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In the Name of God بسم الله

How Long To Get To Know A Potential

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  • Advanced Member

Salams firstly sorry if this has been asked before, but I'd like to know how long it took people when searching for a spouse before they decided. Half the people I know seemed to decide after a few meetings and phone calls, in a reserved way, and the others sort of dated and talked a lot , I understand the Islamic limitations , but practically I'm struggling to feel like I know someone well enough to commit in the usual orthodox methods , so I'd like to know some of your experiences if you could share them, and methods of actually getting to know a potential

Thanks

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  • Advanced Member

Wa alaikum salam. :) Before I had met my husband, I had met a few potential guys through friends. We would meet at a friends house (my family didn't live in the same state as me so that is why we didn't meet at a families house). Every time I prayed the prayer of guidance, if he was good for me Allah would make it easy and if wasn't good for me Allah would make it hard. Every time something came up and difficulty arose, then I met my husband. When I first saw him it was different than the others, something was special about him. I made ishtakarta (sp?) and Allah made it very easy for us to marry. I won't go into how easy it was, as it is a long story with lots of details. We have been married for 1 1/2 years and are very compatible! Alhamdulilah for the guidance of Allah. :)

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  • Advanced Member

Thanks for sharing , so basically you had a hunch from the start , and then everything flowed , how many meetings did it take you if you don't mind?

Btw what is 'sp'

Ah happy to hear a positive story like yours!

Sometimes things feel smooth and everything is fine but there is no spark to push the rest forward , so at times just waiting for that , but it seems you knew when you first met your husband !

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  • Advanced Member

Thanks for sharing , so basically you had a hunch from the start , and then everything flowed , how many meetings did it take you if you don't mind?

Btw what is 'sp'

Ah happy to hear a positive story like yours!

Sometimes things feel smooth and everything is fine but there is no spark to push the rest forward , so at times just waiting for that , but it seems you knew when you first met your husband !

(sp?) Means I wasn't for sure if I had spelled it correctly. :rolleyes:

Well, we knew each other for 5 days before marrying, we wanted to wait a little longer but as I said, there is heaps more to the story, and it would just be too lengthy (involving a sister and I think if I shared it, it may be considered as gossip since she did a terrible thing to me which in return answered my dua).

Sometimes you have to make the spark. ;) No I am kidding, I am not sure what you mean exactly by the "spark" maybe you can explain to me a bit more?

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  • Advanced Member

first u gota connect, if there's connection, then keep talking/meeting the guy (not every day of course!) for like 3 months to know him and his family better..

This advice is based on Steve Harvey, and few others,, besides, u can't really know a person in less than 3 months, and sometimes it takes YEARS to know a person really well,,

methods: if there's a potential u could do activities together; volunteering, open ended questions, go to cultural events, gallery openings, Islamic program, charity event, book signing, go to a short day class together,, just going to restaurants and movies is a bit pointless esp movies! coz u don't really talk :o

tip: if a guy wants to be with you, he will show it, but if he ignores u for days then come back after being "BUSY" then he's not that into u coz when a guy is interested but truly busy, he will make the effort to let u know, if he just disappears then wash ur hands off him sis

good luck xx

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Take however long you need. Just don't rush it or feel pressured. However, just be aware that if you two have drastically different timelines, it may not work out. Ex. if you need six months and he needs only a month, he may not wait, but you definitely shouldn't feel pressured to make a decision sooner than you are ready.

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I don't believe you can know someone well enough to be very sure that you are marrying the right person. You can spend years with someone and still finds things that surprises you or make you mad/angry.

Sometimes, you just have to take a chance on someone if your mind say he is the right for you.

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  • Advanced Member

Sometimes you have to make the spark. ;) No I am kidding, I am not sure what you mean exactly by the "spark" maybe you can explain to me a bit more?

Haha I would if I could honest! well spark to me is that feeling of being intrigued and engaged by someone , and very much looking forward to seeing them again, as opposed to feeling slightly indifferent, my friends say a spark can come later but that sounds risky and my married friends seem to say if a few boxes are ticked (usually being religious and can look after you financially ) then ta da that's mr right , however I can't convince myself , so I'm starting to wonder if spending longer to get to know a potentially good guy who you have no spark with can after getting to know them for x amount of time can change things , and I suppose whether I should feel guilty if this thinking is out of the fold of Islamic etiquette.

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well spark to me is that feeling of being intrigued and engaged by someone , and very much looking forward to seeing them again, as opposed to feeling slightly indifferent, my friends say a spark can come later but that sounds risky and my married friends seem to say if a few boxes are ticked (usually being religious and can look after you financially ) then ta da that's mr right , however I can't convince myself , so I'm starting to wonder if spending longer to get to know a potentially good guy who you have no spark with can after getting to know them for x amount of time can change things , and I suppose whether I should feel guilty if this thinking is out of the fold of Islamic etiquette.

I would say it depends on the individual themselves. I've seen a lot of people saying that they've seen or noticed some “sparks” in their yet to-be (potential) spouses.

I wouldn't emphasize too much on sparks. If you did experience it then good for you, if not then try looking beneath the exterior and see if you like what you are seeing.

Edited by Gypsy
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  • Advanced Member

I would say it depends on the individual themselves. I've seen a lot of people saying that they've seen or noticed some “sparks” in their yet to-be (potential) spouses.

I wouldn't emphasize too much on sparks. If you did experience it then good for you, if not then try looking beneath the exterior and see if you like what you are seeing.

Ok so focus on the fundamental qualities of a person rather than how they make you feel

Thanks

first u gota connect, if there's connection, then keep talking/meeting the guy (not every day of course!) for like 3 months to know him and his family better..

This advice is based on Steve Harvey, and few others,, besides, u can't really know a person in less than 3 months, and sometimes it takes YEARS to know a person really well,,

methods: if there's a potential u could do activities together; volunteering, open ended questions, go to cultural events, gallery openings, Islamic program, charity event, book signing, go to a short day class together,, just going to restaurants and movies is a bit pointless esp movies! coz u don't really talk :o

tip: if a guy wants to be with you, he will show it, but if he ignores u for days then come back after being "BUSY" then he's not that into u coz when a guy is interested but truly busy, he will make the effort to let u know, if he just disappears then wash ur hands off him sis

good luck xx

Ahh Thanks :) and for the advice, would be nice to be able to do some of those activities, although a lot of guys would be mortified to do within my community lol usually it's coffee at most when things get more serious dinner basically advancement of relationship seems to correlate directly to meal size, so if you go to dinner with someone you better be ready to say I do lol

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  • Advanced Member

Haha I would if I could honest! well spark to me is that feeling of being intrigued and engaged by someone , and very much looking forward to seeing them again, as opposed to feeling slightly indifferent, my friends say a spark can come later but that sounds risky and my married friends seem to say if a few boxes are ticked (usually being religious and can look after you financially ) then ta da that's mr right , however I can't convince myself , so I'm starting to wonder if spending longer to get to know a potentially good guy who you have no spark with can after getting to know them for x amount of time can change things , and I suppose whether I should feel guilty if this thinking is out of the fold of Islamic etiquette.

This is just my experience, but as I said before, when my husband and I first met we clicked or maybe as you would say it "made sparks" hehe. I can only give you advice on what I have experienced, I wish I knew more about if a spark came later or not. I honestly can not say.

I also agree with what Gypsy said. If they do not have good qualities and yet there are "sparks" then they are the wrong kind of sparks (lust)! My husband was very honest with me, respectful, kind, and I could go on and on! Even after marriage not a thing about him has changed he still has the kind and gentle heart he had when we first married. :)

Edited by UmmAhmad
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  • Advanced Member

Ahh Thanks :) and for the advice, would be nice to be able to do some of those activities, although a lot of guys would be mortified to do within my community lol usually it's coffee at most when things get more serious dinner basically advancement of relationship seems to correlate directly to meal size, so if you go to dinner with someone you better be ready to say I do lol

LOOL! love this might use it on twitter :P

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Advanced Member
would be nice to be able to do some of those activities, although a lot of guys would be mortified to do

y not give it a go to see what the guy says? if you dont try then what do u gain?

tbh dont know if its worth it ... is there aint no attractions in the first place. what else do u expect a man to say!

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