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Ismahan007

Would You Marry Someone Who Was Divorced..mut'ahss

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lying and cheating is not from the sunnah of the prophet. yes, i aso blv muta'h is allowed but that doesn't give any man the right to lie and tell his wife he has no kids when in fact he has one from another wife. a cheat is a cheat!

I don't think anyone here is defending such behaviour.

Nourhan, what Haydar said.

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^Always searching

I agree with you sister, it's absolutely unislamic to reject someone just because they have been married or done muta'h before. the fact that he was married or was in muta'h indicates that he was ''trying'' to keep himself from harram, however don't you think that if someone was married many times and done muta'h as well, then doesn't the girl has the right to be concerned about her own future with this man cos if he divorced many times what prevents him from divorcing you too. i mean it might be an easy thing for him do since he done it b4 many times? is she right by thinking this way is my question?

thanks sister:)

Yes, the woman (or man) should always study the reasons why the person has divorced or had many temporary marriages. It may well be that they have wanted a permanent marriage and it just hasn’t worked out, for perfectly legitimate reasons.

Or it may be that this person dumps others for invalid reasons or just wants to taste and then move onto the next person. That type of person is selfish and is not interested in obeying God. God says in the Quran ‘the wasters are the brothers of the devil.’ So a truly religious man or woman would keep away from a person who is a waster.

The main point is that a girl has to be concerned about the person she is considering marrying regardless of what she knows about his past or present. She has to investigate any potential husband very thoroughly, because she is putting her future in that person’s hands.

First she has to know what she really wants and doesn’t want, because she can’t find what she wants in another person if she doesn’t even know it herself. Then she has to devise effective ways of testing the man for the qualities she is looking for and the qualities that she wants to avoid.

For me the only man I can really trust to not do injustice to me is a man whose priority is obeying Allah. Because if there is ever a problem between us, there is a constitution that we have both agreed to follow that will provide a just solution to our problem. I believe God is Just and therefore He provides a perfect set of laws for humanity that will lead to their happiness. So if we are both trying our utmost to be slaves of Allah and follow His guidance, then the benefit we provide each other will far outweigh the harm.

Imam Ali says: ‘know the truth, and you will know the truthful.’ If a girl claims that she wants someone who is truly religious, then she has to know what the truth really is, otherwise she will never be able to identify the truthful, and she is at risk of being harmed.

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^Always searching

I agree with you sister, it's absolutely unislamic to reject someone just because they have been married or done muta'h before. the fact that he was married or was in muta'h indicates that he was ''trying'' to keep himself from harram, however don't you think that if someone was married many times and done muta'h as well, then doesn't the girl has the right to be concerned about her own future with this man cos if he divorced many times what prevents him from divorcing you too. i mean it might be an easy thing for him do since he done it b4 many times? is she right by thinking this way is my question?

thanks sister:)

What if you don't want to marry such a person?

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all the women who are crying about STD's (promoted by one sister as it only takes one bad fish) do know that 95% of american population has EBV virus right? Also called the "kissing disease", it can lead to many cancers right? In case those who dont know, EBV is a form of Herpes virus and is not an STD but it can spread through other means hence its called kissing disease.

Might as well go and get tested and then do guys a favor and stay away from them.

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all the women who are crying about STD's (promoted by one sister as it only takes one bad fish) do know that 95% of american population has EBV virus right? Also called the "kissing disease", it can lead to many cancers right? In case those who dont know, EBV is a form of Herpes virus and is not an STD but it can spread through other means hence its called kissing disease.

Might as well go and get tested and then do guys a favor and stay away from them.

What? Because I don't want STD's......

Don't throw in a red herring about EBV or mono.........I can't believe you will be a doctor....you should work on your bedside manner.

Let me ask a better question.....would YOUUUUUUU marry a woman with an STD? I bet not....so why don't the "sisters" have a right to reject an STD?

Edited by ImAli

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What if you don't want to marry such a person?

It is your choice, but it might be a bit problematic to be in a postion where you reject someone for following the advice of the Imams (as). If they tell men to practice muta, and then you reject those men for that reason, then you are indirectly going against the Imams (as).

What? Because I don't want STD's......

Don't throw in a red herring about EBV or mono.........I can't believe you will be a doctor....you should work on your bedside manner.

Let me ask a better question.....would YOUUUUUUU marry a woman with an STD? I bet not....so why don't the "sisters" have a right to reject an STD?

You don't have to marry someone with an STD. If it makes you feel safer, then get tests done before marriage. You have no way of being sure about any man you marry anyway. He could very well have done muta, or even zina, without anyone finding out.

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It is your choice, but it might be a bit problematic to be in a postion where you reject someone for following the advice of the Imams (as). If they tell men to practice muta, and then you reject those men for that reason, then you are indirectly going against the Imams (as).

You don't have to marry someone with an STD. If it makes you feel safer, then get tests done before marriage. You have no way of being sure about any man you marry anyway. He could very well have done muta, or even zina, without anyone finding out.

Didn't you read what I wrote earlier in the thread? ON THE FIRST PAGE....I said I wouldn't hold it against him....and I wouldn't even hold zina against him because humans screw up then change. I wasn't born yesterday mister......I am MUCH MORE aware than many of you would like to realize......believe that :shaytan:

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It is your choice, but it might be a bit problematic to be in a postion where you reject someone for following the advice of the Imams (as). If they tell men to practice muta, and then you reject those men for that reason, then you are indirectly going against the Imams (as).

Precisely. It is my choice and I don't want to marry a guy who has previously practised mutah.

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No, a girl isn't indirectly going against Imams if she rejects a mutah-king. It's is a matter of choice; clear, free and personal choice which is a prerogative of every girl. Islam doesn't put restrictions on it. Your interpretations is extremely misleading. It concludes that a girl is going against Imams for rejecting a guy who has contracted mutah(s). It's like girl's rejecting someone who is now divorced. Perfectly legitimate personal choice.

Why are you bringing up terms like 'mutah-king'? Please don't purposely distort what I wrote. The narrations are crystal clear that it is highly recommended for men to practice muta at least once in their lifetimes (I am not talking about someone who has done dozens of mutas here). This is the recommendation of the Imams (as). If a woman then rejects a man for following that recommendation, she is indicating that she does not approve of the advice given by the Imams. What other possible interpretation is there? Another way of putting it is if you dislike that a man has done muta, then you are in the position of disliking something liked by Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì. I'm not sure how a Muslim can be comfortable with that.

I never said that a woman didn't have the freedom to marry who she wanted. She can impose whatever criteria she wants, but whether all those criteria are islamically valid is another question. Let's put it this way, if a father rejected a marriage proposal for his daughter based on the fact that the person proposing had practiced muta, then I doubt his objection would be valid, and his opinion could probably be disregarded.

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What? Because I don't want STD's......

Don't throw in a red herring about EBV or mono.........I can't believe you will be a doctor....you should work on your bedside manner.

Let me ask a better question.....would YOUUUUUUU marry a woman with an STD? I bet not....so why don't the "sisters" have a right to reject an STD?

my point was that this is being implied that anyone who has done mutah somehow has STD and this is being thrown out in almost all marriage/mutah threads. And this is actually negatively effecting the younger sisters mentality where they believe that any man who has done mutah has an STD.

Considering that you are married and work in health department, the information you throw out here, the younger sisters read that and follow it. So everytime you bring out the STD card, most sisters believe that now.

Unless that is actually what you are trying to do is keeping sisters away from a pious man who has done mutah?

^^ adding on to that you do know how the thought process works: pious man--> works hard good family--> has done mutah --> STD --> reject. Some sisters have done that so many times that mutah is becoming synonymous with STD, even though you dont realize how its effecting younger minds.

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You could also say I am sick of the ignorance about the issue that is being spread in the community. In fact a few years ago before right before I got married I went to get an HPV shot (when they first came out).

Do you know what the muslim LPN told me? She said, "You don't need to get one of those shots....arab girls don't sleep around."

WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME THAT SHE TOLD ME THAT?????.....YEAH BUT 99 PERCENT OF THE ARAB BOYS SLEEP WITH ANYTHING THAT HAS LEGS BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED! That is why I want it! because you never know what your husband has done or who he has been with....even if he appears to be a perfect angel.

Well said.

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My view on STD’s and marriage:

- All the major STD’s (that I am aware of) that are life threatening or seriously debilitating and many of the minor ones can be tested for, so the risk of serious harm from them can be mitigated by testing. Almost all of the other ones can be easily discovered when they occur and are easily treatable. So it could be that the harm that would come from rejecting a suitable person would be greater than the harm that would come from the potential risk of contracting one of these temporary, more minor diseases. I will give more info about STDs at the bottom.

- You can’t be sure that anyone doesn’t have an STD, they could have lied to you about their past (like the girls who have many fornication partners and then do the virginity surgery to cover up). In fact it is very common for people to lie about their past relationships because they will pay a big price in this culture if they do tell the truth. The only way to be 100% sure you won’t be exposed to the risk of catching an STD is to be celibate. Sometimes the ‘solution’ to a problem causes a greater problem than the original problem itself, as you can see with the example of staying celibate. I believe the ‘solution’ of only marrying ‘the never married before’ will create far more harm than benefit, just like the ‘solution’ of celibacy for this problem. Not only that but a spouse may lie and have relations while married (which is very common) and pass STDs this way as well.

- I believe it is wrong to refuse to marry someone who has been married before (after testing for the major STD’s) just because there is a small chance they might have an STD, which can be easily treated if contracted. Contracting a disease is not the only harm that needs to be avoided in life. What you could be losing by not marrying them could be a far greater loss, than the benefit of the false feeling that you are 100% sure you won’t get an STD. You could be losing the person who will guide you away from hell and towards heaven. For a perceived temporary benefit of avoid a minor STD, you risk suffering a far greater harm of burning in hell (which may not be temporary). And as I mentioned before you can’t be sure anyone else would have a lower risk of STDs (because they could be lying about their past and their present), so it would not lower your risk to reject this person anyway. You just suffer the loss of potential guidance for nothing.

- One definite harm that is being caused by rejecting a person just because they have married before, is that you are creating a very evil and damaging culture. You are basically saying that divorcees and widows can not marry again, and you are pushing them towards desperation and haraam. And you are causing many other problems like a culture of lying and an increase in fornication by those scared they will lose out on a permanent wife in the future if they marry young. Imam Ali says: ‘every time one door of halaal is closed, 1000 doors of haraam are opened.’ And a culture that represses the basic instinctual needs of the people will never be successful (such as the culture of one spouse only for an entire lifetime). It is unrealistic and unnatural, and instead a different system will and has arisen. A system of lying, hypocrisy, decrease of marriages, increase of fornication and serial monogamy (with disastrous effects such as the breaking up of families, look at how high the divorce rates are in today’s world).

- There are far more deadly diseases than the majority of the STDs that can’t be tested for. One of the most deadly infectious disease (causing the most deaths worldwide) is tuberculosis. You can catch this just by breathing the same air as a carrier. There are many similar very deadly diseases that you can catch just from engaging in everyday situations. The solution to never catch these diseases is to completely avoid human contact. So as you can see sometimes a ‘solution’ to avoid a problem will cause far bigger problems than the one it solves. Even if a person decides to just avoid places with a lot of people (like shopping centres, mosques and public transport), they could be creating far greater problems than the problem of being exposed to a minor risk.

- The purpose of life is not to just avoid catching diseases. God wants us to be missionary and reach out to others, and present the solutions to humanity (through our own example) that will lead to their happiness. There are risks of different harms coming to us every time we reach out to someone but sometimes the harm that will come from not reaching out to someone will be far greater than the harm that could potentially come from doing so.

- Main point Allah has given us a system with the best solutions for every situation we can face. We just need to study each situation and see what laws are relevant and apply them.

- Information about different STDs (I’m not from a medical background but this is from my own research and there may be other STDs I have not heard about, please do your own research also, it is good to be aware of these issues).

1. HIV/AIDS, can be tested for. HIV can now be prevented from ever becoming AIDS and causing death by taking regular medication.

2. Hepatitis B, can be tested for. There is also a vaccine to prevent contraction.

3. Human Papilloma Virus, there is a vaccination for many of the strains, it has a very low risk of becoming dangerous if contracted, can be very easily discovered in twice yearly pap test that all women are encouraged to take, and once discovered is very easy to treat.

4. Chlamydia, can be tested for in women and effectively treated.

5. Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Candidiasis (thrush), Crabs, Trichomoniasis, Chancroid, Granuloma inguinale, can be tested and treated

6. Scabies can be tested, are spread from any skin contact not just marital relations, can be managed.

7. Herpes, I want to research this one more, but from what I have understood is that either usually or always the man would show visible signs of an outbreak if he contracted this. Also that the symptoms can be managed quite well and outbreaks can be greatly reduced with medications.

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- I believe it is wrong to refuse to marry someone who has been married before (after testing for the major STD’s) just because there is a small chance they might have an STD, which can be easily treated if contracted. Contracting a disease is not the only harm that needs to be avoided in life. What you could be losing by not marrying them could be a far greater loss, than the benefit of the false feeling that you are 100% sure you won’t get an STD. You could be losing the person who will guide you away from hell and towards heaven. For a perceived temporary benefit of avoid a minor STD, you risk suffering a far greater harm of burning in hell (which may not be temporary). And as I mentioned before you can’t be sure anyone else would have a lower risk of STDs (because they could be lying about their past and their present), so it would not lower your risk to reject this person anyway. You just suffer the loss of potential guidance for nothing.

That is your choice and your belief........even if it meant I would remain single forever. I was celibate for 26 years.....and survived.

As for everything health related and about diseases.....thanks for the effort but I already studied it and passed the university exams and licensing board exams.

Also are you suggesting that a woman who refuses a marriage proposal and remains celibate will burn in hell?

Edited by ImAli

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Muhammad b. Muhammad b. an-Nu`man in Risalat al-Mut`a from Ja`far b. Muhammad b. Qulawayh from Sa`d b. `Abdullah from Ahmad b. Muhammad b. `Isa from Hisham b. Salim from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام. He said: It is recommended for the man to marry in mut`a, and I do not love that the man from you should leave the world until he marries in mut`a even once.

Can I please know why mut'ah is SO recommended? I'm pro-mut'ah, but I want to understand the underlying reasoning as to why it is recommended to such an extent that we should do it often, even if we are 'needless'. Anyone thought about this?

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Muhammad b. Muhammad b. an-Nu`man in Risalat al-Mut`a from Ja`far b. Muhammad b. Qulawayh from Sa`d b. `Abdullah from Ahmad b. Muhammad b. `Isa from Hisham b. Salim from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام. He said: It is recommended for the man to marry in mut`a, and I do not love that the man from you should leave the world until he marries in mut`a even once.

Can I please know why mut'ah is SO recommended? I'm pro-mut'ah, but I want to understand the underlying reasoning as to why it is recommended to such an extent that we should do it often, even if we are 'needless'. Anyone thought about this?

The ahadith tell you pretty clearly. It's about reviving the sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh).

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Why is it recommended more than permanent marriage? That's also the Sunnah of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وآله, you know.

It's not more recommended than permanent marriage. The point is that permanent marriage is not a sunnah that needs reviving since it was never forbidden by anyone, unlike muta.

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so you would ignore everything about that person and focus on divorce? that's wrong don't u think? divorce happen coz one of the people could be treating the other really badly.. I just don't think that's part of how a person should be evaluated, but u r the one living with urself so if u hate a divorcee so much don't do it.

btw, I am talking about a divorce not many muta'a relations for sleeping around sake.

Edited by wonderer

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The ahadith tell you pretty clearly. It's about reviving the sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh).

Yes, I agree with this.

Also I think the reasons why reviving this particular sunnah are so important can be emphasized through looking at two more narrations of Imam Ali.

1. He says: ‘Each time one door of halal is closed, 1000 doors of haraam are opened.’

2. He says: ‘If Umar had not prohibited temporary marriage, then no one would have committed adultery except the very evil.’

The first haddith talks about the horrendous consequences that come with closing a halaal solution provided by God. There are so many evil consequences that come with prohibiting the lawful marriage systems, which is why Imam Ali says ‘a thousand doors of haraam are opened.’ Examples of some of these haraam doors include: the break down of families, the increase in fornication, the increase in homosexuality and many other types of perversion, potential spouses losing a chance to receive the guidance that may save them, major emotional scars on the women who are passed over that could have been married, more illegitimate children who do not get to receive the love and security of a complete family, increase in crime, increase in emotional problems in both the male and the female (such as: anger, depression, suicide, marital dissatisfaction, marital quarrels, domestic abuse, etc) and major impacts on the faith of the effected people and those effected by them (such as rejecting a religion that does not appear to be compatible with human needs, or feeling as though they have betrayed their God and distancing themselves from the religion due to the overwhelming guilt of their sins).

The list of the 1000 doors of haraam that are opened are endless. To re-open and show that halaal door again for the people is priceless. This is why it is so important to revive the sunnah of the Prophets that are lost, this is why reviving temporary marriage and other abandoned systems of marriage is so highly encouraged and this is why the Prophet says: ‘the reward of one who revives a sunnah of the Prophets, at a time it is no longer practiced, is the reward of a thousand martyrs.’

In fact I believe it is wajib kifai on anyone who realizes that there is a need to revive a sunnah of the Prophet (and they are able to do so), for them to perform that action. The Prophet said: “If any of you saw an evil let them change it with their hand, if they can not then with their tongue, and if they can not then at least hate it in their heart and this is the lowest level of faith.”

The narration talking about how every man should perform mutah at least one time in their lifetime, makes a lot more sense when you study it from this angle. Imagine what would happen if every man did mutah (and freely admitted to it) at least once in his life? No longer would anyone be ashamed to admit to doing mutah, no longer would anyone be in fear to use this solution, no longer would any woman be able to reject a man in marriage because he had practiced mutah before, no longer would any Muslim not know that this is an available solution to their needs and that it will protect them from losing their faith.

The second narration talks about the consequence of prohibiting mutah which has led many to the act of fornication/adultery. To understand why this is so important, one must study the consequences of adultery/fornication, and they will see that these consequences are absolutely disastrous.

Adultery/fornication is a major sin and most who commit this sin (except for the very evil as mentioned in the narration), would feel a tremendous amount of guilt and self-disgust (at least when they first start committing this sin). And this utter feeling of self-disgust and of being a failure would drive a major distance between a person (with a conscience) and the closeness they feel to God. They would feel so ashamed of their action, yet they would feel as though they are compelled to continue in it, because they don’t know that there is a solution provided by God for their needs. Instead they start to feel at a distance from the religion and as a reaction they either lose faith in it because it does not seem relevant and applicable to real life, or they block out the sound of their conscience because it is too painful and they are able to continue in life by avoiding thinking about life at a deeper level.

I witnessed so many examples of this that I could tell so many stories. On one occasion I was sitting on a bus and 2 teenage boys in another row were having a discussion about religion. They said to each other, that Christianity was impossible to follow. Their aunt told them that they had to wait to have marital relations until they were married or they would go to hell. They said it is too hard, that they needed girls now, and that they hoped hell was not too bad. They did not know that God provided specific means to fulfill their needs. No one told them about early marriage and no one told them about one sentence they could say for temporary marriage and everything would be ok between them and their Lord.

I feel deeply hurt when I ponder this narration, that no one would have committed fornication except the very evil (and many similar narrations), because I think of person after person (that I have known or that I have heard about), who went down this path of evil. Both Muslims and Christians went down this path, because they thought fornication was the only way to fulfill their needs. The love of God and a desire to have a relationship with him, had been a rock for many of these people in their youth. But what they had been told God wanted from them, they believed was impossible for them to follow. They believed only ‘saintly people’ could follow these rules, and because of this they shut down their relationship with God and shut God out of their life.

They did not know that God loved them so much, that He would never be so cruel and place a need in them that He did not provide an outlet for fulfilling. They did not know that all they needed to do was to say one sentence and their relationship with God would be maintained, and seeing this kills me every time I witness or hear about another person’s story.

The truth is God wants for all humanity to be happy, and so He placed the need to have companionship inside of the people in order to bring them together and he placed rules to keep this relationship safe and nurturing. Marriage and the organization of human relationships into the institution of the family, is one of the major mercy’s Allah has provided to humanity. Family and marriage provide a safe and organized outlet for each member to receive the affection, support, guidance and everything else they need from these relationships. The institution of marriage with its’ specific rules protect this place of safety, peace, comfort and nurture that every person needs to truely flourish.

Subhanallah, when you marry or you become a mother and you ponder about the amount of love you feel towards your spouse or your baby and you reflect how this relationship was created by God, you realize just how amazing God is. How He loved you so much he wanted you to feel this overwhelming feeling of happiness and love from being with your dear ones.

I want people to know who God is, I want people to know how much He loves them and wants to look after them in every way. I want them to see the proof of this, I want them to see that God never left them alone and unguided, He was always there and He wanted to protect us from ever falling into any hurt and guide each one of us to our greatest happiness possible. God is the one who created the love and the mercy that a mother has for her child. Just reflect on how a mother truly is. A mother is so merciful that she has patience and even more patience for her child, all she wants is the best for her child, she forgives the child one hurt after another and keeps giving him more chances to do good, she does not mind how much work she has to do for him, how much time she has to spend on him providing him lesson after lesson and everything he needs nor how tired she becomes. She does all this, not wanting anything in return from him, all she wants is to guide him and for him to grow into a good person for the sake of his own happiness. If this is the mercy of a mother, just imagine how merciful the one who created this relationship must be?

There is a narration that speaks about the level of the mercy of the mother. The narration says: ‘Prophet Musa witnessed a man trying to push his mother off a mountain to kill her. Even while the son was trying to kill his mother, the mother still worried about him. He heard the mother say to the son “be careful when you are going down the mountain that you don’t trip and get hurt.” In that instant Prophet Musa asked “What kind of mercy is this?” Then the call came down “By God I swear that Gods mercy for his slaves is even greater than the mercy of this mother for her child.’

And even with this best of examples we still can not comprehend His level of love and Mercy for us. The most repeated and therefore emphasised name of Allah in the Quran, is that He is Ar- Rahman, Ar-Raheem, the Merciful, the Compassionate. The level of emphasis and repetition shows us that this is what God most wants us to know about Him. He wants us to never be afraid of turning to Him for His protection. Another narration on God’s mercy that blew me away, talked about how on the day of judgement when Shaytaan sees how many people are being allowed to enter paradise and how easily people are being allowed to enter, he lines up thinking it is his turn to enter next.

This is why I believe we need to fight for this, Imam Ali says ‘God simplified the ways of obedience.’ The full view of God’s mercy is being covered, God’s perfect solutions are being covered and this is preventing people from knowing who God really is and this is creating a distance between them and Him.

This is why the one’s who are sincerely fighting for the revival of the sunnah’s of the Prophets and the revival of God’s laws are fighting a true jihad, they will become punching bags and a ridicule in society, but God is Greater, AllahuAkbar.

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A guy proposed me but due to some reason I refused and after that he performed Mutah, he again approached me but I can never say YES.

But he said me once, If someone has perfomed mutah, he/she doesn't have to tell the spouse abt Mutah (as its not necessary)

I wonder if I marry a guy who has performed Mutah before and somehow I got to know about that after our marriage, how will I react :S

WALLAH ALAM

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Salam alikum, most men that i know of around me who are really pious momins (not the ones who are only about salat, fast, etc but actually helpers of Islam) have performed mutah at least once. So, most likely any guy you meet in usa has performed it if he hasnt done any haram. Only ones that havnt done it are young guys 17-22 who are too shy or just dont agree to mutah, or ones that decided to remain celibate which is almost impossible for a guy to do without doing haram acts.

Secondly, when brothers sit down we encourage to marriage young and if thats not possible then to do mutah. This includes few maulanas and really knowledgable scholars. The reason for that is when a guy is clouded with lust he doesnt see anything else and to take care of this he ends up doing alot of haram. The obvious solution is to take care of that "hunger" so the mind is clear and you can do what you came in the world to do: serve islam.

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