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Pedram

Don't Marry The Woman Of My Country

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(salaam)

I've heard a lot of men from different nationalities advising people not to marry their women....

They've usually said such things when there was no female around, so I assume that's when they felt the most comfortable to say such things....

I've had Arab men (Iraqi to be exact) telling me Iraqi women do not talk about their problems, they just build it all up in themselves and then at some point they will explode and you'll hate your life, and they advised the men in that group to stay away from iraqi women

I've seen pakistani men saying stay away from pakistani women because they nag and complain too much, to a level which will cause you to hate your life, and they also advised people to stay away from pakistani women....

and many different cases with different reasons (and some reasons would be....better not said), and most of them advice people to stay away from the woman of their nationality....

now i've heard the same being said the other way, for example, right here in this very forum, we see examples of many sisters complaining about their pakistani husbands, calling them aggressive and abusive.... (and different things are said by different sisters from different nationalities)

now we all know such claims are not fair, this is generalising and, even though it may be true for "some", you simply can not say this for an entire nation....

now my question is, what causes men and women to say such things? what generates such thoughts and views?

for brothers: do you agree with the examples i've mentioned above? if you were to talk about the women of your country, what would you say about them?

as for sisters: how do you feel if such things are said about you in your absence? what do you think generates such views? and if you were to talk about the men of your country, what would you say about them? would you, for example, say they are aggressive?

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(salaam)

I've heard a lot of men from different nationalities advising people not to marry their women....

They've usually said such things when there was no female around, so I assume that's when they felt the most comfortable to say such things....

I've had Arab men (Iraqi to be exact) telling me Iraqi women do not talk about their problems, they just build it all up in themselves and then at some point they will explode and you'll hate your life, and they advised the men in that group to stay away from iraqi women

I've seen pakistani men saying stay away from pakistani women because they nag and complain too much, to a level which will cause you to hate your life, and they also advised people to stay away from pakistani women....

and many different cases with different reasons (and some reasons would be....better not said), and most of them advice people to stay away from the woman of their nationality....

now i've heard the same being said the other way, for example, right here in this very forum, we see examples of many sisters complaining about their pakistani husbands, calling them aggressive and abusive.... (and different things are said by different sisters from different nationalities)

now we all know such claims are not fair, this is generalising and, even though it may be true for "some", you simply can not say this for an entire nation....

now my question is, what causes men and women to say such things? what generates such thoughts and views?

for brothers: do you agree with the examples i've mentioned above? if you were to talk about the women of your country, what would you say about them?

as for sisters: how do you feel if such things are said about you in your absence? what do you think generates such views? and if you were to talk about the men of your country, what would you say about them? would you, for example, say they are aggressive?

Walekum salaam brother,

I am not married...so take my opinion with a pinch of salt. In answer to your question, I think it is personal experiences which people try and generalise upon a whole nationality. I maybe wrong but that is my humble opinion.

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All men are bad these days..

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That made a sister smile.

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All women are bad these days

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.now brothers start liking my post?

Sorry. Over generalised. Over generalising occurs due to insecurity and less knowledge about a thing

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I disagree because these days culture has little or no effect on people, well the more recent generations, because almost everyone is influenced by the mainstream media. For example I know an English woman who keeps everything in all the time and I know an American one who complains a lot but an Arab woman who doesn't stop talking about how she feels and a Pakistani one who likes everything, that's just them not the whole nation or the majority. It depends on their personality.

One thing you can generalize about (well almost) is the expectations of the Arab and Pakistani men. They have this false idea of marriage and what it should be like, I am Arab myself (Lebanese) but luckily I was not raised in an Arabic country so I didn't catch this but I can clearly see it among them.

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There are always stereotypes but people are unique. I really don't believe in stereotypes but I do have preference which I don't share with others because then they'll think I'm a racist.

I do know a western girl who married with a muslim for few years against her family's wishes, they warned her that muslim men are bad news. It didn't end well as the man was abusive and stole a lot of money from her but she still doesn't think that all muslim men are like that. She said she just wasn't lucky.

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OP: please marry all the women of my country.. Please do. They make the best of wives and crazy Imam Hussain lovers, so would prove to be good mothers for your future little clones too. Unfortunately there are sooooooo many of them who are sitting idle without a love and affection of a Shia husband, so please come and do marry them off, to yourself, to your cousins, to your friends, as long as you folks are SHIA.

Now I speak for all my homelands current and abandoned that is USA, UK, Pakistan, and to some extent India & Iran, and the lands of my forefathers that is Madina-tun-Nabi.

Edited by Waiting for HIM

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This is my response: "The grass looks greener on the other side"

to be honest, it doesn't bother me. who cares what those men say,

everyone will get married or stay single coz of many other reasons def nothing to do with what others say.

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(salaam)

I've heard a lot of men from different nationalities advising people not to marry their women....

They've usually said such things when there was no female around, so I assume that's when they felt the most comfortable to say such things....

I've had Arab men (Iraqi to be exact) telling me Iraqi women do not talk about their problems, they just build it all up in themselves and then at some point they will explode and you'll hate your life, and they advised the men in that group to stay away from iraqi women

I've seen pakistani men saying stay away from pakistani women because they nag and complain too much, to a level which will cause you to hate your life, and they also advised people to stay away from pakistani women....

and many different cases with different reasons (and some reasons would be....better not said), and most of them advice people to stay away from the woman of their nationality....

now i've heard the same being said the other way, for example, right here in this very forum, we see examples of many sisters complaining about their pakistani husbands, calling them aggressive and abusive.... (and different things are said by different sisters from different nationalities)

now we all know such claims are not fair, this is generalising and, even though it may be true for "some", you simply can not say this for an entire nation....

now my question is, what causes men and women to say such things? what generates such thoughts and views?

for brothers: do you agree with the examples i've mentioned above? if you were to talk about the women of your country, what would you say about them?

as for sisters: how do you feel if such things are said about you in your absence? what do you think generates such views? and if you were to talk about the men of your country, what would you say about them? would you, for example, say they are aggressive?

Salam u alaykom,

Please do no generalize! There are a variety of attitudes in every nation! the point is that we are all Shia, no border!

Assalam u alaykom

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This reminds me of an old parable I heard before:

A man entered a village and went to the monastery on the edge of town, where he was welcomed by an old monk, the wise man of the village. The visitor said, “I am deciding whether I should move here or not. I’m wondering what kind of neighborhood this is. Can you tell me about the people here?”

The old monk said, “Tell me what kind of people lived where you came from.” The visitor said, “Oh, they were highway robbers, cheats and liars.” The monk said, “You know, those are exactly the same kinds of people who live here.” The visitor left the village and never came back.

Half an hour later, another man entered the village. He sought out the wise old man and said, “I’m thinking of moving here. Can you tell me what kind of people live here?” Again the monk said, “Tell me what kind of people lived where you came from.” The visitor said, “Oh, they were the kindest, gentlest, most compassionate, most loving people. I shall miss them terribly. The old monk said, “Those are exactly the kinds of people who live here, too.”

Source: http://findingyoursoul.com/2012/07/what-kind-of-people-live-here-2/

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Generalizing is obviously the biggest problem in situations like this; but also you should think about who you are marrying before you marry him/her- marriage only take place once.

I'm not married but I have siblings going through this; the best thing to do is engage in thorough conversation with the person and ask frank questions in a separate room :)

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How do you feel if such things are said about you in your absence?

I'm iraqi. Reading what you described about Iraqi women hurts. It hurts maybe because it is true - for me that is - I'm saddened to say that I do internalize my pain. However - in many cases when I release it - its self destructive - rarely against anyone else. But then again, I've never been married.

What do you think generates such views?

There may be a kernel of truth to it in general.

Why I'm this way: I think its the environment in which I was raised. My post-gulf-war-refugee parents were never taught to release their inner turmoil. And overtime they've suffered from a concept called: "Learned Helplessness." As a child I've adapted their qualities into my character. But since I'm conscious of it now - I'm being more proactive. Today while feeling great self-loathing - I decided to bike instead. Biking - talking to other bikers (and one lady with a dog) - helped to release that inner aggression.

And if you were to talk about the men of your country, what would you say about them?

Sadly, for a long time I did generalize all Iraqi men as aggressive. My father was and continues to be aggressive. He was abusive in many ways.

Recently - I've been awakened from this type of thinking - when I met my sister's husband's family. The men were gentle and my sister's father in law gave me fatherly smiles I wish I got when I was a child. He was supportive and patient with me. It made me realize...perhaps...I've been judging...and at the same time asking not to be judge.

IA we all draw strength from each other.

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How do you feel if such things are said about you in your absence?

I'm iraqi. Reading what you described about Iraqi women hurts. It hurts maybe because it is true - for me that is - I'm saddened to say that I do internalize my pain. However - in many cases when I release it - its self destructive - rarely against anyone else. But then again, I've never been married.

What do you think generates such views?

There may be a kernel of truth to it in general.

Why I'm this way: I think its the environment in which I was raised. My post-gulf-war-refugee parents were never taught to release their inner turmoil. And overtime they've suffered from a concept called: "Learned Helplessness." As a child I've adapted their qualities into my character. But since I'm conscious of it now - I'm being more proactive. Today while feeling great self-loathing - I decided to bike instead. Biking - talking to other bikers (and one lady with a dog) - helped to release that inner aggression.

And if you were to talk about the men of your country, what would you say about them?

Sadly, for a long time I did generalize all Iraqi men as aggressive. My father was and continues to be aggressive. He was abusive in many ways.

Recently - I've been awakened from this type of thinking - when I met my sister's husband's family. The men were gentle and my sister's father in law gave me fatherly smiles I wish I got when I was a child. He was supportive and patient with me. It made me realize...perhaps...I've been judging...and at the same time asking not to be judge.

IA we all draw strength from each other.

so nice to see you tend to learn from experiences in life, MashaAllah, and May Allah SWT Guide us all and solve all of our problems InshaAllah.

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as for sisters: how do you feel if such things are said about you in your absence? what do you think generates such views? and if you were to talk about the men of your country, what would you say about them? would you, for example, say they are aggressive?

Men/Women from one culture is very different from men/women from other culture. I don't view these differences as inferior/superior.

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(salaam)

I've heard a lot of men from different nationalities advising people not to marry their women....

They've usually said such things when there was no female around, so I assume that's when they felt the most comfortable to say such things....

I've had Arab men (Iraqi to be exact) telling me Iraqi women do not talk about their problems, they just build it all up in themselves and then at some point they will explode and you'll hate your life, and they advised the men in that group to stay away from iraqi women

I've seen pakistani men saying stay away from pakistani women because they nag and complain too much, to a level which will cause you to hate your life, and they also advised people to stay away from pakistani women....

and many different cases with different reasons (and some reasons would be....better not said), and most of them advice people to stay away from the woman of their nationality....

now i've heard the same being said the other way, for example, right here in this very forum, we see examples of many sisters complaining about their pakistani husbands, calling them aggressive and abusive.... (and different things are said by different sisters from different nationalities)

now we all know such claims are not fair, this is generalising and, even though it may be true for "some", you simply can not say this for an entire nation....

now my question is, what causes men and women to say such things? what generates such thoughts and views?

for brothers: do you agree with the examples i've mentioned above? if you were to talk about the women of your country, what would you say about them?

as for sisters: how do you feel if such things are said about you in your absence? what do you think generates such views? and if you were to talk about the men of your country, what would you say about them? would you, for example, say they are aggressive?

I'd say 60-70% of desi guys would not make good husbands because they are caught up in dunya and only wanna be Muslims by name or Ramadan Muslims... Some of the hijabi desi girls I know have trouble marrying because desi guys say "she's nice and everything but she wears hijab..." so they don't wanna stand out in society :/ the other 30-40 % are good or great mA but they're mostly Sunni; I haven't actually seen a brother in real life who was a good Shia and paki, or a good desi Shia sister, but I've met a few good irani Shia families, but the rest of the good Muslims are Sunni.

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It stems from people generalizing from the people they know around them. People live by the experiences they go through, if they meet a nice iraqi they will assume iraqis are nice, if they meet a horrible iraqi they will assume the rest are also horrible. Its human nature.

This obviously does not mean that Everyone is the same but you do find that people from the same culture are generally similar and that is why most people prefer to marry someone from the same cultural background as themselves.

Don't marry Iraqi - they can't cook :/

Actually iraqis are one of the best cooks, they can cook dishes from all different cultures. My mother and mother in law are amazing cooks, unfortunatly i am not so great but that is because before marriage i have never had to cook, so its all new to me but i am slowly picking it up.

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I'd say 60-70% of desi guys would not make good husbands because they are caught up in dunya and only wanna be Muslims by name or Ramadan Muslims...

Refrain from quoting percentages based on gut or whim or both for they are blanket generalisations and don't serve much purpose.

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this is a subjective matter, one thing cuts across all cultures, if your women are more qualified than you and they earn more than you, dont expect the respect from them.

It explains why so many working women are not married, its because they are simply un-marriageable to say the least. They are highly competent and expect very high standards, so even when some of these girls approached me, trust me i kept away from them. It is better be a bachelor for life then getting hooked to one of these kind.

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I felt sorry for PSG, they just lost to away goals, but they did so well to stand against Barca.

Totally! To be honest, Barça have been s[Edited Out]ing by this whole tournament.. I mean they lost to Celtic home and away.. They are just very lucky! However Valdes did was he was supposed to do and I really feel sorry for PSG.. they would have been incredible goals ..PSG are overall brilliant and I can see them going further next year.. a lot of respect to how well they played throughout their games..

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Iraqi men are legitimately useless. Actually all Arab men are nowadays. They are angry, abusive(mentally and/or physically) and lazy. Sorry for generalizing, and forgive me if I offended a whole lot of you, but there is an epidemic of arrogance in the Arab community. I personally would rather marry a south asian or an European muslim than one from the Middle East. It is so unfortunate that the majority of Arabs are Muslims, they should know better than to treat their women like doo doo.

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Iraqi men are legitimately useless. Actually all Arab men are nowadays. They are angry, abusive(mentally and/or physically) and lazy. Sorry for generalizing, and forgive me if I offended a whole lot of you, but there is an epidemic of arrogance in the Arab community. I personally would rather marry a south asian or an European muslim than one from the Middle East. It is so unfortunate that the majority of Arabs are Muslims, they should know better than to treat their women like doo doo.

Can't say I know many Arabs, but about half of the dozen or so that I do know are indeed quite lazy and lackadaisical in doing things.

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(salaam)

I've heard a lot of men from different nationalities advising people not to marry their women....

They've usually said such things when there was no female around, so I assume that's when they felt the most comfortable to say such things....

I've had Arab men (Iraqi to be exact) telling me Iraqi women do not talk about their problems, they just build it all up in themselves and then at some point they will explode and you'll hate your life, and they advised the men in that group to stay away from iraqi women

I've seen pakistani men saying stay away from pakistani women because they nag and complain too much, to a level which will cause you to hate your life, and they also advised people to stay away from pakistani women....

and many different cases with different reasons (and some reasons would be....better not said), and most of them advice people to stay away from the woman of their nationality....

now i've heard the same being said the other way, for example, right here in this very forum, we see examples of many sisters complaining about their pakistani husbands, calling them aggressive and abusive.... (and different things are said by different sisters from different nationalities)

now we all know such claims are not fair, this is generalising and, even though it may be true for "some", you simply can not say this for an entire nation....

now my question is, what causes men and women to say such things? what generates such thoughts and views?

for brothers: do you agree with the examples i've mentioned above? if you were to talk about the women of your country, what would you say about them?

as for sisters: how do you feel if such things are said about you in your absence? what do you think generates such views? and if you were to talk about the men of your country, what would you say about them? would you, for example, say they are aggressive?

Now you realize why if I had it to do all over again, I would have married a mute.

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this is a subjective matter, one thing cuts across all cultures, if your women are more qualified than you and they earn more than you, dont expect the respect from them.

It explains why so many working women are not married, its because they are simply un-marriageable to say the least. They are highly competent and expect very high standards, so even when some of these girls approached me, trust me i kept away from them. It is better be a bachelor for life then getting hooked to one of these kind.

Yeah....heaven forbid that you have a woman who can actually care for and support herself when you start walking on her....oh no, then you might have to buy a punching bag or actually take out your frustrations on a man instead of being a mentally abusive bully.

Edited by ImAli

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