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In the Name of God بسم الله

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I have pointed out on several occasions that I didn't think it was a good idea in general to take more than one wife (permanent or temporary) while living in the societies most of us live in.

Give me the reasons. Tell me why it is not a good idea, apart from family and societal disapproval.

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Give me the reasons. Tell me why it is not a good idea, apart from family and societal disapproval.

I can't be bothered to be honest. Be more polite next time, and avoid jumping to conclusions, and I may be more willing to engage in a positive discussion with you.

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I can't be bothered to be honest. Be more polite next time, and avoid jumping to conclusions, and I may be more willing to engage in a positive discussion with you.

Am I not polite with you? :unsure:

I am serious in asking for the reasons. I intend no pun. So please let me hear you.

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Live with it, work around it, take it as a test from Allah and grow your eiman and maarifa.

For some, giving up on leading a better, far more spiritual and accomplished life is a option. The test in this case, I think, is for me to rise to the occasion and strive to lead a better life instead of being harassed into submission :)

There is obviously and undoubtedly more to it than that. You don't want a CCTV wifely spy surveillance all the time, trust me. You don't either want mini Tsunamis at home if the caller on your phone happens to be a receptionist from your dentist.

There is indeed, and I intend to bring it all out here. Primarily because I know there would be people out there going through the same Tsunamis !

Bro, I would... That would kill all my chances for later mutas :)

Lol, here I opened the can of worms!!!

(sorry OP in ruining your thread, but I could not hold)

Let's go back to original post....

Way to go :no: ! Strategically bringing in the M word ! now everyone is talking about this instead of the real issue !

There could be something deeper rooted and psychological causing your wife to be this insecure. It is not always a cut and dry case of "just quit being jealous" and it could stem as far back as childhood.

My wife is mashallah a Zakira e Ahle Bayt in the making. She knows everything about how jealousy hurts one's self and spirit. She actually despises the northy american system so much that she ends up saying and doing weird things.

Have you tried speaking to her about why she doesnt want you to speak to other woman. Maybe she doesnt like your mates or maybe she fears that you might cheat on her with one of them , this maybe the reasons but Allah hu 3lam. You need to asure her that theirs no one that can replace her. Exaplain to her that there only friends nothing more then that. You should add her back on fb so that you can show her that their there just to talk to and let her talk to her mates if she wants. By the looks of it she hinted to you to deactive your account because she did that and you should have done the same thing , will that might be what she was doing and it might not be.

Tell her that you have to interact with the oppiste gender when your working , its impossible to not talk specially if your working in a envirment that has both genders.

Its something to do with trust. Maybe you can just allow fb for her.

Ive tried everything. I have shared my philosophy with her many a times. I tell here, listen i need X to be on my list specifically because X has teh ability to negatively influence my work. Keep your enemies closer right ... she still doesnt get it. This is the third time she's done this. Also the past one year has seen her try to sabotage my work more. It is almost like she wants me to fail. This time before she had the opportunity to post a response, I specifically asked her not to interject in this particular situation. And then I went off to work. When I got back, she had done exactly what I had asked her to not do. What does this mean.

Exactly. And I am amused at the suggestion of churning out ahadith, as if it would make the problem go away.

To the opening poster: Be gentle, understanding, empathetic and caring for it may open a better communication channel between you two than the one currently in place. It may help you get cues as to what is causing her to behave in a not-so-rational manner.

And one thing that you shouldn't have done is to remove her from your facebook. Bad idea. Really bad.

I couldnt let her continue to sabotage the work I was doing. My FB is strictly professional. It has nothing to do with my personal life, and she knows that . So any conversation im having with people are about politics, religion and social fabric. What do you do when your 10 year old keeps spilling coffee on the carpet? You dont replace the young one. You just try to make sure there is no coffee within arms reach to spill.

Have you ever tried pointing out that it may, just may, be desirable for the husband to stick with his wife (and kids) rather than chatting up with other women for a golden chance of securing a marriage, permanent or temporary?

If yes, I'd like to see where.

This is why I ended up here . Because I want her in my life. But if she does not understand that I need her to work with me rather than against me, then Id have to gradually remove her foot print from all our collective aspects. I am afraid she will be wreck any chances of raising a good family by her bahavior.

____________________

Oh btw just an observation. As a newbie to this amazing forum, I cant believe how EVERYONE here bickers like 5th graders :lol: . This feels just like home !

Edited by reckless.spouse

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The other day, she told me that working as an interfaith activist in not correct. As it means interaction with non-Muslims. She believes we should all sit and wait for the Imam as. I am afraid this thinking will permeate to my kids. They will grow up ignorant of the world.

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So how would you servive if you dont work?

Have you done something indirectly to her, for her to sabatage your work? Maybe something has happened to her in the past and shes taking it out on you.

I dont see what the problem is your just doing your job to provide for her lol.

And what if their non muslim , if you live in their country then you will interact with them.

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I know. Ive seen this before. Its a clash of ideologies iife. Just like clash in ideologies in religion. Two opposing ideologies try their utmost to win over the other. Sad part here is that when this happens in life, one half is lost. One person decides to take a step back, it leaves him/her scarred. And it is business as usual for the family.

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So why did you get married if you had different approachs to life? Maybe you should talk to her and make her understand that its not about who controls who or who wins . Marriage should be about helping , supporting the other in their highs and lows and not just being their when your happy and doing a runner when they have mood swings.

She should be encourging you and you have to do the same. Sitting and waiting isint the greatest thing you can do but everyone has different views of what they should do.lol

Its either you grow to her level of relgiousness or find a solution in between. Maybe you can change jobs.

When it comes to marriage I think the person needs to take someone on their level of deen,and even if they take someone thats higher in faith , they need to explain to them it may take a will to understand and accepte things.

It aint a walk in the park lool

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Salams br.

This is an issue that Most newly married couples. You shouldnt be chatting and socializing with non mahrams. I am Not talking about collegues at work or Professors who are female at school or Clients or customers that you have a Business relationship with. I am talking about non mahrams that you have private talks with that are Not directly related to work or school or some Islamic project or charity work. The discussion should be businesslike and focused with non mahram(unless you are planning, with serious Intention to make a marriage based relationship with them. The Holy Quran says 'dont approach adultry (zina)'. So this ayat is very strongly worded and There are very few actions in the Holy Quran where Allah(swa) says dont even approach or go near it. So unless unless you are extremely careful with this you will Fall into Problems which could affect you marriage or your akhira or both. Facebook is just another Tool for people to use to be a rope to hang themselves If They are Not careful. Remeber that Allah(swa) Sees everything you Do and that There are two angels recording all your actions and you wont care too mich what your wife says and the Problem will be solved.

Salams br.

This is an issue that Most newly married couples. You shouldnt be chatting and socializing with non mahrams. I am Not talking about collegues at work or Professors who are female at school or Clients or customers that you have a Business relationship with. I am talking about non mahrams that you have private talks with that are Not directly related to work or school or some Islamic project or charity work. The discussion should be businesslike and focused with non mahram(unless you are planning, with serious Intention to make a marriage based relationship with them. The Holy Quran says 'dont approach adultry (zina)'. So this ayat is very strongly worded and There are very few actions in the Holy Quran where Allah(swa) says dont even approach or go near it. So unless unless you are extremely careful with this you will Fall into Problems which could affect you marriage or your akhira or both. Facebook is just another Tool for people to use to be a rope to hang themselves If They are Not careful. Remeber that Allah(swa) Sees everything you Do and that There are two angels recording all your actions and you wont care too mich what your wife says and the Problem will be solved.

Edited by Abu Hadi

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So how would you servive if you dont work?

Have you done something indirectly to her, for her to sabatage your work? Maybe something has happened to her in the past and shes taking it out on you.

I dont see what the problem is your just doing your job to provide for her lol.

And what if their non muslim , if you live in their country then you will interact with them.

I keep getting different versions of why she is unhappy. Ofcourse the fact that she'd want me to be of a specific religious benchmark remains. But I have been told there are others as well. The other day, in a fit of anger, she told me that she wanted to marry a convert or a khoja (im neither) and that she was forced by her mother to do marry me.

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The other day, she told me that working as an interfaith activist in not correct. As it means interaction with non-Muslims. She believes we should all sit and wait for the Imam as. I am afraid this thinking will permeate to my kids. They will grow up ignorant of the world.

why didn't you discuss the nature of your work before you guys actually married? anyways you mentioned that your wife is a good Mu'mina, have a look at these sahih hadith brother, i think it's best advice in ur situation.

The prophet (peace be upon him and his family) has said '' A Muslim must not hate his wife and if he be displeased with one bad quality in her, then let him be pleased with another that is good''.

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Salam Alaikum Brothers and Sister

I remember having conversations about jealousy in a woman. with a person who came up with hadiths similar. I agreed with the muslim man but then something occured with him where he let himself get out of control. then I used simple words from Islamic Laws and Islamic books about how what he was doing was wrong.

I mentioned that sex without marriage is haram, looking at naked women that are not your wives are haram. The muslim man said to me in frustration that he knew the Islamic law more than I and that the problems is not having knowledge he was wrong but that his desires were too strong and he did not know how to control it.

I suggested that is what marriage is for then he asked what happens if u marry the wrong woman the I answered according to books I read (Islamic) about waiting until Allah provides then the man stated " that's the problem I can not control my desire long enough to wait "

I realized I seemed heartless quoting things I read to a person who was truely wanting to do the right thing but could not. One day that same man mentioned something about Jealous women then I explained to him what I learned about that in the same way he explained his uncontrollable desire for sex I told him jealousy is as strong for some women as sex as is strong for some men and it is uncontrollable for those feeling it. Jealousy is a form of Kufr but Zena is also a form of Kufr and pornograpy all acts of kufr. The question is when you have this Spiritual illness how to cure it? When a person is sick we visit them and pray for their recovery

inshallah.

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Unlike many strong shia brothers and sisters on this site, I simply cannot sit and memorize a hadith and pretend to understand and follow it for a while until the reality of the situation comes back to bite me. Some of you guys can do this, I cant. I also feel there is difference of perception. My work, which I believe is purely within the boundaries of religion, will not and must not be stopped because my wife wants to be certain way. I had to admit, things tend to get worse, but then things get better. We have ZERO sex life, because we dont find each other attractive. We have very different view on religion, she believes in the Sharia and she doesntc care if she understands it. I do not want to do everything in life blindly. Herein lies the problem, she some times consciously makes an effort to sabotage my work. And I was looking for someone to understand the importance of having a balance in life . this creates a problem. Oh btw she's threatened to divorce me if id want to marry again. So im stuck with a woman who I know is in essence a good girl, who follows religion but is a total contrast to a woman who should be by my side. Taking life in stride.

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Unlike many strong shia brothers and sisters on this site, I simply cannot sit and memorize a hadith and pretend to understand and follow it for a while until the reality of the situation comes back to bite me. Some of you guys can do this, I cant. I also feel there is difference of perception. My work, which I believe is purely within the boundaries of religion, will not and must not be stopped because my wife wants to be certain way. I had to admit, things tend to get worse, but then things get better. We have ZERO sex life, because we dont find each other attractive. We have very different view on religion, she believes in the Sharia and she doesntc care if she understands it. I do not want to do everything in life blindly. Herein lies the problem, she some times consciously makes an effort to sabotage my work. And I was looking for someone to understand the importance of having a balance in life . this creates a problem. Oh btw she's threatened to divorce me if id want to marry again. So im stuck with a woman who I know is in essence a good girl, who follows religion but is a total contrast to a woman who should be by my side. Taking life in stride.

Sounds like you would both be better off with someone else.

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Unlike many strong shia brothers and sisters on this site, I simply cannot sit and memorize a hadith and pretend to understand and follow it for a while until the reality of the situation comes back to bite me. Some of you guys can do this, I cant. I also feel there is difference of perception. My work, which I believe is purely within the boundaries of religion, will not and must not be stopped because my wife wants to be certain way. I had to admit, things tend to get worse, but then things get better. We have ZERO sex life, because we dont find each other attractive. We have very different view on religion, she believes in the Sharia and she doesntc care if she understands it. I do not want to do everything in life blindly. Herein lies the problem, she some times consciously makes an effort to sabotage my work. And I was looking for someone to understand the importance of having a balance in life . this creates a problem. Oh btw she's threatened to divorce me if id want to marry again. So im stuck with a woman who I know is in essence a good girl, who follows religion but is a total contrast to a woman who should be by my side. Taking life in stride.

This could get really bitter which will make the rest of your life bad. You will also have no children. This is not what is a marriage.

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So my mother says I must try to salvage marriage. And I keep telling her what is the point, I do not want children with a women who might teach them how to piss on the infidel all the time and never embrace the reality.

i don't think i could put up with that either, if there is something i can't stand, yet it is a very common issue in our community, is ignorant people who want to be ultra-religious on everything yet they have absolutly no idea why they are being ultra-religious, that realy annoys me!! 'ZERO' sex life even before kids probably seals the deal....get out of this marriage and maybe both of yous wil meet the right people.

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how can u even consider this a problem in your marriage? sheesh...some ppl make the smallest things into problems..just delete all the females....why shuld it matter..she is ur wife and she has full rights over u..

I advise you to read on, The problem is a bit worse than that as we discover on post no. #49 on this thread.

Edited by south-lebanon

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Guest a.shia.muslim.brother.110

Salam Alaikum,

Ive been a silent observer here for a few years now. This is a great website for people from all walks of life to discuss matters of mutual interest.

I am starting this post in hopes of sharing my experiences with my fellow members here and to get their view about my debacle. I got married to girl from Shiamatch and now I am regretting it because she turned out to be a very different person than how it seemed on the match making website. Im not going to give her name as this post in just so I understand what I might be able to do differently to make things better. However I suggest thorough investigations into the person (and his or her past) who you only know from a website. The sad part is that she is not a bad person at all. We're just not a good match. Has anyone else here gone through something like this ?

Salam u alaykom,

I actually found my ex-wife from shiamatch.com and ended up divorcing :(

assalam u alaykom

Edited by a.shia.muslim.brother.110

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How are you coping now brother? Inshallah I hope that your relationship has improved have patience and deal with the issues you have because you're married now nO room for regrets. Work on your relationship and deal with the issues and this will make a stronger bond for the rest of your lives a difficult start is better than problems later on installer wish you all the best

i don't think i could put up with that either, if there is something i can't stand, yet it is a very common issue in our community, is ignorant people who want to be ultra-religious on everything yet they have absolutly no idea why they are being ultra-religious, that realy annoys me!! 'ZERO' sex life even before kids probably seals the deal....get out of this marriage and maybe both of yous wil meet the right people.

That's not nice you should be careful about the advice you give divorce is not an option it is something to resort to once everything else fails and it should be the 100th thing to do god forbid. Marriage is not an easy ride it needs to be worked on and with time you build trust and it takes time god forbid someone acts on your advice. I hope I haven't offended you but what you've said is very dangerous

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That's not nice you should be careful about the advice you give divorce is not an option it is something to resort to once everything else fails and it should be the 100th thing to do god forbid. Marriage is not an easy ride it needs to be worked on and with time you build trust and it takes time god forbid someone acts on your advice. I hope I haven't offended you but what you've said is very dangerous

firstly brother/sister, you havn't offended me at all, i respect, am concious of, and actually enjoy seeing diffrence of opinions where people can shed alternative ideas, i hope in this case they can or have worked things out and im prooven wrong, that would be the best thing to happen because i do understand every situation is unique. Im just baseing my opinion on the information that the OP gave me which is based more on the lickley outcome on percentages, ofcoarse divorse is not a positive thing and should be avoided at "nearly" all costs, but as humans we are not perfect, we don't make the correct decisions and sometimes two people that marry may not be compatible for one another at all, and by them actually staying together they can be actually doing more harm than good, they can try counseling, but they are haveing these serious issues yet they are still in a honneymoon period, this is "normally" a ominous indication things are not looking too good for the future, sometimes its better to cut your losses and run( i dont mean literally), maybe try and seek to start a new family elsewhere, mr or mrs right can be witing for them right round the corner if they move on, because TBH i can't think of nothing worse than bringing kids into the world when their family is already on a sinking ship .

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firstly brother/sister, you havn't offended me at all, i respect, am concious of, and actually enjoy seeing diffrence of opinions where people can shed alternative ideas, i hope in this case they can or have worked things out and im prooven wrong, that would be the best thing to happen because i do understand every situation is unique. Im just baseing my opinion on the information that the OP gave me which is based more on the lickley outcome on percentages, ofcoarse divorse is not a positive thing and should be avoided at "nearly" all costs, but as humans we are not perfect, we don't make the correct decisions and sometimes two people that marry may not be compatible for one another at all, and by them actually staying together they can be actually doing more harm than good, they can try counseling, but they are haveing these serious issues yet they are still in a honneymoon period, this is "normally" a ominous indication things are not looking too good for the future, sometimes its better to cut your losses and run( i dont mean literally), maybe try and seek to start a new family elsewhere, mr or mrs right can be witing for them right round the corner if they move on, because TBH i can't think of nothing worse than bringing kids into the world when their family is already on a sinking ship .

But the honeymoon period is the hardest time because the first few years is the adjustment period in our own families issues arise let alone living with your partner. A bad start will build a good future life is a learning test it's important to do your questioning before marriage because marriage is long term. I mean to say sometimes we're not aware of our actions but we learn together and grow together as a couple I think everyone deserves a chance

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Salaam to all,

Unfortunately or furtunetley I have been through the same thing but, I do think somewhere somehow you and your partner have to be in common in something , in behaviour or religion, culture, and if you are not in the same culture religion Is the main part to be in common in any other things . My marriage life was and is a bit different , in the bigining was ok but later as my bro-in-low got involve in our reconciling I always had to compromie. In front of me in my side and behind my back against me, I know that because accidentally I got to hear his advise to my husband. By the way I got married to a Sunni man who was ready to convert to what I am., but because of honesty he showed I said that is good enough for me, but as later on his brother got involve in everything of ours my husband got pulled away from me and the kids and all. Now all my family is connected to a thread , anyone can pull the thread and he can get brain washed and I loose my family. And it's not as easy as it looks. Ive been through a lot of obstacles. I tried doing everything to harm my self because I was fed up, up to extent that i went for seperation. my bro-in-low was telling me that I can't do anything if your husband doesn't love you. But that was what he had put in my husband's head. Any way cutting the story short I tried and still tring to make him understand I care for him but sometimes he understand and other times doesn't , big or I should say we have a huge cultural difference, religion difrence, humanity difference and lot more . But I am praying to Allah to bring him to the right path and make our love towards each other more. You never know when the wheel turns and Allah answers all your prays. you can do a lot when you are not married yet, but after marrieg you have to look at things differently.

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Salam flower 30 it must be extremely difficult for you. I wonder why some people live as though there is no hereafter I was reading the Qur'an today and it says people will face the punishment of their actions it's just a matter of time. I pray that your problems are solved inshallah. Your husband should wake up and take responsibility sorry to hear your facing troubles in your own home all the best inshallah

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So over the past year, we kept fighting on the extent of Halal and Haram. Who could I contact and who I couldnt contact. And how I sneezed and how I couldve sneezed in a more mustahib manner. Im not trying to make light of this, but the true fact is I see life here as a chance to do better every day. Why live with a person who does not believe in doing more , and instead pulls you under as well.

Later on I also found out that my wife's mother who basically is a Zakira had been unhappy with me on a few things. And that my wife perhaps listened to her a little too much. The funny thing is that my wife is a good woman. She really is. But as a man who wants to leave a legacy behind, I cannot be the man she wants me to be -just in and out of an Imambargah and nothing to do with civic engagement , society and social participation.

We're on a month's separation now and we have spoken to the Resident Aalim about a divorce. It is sad and unfortunate but we could not continue to be in a marriage where, for her I was the man who took religion lightly and for me, she was the woman who couldnt understand the real reason for why we are blessed to be Human Beings.

Salaam to all,

Unfortunately or furtunetley I have been through the same thing but, I do think somewhere somehow you and your partner have to be in common in something , in behaviour or religion, culture, and if you are not in the same culture religion Is the main part to be in common in any other things . My marriage life was and is a bit different , in the bigining was ok but later as my bro-in-low got involve in our reconciling I always had to compromie. In front of me in my side and behind my back against me, I know that because accidentally I got to hear his advise to my husband. By the way I got married to a Sunni man who was ready to convert to what I am., but because of honesty he showed I said that is good enough for me, but as later on his brother got involve in everything of ours my husband got pulled away from me and the kids and all. Now all my family is connected to a thread , anyone can pull the thread and he can get brain washed and I loose my family. And it's not as easy as it looks. Ive been through a lot of obstacles. I tried doing everything to harm my self because I was fed up, up to extent that i went for seperation. my bro-in-low was telling me that I can't do anything if your husband doesn't love you. But that was what he had put in my husband's head. Any way cutting the story short I tried and still tring to make him understand I care for him but sometimes he understand and other times doesn't , big or I should say we have a huge cultural difference, religion difrence, humanity difference and lot more . But I am praying to Allah to bring him to the right path and make our love towards each other more. You never know when the wheel turns and Allah answers all your prays. you can do a lot when you are not married yet, but after marrieg you have to look at things differently.

I see what you mean.

I am really a very different man. I guess I believe in a very different Islam than most people here. I mean it is simple for me ... If I pray awal waqt and fast regularly will that save me when Im being uncool with my wife. I dont think so. Because Namaz and Fasting are like training for our body and soul. If I got that training and threw it out of the window, who is to blame?

But there will always be people trying to justify one wrong with another. I hope things are better for you now.

How are you coping now brother? Inshallah I hope that your relationship has improved have patience and deal with the issues you have because you're married now nO room for regrets. Work on your relationship and deal with the issues and this will make a stronger bond for the rest of your lives a difficult start is better than problems later on installer wish you all the best

That's not nice you should be careful about the advice you give divorce is not an option it is something to resort to once everything else fails and it should be the 100th thing to do god forbid. Marriage is not an easy ride it needs to be worked on and with time you build trust and it takes time god forbid someone acts on your advice. I hope I haven't offended you but what you've said is very dangerous

Divorce is never a good option. In our case, I feel it is such a disastrous solution because I know the right path is of moderation . But my wife's mother is using her 'intellect' to justify our perspective divorce to the Aalim . I cant blame the Aalim, he is a very very busy man and has to take her work. My hands are also tied, since I cant force a woman to look at the glass half full. The epidemic of religious self righteousness and extremism has to end otherwise families will perish.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

I cant say I agree with both of you and your disposition of making fun of a man in pain. :)

Why not just say:

My "Wife" Is the Husband in this marriage.

I am just the "Housewife"

:shifty:

Good day,

~El Cid

P.S: Your Man-license is now revoked ^_^

(wasalam)

=3

=3

=3

=3

=3

=3

I cant say I agree with both of you and your disposition of making fun of a man in pain. :)

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I know i might be reprimanded for saying this, but before you bring any kid into this world, you need to evaluate if you could live like this for the rest of your life. Now i don't know the scale of all your problems, but sit down with her, talk and discuss it. If you need to divorce, then do it. I'd advise meeting someone in real life first, as online dating rarely works.

Btw, i would be over the moon if a woman discarded her male friends and told me to do the same. That's actually a dream of mine. I am not insecure, but i know guys. I know men and women can never be 'just friends'. We are biologically programmed to want certain things. I don't buy the 'best guy' friend. Trust me on this. Sure, have 'friends' but keep a distance.

If your 'friendship' is innocent and strictly for work or such than that's fine.

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