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In the Name of God بسم الله
ImAli

Should You Force Your Daughter To Dress In Hijab?

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My mother in law forced my sister in law to wear hijab from the time she was 8 years old. She was very strict with what my sister in law was allowed to wear and even beat her one day for playing with eyeshadow. Now my sister in law is engaged to be married and still covers her hair but in no way does she wear hijab properly....now she is wearing tight jeans and form fitting western style clothing and my mother in law is breathing fire....she is so angry and feels that everything she taught my sister in law has been flushed down the drain. So to get to the point....how do you feel about making your daughter dress in proper hijab? Do you think it should be enforced so do you feel it should be a choice. I used to think I would make my daughter dress in proper hijab, but after seeing this hit so close to home I am not so sure about it anymore.

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You can be firm while still being tactful and humane. Rules are rules, and give the child "choice" often they'll go the wrong way. "Johnny, I would like you to eat your broccoli. But I want you to make that choice yourself, I won't force you. Oh, what's that? You want cake and soda instead?"

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You can be firm while still being tactful and humane. Rules are rules, and give the child "choice" often they'll go the wrong way. "Johnny, I would like you to eat your broccoli. But I want you to make that choice yourself, I won't force you. Oh, what's that? You want cake and soda instead?"

But who is to say that once the girl is grown she won't do just what my sister in law did? My mother in law has no control over this and her soon to be husband doesn't care, he prefers her to dress this way.

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I think often, in any context in life, if you absolutely *force* something apon someone against they're will they actually grow to resent it.

If you force a child to do homework they will resent it, if you give a child a toy but later take it away they will resent it. No one likes having things forced apon them.

I think in any situation, the best you can do is tell them why it is good and virtuous and urge them to do it. Forcing them to do it or getting angry at them won't really work, it may leave them with bad impressions for the rest of their life (hopefully not). So, tell them why, try your best but ultimately in the end, it is up to the person.

I have seen some girls from very religious families (christian) having things forced apon them, not understanding what was going on or why they were being restricted against their will and ultimately in the end, they didn't turn out very virtuous or Christian... It would be much better if it was explained to them why it is good to do such things rather than have it forced apon them. Newtons third law afterall, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Push them hard to do something and you might just push them hard away from that very thing. Guide them lightly.

No compulsion in religion after-all. You should not compel someone to wear the hijab no matter how old, you can suggest it and tell them its correct but i don't think you should compell them. Ultimately though, this is a matter for the person and their own personal choices.

Just my point of view in general, feel free to disregard.

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I don't feel the issue should ever be forced. If it is against the personality of your child, that may have alot to do with the nurturing process of the parents involved.

Yes we all make our own choices, but our choices our very much influenced by our upbringing and teachings.

Me for example - I was from a Muslim family, but it was never forced upon me or even really educated or instilled in me. For that reason i went down a dark path and committed many sins. Many of the worlds haram seductions i was weakened to purely because i did not appreciate or truly realise the consequences. Quite honestly if you do not have a true genuine fear of Allah within you, then you can never truly subsume any religion within you.

My last attempt of discovering Islam was done for other people - So i did not truly take to it as it was not in my heart. As the example made by maciscaac, when you ask your child to eat their broccoli. They must want to eat it to truly enjoy and take to it.

This time around, i have taken to Islam for myself, because i want to for many reasons purely for myself and Allah subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.

Moral of my point - You cannot make anyone do something they do not want to do for themselves. They will only be lying to you, but worse themselves, which inturn is lying to Allah.

رحمك الله

Rahimakalla

Ali.

Edited by AbuLayla

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You can be firm while still being tactful and humane. Rules are rules, and give the child "choice" often they'll go the wrong way. "Johnny, I would like you to eat your broccoli. But I want you to make that choice yourself, I won't force you. Oh, what's that? You want cake and soda instead?"

If its a case of being forced against your will it can do the exact opposite as well, as soon as she gets a degree of independence she will be associating it with something oppressive and be less inclined to wear and as it isnt even necessary untill she is pubescent it isnt like asking a little kid to eat his greens, there is a measure of independent decision making and independent identity at that point.

I think its better to explain the benefits of something to someone to encourage them.

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FORCE is wrong word, you should PROGRAM your daughter to do hijab. Just like you PROGRAM your kids to follow your madhab, your morals, your way of life, and your values living in any society. FORCE always backfires. PROGRAMMING leaves the room for even more improvements.

Now how to PROGRAM your child, is a totally different topic...

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Wow I really wish this could have stayed in the general section instead of the sisters forum so I could get a wider range of opinions.

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Personally I think that you should teach your daughter enough about Islam and why hijab is important etc, so that she is able to make up her own mind. Also, if she sees her mother doing hijab properly and whatnot from a young age she will think thats the proper way to do it and will most likely do it in the same way.

Ultimately force will only further her from the hijab (in most cases) as children/teenagers on the whole like to rebel. It is far better to teach and encourage. :D

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Hijab is wajib so you shouldn't even for a split second think of not making her wear the hijab at an early age. Usually, children want to imitate their parents actions and copy them. One day when you're wearing the hijab you should tell your daughter to come and see you wear it and by doing this she'll want to be just like you and wear it. Tell her the benefits of it etc. Also, a child's surroundings have a major impact in their life so as she grows older you should make sure she has good, practicing friends who will lead her in the right path.

In addition, when your daughter starts wearing the hijab have a little party for her, give her a new hijab and a prayer mat etc. Make her feel special and constantly encourage and praise her for wearing it. By doing all these things she won't start resenting wearing the hijab. In order for her to maintain it and not let her go astray you have you raise her to be a true lover of the Ahlul Bayt (as). If a person understands the true essence of hijab then they'll be fine Inshallah. You have to do what is wajib upon you, guide your children by telling them what actions are haram etc. When they grow older they are responsible for their own actions.

EDIT: At a young age you shouldn't give them a choice. Be firm.

Edited by Hawraa29

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well when inshallah I have a girl, I would want her to wear her hijab when she's 9 because it's wajib. To me, Hijab and prayer are on the same column of wajebat, and since I won't give my kid a choice if she wants to pray.. hijab will be the same. I won't JUST force her when she turns 9 tho. I would def prepare her for it from a super young age.

when I was 2, I used to see mom always wearing her abaya, and I kept crying coz I wanted one 2. of course when she got it 4 me, I played with it, and forgot abt it, but since I was a baby mom would buy me hijabs and it just happened..

I think it really depends on how the parents present the Islamic teachings to their children.. inshallah it'll go well with my kids :D

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Dr. Faezeh Azimzadeh Ardebili, professor at Imam Sadiq (as) University, asked some girls whose mothers were chadori why they themselves do not wear chador. They all answered that it was because they did not like their mothers.

Parents need to do more than just force their kids. They need to have such a powerful authority that their kids follow them by choice (much like the natural authority of our maraji').

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i dont think you can force someone to wear the hijab even though it wajib, she will only rebel and wont understand the reason behind wearing it, remember in the Quran it says "let there be no compuslion in religion" 2:256. Talk to her, and guide her InshAllah she will come around to the idea. This is my view on the matter, but i think its better consulting maulanas who have more knowledge on the matter. InshAllah you daught will soon accept the hijab, wasalaam.

Edited by AlHamdulillah110

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Not wearing hijab but still remaining a pious Muslim, is at least better than those poor parents who have daughters who go out dating, drinking etc. without any remorse (100% westernized).

Hijab might be one aspect of Islam, but I don't think people should kill themselves or go nuts if their daughters choose to avoid it.

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Hijab might be one aspect of Islam, but I don't think people should kill themselves or go nuts if their daughters choose to avoid it.

Sometimes the families reputation is a stake, not saying that this is necessarily a good thing as you should fear Allah (swt) before anything else but that's just the way some people think...

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Dr. Faezeh Azimzadeh Ardebili, professor at Imam Sadiq (as) University, asked some girls whose mothers were chadori why they themselves do not wear chador. They all answered that it was because they did not like their mothers.

Parents need to do more than just force their kids. They need to have such a powerful authority that their kids follow them by choice (much like the natural authority of our maraji').

Ok that is spot on! I just figured out what is going on with my SIL and MIL.....they have an extremely tense relationship. I need to remember that bringing up my daughter.

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(bismillah)

(salam)

Imam Sadiq (as) told us to teach by example. This is the main thing. A lot of fathers tell their sons not to smoke while themselves they are smoking :mellow:. If you, by yourself, live your islam like it's the coolest thing ever happened to you... Well that kind of radient energy will flow to your children. They will love Islam. Make it fun. Make it cool... Work with rewards... Talk to them a lot about the stories... The hijra, the miraj, ... So many great stories to be told...

As for hijab it is a very dear subject for me as I have 2 daughters. Rightnow my oldest is 7 and she is getting used by wearing a bandana always she goes out. At the weekends and to the mosques we try that she wears full hijab. At 9 I guess she will be gradually ready to keep it.

BIG PROBLEM however is the schools. In Belgium it is forbidden in most schools to put a hijab. Don't know how we'll deal with that. Some very good, hijabi girls, go to school with hijab, take it off in the entrance hall and vice versa when they go out. Sad development of the "liberal" western world.

Another thing we're working on is the fasting. The days are very long (3.30 am till 10 pm) in here so I don't know when she reaches 9 she will be able to fast complete. Rightnow she is fasting complete with 2 breaks during the day. One at 12, the other at 5pm. If she completes her week (which she did till know) she can go to restaurant on sunday after magrieb. If she can complete the month like that, insha'Allah i promised to go horse riding with her.

Hope all of you do your best for your children. They are the next generation of Imam's helpers!

ma'a salama,

Ihsaan

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I think there is a age where children need to be told what to do and this could be done in a subtle way without even saying anything. Thats what indirect way of teaching means, which is even being followed in academic institutions these days. Parents don't even have to say anything, the actions and environment are such that kids think its them making a decision whereas its the parents in control.

Hijab might be one aspect of Islam, but I don't think people should kill themselves or go nuts if their daughters choose to avoid it.

It's surprising to know that you would take a matter of a sin so lightly. Why shouldn't people go nuts if their daughter is missing a wajib thing, which means essentially committing sin every time she meets a na-mehram. any sane parent should definitly become sleepless at night thinking about the issue. Your argument about being non hijabi yet good in other ways is the same as many people saying look they do salat yet are immoral. One is not related to the other...every wajib act has its own place.

Every sin creates a black spot on the heart, imagine the state of the heart when life ends for someone whose living and breathing sin.

Edited by -SeeKeR-

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That's like asking "Should i force my newborn son to be circumcised?"

I understand your point....but I have seen so many girls who choose it on their own and they do it properly, then the ones who were forced rebel and never really uncover their hair but they start to wear tight clothes and tons of makeup.

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Although Hijab is wajib, I believe that young women should have a right to either choose to wear it or not. Young ladies should be taught at a young age the reason for hijab, and why it is a beautiful thing and let them make their own choice on whether to wear it or not. If you are forced to do something, it only makes you want to rebel even more. Give them the resources and let them make their own decisions.

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SalaM Alaikum

from my own personal experience. I think the best way to get a young person to want to wear hijab is when they are 4-9 or 10 years old make the young girls think that women who wear hijab belong to a very exclusive club and that wearing hijab is not for little girls but strong, intelligent women of honorable position.

I personally would not let my daughter at 6 years old wear hijab I would tell her she is a little girl and this is for women and I would wear my hijab with such pride and hang around women who do the same that my daughter would slightly envy us and she will not be able to wait until she is able to wear hijab then I would constantly make remarks about all the benefits women with hijab get until the hijab would look like a golden tierra with diamonds and sapphires in my daughter's eyes.

I do not have children yet but I heard it worked with one muslim family. It also worked with me as a convert when muslims who saw I was interested to learn about Islam would say I was a nice girl but how hijab is something I would never do only very good women who fear Allah do that. I was convinced I wanted to be one of those women. those highly esteemed women. I believe if u set an age like 11 years old and teach the girl from being a toddler on up about the beauti of hijab when she is 11 years old she will beg to wear it and will see it as an honor. but she must see other powerful, intelligent women wearing it.

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Hijab is obligatory and at such a young age parents have authority with regard to this matter and they should not give their daughter a choice whether or not to wear it. As it’s obligatory she should be forced to wear it until she is 18. Being a Muslim means submitting to the will of Allah. Forcing her to wear the hijab would not be considered as oppressive as  their should not be freedom to do something which displeases Allah.

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Salaam Alaykum

I'm also very concerned about the Hijab, but beating a kid just for not wearing hijab is inhumane. All Muslim men must teach Hijab to their kids and wife but in a beautiful way. Beating kids, disrespecting them, etc. are non islamic methods for religious teachings. Hijab is a must, but it should be transfered to the next generation in a beautiful way.

On the other hand, there are some men who are not concerned about Hijab. His wife and daughter walks around without Hijab, and he doesn't care. This is also wrong. I remember there was a man looking at the wife of another person, and her husband did not do anything. His wife was non-hijabi. This mentality is also absolutely wrong.

Edited by AmirAlmuminin Lover

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23 hours ago, Unknown user said:

Hijab is obligatory and at such a young age parents have authority with regard to this matter and they should not give their daughter a choice whether or not to wear it. As it’s obligatory she should be forced to wear it until she is 18. Being a Muslim means submitting to the will of Allah. Forcing her to wear the hijab would not be considered as oppressive as  their should not be freedom to do something which displeases Allah.

I think that forcing the hijab on their daughter is horrible. Yes, it is wajib, but you could do more harm than good if you force your daughter to wear the hijab. She'll grow to resent it and possibly even rebel against it. Shed also start viewing it as an oppressive idea and start to generalise that Islam is oppressive and sexist which would eventually lead to her complete disassociation with Islam. There is a fine line between being firm and forceful. Forceful is very damaging and possibly abusive. 

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12 hours ago, Amira00 said:

I think that forcing the hijab on their daughter is horrible. Yes, it is wajib, but you could do more harm than good if you force your daughter to wear the hijab. She'll grow to resent it and possibly even rebel against it. Shed also start viewing it as an oppressive idea and start to generalise that Islam is oppressive and sexist which would eventually lead to her complete disassociation with Islam. There is a fine line between being firm and forceful. Forceful is very damaging and possibly abusive. 

I disagree. Hijab is not something you could chose if you want or not, as a Muslim you MUST wear it like for western people they must wear at least a t-shirt. Now if she begins to "rebels" against it she is just immature. 

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2 hours ago, alidu78 said:

I disagree. Hijab is not something you could chose if you want or not, as a Muslim you MUST wear it like for western people they must wear at least a t-shirt. Now if she begins to "rebels" against it she is just immature. 

You clearly have no idea of the struggles women go through, in particular young girl of nine years. In addition to all the pressures and hardships of puberty little girls go through issues of insecurity and alienation especially in western countries. Don't try and say that insecurity isn't a good enough problem to cause the girl to rebel. Insecurity and the pressures girls undergo from western society could cause even greater issues linking to mental health which could turn major. So , it is understandable if a girl takes off the hijab if she was forced to wear it at such a young age, especially if she ended up struggling mentally because of it. Don't label this as "immaturity" because you have no idea how difficult it is to wear the hijab. You answered the question with fiqh but it's not as simple as that. Unless you spend 10 years of your life completely covered up in a western society don't judge a woman. 

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2 hours ago, alidu78 said:

I disagree. Hijab is not something you could chose if you want or not, as a Muslim you MUST wear it like for western people they must wear at least a t-shirt. Now if she begins to "rebels" against it she is just immature. 

Hijab isn’t a matter of choice. It’s wajib. It must be worn. Even though the Quran says “There is no compulsion in religion” that’s only for coming into Islam. The girl is Muslim so she must wear hijab even if she doesn’t like it. There is no two ways about it. She should be forced if she rebels.

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7 hours ago, IbnSina said:

Hmm, if a toddler does not want to wear diapers, is it wrong to force him/her to wear it?

Not wearing a diaper isn’t a problem because it doesn’t displease Allah. Not wearing a hijab should not be a choice for Muslim girls as it is wajib and not wearing it would displease Allah. Do you think there should be freedom to disobey and displease Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى? Allowing her to refuse to wear the hijab is like allowing to her to apostate because denying something wajib in Islam is apostasy. She is to remain a Muslim even if it’s by force

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8 hours ago, Amira00 said:

You clearly have no idea of the struggles women go through, in particular young girl of nine years. In addition to all the pressures and hardships of puberty little girls go through issues of insecurity and alienation especially in western countries. Don't try and say that insecurity isn't a good enough problem to cause the girl to rebel. Insecurity and the pressures girls undergo from western society could cause even greater issues linking to mental health which could turn major. So , it is understandable if a girl takes off the hijab if she was forced to wear it at such a young age, especially if she ended up struggling mentally because of it. Don't label this as "immaturity" because you have no idea how difficult it is to wear the hijab. You answered the question with fiqh but it's not as simple as that. Unless you spend 10 years of your life completely covered up in a western society don't judge a woman. 

You have made hijab hard according to your limitations.  Hijab is not a burden, it is a mercy and a blessing.

This is where patience comes in, patience in following God's laws, but unfortunately western culture doesn't teach that in the curriculum. 

God bless our convert sisters when they embrace our beautiful Deen, they face so many problems and they still don the hijab, Alhamd'Allah.

If hijab is seriously problematic for you, make duaa to help you complete your obligation.  

M3 Salamah, Fe Amin Allah 

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If this is worth sharing..

 I have an elder and a younger sister, My big sister never wore hijab as i was influenced by it since a very young age,(there is an year difference between us) Our parents never force us to wear hijab or not ( but sometimes they tried to stop me as i was the only one who was practicing it in my whole family for sometime, that was making me outcast , they said i am very young, I should let it go in parties etc)After a short while my mother and younger sister start wearing it but not her, in fact females from our whole family started to taking it , Mum Father didn't force her at all (My mum said I want her to decide whether this is worth wearing or not so she couldn't escape it whenever it is hard or unwilling for her) She get married 2 years ago, her husband stayed out of her this business..

She got two twins daughters on January 1.. We were going out after sometime and she was searching for matching scarf, we were surprised but kept quite.. A lady from our relative asks on that day whether she have started taking hijab?? She replied (from that very moment i am very inspired and proud of her): I have to raise two good daughters, I can not do that if i am not good one.

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7 hours ago, Amira00 said:

You clearly have no idea of the struggles women go through, in particular young girl of nine years. In addition to all the pressures and hardships of puberty little girls go through issues of insecurity and alienation especially in western countries. Don't try and say that insecurity isn't a good enough problem to cause the girl to rebel. Insecurity and the pressures girls undergo from western society could cause even greater issues linking to mental health which could turn major. So , it is understandable if a girl takes off the hijab if she was forced to wear it at such a young age, especially if she ended up struggling mentally because of it. Don't label this as "immaturity" because you have no idea how difficult it is to wear the hijab. You answered the question with fiqh but it's not as simple as that. Unless you spend 10 years of your life completely covered up in a western society don't judge a woman. 

I was talking about islamic rules in general not about living in a western country with a hijab wich is a very different issue. Anyway at a muslim country hijab is supposed to be mandatory for women as dress norm.

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5 hours ago, Unknown user said:

Not wearing a diaper isn’t a problem because it doesn’t displease Allah. Not wearing a hijab should not be a choice for Muslim girls as it is wajib and not wearing it would displease Allah. Do you think there should be freedom to disobey and displease Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى? Allowing her to refuse to wear the hijab is like allowing to her to apostate because denying something wajib in Islam is apostasy. She is to remain a Muslim even if it’s by force

I didnt say the opposite brother i am even totally agree.

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