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In the Name of God بسم الله

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Unlike many strong shia brothers and sisters on this site, I simply cannot sit and memorize a hadith and pretend to understand and follow it for a while until the reality of the situation comes back to bite me. Some of you guys can do this, I cant. I also feel there is difference of perception. My work, which I believe is purely within the boundaries of religion, will not and must not be stopped because my wife wants to be certain way. I had to admit, things tend to get worse, but then things get better. We have ZERO sex life, because we dont find each other attractive. We have very different view on religion, she believes in the Sharia and she doesntc care if she understands it. I do not want to do everything in life blindly. Herein lies the problem, she some times consciously makes an effort to sabotage my work. And I was looking for someone to understand the importance of having a balance in life . this creates a problem. Oh btw she's threatened to divorce me if id want to marry again. So im stuck with a woman who I know is in essence a good girl, who follows religion but is a total contrast to a woman who should be by my side. Taking life in stride.

I didn't read this before making my other post. I recommend you to get divorced. You don't find each other attractive ? Why do looks matter so much. This is about you, so i won't elaborate here. Just end it before you bring kid into a dysfunctional home.

You are a little like me. I question everything. I would hate living with someone who followed blindly.

I am not trying to cause fitnah, but i just recommend you to try talking to her about your problems, and if it fails, then bring up divorce. Next time, don't try shiamatch.

Work on your body/lift weights, work on your hair skin, tame your brows, work on your speech. The law of attraction: you need to be the kind of person you want to attract.

You seem very open minded, and i don't see you having too many problems.

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The way youngsters are treating marriage these days is very worrying - some over-analyse and decide they never want to marry, others don't think at all and get married to people they have nothing in common with.

Brother, when you met this girl, didn't you speak to her about anything? Didn't you get to know each other before you decided to marry? Didn't your parents and her parents offer any words of wisdom or caution?

Anyway, let me give you some advice my friend.

Keep in mind that feelings of jealousy mostly arise out of insecurity. Make sure your wife knows that you love her deeply, and that there is no other woman for you, nor could there ever be. This will involve you doing things you may consider cheesy or sickly romantic, but do them anyway. Spend time together just walking and talking, go to restaurants and museums, go see movies and concerts etc. When you're at home just watching TV, don't sit separately, hold her in your arms instead etc. Pay her compliments on everything from the way she looks to the food she makes etc. Obviously the biggest factor will be your sex life, so constantly communicate what you both enjoy and make love as often as possible. Once you make her feel safe and secure and confident in the marriage, she will have no reason to be jealous, in fact you could even persuade her to be proud of the fact you are so attractive to others.

Also, if your wife has a sense of humour, make fun of her jealousy. Let her realise how ridiculous her feelings are by making her laugh. Do it in a warm and gentle manner using exaggeration and wit and sarcasm, so she can see for herself how foolish she is being.

Most importantly brother, remember that nobody is perfect, including yourself. Your wife may have faults and flaws, but so do you. Perhaps certain actions on your part might be the cause of problems, or at least be making things worse?

Ultimately my friend, it was your decision to marry her so if it isn't working out, you have only yourself to blame. Bear this in mind so you make every effort to turn things around.

Good luck brother.

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I totally blame myself. I married for potential. So did she !

She thought Id leave objectivity for blind following, and I expected the same from here. All in all I do not blame anyone but myself. We held back having kids because I was very uncertain of it all. So that part is taken care of. My only regret is that she will be pulled in an extreme form of religious obsession that stems from her mother's belief structure. I worked so hard with her over the past three years - on all aspect of life and now she is regressing back into the same abyss.

I am not unhappy, just disappointed for her. Maybe providence wanted just this much from us.

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I totally blame myself. I married for potential. So did she !

She thought Id leave objectivity for blind following, and I expected the same from here. All in all I do not blame anyone but myself. We held back having kids because I was very uncertain of it all. So that part is taken care of. My only regret is that she will be pulled in an extreme form of religious obsession that stems from her mother's belief structure. I worked so hard with her over the past three years - on all aspect of life and now she is regressing back into the same abyss.

I am not unhappy, just disappointed for her. Maybe providence wanted just this much from us.

We can't live of potential all our lives. You have not done anything inherently wrong here. She had the chance to marry someone who questioned, reasoned, and did not follow blindly.

Just use this all as a learning experience.

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I totally blame myself. I married for potential. So did she !

She thought Id leave objectivity for blind following, and I expected the same from here. All in all I do not blame anyone but myself. We held back having kids because I was very uncertain of it all. So that part is taken care of. My only regret is that she will be pulled in an extreme form of religious obsession that stems from her mother's belief structure. I worked so hard with her over the past three years - on all aspect of life and now she is regressing back into the same abyss.

I am not unhappy, just disappointed for her. Maybe providence wanted just this much from us.

We all marry for potential brother, nobody is the finished article when they meet! How much did you find out about each other before you decided to marry? Did you meet her family to see what kind of background she was coming from?

It was very wise of you to not start a family straight away, perhaps this gives you the option to spend a little time away from each other to think things over? Maybe reassess the situation in the hope of beginning again with a clean slate or even a second honeymoon?

You say you're not unhappy, but in reality a thread like this would only be started by a man who was unhappy. Do you feel you can salvage this marriage my friend? There is always divorce, but that should only be used as a last resort when all else has failed.

What are your intentions going forward? How do you see the future for you both?

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We all marry for potential brother, nobody is the finished article when they meet! How much did you find out about each other before you decided to marry? Did you meet her family to see what kind of background she was coming from?

It was very wise of you to not start a family straight away, perhaps this gives you the option to spend a little time away from each other to think things over? Maybe reassess the situation in the hope of beginning again with a clean slate or even a second honeymoon?

You say you're not unhappy, but in reality a thread like this would only be started by a man who was unhappy. Do you feel you can salvage this marriage my friend? There is always divorce, but that should only be used as a last resort when all else has failed.

What are your intentions going forward? How do you see the future for you both?

They're mashallah from a good background. Her mother is actually a Zakira and I once thought that was a good thing. But then I started noticing the extremism and orthodoxy which made me very uncomfortable. I saw them ridicule women who were not wearing abayas but were in perfect hijab stating one reason or the other. I saw then frowning upon other mothers and girls who wanted to study and make something our of their lives besides just being incubators and maids. How was I supposed to know there is a way of justifying this through religion. How much can one find out before getting married any way.

There is no future, and I want none with a girl who would rather use walk away from a man who has so much to offer. And in this case, I think Im glad we both decide to amicably walk aways from each other. She is a wonderful girl who would make a traditional Shia man very happy. Im not cut out for this.

No man is happy at the potential breakup of his marriage but in this case, I feel it is for the better. I am here so I can share it with people and not because it is a sob story, but because we need to try to look for people who we can collaborate with. In the sense of religion, society and life. Only then theres a synergy. I am alhumdollilah on the right track . There is one little setback in my life after this though. I wanted to accomplish many feats in life, which wouldve been easier had I shared my life with a woman by my side. Now it will have to be a while before I accomplish my goals.

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They're mashallah from a good background. Her mother is actually a Zakira and I once thought that was a good thing. But then I started noticing the extremism and orthodoxy which made me very uncomfortable. I saw them ridicule women who were not wearing abayas but were in perfect hijab stating one reason or the other. I saw then frowning upon other mothers and girls who wanted to study and make something our of their lives besides just being incubators and maids. How was I supposed to know there is a way of justifying this through religion.

Religious extremism can justify anything my friend. Surely you must have noticed this if you are a Twelver?

How much can one find out before getting married any way.

As much as you feel is required - it seems you were a little naive and thought very little was required. Didn't your family give you any guidance? Were they happy with your choice of this girl?

There is no future, and I want none with a girl who would rather use walk away from a man who has so much to offer. And in this case, I think Im glad we both decide to amicably walk aways from each other.

Be thankful for this, many divorces are not amicable in the slightest.

She is a wonderful girl who would make a traditional Shia man very happy. Im not cut out for this.

Unfortunately being a divorcee might make it difficult for her to marry a traditional Shia man in the future. Has she carefully considered this?

No man is happy at the potential breakup of his marriage but in this case, I feel it is for the better. I am here so I can share it with people and not because it is a sob story, but because we need to try to look for people who we can collaborate with. In the sense of religion, society and life. Only then theres a synergy. I am alhumdollilah on the right track . There is one little setback in my life after this though.

Don't call it a setback, look at it as a learning experience brother. Make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes again next time!

I wanted to accomplish many feats in life, which wouldve been easier had I shared my life with a woman by my side. Now it will have to be a while before I accomplish my goals.

It's good to hear someone express this sentiment, this forum does have an overwhelming view of things being exactly the opposite. I wish you good luck for the future my friend.

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As much as you feel is required - it seems you were a little naive and thought very little was required. Didn't your family give you any guidance? Were they happy with your choice of this girl?

 

Don't call it a setback, look at it as a learning experience brother. Make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes again next time!

I'd advise caution before making subjective statements like the bold part. While I can see you are being open minded and supportive, you have not been in his place. As someone who has been through something similar, it is not quite so cut and dry as all that. Sometimes we do our best to get to know a person before marrying them, take our time, dot all our i's and cross all our t's - and this still happens. 

 

Ditto for Reckless Spouse 'making a mistake'. Again, as someone who's been through something similar (if not the same), I wouldn't characterize my choices as mistakes. Not the choice to be with such a person, and not the choice to separate (if that choice can even be characterized a choice).

 

On a digressive note, I think threads like these are testament to the significance of SC extending beyond an online forum; this one basically documented a major part of Reckless Spouse's life journey. I realize this thread is over a year old, and the OP might not even still be here, but I am very curious how it ended. 

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On 12/29/2015 at 8:18 AM, reckless.spouse said:

well. I have a fascinating story to tell. :) I just logged in and I can assure you it has been a rollercoaster!

i read the thread just now for the first time. I hope 'the story' ended happily somehow or other.

 

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In 2011 you said "I dont see divorce as a option." In 2012 you said "she's threatened to divorce me." In 2013 you said "We're on a month's separation now and we have spoken to the Resident Aalim about a divorce." So what happened in 2014 and this year? Are you still married?

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28 minutes ago, hameedeh said:

In 2011 you said "I dont see divorce as a option." In 2012 you said "she's threatened to divorce me." In 2013 you said "We're on a month's separation now and we have spoken to the Resident Aalim about a divorce." So what happened in 2014 and this year? Are you still married?

LOL sister hameedeh...such a build-up of suspense :confused: 

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By looking at the topic tags, it looks like a rollercoaster.  

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@reckless.spouse Brother--Alhamdulilah that you're happy, and I appreciate the personal story that you shared--I think it bears a lot of lessons. 

Inshallah you will always be happy and close to the Prophet (s) and Masoomeen :) 

As you know, the outlook of the Momin is:

الخیر فی ما وقع

There is Goodness in whatever happens. 

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On lesson from brother reckless ordeal for all the young ones who are /will be planning the knot.

 

Articulate and Write down a few of the principals you really care about in your life. Then find a spouse who matches closer to your principals. 

You both could differ on many small things, but if you differ on your fundamentals that you really care about, it will be hard to live the life with such a person. 

Always give your spouse room to change, accept to change yourself as well and look beyond immediate and reachable gains in marriage.

For all brothers, yes we all marry partly for our hormonal urges, but let it not be the only and major reason to marry. This one I added on my own but don't let your hormones get the better of you. 

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@Irfani313bro 

"You both could differ on many small things, but if you differ on your fundamentals that you really care about, it will be hard to live the life with such a person. "

For many of us that fundamental is being a practising shia muslim, which isn't a wrong or bad criteria but by no means a sufficient one. 

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@reckless.spouse If you had said, "After my divorce I married again," I would have thought you must be a relative of mine and made an account here, because your situation looks just like his. InshaAllah you will find the one who matches you. :) 

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14 hours ago, LeftCoastMom said:

Sorry you had to go through that. A hate blog? Dang...people are the same everywhere! :(

 I believe we are flawed being. That requires us to forge ahead and keep hoping to not repeat the mistakes. A blog is essentially an intimate expression of who we are right? That is the best and the most insidious way of sharing your own perspective. I can disapprove of all the assertions on the blog, but that is what will sometimes take root. 

Is there a blog about you out there as well :) ?

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Oh, I'm sure I've been mentioned with immense disdain in a great many blogs (for non-relationship reasons)....I've been married since before the last Ice Age. It's more the relatives. My personal "favorite" was when one of them ,drunk probably, sent a text to everyone in his contact list about how his wife was cheating on him ...with another one of the relatives. My daughter was in high school at the time and could have gone all year without getting that text in the middle of class.

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On 12/30/2015 at 0:21 PM, LeftCoastMom said:

Oh, I'm sure I've been mentioned with immense disdain in a great many blogs (for non-relationship reasons)....I've been married since before the last Ice Age. It's more the relatives. My personal "favorite" was when one of them ,drunk probably, sent a text to everyone in his contact list about how his wife was cheating on him ...with another one of the relatives. My daughter was in high school at the time and could have gone all year without getting that text in the middle of class.

Ouch. Thats not nice. 

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On 12/30/2015 at 1:03 AM, hameedeh said:

@reckless.spouse If you had said, "After my divorce I married again," I would have thought you must be a relative of mine and made an account here, because your situation looks just like his. InshaAllah you will find the one who matches you. :) 

I believe that to be true. And I think I am too traditional for a man to find someone here. I have lately felt it is probably best to try to meet people who potentially work in the same industry. Though I can be so wrong. Thanks for your dua :)

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On 12/30/2015 at 0:57 AM, starlight said:

@Irfani313bro 

"You both could differ on many small things, but if you differ on your fundamentals that you really care about, it will be hard to live the life with such a person. "

For many of us that fundamental is being a practising shia muslim, which isn't a wrong or bad criteria but by no means a sufficient one. 

True. There in lies the problem . The terms 'practising' is very fluid now. 

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Wow. This thread was a roller coaster of contradicting emotions. It taught me a lesson I should already have learnt: Religion that is not built on ethical moral grounds will be lead to more harm than good.

Elhamdulillah for all that happens, and may Allah swt bless us all with strength and patience to navigate through life with all the buried mines waiting to be triggered, for verily we'll all taste hardships in one way or another. I'm glad you (the OP) are more in harmony now though, it shows incredible stamina and faith in Allah swt as it wasn't just a bad nightmare, there was a lesson for you to learn and grow from, and you seem to have picked up on that. Learn, grow, and be the best you can be for the sake of Allah, and Allah alone.

All the best.

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