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In the Name of God بسم الله

Question On Marriage And Children

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to ImAli

Do you mind me asking what country?

Its UK

No dear...I meant what country is your husband originally from. The reason I ask is because sometimes stereotypes do apply to the behavior of certain people.....it may give us more insight into what is going on.

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Wow at least I learn new things from here already I always thought that money should be 50/50 and ofcourse I offered him money to see if he would be greedy enough but he said no which is good sign I quess in my eyes . I want to trust him but I can't I'd like to think that he is good husband I love him and if I follow my intuition then we are made for each other but then again the need for a child is some times greater than having a husband .i remember from Quran that it's says good wives are for good husbands and bad wives are for bad husbands if I go with that then he must be good because I know I am good wife. Why did God give me then someone who would lie to me ? Recently we were talking about wedding ceremony in his country and he is very happy with the idea would anyone go through all this if they not serious with the person?

Let me assure you that there are many good people who are/were married to bad spouses. The Holy Prophet (pbuh) had bad wives. Imam Hassan (as) had a bad wife and at least another Imam had a bad wife. The wife of the Pharoah in the story of Moses was very good but the Pharoah was the worse person in the world.

In the most ideal situation, a good man should strive to marry a good woman and vise versa.

A good husband cannot deny his wife children. What kind of husband would do that?

You are not yet married in his country? Why not? Does his family know about you?

The thing is i offered him divorce meaning that we can still be married with in this country so he can get his recidency and offered even half of my money and he said he wants me .that offer itself wouldnt be that bad would be if you think he could go and marry whoever he wanted .why he refuse it at least i could be free to search somone else but he doesnt want that so what he is genuine and i will ruin my marriage because of this.would anyone in this forum who writes arabic can find verses from quran or what imams say about this subject so maybe i can show him that and he will understand it better .

Thannk you once again for all the support!

I am reading your post here and I think there is some serious trust issue between the two of you. You are offering him divorce? Why? All you are doing is putting him into a defensive mode. If he was sincere about you, then he might think twice about his long-term plan with you. There is some element of insecurity being with a woman who is thinking about leaving him. If he was insincere about this relationship, then he might fear his career plan and his immigration status. Of course he is not going to take your offer of marriage on paper and commit immigration fraud. Why should he do that when he already has a loyal wife?

And as for offering to pay money, no man is going to take that. Don't you know that men lose their macho-ness each time women offers to pay them?

Edited by Gypsy
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Thank you #33tufguy you brought a smile to my face , its hard to know different cultures and their traditions i coe from country there is no diffrent race at all apart from white and people are quite racist .Even my own paprents didnt support the idea me getting married to Moslem but great thing for europe is that you make your own decisions what applies to marriage .Now i am not worried about my parents they have accepted him .

Mybe here is somoen from lebanon who will enlighten me more about Lebanese shia traditions.I know i dont have perfect knowlege of islam but i try my best and i try to be the best wife i can be ,i even learned to cook and now i cook every singel meal .I have to tell you that it took couple of years before i started to cook before it was only my husband who cooked so hands up for him.And i love his family so much why would anyone let someone so close to their family if its not forever?

And for you shia_ from _Texas i see in you someone genuily cares about other human being .I always wanted a sister it looks like i have found a sister in Islam :)

In my case i dont want to stand up for my husband for what he does i just want to hope for better i feel that i would regret it forever if i act on this and just go and divorce .I never been in any relationship apart from my husband and even though i have had many marriage proposal where i could it have all, i chose him .Would my intuition let me down ?I feel he needs me and if thats called unconditional love then it is or i am compleatly stupied and naive :/

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Thank you #33tufguy you brought a smile to my face , its hard to know different cultures and their traditions i coe from country there is no diffrent race at all apart from white and people are quite racist

Mybe here is somoen from lebanon who will enlighten me more about Lebanese shia traditions.I know i dont have perfect knowlege of islam but i try my best and i try to be the best wife i can be ,i even learned to cook and now i cook every singel meal .I have to tell you that it took couple of years before i started to cook before it was only my husband who cooked so hands up for him.And i love his family so much why would anyone let someone so close to their family if its not forever?

In my case i dont want to stand up for my husband for what he does i just want to hope for better i feel that i would regret it forever if i act on this and just go and divorce .I never been in any relationship apart from my husband and even though i have had many marriage proposal where i could it have all, i chose him .Would my intuition let me down ?I feel he needs me and if thats called unconditional love then it is or i am compleatly stupied and naive :/

No one here knows more about your husband that you. Everything we know about your husband is from your posts. And you have been praising him a lot but you have also said that the fact he is not interested in having children with you is more than you can handle.

You husband is going to be 40 soon. I think by the time someone hits 40, they are already ready for marriage and children. And both of you have been together for five years?

People can be naive and stupid in love. Not saying you are. I am sure most of us have been crazy in love. Nothing to be embarrassed here.

I can see how the culture can be a bit different as you and him are from different country and background.

In Muslim communities, marriages (nikah) are usually a big family and community event. It involves all the family members. You become a part of their family, not just by name but in every sense of the word.

Edited by Gypsy
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You husband is going to be 40 soon. I think by the time someone hits 40, they are already ready for marriage and children. And both of you have been together for five years?

Most lebs have their wife pregnant in the first 6 months of marriage....not all but most.

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yes i lived in Lebanon for 6 months but he doesnt visit that often

he has never been there alone without me since i know him

what else i wanted to ask is that when you get married in mosque and the sheikh is asking how much do you want in gold or money is that money supposed to be paid upfront or when you devorce .I got gold for marrying him but then there was separate paperwork done as well.My husband told me i will never get that money unless divorce is that a common practice in islam ?

and if i am going to do wedding in Lebanonon what should i expect to happen,? What normally happens in wedding ceremony we are married already so is there something i should look out for ?

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It depends on what type of ceremony you are talking about. I had a very simple one with just immediate family around at the court in Beirut. The sheikh married us....we left and had dinner somewhere. I didn't want all of those people around at a big ceremony and getting on my nerves. As for the mahr I got mine up front (well the next day). Also that is good that he doesn't make trips without you and that you lived there. I was worried because I know some guys who hide a wife back home and only treat the one in the other country as temporary....so this is good that you lived there and go on visits with him. After all you have said (if you have told us everything) maybe he just doesn't like kids or he doesn't want that responsibility.

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I got my mahr right after the Nikah.

Do you know why some men wait until their wife asks for divorce before paying the mahr? What if the wife didn't ask for divorce? Does this mean the wife will not get her mahr?

I was worried because I know some guys who hide a wife back home and only treat the one in the other country as temporary....so this is good that you lived there and go on visits with him. After all you have said (if you have told us everything) maybe he just doesn't like kids or he doesn't want that responsibility.

I know a few real world cases and what you describe also happened to one of my friend.

But do you know that most of the time, family back home almost accepted that the single guy working/studying in a western country would have a girlfriend or at least a muta wife. But they still insist on finding a nice girl from back home to be his legal wife. They almost always expect the poor western girl, who is with their son, to take a hike and go to some other guy. That's cruel and demeaning.

Edited by Gypsy
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I know a few real world cases and what you describe also happened to one of my friend.

But do you know that most of the time, family back home almost accepted that the single guy working/studying in a western country would have a girlfriend or at least a muta wife. But they still insist on finding a nice girl from back home to be his legal wife. They almost always expect the poor western girl, who is with their son, to take a hike and go to some other guy. That's cruel and demeaning.

I've seen it happen in my own family.

Edited by ImAli
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I have this nikah in mosque already and i think its like after this you are wife and husband but after that they also have a wedding .I got gold from that marriage in mosque but then i remember my husband was translating what sheihk said that i have to ask something like money or quran or anything i want and i ended up asking 10000 $ and it was agreed but then later when we spoke about it my husband said its only when he asks the divore if i ask i will not get anything ,does that make sense ?

My husband parents are both dead already so what i remember when my husband told his family about me his father liked me but unfortunately i never made it to meet him. He has stepmother though and she loves me loads and loads and i must say she is the most fantastic woman in the world .They teached me arabic there and i was involved in all their daily life .My husband is telling me i am better that lebanese woman and i hope he is honest really love him and i would do anything for him but this topic is also playing in my mind and what you guys say i realise that i am right to be cautious . I have seen many of his friends having foreign girlfriends but noone never had taken their girlfriends to their families and yes i know later on they did marry lebanese woman;/

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^^^^ Sis Mayada, I say you cook a Lebanese meal for your husband, lay out the table all nice with the most expensive plates you own, light scented candles and put some flowers in a vase. You should pop the question half way through dessert as you take his hand and place it in yours. Look up into his Lebanese eyes, and say in your broken english-arabic, " Habibi, I want our legacy to live on. Bady waldak ( I want your kids). We are slowly dying each day, and the time that goes we can never have back. I want to have children with you, so you can spend time with them, before you die of old age. (And when you say these words, make sure to have tears in your eyes.) Then tell him that ana hobak ( I love you), and walk away from him. Then he will rethink it and will agree to your wishes Inshallah.
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Yes , I would advise the OP to put on some ocean sounds to make the environment a more peaceful place...If you dont have an ocean sound track you record pshhhhhhhhhh pshhhhhhhhh pshhhhhhhhh sounds on tape to create the same effect. My family used to put nature sound tracks, back when we had stores. It made the customers feel relaxed and they would buy more stuff. You need to sell him the idea sis! Good luck dear. Edited by ImAli's Shadow
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Dont think the nice dinner will help though ,i have recieved lot of advice from all of you , thank you ! With Gods help i will be ok ,inshallah

Please don't be sad....we were just trying to cheer you up :P

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