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In the Name of God بسم الله

Dynamics Of Hijab And Marriage

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So I was thinking....don't most marriages start off on a shallow basis....such as a guy thinking a girl is pretty and then marrying her? Then, as they spend time together, their relationship deepens and so even if the girl becomes old and ugly, the guy still loves her.

In that vein, is starting hijab before marriage really a good idea? Wouldn't it be better for a girl to display her beauty to make it easier for her to get married? Isn't it okay to start off a marriage on shallow premises such as beauty because it will eventually progress to love?

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1. Physical attraction often sparks the inital interest (but not always.....perhaps not even most of the time as religiousity, personality and intelligence can also do this) but most people (even men) do not marry someone simply because they find her attractive. It's usually a combination of factors.

2. Hijab is wajib. So regardless, it doesn't matter.

As for the normative question ie. whether it's ok to start a marriage on shallow premises such as beauty - quite simply, no. It can be one of the factors, but to use it as the only or the main one is just plain silly.

wasalaam

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Right....it's the initial spark that's important. The rest of us who wear hijab aren't able to trigger that initial spark even because our beauty is covered up. The girls who don't do hijab and who are physically attractive, who are able to trigger that initial spark, are usually nice girls and so guys start liking their personalities, too. For this reason, Shia guys don't even give us a chance.

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^Hijab doesn't cover all beauty, it covers some portion of it. It still reveals your face which can obviously also be physically attractive and is in fact probably the most attractive part of a person. Sure, hair enhances the beauty but it can't make her beautiful in itself. She could have the prettiest hair in the world, it's still not going to be any substitute for an attractive face. Likewise, she could have a great figure but the face is still the most important part.....plus, even if a girl is wearing loose clothing you can still tell if she's overweight/thin etc. Also, as I said above, physical attraction is not the only thing that triggers the initial spark.

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Hijab covers just enough beauty even if it does let some show. What does show is just not enough. The hijabis that get noticed by guys rae the ones who are loud and have strong personalities. The rest of us quieter folks need that extra boost that not wearing hijab confers.

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Hijab covers just enough beauty even if it does let some show. What does show is just not enough. The hijabis that get noticed by guys rae the ones who are loud and have strong personalities. The rest of us quieter folks need that extra boost that not wearing hijab confers.

Well I disagree with that, I've seen plenty of non-loud hijabi's also get noticed. If you are only getting noticed if you are not in hijab or are loud, then you're attracting the wrong kind of attention anyway. You may think that's cliche but it's true, do you really want to be with such a shallow guy in the first place.

wasalaam

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Like I said, it starts off shallow. So I don't mind attracting someone that way. The quiet girls that get noticed are the ones who are Seyyeds and are noticed by Seyyed men, or who have family connections, or who are tall, or who are done with their studies. The rest of us don't.

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Think about it this way, there are some guys out there who will ONLY marry a girl who wears hijab. Those are the guys you want to be approached by anyway. There are guys out there who don't necessarily want a "loud" or over the top attention seeking muslim woman. There are guys out there who are Syed and could care less if they marry a Syeda or non-Syed woman (shocking, but it does happen).

Similarly, there are guys out there who are not Syed who possess all the above as well.

Simply put, would you really want to compromise your hijab--something that you are absolutely required to uphold for the sake of Allah (swt)--for a guy who will initially only come to you because he finds your hair attractive? If we as women can be the flag bearers of Islam through our hijab, surely our Creator will take care of us as long as our goal in life is to please Him alone.

As shown in my signature, I believe the eloquent saying by our Imam applies here:

"Oh Allah, when I lose my hopes and plans, help me remember that your love is greater than my disappointments, and your plans for my life are better than my dreams." - Imam Ali

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Think about it this way, there are some guys out there who will ONLY marry a girl who wears hijab. Those are the guys you want to be approached by anyway. There are guys out there who don't necessarily want a "loud" or over the top attention seeking muslim woman. There are guys out there who are Syed and could care less if they marry a Syeda or non-Syed woman (shocking, but it does happen).

Similarly, there are guys out there who are not Syed who possess all the above as well.

Simply put, would you really want to compromise your hijab--something that you are absolutely required to uphold for the sake of Allah (swt)--for a guy who will initially only come to you because he finds your hair attractive? If we as women can be the flag bearers of Islam through our hijab, surely our Creator will take care of us as long as our goal in life is to please Him alone.

As shown in my signature, I believe the eloquent saying by our Imam applies here:

"Oh Allah, when I lose my hopes and plans, help me remember that your love is greater than my disappointments, and your plans for my life are better than my dreams." - Imam Ali

Whats wrong with Syed-Non Syed marriages??

@ OP, you'll attract the right type of guy by being a good mu'mina. Good, religious guys don't want loud hijabis, simply because, generally speaking, theyre 'fake hijabis'. I haaaaate fake hijabis, i find nice, modest, humble, quiet, religious hijabis so much more attractive. And i have 100000000000x more inspirational, and one instantly finds themselves admiring and respecting such a personality.

Besides, your spouse comes from Allah, therefore disobeying Allah's will in order to find a spouse would be silly! Ya zimmee??

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Think about it this way, there are some guys out there who will ONLY marry a girl who wears hijab. Those are the guys you want to be approached by anyway. There are guys out there who don't necessarily want a "loud" or over the top attention seeking muslim woman. There are guys out there who are Syed and could care less if they marry a Syeda or non-Syed woman (shocking, but it does happen).

Similarly, there are guys out there who are not Syed who possess all the above as well.

Simply put, would you really want to compromise your hijab--something that you are absolutely required to uphold for the sake of Allah (swt)--for a guy who will initially only come to you because he finds your hair attractive? If we as women can be the flag bearers of Islam through our hijab, surely our Creator will take care of us as long as our goal in life is to please Him alone.

As shown in my signature, I believe the eloquent saying by our Imam applies here:

"Oh Allah, when I lose my hopes and plans, help me remember that your love is greater than my disappointments, and your plans for my life are better than my dreams." - Imam Ali

Whats wrong with that? I am a syed and i really have no preference if the girl is syed or not as long as she is a good mumina. Our Imams(as) never said that syeds should only marry syeds (another of those indo-pak cultural roots), in fact Imams (as) have married a hindu princess (who became a momina), they married slaves in order to give them freedom, married Abu Sufyan's daughter etc. correct me if i am wrong and i appologise if i gave any wrong info

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Whats wrong with that? I am a syed and i really have no preference if the girl is syed or not as long as she is a good mumina. Our Imams(as) never said that syeds should only marry syeds (another of those indo-pak cultural roots), in fact Imams (as) have married a hindu princess (who became a momina), they married slaves in order to give them freedom, married Abu Sufyan's daughter etc. correct me if i am wrong and i appologise if i gave any wrong info

You're not wrong, don't appologise!

Wasn't Imam Al-Kadhim's mother a Black slave?

No marji3 has anounced it haram, and even if they did, the very fact that the Ahlul-Bayt didn't is enough for us.

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So I was thinking....don't most marriages start off on a shallow basis....such as a guy thinking a girl is pretty and then marrying her? Then, as they spend time together, their relationship deepens and so even if the girl becomes old and ugly, the guy still loves her.

In that vein, is starting hijab before marriage really a good idea? Wouldn't it be better for a girl to display her beauty to make it easier for her to get married? Isn't it okay to start off a marriage on shallow premises such as beauty because it will eventually progress to love?

I totally disagree with that :Hijabi:

1st HIJABIS ARE GORGEOUS, and their husbands should feel LUCKY coz they r the only ones who'll see every bit of beauty.

2nd I'd never marry someone coz he thinks am pretty! I don't want some shallow guy with no depth.. I feel sad for whoever falls for this: "ooo u r pretty marry me" like WTH! lool

3rd who said Hijabs got a less of a chance? many guys like em.. plus u can see the face in its pure way not dipping with makeup :squeez:

4th shallow marriages either end.. or stay shallow.. which is pathetic.. a marriage should start on understanding, respect, mutual interest, so far I haven't seen a shallow marriage that lasted, but who knows

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Guys don't want beautiful. They want sexy.

guys are MANY kinds my dear ;) and a woman shouldn't change herself in order to be married.. her true soul mate will have to accept her for all she is, and she would do the same.. being sexy is sooooo overrated.. and sexy doesn't always mean a girl with cleavage tho that's what the media wants us to think.. reality is there r many definitions for it.. some guys consider "a quiet girl" sexy..

God will give the person the right one for them sooner or later.. u just gota believe :)

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Guys don't want beautiful. They want sexy.

Guys who wanna play around want sexy, guys who wanna get married want beautiful.

Besides, YOU dont want somone who wants sexy!

Just have patience - Surat Al-Dhoha 'and your Lord will give you so that you will be satisfied'.

Dont forget, Allah created us in pairs!

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No, guys are just immature when they're younger but they become religious when they're older. Plus, guys are often religious and decent in other areas of their lives, except they want a hot wife.

Even religious guys are concerned about the physical attractiveness of their wives.

There are benefits to being with a hot wife....it'll help you be less distracted, commit fewer sins, so you can pray to Him. So it can actually bring guys closer to Him if they are concerned about attractiveness.

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Salams sis OneNoteSong:

Sis Ruqayya has made some very good points as well as others. Not sure what else I can add? I'm going to share a little from my experience and hope that this helps.

Sis, before i wore Hijab, there was a guy who i knew was courting my dad (for me.. he was clever it was a good way to go about it).. he'd turn up in his flashy car and decide he wanted to pop in to visit my dad for a visit once or twice a week just because :wacko: . My dad had indicated time and time again that us girls were to finish uni and then we were 'allowed' to have suitors. Fast forward to my graduation day, 8 weeks before I decided to surprise my family and wear my hijab on a special occasion.. so decided that it would be my graduation. Did I/my dad ever see that young chap again? LOL.. Heck. Did I see the other guy who was also approaching again? They both took one step forward and ran a mile when I donned the Hijab.

Did I care? Nope! These guys wanted a HANDBAG for a wife.. ie the accessory that they walk into a room with.. the "oh look at her this my wife" to their work colleagues. I ruined that future illusion for them and in many ways my prayers had been answered. Allah (swt) no doubt protected me from these 'men'.

My aunty (isnt it always family who say the worst sometimes??).. after still not being married etc etc and quite clearly almost going to be a spinster :rolleyes: would say "Iman.. put a little bit of 'mikyaaj' (make-up).... then maybe you'll get married". My response was always "I'm creating an illusion of how i look before a guy has even met me?? it''s a lie :) ". She even gave me a concoction to get rid of my "freckles" :lol: I dont have a problem with anything about me and thank goodness I had a better sense of my self-worth than what she was dishing out at me ;)

I do wear a little bit of make-up (eye-liner, mascara) occasionally NOW that I am married. No concealer or any of that gunk though... despite my freckles :P Hubby adores me and my sprinkling of freckles across my nose and HATES any bit of make-up I feel inclined to wear.

You sound like a bright and intelligent person sis. the right person is out there for you.. I used to pray day in-day out for everything with the same prayer "Oh Allah.. bring forth what is good and keep away what is bad". And alhamdulillah I have been very blessed. Whatever He does not give me I know it is not going to be right for me. I guess this comes from experience ... every single thing in my life I have come across.. what did happen.. what didnt happen.. it ALL makes sense now.

To other comments.:

Right....it's the initial spark that's important. The rest of us who wear hijab aren't able to trigger that initial spark even because our beauty is covered up. The girls who don't do hijab and who are physically attractive, who are able to trigger that initial spark, are usually nice girls and so guys start liking their personalities, too. For this reason, Shia guys don't even give us a chance.

Sis, I connected with my husband over email and then the phone (both with my parents permission of course). Thats how we connected. He had no idea what I looked like and vice versa til a fundraising dinner 2 weeks later.

^Hijab doesn't cover all beauty, it covers some portion of it. It still reveals your face which can obviously also be physically attractive and is in fact probably the most attractive part of a person. Sure, hair enhances the beauty but it can't make her beautiful in itself. She could have the prettiest hair in the world, it's still not going to be any substitute for an attractive face. Likewise, she could have a great figure but the face is still the most important part.....plus, even if a girl is wearing loose clothing you can still tell if she's overweight/thin etc. Also, as I said above, physical attraction is not the only thing that triggers the initial spark.

Absolutely! Especially that last part in bold :)

Hijab covers just enough beauty even if it does let some show. What does show is just not enough. The hijabis that get noticed by guys rae the ones who are loud and have strong personalities. The rest of us quieter folks need that extra boost that not wearing hijab confers.

Hun, I'm definitely NOT loud nor am I drop dead gorgeous by any measure :) My hubby said he 'noticed' me even before that initial email. He said that when he heard that I wanted to let my parents know first before proceeding further/giving him my email, he knew that he found someone with the character he wanted.

Dude, I'm talking about the initial steps, before he even asks to see your hair. For instance, all these religious conferences....only the really pretty or loud+hijabi girls get noticed.

How do you know that?

Like I said, it starts off shallow. So I don't mind attracting someone that way. The quiet girls that get noticed are the ones who are Seyyeds and are noticed by Seyyed men, or who have family connections, or who are tall, or who are done with their studies. The rest of us don't.

You dont mind attracting them that way? What kind of self-worth do you have about yourself and your own personal character?

Guys don't want beautiful. They want sexy.

Ummm... really? Maybe in a wife AFTER marriage. Not in a girl who's flaunting it for all to see. Poor character in my opinion.

No, guys are just immature when they're younger but they become religious when they're older. Plus, guys are often religious and decent in other areas of their lives, except they want a hot wife.

Even religious guys are concerned about the physical attractiveness of their wives.

There are benefits to being with a hot wife....it'll help you be less distracted, commit fewer sins, so you can pray to Him. So it can actually bring guys closer to Him if they are concerned about attractiveness.

Are you serious sis? A guy who is going to sin will do so regardless. I know a few struggling marriages where the wife is 'HOT' and the husband STILL feels the need to fool around.

And it can bring a guy closer to Him if they are concerned about attractiveness?? Please explain this further - I dont understand what you mean.

So I was thinking....don't most marriages start off on a shallow basis....such as a guy thinking a girl is pretty and then marrying her? Then, as they spend time together, their relationship deepens and so even if the girl becomes old and ugly, the guy still loves her.

That is a very Jane Austen-esque view on relationships. Often if a guy marries only for beauty.. if she changes, as she likely will, problems can ensue. And who says that it eventually progresses to love anyway?

In that vein, is starting hijab before marriage really a good idea? Wouldn't it be better for a girl to display her beauty to make it easier for her to get married? Isn't it okay to start off a marriage on shallow premises such as beauty because it will eventually progress to love?

You sound really embittered and unhappy sis. Some people are blessed with beauty OneNote.. some people are not (beauty is in the eye of the beholder though). No matter how 'beautiful' you make yourself.. taking off the Hijab, putting on make-up instead, will you really be happy when/if you do this?

Work on what is making you unhappy. If it is your looks/character .. you need to look at your own self-worth as everyone is from Allah (swt) and therefore beautiful. In terms of character, we ALL have much to work on.. Read qur'an, ahadeeth and dua. These all elevate and help to spiritually connect and refocus on a different level. I notice girls like this have an aura about them that is different to any kind of beauty out there. They have true Noor and that is amazing to be near, let alone it being 'attractive' mashallah

If loneliness is making you unhappy.. Join n Islamic volunteer organisation. You will meet so many more people. Widened a circle of friends/going to events also brings with it other possibilities. I know many who have met their future partners this way.

You need to be happy and confident in yourself... that is what is attractive. Regardless of wearing/not wearing Hijab/make-up :)

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to the OP: its better to be alone and be the correct version of you. it is common from my experience that many men who find out that their potential wives are willing to forgoe their personal moral code/ lifestyle to please their husbands will end up taking more and more and demanding their wives change more and more. these men are never happy btw.

unmarried sisters are like apples on a tree man. some are near the bottom, some in the middle, some on the top. the ones near the bottom dont need to put any effort in, a man will come along, stretch out his hand and pluck them as easy as that. some apples even fall on the ground in front of the man making it even easier for the men. the apples at the top of the tree see the apples at the bottom of the tree and think that there must be something wrong with them, because the apples at the top are never picked, not realising they get the most sun, the cleanest air and protection from any harm from the ground. some of the apples at the top of the tree decide to fall from the top just so a man can pick them, but falling from such a great height causes much more damage to the apple than if it was on the bottom.

what you need to do sister, is wait for the man who is willing to climb the tree.

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Right....it's the initial spark that's important. The rest of us who wear hijab aren't able to trigger that initial spark even because our beauty is covered up. The girls who don't do hijab and who are physically attractive, who are able to trigger that initial spark, are usually nice girls and so guys start liking their personalities, too. For this reason, Shia guys don't even give us a chance.

A mumin guy knows that hijab is wajib for sisters. As a consequence, he would not consider marrying a girl or women who doesn't wear proper hijab. So he limits his circle of possibilities to women/ girl who wears hijab. He may be attracted to non hijabis but he would never consider marrying one. The reasoning is very simple and logical. If a muslim women is not wearning hijab, either she is ignorant or in open defiance of the command of Allah(s.w.a). If she is willing to violate and disregard this command of Allah(s.w.a), what other commands will she violate and disregard ? A mumin guy wouldn't take that chance, especially with someone who will be (InShahAllah) the mother of his children. If she is ignorant, then he may approach the issue of marriage and bring up the issue and see how she responds. If she still refuses after knowledge, then she is no longer a possibility.

I don't think your right about the 'being load and strong personality thing'. There is nothing wrong with having a strong personality, as long as it is based on Haqq and Ilm, but a women who is loud or talks loud. To me, and most guys I know this is a big minus and not a plus. They get noticed, but for the wrong reasons.

I think the main impediment to girls , especially practicing mumina to getting married is parents and other family members. They believe that to preserve their Haya, they need to keep them locked in their room and never let them go anywhere where they could meet anyone who is not in their immediate family or someone that they have not already chosen for their daughter / relative. There are alot of possibilities out there, but most sisters don't know they exists (most brothers either). That is why I got involved in activities like 'Heavenly Match'. It is a good way for sisters and brothers to meet in a halal environment. We are doing it again this year at Muslim Congress in Kansas City.

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Salaam.

It's refreshing to read such a spectrum of views. Must admit more confused having read everything in this thread. So to straighten it out in my head. Hijaab is mandatory. Marriage works on multiple levels for it to succeed. Can't see the connection. Allah knows best.

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Salaam.

It's refreshing to read such a spectrum of views. Must admit more confused having read everything in this thread. So to straighten it out in my head. Hijaab is mandatory. Marriage works on multiple levels for it to succeed. Can't see the connection. Allah knows best.

Salams,

The connection is that someone who's goal in life is to obey Allah(s.w.a) and thus succeed in this world and the next would want someone with the same goal. In order for a marriage to be happy and successful both partners should have the same goal(s) in life, at least the major ones. If a lady doesn't wear hijab, she is openly violating one of the commands of Allah(s.w.a) (given in Surat Nisa and other places in the Quran). So a guy who's goal is to obey Allah(s.w.a) wouldn't want someone who openly disobeys or is ignorant. He knows that the marriage would not be happy and sucessful and thus would avoid this type of women.

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You need to be happy and confident in yourself... that is what is attractive. Regardless of wearing/not wearing Hijab/make-up :)

oooo loved reading ur response! in fact, u should start a blog and I'll read it! loved all ur points :wub:

what you need to do sister, is wait for the man who is willing to climb the tree.

well said MD ;) :wub:

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Many others have had a lot of useful information to contribute, but I'll add something else for consideration.

I have heard that there are women who are more-or-less practicing shia muslims, who for whatever reason do not wear hijab (some such individuals are strongly considering hijab but are still unwilling to wear it), and because of this, they have ultimately had trouble receiving attention and/or inquiries from the type of men they want. That is, they or their families have been approached by people who do not even pray or perhaps openly drink alcohol. And those in a position to "matchmake" (perhaps rightly--although this is hard to say) never recommend them to the more religiously inclined men in the community. People think "oh, she doesn't wear hijab, so practicing muslim guys wouldn't be interested in her," and perhaps they're really not. Some of these individuals are in their thirties and continue to feel frustrated. Insha'Allah they'll one day choose to embrace wearing hijab, and (even if they don't choose to wear hijab) insha'Allah they'll find suitable men.

Basically, I feel at least in my community, those who wear hijab seem to be more sought out, whether they be the "loud" ones or the "quiet" ones. And from what I've heard, a lot of the "quiet" sisters also receive a lot of attention (that is, inquiries regarding marriage, or suitors), if they are well known by their peers and elders for displaying exemplary piety and akhlaq (compared to others in their age group, anyway).

I hope the original poster finds what I and the others have written to be at least somewhat encouraging.

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