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Goku

When Is One Ready For Marriage?

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Sallam Alykum,

I was wondering when is one truly ready for marriage. Many of you here are married so if you can kindly list the different stages one must reach for marriage; some such as financial backing or educational backing, etc.

Basically, what do you think a guy needs to be ready for marriage.

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I feel I was ready when I was 3 yrs old with my new found interest in opposite sex. But my parents never agreed and didn't let me marry.

With my bad ogling habits, by 4 yrs old, I noticed all my aunties had quit bringing their daughters to our home. Oh well, it was tough growing up!!!! 10 years down the road, that is when I was 14, I realized life is not fair to young men like me so I decided to spend more time studying and in sports.

Hope my fake two cents add up for you brother. :)

Edited by Waiting for HIM

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This is a hard question to be honest. It's like asking yourself: "Are you ready for death?". Everything in life may change after marriage. Like marriage, there can be many types or forms of death both good ones and bad ones, unimaginably agonizing ones and real easy ones. There can be people willing or even looking for it for different reasons, and there can be people who dread it like anything, for different reasons. Same goes for marriage.

Just always pray that you get treated very kindly in both death and in marriage, and pray that you also receive the acumen to deal with it, and pray that it happens when it is the right time, and pray that you get the right kind of partner, children and a noble and steady means of sustenance to provide for them.

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Whatever you do, don't take too long. After 40 years of age you are significantly less likely to marry. That is because the blood level of the male hormone testosterone starts to become low enough after 40, which will make you dread having to raise children or support a wife even more if you're the thinking sort. When it comes to (non-mahram) females, men use testosterone to think. It is in its highest abundance and efficacy during the onset of youth. It also gives physical strength in the form of more muscular mass to man's body.

After long and careful thought and accounting for the related Islamic and scientific knowledge, I have concluded that the abundance of this testosterone by design, is very much responsible for the continuation of our species. Without it, we would have become extinct very quickly. Because man is a quick tempered and impatient biological machine, he could not have otherwise put up with the constant nagging and complaining of a wife in absence of the sufficient doses of testosterone in his blood!~ And he puts up with the pestilence and never ending financial burden of his children because of self admiration since the children are partly his own genetic copies, that will survive him even after his death. Sorry I went a little off topic but its interesting, yes? ^^^

Look at the nations where the indigenous or native populations of the region are dropping sharply because of their avoidance of having babies and they are taking in lots of immigrants to provide manpower to their countries. It is because of their unnatural way. They use contraception techniques or even abortions. Thats sick and unnatural, and they're suffering for that. The point is that the whole package is not meant for pleasure or romance only but rather the main purpose of it is for raising families so that mankind or any different tribe of it may not become extinct. THIS was kept in mind during the design, obviously.

As for the less secular then, the saying of Imam Hussain (as) should suffice when he said that only those who seek the pleasure of God from marriage are the successful ones, and not those who seek beauty, not those who seek lust, or a higher status, or power from joining a powerful family.

Edited by Abu Dujana

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brother i humbly suggest to you something to consider

why do you want to get married? just to satisfy this desire for sex?

think about it

your going to put a whole new person in your life, who has a background, a soul, family, love, hate, bias, chronology etc under the pretext of only satisfying for a few measly seconds that lower self?

your whole life is going to need change, your going to need to earn money, perhaps stop studying, move away from your dear parents, and in the end just for a few minutes and seconds of release?

in reality you will look for a women who appeases you on the physical level, so in the initial stage you will only look to marry a "sexual object" and later on you might discover the real her, and maybe hate her or like her, because in reality you are desperate, and Islam is not very flexible on time and getting to know the woman, when finding a bride, especially with parents and all their prejudice gets involved,and the overprotective father(due to society) and maybe jealous or anxiety filled mother(due to her attachment with her child) you will be falling into nothing more then tons and tons of new problems for only a few seconds of release

maybe you might "love" this girl for 2,3, 5 years, but eventually you will get "used" to her, however your urges will have become stronger, and you have taken on a new habit of sex as a base need, so now even if you dont get along with this girl and divorvce her and go through all the hardship leading up to it and after it(especially if children are involved), or you get along with her just fine, but your body is now used to sex, suddenly you become curious for other flavours(just like when your hungry at first milk was enough, but then eventually you need italian or some complex dish because your desire is bored now and needs new excitement) so the nafs is s stronger, your busy with life and all the new hardships and problems you face, the new demands your wife and you have, the boredom or tastes you acquire or conjure due to all the experiences you created, and your spirituality has been crucified and forgotten, your always tired and you dont have to sleep , not to mention pray the basics just like the hadeeth from imam ali about this life been similar to sea water which the more you drink the thirstier you become until eventually you die

think about all this, this is all and far more then this to be considered

or there is the other option, overcome and destroy your nafs(the lifestyle of the prophets and imams) and let God guide you and match you up in life, so that if God decides to marry you off, so be it, it will be a perfect smooth marriage without any problems which will bless you and not curse your life into perdition due to following the lusts if you choose the first option, or perhaps u stay a bachelor your whole life, but that wont atter when you wont have the desires which you long destroyed and moved towards God

the choice is yours, and the reality is true and spoken, just look around you if you need to see the truth of it more

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They are impossible, REPEAT, IMPOSSIBLE to control.

If sexual desire is really IMPOSSIBLE to control before marriage, then why has Allah ordered single people to control their desires if they cannot get married? Is Allah Talla unjust that He would ask us to do something that is impossible?

If it is impossible to be chaste before marriage, then justice demands that Allah should allow unmarried people to indulge in sins (astaghfirullah)

Also, if it is impossible to control sexual desire, then unmarried people should not even try to be chaste (because by this logic, it would be useless to try to achieve a goal which is impossible.

Of course, the fact is that it is NOT IMPOSSIBLE to control sexual desire, even if a person is single. Islam has advised early marriages because it makes it easier to avoid sins, but this does not imply that chastity is impossible without marriage.

A man came to the Prophet (s) and complained of his inability to get married. The Prophet(s) did not say to him without marriage, it would be impossible to avoid sins. Instead, he acknowledged that the person had genuine reasons to stay unmarried and thus advised him to fast. This is proof that sexual desire CAN BE CONTROLLED even without married life.

I believe that if unmarried people are repeatedly told that it is impossible to stay chaste without marriage, then it makes them hopeless, depressed and frustrated that they are being asked by Islam to perform something that is impossible. With this thinking, many people would be discouraged and would not even try to avoid sins. Therefore, we should never say that chastity cannot be attained without marriage. Rather, we should encourage unmarried people by saying that it is fully possible to avoid sins as long as marriage does not become possible, by fasting and using other desire-suppressing-methods advised by islam.

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I would tell my sons to get married when they are mature, can handle responsibility, and can support his wife (that means have a steady job). Then by all means get married.

A large factor depends on the parents ability to get the children to the stage where they're mature early, can offer them financial stability or train them to be financially independent at a 'young' age; young in the context of today's age meaning mid-teens.

Unfortunately some children, due to upbringing, don't reach that till at least mid-20s.

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hahahahahhahaha Zahra !!

Well, Goku, I think having a job is when someone is ready to get married. I mean, you can get married now and finish college at the same time. It doesn't have to be "ohhh my gosh I can't financially support my wife" and blah blah blah. As long as you can afford a place to live at, and have money to eat, then that's when you are ready. Then when you graduate, you can have children and you'll have no problems inshallah.

Honestly in my opinion you should get married as SOON as you realize that you cannot control your sexual desires. They are impossible, REPEAT, IMPOSSIBLE to control.

Says who? Maybe for you.

Allah gave us women 9/10 sexual desires, and you men got 1/10, yet we control it perfectly. Stop complaining and saying how it's impossible to control and that if someone finished college and isn't married yet, they either masturbated or had zina. Some college students only concentrate on their studies during their college years. Then, after they're done, comes the fun.

But with that being said, I agree with you on people getting married earlier.

Edited by Walkin' Fashion Statement

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I think the point Kirmani was trying to make is that they are near-impossible to control. As he has said, one can only go so far as to suppress those urges, until he eventually vents it out through masturbation or some other form of Zina if no Halaal venues are available.

Ya Aba: You read my mind. Parents should be raising their kids such that they mature waaaay before their 20's. Otherwise it's nothing but cruelty on them to have to suffer celibacy for years on end.

Edited by HellHound

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I feel I was ready when I was 3 yrs old with my new found interest in opposite sex. But my parents never agreed and didn't let me marry. With my bad ogling habits, by 4 yrs old, I noticed all my aunties had quit bringing their daughters to our home. Oh well, it was tough growing up!!!! 10 years down the road, that is when I was 14, I realized life is not fair to young men like me so I decided to spend more time studying and in sports. Hope my fake two cents add up for you brother. :)

funny......

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when you're old enough to stop thinking with your private part and understand the effects of your actions on another persons life in the long term. Being a good enough husband through understanding that you are going to change someones WHOLE LIFE forever should make you think three times before you jump to a conclusion about anything.

Money isn't everything and thinking that we are in some way so holy is going to be a downfall.

Remember that the shayton will always work and try his best to influence you so slow down before you get married and after you get married. We have to use our Aqil at all times.

if you can do these things and provide moral support too then maybe you might be ready to get married but don't rush things...

Edited by Socially-Anonymous

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I think its the modern age and globalization that have badly influenced the sacred institution of marriage. They've taken a long time and worked on women, who are generally already a bit weak minded as in they're a lot more susceptible to fall for shiny things, fake greener pastures, that kind of stuff. Like when Eve got fooled by Satan, and Adam forgot, and look how that ended. A woman can be a PHD, a engineer, anything, but she will remain a woman. All she will have in mind when she comes to her new home, her husband's place, is the deep rooted phobia and concern for her "equality to man" and "rights". That indoctrination through TV and society etc. will therefore turn her into a territorial and wary thing. If the husband happens to have a mum in his house, another woman, then most probably a series of petty and silly skirmishes will ensue. Thats also a TV thing and so it must be followed. That PHD or whatever higher education she may have is not worth a dime if thats her nature. Heck, most such highly educated women only quickly become obese house wives who will scream at the kids, nag the husband and not care for any consequences. Just like Eve.

Albeit marriage and raising a family is (or used to be) a necessary thing for a true Muslim. I mean it must have been so much easier before all this Western globalization and cultural invasion + mass indoctrination nonsense. They make them wear mini skirts in public over there and they think thats their "right" and "proper place" in society while every gawking sick white garbage man enjoys looking at those legs. Sheesh. How stupid. And our women -- I have absolutely no clue what actually are their grievances and proper rights. Even they can't explain that. And they don't need to. Because we, the men, are guilty until proven innocent in this day and age. We must pull the sled, because thats our job.~ With that heap of fat and emotional blackmailing and nagging "muslimah" and her worthless high education sitting over it. Now thats a lot of goddamned weight. I hope your prepared kids. :P

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(salam)

There are two sides here. The religious perspective and the cultural perspective .

The religious perspective listens to the human body . According to our Hadith, Islam encouraged people to get married early in order to avoid sinning (Zina) and to fulfill half of yoru deen

The cultural perspective which the society is following today tells you to wait, have a degree, get a job and be financially stable. Notice how cultural perspective focuses a lot on materialism but religious side focuses more on the human body and ways to purify the soul ..The religious perspective pulls you more towards your goal of life which is to achieve closeness to Allah (swt)

Chose which one you want to follow . There's a brother who mentioned that you can still get married and live with your parents until you finish college/uni .. and are financially stable . This answer responds to both : cultural and religious side .

Edited by -Enlightened

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(salam)

There are two sides here. The religious perspective and the cultural perspective .

The religious perspective listens to the human body . According to our Hadith, Islam encouraged people to get married early in order to avoid sinning (Zina) and to fulfill half of yoru deen

The cultural perspective which the society is following today tells you to wait, have a degree, get a job and be financially stable. Notice how cultural perspective focuses a lot on materialism but religious side focuses more on the human body and ways to purify the soul ..The religious perspective pulls you more towards your goal of life which is to achieve closeness to Allah (swt)

Chose which one you want to follow . There's a brother who mentioned that you can still get married and live with your parents until you finish college/uni .. and are financially stable . This answer responds to both : cultural and religious side .

Erm no, it is not so black and white. It simply depends on individual circumstances. How is it a religiously sound choice for an immature teenager to get married when his immaturity/lack of stability will quite obviously lead to a divorce? And how is it a culturally sound choice to put off marriage for a reasonably mature younger person who could well benefit from such an institution?

Marriage is life altering choice with all kinds of implications, sometimes it is better to wait, at other times it is not, just depends.

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Erm no, it is not so black and white. It simply depends on individual circumstances. How is it a religiously sound choice for an immature teenager to get married when his immaturity/lack of stability will quite obviously lead to a divorce? And how is it a culturally sound choice to put off marriage for a reasonably mature younger person who could well benefit from such an institution?

Marriage is life altering choice with all kinds of implications, sometimes it is better to wait, at other times it is not, just depends.

Yes i agree, maturity is important . But there are people who mature at age 15-16.. other people who don't even mature till they are 30. . They still act like kids .

still , fearing a divorce shouldn't be a barrier from getting married .

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On 7/22/2012 at 6:00 PM, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum.

I would tell my sons to get married when they are mature, can handle responsibility, and can support his wife (that means have a steady job). Then by all means get married.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

That philosophy is what is destroying are communities today.

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Not sure why you think so...

Maturity is a must. No one wants a kid, it gets unbearable and pointless.

Being responsible is also a must. Someone who constantly forgets his or her duties is only bearable for a couple of months. No one would like to befriend such person, let alone marrying or living with him/her.

A job... I would say something one does with his time. Being 24/7h at home doing nothing isn't healthy. It may actually destroy someone in the long run. I don't find it so important in the economical side as I find it in the daily routine. I almost become depressed the last time I stayed at home two weeks without doing anything.

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It's quite obvious what the brother means. People should be married young otherwise they can fall into sin. This is a simple rule.

The concept of adulthood at 18 and other similar concepts will cause teenagers (who are Islamically phyiscally mature) to go through years of suffering from sin.

We are told it is better to marry young. This concept of adulthood is alien to Islam.

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12 minutes ago, Marbles said:

Wow really! Is that why some people never grow up?

My favourite Liberal, did you not understand my comment properly? Read properly;

This concept of adulthood is alien to Islam.

Meaning the concept of 18 = adult.

:) Hope it makes sense now, if you still don't understand bro, I'll draw you a diagram.

Edited by The Batman

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2 minutes ago, The Batman said:

My favourite Liberal, did you not understand my comment properly? Read properly;

This concept of adulthood is alien to Islam.

Meaning the concept of 18 = adult.

:) Hope it makes sense now, if you still don't umderstand bro, I'll draw you a diagram.

Oh no. I was so happy I had found an Islamic justification for not growing up.

You broke my heart :cry:

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On 8/7/2012 at 1:10 PM, King said:

Erm no, it is not so black and white. It simply depends on individual circumstances. How is it a religiously sound choice for an immature teenager to get married when his immaturity/lack of stability will quite obviously lead to a divorce? And how is it a culturally sound choice to put off marriage for a reasonably mature younger person who could well benefit from such an institution?

Marriage is life altering choice with all kinds of implications, sometimes it is better to wait, at other times it is not, just depends.

 

This is not wrong in and of itself.

 

However, just as we must acknowledge that biological maturity is something that is based on something universal (and not bound by any era or society), we must acknowledge that the maturity which you speak of is entirely dictated by social norms. For example, in a war torn society, perhaps a 10 year old is considered an adult (because he/she had no choice but to act as one), whereas in a prosperous society which knows nothing but peace, someone can effectively extend their childhood into their 20s or even their 30s.

 

I am not saying the war-torn society is good. I am saying that just because a society is in peace does not mean that this notion of suspended immaturity should be encouraged. I knew an Iranian lady once. She was married and in her early 30s. She said she does not want a child yet because she considers herself a child! This is a backwards way of thinking any way you slice it. In the name of "waiting to become mature," people are effectively shirking their responsibilities.

 

FYI I am not knocking the people who sincerely seek marriage or family and fall short. What they are doing is a jihad fee sabeelillah and they will be rewarded as if they succeeded. Our taklif is not the result but the will.

 

Second point (kind of the same point as above but in a different way): maturity doesn't grow on trees. It has to be fostered. If someone, even if they are young, is given a new responsibilities, guess what, that makes them more mature. Some people are more resistant to it than others. Some people need a bit more plodding than others. But it definitely is not something that just "happens." Hence: whereas teenage marriages were very common (both in Islamic and Western societies) just a century ago, nowadays it seems that most people get married in their 30s. Again: there is nothing wrong with this on an individual level; people have different circumstances and are deserving of understanding. However, as a social phenomenon, this clearly transcends any individual circumstances and it becomes a problem.

 

Thanks God, it is still considered normal amongst Muslims to get married in your early 20s. But in some Muslim countries that age is being gradually pushed up. This should be avoided.

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