Dealing With High Stress (work, Family Etc.)?

[KS786]

(salam) Dear brothers and Sisters,

I have a very good friend who is in need of some guidance and assistance.

I have known her since before we both got married and she was a very sweet, sensible, humble, loving girl. She loved to be with family, loved her distant family, was in touch with cousins etc. and was generally known to be a very caring person. She would go out of her way to care for others. That is how i met her! She was helping me out of her way for some research project I had for school.

Her family is very loving as well, however everyone minds their own business and there is no concept of gossipping. They love each other, show concern, but do not interfere unnecessarily in each others matters. Parents are always guiding the children etc., but they generally would discuss things and resolve issues. I have never seen any attitude issues within her family ever! Never heard anything from her to suggest any issues either! She used to enjoy religous studies and learning.

The reason for my post is that I spoke to her after a long time now. We both are married now and I am very upset/sad to see her state of mind!

She is my friend, therefore I am biased towards her ofcourse, but I need some advise on how to help her emotionally get stronger?

Per our conversation, here is her problem:

(there is a long list of details behind all this that would take up forever to type here, but I can pinpoint if I get responses or questions)

• She has lost concentration in her Salaat/religious studies etc. completely and cannot get it back. I want to know duas etc. or acts that might help her!
  
• Her in laws are not too affectionate when it comes to displaying love for a new person in the family or welcome a person. Even her husband shows a level of selfishness at times and it had changed her personality in return. She has started to keep upset all the time. That happiness and charm of a caring person is gone now and all I see is someone who is very upset and living a day to day life! She does not seem to care at all about things anymore!!
  
• She was diagnosed with mild depression upon childbirth, however her husband disregarded that as a drama and never paid attention.
  
• Her mother in law has been very stubborn with her and tells her on her face that she is not comfortable with her even after 3 years of marriage now.
  
• She is facing difficult living situations at home with her mother in law interfering in everything and totally igorning her existence in the house when it comes to important things/news about family. She and her husband are usually never informed if there is a death in the family etc.
  
• She has noticed a reputation of her in laws at the mosque to be the "nosey" kind of family that gossips. They have blamed her several times for spreading rumors about their family etc. as well.
  
• She did mention that her husband was always it seems a neglected child since he lost his father at a very early age and was the youngest one in the family. Her husband has never expressed any of this to her directly.
  

I wish to help her obtain some materials to maybe comfort/sooth her mind and get her to relax mentally.

Her stress levels are affecting her personal life as well as her physical strength. She has started to look very sad and upset all the time now.

Her husband is constantly trying to please his mother and in turn (maybe unintentionally) does not realize that he insults his wife just so his mother is happy!

At this very point, her sole mode of survival is her daughter. She has been fighting her depression by showing love, care and affection to her child and teaching her the basic manners etc. She does work full time and is raising a child as well. She is also a major contributor to the finances around the house, therefore leaving her job is not an option.

Can any of you suggest some mind clearing techniques through religous knowledge and some duas/amaals that might help her please?

She does try to recite ayat-ul-kursi, 4 quls, ayat-e- Kareema etc. on a daily basis, but needs some more info.

Especially to gain concentration before anything else. She feels she is not satisfied with her salaat either and she sees a difference now.

Any advice would be appreciated.

JazakAllah.

KS

[Love-Of-Islam]

is her inlaws brown ppl

[DoubleAgent4]

Did you mention that she's still living with her in-laws? I would recommend that she and her husband move to their own place. Also a man who cannot satisfy both his mother and his wife is not a very clever man. Unfortunately I have heard many stories of such cases which is truly saddening. You know my mum always say that a woman is like a flower and if you don't treat her right then she will wither away.

Maybe doing some yoga or some form of exercise may help keep her mind relaxed. As for prayers all I can say is that she should establish a relationship with our Awaited Imam. We all go through stages in our life where we may not feel spiritually close to God so she should just carry on doing her wajibaat and never give up. A Ziyara trip might give her a spiritual boost...

Edited October 29, 2012 by Hawraa29

[Guest Inaya]

is her inlaws brown ppl

:mellow:

[Chaotic Muslem]

new house !

or a separate exist from the inlaws house , she should feel independent

and she need to create her own social network that has nothing to do with her in laws

she need to try another mosque if need be

healthy human relationships can calm her mind

[DoubleAgent4]

:mellow:

I think he meant are they Pakistani, as they tend to stay with their in-laws...

Edited October 29, 2012 by Hawraa29

[Guest Inaya]

I think he meant are they Pakistani, as they tend to stay with their in-laws...

oohh I see thanks! What a way to refer to them..

Edited October 29, 2012 by Inaya

[GreyMatter]

She seems to be following the graceful culture; good for her.

[KS786]

Yes her family is Pakistani.

She used to stress relief by going and working out at the gym. Sadly with work schedules and a little one, she has not been able to do that lately either.

Yes exercise should really help her since she feels very tired all the time as well.

She did move just recently, however her mother in law is still with her. She does not want to ask her to move out because of two reasons.

1. She feels her husband never got the affection from his father as a child, so he seeks his mothers attention (though she feels his mother does not appreciate him at all)

2. She feels that out of respect as a mother, she cannot possibly think of leaving her mother in law on her own. Sadly her other son she adores has conveniently moved into a small apartment and stated that

he cannot afford a big enough place. Despite that mother in law is not appreciative at all of her and her husband that they (though newly married compared to the other son) have literally volunteered to

keep her. She I think is right to think if she could not do it to her own mother, she def cannot do it to her mother in law. Shows she still does respect her alot!

She did try to create her own circle of friends and do things her way. To that she was once labelled as "Anti social" by her husband. More people know her and ask her about her living situation than her inlaws (this shows me that the community knows her inlaws too well honestly!) Mother in law has a problem with who she talks to and who she does not. She tells her stuff like "that group is not our group. we do not hang out with them" and she feels sad because she dislikes these kind of statements. So in turn, she has reduced her going to the mosque now, and now she is looked down as a person who is too busy for religion!

All this is discouraging her more and more and she literally dislikes going places and doing things her inlaws tell her!

She is going into retaliation mode sadly is how i see it! To a point where small things around the house have started to bother her now...

I just hope she does not go insane with this kinda childish stuff... i feel for her..

[Inquisitor]

Has she spoken with her husband about her state of mind? She must discuss these things and make it clear how it is affecting her and could affect the upbringing of their daughter. If you ask her to somehow discuss things around the daughter's welfare, the husband will probably see the point she's making.

She must also not stop going to the masjid and speaking to the good people out there just because her MIL says so. It's time that she starts speaking out and retort to convey her message than sit and suffer. A brick for a brick I'd say (I know it's not akhlaqi) but it seems that is the only option to put such MILs in place.

[Love-Of-Islam]

Yes her family is Pakistani.

She used to stress relief by going and working out at the gym. Sadly with work schedules and a little one, she has not been able to do that lately either.

Yes exercise should really help her since she feels very tired all the time as well.

She did move just recently, however her mother in law is still with her. She does not want to ask her to move out because of two reasons.

1. She feels her husband never got the affection from his father as a child, so he seeks his mothers attention (though she feels his mother does not appreciate him at all)

2. She feels that out of respect as a mother, she cannot possibly think of leaving her mother in law on her own. Sadly her other son she adores has conveniently moved into a small apartment and stated that

he cannot afford a big enough place. Despite that mother in law is not appreciative at all of her and her husband that they (though newly married compared to the other son) have literally volunteered to

keep her. She I think is right to think if she could not do it to her own mother, she def cannot do it to her mother in law. Shows she still does respect her alot!

She did try to create her own circle of friends and do things her way. To that she was once labelled as "Anti social" by her husband. More people know her and ask her about her living situation than her inlaws (this shows me that the community knows her inlaws too well honestly!) Mother in law has a problem with who she talks to and who she does not. She tells her stuff like "that group is not our group. we do not hang out with them" and she feels sad because she dislikes these kind of statements. So in turn, she has reduced her going to the mosque now, and now she is looked down as a person who is too busy for religion!

All this is discouraging her more and more and she literally dislikes going places and doing things her inlaws tell her!

She is going into retaliation mode sadly is how i see it! To a point where small things around the house have started to bother her now...

I just hope she does not go insane with this kinda childish stuff... i feel for her..

thats the only problem :)

[AnaAmmar1]

thats the only problem :)

Not sure if racist or indian or stupid.

[JHK]

Inshallah Exhaustion makes sleep sweeter.

Inshallah Deppression comes when satan makes us forget.

Inshallah Dissatisfaction is the antichrist of Satisfaction. Say 'Alhamdolelah', and It Is.

Fatimah, Al-Mother of Islam, explained, the reason she was never tired was because she really did believe that her treasure was pearls that extended from Earth to Heaven. Someone with no Tawhid, would never ever believe this is possible for themselves, however One Pearl, Inshallah, will always lead to the next. Inshallah, The Mother of Pearls, is the Mother of Tasbi, Alhamdolelah, and the Pink Diamond Inshallah.

Inshallah, there is nothing better than a smile in your heart even though your current reality is in shambles. Some people say Allahu Akbar, but some people truly mean it.

Inshallah Stress is a Test from Allah, however, Allah is Merciful and Compassionate and will never do anything that He thinks would be unbearable. Allah is Most Wise.

[The Exalted One]

Humor. What a weapon to tear stress apart. Humor, guys. Humor. Just don't over-do it. Along with humor, hobby. Like, when alone, carry a portable device and listen to Noha, Naat, Halal music, just something that'll keep your mind off from stress-inducers. Video games is another perfect escape. Buy a PSP [lol].

I can assure you, this advice is coming from a man who is suffering from PTSD and lives in near total-seclusion.

[AllAmericanShia]

I recommend taking the responsibility of talking to her, you have to make her realize that she is an amazing person from within and that all her struggles are for her daughter. Make her realize why she shouldnt be depressed about her inlaws and instead laugh at their immaturity. help her see what this world is truely about and talk about tools to fight boredom/depression/anger. If she is depressed AND neglected, there is no islam left in this family, i suggest speaking to a sheikh and considering moving out on her own. Women deserve to be taken care of, she cant live like this forever, and she deserves to be happy. I wish i had a penny for every family who is mistreating new wives, id be rich.