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shia-gangsta

Do I Tell My Future Wife Of My Past?

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hi

guys, id like to know, if i as to marry, would i need to tell the wife to be about my previous relationships, ie mutah relations i may have had previsouly? or is this somthing i dont have to disclose and can keep a secret e ven if she ever asked me about it?

thank you

Shia G

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Mut'a aside, i think that if you haven't been an angel in your earlier life, you should at least allude to that fact; even if it is behind you (which insha Allah it would be), it wouldn't be fair on the woman you are going to marry if you go in acting like a saint. Because at some point if an espect of your past crops up it will probably have a bad impact on your marriage in terms of the respect she has for you, so it is better to avoid too many suprises.

I'm not saying make a list of every sin you have done, no specifics, as if Allah has concealed a sin, you don't through it back in His face by broadcasting it yourself, but just try not to make your past out to be something it isn't. If your are truely a changed person, that should shine through, and if the person can't live with that, so be it.

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hi

guys, id like to know, if i as to marry, would i need to tell the wife to be about my previous relationships, ie mutah relations i may have had previsouly? or is this somthing i dont have to disclose and can keep a secret e ven if she ever asked me about it?

thank you

Shia G

No you dont. I had this conversation with a scholar, you dont have to tell her anything about your past unless it will effect your future. If she asks just tell then its not her business, what happened is between Allah and You.

Why not tell her if you've been in mutah marriages before? Are you ashamed of it, or are you afraid she will not like it? Are you not convinced that mutah is halal?

If you think you can keep it a secret and tell her its none of her business and its between you and Allah then your wrong. Come on guys, your dealing with a relationship and your future with this person dont tell me Islamically you dont have to disclose that information but morally and ethically wheather its embarressing to you or your ashamed of it, get over it because thats in the past. If you have the nerve to be with her and she doesnt know about your past then YOU DONT DESERVE HER. You arent sure how this will affect her until you be completely honest. Since Islam insists honesty and you think you can get away of not telling her who you are inside and out, what you were in the past and what you want to be in the future than your just sad.

I wouldnt pick any guy that will not talk about his past with me. OBVIOUSLY then you shouldnt be together, she isnt the one if your not comfortable talking it out.

Would you want to know if she had previous relations, either mut'ah or not. You know you do want to know. When your committing to someone, you want to know everything. Theres a million different people out there and if that wasnt the one you know why not and what to look for in a spouse. Whats the worst it can be, they were gay at one point? Like come on.

Also, if you keep it away from each other how on earth can you trust each other? Marriage set up for failure right there. :)

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Well, i think you have to ask yourself why you dont want to tell her and what sort of a relationship you want. Do you want a relationship where you can be open about who you are (including who you were) and feel accepted for that? or one where you may have in the back of your mind 'but if she knew this, would she still want to be with me?' etc.

Secrets and lies can be very destructive things, people tend to feel like better people when they can be open and honest and feel guilty when they keep secrets and lies ad that informs your behaviour, so it depends how keeping secrets or lying affects you. Also you have to take into consideration that your partner could find out about these things youre not sure to share, how would that likely play out?

As a general rule its better to be as open and honest as possible i would say, for the sake of your own peace of mind as much as anything else. It feels good to be accepted for all you are.

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Mut'a aside, i think that if you haven't been an angel in your earlier life, you should at least allude to that fact; even if it is behind you (which insha Allah it would be), it wouldn't be fair on the woman you are going to marry if you go in acting like a saint. Because at some point if an espect of your past crops up it will probably have a bad impact on your marriage in terms of the respect she has for you, so it is better to avoid too many suprises.

I'm not saying make a list of every sin you have done, no specifics, as if Allah has concealed a sin, you don't through it back in His face by broadcasting it yourself, but just try not to make your past out to be something it isn't. If your are truely a changed person, that should shine through, and if the person can't live with that, so be it.

are you a marriage counselor? What is your credential in giving your opinion?

Would you want to know if she had previous relations, either mut'ah or not. You know you do want to know. When your committing to someone, you want to know everything. Theres a million different people out there and if that wasnt the one you know why not and what to look for in a spouse. Whats the worst it can be, they were gay at one point? Like come on.

marriage counselor?

Well, i think you have to ask yourself why you dont want to tell her and what sort of a relationship you want. Do you want a relationship where you can be open about who you are (including who you were) and feel accepted for that? or one where you may have in the back of your mind 'but if she knew this, would she still want to be with me?' etc.

Secrets and lies can be very destructive things, people tend to feel like better people when they can be open and honest and feel guilty when they keep secrets and lies ad that informs your behaviour, so it depends how keeping secrets or lying affects you. Also you have to take into consideration that your partner could find out about these things youre not sure to share, how would that likely play out?

As a general rule its better to be as open and honest as possible i would say, for the sake of your own peace of mind as much as anything else. It feels good to be accepted for all you are.

marriage counselor?

..how you feel and how you think it should be doesnt matter in islam. Go to Hawza, study for minimum 7 years and then your advice should hold weight. Dont give your personal feelings, this is a public forum so if you give a wrong advice based on how you feel, and someone follows that (remember your opinion is not based on any islamic ruling) then you will be held responsible.

A sister who has done mutah 2 times in her life before getting permanently married will have hard time getting married even if she is a pious momina. Its easy to see it from guys side that he shouldnt hide his muta's, now put a girl in those shoes and see if she will ever be able to find permenant husband, hence there is no need to mention it.

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are you a marriage counselor? What is your credential in giving your opinion?

marriage counselor?

marriage counselor?

..how you feel and how you think it should be doesnt matter in islam. Go to Hawza, study for minimum 7 years and then your advice should hold weight. Dont give your personal feelings, this is a public forum so if you give a wrong advice based on how you feel, and someone follows that (remember your opinion is not based on any islamic ruling) then you will be held responsible.

A sister who has done mutah 2 times in her life before getting permanently married will have hard time getting married even if she is a pious momina. Its easy to see it from guys side that he shouldnt hide his muta's, now put a girl in those shoes and see if she will ever be able to find permenant husband, hence there is no need to mention it.

I can see youre a person whose unable to figure out how to wipe their own backside without consulting a marja about it. Its called common sense and experience in the world. He asked for advice and people are giving adviced based on their experience. If you have experience of a hadith that says a man should never tell his future wife about his past then feel free to bring it, otherwise bring something useful that he can actually use to make a decision.

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(salam)

It depends on the information. If you have reason to believe that by saying it, it may disrupt your marriage and cause many arguements or even God Forbid divorce then you shouldn't tell. It is the duty of both of you to find out about the past of each other before marriage if you want to, but once your married its too late, its the fault of your own if you have married without asking about the past and then start asking questions.

Also its not good to be suspicious, asking questions after marriage may seem like you are suspicious of something, it leads to doubts and feelings of lack of trust.

In the end more bad than good will most likely come out if it, but in some cases more good may come out of it.

(wasalam)

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thanks for the replies, wel, just like somone further up on here had said, its a put off for women even though it is halal.

i feel it would be very hard to tell a future wife about previous relationships (mutah), im not talking about a love marrage, which im sure islam does not allow? im talking about arranged marrage, so in this case there will not be much communication with the lady till marrage.

Ideally, i'd not want her to know as it may affect the relationship, but surely, one who is a partner has a right to know about the other?? and we are not talking about sins......

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(salam)

Bro I think you should calm down...

When people give regular advice they dont have to be marriage counsellor lol

if it was a question related to fiqh then you need to bring sources but i think you are going to far

It actually is a fiqh question, unless you think that islam deals with what is kur, and how to pray etc. This needs to be implemented in our minds that islam is every aspect of our life. We do a really good job of doing the lipservice by saying yes islam is everything, yet when something comes up which conflicts our understanding then we are more then happy to give our personal feelings.

A simple litmus test, go up to a marja (actually just a reputable scholar) and simply tell them that you "feel" that a husband should tell his wife about his past, and see how they respond. We should all be thankful that Islam is complete and all rules have been given we just have to follow them, yet anything we dont like or feel awkward with, we are ready to throw in our opinions. We have created our own version of islam, Quran mentions it clearly on how we follow our own Idols (these ayats are for us, they didnt come for hindus or christians). All i mentioned here is from lectures that i hear, not how i feel not an opinon. During time of Umar caliphate, people used to come to Imam Ali (as) his good companions, and ask him to take the caliphate, but Imam Ali (as) refused them saying that you wont be able to take my justice. Pure Islam is hard to follow, hence we do a good job of keeping things we like and ignoring we dont want. If what i said is extreme, then for sure what Imam Ali (as) implemented had to be more extreme.

Know why the Imam isnt coming? because we are not ready for his justice. We want to give our suggestions.

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It actually is a fiqh question, unless you think that islam deals with what is kur, and how to pray etc. This needs to be implemented in our minds that islam is every aspect of our life. We do a really good job of doing the lipservice by saying yes islam is everything, yet when something comes up which conflicts our understanding then we are more then happy to give our personal feelings.

A simple litmus test, go up to a marja (actually just a reputable scholar) and simply tell them that you "feel" that a husband should tell his wife about his past, and see how they respond. We should all be thankful that Islam is complete and all rules have been given we just have to follow them, yet anything we dont like or feel awkward with, we are ready to throw in our opinions. We have created our own version of islam, Quran mentions it clearly on how we follow our own Idols (these ayats are for us, they didnt come for hindus or christians). All i mentioned here is from lectures that i hear, not how i feel not an opinon. During time of Umar caliphate, people used to come to Imam Ali (as) his good companions, and ask him to take the caliphate, but Imam Ali (as) refused them saying that you wont be able to take my justice. Pure Islam is hard to follow, hence we do a good job of keeping things we like and ignoring we dont want. If what i said is extreme, then for sure what Imam Ali (as) implemented had to be more extreme.

Know why the Imam isnt coming? because we are not ready for his justice. We want to give our suggestions.

(salam)

You are right

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wouldn't you want to know the truth if she did mutah with other people?

why? what she did was halal so who am i to ask her. I know the person i am and if i hear something like that, Allah forbid i might think less of her then what she deserves. Its because of my ignorance and lack of faith that causes this emotion in me. But there is nothing wrong with what she did, rather wrong in how i take it. So to avoid getting that feeling, i rather not know and give her full respect she deserves.

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marriage is about sharing, and knowing the person really well! :) so if she asks you better to be honest.. NEVER use it's none of ur bzns EVER.. If my partner says that.. I'll just think the worst of him.. better to talk :) but u know there's a time and a place for it, and after you tell her abt ANY past relations.. REASSURE her that she's ur only person at this time and compliment her :) it'll ease the shock if she wasn't expecting it :) good luck

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honesty is always best. why start a relationship and start hiding everything straight away - surely you need a stable base to keep it building, otherwise you'll always have that uneasy feeling..... its not a business relationship - this person is someone you'll spend the rest of your life with, and if she doesn't accept you for what you've done, and vice versa, then what is the point??

why? what she did was halal so who am i to ask her. I know the person i am and if i hear something like that, Allah forbid i might think less of her then what she deserves. Its because of my ignorance and lack of faith that causes this emotion in me. But there is nothing wrong with what she did, rather wrong in how i take it. So to avoid getting that feeling, i rather not know and give her full respect she deserves.

who are you? you are her husband, a person she vows to share her life with. it works both ways.

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If you think you can keep it a secret and tell her its none of her business and its between you and Allah then your wrong. Come on guys, your dealing with a relationship and your future with this person dont tell me Islamically you dont have to disclose that information but morally and ethically wheather its embarressing to you or your ashamed of it, get over it because thats in the past. If you have the nerve to be with her and she doesnt know about your past then YOU DONT DESERVE HER. You arent sure how this will affect her until you be completely honest. Since Islam insists honesty and you think you can get away of not telling her who you are inside and out, what you were in the past and what you want to be in the future than your just sad.

I wouldnt pick any guy that will not talk about his past with me. OBVIOUSLY then you shouldnt be together, she isnt the one if your not comfortable talking it out.

Would you want to know if she had previous relations, either mut'ah or not. You know you do want to know. When your committing to someone, you want to know everything. Theres a million different people out there and if that wasnt the one you know why not and what to look for in a spouse. Whats the worst it can be, they were gay at one point? Like come on.

Also, if you keep it away from each other how on earth can you trust each other? Marriage set up for failure right there. :)

What he/she doesn't know won't hurt them. Like I previously said, it's up to the individual to ask their questions beforehand as when they're married it will be pointless to start bringing up their history. I actually heard this in a lecture which was regarding marriage. If that person seems like the right person to you, why bring up their past. Unless that past directly affects your future with him/her i.e them having gone prison etc then there's no reason to overcomplicate things. How is the marriage set to failure if they're chosen to be commited?

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What he/she doesn't know won't hurt them. Like I previously said, it's up to the individual to ask their questions beforehand as when they're married it will be pointless to start bringing up their history. I actually heard this in a lecture which was regarding marriage. If that person seems like the right person to you, why bring up their past. Unless that past directly affects your future with him/her i.e them having gone prison etc then there's no reason to overcomplicate things. How is the marriage set to failure if they're chosen to be commited?

exactly what i have been saying. lol seems like we both heard the same lecture.

marriage is about sharing, and knowing the person really well! :) so if she asks you better to be honest.. NEVER use it's none of ur bzns EVER.. If my partner says that.. I'll just think the worst of him.. better to talk :) but u know there's a time and a place for it, and after you tell her abt ANY past relations.. REASSURE her that she's ur only person at this time and compliment her :) it'll ease the shock if she wasn't expecting it :) good luck

stop watching tv shows/movies. At the end of the day, marriage is a contract that ends when a person dies. You go in your own graves. That contract puts certain responsibilities on you that one has to fulfill. No matter how much you love your husband, if at the end when he is burning up in hell you will not even look at him at that time rather reminding him to have done better. There is your love, only materialistic that dies in this world.

Edited by Awaiting_for_the12th

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exactly what i have been saying. lol seems like we both heard the same lecture.

So lets have a look at what value youve added after your little speech:

You once saw a lecture where someone said theres no need to talk about the past to your current partner.

Sweeping aside the immense vagueness and apparent absurdity of that statement and who this mystery lecturer was and what Quran and ahadith he/she put forth to support this statement, i will ask this:

Are you going to produce sahih hadith or Quran quotes that say that

A-it is wajib or recommended to never discuss any previous sexual experience with your current partner

Or

B- it is wajib or recommended to always tell your partner of any previous sexual experience

?

Because if not, everything you said before that is just taking up valuable white space helping the OP in no way what so ever and this issue is up for discussion and speculation for people who might actually want to help him with half a brain.

Edited by ~Ruqaya's Amal~

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So lets have a look at what value youve added after your little speech:

You once saw a lecture where someone said theres no need to talk about the past to your current partner.

Sweeping aside the immense vagueness and apparent absurdity of that statement and who this mystery lecturer was and what Quran and ahadith he/she put forth to support this statement, i will ask this:

Are you going to produce sahih hadith or Quran quotes that say that

A-it is wajib or recommended to never discuss any previous sexual experience with your current partner

Or

B- it is wajib or recommended to always tell your partner of any previous sexual experience

?

Because if not, everything you said before that is just taking up valuable white space helping the OP in no way what so ever and this issue is up for discussion and speculation for people who might actually want to help him with half a brain.

nope you are right, i got no proofs on me. Continue with your suggestions. To shia-gangsta, be careful where you get information from.

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(salam)

Very good question .. I wonder about that as well as a single man with a track record which am not proud of ..

I think honesty and open communication is great, then again there r 2 points 2 consider:

1. Allah tells us in the glorious Quran that we should not ask questions if they will cause trouble (I broke this law consciously like a million times .. Allah forgive us all)

2. Read in a hadeeth by an imam (sorry don't remember which one) who said that when a person including our future wife ask us about past marriage .. We should respond by saying something like: " I don't want to get into my x's private life"

Then keep in mind that probably any woman listening to me gossip about my ex will surely think that i can do the same with her one day .. Loss of trust = pointless relationship ..

I think the key words here are respect, dignity, forgiveness, overlooking

., and Sayidna Aly said a person who can't keep a secret can't be a believer .. Allah forgive me if I remember this Hadith wrongly ..

wAllahu Aalam

(salam)

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exactly what i have been saying. lol seems like we both heard the same lecture.

stop watching tv shows/movies. At the end of the day, marriage is a contract that ends when a person dies. You go in your own graves. That contract puts certain responsibilities on you that one has to fulfill. No matter how much you love your husband, if at the end when he is burning up in hell you will not even look at him at that time rather reminding him to have done better. There is your love, only materialistic that dies in this world.

u r strange.. and depressing.. u should stop being so up in ur own mind and open ur eyes to the happy part of life where there's love and peace.. u just sound so miserable.. and u don't even make sense.... and why would I choose a person that is so bad that would burn in hell.. GOSH some ppl need to cheer up and stop thinking they know it all.. EH

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thanks for the replies, wel, just like somone further up on here had said, its a put off for women even though it is halal.

i feel it would be very hard to tell a future wife about previous relationships (mutah), im not talking about a love marrage, which im sure islam does not allow? im talking about arranged marrage, so in this case there will not be much communication with the lady till marrage.

Ideally, i'd not want her to know as it may affect the relationship, but surely, one who is a partner has a right to know about the other?? and we are not talking about sins......

Regardless sins or no sins, if you want to call her a "partner" respect her to the extent you tell her who you are, what you've done and so forth. If you think its going to affect your relationship, there's a red flag right there. WOW!

u r strange.. and depressing.. u should stop being so up in ur own mind and open ur eyes to the happy part of life where there's love and peace.. u just sound so miserable.. and u don't even make sense.... and why would I choose a person that is so bad that would burn in hell.. GOSH some ppl need to cheer up and stop thinking they know it all.. EH

Sorry got to give it to AWAITING. Valid point.

You just dont want to face it and think of it later.

What he/she doesn't know won't hurt them. Like I previously said, it's up to the individual to ask their questions beforehand as when they're married it will be pointless to start bringing up their history. I actually heard this in a lecture which was regarding marriage. If that person seems like the right person to you, why bring up their past. Unless that past directly affects your future with him/her i.e them having gone prison etc then there's no reason to overcomplicate things. How is the marriage set to failure if they're chosen to be commited?

By all means they can be committed, but if he has doubts in his mind about how she might react to his past... he didn't respect her to tell her what shes getting into.

As a commitment- you should take it upon yourself as wajib to tell them everything. Again, you're afraid of her reaction but you also need to let her know who you are today and where you stand. There may be light into it too.

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hi

guys, id like to know, if i as to marry, would i need to tell the wife to be about my previous relationships, ie mutah relations i may have had previsouly? or is this somthing i dont have to disclose and can keep a secret e ven if she ever asked me about it?

thank you

Shia G

(bismillah)

(salam)

There is absolutely no need to tell her or anybody else about your past life. For God's Sake, you are not going through any virginity test. tell her what is the point, if she insists. If she wants to marry you, she has to accept you as you are. A momin brother/sister is not supposed to pry in the private lives of other momins/mominats.

Ali

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Salam

Its just a simple thing man.

if u will hide ur past from ur wife she is gonna do the same with you.

Do the same thing which u expect from her.

whatever u will do is going to come back to you only - life circles man

That's true for sure .. My bro-in-law is a role model for me in this .. When he first met my sister years ago she was going to start telling him her stories and he immediately stopped her and said : "I don't want to know" subhan Allah i was never that strong and disciplined in this regard yet ..

Point is that a home and marriage relationship needs to be peaceful without bad feelings. Also the shaytan (awuthu biLah) has less opportunities to whisper evil and blow the imagination out if proportion. Also mentioning people of the past kind of spiritually brings them around .. It gives them importance they perhaps don't deserve and they become ironically part of the new relationship. Another factor to worry about. Also surely any person won't be happy listening to these things .. And make it feel like it us happening now .. When it isn't .. It's a thing of the past .. And usually feels like a dream retrospectively .. So unless this person is associated with you & partner, maybe it's not worth mentioning details .. For the sake of peace n harmony in Allah.

This is my opinion, please don't take my opinions seriously .. Especially what regards this issue .. Because I acted quite the opposite in the past. May Allah grant us all the greatest partner in relation to Allah and His victory.

(salam)

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hi

guys, id like to know, if i as to marry, would i need to tell the wife to be about my previous relationships, ie mutah relations i may have had previsouly? or is this somthing i dont have to disclose and can keep a secret e ven if she ever asked me about it?

thank you

Shia G

If you have sinned in the past, there's no need to share it with anyone. If you still follow those same principles as you did previously, then maybe you can share those. This way you can still reap the same fruit.

As for mutah questions, you can avoid specifics; just tell her your main outlook on the issue. This should be enough. Spin it to work in your favor; tell her if I had met you earlier, I probably wouldn't have any need meeting other women, because I presume you would mean it, if in fact you are considering her as your new wife. Work your charm, but don't go too Disney on her!

Edited by gogiison2

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Guest Hussein

There is one crucial aspect missing from this debate which is the risk of STDs, a culture of openness about previous relationships should be encouraged to limit the spread of STDs. If you are not open about your past relationships, you risk killing her after having consummated the marriage if she assumes you are a virgin. HPV is an extremely common infection which can cause cervical cancer in women, it can't be diagnosed in men so the woman will have to be tested after having consummated the marriage to enable treatment if it is spread. If she assumes you are a virgin and does not get a smear test and the cancer spreads, it would be fatal. Imagine killing your wife because you were too cowardly to tell her the truth. Would be a nightmare. 

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1 hour ago, Guest Hussein said:

There is one crucial aspect missing from this debate which is the risk of STDs, a culture of openness about previous relationships should be encouraged to limit the spread of STDs

Bismillah,

salam alykum wrwb...

Like many aspects looked at when looking to get married health is also vital. alhamdulillah you also mentioned the culture of openness in regards to previous relations as something to be encouraged. & initially the weight of the opening was inclined on 'male having to disclose' until it was balanced that the view/attitude changes when a lady were to reveal certain... about them.

Coming from the point of view that looks or is looking to get married Insha'Allah, things like HIV/AIDS were a problem but not anymore. You don't know why or how they got there. What if she is all what you think you are looking for yet she's barren or gets to be wheelchair bound will the view/feelings change because of your previous impression of her? 

We are sick people with various sicknesses & of all sicknesses the one of the heart is.......

Inasmuch as it is wrong to vicariously atone. Listen, a sister who knew no one else except her husband and got an STI through him shouldn't blame him? When things don't turn out the way expected then the blame is on us! 

Okay, such matters should be left to Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to fulfill His(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) Master(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) plan. It is like 'the moment', you enter the moment, you become the moment, you are the moment. Don't worry about previous moments which were not yours. Trust that Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) never gives you boots too big too feel. When they are yours they'll fit.

On the initial question of telling a dear lady about my past, I would rather have Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) tell her, it would be by Him(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) we'll fuse only when she relies on Him(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

He(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is sufficient witness.

ws

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On 9/4/2011 at 8:28 PM, Shia-gangsta said:

hi

guys, id like to know, if I as to marry, would I need to tell the wife to be about my previous relationships, ie mutah relations I may have had previsouly? or is this somthing I don’t have to disclose and can keep a secret e ven if she ever asked me about it?

thank you

Shia G

You may need to tell her but in a diplomatic way 

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