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Nlayla31

Annoyed With Marriage Process, Wont Bother

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Salam Alaykum, now let me just take a moment to say this isn't a structured question but me venting and wanting to have an open and honest conversation about finding our spouses! Specifically in my culture (i am iraqi) and perhaps the process is similar in whatever your culture may be as well.

I have a few bones to pick so bear with me, i understand physical attraction is important but it gets too much priority. for example (and I've talked about this with my aunts looking for their sons) i ask if you were in the hussainiyah scouting girls, you're only going to be interested in the pretty girls and will lose out on other girls who may have a better personality, but just not the looks.

also the reasons for not picking a girl can be so juvenile, my mother and aunt were having a conversation the other day about potential girls, and their reasons for saying no were just stupid, such as "their family isn't like ours" or "they aren't from the capital so they aren't educated" without ever even talking to the girl herself, also on that note reputation is given SO MUCH EMPHASIS, of course its important but just because someone has made mistakes in their past but has learned from them and is a better person because of it, should they be damaged goods for ever?

Also what is so bad about mutah, i recently heard a very informative lecture given by Sayed Ammar and a non-sexual mutah can be very beneficial in finding our spouses by having the opportunity to get to know them better in a halal way, rather than having the rushed back-and forth emailing or meetings with family or what have you in which ( i feel personally) you don't get to know the person at all. but in my experience and chatting with others about this, one mention of the word mutah and the girl is damaged goods and unsuitable for marriage, her reputation is shot.

it makes me no want to involve my family in any way shape or form when it comes to choosing my husband, there's so much politics in it, what are your thoughts? again i apologize for my lack of articulation, just want to know other issues that people may have with the way we go about getting married

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(salam) sister,

I don't have anything to say , but I just felt the need to tell you that you are not alone and that myself I am Iraqi and my parents (or aunts) are exactly like yours. Unfortunately, in our culture , reputation comes before anything . It is almost impossible to get married because of the high unimaginable standards that they set. And at the end, they complain of High divorce rates (if married) . And if you're not married, the Hussaynia crew starts wondering why ..

May Allah guide everyone . Keep Strong and Inshallah Allah will help you .

Edited by -Enlightened

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Salaam,

Man, everyone here I see are complaining about that. Even I think always, why is it like this? South Asian is more crazy. The demands of the guy before marrying the girl are ginormous. Forget about mahr, dowry seems more important. A car/bike, fridge, washingmachine, new furniture, cash, expensive dress for him to wear on his wedding day (?!!?), shaving kit, and the list goes on and on...

Honestly speaking, I'm lovvvee seeing this :shaytan: . How people act clear STUPID. I gave up discussing this with my relatives.

I know a marriage that ended in divorce because the wife came to know that the husband is mentally unstable(AFTER THE MARRIAGE! :wacko: )

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A combination of factors play a role into a successful marriage. Families do not need to be identical but must understand and appreciate the difference. The boy and girl need to have commonalities and hopefully be attracted to each other. And then the two should understand that it is their marriage and not anyone else dominate the environment.

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Salam,

You can find someone on your own, you don't have to wait around for your family to do it for you.

Ultimately and finally, it is your decision and only your decision because you are the one who is going

to have to live with this man (Im assuming your a sister by your user name) for a long time.

When you do the aqd and kitab (marriage contract), the Sheik asks you, not your family.

It doesn't mean your family cannot make suggestions, but in the end, as per Islamic Aklaq and Adl,

they must respect whatever decision you make as long as you are marrying a man who is muslim,

rushd and baligh. (since your Iraqi, I'm assuming your familiar with those terms) and he is adl, meaning

he does the wajib and avoids the haram and has good aklaq and he can provide you with the nafakha (for zawajtul nikah)

The other stuff doesn't matter, is irrelevant.

If anyone in your family would like to debate any of these points I made above using teaching of Prophet(p.b.u.h) and Ahl Al Bayt(a.s),

I would be glad to oblige.

Edited by Abu Hadi

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Salam Alaykum, now let me just take a moment to say this isn't a structured question but me venting and wanting to have an open and honest conversation about finding our spouses! Specifically in my culture (i am iraqi) and perhaps the process is similar in whatever your culture may be as well.

I have a few bones to pick so bear with me, i understand physical attraction is important but it gets too much priority. for example (and I've talked about this with my aunts looking for their sons) i ask if you were in the hussainiyah scouting girls, you're only going to be interested in the pretty girls and will lose out on other girls who may have a better personality, but just not the looks.

also the reasons for not picking a girl can be so juvenile, my mother and aunt were having a conversation the other day about potential girls, and their reasons for saying no were just stupid, such as "their family isn't like ours" or "they aren't from the capital so they aren't educated" without ever even talking to the girl herself, also on that note reputation is given SO MUCH EMPHASIS, of course its important but just because someone has made mistakes in their past but has learned from them and is a better person because of it, should they be damaged goods for ever?

Also what is so bad about mutah, i recently heard a very informative lecture given by Sayed Ammar and a non-sexual mutah can be very beneficial in finding our spouses by having the opportunity to get to know them better in a halal way, rather than having the rushed back-and forth emailing or meetings with family or what have you in which ( i feel personally) you don't get to know the person at all. but in my experience and chatting with others about this, one mention of the word mutah and the girl is damaged goods and unsuitable for marriage, her reputation is shot.

it makes me no want to involve my family in any way shape or form when it comes to choosing my husband, there's so much politics in it, what are your thoughts? again i apologize for my lack of articulation, just want to know other issues that people may have with the way we go about getting married

Aleykoum salaam sister,

So you’re basically fed up with the Iraqi way of handling marriage? You're not the only one..

And not all guys want pretty girls but there needs to be some sort of attraction. I dont think a guy can marry a girl that he considers unattractive. It just doesnt work that way. And I think the reputation of a girl tells you a lot about who she is and how she is perceived by others. Btw reputation isnt just important when it comes to girls..

Non sexual mutah.. lol I dont think there is one Iraqi father that would allow such thing. Its a great idea though and it would actually allow people to get to know each other in a proper way but there are way too many cultural issues.

Edited by KareemKarbala

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People of my culture have this extremely dumb motto when it comes to marriage: 'It's not a wedding between a boy and a girl, it is a wedding between two hyper-extended families''

:wacko:

Edited by GreyMatter

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People of my culture have this extremely dumb motto when it comes to marriage: 'It's not a wedding between a boy and a girl, it is a wedding between two hyper-extended families''

:wacko:

Nice :P so let me guess..you're Indian/Paki?

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Salams sister, I am Iraqi too and I know what you mean. It makes absolutely no difference to me whats the mentality of the iraqi women when choosing spouses for their sons. I DO NOT want to be associated with a family that is so narrow minded and limited, as such I would thank god for them not choosing me. Your naseeb is awaiting you inshalla and its only Allah (swt) who has the decision making. WHy worry and think about it when you can leave the management of your affairs with Allah (swt).

Marriage is half your deen. We are not allowed to indulge in relationships. Allah (swt) created us and knows our desires, do you really think He will leave us suffering with no spouse? Do you doubt Allah (swt) completing half your deen for you.

No I dont agree with getting to do non-sexual mutah with someone before marriage. My experience tells me Trust in Allah (swt) to send you the best and go for it. Yeh i thought it was naive to get married before you FULLY know guy but I then learnt the hard way that its wrong. You can get hurt badly and its just a waste of time. Both parties will act like people they are not.... anyways its my experience not a fact...

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I am also an iraqi and i have experienced this with my own brother. He has a set of 'ideals' he wants in his future wife and my mother had to go based on that to find somebody suitable. Physical attraction is important, you have to remember that looks are quite subjective. People have different definitions of beauty. You might find someone attractive but that doesnt mean another person will agree with you.

Reputation is important because you have to keep in mind that this is what Most people go by to base their judgements of that person. You have to bear in mind that people dont know you, the way for them to see if you are suitable or not is by asking people who know you personally, or have known you longer. Akhlaq is something which is very desired in both males and females and the way to learn this is through asking other people about you. That is why as an iraqi your reputation is very important and no matter what you do in life you have to make sure you do not effect your reputation. This is what people will use to judge you.

I understand it might not be the greatest way to get married however how else are you supposed to find a suitable spouse without going down the haraam route of personally getting to know males/females and then deciding.

I personally didnt have a problem with it, guys came through my family. I had never known them before, i got a chance to sit down and talk to them. I was able to choose and make my own mind up about whether they were suitable for me or not. When my husband came to propose i had nothing against him that i could refuse him for, so i decided to let him have a chance. From there i got to know him, if i had found we were not suitable it would have been as simple as saying i dont think this is going to work out and it would have ended. But alhamdulilah it worked out well and i have now been 'happily' married for 3 years. (Its only natural to have ups and downs, you just have to put some effort in to make a marriage work.)

About the mutah bit well i personally dont agree. People view it as 'damaged goods' because most mutah relations are sexual in nature and as baised as it might seem men do not want someone who is not a virgin. Its as simple as that. I dont think i know a single male who would consider a non-virgin as a wife. As a women it really shouldnt be so hard to keep yourself a virgin until you are married.

Dont mean to offend anyone with my words this is just my personal experience and personal opinions.

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