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coffee.and.books

Ready For Marriage - Female

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Salam Dear Brothers and Sisters,

This will be my first post on ShiaChat...IA I will be more active here in the future,

Ok...So I have come to the conclusion that I am ready for marriage,

To indeed confirm my readiness - I read: Selecting a Spouse: The Heavenly Path.

It was a good read and It discussed many aspects of relationships,

However I face a few obstacles that the book did not discuss-I was hoping some scholars here can help me with them:

Obstacle #1) My parents are currently in the worst state of their marriage ever. You name it - it happened: police, physical & verbal fights, court, etc. Since about a few months ago third party interference has died down and now all that remains between them are angry phone calls. They do not live with each other - but they're still married. They are not in the mind set of finding someone for me - they are not even considering looking - nor do I have the heart to ask them to look for it would add to their emotional burden.

Obstacle #2) Sexual Frustration: (Please stop reading now if you are not mature enough to handle this subject) I long for intimacy and gratification - this is not just a guy problem - recently its been escalating. I've done harram things which I will have to be punished for - either in this life or the next - and I need to continuously repent for my actions. In addition, because I'm a virgin I cannot undergo temporary marriage. I follow Ayatullah Syed Ali Al-Husaini Seestani. (I've done some things recently that have eased the sexual tension, i.e. exercise. I read about exercise as a form of relief somewhere on this forum and it works.)

Obstacle #3) (women will understand this one more than the men) Physical attraction - although it may be verbally disregarded in dialogue about marriage - people see it as something someone should not exclusively look for in a spouse - true but it is nonetheless there - acting as an unconscious gravity. I know that if I want to get a spouse who takes care of his body - I should in turn take care of mine. The obstacle here is my weight, in my mothers paraphrased words: you need to lose weight before you can get engaged. So I've concluded she's right - it hurts - but she's right. She also has mentioned I need to grow my hair. Although there is nothing scholars can say about this issue - I still feel compelled to share it.

I'm currently reading more books to increase my readiness: From Marriage to Parenthood: The Heavenly Path, Islamic Laws According to the Fatawa of Seestani, etc.

Questions for Scholars:

What can I do to find a spouse?

Where can I start looking?

What services are available for me on this site? On another recommend site?

How can I ask Allah for a spouse? I feel ashamed to this - I'm not sure why.

All mature comments and questions are welcomed.

Was'Salam

Edited by Naz_

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(wasalam)

Obstacle #1-You can go about and look for a spouse your self insh'Allah. Try to network with friends or relatives, the most common advice people give here is talk to a shaikh or maulana at your mosque but Im not sure how ideal that is for some people as lots of maulana's are not involved in the whole marriage business.

Obstacle #2-Continue with the regular exercises as its one of the best ways to reduce urges. Perform the daily salaah as it will keep you away from sin. Lastly, keep away from silly soap ops and movies that encourage such behaviour, also try to remain busy throughout the day.

Obstacle #3- You're right, we do go for looks subconsciously however beauty is in the eye of the beholder! Try to be the best in your imaan and aqhlaq as per the hadith of the Holy Prophet (saww) and the rest will all fall together nicely insh'Allah. Exercising to lose weight and growing your hair will definitely act as a confidence boost and it will make you feel good about your self. I say it should be done for a superior health rather than to attract potential suitors.

There are match making websites such as Shia Match advertised on this forum which you can check out. Here is a thread talking about Shia Match experiences.

Here are some Dua'as for getting married. Also, I have heard surah Taha helps. Check out the merits of surah Taha Here.

Good luck,

(wasalam)

Edited by Mushkil Kusha

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I will pray for you that you find a loving spouse soon. INSHALLAH.

And trust me you are not alone in this. Finding a spouse nowadays has become such a hectic ordeal. We all need emotional support. And yes intimacy too. And social pressures are not very helpful. You have to muster up every inch of courage that you have and go out there and find the right person for you. May Allah(SWT) help you and be with you at all times.

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How can I ask Allah for a spouse? I feel ashamed to this - I'm not sure why.

Salam.

Our prayers for you, may you find a perfect spouse.

He is the one you can share anything with, can ask for anything, He is the one.

He is the one to bestow you with the the half, your soul is longing for.

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3) true, Islam says "look for faith and personality", and that is indeed what we should look for, but there is no doubt that majority of people, intentionally or unintentionally, do look for physical attraction in their spouse too. Yes, you should work on your looks, but that doesn't mean you should decorate yourself for non-mahram men, so that they may see you and like you.

also, if a man sees good faith/Iman and personality in a girl, there is a good chance he may over look some parts of physical attraction.

best advice is, get married as soon as you can InshaAllah, you can try marriage websites, local mosques, scholars, etc....

....Having said all this, I'm quite certain as I was typing this post, you probably got like 10 personal messages from brothers on this site offering to marry you ;)

Salam,

It's a myth that Islam ignores the beauty and physical attraction. Besides how you look and which is not in your control, such as color, complexion, and such, Islam does want you to be healthy, tidy, clean body, clean clothes, disease free, emotionally sound and so on. There are recommendations in Imam Ali (as) words to look for certain beauty and cleanliness among the potential spouse, the spending on fine but not extravagant clothes and perfumes are recommended so much that it is said in Hadith that it is not asraf (over spending) in buying perfumes. Your one salat is equal to seventy if you pray it with perfume and clean washed out brushed teeth.

Definitely focus on your physical appearance besides focusing on working on hijab and inshaAllah you will find a good husband. Islam is destructive if you take only a few dimensions and leave the rest. You need to take Islam from all angles to succeede in this and next life in every aspect.

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@ Sapphire,

Thank you dearly for your prayer - it has warmed my heart.

@ Hasan0404

Very true, I just feel a little embarrassed - it brings me to tears when I hear myself asking Allah for a spouse. I'm unsure why I feel this way…

@ Pedram

I'm 21. I'm considering messaging a sister who leads one of the local Majids.

P.S. As for personal messenger - I'm a new member - and I don't have permission for that yet.

(I would obviously decline though…)

@ Waiting for HIM

Great clarification, I read it repetitively to absorb it - thank you.

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S/A

I feel your pain, finding a husband is not the easiest thing to do especially when your parents are not willing to help you. I fully understand all your obstacles.

I have considered ways of going about finding a husband myself and speaking to someone from the local Masjid has also crossed my mind but I always go against it. I personally know most if not all the women very well; I grew up around them and I see the way they act and the things they say. Most of them seem like the nicest people ever but backbiting is the way they get through the day. And may I add they don't know how to keep things to themselves. Going to one of these ladies no matter how well you think you know them or how much you can trust them; I assure you the whole community will find out about what you said to this woman. It is not a sin to want to get married an complete your dean so you may think who cares if she tells anyone that I went to her directly and told her I want to get married BUT this in turn makes you seem desperate in some communities and do not forget that it will get back to your parents who will in turn be furious because "you make them seem like bad parents."

If it is an elder lady you plan on speaking to she will tell all the other ladies and if it is a younger one she will tell her mother who will tell everyone else.

What I am saying is you have to be very careful as to who you trust in this matter and any matter.

I know this causes frustration and sometimes you probably just sit there and want to cry or do cry and that's okay. From experience crying does help but it also helps to talk to someone close to you even if that person can't help you. It makes you feel better knowing someone is listening.

Good Luck!

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@ Hasan0404

Very true, I just feel a little embarrassed - it brings me to tears when I hear myself asking Allah for a spouse. I'm unsure why I feel this way…

Ask for whatever legit, and you will get answered sooner or later.

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I know this causes frustration and sometimes you probably just sit there and want to cry or do cry and that's okay. From experience crying does help but it also helps to talk to someone close to you even if that person can't help you. It makes you feel better knowing someone is listening.

Good Luck!

Thank you - what you've said is very true. Its sad but this may be espeically true in the Iraqi community...

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Obstacle #1) My parents are currently in the worst state of their marriage ever. You name it - it happened: police, physical & verbal fights, court, etc. Since about a few months ago third party interference has died down and now all that remains between them are angry phone calls. They do not live with each other - but they're still married. They are not in the mind set of finding someone for me - they are not even considering looking - nor do I have the heart to ask them to look for it would add to their emotional burden.

(bismillah)

(wasalam)

Good answers by everyone. There are many questions that have not been asked. Do you have younger siblings that live with you and your mom? Would she be reluctant for you to get married and leave home? Just because your parents are separated does not mean they could not cooperate in the planning of your marriage. You really should discuss your wanting to get married with your mother. Her response to you would dictate how you should proceed. If she is thoughtful, she would hug you and understand how you feel. If she is angry, then ask her why she is angry and tell her marriage is important to your happiness in life. Please give her a chance. She might be a big help to you.

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Salams sister,

You are not alone. I have worked in a Jewish community and I found myself making sincere dua to Allah (swt) to help me find someone before I fall into sin. Within a week or so, I started to get proposals. I got 5 proposals in 4 weeks and I found the last one suitable. Got to know the guy islamically and hamdulla I was having the best days of my life. Continued to keep in contact for 2 months and then as he proposed, I asked Allah (swt) to help me in decision making. The guy although I loved him so much, he expected things which are uncomprehendible and no human can live with. I read dua jawshan kabir and dua jabrael and in the morning I had a dream I was running in a beautiful meadow with light all around me. I was so joyful that my soul was ecstatic. That day, something happened and the proposal was cancelled. I was crying every night and his image will not leave my mind for the next 2 months. I kept having dreams of heavenly light and once I saw Imam Ali (as) and that put my broken heart at ease. I know that Allah (swt) is most kind to save me from an unsuitable marriage. Now that I reflect I wonder why I loved a monster of a man? Its true that love is blind. Hamdulla Allah (swt) showed me miracles in order to help me move on and get on with my life.

Now, I am over it. I know Allah (swt) will make it up to me because it is He who is so kind and compassionate. I am waiting for the right proposal inshalla. I wont be able to get out there and look for a spouse because I do not feel comfortable doing it and the society here will look down upon me.

I ask Allah (swt) for patience and faraj inshalla for all of us :)

My advice, ask Allah (swt). He is sufficient for all of us.

Hmmm I read you should do ghusul (bath) in a paper with surah taha written in it?

will you do it?

Edited by dreams990

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Nothing personal about jews, just that when you change your job from a muslim dominant area to a jewish area, you are exposed to things you havent even thought about before. No doubt, we have different values and principles and seeing the corruption and filthy practises at work due to the people not necessarily jews, makes it hard.

I cant edit- otherwise I would have took off Jewish area. You are absolutely right, some people will misunderstand it.

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Regarding the note of physical attraction, there is nothing more attractive to the human eye than healthiness. Being good looking does not entail wearing make-up, it does not entail wearing revealing or tight clothing, it does not entail flirty behaviour, and it does not entail surgeries or implants. To be attractive you only need to live a healthy lifestyle. Eat right and exercise. There are a lot of young single Shi`i men, especially in Ontario and elsewhere, who have the same three obstacles as you. The solution is to start looking - a good place to start would be to ask ask your close family members and trusted friends they know any good male candidates for marriage. Then you can approach each case appropriately, through an intermediary.

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Good answers by everyone. There are many questions that have not been asked.

Do you have younger siblings that live with you and your mom?

Yes, I have many siblings that live with my mother.

Would she be reluctant for you to get married and leave home?

I don’t live home; I live away from home for school. So that may not be factor.

You really should discuss your wanting to get married with your mother.

I have, she told me three main things: lose weight, grow your hair, and the age you should look for is 25.

My mother isn’t cold or anything – I don’t want her to be misinterpreted – but she is very honest when it comes to sharing with me the Iraqi community view on girls.

The woman is in mental and physical pain, it hurts just to mention marriage to her – she is very empathic – she’ll feel sorry for me and in turn blame herself as a mother for my pain.

She knows how I’m viewed in the community. Not seen as desirable and a little strange (for the short hair & unable to speak the Iraqi dialect that well).

She is okay with me taking it upon myself to look for a man – but I am not skilled at doing this.

Salams sister,

You are not alone.

Thank you for sharing your experience – I’m happy to see you have grown from it – that is very inspirational. I will indeed seek for Allah’s guidance. Your right, there is a difference between what we want and what we need. I will keep that in mind.

Where did you read that? Which book – I would love to take a closer look that ghusul.

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Please don't be ashamed of anything when asking Allah (swt).

It is actually disliked by Him, and He has very clearly said in Suah al-Ghafir verse 40: 'And your Lord says, ''Call upon Me; I will respond to you.'' ...

That to me is an extremely powerful verse, He has stated in other parts of the Quran as how important it is to call unto Him as well.

So never doubt Him, and pray to Him, He has promised us and He will respond.

Go to this huge website: Duas.org

I think this and this page of the website will help you even more.

I am sorry to hear your situation, know that you are alone, almost everyone is in your situation one way or another.

Go on into Islamic Gatherings, Volunteer in your Masjid, get more friends in community's circle, basically get out there as far as your community is concerned. Word gets around, you get known, and people will soon come in inquiring for your hand in marriage through your mother formally or by other means.

Play your charm, like all the mumbo jumbo borin' girly stuff, as in when you visit a person's home, get right in the kitchen, you know, the stuff those Middle-Aged women appreciate.

Ask your Masjid's resident Alim (be careful here, the female species like to backbite) as the Alim might be getting concerns of guys in a situation like yours and he get to be the mediator.

Also it is to note that revealing clothes, 20 layers of makeup and what-not is not accepted in Islam. But it is recommended to take care of yourself. So yes, eat right, get a good hair-style, hit the gym, get in shape, and do stuff like this to give you a confidence boost about yourself. It takes motivation but the results come , and they come good.

Now, it is very, very important that you won't select any random dude who would propose you. As a guy, let me assure you that guys love to play on girls (like in your situation) all sorts of tricks. They can sweet talk a girl into anything. Anything I tell you.

So be very smart, take care of yourself, play your charm when required, and pray and ask onto Him, for He is Al-'Aleem. (The All Knowing)

Good luck and May Allah solve your situation.

Edited by GreyMatter

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(bismillah)

(salam)

Thank you for explaining your situation. Basically, your mother wants you to wait until you finish your education before getting married. That is practical advice on her part, because many girls start college or university and then when they get married and have a baby, they stop their studies. InshaAllah you will find your husband.

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Nothing personal about jews, just that when you change your job from a muslim dominant area to a jewish area, you are exposed to things you havent even thought about before. No doubt, we have different values and principles and seeing the corruption and filthy practises at work due to the people not necessarily jews, makes it hard.

I cant edit- otherwise I would have took off Jewish area. You are absolutely right, some people will misunderstand it.

Where's the Jewish dominated area in Sydney? :mellow:

You should move out West to Muslim dominated area :lol:

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(bismillah)

(salam)

Thank you for explaining your situation. Basically, your mother wants you to wait until you finish your education before getting married. That is practical advice on her part, because many girls start college or university and then when they get married and have a baby, they stop their studies. InshaAllah you will find your husband.

You welcome, I understand how she may think that. But with family planning I could maintain my studying. IA khair...

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You have all said wonderful pieces of advice; I've taken some of them and put them into action.

I summed up the courage to ask Allah, before, during and after salah for a religious spouse. Mind you there was a lot of crying involved.

However the emotions are still there, I suppose this is a process...today morning and afternoon was especially difficult.

As I was reading - my mind wondered about...I found it so difficult to concentrate – I ended up reading the same sentences in my textbook three times.

At the peak of the emotional instability - trying to stop harmful thoughts - I banged my head against my desk repetitively. That actually helped fade the images...

I had a dream the night before that perhaps infected my mood today.

I dreamt that meteors were falling on me at my old elementary school. Standing I was frozen in my spot watching them fall on me. Was it judgement day?

I soon woke up, but soon fell back to sleep. In my next dream, I was in bed with an Iraqi friend of mine. In the basement back when I lived with my parents. I was sharing with him the dream of the meteors. The moment felt warm and comforting…

Then I heard my mother’s yelling and shouting. I felt fright and dread. She was rushing down the stairs of the basement hysterically angry - wanting to hit me – holding a brick in her hand. Soon I found myself on the stairs next to her, holding her – telling her repetitively, “I won’t hurt you mama.” The Iraqi friend had stormed out of the house as I was saying this.

IA tonight I'll have healthier dreams

Edited by coffee.and.books

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I had a dream the night before that perhaps infected my mood today.

I dreamt that meteors were falling on me at my old elementary school. Standing I was frozen in my spot watching them fall on me. Was it judgement day?

I soon woke up, but soon fell back to sleep. In my next dream, I was in bed with an Iraqi friend of mine. In the basement back when I lived with my parents. I was sharing with him the dream of the meteors. The moment felt warm and comforting…

Then I heard my mother’s yelling and shouting. I felt fright and dread. She was rushing down the stairs of the basement hysterically angry - wanting to hit me – holding a brick in her hand. Soon I found myself on the stairs next to her, holding her – telling her repetitively, “I won’t hurt you mama.” The Iraqi friend had stormed out of the house as I was saying this.

IA tonight I'll have healthier dreams

Great to note that you are able to sleep. Most people nowadays are losing sleep over end of the world issues !! On a more serious note, meteor showers are interpreted as Allah's way of punishment............. stoned by meteor showers ! wow !!

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1) you dont have to ask them to find you one, if you happen to find one yourself (in anyway, such as websites, friends, family, islamic gatherings, etc), you can tell them you have found someone and that you're getting married InshaAllah

2) I think it would be helpful if you could tell us your age as well. but how you feel is normal and that is fine. there is nothing wrong with it, you have this physical need which needs to be fulfilled and you must indeed do this in a halal way InshaAllah. getting married would be the best and the most logical choice

3) true, Islam says "look for faith and personality", and that is indeed what we should look for, but there is no doubt that majority of people, intentionally or unintentionally, do look for physical attraction in their spouse too. Yes, you should work on your looks, but that doesn't mean you should decorate yourself for non-mahram men, so that they may see you and like you.

also, if a man sees good faith/Iman and personality in a girl, there is a good chance he may over look some parts of physical attraction.

best advice is, get married as soon as you can InshaAllah, you can try marriage websites, local mosques, scholars, etc....

....Having said all this, I'm quite certain as I was typing this post, you probably got like 10 personal messages from brothers on this site offering to marry you ;)

you gave me idea :shifty:

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....

I guess the punishment equates the crime?

Actually i am a student and 21 years of age.i also want to get married but in my culture/country boys usually dont get married until their older siblings get married and he have finished the education,got a good job and all that stuff.

i never thought of sending message to someone before pedram's post.so technically he gave me the idea.

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Actually i am a student and 21 years of age.i also want to get married but in my culture/country boys usually dont get married until their older siblings get married and he have finished the education,got a good job and all that stuff.

Till then you will be 31 :P

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children in this situation or young adults are very vunerable so be careful as there are many to take full advantage

of your situation. Ask trusted friends or if you have cousins you can trust, dont trust just anyone, as they may seem

good but they can fool you so easly. shia match is ok but trusted ones might be able to help like ie friends and cousins.

I will pray for you InshAllah all will be well as you are going for halal way about it good for you. As they say if you dont ask you wont know if you can get it...

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Salaam Alaykum brothers and sisters, i was born as a shia in a shia family but sadly never practiced my religion until last month of ramadhan I don't know what happened and I realised how lucky I was or I am to be a shia.Alham now I have become a staunch shia which has literally changed my life.After the amazing change In my life, alham Allah also made me a successful entrepreneur and now I really really feel like marrying and have a loving family of my own.I have my business in the UK and Africa, I am an Indian by race aged 27.I am usually in the UK and I am looking for a british shia revert sister for marriage aged anything under 27 who is keen on getting married and wanting to settle down and have a family.I really don't know how to find one.Can anyone advice or suggest please ? I will really appreciate any assistance.

Wasalaam.

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The reason I am posting this is not to portray myself for sale to marriage, but one very important misconception between the people loving in West and East or namely States, UK, Australia and stuff b/w Pakistan, India etc. Yes! there's a great misunderstanding as well as some incidents which I cant deny .This issue need to be addressed before time has gone. People from back here aren't untrustworthy, idiots or stuff. There's a difference in culture (like here girls belonging to good family cant think of having sexual relationship b4 marriage in Pak and even if she had, cant talk openly like on this forum) which is totally understandable but indirectly pin pointing that people from here are not trustworthy is actually pathetic leave people belonging to different schools of thoughts, if our own brothers and sister living in west feel so terrible about us then rest I don't know what to say and how you guys are gonna answer to Allah on the day Judgement for such attitude.

I am myself a Chartered Accountant as well as post grad from UK and living over there I saw a gap of trust between us. People from West haven't been to our situation and I honestly pray to Allah s.w.t to bring no one in such situation when you actually don't know that will your father gonna come back home alive or not. I used to work for a big multinational company but the reason I left everything and came back to Khi was only for my family because they cant/want travel. This is the level of trust and sense of responsibility for relation in us. So please stop this non-sense as I know a lot of people living in there will not even leave the city for your own loved ones.

As far as the topic is concerned I have been on such sites form around an year and tbh they all are [Edited Out]. The best way to find a bride/groom is via relations and family members.

And please just because some people made bad examples doesn't mean everyone is the same even if you are interested in a girl from PK use ur relations to find out her family background. These country formalities were not to be found anywhere an 100 or probably 200 years ago use your brain and trust of Allah cuz marriage is a GAMBLE, if you take all necessary steps given by Prophet Muhammad P.B.U.H like her Religion(more Important), Beauty, Family and Status inshallah you would be successful in finding the right girl.

Even after sensing such attitude but being my brother I would still pray for you all to Allah s.w.t to find you a suitable Bride and In your sadqa find me one.

Wasalam.

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