Dealing With Marriage Problems

[hasanboby]

Seriously robbing his right hows that possible and how do you know he aint taking her rights ?Telling someone to public open this kind of discussion is humaliting the indivadual and quit embressing. Talking to them and maybe a person that understand what the solution is like a pychologist or those concelies makes more sense, then running and telling everyone. Next thing you know your going to encourge him to rape her and for the love of god dont try to halal it.

Anyways if its forced marriage then, its her right to refuse. Between does anyone know the name of that condition some woman get, when they start hating their own child.

I know my financial responsibilities (house, clothes and food) and providing her all off this. Also I have no issue giving positive response to her physical needs. I respect her and help her whenever she needs me. Am I missing anything?

Its arrange marriage but not force marriage at all. We had a meeting twice before our marriage. In meeting before marriage we both agreed we will take care of each other rights.

In this meeting I agree she can do job after marriage if she is fulfilling her responsibilities and can take care of the child. She is not doing both of it(Well enough) and she has no plan to leave the job either.

If that's the case you are dealing with a seriously unhappy wife. If she was happy she would find a bit of joy in keep a nice house for her family.

Yeah, man. That's one seriously unhappy wife. I mean, you do cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning, and even nurturing the baby ... yet she is unhappy.

More like ungrateful.

I asked her few times and she says she is happy and can’t live without me. She always claim she loves me but her actions don’t.

[The Exalted One]

Its arrange marriage but not force marriage at all. We had a meeting twice before our marriage. In meeting before marriage we both agreed we will take care of each other rights.

In this meeting I agree she can do job after marriage if she is fulfilling her responsibilities and can take care of the child. She is not doing both of it(Well enough) and she has no plan to leave the job either.

Then it's not a forced marriage. She VOLUNTEERED.

I know my financial responsibilities (house, clothes and food) and providing her all off this. Also I have no issue giving positive response to her physical needs. I respect her and help her whenever she needs me. Am I missing anything?

No. So far, you've kept your part of the promise. In fact, you have done a lot more than that. Your wife is showing some scary tendencies. Her total disregard to your right, her insulting and demeaning you, hurting you for no reason, and even her [somewhat] lack of care of her own child ... sounds like Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Heh, we could very well be dealing with a sociopath here.

[hasanboby]

What is her side of the story.....

The only thing I know she don’t like about me is that I don’t talk much. With her, In front of her parents and in front of guests. .. and this is because I am sad. I used to talk a very happily before my marriage but since I moved from my country to UK (only because of her as she want to do job In UK). I can’t find anyone here that I can trust anymore including my own wife. I feel unloved here. The only thing that can make me happy is a trustful healthy relation.

Or there could be some medical reason as she is not physically healthy and remain lazy most of the times (with no energy). I am trying to change her lifestyle but can’t until she get out of her parents’ house.

the last thing I know is because she spend most of her time with her parents as I have bought the house very near to my in-laws (because of her wish). I can see her mom is teaching her to be controlling wife. She even tell me most of the time to take care of the child, do house work and help her daughter in this and that. Her father is almost same. This is a big factor that has changed her attitude to controlling me and if I try to be man of the house we usually have to fight to control things.

[Lady Vanilla]

Hmm...I don't want to ask personal questions...but are you two the same ethnicity...maybe she has different cultural values...

[The Exalted One]

The only thing I know she don’t like about me is that I don’t talk much. With her, In front of her parents and in front of guests. .. and this is because I am sad. I used to talk a very happily before my marriage but since I moved from my country to UK (only because of her as she want to do job In UK). I can’t find anyone here that I can trust anymore including my own wife. I feel unloved here. The only thing that can make me happy is a trustful healthy relation.

Well, she may dislike your sad, quiet demeanor. And she might be playing mind-games to break you so you can fulfill her demands.

If that's the case, though. Play mind-games back. Some woman think they have some kind of power over a man.

the last thing I know is because she spend most of her time with her parents as I have bought the house very near to my in-laws (because of her wish). I can see her mom is teaching her to be controlling wife. She even tell me most of the time to take care of the child, do house work and help her daughter in this and that. Her father is almost same. This is a big factor that has changed her attitude to controlling me and if I try to be man of the house we usually have to fight to control things.

That's called relationship war. Psychological warfare. Who controls the relationship, who is the dominating partner. And woman do it all the time. It's everyday deal for them. Yet you'll never see the nit-wits with papa-issue wail about it.

Hmm...I don't want to ask personal questions...but are you two the same ethnicity...maybe she has different cultural values...

Judging from the avatar, he looks like he is from Pakistan. And his wife have shown all the hall-mark traits of Pakistani women. Ha-ha. Sorry. My apologies.

Edited November 10, 2012 by The Exalted One

[kim.tinkerbell]

Are you high the one?

Hosan you only had two meetings, is that it ? No wonder your facing problems.

I think you should talk to her again and be nice , maybe take a long break from eachother so you can miss eachother. But I dont think you should do m or marry another woman yet. I suggest you should ask her whats bothering her and what you can fix up on. Its difficult to determine whats bothering her because I dont know what her side of the story is.

[hasanboby]

Hmm...I don't want to ask personal questions...but are you two the same ethnicity...maybe she has different cultural values...

Yes we have cultural differences. She is British born and I am Pakistani (not traditional Pakistani husband though, otherwise I would have divorced her a long ago). Her parents are Pakistani.

[The Exalted One]

Are you high the one?

It's "Exalted", [edited].

Yes we have cultural differences. She is British born and I am Pakistani (not traditional Pakistani husband though, otherwise I would have divorced her a long ago). Her parents are Pakistani.

Then it could very well be cultural difference. Although she is of Pakistan origin [like Pakistan any better than Western civilizations], she is westernized. And western system is pretty unfair to men [no matter how much they talk about equality].

Edited November 11, 2012 by Haji 2003

[Lady Vanilla]

As much as people interpret your problem or give you advice...you may not come to a solution. You probably just needed to talk it out in order to organize your thoughts. So you have now read a good deal about what other people have said, and perhaps by now your thoughts are a little bit clearer than before. (If not then you might want to spend time either alone or with your wife even to get to the root of the problem.) So what will you do now?

[hasanboby]

Are you high the one?

Hosan you only had two meetings, is that it ? No wonder your facing problems.

I think you should talk to her again and be nice , maybe take a long break from eachother so you can miss eachother. But I dont think you should do m or marry another woman yet. I suggest you should ask her whats bothering her and what you can fix up on. Its difficult to determine whats bothering her because I dont know what her side of the story is.

Yes, it is very common in Pakistan that couple don’t even see each other before marriage. We were lucky in that we managed to get 2 meetings (in supervision of their family though).

Yes, I will talk with her again when we are back to our home again since we are currently living in her parents’ house.

[Ruq]

I wasn't talking about you taking a second permanent wife, hence why I specifically mentioned a woman who is in a similar situation as you. Do an extended mut`a... This way you don't have all of these formal requirements to deal with. Haphazard nights away from your first wife are much easier to explain away than consistent ones. And also, biggest complication could be a pregnancy from the mut`a, but that's why you do azl.

Shame on you for encouraging this person to tell lies, and to the mother of his child too. If he wants to make this situation 10 times worse he will take your advice and bring cheating into this already struggling marriage. A sure fire way to put the kibosh on it.

To the OP, rather than putting yourself into the position of exceeding the boundaries and sinning, like the poster above suggest, i suggest you go down the route of counselling and consider visiting your GP also incase your wife has a physical or mental issue that is causing her to move away from your marriage emotionally and physically, they can direct you to resources also and perform any tests that might be needed. It could be that she simply is not willing to be the wife you want her to be and you will both have to be open and honest with each other about what you require in the marriage in order for it to have a long term future. If there is a fundemental clash that cant be reconciled then be open with her about your desire to take a second wife, that way everyone can make informed and responsible decisions about how to proceed forward in the healthiest way.

[The Exalted One]

Hasan, be assertive. Talk to her. In presence of witnesses just in case she does something harmful to you. But talk to her, or the hurt will keep growing.

Yes, I will talk with her again when we are back to our home again since we are currently living in her parents’ house.

Yep, better idea. Considering how her parents are already partial and are actually teaching her all this non-sense.

Edited November 10, 2012 by The Exalted One

[silvercrest]

Pardon my words. but may be she doesn't like the way you love her. it happens a lot, if husband and wife have some sort of communication gap, she might be hesitant/shy to tell you. Ask her what she wants in intimate relations. Give her confidence that you love her and will respect her feelings.

[hasanboby]

As much as people interpret your problem or give you advice...you may not come to a solution. You probably just needed to talk it out in order to organize your thoughts. So you have now read a good deal about what other people have said, and perhaps by now your thoughts are a little bit clearer than before. (If not then you might want to spend time either alone or with your wife even to get to the root of the problem.) So what will you do now?

I will talk with her again when we are back to our house, this time very seriously. My first priority is save the relation. I may seek marriage counselling if possible. She is generally a good and religious girl but she is influenced by her parents I think. I will try to minimize her family involvement in our life and I will try to move to another city as soon as possible. I will try my best to improve myself (as I was now just ignoring her), I will do things that make her happy. To give her solid reasons to love me. May Allah help me to save my relation. I will try this for up to 2 years. If this won’t work I have to bring someone else in my life as I can’t think of living such a life till my death.

[kim.tinkerbell]

It's "Exalted", moron.

Na it aint no exalted one, more like the lil one..... Do you understand ya hmarr ???

I will never understand why british or west girls marry from back home. Just take someone from were you come from....

Someone that has the same views as you....

People just want to move to another place, meeting up 2s is nothing.... Even if you think its lucky....

Just go hosen and solve it between you and her and a professional. People round here will give you any adivce... Even lieing at your wife will be oky according to some.

Anyways good luck...

[The Exalted One]

Fairness to an unfair person is unfairness in it's prime. While I don't condone lying in any condition, this is one such condition where I'd give it a thought. Instead of straight out lying, I'd suggest say something ambiguous, that's most likely gonna be misinterpreted by her but it's true in the context you meant.

[King]

If your wife is being unfair, unreasonable, or unjust then you need to stop being a pansy and be firm. You can afford to be firm and assertive so long as what you are standing up for is right. Most women would respond to this, and respond well, just cut to the chase and let her know. Have a solid talk with her, give her sometime, leave her to contemplate for a while, If she does not respond, then you can consider moving on/divorce/mutah/ thousands of other options.

[sunrise_786]

Aslamualaykum Hasanboby,

InshaAllah you are well. it's extremely obvious that you are in a very difficult situation. May Allah bless you for considering to save the marriage

.

You must remember that you have a choice. You said you have tried, fair enough however, you must consider whether within this time you can refrain from sin aswell. You are human and have rights and so does she. Conjugal rights are fundamental rights that she must give you. Divorce is indeed a last resort and do consider that if all options fail. May Allah also bless you for trying to be a good husband. It shows you are a respectable person with good values.Unfortunately you have a child which will make things more difficult. It can be that by you staying in the marriage, it may make the child grow up in an uneasy atmosphere?, Which can affect his whole life too. You know best your situation so you should deeply see if the child will be better in our out of the marriage. If you do divorce, the procedure in English courts is difficult (if you have had a marriage at the registry office) because they might give the child to you or not based on the situation. Islamically, the case is different as who will have custody of the child should this go through.

It's very difficult because you have to consider "izat", society etc. But in all honesty, you are responsible for your own actions as you said in your previous posts. I also understand that you are in Engand, well away from family and the person you live with isn't helping you be happy either or live a fulfilling life. If you need to divorce after everything do so. It's not worth sinning against Allah. You have your akhirat to think about. The Exalted one mentioned about finding a solution, that is what you need. Mutah, will not change the atmosphere at home, she will still have her rights etc, you still have to live with her, suspicions can come (if you do it secretly and lying is haraam anyway so not worth it) and may in fact make things much worse. In particular with uneducated cultural orientated family, It can turn into a huge mess. As for marrying twice you have a double Islamic responsibility of giving each wife equal rights etc, financially, giving the same love. You may not have the ability to do this so you will end up sinning anyway. Contemplation is good, and considering counselling is also good if you know it will help. Communication helps, if the other is willing to do so. If she doesn't want to, don't kill yourself over it because it isn't worth it. She is VERY ungrateful as The exalted one said because frankly a woman couldn't ask for more.

I also understand that what we tell you is much easier to say, harder to do. I know almost exactly what you are dealing with because I come from the same country with that awareness. I know of people who are in similar situations, anything they do, doesn't help with the situation but at the same time they can't get out because of all the cultural issues, people talking, children.

But sometimes it gets too much, and if you have to get out. SAVE YOURSELF. Because if you don't no-one really will.

I pray Allah helps you make the best decision and may he be with you.

wasalam brother.

Edited November 11, 2012 by shia_warrior92

[hasanboby]

I don't blame her. It takes a lot of time and effort to become a doctor.

How do you know she is a doctor?

[hasanboby]

Aslamualaykum Hasanboby,

InshaAllah you are well. it's extremely obvious that you are in a very difficult situation. May Allah bless you for considering to save the marriage

.

You must remember that you have a choice. You said you have tried, fair enough however, you must consider whether within this time you can refrain from sin aswell. You are human and have rights and so does she. Conjugal rights are fundamental rights that she must give you. Divorce is indeed a last resort and do consider that if all options fail. May Allah also bless you for trying to be a good husband. It shows you are a respectable person with good values.Unfortunately you have a child which will make things more difficult. It can be that by you staying in the marriage, it may make the child grow up in an uneasy atmosphere?, Which can affect his whole life too. You know best your situation so you should deeply see if the child will be better in our out of the marriage. If you do divorce, the procedure in English courts is difficult (if you have had a marriage at the registry office) because they might give the child to you or not based on the situation. Islamically, the case is different as who will have custody of the child should this go through.

It's very difficult because you have to consider "izat", society etc. But in all honesty, you are responsible for your own actions as you said in your previous posts. I also understand that you are in Engand, well away from family and the person you live with isn't helping you be happy either or live a fulfilling life. If you need to divorce after everything do so. It's not worth sinning against Allah. You have your akhirat to think about. The Exalted one mentioned about finding a solution, that is what you need. Mutah, will not change the atmosphere at home, she will still have her rights etc, you still have to live with her, suspicions can come (if you do it secretly and lying is haraam anyway so not worth it) and may in fact make things much worse. In particular with uneducated cultural orientated family, It can turn into a huge mess. As for marrying twice you have a double Islamic responsibility of giving each wife equal rights etc, financially, giving the same love. You may not have the ability to do this so you will end up sinning anyway. Contemplation is good, and considering counselling is also good if you know it will help. Communication helps, if the other is willing to do so. If she doesn't want to, don't kill yourself over it because it isn't worth it. She is VERY ungrateful as The exalted one said because frankly a woman couldn't ask for more.

I also understand that what we tell you is much easier to say, harder to do. I know almost exactly what you are dealing with because I come from the same country with that awareness. I know of people who are in similar situations, anything they do, doesn't help with the situation but at the same time they can't get out because of all the cultural issues, people talking, children.

But sometimes it gets too much, and if you have to get out. SAVE YOURSELF. Because if you don't no-one really will.

I pray Allah helps you make the best decision and may he be with you.

wasalam brother.

Thanks you so much for your wise advise,

I know I am in very difficult position with no easy solution. I am worried about my child that’s why I am not going for divorce straight away as he need both father and mother and Joint custody may not be better option for my son either. I don’t know the details of divorce procedure in UK but we married in Pakistan and have not registered our marriage in UK so far. I need to fix this issue for sure. Either fixing my existing relation or finding a new one and I need to fix it myself as you said “if I don't no-one really will”.

Wassalamu Alaykum,

[sunrise_786]

It is my honour to hep you the best I can InshaAALLAH. Good, take your child into consideration aswell, you are thinking in a mature and realistic way.

That is true what you say. That's fantastic that you don't have a marriage in the UK, one less thing to worry about. You won't need to worry about English divorce as it's not registered. You would only have to look at it islamically. You don't need to fix yourself but just help yourself out of the situation inshaAAllah :).

wasalamu alaikum wa rahamatullah.

[AllAmericanShia]

Do you have office in UK? Or do you do counselling over the phone?

Im in birmingham, I can help you over the phone or you and your wife can meet me.

[Crimson]

I don't get how people can put up with this... if I did everything for her and treated her with respect yet she was still ungrateful, id post her back to her parents without a second thought.

Edited November 11, 2012 by Crimson

[sunrise_786]

"I don't get how people can put up with this... if I did everything for her and treated her with respect yet she was still ungrateful, id post her back to her parents without a second thought." ..^^^

You know Crimson, that's a wonderful Idea!. But unfortunately, the "uneducated culturally orientated" lot REALLY know how to get their way, and "condition" you to act in a certain way even if you don't want to be in it!. They know the weaknesses of people,they know which buttons to push which is why it is hated so much. like Divorce right, halal is islam but disliked. That UCO lot make it so so forbidden, that a person would be in the worst worst situation but not get out of it. literally because its is so (bleep) basically.

Hasanboby is lucky he's a guy, nothing would really happen to him, society wouldn't say anything. but if hasanboby was a girl. Oh my God,he would be one in alot of girls to get out of this situation. It is soo bad, that women will destroy their own lives, or others for that matter just to stop people from "talking" or their "honour" being ruined when Islam gives them full rights. Ever heard of "honour killings?" ...exactly that. And you know research shows that the hindu book "manu" forbids divorce. ( yes this is where people have this bleep mentality from). Ref (Islam and social work). Unfortunately, this is the cruelty of the world.

By the way, I love your signature regarding an open mind. it's fantastic. :D

Edited November 11, 2012 by shia_warrior92

[89jghur32]

I am not sure that in case of temporary marriage you don’t have to do justice? I think both marriages have same rulings. is it not the case? Are you sure in case if temporary marriage there is any such relaxation?

I do taqlid of (follow) “ayatullah sistani” so do you have any reference of his Fatwa? I will ask the same from representative of ayatollah sistani.

Also I don’t want to make a rigid relations based on rights and responsibilities only. I need a true relation and I will need to give more to the next wife if I want to make this relation successful otherwise I may end up with another issue of relation with the person that is more important to me. I am not looking for any temporary solution I need a permanent relation till my death so a discreet temporary marriage seam not feasible in a long-term.

No, you don't. The concept doesn't exist. I'll give you a reference later.

[Crimson]

"I don't get how people can put up with this... if I did everything for her and treated her with respect yet she was still ungrateful, id post her back to her parents without a second thought." ..^^^

You know Crimson, that's a wonderful Idea!. But unfortunately, the "uneducated culturally orientated" lot REALLY know how to get their way, and "condition" you to act in a certain way even if you don't want to be in it!. They know the weaknesses of people,they know which buttons to push which is why it is hated so much. like Divorce right, halal is islam but disliked. That UCO lot make it so so forbidden, that a person would be in the worst worst situation but not get out of it. literally because its is so (bleep) basically.

Hasanboby is lucky he's a guy, nothing would really happen to him, society wouldn't say anything. but if hasanboby was a girl. Oh my God,he would be one in alot of girls to get out of this situation. It is soo bad, that women will destroy their own lives, or others for that matter just to stop people from "talking" or their "honour" being ruined when Islam gives them full rights. Ever heard of "honour killings?" ...exactly that. And you know research shows that the hindu book "manu" forbids divorce. ( yes this is where people have this bleep mentality from). Ref (Islam and social work). Unfortunately, this is the cruelty of the world.

By the way, I love your signature regarding an open mind. it's fantastic. :D

True but seriously, the OP needs to snap out of it. Every day he is with her is a day wasted and a chance to find another wife and have a better life is thrown away.

If his wife is worried about her "honour" or her "respect" then she needs to show some respect and act as an actual wife, if she isn't a good wife then she deserves to lose it all.

So my advise to Hasanboby is to end it if it's still the same and that will show her what shes worth and you should just move on, seriously, like I said stop wasting time.

[Haydar Husayn]

I wasn't talking about you taking a second permanent wife, hence why I specifically mentioned a woman who is in a similar situation as you. Do an extended mut`a... This way you don't have all of these formal requirements to deal with. Haphazard nights away from your first wife are much easier to explain away than consistent ones. And also, biggest complication could be a pregnancy from the mut`a, but that's why you do azl.

I think there are better methods of contraception these days than azl...

[89jghur32]

I think there are better methods of contraception these days than azl...

Sure, but it's probably fitting to be skilled in it if you aren't prepared for the others.

[Haydar Husayn]

Sure, but it's probably fitting to be skilled in it if you aren't prepared for the others.

Doesn't sound like he is getting much chance to practice being skilled at it...

[Sshariff]

Oh common sis...he can go get another one and spend long emotionally and physically fulfilling nights on end with new one. I mean who cares if his wife is spending endless nights breast feeding the newborn, not getting enough sleep, has no one to talk to about the overwhelming feelings of being the mother of a newborn. and is probably over her head in housework that she just can't finish because of a crying baby.....really none of that matters does it.#

REPLY TO ESTHER: YOU SEE THE ABOVE...This is typical......you dont know nothing about their situation and you are putting in 10 pence of rubbish. No respect at all.

In regards to the husband who has this issue councelling is the best option in my view

and Esther: LEAVE THIS SITE TOTALLY