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In the Name of God بسم الله

Please Help....looking For My Husband, Urgent

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Peace and Salam, Ramadan is 6 weeks away (approx) so I don't know what he is going to do between now and then. Also, if he is muslim and you are his wife, he is not allowed to abandon you even if you

Salaams, InshAllah he will come back. Allah is with him. However, you can't convert to Islam just for him, you have to convert to Islam for the sake of Allah swt because you know it is the right path.

simply amazing thread from start to finish.....the lord works in mysterious ways

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Peace and Salam,

Ramadan is 6 weeks away (approx) so I don't know what he is going to do between now and then.

Also, if he is muslim and you are his wife, he is not allowed to abandon you even if you are still Christian.

So what he is doing is wrong by not contacting you, leaving you in a state of worry and anxiety.

I live in Dearborn (but it is not a small city though). If I see him at any of the masjids, I will ask him to contact

you.

Also, like the other said, if your going to revert to Islam, the decision should be because you believe

that there is No God except the One True God (we use the name Allah) and Prophet Muhammad is the Messenger

of God. If you belive that, you should become muslim. If you don't, then you shouldn't. It's that simple.

Your marriage is still valid, Islamically, even if you stay Christian and he is obligated to fulfill his responsibilities

as a husband.

Exactly, a person should revert to Islam only if they believe it, not to keep a marriage. Also, no matter what your religion is, he has no right to abandon you like this. As far as what he is going to do between now and Ramadan, he is a drifter from what I gather and it seems like he will just drift in and out of masjids, living on handouts and looking for something that he will never find because he doesn't know what it is. I say, cut your losses and go forward, he wasted enough of your time.

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Thank you to everyone. I posted a detailed message on the "marriage to a christian" discussion. I'm completely exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually. Thank you for the insightful posts. Have a blessed day.

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I just think that there are ways of doing things, even leaving a wife because of religious reasons. I mean, couldn't he have spoken to her face to face and ended the marriage? This just seems cold and mean. Even if she is a Christian, she is still a human being with feelings. If you read the past posts and see how he is a man that runs away whenever things get too much, you'd understand why this upsets me as a woman. Allah doesn't teach us to disregard others' feelings even if they are a different religion than us.

That is right, there are ways of doing things properly. We don't know everything that has happened because we are not witnesses to the situation, but if it is true what kdawn says that he left in this manner without even talking to her about the reasons or even whether he is leaving permanantly or coming back, then this is not right.

She also mentioned that he has left bills unpaid, if this is true, this is very incorrect Islamically, he must talk to his wife and arrange for these things to be sorted out.

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That is right, there are ways of doing things properly. We don't know everything that has happened because we are not witnesses to the situation, but if it is true what kdawn says that he left in this manner without even talking to her about the reasons or even whether he is leaving permanantly or coming back, then this is not right.

She also mentioned that he has left bills unpaid, if this is true, this is very incorrect Islamically, he must talk to his wife and arrange for these things to be sorted out.

Salam alaikum,

It's Johanna

Exactly, this man really has no idea what he just did by abandoning his wife, the kinds of questions that he must now face on the Day of Judgment regarding abandonment, leaving her with no money, leaving her to deal with overdue bills, and just plain leaving her without a thought that she is a person with feelings who once loved him. Some people feel that what he did is fine because he is now Muslim and she isn't. That is not what we are taught and this gives people the impression that Muslims just don't care and are selfish. I feel for her, this is a terrible thing that he did.

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kdawn,

I think you are dealing with an unstable man here. Unstable men are the worst to deal with because they don't think straight and their behaviors are very erratic.

You should also stop blaming yourself or him for the failure in the marriage. Maybe both of you are not very well suited for each other. And people who are married should never harm or hurt their partners in any manner, shape or form. If he has abandoned you, then I don't think there is a point of waiting for him to return. Would you ever trust him if he ever comes back?

Don't worry much about the society. Everyone have skeletons in their closet. You don't really lose much if they talk behind your back. Let them talk and you live your life the way you want to.

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kdawn,

I think you are dealing with an unstable man here. Unstable men are the worst to deal with because they don't think straight and their behaviors are very erratic.

You should also stop blaming yourself or him for the failure in the marriage. Maybe both of you are not very well suited for each other. And people who are married should never harm or hurt their partners in any manner, shape or form. If he has abandoned you, then I don't think there is a point of waiting for him to return. Would you ever trust him if he ever comes back?

Don't worry much about the society. Everyone have skeletons in their closet. You don't really lose much if they talk behind your back. Let them talk and you live your life the way you want to.

Salam alaikum Gypsy,

It is true what you said. I think there is alot of instability here and waiting for him to return is pointless. There is no way that his wife can trust him ever again because it seems that it is his "cycle"....Things get to be too much, he up and goes somewhere, walking away from everything and everyone.

As far as society is concerned, people will always find something to talk about and if they can't find it, they will make it up, so let them talk.

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He called his Mom tonight wanting her to send him $50, I guess by Western Union. She didn't ask him where he was, what he was doing or why he needed $50. I guess he has already used up all the cash he took with him a week ago. I pray for him every day. But I realize the longer he is gone, that he is probably not going to return. I sat here tonight praying over the bills, both past due & current. I looked at my last month's check stub & wondered how I was going to pay all of these bills, which altogether total about $3500. I had told Jonathan that with the overtime he would be getting, we could very well be almost caught up by the end of June. Now I look at these bills & wonder how I'm ever going to get caught up now. All I can do is pray that God will be my husband/provider. I can't borrow any money because we are so behind. The only family I have is my elderly Mom & she lives on her Social Security. Can everyone please pray for me???? I'm devastated. :cry:

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Sis, only you can decide what is best for you, but if I were in your situation, I would do the following things:

1) Go to courthouse and file for divorce (not because you don't love him, but because he left you. It's the fact of it, and being attached to a man in a legal sense that has already left is only going to hurt you later on)

2) Cancel all amenities that cost money that are not essential (i.e. television)

3) I don't know what sort of bills you have to pay but if they are medical, call them up and request "charity service". Explain your situation and maybe they will forgive some or all of your medical debt. I know it may be hard to ask for charity, but it's on the phone and the person on the other end doesn't even know you, so don't be embarrassed. If you have credit cards or debt like that, as a last resort, you could file bankruptcy.

4) If you don't have a job, start applying.

5) I don't know weather you rent or own a home, but if you own, list it for sale. Try to move into a smaller place for just yourself, as it will be much cheaper.

6) Never stop praying. Allah swt can work miracles in ways you would never expect.

Just remember, you can't control your husbands actions, but you can control how you respond to them. I know it may be very emotional and hard for you to even think straight, but the best thing is to try to do everything you can to act "grown up" and get things taken care of, if you can. Don't be afraid to contact a lawyer about what you can do. I bet you could stick your husband with a lot of the bills :P

You will be in my Du'as (supplication).

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Asalam o Alikum which means peace be upon you

Sister I want to tell you that if your husband reverted to shia islam and if he is following ayatulllah sistani in his practices.Ayatullah sistani allows one to do muttah(temporary marriage) with people of book(cristian,zoroastrians and jews).He can live with you just with temporary marriage.You can put many years in its duration but it should not cross your lifetime for example 200 years or 300 years etc.Although one should find which religion is truth because one may face too much difficulty after his/her death.

Note no.1:Some of our jurists allow temporary marriage with people of book and some dont allow it.Ayatullah sistani is one of the jurists which is being followed nowadays in majority by shia public.

Note no.2:If he is coverted to any other sect of islam than I dont know too much about other sects.

You cant be muslim just by saying there is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his messenger.One cannot be muslim just for her husband desire.One should be muslim because he/she find islam as a true religion.

Sorry for any grammatical mistakes.I hope you understood what I said.

Edited by Ahlulbayt~lover
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I talked with his mom this morning & she said he was still in Oklahoma at the Salvation Army. My question is this: he said he was "reverting", which meant he was a muslim before according to his posts here & also what he told me. When he was a muslim before, he was surrounded by other muslims. Therefore, shouldn't he have been more knowledgeable? My concern/arguement was that he was obtaining information mostly from youtube sources that he listened to online every day. I tried to explain to him that just because it was on youtube/internet doesn't make it the truth & he need to seek information from a more credible source. I know that he was the only muslim in our small town, but I can't believe that there weren't others in the nearby city. I know that the prison I work for has a imam come periodically. I had told Jonathan I would talk to the imam the next time I saw him & see if Jonathan could talk with him. I had told Jonathan that we could find out where the nearest mosque was & save up our money to go for the weekend, so he could get the answers he was seeking. From all the signs, I think he just used this as an excuse to leave me. When we met, I was making a very good living, then when the economy went flat & my company threatened lay-offs, I found this job with the state prison system. Yes, it was over 1/2 of what I was making, but at least it was stable. I had tried to find a job with comparable salary to what I had been making, but none were to be found. It seems as we sank deeper into financial despair, he changed. I have an interview on Monday for a professional position which would enable me to become financially secure again & he knew this. I don't know whether he ever truly loved me or was using me. I want to believe he loved me, but just got conflicting answers. From the insights I've gained from this site, I wish he had continued to seek information from here. I don't know whether he went on any other discussions besides the "marriage to a christian". I just hope he does find the truth & quit accepting knowledgeable from non-credible sources. I will keep posting updates. Please continue to pray for him (& me). Blessings

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There's one thing that I can answer for you, and I hope it helps.

The reason it's called reverting instead of converting is because we believe that everyone is born in a state of Islam (submission) at birth and is a Muslim (one who submits). However, they are changed when they grow up by being assimilated into other religions or not being able to grow in their Islam. Therefore, when a person changes from another religion to Islam, they are "reverting" to their original state.

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I just wanted to update everyone. His Mom has not heard from him since she sent him the $50. She asked him to contact her to let her know he received it. I email him at the 3 email addresses & message him on Facebook morning & night. I've checked his email accounts & his facebook, (I have his passwords) & he isn't opening any of the emails or messages. I am fearful for him. His Mom says he usually calls every week or so when he is on "his journeys". I don't know if he is still at the Salvation Army in Oklahoma or he has gone on to Dearborn. I see the bad weather from Oklahoma to Michigan & I worry because he didn't take a coat or a blanket. I did notice he had gotten the porcelin coffee pot from the cabinet, I guess so he could put it on a campfire. I'm on an emotional roller coaster, praying & crying out to God to bring him back to me, so depressed that I can't sleep even taking a sleeping pill, so I work myself into exhaustion to being really angry that he left me this way. Friday night I finally packed his things & have put them into a corner. All that remains is his clothes in the walk-in closet, which I don't use much. I've begged him in my emails & messages to call me so we can talk, because I don't know whether to "move on" or wait for him. Then I go through the emotion of what if I come home & he is waiting on the porch for me or I am at home & he knocks on the door, (he left his keys here), do I run to him & embrace him or slap his face & tell him he was selfish & thoughtless & all that he told me were lies! He promised me that he would NEVER LEAVE ME......but this is the 2nd time, first before when we were dating & now. Many have told me to "move on", but I don't easily abandoned people like that. I guess I'm the fool, because I give others more than a second chance. I proved that by staying with my first husband for over 30 years, trying everything to make it work, even to the point of trying to change me, which pretty much ended up me being a "robot" in my actions, no feelings, couldn't even laugh at funny things. I pray every day, all day, I ask God to show me what to do, give me a clear sign what His Will is for me. I interviewed for the Director of Marketing position & will hopefully get it. I will know within the next week. This job would provide for me financially, giving me financial stability. I pray that I get it. I've been praying a lot since he left....for him, for financial stability (new job), God's Will for my life with/without Jonathan & that my relationship with my daughters be renewed. I haven't gotten a clear sign.......yet. I will keep everyone posted as events happen. I appreciate everyone's comments & prayers through this difficult time of change in my life......so far.....without Jonathan. Have a blessed day.

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What kind of man leaves his wife alone with the bills? Islam does not permit this at all. Keep contact with family is a must in Islam...

I hope everything works out for you. Keep us updated. Maybe some people here can get in contact with him when he goes to Dearborn since we have many Dearborn members here.

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I don't know where he is. Nights are the loneliest. Sunday afternoons we would usually snuggle while watching tv. I didn't sleep at all last night. I did sleep for about 2 hours this afternoon. I have dark circles under my eyes, I guess because of lack of sleep. This morning I felt really ill, was sweating all over & nauseated. I hate coming home to an empty house. I'm glad I have my dogs to help ease some of the pain. I miss him so terribly. In my first marriage, my husband never snuggled, held my hand, massaged my feet, nothing. Jonathan did all that & more. I didn't know what true love was until I met Jonathan. I would've rather not known than to know & have lost it. All I want is for him to come back to me. I don't understand why he won't talk to me. I encouraged him, yes we had our arguements, but I never did him the way his ex-wife did. I was & am faithful to him. I told him all the time how much I loved him & showed him by having a bubble bath ready for when he got home from work, by candlelight. I will always blame myself for all of this. I don't know how much longer I can go on without him. It's all that I can do to get out of bed in the mornings. My world has completely fallen apart. I'm totally alone, no one calls, no one cares.

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Received a telephone call this morning, I didn't get the Director of Marketing job. I don't know what to do now. I had been praying to get that job so I could have financial security, now all my hope is gone. I'm alone & no one cares. I'm beginning to not even care anymore, what's the use? Everytime I have hope, it gets squashed. All I want is to go to sleep & not wake up. I can't take all this turmoil anymore. No one calls to check on me, emails me or texts me. All I have is my dogs. I have always been there for everyone else in their time of need, but why am I left to be alone???? I know it's not anyone elses problems, I appreciate all the posts. I don't want to continue to post & bring everyone down. That's not what I believe this site is for. So thanks again & have a great life. I will can be contacted at: kdawn1103@gmail.com if you have any comments. I haven't felt well lately, so maybe my end is near.

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kdawn,

you have to stop wallowing in self-pity. By this rate you will spiral into depression.

You didn’t get the job you wanted, apply other positions. Keep on looking until you get a job offer.

You husband severed ties and abandoned you with no word? Then you think about getting him out of your mind and your life. Find out about legal proceeding to dissolve the marriage. Once you are legally separated, you will be able to think about moving on. You can’t move on if he is still legally married to you.

Working out usually helps. It may make you feel better. Think of sport activities that would cheer you up. At the very least, try running or walking for a few miles.

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kdawn,

you have to stop wallowing in self-pity. By this rate you will spiral into depression.

You didn’t get the job you wanted, apply other positions. Keep on looking until you get a job offer.

You husband severed ties and abandoned you with no word? Then you think about getting him out of your mind and your life. Find out about legal proceeding to dissolve the marriage. Once you are legally separated, you will be able to think about moving on. You can’t move on if he is still legally married to you.

Working out usually helps. It may make you feel better. Think of sport activities that would cheer you up. At the very least, try running or walking for a few miles.

I bet you're one of those tiger moms :D

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When I got to work this morning, his mom wanted me to call her. She told me that he had called her @ 7:45 this morning & was in St. Louis on an 8 hour bus lay over to Dearborn. She said he asked about me & she told him that I was hurting really bad & he told her to tell me he was sorry. She told him that we loved him & wanted him to come home & he said, "I know, but I have to do this mom". He's supposed to call her in another few days. What is the "Shia Islam Jafari School of thought"? Is it a place in Dearborn that he could be going? I found a notepad with that written on it. It hasn't been a good week. I got off work at 9 pm only to find that my truck wouldn't start. I was able to get someone to jump it off with jumper cables to drive the 36 miles home. When I got home, I let it run in the drive for 15 minutes without the lights & turned it off. When I tried to start it, it was dead. I'm supposed to be at work at 10:30 am tomorrow, which means I have to leave her by 9:30 am. I guess I'm going to have to take off & try to find someone to help me get it jumped off again, then see if I can find someone to look at it to tell me what's wrong. I shouldn't have to go through this. He should be here to help me. But yet he is off "finding himself", while I'm here taking care of all the "adult problems of life"!!! He won't call & talk to me like a man, he keeps hiding behind his mom because, "he can't deal with confrontation". It must be nice to go through life without having to EVER deal with "confrontation". I don't know where you go to find that "place", but no where as far as I know is exempt from it, even in all religions. I guess if he doesn't like what he's being told in Dearborn, he will consider that "confrontation" & run from it as well. I don't know about the shia muslim faith, but I don't know of any religion that says its ok to "run from your problems, just because you don't want to deal with them". Sorry.....I'm just really ANGRY at him for leaving me to pick up all the pieces.

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What is the "Shia Islam Jafari School of thought"?

A school of thought is just like a branch within a branch of Islam. The word in Arabic is madhab.

Shia refers to shia'tul Ali (the party/faction of Ali) which means we follow Ali as Imam/Caliph instead of Abu Bakr.

Jafari refers to us following Imam Jafar's son Musa as the 7th Imam instead of Ismail, who the Ismaili's follow

Islam is our religion!

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I'm so sorry for you, I really hope and pray that this problem is sorted out very soon inshAllah. No, no religion says its okay to run away from your problems, your husband was wrong with leaving you without warning. I hope he realises his mistake soon enough to man up and call you. I hope everything works out for you :(

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When I got home, I let it run in the drive for 15 minutes without the lights & turned it off. When I tried to start it, it was dead. I'm supposed to be at work at 10:30 am tomorrow, which means I have to leave her by 9:30 am. I guess I'm going to have to take off & try to find someone to help me get it jumped off again, then see if I can find someone to look at it to tell me what's wrong.

There is something in your car that is draining the battery. Tomorrow, once you get your car jump-started, go for a drive for half an hour. Re-charge the battery. Then shut the car, step out and lock the car. Wait outside for a few minutes, see and listen to the noise. Does the light shuts down? Is the radio silent. Find the cause of it.

I am assuming your car battery is still good. If it is not good, then you may need to get another battery.

If you cannot find anyone to help you jump-start the car, buy a second car battery. Hook up the second battery with the first. Start your car, don't touch anything.

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Thanks to everyone for their posts. First, thank you Ja'far for the explanation. I guess I'm just grasping at straws trying to find him to talk to him. If I could afford to go to Dearborn & knew where to look, I would go. I don't think he will mention anything about me or if he does, he probably won't tell the whole story. I had told his mom that I was worried because he didn't take a blanket or coat & she said that's the way he does, he will "panhandle" to get what he needs. I guess she's right, because he keeps borrowing others cell phones to call her. I pray daily that God will place people in his path to find the truth & realize what he has done by leaving me. I send emails morning & night to the 3 email addresses that I know he has, but I don't see he is opening any of them. I check his Facebook, nothing. It's very heart wrenching. I'm trying to hold fast to God's promises, but the struggle is getting so burdensome. With regards to my truck, I contacted the auto parts store that I had purchased the old battery & he sent someone to come check my battery. The battery was dead, so the guy replaced it with a new one. He also checked my alternator, which was fine. I had a little bit of the warranty left on my old battery & the store gave me a discount, but I still had to pay $78. Which is better than having to purchase a new alternator. I hoped it wasn't the alternator because I had it replaced in 2010. I was able to make it to work on time. I became overheated at work while delivering commissary to the offenders, so I'm not feeling well now. I have to go to work at 6 am for inventory tomorrow. Then another long, lonely weekend. I keep praying that God will send me some true friends that I can do things with, (i.e., have over for a cookout, be invited to dinner, etc.), but none so far. Everyone I know is a "couple" & do things as such. The one single lady I do know, all she wants to do is go to bars & drink. I don't want to do that. That's not me. I pray God will help both Jonathan & I to find our way & find happiness.

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Here's something you can do that would be very helpful inshallah (god willing).

E-mail the Dearborn Mosque. Tell them everything that you know, describe your husband in detail, give them pictures even. Maybe they can find and talk some sense into him. It's worth a shot anyway. Just be respectful :D

admin@icofa.com is the email address.

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Thank you so much for the email address. I will email them & send a pic to them. I pray that someone can talk some sense into him. Thank you again. I truly appreciate everyone's support & willingness to listen/respond & help. It has really helped.

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I sent the email with 3 pictures of him and told them what had happened. I hope they can find him & talk to him. All I want is for him to come home & stop running away. We are supposed to be married, but yet he doesn't want to work through the normal married problems of life. Jonathan wears glasses, but I don't know how to upload that photo to this site. Please continue to pray for him....& me. I'm trying my best to make it through each day. The nightmares are getting worse. Weekends are the hardest. I didn't go to bed until after midnight last night, got up at 4 am to get ready to go to work by 6 am to do inventory. After I got home, I laid down on the couch & fell asleep from total exhaustion. My mind keeps spinning/swirliing. I don't like going to bed alone without him.

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He called his Dad Thursday morning. He told his Dad that he had been re-routed to Ohio, but should be in Detroit in about an hour, which I understand is about 8 miles from Dearborn. So he's called his parents two days in a row. I'm hoping he's getting homesick. His birthday is July 2. I wish he was home to celebrate it. I haven't slept all weekend. I try, but I can't. I'm trying to move forward, but having difficulty. All I've done is lie around & watch tv. Everytime I eat, I get nauseated. I just can't give up on my husband, even if he has given up on me. Please pray for my husband. I miss him terribly. His mother says he doesn't like confrontation & she is surprised he waited this long before leaving. Is it wrong to want to solve problems instead of running away? Should I just keep my mouth shut, when we really have problems that need to be dealt with? Thank you everyone.

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