Help Keep My Family Together (not Asking For Money

[kabanda]

I have been on ShiaChat for a very long time but recently created this login to seek help with my issue.

We have been married for 15 years. My wife is a revert to Shia Islam and a practicing muslim. We have two kids, a daughter 13 and a son 8. My wife is a practicing muslim and observes fasts, prays 5 times, wears hijaab.

Before I got married to my wife, she was a non-muslim (not ahle-e-kitaab) and she used to have a boyfriend. I did not know this when we got married but she had sex with her boyfriend for a very long time, they were together 7 years before we got married. When she met me (we worked together) , She got interested in Islam, broke up with her boyfriend. When I told her that I can't marry you, she accepted Islam after studying it and became a model muslim.

My wife recently made a comment that "you don't really know me" which led me to ask her questions about what she has done in the past that I don't know about. I found out about sex with the boyfriend, etc. and this knowledge is killing me like a cancer. I am trying to stay with my wife for the sake of the kids but just the fact that someone else had sex with her before me is just eating me up.

I don't know how to deal with it. Can't talk to my family as it is too personal nor can I talk to anyone of my friends. What should I do?

[covertiman]

Why does the "you don't really know me" statement imply negative connotation??

[Jaysro]

Salaam,

I don't think you should look too much into the past brother, look at your wife now, look at your kids look at the whole family situation and decide if the fact that she had sex BEFORE she was muslim is really significant to your day to day life NOW.

I don't know how you interract but if your wife is a model muslim, if you have two kids I would love to be in your place right now... you don't find a lot of model muslims these days believe me. Forget the past live in the now and get to know the real her. Get to know her for real, no more secrets you'll find a relationship without secrets to be like fallin in love all over again.

I'm sorry if I pretend I know, but thats what I'd seen till now.

[kadhim]

Oh my God! You're serious? She was in a committed long term stable relationship with someone? My God. That trollop!

Might as well just throw away the last 15 years right now.

In case there's any confusion, I'm being sarcastic. Get over it. What's wrong with you?

Did she claim to be a virgin before meeting you? No? Then what is your problem? Get over it.

After 15 years of presumably faithful marriage, you're getting bent out of shape of things that took place between 22 and 15 years ago?

No. You're way too far in now. You passed the last exit a long way back.

If she is a good Muslim wife faithful to you NOW, that is what is important. Put these Satanic whispers away. There is nothing good in it.

[kabanda]

Thanks for your responses, it really helped and I mean it.

That is a good point about satanic whisperers. You are right Shaytan has its ways of creating doubts. And yes I am

For me I just need to find some way of reconciling that someone else had sex with my current wife before I met her and now she is my wife. I don't think it is any different from marrying someone who was married before. I have thought about therapy but not sure that any western psychiatrist would understand my issue. For Americans it is no big deal.

[Kirmani]

Assalaam Alaikum,

brother do you really believe that she is a muslim? Or that she purely converted just to marry you?

If you believe she became muslim for real then it is your DUTY to view her as a purely clean and non-sinned woman at the point of her conversion. Anyone who accepts the shahadah with true intentions is CLEANSED of all their previous misdeeds and sins. Whatever you are feeling is a male ego thing, trust me you are not the first person to experience this. You can get over this, just remember, she never betrayed or cheated on you so there is no reason to have resentment towards her

Edited June 4, 2012 by Kirmani

[ImAli]

The you don't really know me statement was probably just a meaningless emotional rant...relax because all women say strange things when they are angry or have PMS

[kabanda]

Assalaam Alaikum,

brother do you really believe that she is a muslim? Or that she purely converted just to marry you?

If you believe she became muslim for real then it is your DUTY to view her as a purely clean and non-sinned woman at the point of her conversion. Anyone who accepts the shahadah with true intentions is CLEANSED of all their previous misdeeds and sins. Whatever you are feeling is a male ego thing, trust me you are not the first person to experience this. You can get over this, just remember, she never betrayed or cheated on you so there is no reason to have resentment towards her

Assalaam Alaikum,

brother do you really believe that she is a muslim? Or that she purely converted just to marry you?

If you believe she became muslim for real then it is your DUTY to view her as a purely clean and non-sinned woman at the point of her conversion. Anyone who accepts the shahadah with true intentions is CLEANSED of all their previous misdeeds and sins. Whatever you are feeling is a male ego thing, trust me you are not the first person to experience this. You can get over this, just remember, she never betrayed or cheated on you so there is no reason to have resentment towards her

It is far too back to remember if she converted to marry me but she has actually made me a better Muslim by stopping me from haraam. Just the other night she said that if you can't do Ghusl Janaaba before Fajr prayers, no sex because I don't want u to miss Fajr prayers. So overall she is a better muslim than a lot of born muslims and has improved my religion.

I think you are right about male ego thing, but I don't know how to deal with it. I think about it all the time. I pressured her to tell me all the details of their sex life before me and now it is bothering me even more. I would like to ignore the whole thing as she is a good mother, a faithful wife and a model Muslim but I just don't know how.

[Peace!]

I have thought about therapy but not sure that any western psychiatrist would understand my issue. For Americans it is no big deal.

Try couples counselling - it can't be any worse than what you're going through right now. Preferably with someone from a Muslim background.

[Waiting for HIM]

I have been on ShiaChat for a very long time but recently created this login to seek help with my issue..

My wife recently made a comment that "you don't really know me" which led me to ask her questions about what she has done in the past that I don't know about. I found out about sex with the boyfriend, etc. and this knowledge is killing me like a cancer. I am trying to stay with my wife for the sake of the kids but just the fact that someone else had sex with her before me is just eating me up.

I don't know how to deal with it. Can't talk to my family as it is too personal nor can I talk to anyone of my friends. What should I do?

Salam,

I can understand manly ghairat issue. This is a sign of a momin.

But Allah (swt) forgives and cleans the slate once a nonMuslim accepts Islam. It appers as you say your wife converted whole hearted.y and became a model Muslima. I would say, forgive, forget, and reconcile. Draw some ground rules as far as never mention or imply the past ever because it antagonizes you and is taken as a challenge to your sense of pride. I'm sure if she is a good momina, she will also not take risk on making you feel bad.

Good luck and reconcile in the fact that you caused one human soul to save from hell fire which is not a small task indeed.

[kabanda]

Assalaam Alaikum,

brother do you really believe that she is a muslim? Or that she purely converted just to marry you?

It was too long ago to remember but now she is a much better Muslim than me. I truly believe that she has made me a better practicing Muslim.

Why does the "you don't really know me" statement imply negative connotation??

After 15 years of being married you hope you know your spouse really well. If someone makes that statement it hurts a lot.

Salam,

I can understand manly ghairat issue. This is a sign of a momin.

But Allah (swt) forgives and cleans the slate once a nonMuslim accepts Islam. It appers as you say your wife converted whole hearted.y and became a model Muslima. I would say, forgive, forget, and reconcile. Draw some ground rules as far as never mention or imply the past ever because it antagonizes you and is taken as a challenge to your sense of pride. I'm sure if she is a good momina, she will also not take risk on making you feel bad.

Good luck and reconcile in the fact that you caused one human soul to save from hell fire which is not a small task indeed.

Yes, absolutely right it is the Ghairat issue and the problem that I didn't get married to a virgin. While i have the look, the smartness and financial success, it just makes me feel small. It keeps coming back every few days and starts eating me up inside.

The saving of the soul comment helped, I think by her becoming a very good practicing Muslim, she probably saved me from sin and hellfire as well.

[Waiting for HIM]

It was too long ago to remember but now she is a much better Muslim than me. I truly believe that she has made me a better practicing Muslim.

After 15 years of being married you hope you know your spouse really well. If someone makes that statement it hurts a lot.

Yes, absolutely right it is the Ghairat issue and the problem that I didn't get married to a virgin. While i have the look, the smartness and financial success, it just makes me feel small. It keeps coming back every few days and starts eating me up inside.

The saving of the soul comment helped, I think by her becoming a very good practicing Muslim, she probably saved me from sin and hellfire as well.

All of us have some purpose bro. Remember the ayat of Quran, the believing men are for believing women and believing women are for believing men... Imagine, through your hands Allah did not get you someone who became a believing womn by her parents, she became "believing" by your hands. You should be thanking Allah for the honor that you got. As far as virginity, its over rated anyway. Virgin a little tight, non virgin a little lose, end of the day its just a dust, what remains is you did what was the sunnah of Prophets, that is, defeating the Shiatan, freeing a bonded soul from the shackles of Iblees, and delivered in the footstep of Imam Mahdi (atf). What else do you want, you did something which 99% of Muslims would never be able to do in their whole lives.

If you are indeed bitter in just virginity issue, do a mutah or marry someone else and make it equal. But don;t screw your life, peace, bliss lest you be counted from among the "thankless" ones and lose all the blessings that you earned. Do not waste your rewards.

This stupid Ibless is putting things in your head because he wants to revenge his defeat from you. He promised Allah (swt) that he will make all of us worship him, you being a slave of Allah (swt) pulled one soul away from him, he is mad at you and wants you to do things to take his victim back. Don't let him.

Edited June 5, 2012 by Waiting for HIM

[shiaaliibrahim]

Brother, When she accepted Islam her past was washed clean. Please do not concern yourself with her sexual past, it's too late for that now. Her statement was unwise, that is something that a western woman can get away with saying to a non-Muslim western man and maybe stimulate his interest. If she knew what that statement would stimulate within you I doubt that she would have made that statement. The Holy Prophet (pbuh) was married to several women that were previously married, thus having a sexual past with other men. Think about it this way, sex happens in the moment and then it is only a distant memory. That memory can only survive as long as you hold on to it. You should remind your wife that you are a sexual innocent before marrying her and that you lack the conditioning necessary to handle her fairly flip statements about her past.

In the meantime, be strong and gain some wisdom from this experience. People, even people that love each other, can be cruel, so do not be surprised that in the heat of the moment she says something like this again. Learn to deal with it so that it has no power over you.

Wa Salaam

[kabanda]

If you are indeed bitter in just virginity issue, do a mutah or marry someone else and make it equal.

If I marry someone else even for a Mutah, woudn't that hurt our relationship even more? I live in the US so marrying someone else probably means I have to divorce her legally which again breaks down the family.

[BabyBeaverIsAKit]

Lots of people in our community marry divorced people! They don't become trash once they've had sex! People are worth more than that! I think what you're feeling is shock that you didn't know this. I bet if you had known this (if you had asked) from the beginning, you wouldn't be making such a big deal of this. It's shock and surprise you're feeling rather than doubts about your marriage.

Edited June 5, 2012 by BabyBeaverIsAKit

[Maryaam]

If you are indeed bitter in just virginity issue, do a mutah or marry someone else and make it equal.

Make it equal??? :wacko: It'll make it something but it wont be "equal".

You hurt my feelings(?) before we were married - so I am going to hurt yours while we are married.

Kind of like you broke my toy so I am going to break yours.

Yep, that always works......... :rolleyes:

Edited June 5, 2012 by Maryaam

[Abu Hadi]

If I marry someone else even for a Mutah, woudn't that hurt our relationship even more? I live in the US so marrying someone else probably means I have to divorce her legally which again breaks down the family.

I don't think in your situation, doing mutah would help anything. You need to just forget about this altogether. Like sis ImAli said, the 'you don't know me' comment was probably just something said without much thought. It doesn't really mean anything, IMO. My wife and I have been married for about 12 years and the women I was with before my wife, I don't spend more than a few seconds per month thinking about them. I'm not just saying that because my wife reads my posts :donno: , really I don't, and I think that's pretty typical for men and women who have been married for years. You know the expression 'Out of sight, Out of mind'. It's really true, someone that you have had no contact with for years is someone you think about very little. This is how our brains work.

Ask Allah(s.w.a) in your dua to help you to forget about the fact that she was with someone before. It has absolutely no effect on your current relationship and to even think about breaking up your family over something silly like this is showing ungratefulness to Allah(s.w.a) since he is the one who gave you this family. Move on. Full Stop.

Edited June 5, 2012 by Abu Hadi

[Waiting for HIM]

Make it equal??? :wacko: It'll make it something but it wont be "equal".

You hurt my feelings(?) before we were married - so I am going to hurt yours while we are married.

Kind of like you broke my toy so I am going to break yours.

Yep, that always works......... :rolleyes:

Yeah. I Know this part is not such a good advice.

[Allahuakbar]

Thanks for your responses, it really helped and I mean it.

That is a good point about satanic whisperers. You are right Shaytan has its ways of creating doubts. And yes I am

For me I just need to find some way of reconciling that someone else had sex with my current wife before I met her and now she is my wife. I don't think it is any different from marrying someone who was married before. I have thought about therapy but not sure that any western psychiatrist would understand my issue. For Americans it is no big deal.

I pray you get this issue resolved because you do not want your children to feel the strain on your relationship with your wife. This kinds of things effect children the most. If you have no other reason to move on (of which you have many as discussed by other members) please move on for the sake of your children. May Allah aid you in your endeavor.

[~Zee Zee~]

Stop beating around the bush bro, and make mot3a with another woman already or even get married to a second wife. No need for excuses.

Edited June 6, 2012 by ImAli's Shadow

[kabanda]

I pray you get this issue resolved because you do not want your children to feel the strain on your relationship with your wife. This kinds of things effect children the most. If you have no other reason to move on (of which you have many as discussed by other members) please move on for the sake of your children. May Allah aid you in your endeavor.

Thanks so much for your prayers. With the advice of a lot of members above, I am going to be staying with my wife. Inshah Allah over time, Allah will help me make peace with this issue.

Stop beating around the bush bro, and make mot3a with another woman already or even get married to a second wife. No need for excuses.

I don't think doing a mutaa with another woman or getting married to another wife is going to solve anything. It will only strain my relationship with my wife which will further cause problems.

[5adija]

If Allah is the Forgiver, why shouldn't be you?

Don't judge her because He will judge her on a more wide base than you have.

Don't waste your feelings in such unuseful thoughts: be positive, you have a miracle next to you... you have a precious woman now that you would not have had if she did would not have reverted.

And Allah knows the best.

Fi amanillah

[Gypsy]

It's the past. If she is still a good wife and you are still happy with her then forget the past.

[Al-Mufeed]

I'm not sure how you went 15 years through marriage with out figuring out at some point she wasn't a virgin.

In any case if it was a really big concern for you at the time you should of married a virgin woman (very unlikely when your dealing with non Muslims).

I understand the gheerat issue though - it's a big deal for allot of men - especially from Middle East/South Asia, but don't let shaytan fool you in to thinking your pride is worth destroying your family.

There is a story that they report about Syed Bahr Al Uloom - as is mentioned (alahul alim) he met with our master, al-qaim (as) on several occasions. In one of those instances it is reported that the syed saw al-qaim (as) go in to a shop in the bazar. When he followed him in to that shop he saw him speaking with the shop owner and then quickly leaving. Syed asked the shop owner if he knew who that was - he said indeed he did, and then informed him that Al-Qaim visited him regularly. Syed asked the shop owner what did he do that he was blessed with this great fortune. The shop owner said he had a wife - whom he had married thinking she was a virgin. He said on the wedding night he discovered she was not, and she begged him not to say any thing. She assured him that she had repented. The shop owner said, I didn't become upset with her and treated her with full respect, and never judged her in any way, and treated her no different than any other bride, I never brought the issue up - not even once and because of this kindness I showed my wife, I receive visits from Al-Qaem (as).

[kabanda]

I'm not sure how you went 15 years through marriage with out figuring out at some point she wasn't a virgin.

In any case if it was a really big concern for you at the time you should of married a virgin woman (very unlikely when your dealing with non Muslims).

I understand the gheerat issue though - it's a big deal for allot of men - especially from Middle East/South Asia, but don't let shaytan fool you in to thinking your pride is worth destroying your family.

There is a story that they report about Syed Bahr Al Uloom - as is mentioned (alahul alim) he met with our master, al-qaim (as) on several occasions. In one of those instances it is reported that the syed saw al-qaim (as) go in to a shop in the bazar. When he followed him in to that shop he saw him speaking with the shop owner and then quickly leaving. Syed asked the shop owner if he knew who that was - he said indeed he did, and then informed him that Al-Qaim visited him regularly. Syed asked the shop owner what did he do that he was blessed with this great fortune. The shop owner said he had a wife - whom he had married thinking she was a virgin. He said on the wedding night he discovered she was not, and she begged him not to say any thing. She assured him that she had repented. The shop owner said, I didn't become upset with her and treated her with full respect, and never judged her in any way, and treated her no different than any other bride, I never brought the issue up - not even once and because of this kindness I showed my wife, I receive visits from Al-Qaem (as).

Yes it is just the thought when I kiss her and make love to her that someone else was here and in my head it gives me an unclean feeling, I feel dirty and less of a man. I pray to Allah to give me the patience and peace of mind.

Thanks so much for that story, I had never heard that before. In my life I strive to be a follower of Imam Zamana (as).

[Guest Zahratul_Islam]

It is far too back to remember if she converted to marry me but she has actually made me a better Muslim by stopping me from haraam. Just the other night she said that if you can't do Ghusl Janaaba before Fajr prayers, no sex because I don't want u to miss Fajr prayers. So overall she is a better muslim than a lot of born muslims and has improved my religion.

Ah, the Muslim version of "I have a headache."

Yes, absolutely right it is the Ghairat issue and the problem that I didn't get married to a virgin. While i have the look, the smartness and financial success, it just makes me feel small. It keeps coming back every few days and starts eating me up inside.

Maybe if you you married a virgin you wouldn't have gotten along as well with her as you do with your wife. A hymen in and of itself doesn't have much of a personality :donno:

Your outrage makes little sense. I would understand your hurt if you had married a woman who had grown up in a traditional Muslim household and found out she wasn't a virgin after marriage. In that instance your feelings would be reasonable because it is rather audacious for a woman of those circumstances to engage in sexual intercourse outside of marriage. However you knowingly married a convert to Islam who lived her own life before embracing Islamic values, so your outrage seems a bit retarded unreasonable. You have daughters of your own. How would you like it if they were viewed as being less worthy marriage prospects if they were widowed/divorced early on?

Also, were you a virgin when you got married? I really hope you were given some the sense of entitlement displayed in some of your comments :rolleyes:

Edited June 22, 2012 by Zahratul_Islam

[King]

Common dude, shes your damn wife, so what if she had sex before a gazillion times, its just sex, she is committed to you and your children now. I really hope for your families sake that you are able to put all this in perspective and be a devoted father/husband again.

[Gepetto_Zapata]

If you can't take the good advices other members gave you in here, at least think of it as taking care of her and keeping your family together in the sake of Allah a.j., especially now that you have children. As them being under your responsibility till death, as much as you might be bothered by the "she was not yours only" fact.

You're really kind of late to be thinking too much of this now, usually it's people who just got engaged or recently married that have these issues. You're already well into it, having kids and all... It's a tough internal situation you're in, insha'Allah you'll get through it.

What she said to yo was stupid, "You don't really know me" and she needs a slap for that, I'm sure the "context" she said that in, made you think twice about her, which got you "not at ease" as we're seeing here, it wasn't in a normal PMS argument apparently... But try to at least think that she regrets everything before she met you. Did she at least ever tell you that? Look into her eyes and face if she ever does, if you think she really means that, try to forgive and forget... Live on...

[Haydar Husayn]

If the Prophet (sawas) and the Imams (as) weren't too good to marry non-virgins, then why should anyone else be?

[Gepetto_Zapata]

^^^ Good point...

By the way did the wives they took that were non-virgins ever bear them any children? I don't intend to go anywhere with this question, just asking this for info as it has crossed my mind a lot that they did not have any children from the wives the non-virgin wives they married...

[Peace!]

If the Prophet (sawas) and the Imams (as) weren't too good to marry non-virgins, then why should anyone else be?

Well for one thing, they were not ordinary people who have to submit to society's approval and judgement for every major/minor decision they take throughout their lives?

[Peace!]

I pray you get this issue resolved because you do not want your children to feel the strain on your relationship with your wife.

This kinds of things effect children the most. If you have no other reason to move on (of which you have many as discussed by other members) please move on for the sake of your children. May Allah aid you in your endeavor.

Truesay!

I read somewhere that the best gift a man can give his children is to love and respect their mother. :wub:

[Al-Mufeed]

Well for one thing, they were not ordinary people who have to submit to society's approval and judgement for every major/minor decision they take throughout their lives?

Who said society didn't judge them? Ahlulbayt (as) just ignored what ignorant people had to say and only focused on Allah

[Peace!]

Who said society didn't judge them? Ahlulbayt (as) just ignored what ignorant people had to say and only focused on Allah

Yes, that's why they are Infallibles.

I wish it was that simple from an ordinary person's perspective.

When you try to swim against the tide, your arms and spirit soon become weary, and then you sink and drown.

An ordinary person would have to be exceptionally mentally, emotionally, spiritually strong and resilient in order to win the struggle against society’s norms and values.

[Haydar Husayn]

Well for one thing, they were not ordinary people who have to submit to society's approval and judgement for every major/minor decision they take throughout their lives?

I feel sorry for anyone that lives likes this. Who cares about the approval and judgement of jahils?