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In the Name of God بسم الله

Are Some People Called To Be Single?

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Salams,

The smartest man I know in the world, is my father - a man who has no degree (due to circumstances in his homeland, namely war). He worked in a semi-skilled job. We grew up in a very working-class family with a salary to match. Difficult when raising 5 kids in Sydney. What he brought to family life however was a wealth of knowledge in general.. let alone Islam, so much wisdom in his discussions, compassion for the 'the other' and a drive within us to be the best that we could possibly be .... whether that be getting a degree or being a mechanic. I feel like we all had such a 'rich' upbrining alhamdulillah.

I'm just a little bit disturbed by some of the comments people are making eg about being doctors and married to them being the next best thing.. Doctor's are not superhuman.. they do have faults.. they do not make the $$ straight away. They work horrible shifts to begin with... are exhausted... constantly studying Two of my siblings are doctors...... and I, although this may sound weird, prayed that I did not marry a doctor. Not that there is anything wrong with it.. but I know their lives. It's not easy...... until they're specialists in XX number of years.. family life.... spousal life *can* be a challenge.

The reason I mentioned the above is not because I think I'm *it* and that I'm better than even a person who is a doctor.. I LOVE my siblings because of what's in their hearts, not what they do. For those wanting to get married, please reflect on exactly what it is that you want in your life... and be very very careful what you ask for...... you may actually get it! ;)

The only thing I ever prayed for was for Allah (swt) to "bring forth what is good and to keep away what is bad" and in my heart as I would pray I would add "and you know what is best for me, better than I do myself.. just give me the strength to deal with whatever comes my way."

In response to the OP re are some people called to be single..? For the most part, I think the answer is no. We are social creatures bgy nature.. we gravitate to being with people (in general).. Islam is a social religion.. not an 'individualistic' one like it is in the West. In the Qur'an we are also told that: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. (30:21)". Inshallah there is that person out there for everyone.

For those who are still single and want to get married, I strongly suggest more inward reflection.. more dua.. more prayer.. And in the meantime, participate in charity/volunteer work... sign-up for short courses you've wanted to do eg learn a language, learn how to make macarons, travel (short/long distances), catch up with family and friends etc etc. There's a lot in life that can keep us busy and fulfilled.. if Mr/s Right is still yet to come along... you'll at least be happier inshallah. There's something to be said about people who are outwardly happy... compared to negative/moody people... positive energy and vibes are very attractive.

Edited by Iman
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This is like your 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000th marriage topic. I am going to give you some advice - I really hope you listen to it. You are obviously suffer

No offence but this is really really bad advice. What in the world does that even mean "aiming high" ?? Islam is about submission to Allah - achieving a PHD is not an indication of any height of spiri

^ its obviously the issue. You arn't married and you are suffering (clearly). We all hope you get married soon - every one wants to see you happy inshaAllah. I think people are tired of your constant

  • Advanced Member

theres nothing wrong with a bachelors. and plenty of people have valid excuses not to persue further degrees. as long as its not because they are not lazy. laziness is not a desirable quality. plenty of peopl;e have drive and ambition to succeeed in their field without obtaining degrees more than a bachelors. take those who work in the financial sector for example, few have higher degrees than a bachelors. so i agree with u on that point. i also find it hypocritical for someone to seek a high level of education from a spouse when they themselves have not achieved to such a level. to me, this means that u r seeking a high level of education for financial gains or as a status symbol and not because u value the importance of knowledge and education. in this day and age, education of our communities, along with eman is what is going to help us change ourselves, our communities and the opinion of muslims in general. knowledge and education is so so important. i would rather be educated and knowledgeable living a financially poor life than financially well endowed but uneducated.

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Education=ibadat, so you can totally lead an Islamic life with education.

Is there no value at all to that piece of paper, kadhim? You don't get anything out of it? The truth is, you learn certain things at university, and certain things from life. Both are valuable. Even if you see no pragmatic value in the things you learn at university, it sets you up for success, and makes you eligible for the better jobs, and climbing up the ladder at work. As someone so aptly pointed out in a different thread, not many of us are like Bill Gates, with the intelligence to make it big as college drop-outs. So, we need that foundation of education. What's wrong with Muslims pursuing success? We SHOULD pursue success so we can gain more influence.

Reasons for me turning down guys have included....bad istikhara, parents not approving, not Ithnasheri. I don't care about the guy's cultural background, and I'm willing to live with his parents. So, are you can see, I actually have VERY flexible standards.Please let me emphasize that SCers seem to think that onenotesong + marriage thread=complaining about lack of education amongst Shia boys. Please note that finding someone educated is not the problem for me, but rather, finding the RIGHT guy.

Edited by OneNoteSong
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Salam Sister,

1) Istikhara is not valid if the decision can be made by aql using guidance of Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) and Ahl Al Bayt(a.s). Istikhara is only vaild when you have two or more equally halal / plausible options and you don't know which one to take. Look it up on the site of your marjaa' as to when istikhara is valid and when it is not. Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) said that 'If a man comes to you for marriage and you find his deen and aklaq to be acceptable, then marry him....' . It doesn't say to do istikhara first

2) If your parents object, you need to find the reason why they are rejecting. If it is anything other than the guy's deen and aklaq, then their objection is not valid and you are not obligate to follow it. Salam.

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If you find a man who does not beat on you, or verbally abuse you, pays your bills, prays to Allah, believes in Al lul bayt, has a job and does not do anything that makes you feel insecure as a woman then you are considered a person with high standards compared to a woman who accepts abuse as apart of Islamic or chirstian life like some women do.

I know women who go with men who makes lots of money but abuses them ( that is not the high standards I am talking about)

I know women who go with men who are broke and have no job and abuses them ( that is not a high standard)

I know women who make abig deal over a man's apperance (that is not high standard)

Finding an honest, sincere person is rare but I realize part of the problem is most people male and female are not truthful about their faults with themselves or their potential spouse.

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(salam)

You're right, there are less excuses to go into higher education, but what i meant was that you can't restrict your future partner to just 'phd' or 'masters' lol, don't you find that a little bit silly? Like i just graduated and that's it, i don't want to do masters or MBA because I want to start pursuing what really matters to me.. I don't want a normal 9-5 job and slave away for just myself, and in my opinion the youth will be asked as to why we didn't utilise ourselves for Islam more so. I want to pursue an 'islamic' career in terms of how benefitting it is for humanity, chariteable work etc. you may want to call me uneducated then because I want to turn down MBA.

I agree. In my case, my desired career only requires a bit more than an undergraduate degree. I may get a Masters "just because", but grad school, masters, and a PhD means I won't be done school until I'm 30 or so. The thought of that doesn't quite interest me - I'd much rather get my desired career in my mid 20s and be married by then. If a woman rejects you on the basis that you don't have a PhD and sees the world in such a 2-dimensional light, then perhaps she's not worth it anyway.

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Education=ibadat, so you can totally lead an Islamic life with education. Is there no value at all to that piece of paper, kadhim? You don't get anything out of it? The truth is, you learn certain things at university, and certain things from life. Both are valuable. Even if you see no pragmatic value in the things you learn at university, it sets you up for success, and makes you eligible for the better jobs, and climbing up the ladder at work. As someone so aptly pointed out in a different thread, not many of us are like Bill Gates, with the intelligence to make it big as college drop-outs. So, we need that foundation of education. What's wrong with Muslims pursuing success? We SHOULD pursue success so we can gain more influence.

Hey miss, 2 pieces of paper. One undergrad, one grad. Did most of the work and credits toward a third piece of paper, too, but that's another story. Was it worth it? Was it valuable to get those papers? I guess yes, it was interesting to do the studying to get those papers, and I did learn quite a bit (though honestly, I probably could have learned more from Wikipedia and self-study and have learned more from Wikipedia and self-study since).

Financially, I suppose. I was able to have an interesting, mid 5 figures white collar professional job with benefits within a year of graduation, which is good. On the downside, I've been paying over $10 000 a year in loan payments for four years now and will be dealing with this for another 4 years yet before I can be free and really start to enjoy the fruits of my labours. (Assuming the world doesn't fall apart in the meantime)

Was it / will it be worth it for me, personally? Ultimately, I guess it will be. A lot of people, it really doesn't though. In fact, financially, for probably most people, university is / is becoming a terrible investment - up to 6 figures of debt investment with hazy, unreliable connection to higher wages? Even law and medicine are extremely shaky prospects financially these days when you factor in debt service for a decade or more after graduation and the lost ability to spend that entails. University is mostly a financial bubble scam run by government, universities, and loan providers.

In terms of "success," a person is honestly better off learning a trade like a plumber, carpenter, electrician. There is a severe labour shortage (workers being imported from abroad to fill demand), it only takes a couple of years of formal training to get certified, isn't super academic, and the costs are low for training - you can get trained at a local community college. Wages are generally higher than those for college graduates (mid 5 figures to low 6 figures) and prospects of finding work in the actual field in a timely fashion much higher. And if one wants book learning, there are plenty of places to get it outside of university.

Edited by kadhim
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Yes, you can have someone who is totally unschooled, but I just don't think he'd understand my limitations since I'm still in my training. He might say he does, but after years, and days in and out of me having an erratic schedule, he would get sick of it. I need someone who has been through something similar so he can understand it. Marriage isn't just about sex, it's also about compatibility.

And honestly, the less educated guys don't even give me a second look. So, that's not even the problem at MY end.

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['Other wise - and im telling you this out of first hand knowledge - you are going to end up like 33 years old and un married and then you will marry ANY ONE out of desperation, it happens allot.

[/quote)

Salaam

Are you trying to say that 33yrs is old?

There are many people in this day of age who are getting married in their early 30's and onwards, there is nothing wrong with this and everyone has their own circumstances in life for this. You shouldn't generalise and make out that if you get married in your 30's that somehow you are desparate and will marry anybody. That is not true. Everything in life sometimes happens for a reason....

Usually at that age people are more confident and understand themselves better than at a younger age so they know who they are looking for in a spouse etc

I have seen many young girls get married at a very young age but have failed marriages as they were not realistic about marriage and it's responsibilities..... So being older does help you to understand life more and it should make you wiser.

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....

Usually at that age people are more confident and understand themselves better than at a younger age so they know who they are looking for in a spouse etc

..... So being older does help you to understand life more and it should make you wiser.

No, marrying older makes you less adjustable for your spouse. Marrying older, when you have tons of money coming, and you think you rule the world, makes ppl more picky and hard to adjust to their spouse.

As far as less divorces for older ones, first of all, this claim is based on wrong stats. All those cultures where ppl are marrying older after drinking from many fountains, the divorce rates are still over 50%. ok, notmthat being put to rest, why the older Muslims don't have many divorce rates, becuase in this age, most ofnthem has lost all drives or are close to it, and don't want to restartntheir lives, so they live in a compromise marriage.

So no marrying older is plain stupid. Otherwise our role models had married older, but they didn't.

RasoolAllah (pbuh) first marriage was when he was 25, Imam Ali (as) was when he was 21. Hz. Khadija was 27 (or some say 40), Syeda Fatima Zahra (as) was 9 or 12...

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It's something more substantial...PERMANENTLY disheartened.

In answer to the question posed as the thread title:

That depends...looking back, have you ever felt any reason ever- to regret any of those past 'potentials' that never worked out?

If not, then good for you!

The best is yet to come - it's out there.

Have tawakkul ( trust ) in Allah - and believe that "what's written for you won't pass you by".

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What do you mean what's written for you won't pass you by?

It means:

The moving finger writes; and, having writ,

Moves on: nor all your piety nor wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,

Nor all your tears wash out a word of it

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yes, some people are destined to be single. look around you and you will see plenty of older unmarried women. whatever Allah swt has in store for you will happen. You do your bit; pray and try to be more known in your community and the rest is in Allah swt's hands. Whatever is best for you will happen. We're all tested in different ways. Some of us will die unmarried, childless and alone but even in that, there is wisdom from Allah swt.

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