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the.way.14

Marriage And Convincing My Father

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Salamu Alaykom ALL,

This is going to be long and detailed so thank you in advance for anyone who is patient enough to help me :)

I have been involved in a relationship with a man for a year and a half now and we have wanted to get married since the beginning. It is our intention and no we have not done anything haram but we have our reasons for not getting married.For all those of you who arent here to help but to say I am doing haram blablabla, too bad because I don’t control my circumstances they control me. The reason why we couldn’t get married from the beginning is because a) we don’t have the financial ability to do so, secondly, we are from different cultures, and finally c) my father is against me getting married or even getting engaged at this point in my life.

I am 19 years old and I am a mature girl. Now that he has found a career and we have the financial ability to get married I am really unsure how to approach my father about this. He is a great man from a good family has a good education etc. He is from a sayed family and I am not ( no problem with that just putting it out there) We are 100% sure about our decision and that is all we are planning for. Nobody understand me wrong, my father is an amazing man and he loves me very much obviously. He has never forced anything on me at all but unfortunately he is not perfect. He still looks at me like I am his little girl and although I know this is normal I really feel like it is extreme with my father. I have spoken to him about this man last year and he found excuses like I was too young to get engaged and that I have to focus on my studies. I have 2 years left of university and he knows that I don’t plan to get married before I am done, but I do want to be engaged. It is not logical for me to be talking to someone for 4 years and not even engaged. He is very logical man and he feels like talking to someone for 10 years and being sure of them is better than a hurried engagement that will lead to a failed marriage. He would never throw his daughters to the first man who comes their way. Alhamdulila my father is a practicing muslim and he is educated about religion and knows right from wrong. He is not as strict as the standard father, and therefore has no problem with me talking to a man for a long time without engagement taking place. I appreciate this freedom and trust he gives me, however I really feel like no matter how old I get he will never be able to accept that I can choose my own companion in life. He has always told me that I will chose the man I want to marry but I have never wanted to marry anyone who is from a different country or culture as me until now. He knows that the man I talk to is from a different culture, and he was against this. He believes that the cultural differences between us are just too much and that I won’t be happy with such a man. The problem is he never even offered to meet him. He completely denied my request saying that it is way too early to think of engagement. Alhamdulilah this man has brought me closer to god as he is a very educated man. . I am convinced from my heart and can see him to be a great husband and father of my children. I am really fearful of speaking to my father about this and I am afraid that he will not even want to meet him and deny this whole thing. I am really afraid that my father mistakes my sensitivity as immaturity as I am not used to my father denying me anything. No, I was not spoiled but again he is just really warm hearted and has never denied me anything. I have came to a point where I really think my father simply never wants me to get married. I cannot think of doing this against my father’s wishes as he really has been the best father on earth and I could never do that to him. I am determined and will have to keep fighting until he accepts this. What I need is advice on what to do from here, how to approach him, and what to do if he denies. Special duaas I can make that will reach Allah Swt, anything that will make this process easier on me without hurting anyone.

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Can you state how old the guy is and which cultures both of you come from? I think it would make it easier for us to give you advice. Also have you spoken to any other close relatives (mother, siblings etc) about this issue?

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Can you state how old the guy is and which cultures both of you come from? I think it would make it easier for us to give you advice. Also have you spoken to any other close relatives (mother, siblings etc) about this issue?

Salam,

He is 26. I am from Lebanon, he is from Iraq.My mother also knows about this but she is very close minded and thinks marrying your daughter to anyone who is not from your culture is a humiliation.

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sister I'm afraid to give you any advice because i know what could happen when your father finds out. I mean with us Iraqis they might end up killing their daughter no joke. All i can advice you is to stop talking to that guy and tell him that if he wants you he should contact your father. That's what a serious girl would do.

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sister I'm afraid to give you any advice because i know what could happen when your father finds out. I mean with us Iraqis they might end up killing their daughter no joke. All i can advice you is to stop talking to that guy and tell him that if he wants you he should contact your father. That's what a serious girl would do.

lol my father wont be killing anyone. I have the liberty to choose who i want to marry and my father knows my intentions. there is nothing for him to " find out" about. I wont quit talking to the person i have chosen. Every family is different and in my family it would be just weird if he showed up at my fathers door.

Maybe you could start by saying that you might be thinking of marrying a 50 year old black convert from Trinidad to be his third wife.

Then, if they survive the heart attack, you say something like "haha, just kidding.. nah, he's an Arab (Iraqi) and he's only 26." In comparison, the Iraqi/Lebanese cultural difference might seem trivial.

lol thats a good one. I just dont think that culture can get in the way when Allah swt created religion to keep people from being seperated by such things. When two people are joined by the religion of God isnt that enough to overcome any culture problems or differences ?

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Interesting, I am Iraqi but in our community we don't really have this notion of 'daughters dishonering their families by marrying different races' and such. In our Iraqi community, we have people married to (male) converts, Kuwaitis, Lebanese, Iranians (rare though), etc.

But when it comes to marrying pakistani, indian, bengali, afghani we are... less than pleased, to say the least. I think this is the mentality of all arabs towards those particular races though (and even toward Iranians to an extent)

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Maybe you could try going to a scholar, and asking him to talk to your parents, or ask your parents to refer the issue to a scholar. As long as the scholars is honest, he should tell your parents that their attitudes are unislamic.

O mankind! We have created you from a male and female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another. Verily, the most honorable of you with Allah is that (believer) who has piety. [Qur'an 49:13, Shakir translation]

Edited by Haydar Husayn

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Maybe you could start by saying that you might be thinking of marrying a 50 year old black convert from Trinidad to be his third wife.

If a Wahabi is spying, he will very soon post the "Zanj-Hadith".

@ OP

You said: "my father is an amazing man and he loves me very much"

Then don't worry, things will get together eventually. Just have patience, be honest and stay honest with your dad. It will reward insha'Allah

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Maybe you could try going to a scholar, and asking him to talk to your parents, or ask your parents to refer the issue to a scholar. As long as the scholars is honest, he should tell your parents that their attitudes are unislamic.

O mankind! We have created you from a male and female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another. Verily, the most honorable of you with Allah is that (believer) who has piety. [Qur'an 49:13, Shakir translation]

I think I will have to do that but I am hoping things dont go that far

Interesting, I am Iraqi but in our community we don't really have this notion of 'daughters dishonering their families by marrying different races' and such. In our Iraqi community, we have people married to (male) converts, Kuwaitis, Lebanese, Iranians (rare though), etc.

But when it comes to marrying pakistani, indian, bengali, afghani we are... less than pleased, to say the least. I think this is the mentality of all arabs towards those particular races though (and even toward Iranians to an extent)

Unfortunately I know many other parents who think this way

If a Wahabi is spying, he will very soon post the "Zanj-Hadith".

@ OP

You said: "my father is an amazing man and he loves me very much"

Then don't worry, things will get together eventually. Just have patience, be honest and stay honest with your dad. It will reward insha'Allah

Inshallah I am hoping so :)

Yeah we don't let our daughters marry those dark Pakistani's either. They smell and are all fake syeds. Iraqis and Lebanese are perfect for each other :)

Marriage preference list for the Al Falooda tribe (most desirable to most despicable):

1) Al Falouda tribe

2) Iraqis

3) Lebanese

4) Bahraini

5) White people

6) Sunnis

7) Indians

8) Bengalis

9) Jews

10) Wahabis

11) Black people

12) Suicide

13) Pakistanis

Im sure Mayf323d didnt mean to be offensive. More like stating things how they are which is unfortunate

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Interesting, I am Iraqi but in our community we don't really have this notion of 'daughters dishonering their families by marrying different races' and such. In our Iraqi community, we have people married to (male) converts, Kuwaitis, Lebanese, Iranians (rare though), etc.

But when it comes to marrying pakistani, indian, bengali, afghani we are... less than pleased, to say the least. I think this is the mentality of all arabs towards those particular races though (and even toward Iranians to an extent)

:cry:

Heart has been irreparably damaged. Can't...... go ....on.

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There isn't much of a difference between the Lebanese and Iraqi cultures. The biggest discrepancy I'd say, from personal experience, is that I find Iraqis to be a bit more conservative then Lebs, but again that's just my personal observation. And by conservative I mean if an Iraqi dad found out his daughter was talking to a boy, let's just say she wouldn't get the fairy tale ending she always hoped for.

Look you've done your part, it's up to the guy to approach your parents. I your father knows bout him then give the guy your fathers number and let him speak to him himself. Who knows maybe your father will actually like him.

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Interesting, I am Iraqi but in our community we don't really have this notion of 'daughters dishonering their families by marrying different races' and such. In our Iraqi community, we have people married to (male) converts, Kuwaitis, Lebanese, Iranians (rare though), etc.

But when it comes to marrying pakistani, indian, bengali, afghani we are... less than pleased, to say the least. I think this is the mentality of all arabs towards those particular races though (and even toward Iranians to an extent)

Lol this is nonsense. Arabs dont particularly dislike Pakistanis and Indians when it comes to marriage. I'm a karbalai myself so you won't find more conservative than me. I think as long as someone is a mo'min and has good akhlaaq then where is the problem?And if there are Iraqis out there that won't allow their daughters to marry with men from other cultures then they should just look at our rolemodels. The ma'someen often had wifes from north Africa and other places. I'm sure they were trying to tell us something.

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I am from Lebanon, he is from Iraq.My mother also knows about this but she is very close minded and thinks marrying your daughter to anyone who is not from your culture is a humiliation.

So much for the cultural differences. Iraqis and Lebanese. They are all eye-rabs. Can't see what's the problem except for falling for fake boundaries chalked by Western colonialists.

I think if you had ever suggested the guy was say, Afghan, you'd have given your parents a heart attack.

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Maybe you could try going to a scholar, and asking him to talk to your parents, or ask your parents to refer the issue to a scholar. As long as the scholars is honest, he should tell your parents that their attitudes are unislamic.

O mankind! We have created you from a male and female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another. Verily, the most honorable of you with Allah is that (believer) who has piety. [Qur'an 49:13, Shakir translation]

Praise be to God almighty. Culture has taken over Islam tbh. There is nothing wrong with culture, it just seems to slowly mould itself into 'islam', and people claim it is 'islamic'.

I would go out of my way to marry out of my race and culture. I know that isn't correct either, but i want to subvert this paradigm and normality.

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Salamu Alaykom ALL,

Alekum Salam,

This is going to be long and detailed so thank you in advance for anyone who is patient enough to help me :)

I have been involved in a relationship with a man for a year and a half now and we have wanted to get married since the beginning. It is our intention and no we have not done anything haram but we have our reasons for not getting married. For all those of you who arent here to help but to say I am doing haram blablabla, too bad because I don’t control my circumstances they control me.

IMO, you dont' have to explain all this. You know that it is haram to have a 'relationship' in the Western sense with a man before marriage and you are trying to do the right thing. That is the important part. Allah(s.w.a) is Al Ghafoor, Al Rahim

The reason why we couldn’t get married from the beginning is because a) we don’t have the financial ability to do so, secondly, we are from different cultures, and finally c) my father is against me getting married or even getting engaged at this point in my life.

I am 19 years old and I am a mature girl. Now that he has found a career and we have the financial ability to get married I am really unsure how to approach my father about this.....

If your father is a good man, and educated as you say, then he should have no problem following advice of Our Prophet(p.b.u.h), Imams(a.s).

There is not one single hadith that I have seen that says it is wajib, or even mustahab to wait till you finish your education to get married. This common opinion has no basis in the teachings of Our Prophet(p.b.u.h) and Ahl Al Bayt. Our religion encourages us to get married, and to get married early AND to study and get an education and does not teach that there is any conflict between the two. Both these points are rock solid in authentic hadith and I am absolutely certain that I could win a debate with anyone, including your father if he wishes to discuss it, about this idea.

The only conflict lies in community based expectations and suppositions about how life is 'supposed' to be in the West, or even in muslim countries. Most parents will resist or not allow their children to marry young, or before they complete their university degree BECAUSE

A) They have no faith that Allah(s.w.a) will provide for their child thru spouse even though Allah(s.w.a) promised that he will do this in Quran. They are under the mistaken idea that it is them or a husband that gives the rizk (sustenance) to the family.

B )They are afraid of what people will say when they have to go against this baseless idea that has gained popularity in the community

C) They have only dunya based expectations for their children and are not concerned about their Iman.

D) They are ignorant of the true teachings of Prophet(p.b.u.h) and Ahl Al Bayt(a.s) on this subject and are under the mistaken assumption that because an idea has gained currency in a muslim community that it must be correct, Islamically.

I hope I don't offend you by saying this but all of these are lesser forms of Kufr (disbelief) and Shirk(polytheism) and a mumin/a would not tolerate himself/herself to have these opinions, regardless of whether their daughter decides to get married or not. If you want to know what will please Allah(s.w.a), study Quran and authentic hadith and follow a marjaa' and don't look at what the community does (for guidance).

If he likes I would be happy to give him many examples of muslim couples who married early, while they were still in university, and are doing well both financially and strong in their Iman. My wife and I are one of these couples. We are not rich, but we never lacked in any of our needs for us or our children because we decided to marry early, Alhamduillah. Oh, and I am an American Revert and my wife is Lebanese (born and raised in Lebanon, not in Dearborn, lol). So our backgrounds are very different and our marriage is still going fine after more than 10 years, Alhamduillah.

Your main concern should be whether this guy has good Iman and Aklaq. If he does, then, on the advice of the Prophet(p.b.u.h)

you should marry him and let Allah(s.w.a) handle the other stuff for you. Salam.

Edited by Abu Hadi

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Lol this is nonsense. Arabs dont particularly dislike Pakistanis and Indians when it comes to marriage. I'm a karbalai myself so you won't find more conservative than me. I think as long as someone is a mo'min and has good akhlaaq then where is the problem?And if there are Iraqis out there that won't allow their daughters to marry with men from other cultures then they should just look at our rolemodels. The ma'someen often had wifes from north Africa and other places. I'm sure they were trying to tell us something.

Good for you, but where I live this is the mentality. I don't make the rules.

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I think if you had ever suggested the guy was say, Afghan, you'd have given your parents a heart attack.

---and the ones who --despite having European background---- are paired up with Afghans are what--?--dunderheads--?--I suppose so--- :donno:

----by the way--they are not bad --honestly---they just need to keep their chauvnistic streak a bit subtle---

Edited by ילדת מלך

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Yeah we don't let our daughters marry those dark Pakistani's either. They smell and are all fake syeds. Iraqis and Lebanese are perfect for each other :)

Marriage preference list for the Al Falooda tribe (most desirable to most despicable):

1) Al Falouda tribe

2) Iraqis

3) Lebanese

4) Bahraini

5) White people

6) Sunnis

7) Indians

8) Bengalis

9) Jews

10) Wahabis

11) Black people

12) Suicide

13) Pakistanis

best post of the 2013 so far

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