If he is honest with you and tells you he doesn't want to continue, then move on. Just like you met this guy, you can meet other ones. This wasn't by chance, this is from Allah(s.w.a) and it is either to test you or to give you a husband. Salam

Also, and most important, Ask Allah(s.w.a) to forgive you if you did any haram. Ask by the Haqq of Muhammad wa Ahl Muhammad and surely you will be forgiven then you can move on.

And I'm sorry if I sounded harsh or hurt your feelings but sometimes getting your feelings hurt will save you from something worse than that.

^^^ excellent advice. Since you are a habitual masjid goer, talk to your masjid aalim, take him in confidence and tell him to talk to your parents. Just him talking to your parents might shame them enough to not deprive you of your right to get married.

If they don't get convinced, write your Marja' and get a fatwa for you if you need to even ask your parents permission in this case. Maybe the answer from your marja make them change their opinion.

Bottom line GET MARRIED and get married fast. You have tasted the company of a spouse, for you anything less than a company of man would be tantamount to shoving you under the bus of sin or psychopathy.

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  • Basic Members

I'm sorry but for Gods sake quit being so naive. He's using his father as an excuse to move away from you. Why would his father blatantly threaten to disown him...it doesn't make sense.

You're probably still infatuated by him, thats why you're so defensive over him. If he was so worried about his reputation and 'high social status' then why did he contract muta with you in the first place? Did his reputation or father not cross his mind beforehand? He's manipulative, he got what he wanted and at the end of the day you're the one who is left hurt not him. Regardless of what you may believe, what HE did to you was wrong on so many levels and speaks volumes of his character.

Advising a woman who's clearly emotionally distraught and confused to abandon her family is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. What ever happened to reasoning? So what do you suggest she do...run off with the next guy that crosses her path without obeying nor informing her parents because they are treating her badly...

Oh please!! You cannot compare the power and authority that a male has to that of a female. Males are, conventionally speaking, the ones who initiate proposals with a person who they want.

At the end of the day he contracted mutaa with her and decided to hide behind his father...wise move.

You obviously don't believe that there are parents out there who disown their children...are you living in a perfect world? Guess what there are parents out there who are like that. So yes it does make sense.

I told you his his father was worried about his status not he himself was. And his father never knew that he was in a halal relationship because I didn't want him to tell ANYBODY.

I don't know about you but I am not the type of person who throws blame on everyone. What happened was something we both did. He did not force me into marrying him so no he was not the only one to get what he wanted. I am an adult and have a mind of my own.

I'm not looking for someone to blame, that's not why I'm on here.

Maybe you're one of the many people who don't believe in mutah and that's why you are saying the things you are but it is halal.

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^Uhh where did I suggest that there aren't bad parents around? I just don't think it's right for someone to completely cut ties with their parents without first trying to reason with them. Don't be so quick as to believe EVERYTHING you hear. I'm not putting the 'blame' on anyone. As an outsider, I'm telling you like it is and fact is you're trying to cover his tracks because you're still emotionally attached to him. Guys can be very manipulative you know. Look, I used to counsel, I've seen it happen a million times before. I'm sorry but truth hurts sometimes.

Nah you're wrong. I have absolutely no problem with mutaa, seeing as it's done in a proper manner. Anyways good luck with everything.

Edited by Playing-with-fire
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It is not possible to properly advise you without more DATA.

(1) whats your education and job and nationality and of the other guy?

(2) which city our country do you live?

(3) what do your parents do as a job?

(4) which sibling of yours got divorced and how does he/she now live alone?

(5) what type of proposals did you get and did your parents discuss those with you and analyse them with you from various angles as in normal family discussion?

(6) the 20 days of mutaa that you did with the other guy, what kinds of things did you do and what do you mean by no haram?

where I come from, ie pakistan, there is a saying, scratch a shia and find a secularist. the pakistani society is becoming very secular and actually polarized between both seculars and devout religious (now being called fundamentalists) and Hamza Alvi cited this saying in his book in 1980s while doing research on a grant from USA to go to villages and field of pakistan to gather this data, most probably for the designs of CIA,Mossad and Raw. Anyway that may be off-topic, so I wanna know some of the other things to find out more if you are a "liberal" shia and can discuss these details which I assume, pakistani "liberal" women dont shy from at all these days. The Iranian woman are also very straightforward in these matters. I know, girls would cry and get their things accepted by the family and that is why I suspect that you are probably a guy, making a story, but I am sorry if I made an error. The standard operating procedure in the instinct of a woman is to sit in a corner and look hurt and be crying and the parents are willing to accept any reasonable demand.

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As for my parents they will never talk to me again and neither would my siblings leaving me to be alone. I don't think I would be able to handle that.

Salam Sister,

You don't know that for a fact. They will probably threaten you and may not talk to you for a while, but eventually they will re-establish the relationship.

I have seen this topic many times on SC and I have never heard of a case where after the threats and harassment, the parents actually cut off the relationship permenantly.

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Salam Sister,

You don't know that for a fact. They will probably threaten you and may not talk to you for a while, but eventually they will re-establish the relationship.

I have seen this topic many times on SC and I have never heard of a case where after the threats and harassment, the parents actually cut off the relationship permenantly.

But I have, I know of a few people who have absolutely no contact with their parents, their own children have yet to meet their grand parents.

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Salam Sister,

You don't know that for a fact. They will probably threaten you and may not talk to you for a while, but eventually they will re-establish the relationship.

I have seen this topic many times on SC and I have never heard of a case where after the threats and harassment, the parents actually cut off the relationship permenantly.

Actually I do know that for a fact. Because I know my parents and because of past experiences.

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Actually I do know that for a fact. Because I know my parents and because of past experiences.

Sorry to say this, but if they are willing to permanently disown you for going against their desire for you to remain unmarried, then are they really worth the sacrifice? The fact that you can't imagine living without them probably has more to do with the fact that you never have lived without them than anything else.

I know they are your family, but it doesn't really sound like they have your best interests at heart, to say the least.

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It is not possible to properly advise you without more DATA.

(1) whats your education and job and nationality and of the other guy?

(2) which city our country do you live?

(3) what do your parents do as a job?

(4) which sibling of yours got divorced and how does he/she now live alone?

(5) what type of proposals did you get and did your parents discuss those with you and analyse them with you from various angles as in normal family discussion?

(6) the 20 days of mutaa that you did with the other guy, what kinds of things did you do and what do you mean by no haram?

where I come from, ie pakistan, there is a saying, scratch a shia and find a secularist. the pakistani society is becoming very secular and actually polarized between both seculars and devout religious (now being called fundamentalists) and Hamza Alvi cited this saying in his book in 1980s while doing research on a grant from USA to go to villages and field of pakistan to gather this data, most probably for the designs of CIA,Mossad and Raw. Anyway that may be off-topic, so I wanna know some of the other things to find out more if you are a "liberal" shia and can discuss these details which I assume, pakistani "liberal" women dont shy from at all these days. The Iranian woman are also very straightforward in these matters. I know, girls would cry and get their things accepted by the family and that is why I suspect that you are probably a guy, making a story, but I am sorry if I made an error. The standard operating procedure in the instinct of a woman is to sit in a corner and look hurt and be crying and the parents are willing to accept any reasonable demand.

Sawaal chana jawaab gandum.

aka

You ask about chickpeas and you are answered about wheat grains.

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Actually I do know that for a fact. Because I know my parents and because of past experiences.

I'm sorry sister, but I have a hard time accepting that statement. I have seen more than 100 topics like this since 2006, most of them Indian / Pakistani (not sure why)

All of them that came back on the site (which is a good percentage of them) said their parents eventually reestablished contact. It's better to think nicely of your parents, and think that in the end they would obey Allah(s.w.a) and actually not do something that is a big, big haram.

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