Hypocrisy In Marriage Proposal

[shmzaidi]

Assalam-o-Alaikum,

This is my first thread , i am very confused and i want an answer from Sharia or from our Prophet or Imam's view point.

Note: I am using "MEL" instead of her name

I love a girl and we both really wanted to marry. We both are Shia Muslim from Pakistani background.She (MEL) is a British Pakistani whereas I was working in the UK . I am a Pakistani guy from a very religious family background.

In 2010 MEL told me to go back to Pakistan and settle their before sending a marriage proposal therefore i did what she said and sent the proposal to her parents as soon as i got settled in Pakistan, They visited us in 2012 and after 2 days they said NO to my parents.They made the following issues to support their decision:

1) I am based in Pakistan

2) They don't want their daughter to move to Pakistan or anywhere and they want her to stay close to them in UK.

3) I am not well settled financially even though I was doing a good job ( and i am from a well off family and owned my own house )

4) I am from an Urdu Speaking background whereas they are from Punjabi background

5) They don't like the fact that their daughter has chosen her life partner

I truly loved her and had no other intentions other than spending a happy life with her therefore I always wanted to live in Pakistan with her and she was also wanted to live in Pakistan with my family but after the refusal i even told her parents that I will move back to the UK if they don't want to send their daughter to Pakistan but still they refused:(.

I took that refusal to heart and started seeking inner peace from Allah, before that i was totally opposite to my family and i was a very open minded and liberal kind of person. That refusal changed my life and now I strictly follow my prayers, read and follow Quran , dua's and try to be a good Muslim .I still speak to her sometimes but just as a friend although i still love her and want her to be my life partner. I did istekhaara twice and both the times it comes as good / yes.

Now there is another Pakistani based guy and he wants to marry MEL too .This guy has not sent any proposal yet because he has not disclose or told anything to his parents about MEL but MEL's family knows about him that he likes their daughter. Now MEL's parents are forcing her to talk to this guy because he is from a very rich family and they don't want to lose this potential proposal .Her parents wants her to start liking him so he will send an official proposal. Moreover That guy wants to move to USA.Now MEL's parents don't have any aforementioned issues which they made when i sent my proposal Her parents are being greedy and giving importance to financial status over everything.They are going against their own decisions which they made when I sent my proposal.

My Question is : 1)What does our Prophet or Imam (A.S) says about love marriage?

2) Is she allowed to marry against her parents' will because they are giving importance to worldly and financial status over my dedication , Islamic way of life and sincerity ??

3) If that girl stands against her parents and tell them that she will not marry anyone because its a hypocrisy and she will only marry me is that stance is allowed in Islam??

4) Also suggest what is the best thing I should do in this matter as i am really confused

Kindly Answer my question in the light of our Prophet's (pbuh) or Imams (A.S) teachings as I don't want to go or do anything which is against the teaching of Islam.

[Gypsy]

1) I am based in Pakistan

2) They don't want their daughter to move to Pakistan or anywhere and they want her to stay close to them in UK.

3) I am not well settled financially even though I was doing a good job ( and i am from a well off family and owned my own house )

4) I am from an Urdu Speaking background whereas they are from Punjabi background

5) They don't like the fact that their daughter has chosen her life partner

My Question is : 1)What does our Prophet or Imam (A.S) says about love marriage?

2) Is she allowed to marry against her parents' will because they are giving importance to worldly and financial status over my dedication , Islamic way of life and sincerity ??

3) If that girl stands against her parents and tell them that she will not marry anyone because its a hypocrisy and she will only marry me is that stance is allowed in Islam??

4) Also suggest what is the best thing I should do in this matter as i am really confused

You are being very emotional here. They visited you and your family. So, you can't say they were completely hostile to you. I also think their reasoning of wanting their daughter to be close to them is very valid. If you plan to stay in Pakistan for long term, then your wife/she would have to stay with you. Her parents would be deprive of their daughter. Some families don't prefer that option. I guess one way out of this problem is moving to UK with her after marriage. Is it possible for you to leave your family and move out from Pakistan?

I don't really know the difference between punjabi and urdu, but since both of you and also your family are able to converse with each other, so I don't think language is an issue here. I think the biggest problem is the fact that both of you are from two different countries/continents. Differences in the upbringing may have shape yours/hers world-view, culture and life expectation. And her parents are rightly concerned.

Love is important in a marriage. I've seen some verses of the Quran and also sayings of Imams speaks about love between husband/wife, children or mankind in general. I don't particularly see anything wrong with love marriages.

I don't recommend marrying against her parents wishes. Don't take the cowardly way out. Addressed all the issues and InshaAllah everything will work out the best for both of you.

Edited March 23, 2013 by Gypsy

[Reza]

Dont' think its worth dealing with these parents, they seem narrow minded and materialistic. These other things about different country might just be convenient excuses.

[iDevonian]

I am by no means an expert here. However,

When you care for someone, it really isnt a matter of money. It ought not to be. Both you and the girl, if you care, should simply work toward building the trust of the parents.

If the girl turns away to marry a guy just because he has more money and the parents for whatever reason prefer him too, then the girl wasnt worth your time to begin with, if she is willing to give up morals, over money. Nor would she be worth your time, if she betrayed that relationship, due to the influence of others.

I come from more of a western background though, so i may be a bit more aggressive about these things. In all honesty, if two people want to be together, I personally would never see any reason they could not be. We are adults, we are our own people. We are not slaves to our parents.

While it is absolutely significant supporting your parents and working with them, we also need to realize that, they are not us.

We make our own decisions for our own lives.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I take this stance quite strongly because, even our parents are human too. They are not perfect beings and there are cases, where they do not know what is best for us. While we must respect and support our parents, we must understand that we control our lives, not them. Anyone who allows their parents to control their lives more than they can themselves, is a waste of your time.

So I would say, fight it out, and there is no reason you will lose her, and if she fights it out as well, she will not lose you either. When someone gives up their personal freedom, for the sake of another, even their parent, it will only lead to their own demise. If she gives up on you, then she wasnt worth your time, and you give up on her, then perhaps u weren't worth hers.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When my parents were married, there were racial disputes and fights like you wouldnt believe. My parents were disowned by their parents for their relationship, it was that bad.

However, years later, racism faded away and the two families actually became very close and realized that they were the ones who were wrong. Had my parents not defied their parents wishes, the racist conflicts between the two families would still exist. The families may have never come to recognize their wrongs. I could not have asked for a more loving family. It would not have been possible, had my parents simply given up on each other because of their parents foolishness. This is what happened in America. Blacks didnt simply avoid whites and whites didnt simply avoid blacks. Not all of them simply fought with eachother. There were those who were willing to defy their parents, to defy culture, to defy their friends and family, to stand up for racial equality, to stand up for what they knew was right, because they knew it was right in their hearts.

I love my grandparents very much too, I love them all very much, but even they know, that they were wrong. So, with this flawed existence we live in, we cannot simply assume our parents decisions are best, and we cannot let them rule our lives.

What happens if the parents deny the spouse for immoral or wrong reasons? You fight for their respect as much as you can, but ultimately it must be in your power to live your life the way you want to, and to marry the person you want to.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Though u never know, maybe the parents do have good, logical reasons for denying a marriage. I am not you, so I do not know the full story. Some men can very well be bad men and not deserving of a particular women. May Allah guide you and us all.

Good Luck brother, inshaAllah, it will work out.

Edited March 23, 2013 by iDevonian

[NonsectarianMuslim]

Honestly, I meet tons of desis like that, parents who require you to have a certain net worth or to have a Phd to consider their daughter and then they wonder why shes like 30 before she gets married. Education and financial stability are important but some people take it overboard. I don't know if Shias view this hadith as valid but theres a hadith that says if her wali says no then the marriage isn't valid so I would just move on they seem to have some valid concerns and others not so valid. Most of these excuses people come up with on marriage are reasons im never getting married its just not worth the hassle

[iDevonian]

In life, we live our entire life here in the dunya and even potentially in Jannah, with our spouse. So why would anyone allow someone else to make such a great decision for them?

Guidance from parents is great, but they dont always know nor see what we know and see.

Everyone wants this ideal life with a spouse and a happy, pious family. How could people allow such a great decision, and how anyone let their own future be determined by someone other than themselves? Especially when, often parents arent around to see the outcome of these arranged marriages (we are the ones who will be waking up every morning to that person), we should have the ability to choose who that person is who will be with us for the next 60, 70 maybe 80 years day after day after day, struggle and experience, trials and tribulations etc. So who are they to make the final call on this person who is going to be with us in every aspect of this life and maybe the next? Such an important matter could only be ultimately our own decision.

I digress.

Edited March 23, 2013 by iDevonian

[Hasan0404]

Honestly, I meet tons of desis like that, parents who require you to have a certain net worth or to have a Phd to consider their daughter and then they wonder why shes like 30 before she gets married.

The like was for this.

[liaquat85]

Salam

brother Education and financial stability is one of the important thing that parents think first.

any ways i pray that you get what you deserve and my prayers are with you .

[shmzaidi]

Salam

brother Education and financial stability is one of the important thing that parents think first.

any ways i pray that you get what you deserve and my prayers are with you .

W salam

I am a well educated guy with a well settled job and also I am from a well stable family but here its more about greed and getting an ultra rich family for her daughter which is wrong in islam I guess

Thanks for your reply.

[shmzaidi]

In life, we live our entire life here in the dunya and even potentially in Jannah, with our spouse. So why would anyone allow someone else to make such a great decision for them?

Guidance from parents is great, but they dont always know nor see what we know and see.

Everyone wants this ideal life with a spouse and a happy, pious family. How could people allow such a great decision, and how anyone let their own future be determined by someone other than themselves? Especially when, often parents arent around to see the outcome of these arranged marriages (we are the ones who will be waking up every morning to that person), we should have the ability to choose who that person is who will be with us for the next 60, 70 maybe 80 years day after day after day, struggle and experience, trials and tribulations etc. So who are they to make the final call on this person who is going to be with us in every aspect of this life and maybe the next? Such an important matter could only be ultimately our own decision.

I digress.

Thanks !!

[shmzaidi]

I am by no means an expert here. However,

When you care for someone, it really isnt a matter of money. It ought not to be. Both you and the girl, if you care, should simply work toward building the trust of the parents.

If the girl turns away to marry a guy just because he has more money and the parents for whatever reason prefer him too, then the girl wasnt worth your time to begin with, if she is willing to give up morals, over money. Nor would she be worth your time, if she betrayed that relationship, due to the influence of others.

I come from more of a western background though, so i may be a bit more aggressive about these things. In all honesty, if two people want to be together, I personally would never see any reason they could not be. We are adults, we are our own people. We are not slaves to our parents.

While it is absolutely significant supporting your parents and working with them, we also need to realize that, they are not us.

We make our own decisions for our own lives.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I take this stance quite strongly because, even our parents are human too. They are not perfect beings and there are cases, where they do not know what is best for us. While we must respect and support our parents, we must understand that we control our lives, not them. Anyone who allows their parents to control their lives more than they can themselves, is a waste of your time.

So I would say, fight it out, and there is no reason you will lose her, and if she fights it out as well, she will not lose you either. When someone gives up their personal freedom, for the sake of another, even their parent, it will only lead to their own demise. If she gives up on you, then she wasnt worth your time, and you give up on her, then perhaps u weren't worth hers.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When my parents were married, there were racial disputes and fights like you wouldnt believe. My parents were disowned by their parents for their relationship, it was that bad.

However, years later, racism faded away and the two families actually became very close and realized that they were the ones who were wrong. Had my parents not defied their parents wishes, the racist conflicts between the two families would still exist. The families may have never come to recognize their wrongs. I could not have asked for a more loving family. It would not have been possible, had my parents simply given up on each other because of their parents foolishness. This is what happened in America. Blacks didnt simply avoid whites and whites didnt simply avoid blacks. Not all of them simply fought with eachother. There were those who were willing to defy their parents, to defy culture, to defy their friends and family, to stand up for racial equality, to stand up for what they knew was right, because they knew it was right in their hearts.

I love my grandparents very much too, I love them all very much, but even they know, that they were wrong. So, with this flawed existence we live in, we cannot simply assume our parents decisions are best, and we cannot let them rule our lives.

What happens if the parents deny the spouse for immoral or wrong reasons? You fight for their respect as much as you can, but ultimately it must be in your power to live your life the way you want to, and to marry the person you want to.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Though u never know, maybe the parents do have good, logical reasons for denying a marriage. I am not you, so I do not know the full story. Some men can very well be bad men and not deserving of a particular women. May Allah guide you and us all.

Good Luck brother, inshaAllah, it will work out.

Thanks a lot ... i hope it works out the way we want. !!

[shmzaidi]

You are being very emotional here. They visited you and your family. So, you can't say they were completely hostile to you. I also think their reasoning of wanting their daughter to be close to them is very valid. If you plan to stay in Pakistan for long term, then your wife/she would have to stay with you. Her parents would be deprive of their daughter. Some families don't prefer that option. I guess one way out of this problem is moving to UK with her after marriage. Is it possible for you to leave your family and move out from Pakistan?

I don't really know the difference between punjabi and urdu, but since both of you and also your family are able to converse with each other, so I don't think language is an issue here. I think the biggest problem is the fact that both of you are from two different countries/continents. Differences in the upbringing may have shape yours/hers world-view, culture and life expectation. And her parents are rightly concerned.

Love is important in a marriage. I've seen some verses of the Quran and also sayings of Imams speaks about love between husband/wife, children or mankind in general. I don't particularly see anything wrong with love marriages.

I don't recommend marrying against her parents wishes. Don't take the cowardly way out. Addressed all the issues and InshaAllah everything will work out the best for both of you.

Salam

Thanks for your reply,1st of all let me tell you that her parents are also from a Pakistani background and they have family and friends here as well and they visit Pakistan quite often and they did not came to Pakistan especially for me . second thing is if her parents want their daughter to stay close to them in the UK (in my case ) than why they are ready to marry their daughter to a guy who is in Pakistan and he is moving to USA. Now they have no problem when her daughter moves away from them and lives in USA and the only reason they have no issue now is because that guy is from a VERY Rich Family .

That's a pure example of greed and hypocrisy which is not allowed in Islam therefore they are going against Islam !!

[shmzaidi]

Honestly, I meet tons of desis like that, parents who require you to have a certain net worth or to have a Phd to consider their daughter and then they wonder why shes like 30 before she gets married. Education and financial stability are important but some people take it overboard. I don't know if Shias view this hadith as valid but theres a hadith that says if her wali says no then the marriage isn't valid so I would just move on they seem to have some valid concerns and others not so valid. Most of these excuses people come up with on marriage are reasons im never getting married its just not worth the hassle

You are right !!

[inferno]

In 2010 MEL told me to go back to Pakistan and settle their before sending a marriage proposal therefore i did what she said

OK... Why? It's like "Mel" set up a deliberate trap.

[Haydar Husayn]

None of their objections are Islamic (to say the least), so she is under no obligation to obey her father if he refuses to let her marry you (the mother's objection in any case being utterly irrelevant). Islam has no problem with people choosing their own spouse. It's just certain cultures that object to it. As for ahadith, there is a famous Sahih one that roughly says that if a religious man whose character you like proposes to you then don't reject him or their will be great corruption on earth. I can post the exact hadith later insha'Allah. As for standing up against unislamic attitudes, I would say that Islam positively encourages it.

So from an Islamic perspective, she certainly can insist on marrying you. Whether she would want to go against her family on the other hand is a completely different question.

[Ali Musaaa :)]

None of their objections are Islamic (to say the least), so she is under no obligation to obey her father if he refuses to let her marry you (the mother's objection in any case being utterly irrelevant). Islam has no problem with people choosing their own spouse. It's just certain cultures that object to it. As for ahadith, there is a famous Sahih one that roughly says that if a religious man whose character you like proposes to you then don't reject him or their will be great corruption on earth. I can post the exact hadith later insha'Allah. As for standing up against unislamic attitudes, I would say that Islam positively encourages it.

So from an Islamic perspective, she certainly can insist on marrying you. Whether she would want to go against her family on the other hand is a completely different question.

This is it I believe:

فَإِنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ ص قَالَ إِذَا جَاءَكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ خُلُقَهُ وَ دِينَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ إِنَّكُمْ إِلَّا تَفْعَلُوا ذَلِكَ تَكُنْ فِتْنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَ فَسَادٌ كَبِيرٌ

Abī Ja`far (al-Jawād) said: ‘Verily the Messenger of Allāh (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) said: “If someone comes to you and you are satisfied with his manners and religion, marry him. Verily, if you do not do that, there will be fitnah (sedition) on the earth and great fasād (corruption)”’

Source:

1. Al-Tūsī, Tahdhīb al-Aḥkām, 10 vols., (Tehran: Dār al-Kutub al-Islāmiyyah, 4th Edition, 1407 AH), vol. 7, pg. 395, hadeeth # 4

Grading:

1. Al-Majlisī said this hadeeth is Muwaththaq (Reliable)

à Milādh al-Akhyār (Qum: Maktabah Ayatollah al-Mar`ashī al-Najafī, 1406 AH), vol. 12, pg. 311

http://www.revivingalislam.com/2011/10/punishment-for-rejecting-religious.html

[Ali Musaaa :)]

I think parents should be the last people dictating like tyrants who their children will spend the rest of their lives with. The fifth point they mentioned for rejecting you is utterly absurd and only proves their ignorance. As Haydar said, in your situation 'MEL' is under no obligation to obey her parents, so she would be free to marry you if she so wished. But going against her families wishes may cause some personal problems. Insha'Allah everything works out. Keep making Dua and don't give up.

[Haydar Husayn]

This is it I believe:

فَإِنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ ص قَالَ إِذَا جَاءَكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ خُلُقَهُ وَ دِينَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ إِنَّكُمْ إِلَّا تَفْعَلُوا ذَلِكَ تَكُنْ فِتْنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَ فَسَادٌ كَبِيرٌ

Abī Ja`far (al-Jawād) said: ‘Verily the Messenger of Allāh (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) said: “If someone comes to you and you are satisfied with his manners and religion, marry him. Verily, if you do not do that, there will be fitnah (sedition) on the earth and great fasād (corruption)”’

Source:

1. Al-Tūsī, Tahdhīb al-Aḥkām, 10 vols., (Tehran: Dār al-Kutub al-Islāmiyyah, 4th Edition, 1407 AH), vol. 7, pg. 395, hadeeth # 4

Grading:

1. Al-Majlisī said this hadeeth is Muwaththaq (Reliable)

à Milādh al-Akhyār (Qum: Maktabah Ayatollah al-Mar`ashī al-Najafī, 1406 AH), vol. 12, pg. 311

http://www.revivinga...-religious.html

JazakAllah khayran. By the way, for those who want scholarly approval for this hadith:

2468. If a person proposing marriage is known for his virtues and faith, then it is recommended that his proposal should not be rejected. The Prophet (s.a.w.a.) is reported to have said: "Whenever you receive a proposal for marriage on your daughter from a man whose virtue and piety pleases you, then give her hand in his in marriage. For if you do not do this way, great scandals and lapses will fill the earth."

http://www.sistani.org/index.php?p=251364&id=48&pid=2352

[siraatoaliyinhaqqun]

Salamalaikum.

1, 2, and three are valid reasons for the wali to reject. Rasool Allah saws said: Do not marry a girl from the city to a boy in the village. And imam sadiq a.s said: Give a girl in a better off family and bring a girl from someone lesser in status than you .

The reasons above are related to not causing a woman to feel restrained financially or in other matters . Your situation is different and the girl wanted you to go back to Pakistan and seek proposal and her parents didn't know your bollywood-style plan. So the reasons are not valid in your case. If she is financially independent and is old enough to take her own decision then send the wedding card to her parents and before that tell them that you are in love and explain to them what you both conspired

Edited March 23, 2013 by siraatoaliyinhaqqun

[Ali Musaaa :)]

Salamalaikum.

1, 2, and three are valid reasons for the wali to reject. Rasool Allah saws said: Do not marry a girl from the city to a boy in the village. And imam sadiq a.s said: Give a girl in a better off family and bring a girl from someone lesser in status than you .

The reasons above are related to not causing a woman to feel restrained financially or in other matters . Your situation is different and the girl wanted you to go back to Pakistan and seek proposal. So the reasons are not valid in your case. If she is financially independent and is old enough to take her own decision then send the wedding card to her parents or straight away tell them that you are in love

Can you please provide references for your claims.

[siraatoaliyinhaqqun]

Can you please provide references for your claims.

http://www.al-islam.org/marriageandfamily/

I think I read it in this book

[Ali Musaaa :)]

http://www.al-islam.org/marriageandfamily/

I think I read it in this book

I'd just like to correct you, points 1 and 2 are not valid reasons for MELA wali to reject because the brother offered to move back to the Uk and they still said no without providing a legitimate answer.

[Haydar Husayn]

Salamalaikum.

1, 2, and three are valid reasons for the wali to reject. Rasool Allah saws said: Do not marry a girl from the city to a boy in the village. And imam sadiq a.s said: Give a girl in a better off family and bring a girl from someone lesser in status than you .

How would you explain the Prophet (pbuh) arranging the marriage of his first cousin Zaynab bint Jahsh to the freed slave Zayd ibn Haritha then?

[Gypsy]

How would you explain the Prophet (pbuh) arranging the marriage of his first cousin Zaynab bint Jahsh to the freed slave Zayd ibn Haritha then?

But the marriage turned out to be a disaster. They were divorced very shortly after the marriage. So, this example didn't prove that just because everyone is equal, they will all live happily ever after.

[Haydar Husayn]

But the marriage turned out to be a disaster. They were divorced very shortly after the marriage. So, this example didn't prove that just because everyone is equal, they will all live happily ever after.

I never said it proved that we all live happily ever after, but plenty of marriages end in disaster, no matter what the socio-economic similiarities between the couple. The point is the Prophet (pbuh) was showing that he did not consider these to be factors that should determine whether two people should marry or not.

[Gypsy]

The point is the Prophet (pbuh) was showing that he did not consider these to be factors that should determine whether two people should marry or not.

No one disagree with this general idea.

But at the end of the day, as shown in the example of Zaynab and Zayd, marriages don't seem to work out, even when they are conducted with the best of intention, even when they are conducted by the best human being in the world.

[Haydar Husayn]

No one disagree with this general idea.

But at the end of the day, as shown in the example of Zaynab and Zayd, marriages don't seem to work out, even when they are conducted with the best of intention, even when they are conducted by the best human being in the world.

Some marriages don't work out, of course. I don't see your point, unless you are trying to argue that marriages between people of different backgrounds don't seem to work out, which would call into question the judgment of the Prophet (pbuh) in arranging such a marriage.

[lightningflash]

Assalam-o-Alaikum,

This is my first thread , i am very confused and i want an answer from Sharia or from our Prophet or Imam's view point.

Note: I am using "MEL" instead of her name

I love a girl and we both really wanted to marry. We both are Shia Muslim from Pakistani background.She (MEL) is a British Pakistani whereas I was working in the UK . I am a Pakistani guy from a very religious family background.

In 2010 MEL told me to go back to Pakistan and settle their before sending a marriage proposal therefore i did what she said and sent the proposal to her parents as soon as i got settled in Pakistan, They visited us in 2012 and after 2 days they said NO to my parents.They made the following issues to support their decision:

1) I am based in Pakistan

2) They don't want their daughter to move to Pakistan or anywhere and they want her to stay close to them in UK.

3) I am not well settled financially even though I was doing a good job ( and i am from a well off family and owned my own house )

4) I am from an Urdu Speaking background whereas they are from Punjabi background

5) They don't like the fact that their daughter has chosen her life partner

I truly loved her and had no other intentions other than spending a happy life with her therefore I always wanted to live in Pakistan with her and she was also wanted to live in Pakistan with my family but after the refusal i even told her parents that I will move back to the UK if they don't want to send their daughter to Pakistan but still they refused:(.

I took that refusal to heart and started seeking inner peace from Allah, before that i was totally opposite to my family and i was a very open minded and liberal kind of person. That refusal changed my life and now I strictly follow my prayers, read and follow Quran , dua's and try to be a good Muslim .I still speak to her sometimes but just as a friend although i still love her and want her to be my life partner. I did istekhaara twice and both the times it comes as good / yes.

Now there is another Pakistani based guy and he wants to marry MEL too .This guy has not sent any proposal yet because he has not disclose or told anything to his parents about MEL but MEL's family knows about him that he likes their daughter. Now MEL's parents are forcing her to talk to this guy because he is from a very rich family and they don't want to lose this potential proposal .Her parents wants her to start liking him so he will send an official proposal. Moreover That guy wants to move to USA.Now MEL's parents don't have any aforementioned issues which they made when i sent my proposal Her parents are being greedy and giving importance to financial status over everything.They are going against their own decisions which they made when I sent my proposal.

My Question is : 1)What does our Prophet or Imam (A.S) says about love marriage?

2) Is she allowed to marry against her parents' will because they are giving importance to worldly and financial status over my dedication , Islamic way of life and sincerity ??

3) If that girl stands against her parents and tell them that she will not marry anyone because its a hypocrisy and she will only marry me is that stance is allowed in Islam??

4) Also suggest what is the best thing I should do in this matter as i am really confused

Kindly Answer my question in the light of our Prophet's (pbuh) or Imams (A.S) teachings as I don't want to go or do anything which is against the teaching of Islam.

Since marriage is half of faith, and you are supposed to listen to your parents in every matter except religion ..

Praying for you !

I am by no means an expert here. However,

When you care for someone, it really isnt a matter of money. It ought not to be. Both you and the girl, if you care, should simply work toward building the trust of the parents.

If the girl turns away to marry a guy just because he has more money and the parents for whatever reason prefer him too, then the girl wasnt worth your time to begin with, if she is willing to give up morals, over money. Nor would she be worth your time, if she betrayed that relationship, due to the influence of others.

I come from more of a western background though, so i may be a bit more aggressive about these things. In all honesty, if two people want to be together, I personally would never see any reason they could not be. We are adults, we are our own people. We are not slaves to our parents.

While it is absolutely significant supporting your parents and working with them, we also need to realize that, they are not us.

We make our own decisions for our own lives.

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I take this stance quite strongly because, even our parents are human too. They are not perfect beings and there are cases, where they do not know what is best for us. While we must respect and support our parents, we must understand that we control our lives, not them. Anyone who allows their parents to control their lives more than they can themselves, is a waste of your time.

So I would say, fight it out, and there is no reason you will lose her, and if she fights it out as well, she will not lose you either. When someone gives up their personal freedom, for the sake of another, even their parent, it will only lead to their own demise. If she gives up on you, then she wasnt worth your time, and you give up on her, then perhaps u weren't worth hers.

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When my parents were married, there were racial disputes and fights like you wouldnt believe. My parents were disowned by their parents for their relationship, it was that bad.

However, years later, racism faded away and the two families actually became very close and realized that they were the ones who were wrong. Had my parents not defied their parents wishes, the racist conflicts between the two families would still exist. The families may have never come to recognize their wrongs. I could not have asked for a more loving family. It would not have been possible, had my parents simply given up on each other because of their parents foolishness. This is what happened in America. Blacks didnt simply avoid whites and whites didnt simply avoid blacks. Not all of them simply fought with eachother. There were those who were willing to defy their parents, to defy culture, to defy their friends and family, to stand up for racial equality, to stand up for what they knew was right, because they knew it was right in their hearts.

I love my grandparents very much too, I love them all very much, but even they know, that they were wrong. So, with this flawed existence we live in, we cannot simply assume our parents decisions are best, and we cannot let them rule our lives.

What happens if the parents deny the spouse for immoral or wrong reasons? You fight for their respect as much as you can, but ultimately it must be in your power to live your life the way you want to, and to marry the person you want to.

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Though u never know, maybe the parents do have good, logical reasons for denying a marriage. I am not you, so I do not know the full story. Some men can very well be bad men and not deserving of a particular women. May Allah guide you and us all.

Good Luck brother, inshaAllah, it will work out.

Kudos to your parents! Mashaállah loved the post. But you're underestimate the pressurizing tactics of Pakistani parents - they would prefer to kill their child than have them "disobey" their will... even in this day and age! No education can free the minds of these crazy people enslaved to culture/tradition/ "what their forefathers used to do"

Ugh. hate these people.

Edited March 24, 2013 by lightningflash

[Jahangiram]

Some marriages don't work out, of course. I don't see your point, unless you are trying to argue that marriages between people of different backgrounds don't seem to work out, which would call into question the judgment of the Prophet (pbuh) in arranging such a marriage.

Hmmm was Zaid's clan a part of Quraish? This would be a smack in the face to those medieval sunni jurists who thought ancestry should be considered in kuf'.

[shmzaidi]

I think parents should be the last people dictating like tyrants who their children will spend the rest of their lives with. The fifth point they mentioned for rejecting you is utterly absurd and only proves their ignorance. As Haydar said, in your situation 'MEL' is under no obligation to obey her parents, so she would be free to marry you if she so wished. But going against her families wishes may cause some personal problems. Insha'Allah everything works out. Keep making Dua and don't give up.

Thanks

[liaquat85]

After reading your situation brother i would also say fight it out, and there is no reason you will lose her, and if she fights it out as well, she will not lose you either.

may Allah bless you and you have what is best for your self

[Sleepster4ever]

When i read it i first thought of Romeo and Juliet, just don't end up doing what they did.

[Abd-Rabbi ALLAH]

Al salam alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh

Brother listen, it is narrated from the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH&HP) forced marriage is not allowed , it is not accepted by Allah .. if I recall it correctly the exact words I think it was even haram. A girl can NOT be forced to amrry someone., Even the daughter A.S of our beloved prophet PBUH&HP when Allah chose Imam Ali a.s for her, The prophet had to ask her for her opinion on the matter, if she agrees or not. You see how important it is that the girl should choose herself if she agreed or not? Im thinking that her parents should know this.

With that said I wish you luck both of you Insha'Allah Allah gives you the best of this world and the next and make you of the people who please him Insha'Allah, and may Allah make us all like that AMEENA RABBAL 'ALAMEEN.

Salam

Duas

[Guest]

a marriage is void if the girl isnt happy with it or if she is being forced into it. If she will only then he happy with you then the parents need to consider this especially if theyre rejecting you based on not being from a Punjabi speaking background. If a girl is able to find herself an ideal partner in a halal way i dont see why parents are not supportive of that, after all its her life and Islam encourages people to search for potential spouses (in a halal way of course). The Prophets and Imams (as) married women from all sorts of backgrounds. I think its more cultural requirements rather than religious and though i understand that culture is important, it shouldnt act as a barrier when it comes to marriage.

In regards to money, Islam encourages people not to look for the financial prospects as their number 1 quality, yes its important but the most important aspect to look for is deen. Money will come and go, but the journey of marriage should always lead towards Allah (swt), and if you work hard and rely on Allah (swt) then inshaAllah you will be wealthy financially and spiritually. To reject you based on your financial situation (which is not a problem with you Alhamdulillah) shows that theyre looking for the wrong things.

A marriage is also void if the girl does not have the consent of her father, so you need to somehow try and approach them to see what you are like. I know its difficult but inshaAllah if it is right for you then it will happen. You should not elope with her as its going against the Islamic guidelines of marriage and will lead to sin as her parents will be displeased with their daughter.

InshaAllah it will all work out if it is good for the both of you.