Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Sign in to follow this  
heba1010

Co Wife Question

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

As Salaam Alaikum to all that read this post. I 'm the first wife and my husband has choses a co wife. I m having some problems with this. He has not married her yet, but they are spending the night together in a hotel alone. This is very hurtful to me because I ask him to wait until they are married before I have to start to share our time. Keep in mind I only found out about her a week ago by drving by a hotel and seen his car their. I was so hurt I havent been able to eat or sleep since this took place. some one plese help me understand. she has been spending time with my husband on some level since May 2011 and i just found out about her 8/23/11. in the above way. I dont think im being vauled and since Ive only been in the deen 3 years i have no clue if this is right please help someone with Quran or sunah referances to give be help

As Salaam Alaikum to all that read this post. I 'm the first wife and my husband has choses a co wife. I m having some problems with this. He has not married her yet, but they are spending the night together in a hotel alone. This is very hurtful to me because I ask him to wait until they are married before I have to start to share our time. Keep in mind I only found out about her a week ago by drving by a hotel and seen his car their. I was so hurt I havent been able to eat or sleep since this took place. some one plese help me understand. she has been spending time with my husband on some level since May 2011 and i just found out about her 8/23/11. in the above way. I dont think im being vauled and since Ive only been in the deen 3 years i have no clue if this is right please help someone with Quran or sunah referances to give be help

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You should talk to him about it more sis, not us... He should be more open with you about it... It's normal if he wants to take another wife as long as he'll keep taking care of you the way he's supposed to, and in the way that makes you happy as if nothing had changed, you should always be getting attention from him... If it goes too far and he gets worse and worse just cut it short and ask for a divorce...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

if they are not permenently or temperary marriage, then he is committing adultery which has the punishment of stoning to death.

Thank you for your insight

You should talk to him about it more sis, not us... He should be more open with you about it... It's normal if he wants to take another wife as long as he'll keep taking care of you the way he's supposed to, and in the way that makes you happy as if nothing had changed, you should always be getting attention from him... If it goes too far and he gets worse and worse just cut it short and ask for a divorce...

I understand I guess my feeling are so raw that I dont want to say the wrong thing and make matter worst. I am not upsent about him taking a co wife its how I found out and if the act of ZIna has accured . that bring harm to our union and makes it hard for this to work as is should

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

if they are not permenently or temperary marriage, then he is committing adultery which has the punishment of stoning to death.

That is the best thing you have said on here ever.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If he is committing adultery, then it is a grave sin, which if proven would be punishable by stoning as stated above. However, are you sure he hasn't performed a temporary marriage?

It's understandable that you are upset by all this, as you haven't been raised to believe that such behaviour is acceptable (and modern culture, Muslim or otherwise, definitely doesn't condone it), but provided your husband has some kind of marriage contract with the other woman (permanent or temporary), you have to understand that he isn't doing anything wrong. I would advise reading up on the lives of the Prophet (pbuh) and the Imams (as) to understand that polygamy is workable, and to pray to Allah (swt) for guidance. I would certainly not recommend divorcing someone over this (again, provided it's not adultery), although you should at all times insist on you Islamic rights as a wife. If these aren't been given to you, then divorce is a serious option.

As for the proof about whether such behaviour is acceptable, I would point out that the Prophet (pbuh) had a temporary marriage in secret from his other wives. One of them eventually found out and told another wife as well, causing big problems, but it shows that there is nothing inherently wrong with doing this, as difficult as it might be to accept for women living in the 21st century (or even back then in some cases).

22 – And he said: And al-Fadl ash-Shaybani narrated by his isnad to al-Baqir عليه السلام that `Abdullah b. `Ata al-Makki asked him about the saying of Allah تعالى “And when the Prophet disclosed” (to the end of) the verse (66:3). So he said: Verily the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وآله married a freewoman in mut`a, and one of his wives found out about it and accused him of lewdness. So he said: It is allowed for me, it is a marriage with a term so keep it secret. So she informed one of his wives about it.

http://www.*******.org/hadiths/marriage/muta/lawfulness-of-muta

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I will probably get flamed by a million pro polygamy men on here for telling you this....BUT RUN SISTER, and run fast. It will become an addiction of his and he probably won't stop at her by the way he is already behaving.

Thanks like I said before its not abou the co-wife I have the issuse it the conduct and the matter in which he is conducting himself around her. And he has not married her I did find that much out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If he is staying with her with out any kind of nikah (temp or perm), he is doing a grave sin. The punishment for those who di zina and are married is even tougher than those who are unmarried and do zina, which is already pretty tough.

If he has done nikah, and you had allowed him to do so, and then he did it before the time you both had agreed, then he is not doing anything wrong from sharia point of view. But still you should have trust issues and should talk to him as to why he did not go by his promise or the agreement you both had.

Lastly, please do not listen to the feminist sisters on this forum. This is a matter of a family, and if he is so far a good husband who loves you and takes care of you and kids and his duties, do not rush for divorce.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Agree with sister imAli on the 2nd part that your husband should chose someone as good as you are or someone better in eiman than you.This matches a ruling of our scholars who wouldn't alow even muta with ahlulkitab if your nikah spouse is already a muslima.

Now I won't know under what circumstances she was meeting your husband in a hotel. You will need to find out for yourself. It coild be something smaller thsn what you could be suspecting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

you only know my opinion on certain issues we disagree on, so dont say something which you dont know of. I might have said something useful, that could have saved a life which is 100 times better then any marriage thread you start every other day.

And we disagree on just about everything and I doubt you have saved a life by using a forum.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think it falls within the crime of adultery, unless the other woman is in fact married to someone else. Otherwise it is just fornication. Since it is so easy to enter into a temporary contract, I wonder why they did not do so. Sounds very sleazy.

Most unfortunately, dear sister, I do not find your husband's ways very good. You are inclined to keep silence rather than saying anything that would make things worse, that is understandable.

Maybe just leave him to work out this strange behaviour. But be aware of your rights and insist upon them. Look at your situation in marriage without sentimentality. It is a question of rights. He has the right to take another wife, but you have the right to be maintained in a genuine marriage. As soon as your rights are not met, ask for a divorce.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

sister, dont take anyones opinion here. This is a serious matter. Read a lot on the rules of marriage, speak to your husband, and definitely talk to a sheikh regarding your options in case if it is adultery. Dont take wrong advice here, brothers will talk from the fiqh angle on how its allowed for a guy to have more then one wife, sisters (as you probably have seen) will tell you to leave the guy. If you have children then definitely the first aim should be to save the marriage. I am sorry to hear it and its a hard time for you no doubt.

I don't think it falls within the crime of adultery, unless the other woman is in fact married to someone else. Otherwise it is just fornication. Since it is so easy to enter into a temporary contract, I wonder why they did not do so. Sounds very sleazy.

husband is married

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For all the pro mut3a and pro multiple marriages, im asking you ALL for permission to do mut3a with your sisters, and take them as MY 2nd or 3rd or 4th wife !!! then after i have them, i will take the rest for mut3a purposes !

Lets see how you all like that ? not barking so confidently now are we ?

You have permission to seek to do muta with whoever you want. Whether they would want to do it with you is another matter. People seem to be forgetting that 'pro-muta and pro-polygamy' people are not pro-forced marriages. Nobody is forced to do muta or to become a second wife, so I really don't see what all the fuss is about.

gee no wonder why SUnnis are laughing at us, something that Allah Blessed us with, so we can cope in certain circumstances has been BLOWN out of proportion to fulfill mans sexual desires !

Certain circumstances? And what do you imagine those to be? No doubt some nonsense involving long-distance travel or war.

3 – And by his isnad from Salih b. `Uqba from his father from Abu Ja`far عليه السلام. He said: I said: Is there reward for the one who does mut`a? He said: If he had intended by that the countenance of Allah تعالى and opposition against the one who denied it, he does not speak a word but that Allah has written ten good deeds for him by it, and he does not extend his hand to it but that Allah has written ten good deeds for him. So when he has approached it, Allah has forgiven him a sin by that, and when he has done ghusl, Allah has forgiven him by the measure of what has passed of water upon his hair. I said: By the number of hairs? He said: By the number of hairs.

4 – And Abu Ja`far عليه السلام said: Verily when the Prophet صلى الله عليه وآله did the night journey to Heaven, he said: Jibra’il عليه السلام reached me and said: O Muhammad صلى الله عليه وآله, verily Allah تبارك وتعالى says: Verily I have forgiven the doers of mut`a of the women from your Umma.

5 – He said: And it is narrated that the believer is not perfected (or, completed) until he does mut`a.

6 – And in al-Khisal from his father from Sa`d from Hammad b. Ya`la b. Hammad from his father from Hammad b. `Isa from Hariz b. `Abdillah from Zurara b. A`yan from Abu Ja`far عليه السلام. He said: The amusement (lahw) of the believer is in three things: Mut`a with women and joking with brethren and salat at night.

7 – Muhammad b. al-Hasan in al-Misbah from Ibn Abi `Umayr from Hisham from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام. He said: Verily I love that the man should not leave the world until he does mut`a even if once, and that he prays the jum`a in jama`a.

8 – And there has preceded in (the book of) hajj the hadith of Zurara from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام (wherein) he said: Mut`a, by Allah, is the best, and the Book was sent down with it and the Sunna brought it about.

10 – Muhammad b. Muhammad b. an-Nu`man in Risalat al-Mut`a from Ja`far b. Muhammad b. Qulawayh from Sa`d b. `Abdullah from Ahmad b. Muhammad b. `Isa from Hisham b. Salim from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام. He said: It is recommended for the man to marry in mut`a, and I do not love that the man from you should leave the world until he marries in mut`a even once.

11 – And by the isnad from Ibn `Isa from Ibn al-Hajjaj from al-`Ala from Muhammad b. Muslim from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام. He said: He said to me: Have you done mut`a? I said: No. He said: Do not leave the world until you have revived the Sunna.

12 – And by the isnad from Ahmad b. Muhammad b. Khalid from Sa`d b. Sa`d from Isma`il al-Ju`fi. He said: Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام said: O Isma`l, have you done mut`a this year? I said: Yes. He said: I do not mean the mut`a of hajj. I said: So what then? He said: The mut`a of women. I said: With a Berber slave girl. He said: It had been said, O Isma`il, do mut`a with what you find, even a Sindhi woman.

13 – And by the isnad from Ahmad b. Muhammad from Ibn Ashyam from Marwan b. Muslim from Isma`il b. al-Fadl al-Hashimi. He said: Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام said to me: Have you done mut`a since you have gone out from your family? I said: Due to the abundance of what is with me of wives, Allah has made me needless of it. He said: And even if you are needless, for verily I love that you should revive the Sunna of the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وآله.

14 – And by the isnad from Ahmad b. Muhammad b. `Isa from `Ali b. Abi Hamza al-Bata’ini from Abu Basir. He said: I entered in upon Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام, and he said to me: O Abu Muhammad, have you done mut`a since you have gone out from your family? I said: No. He said: And why? I said: What is with me of expenditure is short of that. He said: So he commanded me (to be given) a dinar. He said: I adjure you if you end up in your house until you do it.

15 – And from Ibn `Isa from Muhammad b. `Ali al-Hamdani from a man whom he named from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام. He said: There is not a man who does mut`a then does ghusl but that Allah creates for every drop (of water) that drops from him seventy angels seeking forgiveness for him until the day of the resurrection and cursing the avoider of it (i.e. of mut`a) until the Hour rises.

http://www.*******.org/hadiths/marriage/muta/desirability-of-muta

If people one this site are said to be 'pro-muta' based on some pretty mild comments, I can only imagine what you think of the words of the Imams (as).

As for what the Sunnis think, who cares? They have basically had to reinvent an inferior version of muta in the form of misyar marriage in order to make up for having done away with it. If they want to laugh at the religion of the Prophet (pbuh), then that is their problem.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Can a married wife engange in muta if she is not satisfied?

I have heard that its possible., its only haram to marry marry a second man while she is stil with first husband.

Edited by Elvis_King

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Can a married wife engange in muta if she is not satisfied?

I have heard that its possible., its only haram to marry marry a second man while she is stil with first husband.

A married woman cannot marry another man, whether permanently or temporarily. If she is not satisfied with her first husband, then she should ask for a divorce and then marry someone else.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Can a married wife engange in muta if she is not satisfied?

I have heard that its possible., its only haram to marry marry a second man while she is stil with first husband.

Are you serious. Muta is just like nikah except that nikah is for unlimited duration, muta is for a specific time.

You seem either confused, ignorant, or are here to make a fool out of yourself thinking you can redicule an islamic ruling with your silly comments. Please research more on the topic if you are sincere on www.al-islam.org under marriage section.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ask Allah (SWT) why he didn't allow it.

LOL

It have to be some logical reasons, thats what Im asking.

I know its not allowed. but why?

Are you serious. Muta is just like nikah except that nikah is for unlimited duration, muta is for a specific time.

You seem either confused, ignorant, or are here to make a fool out of yourself thinking you can redicule an islamic ruling with your silly comments. Please research more on the topic if you are sincere on www.al-islam.org under marriage section.

Dont be rude man & calm down, I have heard it ,

why would I play arround?

Please research more on the topic if you are sincere on www.al-islam.org under marriage section

Will do!

Edited by Elvis_King

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why isnt a women allowed to marry moore than 1?

any reason?

Many reasons no doubt, but one of them is that it would have made paternity impossible to establish before the advent of the DNA test. Also, the only real duty a wife has in Islam is to make herself available to her husband at all times. This wouldn't be possible if she had several husbands.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Many reasons no doubt, but one of them is that it would have made paternity impossible to establish before the advent of the DNA test. Also, the only real duty a wife has in Islam is to make herself available to her husband at all times. This wouldn't be possible if she had several husbands.

Thank you very much!

For some people it isnt that easy to answer, instead they get aggressive and rude.

Mebers here should calm down, I see to much rude comments here on SC.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Of course everyone failed to realize the meaning and nature of the post of DeeeeBo. I think DeeeeeBo was trying to make the point that all women should be valued as much as you value your sisters and mother. Most of you expect everyone to hold your wife, daughter, or sister in such a high regard and respect her but you don't do the same for other women. You all seem to need only a book or hadiths to dictate your lives and don't take into consideration the circumstances and future consequences of each unique situation. Deep down most of you know that although muta and polygamy is halal many things need to be taken into account. Unfortunately the only thing usually taken into account is that it is halal and the prophet or imams did it (forgetting to realize that these people had a wisdom and kindness that you will never possess). That is inconsiderate, destructive, and selfish thinking usually controlled by animal urges and over active hormones and if that is all that was needed to make such a huge decision that will affect so many people there wouldn't be any such thing as religious courts, scholars, sheiks, and ayatollas.

Edited by ImAli

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Of course everyone failed to realize the meaning and nature of the post of DeeeeBo. I think DeeeeeBo was trying to make the point that all women should be valued as much as you value your sisters and mother. Most of you expect everyone to hold your wife, daughter, or sister in such a high regard and respect her but you don't do the same for other women.

This is a popular assumption, but I don't see much evidence for it. It's rather insulting for you to assume people advocating muta or polygamy don't even bother to make the simple mental exercise of imagining what they would think if their mother, sister, or daughter was in that situation. It's also interesting that you equate advocating the legality of muta and polygamy with lacking in respect for women.

Unfortunately the only thing usually taken into account is that it is halal and the prophet or imams did it (forgetting to realize that these people had a wisdom and kindness that you will never possess).

Can we just put this non-argument to bed? The Prophet and the Imams didn't just do this for themselves, they allowed, and/or advised, their followers to do it. You also don't seem to understand that one of the main functions of the Prophet and the Imams was to give us an example to follow. If what you were saying about their status meaning they could do these things but not everyone else, I'm sure they would have said that somewhere, but they didn't.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There are 2 issues, neither of which do him any favours. Either he is commiting adultery, or he has been lying and manipulative and put your relationship under grave danger. This is betrayal and extremely selfish, an honourable man would discuss things with you openly before taking any sort of action, even if he didnt care for you, he would still have that courtesy as you are sharing a home and life. Trust is extremely important in order for a relationship to be secure and stable. If trust is to be restored he will have to admit to his betrayal and be repentant, if he isnt prepared to mend it then this is what you will have for the rest of your life unless you take control and get yourself something better. I feel for you and i hope you can find a loving relationship.

but provided your husband has some kind of marriage contract with the other woman (permanent or temporary), you have to understand that he isn't doing anything wrong.

No, it means he isnt commiting adultery, it doesnt mean he isnt doing anything wrong.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a popular assumption, but I don't see much evidence for it. It's rather insulting for you to assume people advocating muta or polygamy don't even bother to make the simple mental exercise of imagining what they would think if their mother, sister, or daughter was in that situation. It's also interesting that you equate advocating the legality of muta and polygamy with lacking in respect for women.

<p> </p>

<p> </p>

Can we just put this non-argument to bed? The Prophet and the Imams didn't just do this for themselves, they allowed, and/or advised, their followers to do it. You also don't seem to understand that one of the main functions of the Prophet and the Imams was to give us an example to follow. If what you were saying about their status meaning they could do these things but not everyone else, I'm sure they would have said that somewhere, but they didn't.

I very seriously doubt the Prophet and Imams meant for it to be abused the way it is today....in some parts it has turned into nothing less than legalized prostitution and it is disgusting. They meant for it to be done with care and unfortunately it usually isn't done with care....but instead it is done in a selfish and thoughtless manner.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I very seriously doubt the Prophet and Imams meant for it to be abused the way it is today....in some parts it has turned into nothing less than legalized prostitution and it is disgusting. They meant for it to be done with care and unfortunately it usually isn't done with care....but instead it is done in a selfish and thoughtless manner.

Everyone says it is abused, but they never say how exactly. Reading the hadiths of the Imams (as) on the subject, it seems to me that it would be pretty hard to 'abuse' muta.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salaam

Op

It's very strange how so many people here are telling you that the real problem is him not informing u!!! If he has married that girl in secret then he is not committing haraam but it's not the best option as Islam generally encourages the announcement of marriage but it's not compulsory on him to announce. In special case where second marriage is needed in the society to combat it's disablement under nahi an almunkar then he must announce otherwise he defeats his inteded purpose. However if he wants the marriage just for his own benefit then he is allowed to refrain from announcing it to protect hiself from the harm that others inflict on him but with this option he is not allowed to lie or to destroy the reputation of the secret wife or be injust to his permanent secret wife due to the secrecy.

Haidar Hussain

Brother the story of the honey conspiracy conflicts with the story of the secret muta of the prophet because they are both attributed to the same event. I have doubts that the prophet keeps secret when in Islam it's mustahab to announce the marriage and as we know the prophets do the mustahab. There might have been special circumstance that might have justified secrecy but in normal circumstances the prophet alway does the optimum mustahab option.

Edited by alimohamad40

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Haidar Hussain

Brother the story of the honey conspiracy conflicts with the story of the secret muta of the prophet because they are both attributed to the same event. I have doubts that the prophet keeps secret when in Islam it's mustahab to announce the marriage and as we know the prophets do the mustahab. There might have been special circumstance that might have justified secrecy but in normal circumstances the prophet alway does the optimum mustahab option.

Yeah, I was actually wondering about that. So do you consider the honey story to be the more likely? Because I would be leaning more towards the muta. Firstly because we know the muta was part of the Sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh), but as far as I know we don't have any other reports of him doing it. Secondly, because it probably makes more sense that the Qur'an is speaking about the Prophet (pbuh) is refraining from doing muta, which we know is highly mustahab, to please his wives rather than just drinking some honey. As for the secrecy, is it really that important to announce mutas as opposed to permanent marriage?

Plus, we have the following hadith:

[ 26389 ] 2 ـ قال الصدوق : وقال الصادق ( عليه السلام ) : اني لاكره للرجل أن يموت وقد بقيت عليه خلة من خلال رسول الله ( صلى الله عليه وآله ) لم يأتها ، فقلت : فهل تمتع رسول الله ( صلى الله عليه وآله ) ؟ قال : نعم وقرأ هذه الآية : ( وإذ أسر النبي إلى بعض أزواجه حديثا ـ إلى قوله : ـ ثيبات وأبكارا ) .

2 – As-Saduq said: As-Sadiq عليه السلام said: Verily I dislike that the man should die and there remain upon him a habit from the habits of the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وآله which he has not carried out. So I said: So did the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وآله do mut`a? He said: Yes, and he recited this verse “And when the Prophet disclosed a matter to one of his wives” – until His saying – “previously married and virgins.” (66:3-5)

Yeah, I was actually wondering about that. So do you consider the honey story to be the more likely? Because I would be leaning more towards the muta. Firstly because we know the muta was part of the Sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh), but as far as I know we don't have any other reports of him doing it. Secondly, because it probably makes more sense that the Qur'an is speaking about the Prophet (pbuh) is refraining from doing muta, which we know is highly mustahab, to please his wives rather than just drinking some honey. As for the secrecy, is it really that important to announce mutas as opposed to permanent marriage?

Plus, we have the following hadith:

[ 26389 ] 2 ـ قال الصدوق : وقال الصادق ( عليه السلام ) : اني لاكره للرجل أن يموت وقد بقيت عليه خلة من خلال رسول الله ( صلى الله عليه وآله ) لم يأتها ، فقلت : فهل تمتع رسول الله ( صلى الله عليه وآله ) ؟ قال : نعم وقرأ هذه الآية : ( وإذ أسر النبي إلى بعض أزواجه حديثا ـ إلى قوله : ـ ثيبات وأبكارا ) .

2 – As-Saduq said: As-Sadiq عليه السلام said: Verily I dislike that the man should die and there remain upon him a habit from the habits of the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وآله which he has not carried out. So I said: So did the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وآله do mut`a? He said: Yes, and he recited this verse “And when the Prophet disclosed a matter to one of his wives” – until His saying – “previously married and virgins.” (66:3-5)

Are there any in Shia books about the honey story?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...