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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Myo

Would You Adopt/foster A Boy?

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Salamualaikum Sisters.

I have a concern. I have the intention of taking care of children when I am married. However, if I take care of a male, my future wife would have to observe hijab if/when the child reaches adulthood.

So I wanted to ask you hijabi sisters your honest opinions on this. I will start off with:

1) What would your reaction/answer be if your husband wanted to take care of a kid that is not of your own?

2) If yes, would you only take care of females to avoid the hassle for yourselves (And put the burden on the girl if she chose to wear hijab)?

3) or, Would you not care what the sex of the child is and if it is a boy, suffer through wearing hijab in your own home whenever you leave your room?

Remember, I want your honest opinions, that is what is nice about the internet, you can be yourself! :)

Thanks again~ I really need a woman's perspective on these issues.

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(wasalam)

You could have one child of your own first, then have your wife breast feed the boy you adopt, then at least she wouldn't have to observe hijab around him.

But despite the amount of people who would say masha Allah at someone adopting, I doubt many people would want to do themselves, I have seen and heard example of this kind of thing, it isn't well received by the family or community in general.

Edited by Ali_Hussain

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Salam, this is a huge issue that I am considering to look into further at some point. I will probably wait until I have at least one of my own biological children. I think you would be better off if you had a larger home, with some private areas for any ladies in the family who need to have a space to not have to wear hijab. It would be a similar set up to a joint family(living with in laws etc) so it isn't that weird for many women. If you foster, you could accept foster children that are not baligh yet and only foster them for a short while, there are many muslim children whoes parents are in hospital ect and need a foster carer who is muslim. There is a huge shortage of muslim foster carers and they are greatly needed, so ever since I found this out, I have considered doing this myself inshallah one day when I am living in a suitable accomodation. I commend you for even considering it, may Allah(swt) reward you for such generous and compassionate thoughts inshallah. Any woman that you meet to discuss getting married, ask her about this issue, many may not like it and refuse, but at least you will work out who are the most loving and best women who wish to behave like Khadija (as) and be a mother to the orphans inshallah! Salams and duas and all the best inshallah!

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Salamualaikum Sisters.

I have a concern. I have the intention of taking care of children when I am married. However, if I take care of a male, my future wife would have to observe hijab if/when the child reaches adulthood.

So I wanted to ask you hijabi sisters your honest opinions on this. I will start off with:

1) What would your reaction/answer be if your husband wanted to take care of a kid that is not of your own?

2) If yes, would you only take care of females to avoid the hassle for yourselves (And put the burden on the girl if she chose to wear hijab)?

3) or, Would you not care what the sex of the child is and if it is a boy, suffer through wearing hijab in your own home whenever you leave your room?

Remember, I want your honest opinions, that is what is nice about the internet, you can be yourself! :)

Thanks again~ I really need a woman's perspective on these issues.

I think it's great to foster (adoption is haram coz of the name change and etc) & there r so many kids these days who need a home, so it's a good initiative & to be honest the rules should be reviewed by our Ulma coz it's an important matter esp for the couples who can't have children of their own.

The only thing I could think of to make the matter easier is breast feeding the child to make him ur own if he was young enough, but that means u have to have another kid at the same time & 2 young kids is a nightmare esp if they both wake up at 4 am- just an hr after u slept. & they say if the women uses hormones to breast feed the rule of breast feeding won't apply, but maybe u could take another look at these kind of rules? and about the hijab issue, personally I would want my child (even my foster child) to observe hijab, but it will be so hard for a 9yr old to wear it around the house etc, so not really sure.

I know a lot of couples these days who are suffering without children coz it is an emotional need. Everyone (well most people I know) would want a child be it a man or a woman, but infertility is increasing. There should be special rulings. Maybe it's worth a shot approaching one of the marjea (or someone reliable from his office) and discus the matter

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I love the idea of a foster kid. And if I could I would adopt a kid right now. A boy or a girl. You can work around these things. I don't think that hijab of your wife is a huge thing. She can observe it outside her room. I come from a society where hijab is practiced in some form outside a lady's room within the house. So no issues.

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1) I would love it if my husband wanted to adopt since I have no plans of having my own biological kids

2) A girl or boy would make no difference to me, and I may not observe hijab in front of the boy. And yes I do know it's technically 'haram'.

Myo - If the hijab of your wife is an issue for either of you, there really is a simple solution. And remember if you adopt a girl, she would not be mahram to you either. But all you gotta do is have a child of your own first. Then adopt. Once they have matured, they can do a short mutah marriage - literally for a few mins. After it's 'over' both you and your wife will be mahram to your adopted child (whether male of female) since the in laws are always mahram even after mutah is over and divorce. However as siblings they won't be mahram to each other..so it is a tricky situation.

And good on you for thinking of adoption, not many guys are capable of unconditionally loving a child not biologically their own.

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(salam)

I know someone who recently adopted a baby, and my understanding from her was that her marja said it was ok and considered mahram to the parents if the child was adopted by a certain age as an infant. I do not know if she changed the child's name or not. Inshallah when I see her again I will try to remember to ask her for more information.

(wasalam)

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thank you for the lovely replies but I am more inclined to take care of the older children since babies and young children are easily taken care of (Compared to older kids unfortunately rarely ever find a family).

thank you Maryam, I totally forgot that their are joint families living under one roof (to used to the luxury life here alhamdulilah). And yes your idea of a bigger house and an area for women seems to be the best idea. Unfortunately it is just a hassle to deal with for the females..

Oh! Koko i never thought of Mutah idea before. That is quite clever ;) !

So I guess i am also getting the vibe I should have my own biological children first. I just get the urge that once I am stable inshallah, I just want to help them a.s.a.p but I guess their are other methods to help too!

Salam~

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Asalaam alaikum.

I personally think that if you're looking into adoption OR fostering children, that fostering older children until they're able to go off to college or find a home (Inshaallah) would be the best. As stated above, if you adopted a small boy your wife would be able to breastfeed and avoid wearing hijab in front of him etc but, I find it more ethical to help numerous children. I would foster older children and wear my hijab. If my daughter decides to observe hijab, I would make it clear as to why she needed to observe it in front of any young men that were in our home for a period of time. Helping others that truly need it is something that not everyone is willing to do. If you wife looks at wearing her hijab as a "burden" while giving a child/teen a home...that probably isn't the best decision for you two.

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Ever since I saw this four year old, adopted Chinese girl at the school where my brother taught, I've been thinking about adoption for the future. MashAllah, this girl is so bright and already has high standards set for herself, that I just fell in love with the idea of adopting. However, the process is difficult: so many restrictions, a waiting list, and expensive. I'd rather adopt than give birth to a child, because I don't want my genetic makeup to effect my child. I don't want my child to inherit traits from a side of my family that I don't like. I'd rather just adopt a child, do a DNA test, see their parents history and go on from there. Also I'd rather adopt from China, because at least my child will be great in math. The down side is that I heard stories about the adopted child killing their new family LOL. A bit scary, but I'd rather risk it, because I don't want to go through the pains of child birth, and conceive a child that is going to be a constant reminder of past generations.

As for the child being a boy or girl, I don't care. In the past, I've always favored boys against girls, but I think after seeing this Chinese girl my mind has changed. So yes if my husband in the future wants to adopt, I'd be happy with that.

P.S....I just re-read the question...observing hijab for my entire life if I adopted a boy.........then yeah I'd rather adopt a girl. LOL

Edited by DingleBerry

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Ever since I saw this four year old, adopted Chinese girl at the school where my brother taught, I've been thinking about adoption for the future. MashAllah, this girl is so bright and already has high standards set for herself, that I just fell in love with the idea of adopting. However, the process is difficult: so many restrictions, a waiting list, and expensive. I'd rather adopt than give birth to a child, because I don't want my genetic makeup to effect my child. I don't want my child to inherit traits from a side of my family that I don't like. I'd rather just adopt a child, do a DNA test, see their parents history and go on from there. Also I'd rather adopt from China, because at least my child will be great in math. The down side is that I heard stories about the adopted child killing their new family LOL. A bit scary, but I'd rather risk it, because I don't want to go through the pains of child birth, and conceive a child that is going to be a constant reminder of past generations.

As for the child being a boy or girl, I don't care. In the past, I've always favored boys against girls, but I think after seeing this Chinese girl my mind has changed. So yes if my husband in the future wants to adopt, I'd be happy with that.

P.S....I just re-read the question...observing hijab for my entire life if I adopted a boy.........then yeah I'd rather adopt a girl. LOL

You dont like your genetic makeup. Your family traits are not good. You will adopt a child good in maths so that he could turned out to be an engineer. You dont want to bear child birth pains. yoU ARE ELIGIBLE!!

But wait , " constant reminder of past generations" ?? Are you a psychopath?? This is 2012 and you still believe in this [Edited Out] ...................

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Ever since I saw this four year old, adopted Chinese girl at the school where my brother taught, I've been thinking about adoption for the future. MashAllah, this girl is so bright and already has high standards set for herself, that I just fell in love with the idea of adopting. However, the process is difficult: so many restrictions, a waiting list, and expensive. I'd rather adopt than give birth to a child, because I don't want my genetic makeup to effect my child. I don't want my child to inherit traits from a side of my family that I don't like. I'd rather just adopt a child, do a DNA test, see their parents history and go on from there. Also I'd rather adopt from China, because at least my child will be great in math.

Eugenics redefined?

Or is there something more reasonable I'm missing?

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You dont like your genetic makeup. Your family traits are not good. You will adopt a child good in maths so that he could turned out to be an engineer. You dont want to bear child birth pains. yoU ARE ELIGIBLE!!

But wait , " constant reminder of past generations" ?? Are you a psychopath?? This is 2012 and you still believe in this [Edited Out] ...................

Perhaps she means that there are many diseases in her family.

I know a girl who will not marry any of her cousins because so many generations of cousins have married that she has a high chance of gentic diseases for her kids if she marries a cousin...

This is 2012 after all;) we know about genes and DNA and should be careful about it if we can and need to be careful.

Like color blindness runs in my mom's family, my brother is red-green color blind, so if I wanted to avoid passing out the trait to my future sons, I might choose to adopt kids instead, not because I want smart kids but because I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world with the burden of color blindness.

Edited by Raafiki

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