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Guest a.shia.muslim.brother.110

Salam Alaikum,

Ive been a silent observer here for a few years now. This is a great website for people from all walks of life to discuss matters of mutual interest.

I am starting this post in hopes of sharing my experiences with my fellow members here and to get their view about my debacle. I got married to girl from Shiamatch and now I am regretting it because she turned out to be a very different person than how it seemed on the match making website. Im not going to give her name as this post in just so I understand what I might be able to do differently to make things better. However I suggest thorough investigations into the person (and his or her past) who you only know from a website. The sad part is that she is not a bad person at all. We're just not a good match. Has anyone else here gone through something like this ?

Salam u alaykom,

I actually found my ex-wife from shiamatch.com and ended up divorcing :(

assalam u alaykom

Edited by a.shia.muslim.brother.110

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How are you coping now brother? Inshallah I hope that your relationship has improved have patience and deal with the issues you have because you're married now nO room for regrets. Work on your relationship and deal with the issues and this will make a stronger bond for the rest of your lives a difficult start is better than problems later on installer wish you all the best

i don't think i could put up with that either, if there is something i can't stand, yet it is a very common issue in our community, is ignorant people who want to be ultra-religious on everything yet they have absolutly no idea why they are being ultra-religious, that realy annoys me!! 'ZERO' sex life even before kids probably seals the deal....get out of this marriage and maybe both of yous wil meet the right people.

That's not nice you should be careful about the advice you give divorce is not an option it is something to resort to once everything else fails and it should be the 100th thing to do god forbid. Marriage is not an easy ride it needs to be worked on and with time you build trust and it takes time god forbid someone acts on your advice. I hope I haven't offended you but what you've said is very dangerous

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That's not nice you should be careful about the advice you give divorce is not an option it is something to resort to once everything else fails and it should be the 100th thing to do god forbid. Marriage is not an easy ride it needs to be worked on and with time you build trust and it takes time god forbid someone acts on your advice. I hope I haven't offended you but what you've said is very dangerous

firstly brother/sister, you havn't offended me at all, i respect, am concious of, and actually enjoy seeing diffrence of opinions where people can shed alternative ideas, i hope in this case they can or have worked things out and im prooven wrong, that would be the best thing to happen because i do understand every situation is unique. Im just baseing my opinion on the information that the OP gave me which is based more on the lickley outcome on percentages, ofcoarse divorse is not a positive thing and should be avoided at "nearly" all costs, but as humans we are not perfect, we don't make the correct decisions and sometimes two people that marry may not be compatible for one another at all, and by them actually staying together they can be actually doing more harm than good, they can try counseling, but they are haveing these serious issues yet they are still in a honneymoon period, this is "normally" a ominous indication things are not looking too good for the future, sometimes its better to cut your losses and run( i dont mean literally), maybe try and seek to start a new family elsewhere, mr or mrs right can be witing for them right round the corner if they move on, because TBH i can't think of nothing worse than bringing kids into the world when their family is already on a sinking ship .

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firstly brother/sister, you havn't offended me at all, i respect, am concious of, and actually enjoy seeing diffrence of opinions where people can shed alternative ideas, i hope in this case they can or have worked things out and im prooven wrong, that would be the best thing to happen because i do understand every situation is unique. Im just baseing my opinion on the information that the OP gave me which is based more on the lickley outcome on percentages, ofcoarse divorse is not a positive thing and should be avoided at "nearly" all costs, but as humans we are not perfect, we don't make the correct decisions and sometimes two people that marry may not be compatible for one another at all, and by them actually staying together they can be actually doing more harm than good, they can try counseling, but they are haveing these serious issues yet they are still in a honneymoon period, this is "normally" a ominous indication things are not looking too good for the future, sometimes its better to cut your losses and run( i dont mean literally), maybe try and seek to start a new family elsewhere, mr or mrs right can be witing for them right round the corner if they move on, because TBH i can't think of nothing worse than bringing kids into the world when their family is already on a sinking ship .

But the honeymoon period is the hardest time because the first few years is the adjustment period in our own families issues arise let alone living with your partner. A bad start will build a good future life is a learning test it's important to do your questioning before marriage because marriage is long term. I mean to say sometimes we're not aware of our actions but we learn together and grow together as a couple I think everyone deserves a chance

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Salaam to all,

Unfortunately or furtunetley I have been through the same thing but, I do think somewhere somehow you and your partner have to be in common in something , in behaviour or religion, culture, and if you are not in the same culture religion Is the main part to be in common in any other things . My marriage life was and is a bit different , in the bigining was ok but later as my bro-in-low got involve in our reconciling I always had to compromie. In front of me in my side and behind my back against me, I know that because accidentally I got to hear his advise to my husband. By the way I got married to a Sunni man who was ready to convert to what I am., but because of honesty he showed I said that is good enough for me, but as later on his brother got involve in everything of ours my husband got pulled away from me and the kids and all. Now all my family is connected to a thread , anyone can pull the thread and he can get brain washed and I loose my family. And it's not as easy as it looks. Ive been through a lot of obstacles. I tried doing everything to harm my self because I was fed up, up to extent that i went for seperation. my bro-in-low was telling me that I can't do anything if your husband doesn't love you. But that was what he had put in my husband's head. Any way cutting the story short I tried and still tring to make him understand I care for him but sometimes he understand and other times doesn't , big or I should say we have a huge cultural difference, religion difrence, humanity difference and lot more . But I am praying to Allah to bring him to the right path and make our love towards each other more. You never know when the wheel turns and Allah answers all your prays. you can do a lot when you are not married yet, but after marrieg you have to look at things differently.

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Salam flower 30 it must be extremely difficult for you. I wonder why some people live as though there is no hereafter I was reading the Qur'an today and it says people will face the punishment of their actions it's just a matter of time. I pray that your problems are solved inshallah. Your husband should wake up and take responsibility sorry to hear your facing troubles in your own home all the best inshallah

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So over the past year, we kept fighting on the extent of Halal and Haram. Who could I contact and who I couldnt contact. And how I sneezed and how I couldve sneezed in a more mustahib manner. Im not trying to make light of this, but the true fact is I see life here as a chance to do better every day. Why live with a person who does not believe in doing more , and instead pulls you under as well.

Later on I also found out that my wife's mother who basically is a Zakira had been unhappy with me on a few things. And that my wife perhaps listened to her a little too much. The funny thing is that my wife is a good woman. She really is. But as a man who wants to leave a legacy behind, I cannot be the man she wants me to be -just in and out of an Imambargah and nothing to do with civic engagement , society and social participation.

We're on a month's separation now and we have spoken to the Resident Aalim about a divorce. It is sad and unfortunate but we could not continue to be in a marriage where, for her I was the man who took religion lightly and for me, she was the woman who couldnt understand the real reason for why we are blessed to be Human Beings.

Salaam to all,

Unfortunately or furtunetley I have been through the same thing but, I do think somewhere somehow you and your partner have to be in common in something , in behaviour or religion, culture, and if you are not in the same culture religion Is the main part to be in common in any other things . My marriage life was and is a bit different , in the bigining was ok but later as my bro-in-low got involve in our reconciling I always had to compromie. In front of me in my side and behind my back against me, I know that because accidentally I got to hear his advise to my husband. By the way I got married to a Sunni man who was ready to convert to what I am., but because of honesty he showed I said that is good enough for me, but as later on his brother got involve in everything of ours my husband got pulled away from me and the kids and all. Now all my family is connected to a thread , anyone can pull the thread and he can get brain washed and I loose my family. And it's not as easy as it looks. Ive been through a lot of obstacles. I tried doing everything to harm my self because I was fed up, up to extent that i went for seperation. my bro-in-low was telling me that I can't do anything if your husband doesn't love you. But that was what he had put in my husband's head. Any way cutting the story short I tried and still tring to make him understand I care for him but sometimes he understand and other times doesn't , big or I should say we have a huge cultural difference, religion difrence, humanity difference and lot more . But I am praying to Allah to bring him to the right path and make our love towards each other more. You never know when the wheel turns and Allah answers all your prays. you can do a lot when you are not married yet, but after marrieg you have to look at things differently.

I see what you mean.

I am really a very different man. I guess I believe in a very different Islam than most people here. I mean it is simple for me ... If I pray awal waqt and fast regularly will that save me when Im being uncool with my wife. I dont think so. Because Namaz and Fasting are like training for our body and soul. If I got that training and threw it out of the window, who is to blame?

But there will always be people trying to justify one wrong with another. I hope things are better for you now.

How are you coping now brother? Inshallah I hope that your relationship has improved have patience and deal with the issues you have because you're married now nO room for regrets. Work on your relationship and deal with the issues and this will make a stronger bond for the rest of your lives a difficult start is better than problems later on installer wish you all the best

That's not nice you should be careful about the advice you give divorce is not an option it is something to resort to once everything else fails and it should be the 100th thing to do god forbid. Marriage is not an easy ride it needs to be worked on and with time you build trust and it takes time god forbid someone acts on your advice. I hope I haven't offended you but what you've said is very dangerous

Divorce is never a good option. In our case, I feel it is such a disastrous solution because I know the right path is of moderation . But my wife's mother is using her 'intellect' to justify our perspective divorce to the Aalim . I cant blame the Aalim, he is a very very busy man and has to take her work. My hands are also tied, since I cant force a woman to look at the glass half full. The epidemic of religious self righteousness and extremism has to end otherwise families will perish.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

I cant say I agree with both of you and your disposition of making fun of a man in pain. :)

Why not just say:

My "Wife" Is the Husband in this marriage.

I am just the "Housewife"

:shifty:

Good day,

~El Cid

P.S: Your Man-license is now revoked ^_^

(wasalam)

=3

=3

=3

=3

=3

=3

I cant say I agree with both of you and your disposition of making fun of a man in pain. :)

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I know i might be reprimanded for saying this, but before you bring any kid into this world, you need to evaluate if you could live like this for the rest of your life. Now i don't know the scale of all your problems, but sit down with her, talk and discuss it. If you need to divorce, then do it. I'd advise meeting someone in real life first, as online dating rarely works.

Btw, i would be over the moon if a woman discarded her male friends and told me to do the same. That's actually a dream of mine. I am not insecure, but i know guys. I know men and women can never be 'just friends'. We are biologically programmed to want certain things. I don't buy the 'best guy' friend. Trust me on this. Sure, have 'friends' but keep a distance.

If your 'friendship' is innocent and strictly for work or such than that's fine.

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Unlike many strong shia brothers and sisters on this site, I simply cannot sit and memorize a hadith and pretend to understand and follow it for a while until the reality of the situation comes back to bite me. Some of you guys can do this, I cant. I also feel there is difference of perception. My work, which I believe is purely within the boundaries of religion, will not and must not be stopped because my wife wants to be certain way. I had to admit, things tend to get worse, but then things get better. We have ZERO sex life, because we dont find each other attractive. We have very different view on religion, she believes in the Sharia and she doesntc care if she understands it. I do not want to do everything in life blindly. Herein lies the problem, she some times consciously makes an effort to sabotage my work. And I was looking for someone to understand the importance of having a balance in life . this creates a problem. Oh btw she's threatened to divorce me if id want to marry again. So im stuck with a woman who I know is in essence a good girl, who follows religion but is a total contrast to a woman who should be by my side. Taking life in stride.

I didn't read this before making my other post. I recommend you to get divorced. You don't find each other attractive ? Why do looks matter so much. This is about you, so i won't elaborate here. Just end it before you bring kid into a dysfunctional home.

You are a little like me. I question everything. I would hate living with someone who followed blindly.

I am not trying to cause fitnah, but i just recommend you to try talking to her about your problems, and if it fails, then bring up divorce. Next time, don't try shiamatch.

Work on your body/lift weights, work on your hair skin, tame your brows, work on your speech. The law of attraction: you need to be the kind of person you want to attract.

You seem very open minded, and i don't see you having too many problems.

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The way youngsters are treating marriage these days is very worrying - some over-analyse and decide they never want to marry, others don't think at all and get married to people they have nothing in common with.

Brother, when you met this girl, didn't you speak to her about anything? Didn't you get to know each other before you decided to marry? Didn't your parents and her parents offer any words of wisdom or caution?

Anyway, let me give you some advice my friend.

Keep in mind that feelings of jealousy mostly arise out of insecurity. Make sure your wife knows that you love her deeply, and that there is no other woman for you, nor could there ever be. This will involve you doing things you may consider cheesy or sickly romantic, but do them anyway. Spend time together just walking and talking, go to restaurants and museums, go see movies and concerts etc. When you're at home just watching TV, don't sit separately, hold her in your arms instead etc. Pay her compliments on everything from the way she looks to the food she makes etc. Obviously the biggest factor will be your sex life, so constantly communicate what you both enjoy and make love as often as possible. Once you make her feel safe and secure and confident in the marriage, she will have no reason to be jealous, in fact you could even persuade her to be proud of the fact you are so attractive to others.

Also, if your wife has a sense of humour, make fun of her jealousy. Let her realise how ridiculous her feelings are by making her laugh. Do it in a warm and gentle manner using exaggeration and wit and sarcasm, so she can see for herself how foolish she is being.

Most importantly brother, remember that nobody is perfect, including yourself. Your wife may have faults and flaws, but so do you. Perhaps certain actions on your part might be the cause of problems, or at least be making things worse?

Ultimately my friend, it was your decision to marry her so if it isn't working out, you have only yourself to blame. Bear this in mind so you make every effort to turn things around.

Good luck brother.

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I totally blame myself. I married for potential. So did she !

She thought Id leave objectivity for blind following, and I expected the same from here. All in all I do not blame anyone but myself. We held back having kids because I was very uncertain of it all. So that part is taken care of. My only regret is that she will be pulled in an extreme form of religious obsession that stems from her mother's belief structure. I worked so hard with her over the past three years - on all aspect of life and now she is regressing back into the same abyss.

I am not unhappy, just disappointed for her. Maybe providence wanted just this much from us.

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I totally blame myself. I married for potential. So did she !

She thought Id leave objectivity for blind following, and I expected the same from here. All in all I do not blame anyone but myself. We held back having kids because I was very uncertain of it all. So that part is taken care of. My only regret is that she will be pulled in an extreme form of religious obsession that stems from her mother's belief structure. I worked so hard with her over the past three years - on all aspect of life and now she is regressing back into the same abyss.

I am not unhappy, just disappointed for her. Maybe providence wanted just this much from us.

We can't live of potential all our lives. You have not done anything inherently wrong here. She had the chance to marry someone who questioned, reasoned, and did not follow blindly.

Just use this all as a learning experience.

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I totally blame myself. I married for potential. So did she !

She thought Id leave objectivity for blind following, and I expected the same from here. All in all I do not blame anyone but myself. We held back having kids because I was very uncertain of it all. So that part is taken care of. My only regret is that she will be pulled in an extreme form of religious obsession that stems from her mother's belief structure. I worked so hard with her over the past three years - on all aspect of life and now she is regressing back into the same abyss.

I am not unhappy, just disappointed for her. Maybe providence wanted just this much from us.

We all marry for potential brother, nobody is the finished article when they meet! How much did you find out about each other before you decided to marry? Did you meet her family to see what kind of background she was coming from?

It was very wise of you to not start a family straight away, perhaps this gives you the option to spend a little time away from each other to think things over? Maybe reassess the situation in the hope of beginning again with a clean slate or even a second honeymoon?

You say you're not unhappy, but in reality a thread like this would only be started by a man who was unhappy. Do you feel you can salvage this marriage my friend? There is always divorce, but that should only be used as a last resort when all else has failed.

What are your intentions going forward? How do you see the future for you both?

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We all marry for potential brother, nobody is the finished article when they meet! How much did you find out about each other before you decided to marry? Did you meet her family to see what kind of background she was coming from?

It was very wise of you to not start a family straight away, perhaps this gives you the option to spend a little time away from each other to think things over? Maybe reassess the situation in the hope of beginning again with a clean slate or even a second honeymoon?

You say you're not unhappy, but in reality a thread like this would only be started by a man who was unhappy. Do you feel you can salvage this marriage my friend? There is always divorce, but that should only be used as a last resort when all else has failed.

What are your intentions going forward? How do you see the future for you both?

They're mashallah from a good background. Her mother is actually a Zakira and I once thought that was a good thing. But then I started noticing the extremism and orthodoxy which made me very uncomfortable. I saw them ridicule women who were not wearing abayas but were in perfect hijab stating one reason or the other. I saw then frowning upon other mothers and girls who wanted to study and make something our of their lives besides just being incubators and maids. How was I supposed to know there is a way of justifying this through religion. How much can one find out before getting married any way.

There is no future, and I want none with a girl who would rather use walk away from a man who has so much to offer. And in this case, I think Im glad we both decide to amicably walk aways from each other. She is a wonderful girl who would make a traditional Shia man very happy. Im not cut out for this.

No man is happy at the potential breakup of his marriage but in this case, I feel it is for the better. I am here so I can share it with people and not because it is a sob story, but because we need to try to look for people who we can collaborate with. In the sense of religion, society and life. Only then theres a synergy. I am alhumdollilah on the right track . There is one little setback in my life after this though. I wanted to accomplish many feats in life, which wouldve been easier had I shared my life with a woman by my side. Now it will have to be a while before I accomplish my goals.

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They're mashallah from a good background. Her mother is actually a Zakira and I once thought that was a good thing. But then I started noticing the extremism and orthodoxy which made me very uncomfortable. I saw them ridicule women who were not wearing abayas but were in perfect hijab stating one reason or the other. I saw then frowning upon other mothers and girls who wanted to study and make something our of their lives besides just being incubators and maids. How was I supposed to know there is a way of justifying this through religion.

Religious extremism can justify anything my friend. Surely you must have noticed this if you are a Twelver?

How much can one find out before getting married any way.

As much as you feel is required - it seems you were a little naive and thought very little was required. Didn't your family give you any guidance? Were they happy with your choice of this girl?

There is no future, and I want none with a girl who would rather use walk away from a man who has so much to offer. And in this case, I think Im glad we both decide to amicably walk aways from each other.

Be thankful for this, many divorces are not amicable in the slightest.

She is a wonderful girl who would make a traditional Shia man very happy. Im not cut out for this.

Unfortunately being a divorcee might make it difficult for her to marry a traditional Shia man in the future. Has she carefully considered this?

No man is happy at the potential breakup of his marriage but in this case, I feel it is for the better. I am here so I can share it with people and not because it is a sob story, but because we need to try to look for people who we can collaborate with. In the sense of religion, society and life. Only then theres a synergy. I am alhumdollilah on the right track . There is one little setback in my life after this though.

Don't call it a setback, look at it as a learning experience brother. Make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes again next time!

I wanted to accomplish many feats in life, which wouldve been easier had I shared my life with a woman by my side. Now it will have to be a while before I accomplish my goals.

It's good to hear someone express this sentiment, this forum does have an overwhelming view of things being exactly the opposite. I wish you good luck for the future my friend.

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As much as you feel is required - it seems you were a little naive and thought very little was required. Didn't your family give you any guidance? Were they happy with your choice of this girl?

 

Don't call it a setback, look at it as a learning experience brother. Make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes again next time!

I'd advise caution before making subjective statements like the bold part. While I can see you are being open minded and supportive, you have not been in his place. As someone who has been through something similar, it is not quite so cut and dry as all that. Sometimes we do our best to get to know a person before marrying them, take our time, dot all our i's and cross all our t's - and this still happens. 

 

Ditto for Reckless Spouse 'making a mistake'. Again, as someone who's been through something similar (if not the same), I wouldn't characterize my choices as mistakes. Not the choice to be with such a person, and not the choice to separate (if that choice can even be characterized a choice).

 

On a digressive note, I think threads like these are testament to the significance of SC extending beyond an online forum; this one basically documented a major part of Reckless Spouse's life journey. I realize this thread is over a year old, and the OP might not even still be here, but I am very curious how it ended. 

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