Why Reverts Don't Seem To Befriend One Another

[Maryammm]

I have noticed this issue for a while now, and just wanted to get some peoples experiences and thoughts on this issue. It might just be me, but I have noticed that reverts don't tend to befriend one another, I mean they do on shiachat, but not at mosques, Islamic centres, community gatherings etc.

I have noticed from some fellow reverts that they don't seem to want to talk to me, it's not like I am going to be annoying and start only talking about us being reverts.

I have a couple of speculations, but I don't want to be negative and make assumptions or generalisations.

What I have noticed about some reverts, especially young reverts of a similar age to me, they SEEM to want to be the only 'special' and 'unique' person amoungst their friends and that as a fellow revert I would steal the 'limelight'. I know for a fact alhamdulillah that I am not trying in any way shape or form wanting or trying to do this, and I am not the type of person to want to be centre of attention, I have noticed here on shia chat that most reverts just want to blend in and be treated like any other muslims, that is exactly how I feel and alhamdulillah I have managed to do so in many instances.

Another theory I have is regards to some reverts who have become muslims because of marriage, I am not talking about those women who genuinly found Islam due to their husbands influence, whether before or after marriage; just those who display behaviour and attitudes that shows their lack of real love for Allah(swt) and the truth of Islam. The funny thing is, that those who are married to a muslim man and haven't reverted have no problem with me, just those who have reverted to Islam.

Other reverts are neither trying to be in the limelight or muslim for marriage, but they just look at me in this horrible and seemingly judgmental way.. one was even a well know revert who does a lot of work as a muslim scholar and speaker... It can't be because I don't dress and act like a muslim who really wants to be muslim, though at the same time I don't dress like an Alima... but I have been muslim for over 10 years, and so I don't exactly talk like an inexperienced newbie that doesn't know or care what I am doing or saying...

These reverts don't exactly make comments or say anything outright, they just keep giving me dirty looks, and I don't know why... I try and be nice and friendly, but not too in your face... but they just don't like me. I reall want to make good connections with other reverts, not just online, but in real life... due to shared experiences and identity... not that I am going to get on with every revert I meet, but just at least one, who isn't middle aged and has a number of children, someone like me...

Oh and if any of you have any theories or know of any reasons why this might be happening, please let me know. If I am doing something wrong then I would rather know so that I can make it right, and if I am doing nothing wrong, then I would rather know so that I can carry on as I am.

[Ali Musaaa :)]

Aw Sis, that's so sad. That would be quite difficult for you in your situation.

I am sure, being a revert myself I can add to this, however, it is quite late here and I am extremely tired lol. InshAllah tomorrow I will contribute to your thread :)

I converted last Ramadan so I'm not even a year old yet :P

[Maryammm]

Aw Sis, that's so sad. That would be quite difficult for you in your situation.

I am sure, being a revert myself I can add to this, however, it is quite late here and I am extremely tired lol. InshAllah tomorrow I will contribute to your thread :)

I converted last Ramadan so I'm not even a year old yet :P

Salam, Aw thanks for your reply! and Happy birthday in advance lol! Can't wait to hear your thoughts tommorow! salams and duas inshallah

[Ali_Hussain]

(salam)

Have you tried meeting up with some people you are friendly with on shiachat? I recall having read some threads in which other reverts (or members in general trying to make friends) have done this in the past.

But also, some people are just anti social and don't really want to make friends, so try to be positve and not take it to heart.

I haven't really noticed this problem with men, I've been to centers in london and brussels, and reverts seem very well integrated, in some cases being a big group of reverts.

I hope it works out for you insha Allah

Edited July 10, 2012 by Ali_Hussain

[Ali Musaaa :)]

Salam, Aw thanks for your reply! and Happy birthday in advance lol! Can't wait to hear your thoughts tommorow! salams and duas inshallah

I'm here, I'm here :P

Okaaaaay.

Firstly I would like to point out that you have been a Muslm for 10 years, if I remember correctly from your OP? In that case, I wouldn't even feel like a revert any more after that period of time. How do the other Sisters know you are a revert? Have they been acting this way towards you after you introduced yourself as a revert or do they assume or just give you bad looks?

This is quite a unique situation, as I said before I've only been a Muslim for less than a year so I won't be able to offer much.

I think you may be right, some people want to feel like they are the 'special one' within the group. I guess I was that individual for a while as I was the only revert in our Masjid for quite a while, but not too long after that, a good friend of mine also converted to Islam, as well as another Brother who is only a year older than me. So now there is 3 of us. We don't have a big community but a 'decent size' but we have a good of Brothers, me and my friend from School being the only Shi'as but that isn't an issue.

Hmm, that really sucks and I find that actually quite rude. Their behaviour towards you, is what I am referring too. I really wouldn't know how to approach them in your situation. Perhaps speak to the Imam? Ask him if he knows if there is any concerns or ask if he can speak to some of the Sisters as you feel upset/hurt by their actions?

I'm not sure, sorry couldn't help.

[AR2011]

what u describe sounds very similar to my own experience of the coldness i perceive from others except im not a revert!

do u experience similar things from non-reverts?

[Cause]

You're a woman, and you're probably referring to women. Women generally hate each other revert or no revert. J-e-a-l-o-u-s-y.

[Abu Hadi]

Salam,

I am a revert man, so I might have a different perspective on this. I live in the largest (in terms of numbers) muslim community in North America and go (sometimes) to the largest Masjid in the United States and yet most of the time I will go for weeks or months without ever even seeing another male revert. I am Caucasian but I have many friends who are African Americans because the largest percentage of male reverts is from this community. In my community, there are also a decent number of Shia African American reverts from my community and I always enjoy seeing and talking to those brothers, although I don't see them that much. I don't find too much of what you are talking about amoung male reverts and most of us , when we do meet each other, get along fairly well although there are cultural and personality issues just like their is in any community but there not something that would get to the level that you are talking about.

I admit I don't know much about the sisters who are reverts because I have very little, if any, contact with them. Most of the sisters who revert become cloistered in whatever community they reverted into and also for issues of Haya I don't go around chatting with sisters, so there you go. Salam.

[Maryammm]

(salam)

Have you tried meeting up with some people you are friendly with on shiachat? I recall having read some threads in which other reverts (or members in general trying to make friends) have done this in the past.

But also, some people are just anti social and don't really want to make friends, so try to be positve and not take it to heart.

I haven't really noticed this problem with men, I've been to centers in london and brussels, and reverts seem very well integrated, in some cases being a big group of reverts.

I hope it works out for you insha Allah

Salam, I think this is mainly a female problem, most male reverts that I have seen, seem to be very humble and not have this problem alhamdulillah. Thanks for your reply and your perspective, maybe us sisters can learn something from the brothers. Not sure I can or should meet up with sisters from online, unless by accident at a majlis or something lol. Salams and duas

I'm here, I'm here :P

Okaaaaay.

Firstly I would like to point out that you have been a Muslm for 10 years, if I remember correctly from your OP? In that case, I wouldn't even feel like a revert any more after that period of time. How do the other Sisters know you are a revert? Have they been acting this way towards you after you introduced yourself as a revert or do they assume or just give you bad looks?

This is quite a unique situation, as I said before I've only been a Muslim for less than a year so I won't be able to offer much.

I think you may be right, some people want to feel like they are the 'special one' within the group. I guess I was that individual for a while as I was the only revert in our Masjid for quite a while, but not too long after that, a good friend of mine also converted to Islam, as well as another Brother who is only a year older than me. So now there is 3 of us. We don't have a big community but a 'decent size' but we have a good of Brothers, me and my friend from School being the only Shi'as but that isn't an issue.

Hmm, that really sucks and I find that actually quite rude. Their behaviour towards you, is what I am referring too. I really wouldn't know how to approach them in your situation. Perhaps speak to the Imam? Ask him if he knows if there is any concerns or ask if he can speak to some of the Sisters as you feel upset/hurt by their actions?

I'm not sure, sorry couldn't help.

Salam, thanks for your reply! Even though your a baby revert, you still have a lot to offer, a nice fresh perspective! I am so pleased to hear that you know so many people who have become muslim! Not sure I want to go and speak to the resident Aalim of the mosque about it, these sisters all attend different masjids in different parts of the UK, and in different communities, it's not like anyone is ganging up on me lol, they don't really want to be in a gang lol, that's the point! I think I will just have to try and be even more nice and friendly inshallah and see how that goes lol. By the way, even after 10 years or more you still feel like a revert lol! you never lose the title lol! Oh and these reverts either know I am a revert because I look like one(though most born muslims who don't know me think I am arab or something lol) or they know that I am through mutual friends lol. Salams and duas, and may Allah(swt) continually guide you on thie glorious path that you have undertaken inshallah!

what u describe sounds very similar to my own experience of the coldness i perceive from others except im not a revert!

do u experience similar things from non-reverts?

Salam, I don't really experience these things from non-reverts, that is why it is weird... if it was coldness from a variety of people then I would understand, not everyone is going to like you.... so I don't know... salams and duas, and hope people don't keep being cold towards you inshallah!

[Ali_Hussain]

Salam, I think this is mainly a female problem, most male reverts that I have seen, seem to be very humble and not have this problem alhamdulillah. Thanks for your reply and your perspective, maybe us sisters can learn something from the brothers. Not sure I can or should meet up with sisters from online, unless by accident at a majlis or something lol. Salams and duas

salaam,

yeah, I think the other sisters who did this arranged to meet up at certain events, so you could try the same, if you don't try, you don't get.

also if the conversation goes a bit dry, you can just talk about one of the many absurd things you read on shiachat, that should spring the conversation to life.

with salaams

Edited July 11, 2012 by Ali_Hussain

[Maryammm]

You're a woman, and you're probably referring to women. Women generally hate each other revert or no revert. J-e-a-l-o-u-s-y.

Salam, I agree that us women can be jealous lol, but this is just rediculous... there is nothing to be jealous of, these revert sisters have a lot more things going for them then I do... and I don't really get this problem from non reverts-maybe because they are more comfortable in their identity... I don't think all women 'hate' each other, but in some instances you have a point!

Salam,

I am a revert man, so I might have a different perspective on this. I live in the largest (in terms of numbers) muslim community in North America and go (sometimes) to the largest Masjid in the United States and yet most of the time I will go for weeks or months without ever even seeing another male revert. I am Caucasian but I have many friends who are African Americans because the largest percentage of male reverts is from this community. In my community, there are also a decent number of Shia African American reverts from my community and I always enjoy seeing and talking to those brothers, although I don't see them that much. I don't find too much of what you are talking about amoung male reverts and most of us , when we do meet each other, get along fairly well although there are cultural and personality issues just like their is in any community but there not something that would get to the level that you are talking about.

I admit I don't know much about the sisters who are reverts because I have very little, if any, contact with them. Most of the sisters who revert become cloistered in whatever community they reverted into and also for issues of Haya I don't go around chatting with sisters, so there you go. Salam.

Salam Abu hadi! Thanks for your perspective! nice to know the goings on of Dearborn, wonder if you have seen the 'revert' from the show 'All American Muslims' lol how is he doing? lol. I had a feeling that this was mainly a women's issue, nice to know that the brothers don't have this problem alhamdulillah. Also nice to know that you don't go around investigating the sisters, ofcourse I get why that would be the case. I really hope that my experiences with female reverts changes, funny how it's mainly revert brothers, and born and raised muslim brothers posting on this thread... Salams and duas inshallah

[Ali Musaaa :)]

Salam, thanks for your reply! Even though your a baby revert, you still have a lot to offer, a nice fresh perspective! I am so pleased to hear that you know so many people who have become muslim! Not sure I want to go and speak to the resident Aalim of the mosque about it, these sisters all attend different masjids in different parts of the UK, and in different communities, it's not like anyone is ganging up on me lol, they don't really want to be in a gang lol, that's the point! I think I will just have to try and be even more nice and friendly inshallah and see how that goes lol. By the way, even after 10 years or more you still feel like a revert lol! you never lose the title lol! Oh and these reverts either know I am a revert because I look like one(though most born muslims who don't know me think I am arab or something lol) or they know that I am through mutual friends lol. Salams and duas, and may Allah(swt) continually guide you on thie glorious path that you have undertaken inshallah!

Haha yeah, I think we just aim to slowly blend into the community. That's what I try and do anyway :P I don't know if I stand out as much. A few days ago some brothers and I were on a spiritual camp together and we started taking turns reciting Qur'an and when it go ro me I recited and then when I finished the Brother next to me said: "Wow man, if I didnt know you were next to me I would of thought you were an Arab" Loool

[ילדת מלך]

That sounds really strange and somehow eerily similar; yes maybe there is something about the revert which puts other on edge--( I am kidding, do not mind ). During my postulancy , especially the last 3/4 months of it, I was going through severe emotional and spiritual conflict; though I kept quiet about it but there was something about me, which put the other postulants around me on edge---they started to either avoid me or unnecessarily question, sort of trying to pry me.

When others know that you are walking on the edge of things they do become a bit vicious; I am not saying that every one was like that , but maybe my own sense of betrayal accentuated the feelings of alienation.

Do not worry; what I think that you should not try or bother to win them over, let them be, they will come around. Human psyche is strange, sometimes the more a person wants to win us, the more irritated we become. Keep an attitude of benign indifference to them , that will make them extend their hand to you.

[UmmAhmad]

My only friends are reverts, a cuban revert and two american reverts. :)

[guest 34193]

It does seem to be a whole other world there on the women's side of the centers.. Speaking as a brother though, no I haven't had this problem. Many if not most of my closest in-person Muslim friends have been converts of one stripe or another in fact.

[al ghareeb75]

Not always but i think they are more open rivalry between European convert and front the strangers we are more polite, more shy ...

Plus maybe some want to encounter news people from Islamic culture and don't like see other convert .

plus maybe they look for knowledge and think they will not learn a lot with convert especially the new one.

With the time things change...maybe not expect too much warm from people . We live in a last days so the relations between people become more and more difficult it's normal .

sometimes the new convert are very zealous and it's good but that's can make more easy argue with the people from same ethnic or culture when they are too much passionate , know not a lot about Ilm, Marifat and want to impose their views to each others ...

Personaly i know someone who is French as well , older tahn me and he studie 2 yeras Qomm he very intersant person but it's difficult to say anything with him . When i say about hadiths he don't know sometimes he reject it fastly and i have to give him reference for he accept it and change his mind . So i had enough of him after holidays we pass together because it start to become very taghouty and irrespectuous toward the Al el Bayt(as) because when you don't know about hadith you can't reject it like this...

I m convert myself but i saw sometimes this phenomenon of rivalry who become not sane. There are good rivalry in good actions but not in the way to said to your brothers and sisters : " I KNOW but you know not " ... i exaggerate but it's sound like this too much time...

it s jus some supposition .

in last maybe look inside ourself for see if it is something wrong in our attitude ...in last but i mean at first! ...

(salam)

[khadumvaliasr]

On 7/10/2012 at 11:14 AM, Maryammm said:

reverts don't tend to befriend one another, I mean they do on shiachat, but not at mosques, Islamic centres, community gatherings etc.

As was mentioned above this is more of  female issue and less with male reverts.

I think it has to do with the exact same reason that often women are very catty towards each other,  muslim or non Muslim, and unfortunately they often bring along their psychological baggage into their new Deen.

In our 3 regional Shia Islamic center's I see a few different type of reverts.

The humble,  willing to ask questions, the people with kind hearts and intellectually curious....definitely a minority.

The reverts who married into the religion , either very ignorant of aqueeda and akhlaq or the polar opposite... ( almost always women because of fiqh rules i guess) these lady Ayatollahs who pronounce judgments on others, feel they have mastered the fiqh ( usually very small town un traveled, unilingual,  quick to judge others, strict teacher types) .....now don't get me wrong they would never look introspectively and examine this ...they don't  realize how much of our Deen is really ikkhlaq...but are quick to criticize the behavior of others...these are the nanny state mominas , God forbid they ever admit they are wrong or admit mistakes publicly...there are also a few very feminine type men especially the feminine type bachelor's who have the same demeanor kind of like trans nanny state mominas....

The majority of male reverts are usually open very down to earth types , intellectually curious,  and try to improve their ikhlaq, but their are exceptions...the know it all , pronouncing fatwa, calling everything forbidden, the haram police....and these again have many feminine characteristics ...not sure why that is exactly?? I think some of these types came to shia Islam via the salami pathway.

Edited October 28 by khadumvaliasr

[khadumvaliasr]

2 hours ago, khadumvaliasr said:

I think some of these types came to shia Islam via the salami pathway

Salafi pathway

not salami ...stupid spell check 

[Ashvazdanghe]

Salam related thread

 

[TheWayofTheSalaaf]

Before I reverted I was friends with arabs and people from muslim majority countries. I just don't have much in common with westerners so why would that change when I reverted. I think people like islamic culture and appreciate it before reverting. I've never been against reverts but I generally don't have much in common with many because they bring alot of western baggage.

[Lion of Shia]

I dont really know of any reverts in my area,but meeting more would be nice!