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Marriage... Seems Strange

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Salam,

Maybe i shouldve posted this on the brothers forum, but then again, the married would probably have better answers.

In Islam we are told not to look at la mahrams as much as we can. Furthermore we are told not to look at sexual images (picture, film etc) no matter what... Like its a very big haram, Not to be done no matter what (exept the exemptions of course, like if your life is threatened).

Just because of islam, i have obeyed that; i have been constantly made fun of but i dont care because its Allah's order. But im worried.

My friends, and many other i know, watch porn, gaze at women, look at haram pictures and, they understand sex very well. On the other hand: me :(

I've always tried to close my eye on the slightest sexual images (like kissing) and now im worried for my marriage. Its like im thinking, when i marry, i dont know what to do! I dont even know how a vagina (Pls Pls Excuse my language, im trying to use as many polite words that i can, i dont mean to be rude at all) looks! i dont know what to do.

Im scared i might not be able to please my future woman. Im also very naive and since i've kept much distance from the issue, i dont have as much info as my other momin brothers do.

So, im worried :( . What do the married have to say? Must be a lot of ppl like me here, how did u solve the prblm.

To mods: pls dont delete this, It isnt rude and its only a question to help me with my worry. Sorry for any words which may look rude ^_^

Wasalam

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Just because of islam, i have obeyed that; i have been constantly made fun of but i dont care because its Allah's order. But im worried.

My friends, and many other i know, watch porn, gaze at women, look at haram pictures and, they understand sex very well. On the other hand: me :(

Why are you sad? You obeyed Allah swt so you should not be sad. Don’t try to follow your friends when they are only disobeying Allah swt.

I've always tried to close my eye on the slightest sexual images (like kissing) and now im worried for my marriage. Its like im thinking, when i marry, i dont know what to do!

Im scared i might not be able to please my future woman. Im also very naive and since i've kept much distance from the issue, i dont have as much info as my other momin brothers do.

So, im worried :( . What do the married have to say? Must be a lot of ppl like me here, how did u solve the prblm.

To mods: pls dont delete this, It isnt rude and its only a question to help me with my worry. Sorry for any words which may look rude ^_^

Wasalam

There is nothing to prepare now just make sure you are a good learner once you are married.

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Bro...

Ur gonna do just fine...

Trust me...

You will know exactly what to do when the time comes, just follow ur instinct...and it will all work out.

looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

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(bismillah)

(salam)

Brother, try not to worry, as you are much better off not knowing (at least at the moment). I know quite a few Muslim brothers who are practically addicted to watching pornography and masturbating, and trust me, it is not a situation you want to be in. I think you are extremely lucky that Allah (SWT) has blessed you with the faith not to look at these types of images, and like mentioned above, if you get married to a virgin woman, you'll both be just as inexperienced :P. It may be just me, but I think this is a trap by Shaitan (LA) to try and get you worried you don't know, so you may begin to look and eventually get hooked. Also, surely Allah (SWT) would not let your efforts of looking away go to waste, and hopefully you will be rewarded with the knowledge when you truly need it,

Edited by AlAbd AlThaleel

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Salam,

Maybe i shouldve posted this on the brothers forum, but then again, the married would probably have better answers.

In Islam we are told not to look at la mahrams as much as we can. Furthermore we are told not to look at sexual images (picture, film etc) no matter what... Like its a very big haram, Not to be done no matter what (exept the exemptions of course, like if your life is threatened).

Just because of islam, i have obeyed that; i have been constantly made fun of but i dont care because its Allah's order. But im worried.

My friends, and many other i know, watch porn, gaze at women, look at haram pictures and, they understand sex very well. On the other hand: me :(

I've always tried to close my eye on the slightest sexual images (like kissing) and now im worried for my marriage. Its like im thinking, when i marry, i dont know what to do! I dont even know how a vagina (Pls Pls Excuse my language, im trying to use as many polite words that i can, i dont mean to be rude at all) looks! i dont know what to do.

Im scared i might not be able to please my future woman. Im also very naive and since i've kept much distance from the issue, i dont have as much info as my other momin brothers do.

So, im worried :( . What do the married have to say? Must be a lot of ppl like me here, how did u solve the prblm.

To mods: pls dont delete this, It isnt rude and its only a question to help me with my worry. Sorry for any words which may look rude ^_^

Wasalam

mashAllah bro really happy to hear that. Reminds me of me when i started high school i didnt even know how a baby is born (i literally used to believe angels leave us in our parents home). From what i have heard, you will get it. Offcourse, your wife wouldnt know much either so both of you will probably learn from it.

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porn = good sex knowledge? THAT IS A MYTH

every Muslim need to educate himself/herself in issues like this, and there are many strictly educational books about it that you can read that has graphs and what not.. looking at real images will just give u wrong ideas and SINS.. so go to the library and get a good book

and btw, those friends who want u to do haram w em r NOT real friends

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to the OP

porn actually makes you gay, because you spend an equal amount of time looking at a naked mans penis as you do a woman, eventually you become accustomed and comfortable with looking at another mans junk and admiring his body. its all downhill from there im afraid.

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How old is the OP?

You can learn these things in biology and anatomy class.

For your friends who learned it the "other" way, they will be depressed when their expectations fall short. Real life does not work the way these videos present.

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I've many friends who used to watch porn and you know bad boys talk when they do that. I've heard guys after guys who were avid porn watchers and would not know a thing to do when the real thing came in front of them. In fact some of them complained that their sexual experiences with real women were in reality much worse than they had wanted it to because they tried to do things which the porn actors did with those women and in the process made their wife, gf, or sexual partner hated them.

Bottom line porn is not reality, most of it is fiction, all the roughing and touching and stuff going on hurts more than it gives pleasure to women, and some of the moves are totally unrelistic and are pure fantasy.

Compare it with unrealistic infatuated love they do in Bollywood movies, porn is also very unrealistic. Only a psycho can romantically love they way they love in Bollywood movies. Only a sicco can do those things to fake rubber doll what they do with women in porn movies.

If you ever know what happens to those women in prepping up for those porn episodes, you will know how unrealistic the whole thing is. First they remain without food for couple of days to reduce "gag reflux", they are vaccinated with pain killers right in the soft inner layers of vagina so they do not feel the pain, men drink some weird fluids for the same reason, the size of the organs are all fake with using lenses in the cameras, the whole hour long huffing and puffing is all fake as well, all you need to do is uncover a leyer from it and you will know it hurts more in sexual awareness than helps.

You are much better off not knowing all this and inshAllah once you get married to a pious woman and inshAllah all the post marriage experiences you will have, you both will cherish those more fully without knowing all this satanic trash.

Lastly think about all the ulema and other sincere momineen, who are married and have much more stable, honorable, loving, caring, romantic, and peaceful lives without dirtying their thoughts with these things.

Also since you are such a rarity among today's men so inshAllah am sure Allah must have kept his special and most beautiful momina from His creations to be your wife, so just ask Allah to give you the reward of this good deed in this world and also in the next world. He is most giving, so just watch how and from which ways he blesses you and make you the envy of others.

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(bismillah)

(salam)

Very nice answers given by SC users :) .

To the OP:

Porn and pornography is smth new in this world (specially if u live in an islamic country like me) and ppl living just a couple of generations ago didnt have any porn to watch! So how did they learn sex?

Sexual feelings are innate. When god wants you to have halal sex, but tells you not to watch porn, it means he'll teach you himself! Its in the gene. example, When a spider is born, without being taught by anyone, it automatically starts making its home (sorry, poor english here :blush: ). Its in its genes where its told what to do, even though no one (not even the mother) has taught it and it has never seen any other spider do it before, but it knows, by its genes, how to do it exactly perfect.

Similarly, sex is in our gene too. Supposedly your adult enough to worry about the matter, remember when you were 15 and puberty came for the first time? Suddenly, the same girls which were normal ppl just like urself, seem special. You have a special feeling towards them. As you grow up, you begin to "feel" sex more. You will feel strange by looking at some body parts, like the neck.

It goes on and again youll feel like doing some things you've never thought abt or perhaps seen before. Im sure this has happened to you. This is Sex, innate, Its god teaching you himself.

Be sure, when the day comes, you will automatically do the right thing, and learn to be even better each time. Frankly, im sad for those ppl who try to learn sex via porn. Even If they do become a professional by watching they'll give it all to the bride the first day.

Special about those who dont watch, is that they keep learning and so, they keep giving new experience every time (one of the prblms in western marriage is that they feel like its the same thing all the time). Well, thats how i see it.

So look at the generations behind us who had no pornography to watch! to make things worse (for porn supporters) their hijab was MUCH tighter and it was even more than this: :Hijabi: (you couldnt even see the eye!). So how did they get along?

Also, in some family's there is a tradition (or maybe was) that the day before the man married, the elderly of the family would gather around the man and explain everything to the man; this means, he knew nothing by that time!

So no worries, god knows what he's up to ^_^

Edited by hossein

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Salaam,

Thanks for the answers :) . Made me feel better :) . But Zareen says learn after you marry? How do i learn after i marry?

(for some reason im not allowed to like your posts, wonder why? )

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How old is the OP?

You can learn these things in biology and anatomy class.

For your friends who learned it the "other" way, they will be depressed when their expectations fall short. Real life does not work the way these videos present.

Agree; Bigg this one is a perfect answer for U.

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But Zareen says learn after you marry? How do i learn after i marry?

When you are going to marry, your best-friend (with whom groom is accompanied) will tell you how it works, and similarly bride's best-friend will also tell her how she has to behave and help her husband.

So no need to worry for anything between the relations, you will have it all from the wedding night (so Zareen is talking about the same).

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Salams,

There is nothing you can gain by disobedience to Allah(s.w.a). All these things that these guys who watch porn think they gain is an illusion, and, like was said above, it will harm them very much when they are in a situation with a real women. Because you obeyed Allah(s.w.a) you will avoid this harm and you and your wife can figure things out together. Each couple is different as far as preferences in this area so there is no one 'right' way.

These guys who watch porn build up expectations in their mind about how 'it' is going to be. When they get in the actual situation, it is almost always very different from what they expected and this creates a big problem for them. Since you are going in with no expectations, whatever happens, you will be happy with it. This is the blessing.

The other blessing is that you will be more focused on your wife and her feelings and building a connection and lasting relationship with her, rather than just the physical act of intercourse. I think most married people will tell you that just the physical act isn't very satisfying if it is not accompanied by good feelings and emotions toward your partner and a spiritual connection. The guys you are talking about are mostly only focused on the physical act rather that they whole process of 'zawaj' which means joining with another person physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If you are only focused on the physical part, you will lose the other two and the act itself will never be satisfying and you will look for extra 'stimulation' maybe from haram things. If you look at the phrase 'zawaj tul Nikah' in arabic, which is the Islamic term for permenant marriage it literally means, 'joining together thru the act of sexual intercourse'. It doesn't just mean sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse is the main mechanism, but not the goal. The goal is joining together. If the zawaj doesn't happen, then the Nikah will become meaningless and trivial.

Edited by Abu Hadi

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Salaam,

Thanks for the answers :) . Made me feel better :) . But Zareen says learn after you marry? How do i learn after i marry?

(for some reason im not allowed to like your posts, wonder why? )

You need to be an advanced member (have at least 50 posts) to be able to do that

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Alaykom aslaam,

Well done to the OP for remaining disciplined and vigilent enough to avoid haram. Pray that God inshallah rewards you with a pious muslima who has also strived to remain chaste.

Your friends probably know too much about deviant sexual behaviour that is absolutely haram (hence you cannot engage in these things anyway) and virtually nothing about how to maintain a happy and healthy sexual relationship in the Islamic sense. This will undoubtedly have a negative effect on their future marriages.

If you want to know a bit about Islamic sexual etiquette, see these online books.

http://www.al-islam.org/sexualethics/

http://www.al-islam.org/heavenlypath/

Hope it helps, but don't worry yourself much with these things.

Waslaam

Edited by keys2paradise

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Salam

Wow guys i dont know what to say. At first i was like :( but now im like :lol: . I was worried abt marriage but now I feel a major prblm of mine has been solved. Im happy now and so so so hopeful to the future :) . I really dont know how to thank you guys :) (cant stop smiling lol! )

When you are going to marry, your best-friend (with whom groom is accompanied) will tell you how it works, and similarly bride's best-friend will also tell her how she has to behave and help her husband.

In our traditions our best-friend is REALLY our best friend. So he's not chosen by knowledge just by who we know to be our best friend; the best friend doesnt do anything except join you in the "shaking the guests hands" process! No info whatsoever because they expect you to already know!

Also, in some family's there is a tradition (or maybe was) that the day before the man married, the elderly of the family would gather around the man and explain everything to the man; this means, he knew nothing by that time!

Dont have that tradition in our family either :dry:

Also, a question for those who arent married yet. If you know whats gonna happen and have enough info now, where did you get that info from?

Also, i forgot to say im +20 years old. And its not that i havent seen anything, but i have tried to dodge them, but accidents happen. This "awakens" the "sex feelings".

Will it be haram to be thinking abt it in such an age. I mean like hossein said, it is true that you feel smthings but is it haram or bad to think abt it? It causes errection but no more. Is that bad?

( im like :blush: and i feel so embarrassed for asking these questions. Apologies)

Thanks everyone

http://www.al-islam.org/sexualethics/

http://www.al-islam.org/heavenlypath/

Hope it helps, but don't worry yourself much with these things.

Waslaam

Great books! Im so happy to have these Islamic books! Thankyou very much :D

You guys really changed my mood!

Edited by bigg

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One more thing OP -

1. You are not alone. There are so many of us who do not watch porn and who do not masturbate.

2. Get married ASAP. From what I can see, Iblees has a special eye for you :) , so get your parents have you married before the start of this Muharram. Even if you just do nikah and do the 'moving your wife to your home" part later, just doing nikah is going to give you and your wife this Islamic romantic love that you will forget all about sex and stuff (which comes later naturally anyway).

So no worries, just focus on getting married to a momina girl and don't waste your days in emotional loneliness.

Cheers!!

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One more thing OP -

1. You are not alone. There are so many of us who do not watch porn and who do not masturbate.

2. Get married ASAP. From what I can see, Iblees has a special eye for you :) , so get your parents have you married before the start of this Muharram. Even if you just do nikah and do the 'moving your wife to your home" part later, just doing nikah is going to give you and your wife this Islamic romantic love that you will forget all about sex and stuff (which comes later naturally anyway).

So no worries, just focus on getting married to a momina girl and don't waste your days in emotional loneliness.

Cheers!!

WFH,

Thankyou. Im not sure if the shaytan really has a special eye for me. I think you guys think im a very good person but thats not true. Im not as good as you think i am.

As for your post, i did mention that what you guys said helped me solve one of my prblms, but just one. I have one of two other major prblms too. One of them is that im very shy and have very low self confidence.

The quesion in the first post was in fact out of my "dis confidence of myself" thinking i would fail in everything. Im twenty and i have jobs waiting for me (small jobs not serious ones) but im too shy and too low confident to go :( . But thats another topic :) .

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OK, both of those things can be solved by a couple of simple thing:

1. Start workout, don;t have to join a gym if you can not due to time or money issues. Just start a program to walk 30 min. daily plus some body weight exercises such as push ups, pull ups, sit ups, etc. Ok this resolves your general self image problems.

2. WORK WORK WORk - start the job, work your *^& off there, learn the ropes, and then start your own business.

This is going to solve both of your issues (finances + self confidence) permanently inshAllah. I was reading about Steve Jobs's on wiki, and people like him should inspire those who quit too early or too lazy to even try. Something to learn from this person who spiritually was lost all his life but had one goal, and that was, to make him rich and to have a legacy.

And in doing so, keep your Islam straight, pay Khums and charity, do all other wajibat, and you will get the complete inner peace.

3. Then in parallel find a good momina wife, pray to Allah to give you a good mother for your children, compromise on her looks but do not compromise on religion and akhlaq, but be flexible. A lot of poeple change after they marry and become even better than they were pre-marriage.

Once you get the above three, you have gained what Imam Sadiq (as) said, "if you have a good spouse, a good house, and a good mode of mobility, you have half of heaven already. The other half you can attain with your good actions and correct beliefs".

And then make sure add some spice in your life, listen to what Imam Musa Al Kadhim (as) tell us "divide your day in 4 things - first for Allah and ibadat, 2nd for earning your livelihood, 3rd for our kins and relatives and friends, and 4th for having halal entertainment".

Do the above and you have filled your life with all kinds of fun and accomplishments.

God speed.

Edited by Waiting for HIM

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