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In the Name of God بسم الله

Forced Marriage - A Male Perspective

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Salam Alaykum brothers and sisters I hope you are all in good health

I have come to shiachat as a last resort as Ive been let down by my friends family and to an extent by the religuous leaders of our shia community. I am a male and have recently been forced into a marriage and the sitaution is soo complex that i need advice to get me through this gray patch in my life I have given up hope and trust in most of the people around me and i feel as though I am on the way of becoming seriousally deppressed.

I had recently finished my education and earned a bit of money so was financially and psychologically ready for marriage and my age was right as well, now I had a potential life partner who I liked and had kept in halal contact with for around 3 years over the phone and had met a few times as well (she was my cousin). I always assumed getting married to her would not be a problem as she was my cousin and was practising and overall a good modest young lady. however my family was a bit against my match with her as she is slightly dark skinned and short in height. however I was taken to abroad and it was hinted to me that I would be allowed to get married to who I want as i had been dropping hints to parents and grandparents for a few years and they hinted that it was all good. My mother suffers from psycological problems and it has been going on for a few years now and she always from when i was born wanted me to get married to her niece i.e. my cousin from my mothers side who is not practising not a shia itna ashari and who I have never spoke to in my life. My mothers condition for the last few years has slowly gotten worse.

Whilst I was abroad i was told that i had to get married to my mums niece and when i said no i was pressured to the extent that i was made to feel that my mothers phsycological problems were my fault and was told if i marry her relative then she would get better and i should give this sacrifice for my family. I didnt even realise and in 1 or 2 days my nikah was organised and on the day of the nikah i took the maulana to one side and explained to him the situation and the only thing he said to me was 'Ive seen worse cases' and told me to just put on a brave face and live my life. My nikah was done to her and now im back in the West trying to call her over and till this day although im married to her havent talked to her and the girl i liked and wanted to get married to feels betrayed and maybe scarred after what happend. Now I explained to the girl I liked that I was being forced and she told me that she would not mind becoming my second wife SubhanAllah in 2012 there is a girl like this that she is so religious she does not mind being a second wife and even before when we discussed our future during those 3 years of contact she told me that she would allow me to marry again if i needed to.

By the way the marriage has not been consumated because the family of the girl are so JAHIL that a nikah is nothing for them they want me to call her to the West do all the 'rituals' then shes my wife.

Anyway now \im thinking that once she is here I will tell her the full story and maybe she will allow me to get married again to the one I like.

It is not the girls fault but now \i have to take care of her and look after her emotions as well as my own. I feel like if commiting suicide was not haraam I would have done it to relieve myself of this tension.

If there is any good brothers and sisters out there please help me

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Parents should never be listened to if they try to force their child into a marriage. They hardly ever know what they are doing, don't have the child's best interests at heart, and are only trying to

'Maulanas' like this should be shot. Anyway, as for what you should do in this situation, there is no easy solution. Even the option of taking the other girl as a second wife seems a bit implausible t

But wait! What happened to people telling the guy "Do not marry the one you love, love the one you marry" Or is that only for the women? -_-

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You obeyed your parents on a situation which you had the choice to and you betrayed a woman who you made a promise to. I don't want to be mean but this is your fault.. Completely your fault you are the only one who should take blame.

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You obeyed your parents on a situation which you had the choice to and you betrayed a woman who you made a promise to. I don't want to be mean but this is your fault.. Completely your fault you are the only one who should take blame.

salam

no dont say that parents can be very annoying and even though he didnt have to obey them he still did because he respects them their his parents!

Salam Alaykum brothers and sisters I hope you are all in good health

I have come to shiachat as a last resort as Ive been let down by my friends family and to an extent by the religuous leaders of our shia community. I am a male and have recently been forced into a marriage and the sitaution is soo complex that i need advice to get me through this gray patch in my life I have given up hope and trust in most of the people around me and i feel as though I am on the way of becoming seriousally deppressed.

I had recently finished my education and earned a bit of money so was financially and psychologically ready for marriage and my age was right as well, now I had a potential life partner who I liked and had kept in halal contact with for around 3 years over the phone and had met a few times as well (she was my cousin). I always assumed getting married to her would not be a problem as she was my cousin and was practising and overall a good modest young lady. however my family was a bit against my match with her as she is slightly dark skinned and short in height. however I was taken to abroad and it was hinted to me that I would be allowed to get married to who I want as i had been dropping hints to parents and grandparents for a few years and they hinted that it was all good. My mother suffers from psycological problems and it has been going on for a few years now and she always from when i was born wanted me to get married to her niece i.e. my cousin from my mothers side who is not practising not a shia itna ashari and who I have never spoke to in my life. My mothers condition for the last few years has slowly gotten worse.

Whilst I was abroad i was told that i had to get married to my mums niece and when i said no i was pressured to the extent that i was made to feel that my mothers phsycological problems were my fault and was told if i marry her relative then she would get better and i should give this sacrifice for my family. I didnt even realise and in 1 or 2 days my nikah was organised and on the day of the nikah i took the maulana to one side and explained to him the situation and the only thing he said to me was 'Ive seen worse cases' and told me to just put on a brave face and live my life. My nikah was done to her and now im back in the West trying to call her over and till this day although im married to her havent talked to her and the girl i liked and wanted to get married to feels betrayed and maybe scarred after what happend. Now I explained to the girl I liked that I was being forced and she told me that she would not mind becoming my second wife SubhanAllah in 2012 there is a girl like this that she is so religious she does not mind being a second wife and even before when we discussed our future during those 3 years of contact she told me that she would allow me to marry again if i needed to.

By the way the marriage has not been consumated because the family of the girl are so JAHIL that a nikah is nothing for them they want me to call her to the West do all the 'rituals' then shes my wife.

Anyway now \im thinking that once she is here I will tell her the full story and maybe she will allow me to get married again to the one I like.

It is not the girls fault but now \i have to take care of her and look after her emotions as well as my own. I feel like if commiting suicide was not haraam I would have done it to relieve myself of this tension.

If there is any good brothers and sisters out there please help me

oppressed soul you are in a very bad situation obviously and theres not much you can do to make things better but i highly suggest you dont marry the second one if your going to suck her into your problems its not fair for her... take some time to think about everything and get your priorities straight....

you could have not married the first one but you did so theres no point of saying could have but u can always divorce her if you really dont like her...

brother your situation is messed up the only advise i have for you is dont marry the second one if your going to suck her into your problems...

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salam

no dont say that parents can be very annoying and even though he didnt have to obey them he still did because he respects them their his parents!

oppressed soul you are in a very bad situation obviously and theres not much you can do to make things better but i highly suggest you dont marry the second one if your going to suck her into your problems its not fair for her... take some time to think about everything and get your priorities straight....

you could have not married the first one but you did so theres no point of saying could have but u can always divorce her if you really dont like her...

brother your situation is messed up the only advise i have for you is dont marry the second one if your going to suck her into your problems...

Wa 3laykom l salam. I know sis but still respecting is great but if it will lead to ruining your life than its not. I wouldn't have said what I said if he didn't agree to marry the girl he liked but since he did he shouldv'e kept his promise and went against the will of his forceful parents who married him by force to a woman he doesn't like and his parents won't ever see either

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Family can sometimes be the source of our problems but regardless

of this we should always love and respect them esp mothers.

they should be loved and obeyed as long as you r not disobeying the Almighty Allah as result of it.

Am really really sorry to hear your story and i feel bad for the girl you love as well.

she must be like you said very pious and modest to be able to accept to be a second wife and understanding what you r going through.

my advice is, talk to 'your wife' when she comes to where you live and tell her everything.

then if she wont create more problem for you marry the girl you always wanted.

you fulfiled your mother's 'desire' by marrying the person she wanted.

NOW! its your turn to marry whoever you want. and yeah! good luck.

may Allah be with you brother, your in my duas.

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You obeyed your parents on a situation which you had the choice to and you betrayed a woman who you made a promise to. I don't want to be mean but this is your fault.. Completely your fault you are the only one who should take blame

Since this has happend I havent been able to live with myself, if only I had not been so spineless. The thing is everything happend so quick i couldnt react or think, I was tricked and made to feel guilty for something which is from Allah (my mothers illness) I was gullible and childish for letting them take advantage of me but the worst thing is I could never imagine my own parents and family doing this to me.

JazakAllah for all your replies duas and suggestions, I think it would not be fair or realistic to marry again even though the girl I like is willing to be a second wife

The reason is that we have hadiths which say that treating wives unequally results in the person being resurected on yawm ul qiyamah with half a body and there is no way that i could treat both wives equally when it comes to emotionall treatment how can you treat the one forced upon you and the one you love equally?

The one I was forced to marry I presume knows I had no interest in her as she is quite old and must know but her agreement either means she is very gullible which i doubt or it means she must have been told to just stay quite and hold tight in order to get a better life and nationality in a western country.

Since Ive come back whenever someone congratulates me i put on a brave face but it kills me inside, my family know whats happend but Ive kept it hidden from everyone else so no shame comes upon the family. I even feel uncomfortable to speak to any Aalim or Maulana as they might have the same view as the one who read my nikah. Thats why I turned to shiachat as its private and impartial and most people on here arent smitten by kuffr culture.

People assume just because im a MALE somehow I couldnt have been forced and they somehow think that us males have no emotions, I cry everytime I think about what has happend.

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You obeyed your parents on a situation which you had the choice to and you betrayed a woman who you made a promise to. I don't want to be mean but this is your fault.. Completely your fault you are the only one who should take blame.

wth? the brother asked for advice and you are putting the whole blame on him, for sacrificing his life for his family.

Anyways, brother as your cousin is willing to become your second wife you should go for it and you dont need permission from the first wife. You are a grown man, make your own decision now and be fair to both since she is your wife now.

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Anyway now \im thinking that once she is here I will tell her the full story and maybe she will allow me to get married again to the one I like.

....and of course she will let you and so would the Western immigration system. Stick a fat man and a tree and you've got yourself a christmas. Seriously though. Why you are out to ruin someone's life? Just to help your parents and your desires towards your cousin, you are ready to ruin someone else's life? Thats cold.

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Let me guess, you are Pakistani?

It's written all over the place.

Anyway, to the OP, don't ever think that marrying both would somehow solve anything for you or for anyone in the equation. It would create far more problems in your family than there would have been if you had just refused to marry to your mum's niece in the first place.

I really can't see an easy solution out of it now that you have had the nikah.

Nikah, without the actual wedding, in your culture, is treated as 'full marriage' IF it's broken. It's not like those 'engagements' you can call off. If you divorce the girl, she's gonna suffer the rest of her life. And I'd rather not mention the storm it would unleash in your family.

If you stay with the nikah and excuse the girl you had liked then that's a personal dilemma.

Why don't you take the safe side, considering its emotionally doable, and try to have a family with the girl you are already married to? or else...

Edited by Marbles
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But wait! What happened to people telling the guy "Do not marry the one you love, love the one you marry"

Or is that only for the women? -_-

This isn't so much about love as the fact that the other girl is much better suited to him from a religious point of view, and that nobody should be forced into a marriage. The exact same things people are saying ehre would go for a woman in a similar situation.

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This isn't so much about love as the fact that the other girl is much better suited to him from a religious point of view, and that nobody should be forced into a marriage. The exact same things people are saying ehre would go for a woman in a similar situation.

We are only hearing his side of the story, and the girl he married may be even more devastated than he is. Who knows! She could even end up being more religious than him in the near future.

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We are only hearing his side of the story, and the girl he married may be even more devastated than he is. Who knows! She could even end up being more religious than him in the near future.

She's not even Shia, so she first needs to convert to the right religion before she can become more religious than him. And yes, maybe she is devastated. All the more reason that this marriage should never have taken place.

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By all means do not make this woman pregnant until or unless she becomes Shia. You don't want to bring a child into this world under these chaotic conditions. Birth control should be your responsibility. You cannot trust that she would use the birth control properly.

It amazes me in such circumstances, how can someone consummate a marriage with a woman whom he claims not to love? Or is that all normal?

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It amazes me in such circumstances, how can someone consummate a marriage with a woman whom he claims not to love? Or is that all normal?

Arranged marriages are quite common you know, and almost certainly the vast majority of those are consumated before there is any love in the marriage. So yes, I'd say it's relatively normal.

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so if your parents told you to go and kill some one you will do it ?

they told you to marry a human whom you don't like and you agreed? did you have any consideration for the girl that you married? that you dont like her and hence you will destroy her life forever and maybe thats her only time that she would get married ?

in islam there is no such thing as obeying the parents infact the quraan says to disobey them when they order you to do evil.

the only thing the quran says is to have a kind companionship with them due to the many favors they have on you,

its very unfair and love can come after marriage and maybe your current relation will fix up inshallah. you can always marry the other one too as Allah encourages that but if you are to be a mumy's boy and listen to whatever (good or bad) instructions that your parents give then i advice you to not marry anyone and destroy their lives, because you never know maybe they will order you to harm the wife and you would say " my parents i have to respect them and harm the wife"

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Brother, do not call this girl into the country until you have everything clear in your head, and know what you plan to do. Once you call her over, chances are she will pressure you to call the rest of her family over, and soon you will be in an even worse position than you are in now.

You should try to call her as much as possible, there is always a chance you might like her, I'm sure the feelings you have for the woman you love maybe clouding your view of your wife. See what her thoughts are about islam, and if she would consider converting etc - it could work both ways, either you find out she is open to shi'a islam, and you do have things in common, or you find out she is a nasibi, in which case it is a 'get out of jail free' card.

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Ok guys, I know a lot of you are pounding on him for the mistake he's made (and he did make a huge one by letting himself get pressured when he was free to live his own life) but what's done is done. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes, sometimes huge ones. He's asking fo help so lets help him. :)

Oppresed Soul, (salam) , I am sorry for your situation but now is the time to grow a pair and stand up for yourself. I know you really respect your parents and love them and May Allah Reward you for that. But you are at a point in your life where you are an independent adult and you need to point this out to your parents. If they stop talking to you and become depressed about it, IT IS THEIR PROBLEM AND THEIR SIN, not yours. You are trying to fulfill your religion in marrying a pious woman, and MashAllah the way the girl of your choice is willing to be a second wife truly shows how much she loves you.

Do you have any feelings for the girl that you did the nikkah with? Do you think you guys can live as a successful couple (knowing that she is not a practicing shia and that you want your kids to be practicing shias?) Do you think she might be willing to become one? If not you as a couple may head for divorce and a lot of pain in the future, especially if there are children involved. And since her family is so JAHIL like you said they shouldnt have any problems with the marriage being annulled since the marriage was never consumated (and I know in that jahil culture it is very hard for a divorced woman to get remarried but not for someone who has NOT consumated the marriage i.e "there never was a ruksati" (final ritual) :lol: ). Plus if you make it known to her family that you are marrying a second girl I think things will take care of itself from that end lol

However if that family is ok with you having two wives then its totally upto you what you want to do (although i dont think its practical for someone to have 2 wives in the West these days, though i do know a couple of succuessful cases :donno: , almost the EXACT same case as yours happened to a friend of a friend of mine and right now he's currently planning to stay married to both his wives and both of them are perfectly happy with it)

I leave you with these final words, you do not want to be 40 yrs old one day and keep wishing everyday "oh i wish i did that, i hate my life now etc.". I know a couple of people in that state and tt is a TERRIBLE state to be in. Bad for this dunya AND your Akhira

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(salam)

I am sorry to hear about your story. I am shocked to hear that even boys are blackmailed and coerced to marry. Hang in there brother. Your problem will be resolved eventually, so think about that for a bit.

I know you love your cousin but you need to remember that you are already married now. Your options are pretty much limited at this point. You can either stick with your current wife, or let her go peacefully and marry your cousin.

Personally, I believe you should stick with your current wife. I understand that you were coerced but now that you are in the west, it is already too late to change your decision. You made the biggest decision of your life by getting married so you should at least honor that commitment. You need to get your wife with you and start the married life together.

At the same time you should also tell your cousin goodbye and hope her the best for the future. Pray that she can find a better spouse for herself. Don't tie her to you because it would be very unfair to her and your wife.

Start the marriage on a right foot. Don't sabotage your marriage even before it has started. I am certain that in the future you will be rewarded for your patience.

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Oppressed soul, your case is truly upsetting and depressing

Who are you going to life with all your life? Your parents or wife? Wife ? We should you scarfice ? What if that girl has a lover and shes waiting for you to end the marriage, what if shes presserd to marry you to. What if her family just want her to marry just to get to the west. Why should you wait untail she comes to the west and tell her you like someone else, why not call her now and tell her. Why hurt two people?

Your parents will grow out of it you just need to man up and tell them your not going to take her. This all was done without your premmision so how can it be vaild? Surly they want to see you happy....

Go with the one you like. Parents that use that threat card oh I wil feel better or die if you dont do so and so , are narrow minded with no knowledge of what is happening in the world. The other girl is your cusion so your still taking from your family....

Call the girl and speak to her and explain, maybe she will back out .......

You can fight for love or just accpte what your parents have decieded for you.....

Wake up and go for what you want.....

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There's something powerful in the posts of Haydar Husayn, which results him in getting loads of likes. He's a pretty slick rock minded jaheel.

you do realize getting "likes" has nothing to do with content in here. Most people like the comments of people they like (or have same ideology) even when the other is just bs'ing. Hence, its really easy to categorize everyone in here and kind of expect them to react similarly on same type of topics and liking the similar opinions. There are only few in here who actually follow Imams rulings over their own personal feelings.

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JazakAllah for all your help and support I truly need your Duas

If i was not a follower of the ahlul bayt (as) I would maybe give up and say that I had a bad NASEEB or KISMET and it was not in my fortune or destiny like the followers of the ahlul sunnah believe. We shias beleieve that certain things are in the hands of Allah and certain things he has given us the Ikhtiyar to determine for ourselves. I made a mistake but maybe I can rectify it and maybe I can make the best of the situation. If i do take a second wife I dont want to be sinful for not treating them equally emotionally.

If my wife (the one i was forced to marry and have yet to speak to) was a religious sunni or salafi that would be no problem because at the very least she might have had some interest in religion but from the apparent she is not practising at all and she is quite old as well so i do understand when you say that it is a perfect oppurtunity for dawah but theres a saying you cant teach an old dog new tricks. The fact that her family pressured and played dirty family politics to get her married to me doesnt seem to suggest shes going to be the pious type.

I think the acid test was the fact that the one I liked was prepared to be a second wife and did not complain or throw a fit while all this drama was going on.

you should stop calling the cousin you wanted to marry, because it is haram to do that.

The contact is not ongoing and even when it was it wasnt vulgur or idle chat it was in view to getting married and future plans were discussed i.e. how we ere going to set up a family e.t.c

Do you have any feelings for the girl that you did the nikkah with? Do you think you guys can live as a successful couple (knowing that she is not a practicing shia and that you want your kids to be practicing shias?) Do you think she might be willing to become one? If not you as a couple may head for divorce and a lot of pain in the future, especially if there are children involved. And since her family is so JAHIL like you said they shouldnt have any problems with the marriage being annulled since the marriage was never consumated (and I know in that jahil culture it is very hard for a divorced woman to get remarried but not for someone who has NOT consumated the marriage i.e "there never was a ruksati" (final ritual) :lol: ). Plus if you make it known to her family that you are marrying a second girl I think things will take care of itself from that end lol

From an unreligious point of view the girl I married is probably ticking all the boxes for my parents i.e. physically good looking but you must understand that beauty is very subjective and somebody as unreligious and uncovered (not observing hijab) as her does not seem beutifull to me simply because she does not have a religious or nice personality.

To all the brothers and sisters who mentioned I should try and make things work, how can a marriage be succesful when it was started of on a unislamic basis, is the same thing going to happen to my children aswell?

Dont you think it seems a bit suspect that they wanted the Nikah done first and all the rest back here after shes gained a VISA e.t.c

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Look, Oppressed Soul. Your parents forced you to marry her with a backhanded, disgusting trick. This is a deception. Sadly one used too often by South Asian parents. I once had a nightmare that my parents had arranged a marriage to one of my (non-practising and ugly cousin), and even now when I think of it I have the shivers. (I am unmarried still, btw)

Please, know, recognize and understand, put it into your head, that this is all your parent's fault, and the maulana who accepted this, and anyone who had a hand in this. Ignore the stupid idiots who are blaming you and telling you to "be a man". Ignore the ones telling you to live your life with your "wife". I know how it feels like, I've also been a "victim" of this blackmailing behaviour by my own parents, who think that they can do just whatever they want to, and since they are my parents, I will accept it, although not do do with marriage.

They blackmailed you into this marriage. You were weak enough and spineless then, to accept it. But please, if you want a normal life, unfortunately you will have to grow a spine. This is difficult, but you have to do it not to ruin your life. What you should do, in my humble opinion, is flat-out firmly refuse to live your life with the woman you married. JUST REFUSE! Divorce her! I know this will cause enormous problems for you and her, and destroy your family, and this will kill any chances you have with your beloved cousin, but this is the only "straight" path. Now, I know that your culture is very family-oriented, and it is almost impossible to have a "normal" life without the help and support of your parents. But its not impossible. And by no means is it assured that your parents will cut off relations with you. After all, it is their clear fault and if they recognize it, that's fine.

Living your life without any family support, but with a woman you chose to marry after knowing each other, will be better than surrounded by a corrupt, cultural family that does not practice what they preach, despite observing the outward rituals of Islam, and married to a woman whom you do not love and who does not love you.

So, what you should do, based on my own experience with families which love blackmailing thier kids is:

1) DO NOT consummate your marriage with her

2) DIVORCE her, despite whatever other consequences it has

3) If your family cuts of all relations with you, don't worry. Its not rocket science to live by yourself

4) Then find a good, religious Shia girl to marry, speak with each other for 3 months to be sure you like each other, then marry her

5) Have a family with her.

And if your family does not cut off relations with you, then of course you can marry your beloved cousin.

Forget things like "duty to parents", "family honour" etc. These things do not come free. What about your "honour"? What about your "life"? Your parents forced you into this. Respect them, honour them, but do not accept their sinful actions. Flat out refuse to cooperate in their backhanded tricks. That is the only way. Show them you will not be pushed around.

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brother none of us are in your shoes and dont know how you feel even though we can claim to feel empathy for you thats why its easy to give out random opinions. I agree and understand that a marriage started off on wrong decisions will no way in hell go towards right direction no matter how people claim about dawah and preaching etc when the basis are wrong the building will collapse.

Its obvious from your reply that you want to be with the person who will take you towards Allah (swt) rather then you have to spend good chunk of your life explaining what salat and fasting importance is let alone who Ahlulbayt (as) are. You should meet a scholar and talk to him about the responsibilities of having two wives, its not a crime but rather your right to marry who you want to

So, what you should do, based on my own experience with families which love blackmailing thier kids is:

1) DO NOT consummate your marriage with her

2) DIVORCE her, despite whatever other consequences it has

3) If your family cuts of all relations with you, don't worry. Its not rocket science to live by yourself

4) Then find a good, religious Shia girl to marry, speak with each other for 3 months to be sure you like each other, then marry her

5) Have a family with her.

he is doing everything to be with the person he wants to, your suggesting him losing both along with parents happiness and gain what?

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(bismillah)

In The Name of Allah (SWT) , The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

(salam)

There's something powerful in the posts of Haydar Husayn, which results him in getting loads of likes. He's a pretty slick rock minded jaheel.

I don't know why you are opposing HH's posts on this topic as well? After all, on this topic, he was quite "liberal" - just as you are - and said something that I would say is very much like what you think. What are you, still, opposing him on this matter as well? IS he not arguing for the women and the brother's rights this time?

By the way, I am NOT saying this out of a bias because I have my own differences with Haydar Husayn - one them being, which you also know, is on Taqleed.

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