Paranoia Causing Emails, Superstition, Lol

[Dawud Miqdad al-Amriki]

I thought this was really funny, the best part is that most of it is true.

"MY THANKS TO ALL OF YOU"

As we progress through to the beginning of 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer keep plastic water bottles in my car because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW:

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be [Edited Out]ed with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE

I can't ever pick up a 10 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider(Brown Recluse) and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

Edited January 31, 2012 by Dawud Miqdad al-Amriki

[Ruq]

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I have this, but i blame my brother for it because i dont get these kinds of emails (?)

and also

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

i got my deodorant paranoia from tv i think. The organic ones are so bloomin' expensive though, so i tried some natural remedies like lemon juice and patting cornstarch under my arms...which was a complete disaster. Also tried one of those salt bars you wet, which i cannot recommend. So now i reluctantly fork out for the expensive one. It does smell quite delish though .

[Dawud Miqdad al-Amriki]

and also i got my deodorant paranoia from tv i think. The organic ones are so bloomin' expensive though, so i tried some natural remedies like lemon juice and patting cornstarch under my arms...which was a complete disaster. Also tried one of those salt bars you wet, which i cannot recommend. So now i reluctantly fork out for the expensive one. It does smell quite delish though .

I use "DeoDry" from "The Body Shop"

It's very good and cheap, natural, I hate deodorants normally

[Gypsy]

Too much information can cause you to develop paranoia.

I have never forwarded chain emails. Too stupid.

[Gotham]

i love the "islamic" chain mails

"if you dont forward this message, Allah will punish you."

Edited January 31, 2012 by haidernyc

[Ruq]

I use "DeoDry" from "The Body Shop"

It's very good and cheap, natural, I hate deodorants normally

Is this in UK? I looked there and they said they didnt do one o.O how much is it? I ended up going to Holland & Barratt.

[Dawud Miqdad al-Amriki]

Is this in UK? I looked there and they said they didnt do one o.O how much is it? I ended up going to Holland & Barratt.

Yes in UK, "The Body Shop" it's called "DeoDry"

[3laweyaZainabiya]

LOL!!! this is so funny to me since I NEVER forward those emails/texts! I would get them, read and laugh at them and then delete them!

I recently encountered the Islamic forwards and the first time I was very guilty for not sending it but then I decided that my love for Allah won't be measured by how many times I forward and email. :D