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heba1010

Co Wife Question

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As Salaam Alaikum to all that read this post. I 'm the first wife and my husband has choses a co wife. I m having some problems with this. He has not married her yet, but they are spending the night together in a hotel alone. This is very hurtful to me because I ask him to wait until they are married before I have to start to share our time. Keep in mind I only found out about her a week ago by drving by a hotel and seen his car their. I was so hurt I havent been able to eat or sleep since this took place. some one plese help me understand. she has been spending time with my husband on some level since May 2011 and i just found out about her 8/23/11. in the above way. I dont think im being vauled and since Ive only been in the deen 3 years i have no clue if this is right please help someone with Quran or sunah referances to give be help

As Salaam Alaikum to all that read this post. I 'm the first wife and my husband has choses a co wife. I m having some problems with this. He has not married her yet, but they are spending the night together in a hotel alone. This is very hurtful to me because I ask him to wait until they are married before I have to start to share our time. Keep in mind I only found out about her a week ago by drving by a hotel and seen his car their. I was so hurt I havent been able to eat or sleep since this took place. some one plese help me understand. she has been spending time with my husband on some level since May 2011 and i just found out about her 8/23/11. in the above way. I dont think im being vauled and since Ive only been in the deen 3 years i have no clue if this is right please help someone with Quran or sunah referances to give be help

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You should talk to him about it more sis, not us... He should be more open with you about it... It's normal if he wants to take another wife as long as he'll keep taking care of you the way he's supposed to, and in the way that makes you happy as if nothing had changed, you should always be getting attention from him... If it goes too far and he gets worse and worse just cut it short and ask for a divorce...

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if they are not permenently or temperary marriage, then he is committing adultery which has the punishment of stoning to death.

Thank you for your insight

You should talk to him about it more sis, not us... He should be more open with you about it... It's normal if he wants to take another wife as long as he'll keep taking care of you the way he's supposed to, and in the way that makes you happy as if nothing had changed, you should always be getting attention from him... If it goes too far and he gets worse and worse just cut it short and ask for a divorce...

I understand I guess my feeling are so raw that I dont want to say the wrong thing and make matter worst. I am not upsent about him taking a co wife its how I found out and if the act of ZIna has accured . that bring harm to our union and makes it hard for this to work as is should

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if they are not permenently or temperary marriage, then he is committing adultery which has the punishment of stoning to death.

That is the best thing you have said on here ever.

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If he is committing adultery, then it is a grave sin, which if proven would be punishable by stoning as stated above. However, are you sure he hasn't performed a temporary marriage?

It's understandable that you are upset by all this, as you haven't been raised to believe that such behaviour is acceptable (and modern culture, Muslim or otherwise, definitely doesn't condone it), but provided your husband has some kind of marriage contract with the other woman (permanent or temporary), you have to understand that he isn't doing anything wrong. I would advise reading up on the lives of the Prophet (pbuh) and the Imams (as) to understand that polygamy is workable, and to pray to Allah (swt) for guidance. I would certainly not recommend divorcing someone over this (again, provided it's not adultery), although you should at all times insist on you Islamic rights as a wife. If these aren't been given to you, then divorce is a serious option.

As for the proof about whether such behaviour is acceptable, I would point out that the Prophet (pbuh) had a temporary marriage in secret from his other wives. One of them eventually found out and told another wife as well, causing big problems, but it shows that there is nothing inherently wrong with doing this, as difficult as it might be to accept for women living in the 21st century (or even back then in some cases).

22 – And he said: And al-Fadl ash-Shaybani narrated by his isnad to al-Baqir عليه السلام that `Abdullah b. `Ata al-Makki asked him about the saying of Allah تعالى “And when the Prophet disclosed” (to the end of) the verse (66:3). So he said: Verily the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وآله married a freewoman in mut`a, and one of his wives found out about it and accused him of lewdness. So he said: It is allowed for me, it is a marriage with a term so keep it secret. So she informed one of his wives about it.

http://www.*******.org/hadiths/marriage/muta/lawfulness-of-muta

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I will probably get flamed by a million pro polygamy men on here for telling you this....BUT RUN SISTER, and run fast. It will become an addiction of his and he probably won't stop at her by the way he is already behaving.

Thanks like I said before its not abou the co-wife I have the issuse it the conduct and the matter in which he is conducting himself around her. And he has not married her I did find that much out.

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If he is staying with her with out any kind of nikah (temp or perm), he is doing a grave sin. The punishment for those who di zina and are married is even tougher than those who are unmarried and do zina, which is already pretty tough.

If he has done nikah, and you had allowed him to do so, and then he did it before the time you both had agreed, then he is not doing anything wrong from sharia point of view. But still you should have trust issues and should talk to him as to why he did not go by his promise or the agreement you both had.

Lastly, please do not listen to the feminist sisters on this forum. This is a matter of a family, and if he is so far a good husband who loves you and takes care of you and kids and his duties, do not rush for divorce.

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LOL by feminist sisters Waiting for HIM means ImAli, BabyBeaversKit, and OneNoteSong hahahaha. Listen it is not about feminism or anything like that, I am the furthest from a feminist but it is about respect and he is not respecting you. If what you say that he really hasn't married her yet why would he choose such a bad woman to be a co wife (she is bad she is spending the night in a hotel with him). I wouldn't want a polygamous marriage and you are stronger than me for agreeing to stay in one....but don't you think he should at least find one more respectable who will not spend the night in hotels with men?

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Agree with sister imAli on the 2nd part that your husband should chose someone as good as you are or someone better in eiman than you.This matches a ruling of our scholars who wouldn't alow even muta with ahlulkitab if your nikah spouse is already a muslima.

Now I won't know under what circumstances she was meeting your husband in a hotel. You will need to find out for yourself. It coild be something smaller thsn what you could be suspecting.

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you only know my opinion on certain issues we disagree on, so dont say something which you dont know of. I might have said something useful, that could have saved a life which is 100 times better then any marriage thread you start every other day.

And we disagree on just about everything and I doubt you have saved a life by using a forum.

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