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hasanboby

Dealing With Marriage Problems

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Assalamu Alaykum,

I am married for last 4 years but my wife does not full-fill my conjugal Rights (most of the times). Because of this I sometime fall in Sins (may Allah SWT forgives me). I am sure if my wife has the right attitude towards me I can protect myself from Sins.

I discussed the same several times with her but this never worked out. I am even thinking to divorce my wife. I cannot currently divorce her until 2 years (or 7 Years recommended based on precaution) because of my new born child.

I have tried my best to make good relation with my wife as I always care and respect her. It works some time but when it comes to sex I have no rights and if I insist she usually insults and makes me feel guilty as I have done something wrong. It makes it worse and now I have stopped asking for sex and we haven’t done it for months. I have not discussed this with anybody except my wife but the only solution to this I can see is second marriage that I can easily afford (financially) to protect myself from sins.

My main concern is what is obligatory/wajib on me to deal with this situation. If I Can prevent myself is prevention now Wajib on me? This is getting very serious for me now by thinking if I die in this situation (with sins and without protecting myself). I cannot imagine living such life till my death. In our family second marriage is not considered with respect either but I don’t want to care about people as I know I am responsible of my actions alone. I dont know how to deal with my disobedient wife or to this situation. I would greatly appreciate your suggestions.

Please advise,

Wassalamu Alaykum,

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salams,

I suggest you go to a professional marriage and family counselor with the purpose of seeing if the marriage can be saved. If not, at least you can truly say that you tried. Don't worry if they are muslim or not. Just find a good one who knows what they are doing. You can talk to them first on the phone and ask them what their basic approach is to counseling. You know how to handle the Islamic paramaters or you can ask the knowledgeable ones. A molana or sheikh does not necessariy know how to do marriage counseling. Believe me, I've had to pick up the pieces from some of their misguidance in marital dynamics. I mean, you wouldn't go to the molana or sheikh to fix your car or operate on your child if they were not trained in those skills.

I'm a marital and family therapist and i have worked with people of all religions with positive results. And always, always ask Allah for help!

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Assalamu Alaykum,

I am married for last 4 years but my wife does not full-fill my conjugal Rights (most of the times). Because of this I sometime fall in Sins (may Allah SWT forgives me). I am sure if my wife has the right attitude towards me I can protect myself from Sins.

I discussed the same several times with her but this never worked out. I am even thinking to divorce my wife. I cannot currently divorce her until 2 years (or 7 Years recommended based on precaution) because of my new born child.

I have tried my best to make good relation with my wife as I always care and respect her. It works some time but when it comes to sex I have no rights and if I insist she usually insults and makes me feel guilty as I have done something wrong. It makes it worse and now I have stopped asking for sex and we haven’t done it for months. I have not discussed this with anybody except my wife but the only solution to this I can see is second marriage that I can easily afford (financially) to protect myself from sins.

My main concern is what is obligatory/wajib on me to deal with this situation. If I Can prevent myself is prevention now Wajib on me? This is getting very serious for me now by thinking if I die in this situation (with sins and without protecting myself). I cannot imagine living such life till my death. In our family second marriage is not considered with respect either but I don’t want to care about people as I know I am responsible of my actions alone. I dont know how to deal with my disobedient wife or to this situation. I would greatly appreciate your suggestions.

Please advise,

Wassalamu Alaykum,

How long into your marriage was it that your wife stopped giving you your conjugal rights?

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Did she lose interest from the period of pregnancy until the child birth?

Seek the help of the doctor because these conditions (where the wife losing interest with her husband right after childbirth) are documented in the medical field.

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Oh common sis...he can go get another one and spend long emotionally and physically fulfilling nights on end with new one. I mean who cares if his wife is spending endless nights breast feeding the newborn, not getting enough sleep, has no one to talk to about the overwhelming feelings of being the mother of a newborn. and is probably over her head in housework that she just can't finish because of a crying baby.....really none of that matters does it.

justifying her sinning?

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You have a newborn baby which i'm presuming, didn't fall of out of the sky.....

It's difficult for some women whilst pregnant and after having given birth, so you might want to give her another chance, really explain to her how this is impacting on your life, and insha'Allah, things will improve.

What's a molana or sheikh going to do exactly?

Sorry for the late reply, I am new to shiachat and thought I will receive notification. Anyway I will check my thread frequently now.

Sorry for not explaining well as this lead to some confusions. Just to explain further that I know my newly born baby didn’t fall out of the sky and is a result of sex and she agreed to have sex just because her mother insisted her because “off other people asking about any child possibility” (and not because when I insisted). Because of this I feel being use by others and that feeling made me cry.

I am explaining here my four year history and not the time of pregnancy and birth. I know it is difficult to have sex in pregnancy and after birth and I have no issue with this.

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salams,

I suggest you go to a professional marriage and family counselor with the purpose of seeing if the marriage can be saved. If not, at least you can truly say that you tried. Don't worry if they are muslim or not. Just find a good one who knows what they are doing. You can talk to them first on the phone and ask them what their basic approach is to counseling. You know how to handle the Islamic paramaters or you can ask the knowledgeable ones. A molana or sheikh does not necessariy know how to do marriage counseling. Believe me, I've had to pick up the pieces from some of their misguidance in marital dynamics. I mean, you wouldn't go to the molana or sheikh to fix your car or operate on your child if they were not trained in those skills.

I'm a marital and family therapist and i have worked with people of all religions with positive results. And always, always ask Allah for help!

Wa alikum salam,

Thanks for your suggestion. I will discuss it with my wife in detail. Not sure if she will agree but I will try my best to arrange marriage counselling.

Thanks,

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Oh common sis...he can go get another one and spend long emotionally and physically fulfilling nights on end with new one. I mean who cares if his wife is spending endless nights breast feeding the newborn, not getting enough sleep, has no one to talk to about the overwhelming feelings of being the mother of a newborn. and is probably over her head in housework that she just can't finish because of a crying baby.....really none of that matters does it.

Just to add here… she is not breast feeding the newborn and I share with her as much as I can to feed the baby, baby bath or nappy change etc. I also do most of the housework i.e. cooking, dishes, laundry and cleaning etc. I have no issue with it and understand that it is not wife’s responsibility.

I am just concerned about the responsibility of my wife that is affecting me badly and I can’t think about continue with the same for my whole life.

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How long into your marriage was it that your wife stopped giving you your conjugal rights?

First of all sorry for the late reply, I will keep checking my post regularly now.

To answer your question it is right after few days of the marriage. Since she moved back to UK and I moved to UK after a month. And since then I am facing this issue. It not related to pregnancy or after birth.

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Did she lose interest from the period of pregnancy until the child birth?

Seek the help of the doctor because these conditions (where the wife losing interest with her husband right after childbirth) are documented in the medical field.

First of all sorry for the late reply, I will keep checking my post regularly now.

To answer your question: No it is not related to period of pregnancy or child birth. I understand it and it is not the issue. I meant the four year history prior to her pregnancy and I can see its even worst after.

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Can we all stop automatically assuming that these problems only started when she became pregnant? For all we know, this has been going on for years, so let's give the brother some benefit of the doubt instead of attacking him.

If the problems do indeed stem from the pregnancy, then obviously he needs to be more patient and understanding. However, if she has been like this even before the pregnancy, then she is clearly in the wrong.

First of all sorry for the late reply, I will keep checking my post regularly now.

Sorry for not explaining my point in detail. Yes you guess right that this is the issue for years and not after the pregnancy. Although it is worst after pregnancy and we haven’t had sex since she got pregnant till now but I am ok with it if it is only for limited period of time.

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First of all sorry for the late reply, I will keep checking my post regularly now.

Sorry for not explaining my point in detail as this lead to some confusions.

The issue I explained is about four year history of our marriage prior to the pregnancy of my wife. I understand after pregnancy I should not be expecting my wife to give my conjugal rights but only for limited period of time (say a year or 2).

This is not the only issue with our relationship. There are other issues like abusive attitude and not being respected, not letting me to decide where to live, when to have child and what do with my life. I think the issue is also because she spend most of her time with her parents and not with me. I am now considering marriage counselling if she agrees and if it doesn’t work until 2 years I will move to another city with my child (away from her parents). It will be her decision to choose to live with me or her parents. If she chose her parents I will need to do second marriage.

Please advise,

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My main concern is what is obligatory/wajib on me to deal with this situation. If I Can prevent myself is prevention now Wajib on me? This is getting very serious for me now by thinking if I die in this situation (with sins and without protecting myself). I cannot imagine living such life till my death. In our family second marriage is not considered with respect either but I don’t want to care about people as I know I am responsible of my actions alone. I dont know how to deal with my disobedient wife or to this situation. I would greatly appreciate your suggestions.

Who said they have to know? Who said your first wife even has to know? According to our fiqh, a man is not obligated to publicize any of his marriages. So, find a woman who is in a similar situation (I'm not talking about breaking up existing marriages here) as you and marry her secretly.

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Who said they have to know? Who said your first wife even has to know? According to our fiqh, a man is not obligated to publicize any of his marriages. So, find a woman who is in a similar situation (I'm not talking about breaking up existing marriages here) as you and marry her secretly.

Thanks brother,

I know the ruling that I do not need to tell anybody about my marriage but I never thought about that possibility.

It sounds good solution to me initially but I am just thinking practical implications of it that I have to do justice between 2 wives and I need to sleep with one at least 1 night out of 4 I believe? Creating a question for my first wife where I am on every 4th night? etc.

I might go initially for temporary marriage and if I think we have a compatibility I can permanently marry and publicise it.

Any way thanks for you advise and I am seriously thinking about it.

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Thanks brother,

I know the ruling that I do not need to tell anybody about my marriage but I never thought about that possibility.

It sounds good solution to me initially but I am just thinking practical implications of it that I have to do justice between 2 wives and I need to sleep with one at least 1 night out of 4 I believe? Creating a question for my first wife where I am on every 4th night? etc.

I might go initially for temporary marriage and if I think we have a compatibility I can permanently marry and publicise it.

Any way thanks for you advise and I am seriously thinking about it.

I wasn't talking about you taking a second permanent wife, hence why I specifically mentioned a woman who is in a similar situation as you. Do an extended mut`a... This way you don't have all of these formal requirements to deal with. Haphazard nights away from your first wife are much easier to explain away than consistent ones. And also, biggest complication could be a pregnancy from the mut`a, but that's why you do azl.

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... Dude, you have bent yourself backward enough already. If you don't put an end to her total disregard to your right, you are responsible for boosting her to carry on with her disgraceful behavior. Even if you have the patience to endure her, you shouldn't allow her to get away with robbing your right like this as if it's nothing. Zulum should never be tolerated, so don't let it be propagated. Talk to her bluntly. Make it clear that you mean business. Make it clear that she has gone too far and it must stop. And make sure you do so in presence of witnesses, people you and her both know. Who are neutral. If you don't, she may just pull --- "Bow wimmin gettin' mistreated bow-wow-how OH HUMAN RIGHTS ORGANIZATION WHERE ART THOU?" [like just some nit-wits with papa-issues just pulled in previous pag---never mind!]

If she doesn't take heed, divorce her. Women like this will keeping treating you like a push-over until their skull is set straight. That's just how things goes.

Edited by The Exalted One

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... Dude, you have bent yourself backward enough already. If you don't put an end to her total disregard to your right, you are responsible for boosting her to carry on with her disgraceful behavior. Even if you have the patience to endure her, you shouldn't allow her to get away with robbing your right like this as if it's nothing. Zulum should never be tolerated, so don't let it be propagated. Talk to her bluntly. Make it clear that you mean business. Make it clear that she has gone too far and it must stop. And make sure you do so in presence of witnesses, people you and her both know. Who are neutral. If you don't, she may just pull --- "Bow wimmin gettin' mistreated bow-wow-how OH HUMAN RIGHTS ORGANIZATION WHERE ART THOU?" [like just some nit-wits with papa-issues just pulled in previous pag---never mind!]

If she doesn't take heed, divorce her. Women like this will keeping treating you like a push-over until their skull is set straight. That's just how things goes.

Seriously robbing his right hows that possible and how do you know he aint taking her rights ?Telling someone to public open this kind of discussion is humaliting the indivadual and quit embressing. Talking to them and maybe a person that understand what the solution is like a pychologist or those concelies makes more sense, then running and telling everyone. Next thing you know your going to encourge him to rape her and for the love of god dont try to halal it.

Anyways if its forced marriage then, its her right to refuse. Between does anyone know the name of that condition some woman get, when they start hating their own child.

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Seriously robbing his right hows that possible

... Huh? Well, I'm not married [nor do I care], but seriously, doesn't like married couples have certain OBLIGATIONS over each others? Financial, physical, emotional, whatever.

and how do you know he aint taking her rights ?

Irrelevant. I'm giving a solution to the problem, the situation that is given.

Telling someone to public open this kind of discussion is humaliting the indivadual and quit embressing.

And insulting, humiliating your husband for no good reason isn't? And besides, didn't I say talk in presence of people SHE KNOWS?

Talking to them and maybe a person that understand what the solution is like a pychologist or those concelies makes more sense, then running and telling everyone.

... Who the hell said anything about "running and telling everyone"?

Next thing you know your going to encourge him to rape her and for the love of god dont try to halal it.

... What the hell? Did I ever said anything about beating her, abusing her, cursing her etc? All I said was DIVORCE her for his own well-being.

Anyways if its forced marriage then, its her right to refuse.

If it's a forced marriage, she should divorce HIM instead of sticking with him and making a mess out of him.

Between does anyone know the name of that condition some woman get, when they start hating their own child.

So now there's colorful label given to act of hating your own child. Seriously ...

Edited by The Exalted One

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Just to add here… she is not breast feeding the newborn and I share with her as much as I can to feed the baby, baby bath or nappy change etc. I also do most of the housework i.e. cooking, dishes, laundry and cleaning etc. I have no issue with it and understand that it is not wife’s responsibility.

I am just concerned about the responsibility of my wife that is affecting me badly and I can’t think about continue with the same for my whole life.

If that's the case you are dealing with a seriously unhappy wife. If she was happy she would find a bit of joy in keep a nice house for her family.

Edited by ImAli

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I wasn't talking about you taking a second permanent wife, hence why I specifically mentioned a woman who is in a similar situation as you. Do an extended mut`a... This way you don't have all of these formal requirements to deal with. Haphazard nights away from your first wife are much easier to explain away than consistent ones. And also, biggest complication could be a pregnancy from the mut`a, but that's why you do azl.

I am not sure that in case of temporary marriage you don’t have to do justice? I think both marriages have same rulings. is it not the case? Are you sure in case if temporary marriage there is any such relaxation?

I do taqlid of (follow) “ayatullah sistani” so do you have any reference of his Fatwa? I will ask the same from representative of ayatollah sistani.

Also I don’t want to make a rigid relations based on rights and responsibilities only. I need a true relation and I will need to give more to the next wife if I want to make this relation successful otherwise I may end up with another issue of relation with the person that is more important to me. I am not looking for any temporary solution I need a permanent relation till my death so a discreet temporary marriage seam not feasible in a long-term.

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Ahhh yeh telling people you know can still be embressing. Na you never stated that he should beat her but you did state you mean business.

Divorce aint as easy as your making it sound. People in forced marriages usually have hard time tring to escape from it, they might be scared of their family rejecting them,people talking about them and some woman might not even get married after they get divorced because people and family member might blame everything on them and no one will want to take them. Anyways divorce should be that last solution,they need to think of the child too.

who do the indivuals trun to when their divorced, yeh theirs people that well help you but you still need your family. And maybe she dont like something about her husband but she cant tell him about it.

Couples do have right over eachother but no force business.

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... Dude, you have bent yourself backward enough already. If you don't put an end to her total disregard to your right, you are responsible for boosting her to carry on with her disgraceful behavior. Even if you have the patience to endure her, you shouldn't allow her to get away with robbing your right like this as if it's nothing. Zulum should never be tolerated, so don't let it be propagated. Talk to her bluntly. Make it clear that you mean business. Make it clear that she has gone too far and it must stop. And make sure you do so in presence of witnesses, people you and her both know. Who are neutral. If you don't, she may just pull --- "Bow wimmin gettin' mistreated bow-wow-how OH HUMAN RIGHTS ORGANIZATION WHERE ART THOU?" [like just some nit-wits with papa-issues just pulled in previous pag---never mind!]

If she doesn't take heed, divorce her. Women like this will keeping treating you like a push-over until their skull is set straight. That's just how things goes.

May be you are right that I am responsible to make this happen but I trusted her as she told me several times that she will change after we move from her parents’ house, after we have a child and after this and after that and this never happen I don’t have any expectation from her anymore. I still want to solve it between us and will involve others as a last resort.

I have tried to discuss the same issue several times with her I even stop sleeping with her for several nights as Quran suggests it but I did not beat her. Beating her is something difficult for me as it may create other issues when she will spread this news to everyone as she do not lose any change to make my image bade to outside world.

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Tinkerbell, sorry for being rude to you. Seriously, you sound kinda' cute. From now on, you're my daughter [or younger sister]. Alright, kiddie. Let's discuss some grown-up stuff with papa!

Ahhh yeh telling people you know can still be embressing.

Sure, kiddo. But not as embarrassing when those people are your close contacts/associates. Besides, grown-ups have to embarrass themselves on many occasions for good. It's all about letting smaller harm befall to prevent the greater. I hope I don't have to post embarrassing medical check-ups ...

And still, you have to realize, her behavior is unacceptable. This is her husband. And he is suffering a lot because of her. The child can get caught in the cross-fire as well. The kid could suffer as a consequence as well.

Na you never stated that he should beat her but you did state you mean business.

Mean business, as in --- No more joking. No more politics. No more drama. Straight to the point talking.

Now, you know, I may usually come off as feisty. But that's when I mean business.

Let's take a little break. Now here, kiddo. Papa/Big Brah brought some chocolates. *gives Tinkerbell some yummy-yum-chocolates* ... See, kiddo? This is where I don't mean business. I'm calm, cool, peaceful, serene, joking.

Divorce aint as easy as your making it sound. People in forced marriages usually have hard time tring to escape from it, they might be scared of their family rejecting them,people talking about them and some woman might not even get married after they get divorced because people and family member might blame everything on them and no one will want to take them. Anyways divorce should be that last solution,they need to think of the child too.

Yeah, well, gotta agree with you, little one. *slides back on his chair, closes his eyes, and reflects* ... Divorce ain't easy. But sometime we have no other choice. When things don't work out, it's best that the couple dissociates. But sometime to do the right thing, you have to take the brunt. Whether it's people behind-the-curtain whispering campaign, family rejection etc. But that's life. Besides, children suffer more in a dysfunctional household.

who do the indivuals trun to when their divorced, yeh theirs people that well help you but you still need your family.

Real individuals don't need favors from anyone. The world can be a very bitter place. By the end of it all, we all stand alone.

And maybe she dont like something about her husband but she cant tell him about it.

That's her fault, silly. *lightly taps Tinkerbell's head* ... Relationships are based on communication, and they die all the times due to lack of openness, communication.

Couples do have right over eachother but no force business.

Well, she's the one forcing. With-holding something that's obligatory on the wife is a force business.

May be you are right that I am responsible to make this happen but I trusted her as she told me several times that she will change after we move from her parents’ house, after we have a child and after this and after that and this never happen I don’t have any expectation from her anymore. I still want to solve it between us and will involve others as a last resort.

You trusted her ... and she never kept her part of the vow, her promise. Bro, at the end of it all, YOU are the one who is getting betrayed.

She kept pushing you, and she will keep pushing you to see how far she can take you. Try your best to put an end to it all, or she'll keep pushing you.

Edited by The Exalted One

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