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In the Name of God بسم الله

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I totally blame myself. I married for potential. So did she !

She thought Id leave objectivity for blind following, and I expected the same from here. All in all I do not blame anyone but myself. We held back having kids because I was very uncertain of it all. So that part is taken care of. My only regret is that she will be pulled in an extreme form of religious obsession that stems from her mother's belief structure. I worked so hard with her over the past three years - on all aspect of life and now she is regressing back into the same abyss.

I am not unhappy, just disappointed for her. Maybe providence wanted just this much from us.

We all marry for potential brother, nobody is the finished article when they meet! How much did you find out about each other before you decided to marry? Did you meet her family to see what kind of background she was coming from?

It was very wise of you to not start a family straight away, perhaps this gives you the option to spend a little time away from each other to think things over? Maybe reassess the situation in the hope of beginning again with a clean slate or even a second honeymoon?

You say you're not unhappy, but in reality a thread like this would only be started by a man who was unhappy. Do you feel you can salvage this marriage my friend? There is always divorce, but that should only be used as a last resort when all else has failed.

What are your intentions going forward? How do you see the future for you both?

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We all marry for potential brother, nobody is the finished article when they meet! How much did you find out about each other before you decided to marry? Did you meet her family to see what kind of background she was coming from?

It was very wise of you to not start a family straight away, perhaps this gives you the option to spend a little time away from each other to think things over? Maybe reassess the situation in the hope of beginning again with a clean slate or even a second honeymoon?

You say you're not unhappy, but in reality a thread like this would only be started by a man who was unhappy. Do you feel you can salvage this marriage my friend? There is always divorce, but that should only be used as a last resort when all else has failed.

What are your intentions going forward? How do you see the future for you both?

They're mashallah from a good background. Her mother is actually a Zakira and I once thought that was a good thing. But then I started noticing the extremism and orthodoxy which made me very uncomfortable. I saw them ridicule women who were not wearing abayas but were in perfect hijab stating one reason or the other. I saw then frowning upon other mothers and girls who wanted to study and make something our of their lives besides just being incubators and maids. How was I supposed to know there is a way of justifying this through religion. How much can one find out before getting married any way.

There is no future, and I want none with a girl who would rather use walk away from a man who has so much to offer. And in this case, I think Im glad we both decide to amicably walk aways from each other. She is a wonderful girl who would make a traditional Shia man very happy. Im not cut out for this.

No man is happy at the potential breakup of his marriage but in this case, I feel it is for the better. I am here so I can share it with people and not because it is a sob story, but because we need to try to look for people who we can collaborate with. In the sense of religion, society and life. Only then theres a synergy. I am alhumdollilah on the right track . There is one little setback in my life after this though. I wanted to accomplish many feats in life, which wouldve been easier had I shared my life with a woman by my side. Now it will have to be a while before I accomplish my goals.

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They're mashallah from a good background. Her mother is actually a Zakira and I once thought that was a good thing. But then I started noticing the extremism and orthodoxy which made me very uncomfortable. I saw them ridicule women who were not wearing abayas but were in perfect hijab stating one reason or the other. I saw then frowning upon other mothers and girls who wanted to study and make something our of their lives besides just being incubators and maids. How was I supposed to know there is a way of justifying this through religion.

Religious extremism can justify anything my friend. Surely you must have noticed this if you are a Twelver?

How much can one find out before getting married any way.

As much as you feel is required - it seems you were a little naive and thought very little was required. Didn't your family give you any guidance? Were they happy with your choice of this girl?

There is no future, and I want none with a girl who would rather use walk away from a man who has so much to offer. And in this case, I think Im glad we both decide to amicably walk aways from each other.

Be thankful for this, many divorces are not amicable in the slightest.

She is a wonderful girl who would make a traditional Shia man very happy. Im not cut out for this.

Unfortunately being a divorcee might make it difficult for her to marry a traditional Shia man in the future. Has she carefully considered this?

No man is happy at the potential breakup of his marriage but in this case, I feel it is for the better. I am here so I can share it with people and not because it is a sob story, but because we need to try to look for people who we can collaborate with. In the sense of religion, society and life. Only then theres a synergy. I am alhumdollilah on the right track . There is one little setback in my life after this though.

Don't call it a setback, look at it as a learning experience brother. Make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes again next time!

I wanted to accomplish many feats in life, which wouldve been easier had I shared my life with a woman by my side. Now it will have to be a while before I accomplish my goals.

It's good to hear someone express this sentiment, this forum does have an overwhelming view of things being exactly the opposite. I wish you good luck for the future my friend.

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As much as you feel is required - it seems you were a little naive and thought very little was required. Didn't your family give you any guidance? Were they happy with your choice of this girl?

 

Don't call it a setback, look at it as a learning experience brother. Make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes again next time!

I'd advise caution before making subjective statements like the bold part. While I can see you are being open minded and supportive, you have not been in his place. As someone who has been through something similar, it is not quite so cut and dry as all that. Sometimes we do our best to get to know a person before marrying them, take our time, dot all our i's and cross all our t's - and this still happens. 

 

Ditto for Reckless Spouse 'making a mistake'. Again, as someone who's been through something similar (if not the same), I wouldn't characterize my choices as mistakes. Not the choice to be with such a person, and not the choice to separate (if that choice can even be characterized a choice).

 

On a digressive note, I think threads like these are testament to the significance of SC extending beyond an online forum; this one basically documented a major part of Reckless Spouse's life journey. I realize this thread is over a year old, and the OP might not even still be here, but I am very curious how it ended. 

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On 12/29/2015 at 8:18 AM, reckless.spouse said:

well. I have a fascinating story to tell. :) I just logged in and I can assure you it has been a rollercoaster!

i read the thread just now for the first time. I hope 'the story' ended happily somehow or other.

 

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In 2011 you said "I dont see divorce as a option." In 2012 you said "she's threatened to divorce me." In 2013 you said "We're on a month's separation now and we have spoken to the Resident Aalim about a divorce." So what happened in 2014 and this year? Are you still married?

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28 minutes ago, hameedeh said:

In 2011 you said "I dont see divorce as a option." In 2012 you said "she's threatened to divorce me." In 2013 you said "We're on a month's separation now and we have spoken to the Resident Aalim about a divorce." So what happened in 2014 and this year? Are you still married?

LOL sister hameedeh...such a build-up of suspense :confused: 

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By looking at the topic tags, it looks like a rollercoaster.  

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Okay. :)

So I briefly glanced through my previous comments I had left before, and I realised the following: 

  1. I do not remember most of what I wrote before. 
  2. Even if I were to respond today, I would probably express the same thoughts. With perhaps a little more introspection.
  3. Sister @hameedeh is incredibly accurate and I join Sister @Sumayyeh hat-tip in acknowledging her prowess of summation.
  4. @l'Optimiste is very eloquent is his/her assessment of it all

The protracted divorce did happen. The road back to sanity is bumpy. It takes one through a maze of disbelief, skepticism, rage and disgust. But I will tell you something - I am today happy to be the same man I once was before, before my marriage. And so happy to not be the man I became during my marriage.

I feel it is exponentially more difficult for women to cope with something like this, not to say us men do not feel the brunt. My father wept for a good straight week. He did not speak to me for a month. He refused to see me. My mother explained to him - as she had an idea about how my ex was. Eventually he started to believe when he heard stories from the local Imambargah. Stories about his son which could never be true. Factual inaccuracies. Like oh he used to drink, or he used to not pray. And my favorite: he could not bed her. Et cetara. Ah and as a family we found out what a divorced woman's Zakira mother can do to convince the lot the 'Khulla' was necessary yada yada. The funny thing, when my faith over women folk was all time low - the most love and support I got from were women as well. My mother, aunts, sisters, and friends. Even several of their relatives ended up talking to us. They expressed their 'condolences' LOLL. The most overwhelming was last eid when her first cousin came over with her husband and two kids. Spent half a day with us etc. 

Side note: apparently theres a hate blog about me out there.

I have since found peace, and I have no one my Allah, Masoomeen (a.s) and Ummehaat (a.s) to thank. 

I would be happy to go into more details if necessary. 

I also feel @l'Optimiste is correct is looking at the broad canvas. SC is indeed expanding. 

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@reckless.spouse Brother--Alhamdulilah that you're happy, and I appreciate the personal story that you shared--I think it bears a lot of lessons. 

Inshallah you will always be happy and close to the Prophet (s) and Masoomeen :) 

As you know, the outlook of the Momin is:

الخیر فی ما وقع

There is Goodness in whatever happens. 

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On lesson from brother reckless ordeal for all the young ones who are /will be planning the knot.

 

Articulate and Write down a few of the principals you really care about in your life. Then find a spouse who matches closer to your principals. 

You both could differ on many small things, but if you differ on your fundamentals that you really care about, it will be hard to live the life with such a person. 

Always give your spouse room to change, accept to change yourself as well and look beyond immediate and reachable gains in marriage.

For all brothers, yes we all marry partly for our hormonal urges, but let it not be the only and major reason to marry. This one I added on my own but don't let your hormones get the better of you. 

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@Irfani313bro 

"You both could differ on many small things, but if you differ on your fundamentals that you really care about, it will be hard to live the life with such a person. "

For many of us that fundamental is being a practising shia muslim, which isn't a wrong or bad criteria but by no means a sufficient one. 

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@reckless.spouse If you had said, "After my divorce I married again," I would have thought you must be a relative of mine and made an account here, because your situation looks just like his. InshaAllah you will find the one who matches you. :) 

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