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Guest LadyNadine

Why Is It Hard To Get Married

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It's harder If ur a revert so u have to go through these insane obstacles and build years of "rapport", far as born Muslims? The men are ready and the women are picky. In my opinion all these people who say they really wanna get married are not really wanting to get married and set their own self made obstacles in the way.

I totally agree with you , If you set your mind to getting married i dont think there would be anything that would stand in your way.

But like me i am planning myself to get married , i plan that i should have a fixed income , a way i can support my wife and Kids inshllaha , planning is also a good way to get your self ready for marrige also :)

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Guest Inspiration

I agree. People are way insecure about the revert. As born Muslim it is harder. But what about Muslims just coming I to the faith? I bet it is much harder for them as well

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I totally agree with you , If you set your mind to getting married i dont think there would be anything that would stand in your way.

But like me i am planning myself to get married , i plan that i should have a fixed income , a way i can support my wife and Kids inshllaha , planning is also a good way to get your self ready for marrige also :)

InshaAllah khair

Nadine I don't think it would be. They already have a family that's Muslim to speak for them or usually meet a "known ethnicity" for being Muslims. Unless this person has a bad reputation.

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Guest Monad

the difficulty part is not the criteria, as we all change as we age. It is knowing people who can find what you are looking for and are willing to help.

If one wants A and lives in B, but A is at C, then you would need someone at B, who knows someone at C who can help you find the A's. Too many times people say and think "they know who is good for you", which is false because only "you" know what is good for you, but advice is always good and acceptable to see both sides of the coin.

Also society makes us feel rejection is bad. If we were ingrained from a young age to believe it is part of life, all of us would take it more easily on the cheek.

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There is rarely any good men out there. Especially in the west. If I get married I wouldn't marry the ones in the west. Back home is always better. When they come to Canada, America or any other country in the west.... they change.

Guys have exactly the same complaint against woman folk you know...

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Our long, never-ending check lists have made it hard for us to get married in this day and age.

Previously, with our ancestors, marriage was so simple and easy. Most couples would see each other for the first time on their wedding nights. And they went on to have great marriages with lots of kids

Anyone here wiling to have a "blind" marriage? I don't think so!

Salaam aleykom

yes thier marriage was simple, but far from happy..I mean we suffer in our generation because we are the result of thier success and failor, not our own..

it's their teachings, thier faith, their list of criteria, thier materialistic view of life..

if I was raised with other parents, let's say, parents that dont care/limit the influence of money on thier lives, parents focus on islam and religion rather than being the best in school..I would be different

DON'T missunderstand me, I have great parents, and I love them most of all

and education is very important for me, I wouldn't leave university if I could choose.

BUT..I should admit that what I am now is what my parents taught...I can change, but not so much..and elhamdlillah I have changed alot alhamdlillah

then all the cultural problems we are talking about, racism, materialism, secularism...where did that come from?? our ancestors

But when it comes to our generation

yes, change alittle bit (not to confuse our parents totally :) )

and there are good people out there, but we are afraide of each other, honestly, we in this thread, are the same out side in the real world, but we wouldn't trust each other..

you find the guy watching a muslim girl typing on her laptop nonstop he would go...God knows who is she talking to now...asthaghfer Allah...

well, she is on shiachat commenting your post :) hehehe

joking

no, but we talk alot here, critisizing and wishing and I dont know what...then in reality..I want to marry a tall handsome guy with good job (good genes :)) and good salary (I dont want to worry about shopping, and my children should go to private school, public schools are for regulars)...and he should accept me as I am !!! Bloody Hell, and who are you???

and he says, she must be beautiful like the sun (and fair)...and dreamy (fair)..and her fairy smile takes my heart out of my chest (fair)..and she shouldn't ask about money!! I mean you are my husband, what should I ask you about, the weather??? :)

well, sorry everyone, but it's the fault of our and our parents' generations..and we have to introduce changes to save our children...

well, you see my point

inshaAllah because we are aware of the problem, we can introduce changes and solutions..blaming each other wont help, because its not totally true

have faith everyone, Allah Kareem

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Guest Inspiration

Salaam aleykom

yes thier marriage was simple, but far from happy..I mean we suffer in our generation because we are the result of thier success and failor, not our own..

it's their teachings, thier faith, their list of criteria, thier materialistic view of life..

if I was raised with other parents, let's say, parents that dont care/limit the influence of money on thier lives, parents focus on islam and religion rather than being the best in school..I would be different

DON'T missunderstand me, I have great parents, and I love them most of all

and education is very important for me, I wouldn't leave university if I could choose.

BUT..I should admit that what I am now is what my parents taught...I can change, but not so much..and elhamdlillah I have changed alot alhamdlillah

then all the cultural problems we are talking about, racism, materialism, secularism...where did that come from?? our ancestors

But when it comes to our generation

yes, change alittle bit (not to confuse our parents totally :) )

and there are good people out there, but we are afraide of each other, honestly, we in this thread, are the same out side in the real world, but we wouldn't trust each other..

you find the guy watching a muslim girl typing on her laptop nonstop he would go...God knows who is she talking to now...asthaghfer Allah...

well, she is on shiachat commenting your post :) hehehe

joking

no, but we talk alot here, critisizing and wishing and I dont know what...then in reality..I want to marry a tall handsome guy with good job (good genes :)) and good salary (I dont want to worry about shopping, and my children should go to private school, public schools are for regulars)...and he should accept me as I am !!! Bloody Hell, and who are you???

and he says, she must be beautiful like the sun (and fair)...and dreamy (fair)..and her fairy smile takes my heart out of my chest (fair)..and she shouldn't ask about money!! I mean you are my husband, what should I ask you about, the weather??? :)

well, sorry everyone, but it's the fault of our and our parents' generations..and we have to introduce changes to save our children...

well, you see my point

inshaAllah because we are aware of the problem, we can introduce changes and solutions..blaming each other wont help, because its not totally true

have faith everyone, Allah Kareem

I agree with you, however, we can't just simple blame our ancestors. We have to be pro-active as well. Our parents are not pro-active as well as our friends and ourself. Everyone is looking for their own. I know sooo many single people and their friends are married. Friends don't set up friends to be married. Parents don't either.

I think because a lot believe or don't know what we simply are looking for, which leads to us to survival of fittest. However, we don't know how to approach marriage either.

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@ Inspiration

Depending where you come from and the sect you follow marriage can be difficult or easy. My family comes from a sunni back ground and subhanallah I can say that for sunnis marriage is easy thing, atleast from my observation. I guess this could be due to their massive number Allahu A3lem. I have never heard anyone from family members or friends who ever complained about not being married or having difficulties in doing so. Am the only girl in my family who's not married yet cuz I chosed to not to. For us Shia, despite knowing we're very low number we can't help but argue at every little pity things, this sayed and non sayed issues, marje3iyah issues, the devission we see in our shia communities... and also remember as muslim women we're not allowed to marry non muslims so the choice is very limited. However I strongly believe it all comes from Allah, one needs to have tawfeeq from Allah to get what they want in this life. There are people out there who dont deserve to be marred bcos of their akhlaq or luck of connection with Allah but yet are married anyway. It's all a test from Allah, so have strong emaan and InshaAllah will come sooner than you think. Until then, there's so much we can do in our lives, life is still fun.

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Salaam aleykom

yes thier marriage was simple, but far from happy..I mean we suffer in our generation because we are the result of thier success and failor, not our own..

it's their teachings, thier faith, their list of criteria, thier materialistic view of life..

if I was raised with other parents, let's say, parents that dont care/limit the influence of money on thier lives, parents focus on islam and religion rather than being the best in school..I would be different

DON'T missunderstand me, I have great parents, and I love them most of all

and education is very important for me, I wouldn't leave university if I could choose.

BUT..I should admit that what I am now is what my parents taught...I can change, but not so much..and elhamdlillah I have changed alot alhamdlillah

then all the cultural problems we are talking about, racism, materialism, secularism...where did that come from?? our ancestors

But when it comes to our generation

yes, change alittle bit (not to confuse our parents totally :) )

and there are good people out there, but we are afraide of each other, honestly, we in this thread, are the same out side in the real world, but we wouldn't trust each other..

you find the guy watching a muslim girl typing on her laptop nonstop he would go...God knows who is she talking to now...asthaghfer Allah...

well, she is on shiachat commenting your post :) hehehe

joking

no, but we talk alot here, critisizing and wishing and I dont know what...then in reality..I want to marry a tall handsome guy with good job (good genes :)) and good salary (I dont want to worry about shopping, and my children should go to private school, public schools are for regulars)...and he should accept me as I am !!! Bloody Hell, and who are you???

and he says, she must be beautiful like the sun (and fair)...and dreamy (fair)..and her fairy smile takes my heart out of my chest (fair)..and she shouldn't ask about money!! I mean you are my husband, what should I ask you about, the weather??? :)

well, sorry everyone, but it's the fault of our and our parents' generations..and we have to introduce changes to save our children...

well, you see my point

inshaAllah because we are aware of the problem, we can introduce changes and solutions..blaming each other wont help, because its not totally true

have faith everyone, Allah Kareem

I don't know how much of the blame we can apportion on our previous generation but I can safely say that, at least in Muslim countries, getting married was easier for the previous generation than it currently is for our generation. I believe that the checklists with our parents' generations, and before, were far less elaborate and detailed than they are now.

Perhaps owing to the explosion in our list of "wants" as opposed to "needs", our generation worries too much about questions of material well being and social status. The trends in popular culture instilled in our mind about our fairy tale "soulmates" have contributed to it in no less measure.

The urbanisation of our day to day life has rather ironically made the process of getting married far more difficult than it was with our semi-urban or rural-based previous generations.

I say cut the krcap and cut down on the popular culture, and just simply get married for the sake of yourself and your happiness, and, of course, for Allah, with an important caveat: Provided you can satisfy the basic financial needs of a decent, mutually respectful union.

Edited by Marbles

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Salam aleykom

I don't know how much of the blame we can apportion on our previous generation but I can safely say that, at least in Muslim countries, getting married was easier for the previous generation than it currently is for our generation. I believe that the checklists with our parents' generations, and before, were far less elaborate and detailed than they are now.

Perhaps owing to the explosion in our list of "wants" as opposed to "needs", our generation worries too much about questions of material well being and social status. The trends in popular culture instilled in our mind about our fairy tale "soulmates" have contributed to it in no less measure.

The urbanisation of our day to day life has rather ironically made the process of getting married far more difficult than it was with our semi-urban or rural-based previous generations.

I say cut the krcap and cut down on the popular culture, and just simply get married for the sake of yourself and your happiness, and, of course, for Allah, with an important caveat: Provided you can satisfy the basic financial needs of a decent, mutually respectful union.

the list started with them, and expanding with us..and if you read whole my reply you will see that I said that blaming each other is not the solution...that we have to introduce solutions..

I gave examples of how we behave and think to make it even more clear what I mean...so that you can really see what we are doing wrong..we should observe ourselves and our behaviors and then complain about others..

otherwise, just saying this was easier and that is harder will take us nowhere...

your last point was constructive..if you can financially secure the basics, then get married..that's it! and inshaAllah we see improvements in our communities (and in our souls)

cheers

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Thats i good question, me and my friend had a bit of a talk about it the other day, the biggest reason i think its so hard to get married in this day and age is Honesty. People just cant beilve who i am tbh, Its like that old saying is what fits for me, "if its too good to be true, it normally is"

People are jsut so use to lying and excepting lies, when some one tells the truth in my own experience, they think wow is that it? when i should give the hollywood / bollywood version and worse case lollywood story instead. But that aint me.

Well thats my problem anyway, people always say i want a honest man a caring and this that and what ever, but my own expriance so far its a sham. I fit most of those criterias but people seem to have too many dark secrets of there own and, maybe when they try to compare they run for the hills, but i am understanding, but they wont even try. For me especially the woman i have typed to anyway, not many but so far thats the pattern.

I know its the guys that are normally the first to do the bad things, but i think times changing, as for me i find its the girls doing the shady stuff. And it does break my heart either way. People just cant beilve me.

But seriously from my experience so far, i could right some books.

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Thats i good question, me and my friend had a bit of a talk about it the other day, the biggest reason i think its so hard to get married in this day and age is Honesty. People just cant beilve who i am tbh, Its like that old saying is what fits for me, "if its too good to be true, it normally is"

People are jsut so use to lying and excepting lies, when some one tells the truth in my own experience, they think wow is that it? when i should give the hollywood / bollywood version and worse case lollywood story instead. But that aint me.

Well thats my problem anyway, people always say i want a honest man a caring and this that and what ever, but my own expriance so far its a sham. I fit most of those criterias but people seem to have too many dark secrets of there own and, maybe when they try to compare they run for the hills, but i am understanding, but they wont even try. For me especially the woman i have typed to anyway, not many but so far thats the pattern.

I know its the guys that are normally the first to do the bad things, but i think times changing, as for me i find its the girls doing the shady stuff. And it does break my heart either way. People just cant beilve me.

But seriously from my experience so far, i could right some books.

*Shudder* Those films are absolutely horrendous. Don't violate your eyes by watching them. I have watched some in the past and it has left me scarred for life.....

:mellow:

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all my future kids!!!!!

Zaineb, Zahra,Bera, Huda, Abu Talib, Hamza, Haider, Asad, Abbas, nuhr, Nuha, Suliman, ruquiyah, sukayna, marwa,Amatallah, Karbalah,Abdallah, Musa, Muhammmad, Ali, Hussain, Hassan, Dawud, Ibrahim, Fatima, Asiya, Khadija, Sarah, Mariam, Noora, Nadia, Hind, Baqir, and Zayd

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all my future kids!!!!!

Zaineb, Zahra,Bera, Huda, Abu Talib, Hamza, Haider, Asad, Abbas, nuhr, Nuha, Suliman, ruquiyah, sukayna, marwa,Amatallah, Karbalah,Abdallah, Musa, Muhammmad, Ali, Hussain, Hassan, Dawud, Ibrahim, Fatima, Asiya, Khadija, Sarah, Mariam, Noora, Nadia, Hind, Baqir, and Zayd

mashallah :wacko:

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becoz Islam ..................... get married early............................ prophet.................... a girl should see her first haidh at her husbands home.....................and the modern society .........................wait for maturity.............. science..................... a person gets matured at the age of 40...... so there we go again...................

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(bismillah)

In all honesty I would love to get married at this age (17) but I know its very unlikely for numerous reasons.

I am speaking in general, I hope I don't offend anyone.

Firstly, nowadays the man is expected to have (at least by a lot of parents) a house, a car, a degree, etc. which makes it very difficult to get parental approval especially when you haven't even finished high school.

Secondly, people put education above marriage, which makes it even more difficult to get your own parent's permission. "If you get married you can't focus in University..." when in reality, the amount of haram one will have to face if unmarried makes it much more difficult for one to focus.

Finally, because of the standards set today, it is, as mentioned, difficult to meet both your own and the hopeful spouse's parent's expectations, unless you are at like 23+ due to the amount of time needed to get a degree, have a house, etc. Sadly, many in that time, and due to lack of expectations fulfilled end up falling int haram or deviating altogether.

It just makes me wish we could truly follow the Sunnah and prioritize better. Getting a degree and falling into haram, is not going to bring us closer to Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì, than for example taking a little time off from school to get married. I highly doubt when we are questioned about our deeds on the Day of Judgment, that wanting to get a degree will be justification for not getting married and the amount of sins that one committed by not doing so.

Sheikh Hamza Sodagar had a great lecture on this:

Fi aman Allah

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a healthy and successful marriage is based on religion. if every single human being in this world was a sincere and humble follower of ahlalbait, i'd really have 100's of women in my neighborhood to marry. but since nobody doesnt bother practicing their religion its hard to get married.

all those 100's of women in my neighborhood; some of them are nonbelievers, some of them are muslims but have a flawed personality, some of them have those racist parents... i.e. an egyptian father wouldn't allow his daughter to marry a lybian muslim. this is because people are so devoted to their own culture, language etc and they've left their religion on the sideline.

btw, its crazy how people can name a 100 actors and a 100 singers, but they cant name 10 companions of the prophet. :dry:

so why is it hard to get married? people have put their religion on second place and they've put this world on the top spot. may Allah guide them, because i dont want to die alone without having a wife and kids.

Edited by Al-Muntadhar

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Compatibility is also important. Just because two people are religious does not mean they are right for each other. They may have personalities that clash.

religion is the best way to know if you're compatible for eachother. religion changes and shapes your personality into the correct one. (i.e. sinner becomes repenter, loudmouth becomes respectful)

so religion is the most important, my opinion.

Edited by Al-Muntadhar

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Why is hard hmm?Maybe because manny people looking for satisfaction,not for love.Manny people thret woman as object,not as human being.Also manny wommens are looking in man's wallet,not in heart.That kind of behavior from both(man&woman) are sick,and is wrong way.

I wold love to have marrige like Ali a.s and Fatima s.a.w.s.Marrige based on respect,unity and true love.

They where one,in good,and in bad.Love between them was so strong that even Earth is createt for sake of they's love!SubhanAllah!

We have so great example in ther's marige!

I pray Allah to show me an teach me,to be good husband,as Ali a.s was!

I pray Allah to show me and teach me, to treat wife as Ali a.s treat Fatima s.a.w.s!

I pray Allah to show me and teach me,to right marrige life same as Ali a.s and Fatima s.a.w.s had!

I pray Allah to show me a way to find my Fatima one day :)

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religion is the best way to know if you're compatible for eachother. religion changes and shapes your personality into the correct one. (i.e. sinner becomes repenter, loudmouth becomes respectful)

so religion is the most important, my opinion.

+ 1

At least one who understand me and think like me..

The Prophet (saw) was sent to bring human to the perfection, and so is the purpose of Islam..

The more religious you are, the more perfect you are..

Religion changes your entire personnality

Sometimes i think about, what would be my life without islam? and my response is (i don't want to spread my life here), but i wouldn't be a better guy but worst..

So religion is the most important criteria..

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There are a LOT more factors than just religionthat affect compatibility. For instance, you can have a strong OR quiet personality and still be religious. Religious ppl are not homogeneous when it comes to personality. Maybe that's why for two religious ppl istikhara for marriage may come out as bad.

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There are a LOT more factors than just religionthat affect compatibility. For instance, you can have a strong OR quiet personality and still be religious. Religious ppl are not homogeneous when it comes to personality. Maybe that's why for two religious ppl istikhara for marriage may come out as bad.

every personality that shows respect and love for its religion, whether strong or quiet, is a good personality. you only think that different personalities can clash, but different personalities can also complement eachother. so if people are devoted believers, their personalties would be good.

for example: i could be an extremely wild funny guy (clown-like), but my wife could a girl that's very shy. this is no problem, because i could probably make her to loosen up and she will be able to make me cool down. so different personalities dont clash per sé.

the religion is #1 my friend. if you're on the same path, with equal imaan; you are a go!

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I'm not saying different personalities cannot work together, but some people prefer personalities similar to theirs, while others prefer personalities that complement theirs.

And like it or not, Islam DOES allow a couple to be attracted to each other, so if there is just no chemistry there, that marriage just won't work. Things like this affect a marriage.

Or, what if a lady wants to work and her potential husband says she has to sit at home and cook for him? That's incompatibility, even though both may be very strong Muslims.

Edited by OneNoteSong

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Or, she can just NOT marry that particular man.

Mutah king, the issue here is not what happens after marriage, but about the decision to marry. You are talking about what comes after, I am talking about the decision to marry.

Also, Mutah King, she is because she wants to contribute to the world, he is not because he is forcing her to cook, which is NOT her responsibility. That is HIS responsibility, Islamically speaking.

Edited by OneNoteSong

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sister did you get married yet? I swear this is not to make you feel bad but the way you are approaching marriage might be reason its hard to get married.

From what i have read around of your comments, it seems you are more of a liberal person. Maybe you are looking into wrong guys. You should find someone who thinks like you. If you are looking into strict momins, there will be a conflict.

The biggest concern for guys is will the future wife listen to us or not. And one of the litmus test is the permission to leave house. I would never stop my wife/future wife to go anywhere but the point is asking. If i am meeting a girl and asks of her expectations and if she goes on with "i like this food, i like doing this, i prefer this... etc" my response would be bye. But if she goes on talking about Ahlulbayt (as) and how they expect marriage should be, Bingo!!

Even if the guy is liberal/non practicing he would still want a practicing momina due to fact that she will be obedient. Which is sad for the girl, because she would be stuck with a guy who doesnt take religion seriously.

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