Help, Cannot Stop Sinning - Relationship!

[imconfused]

S/a..

I need help, I will be brief and detailed. Please don't laugh.

Last october I got into a relationship with a kafir girl. It ended in december because I felt guilty as muharram was approaching.

The worst things I've done with the girl during that time was, be almost without all clothes in my room, and masturbation with her....

I cried, bucket loads, when I broke up with her, for Allah to forgive me. I cried. And cried. And cried. Becuase I am generally a good ethical boy, but.. I cried so much. I couldnr believe it. I couldnt believe i did this..

Come january, she was still my friend... We had other haraam moments, randomly, they'd come up because we still liked each other. Masturbation kind of stuff occured. I felt guilty. I think 90 percent of the time I came back home in tears... I cried.

I tried breaking all contact, I thought it would work, 20 days later (during january holidays) it didn't work, first day back we did haraam....

Ever since january I've tried so much to get myself out of sinning with her. I've tried fasting (for few days) - failed.

I tried not talking to her, I couldn't. I tried fighting with her, I couldn't. I promised to Allah so many times about not repeating, I broke all my promises. I promised to the girl id try not initiating any haram, i couldnt keep them.. After I turned 17 I made a resolution to Allah, or oath, to stop sinning, that didn't work (it made me feel so bad..). I went to school with tasbeeh in my pocket, that didn't work. I sometimes recited dhikr all day at school, but wen I asked her about anything haraam I usually stopped my dhikr and gave in to the gunah.

Even tho she's kafir, I've explained to her that it is unethical. She agrrees, she doesn't like to do it, but she has not much fear of Allah as she is kafir and therefore sometimes gives in more often than me.. her parents don't agree with relationships, nether do mine, the parents, we told them the whole story uptill we broke up. But they are unaware that stuff still happens... :'( i feel so bad for lying to my mother.

The girl usually tries to stop me from commiting haraam with her, cos she knows I cry after, but I always give in and cnt control it... i dont like to.. its the moment i cant, its so hard to control :'(

It is now may, almost 8 months, today I did haraam with her. I hugged her to the extent that I ejaculated. (I did this type of haraam the most, on average once a week, I can't avoid it.. My highest time avoiding it was 3 weeks, I want to avoid it for 40 days because prophet said that after 40 dayr you will be able to stop forever. This week, I have hugged her in such a way that I have ejaculated, It has happened twice this week. :(

I don't masturbate with her anymore... I stopped that atleast..

I don't kiss her either any more, since january.., and I try avoiding complimenting her and I'm trying so hard to get over her.

I have cried so much, so much, so much, I have recited dua kumeyl so many times, long sajdahs... Nothing has worked. I recently tried cutting off communication but I can't! I always end back communicating..

I'm luckty school year is almost ending 3 weeks then its summer break, so inshallah all of this will end after that break.. but this just shows my weakness, i had the oppurtunity to stop for 40 days during the school year and im so weak that ive waited till the last few weeks of the school year, and am literally relying on the summer break to help me stop.. astaghfirullah..

I sometimes want to die, kill my self, thoughts, because there is no point in living if I have sinned so much. I hate my past. Its unerasable. I have lost hope, literally. I feel weak that I have had to wait till summer, to get away from her for 2 months..

I know my post has been extremely detailed and dirty and I know Allah says to not tell others your sin, but I need people to know the seriousness of the situation. I have lied to myself, Allah and my family, her family, everyone that I have told that i have ended this relationship, when really it has but it hasn't. I try limitting my convo with her but it doesn't help. I always cry.. I am living a very sad life, whenever I remember anything with her, the haraam past, I cry... I have not had sex with her, buts been as bad. crying is interfering my education, but I HAVE TO CRY. I CANT AVOID IT SOMETIMES. I WANT TO SO BAD RIGHT NOW BUT BECAUSE I HAVE a family at home I can't...

I have lost hope, I don't think I deserved to be forgiven... I will always be one of the lowest people in the eyes of Allah, I will never be able to come back up, I will be whipped and lasshed so bad on the day of judgement :'( .. i will never be at the same as my, for example reach the goodness of my brothers level. I am probably the only person in my family to have done such a sin, no one except I, Allah and the girl know the details.. I have seen stuff I am not spose to.. I feel ashamed and when I write this I want to cry but my eyes burn because I cry so much. Plesse no1 insult me or laugh, I've had enough guilt..it doesn't feel nice.

All I want is to end this sin, once and for all, but I don't have the internal strenght to end it. I wish I could just erase my past.. I dont know what to do... Iit makes me want to cry when I think about it.. its not easy to accept, swallow, and ignore... I CANT AND MY LIFE IS GOING TO SUCK FOREVER BECAUSE OF A STUPID CHOICE TO DATE A GIRL :'( ! !

This is the most difficult desire to get away from in my whole life..

I cn avoid music, drugs, other girls, pornography but I can't avoid the physical temptations I can have with this girl.. I feel like I'm swimming in hell, and I feel like there is no way out. I feel like my life is over.. I feel so guilty, yet I'm probably gonna commit this sin again...astaghfirullah.. I infact I felt so guilty in january... I used to listen to many songs.. But I limited it to almost nothing.. :( Im trying to respect my parents more, and try do other good things to replace this bad i do.. i cant control this one :'(

Will Allah forgive me? Is there hope? Who am I in the eyes of Allah? :'(

Somebody please addvise me on what to dom... I'm tired of pretending to everyone tht I don't do [Edited Out] with this girl when I do :'( please help...

How do i get over my past? is this normal, what i am going through? PLEASE HELP ME I AM A MUSLIM BROTHER WHO IS DYING SPIRITUALLY AND IS ON THE WAY TO HELL :'(

I try going to mosque mroe often, thoughout the last 8 months i have become much more religious, yet I cant avoid doing this with this girl!

:'(

i.. shes a good person at heart too. I just want to have her as a halaal sister in humanity friend. :( I dont want any future with her, mutah is not possible -- shes kafir, i dont wany anything.. I JUST WANT TO LIVE A GOOD MUSLIM LIFE :(

In the moment of the sins i do with her, i give in... I cant stop myself... I just.. :( :( :( :(

I dont know if this makes any sesne, but this is my biggest weakness..... when Allah looks at his servants sins, does he take into account what they can avoid and what they cant... i think i can avoid music pretty well compared to my friends...but my friends can avoid girls better than me.... ;( Also, it was all because i said yes when she asked me to date her... one stupid choice! so many ppl arent even confronted with such a choice in their teen years, because i was, and i foolishly said yes, i hve gone through so much pain....

I am going through the most important education years.. i need to do well, but I CANT WITH THIS ON MY MIND :( I WANT TO GO SLEEP AND FORGET ABOUT TODAY AND CRY.

SOMEBODY PLEASE GUIDE ME HELP ME !!!!!!!! :'( IM SORRY FOR WRITING SO MUCH DETAILS, I FAILED AT LIFE, Allah PROBABLY HATES ME RIGHT NOW TOO AND.... :'( :(

... :'(

please help... thank you Allah for giving me the oppurtunity to post this on this forum... :(

Thank you.. and bless all those who give me advice.. :(

:'(

Edited May 13, 2011 by imconfused

[mewe]

Salams dear brother;

You having the courage and thought of sharing your problems shows you are indeed keen in improving and becoming a better person. Good on ya for taking such a step and you ought to thank Allah (swt) for such a blessing. I understand what you are going through. I dont have to lecture about how small sins turn into big ones but i will let you know that U SHOULD NEVER SAY YOU CANT DO SOMETHING. YOu can repent. It is within your hand. You can avoid the girl altogether. You are capable of this. Dont let shaitan fool you once again by convincing you that you are weak and dont have emotional ability to get over someone. For first few weeks you will continue to think about her but eventually with patience and prayer, by few months you will completly get over her. When you see her, dont see her beauty but focus on your sins and hellfire- that way you are not tempted. When i see chocolate, i dont see attractive food but rather think of it as calories and I avoid it. Do same thing with the girl....

You are still young and though death doesnt wait for anyone, you need to be sincere in your repentance. numerous times you broke your promises. So THIS TIME keep it. You can do it.

Ask Allah (swt) to guide you. Praying, reading dua etc doesnt lead to magic. Just because you dont see immediate effect from prayer, dua doesnt mean that it is useless. There culd be things happening you are not aware of and these prayers, dua if sincere, surely they will lead to something positive, whether you see immediate effect or not... Ask Allah (swt) to show you a dream or somethin if you are the spirtual type.... Once I was confused about something and I asked Allah (swt) to guide me. I dreamt that i was being dragged slowly out of bed by shaiatn and i would fight and continue to pull myself backwards and shaitan drags me forwards. This would happen every night until one night I said bismallah or aoath billa man shar al shaitan al rajem and the dragging by shaitan suddently stopped... This was very meaningful dream...

Finally, remember that the 12th Imam (ajfs) is out there and he knows the issues that the youth go through. Raise your hands to the sky and ask him (as) to help you. Memorise dua faraj, ziarayt ashoura for they are powerful weapons. You can write a letter to 12th Imam and believe me, inshala your wish will come true.... I tried it and without even putting letter in ocean, my wish came true. Subhanalla al karim...

If worse comes to worse and you cant get over her despite everythin, tell your parents the story.. yeh they wil get mad but they are here to support you and help you...marrying the girl could be the option. Better than doing haram. Convert her to Islam.

Wa salam;

May Allah (swt) guide us all

Edited May 13, 2011 by mewe

[Ruq]

Gods mercy is infinite bro, this doesnt mean you can sin away expecting to be forgiven, but it doesnt seem like youre doing that, you are obviously tormented. You have a strong conscience, if you didnt this wouldnt be upsetting you so much, thank God that he is guiding you so strongly!

Sexual frustration is one of the greatest struggles for young guys like you in particular, i wont pretend that i understand because i dont think ive had to deal with such an intensity of lust as you seem to be experiencing. Im sorry to say but it looks like you may have to cut off all contact from this girl until you can gain some self control. Its just not worth the torment its putting you in and like you say, you need to concentrate on your education. It will hurt, it may be very distressing, but the hurt and distress will subside and its a better distress than the distress youre getting from this sexual interaction. The pain of disconnecting from someone we care about is something we all have to go through at some point. Try and keep yourself busy with other things. If you dont do sport already, ive heard that it helps guys with stuff like this. Maybe youre a candidate for having an early marriage, but get your studies sorted out first and then think about that.

The burden of lust is much heavier on some people than others and this seems to be your personal jihad at the moment. Its supposed to peak at about 18 for males i think, so you will have to learn how to stop letting it compromise you. The more you let yourself be stimulated the more it will reinforce your weakness, so it really is very important that you do not indulge in looking at anything or interacting with people who weaken you. Inshallah you will get a grip of the situation and less strict measures will be needed in future. Inshallah in a few months time you will look back and realise youve come through this situation and are in a better place =)

[alimohamad40]

salaam

are you joking or serious?

what do you mean by kafir girl? what kind of kufr?

if your religiously not allowed to date this girl then why dont you leave her and try with another one and do it properly by contracting temporary marriage not by fornication ?

if this one is christian or jewish or majoosi (Zorashtrian) or Sabei then you can have temporary marriage with her and you don't have to commit any of these crimes and you dont have to feel any guilt because your relationship would be legitimate.

as far as i remember some scholars say that even if she is not from ahlulkitab she can simply say the shahada and you can marry her even if she didnt mean it. (dont quote me on this but i remember this vaguely and my point is that islam has simplified everything and you are complicating everything)

maybe if you tell her that your only allowed to contract temporary marriage with christian or muslim then she will change to make things work. even if she is not a true chrisitan or muslim your marriage will be legitimate.

some scholars even allow mut3a with kafir girl

why didnt you follow them and just made a contract with her ? how hard is that? saying 4 words

your problem is non existant. your creating a problem out of nothing,,, or maybe your creating a problem out of a blessing... god has blessed you by sending a girl your way and instead of marrying her and protecting her your fornicating with her and destroying your own and her future!!!

[guest 34193]

I just want to have her as a halaal sister in humanity friend. :(

You know that's not going to happen, and trying to make it happen while resisting all the other temptations is just putting yourself through unnecessary hardship and risk. You really only have two options with this, make it halal or get it out of your life completely.

mutah is not possible

Let's start with addressing this. Why is mut`a "not possible" in your view?

[amirafatima]

I'm going to try and make my post as short and concise as possible:

1) You have already shown that you regret your actions, which means that you know you ARE in full control of them - don't tell yourself that it is not in your control.

2) All night and All day work on increasing your willpower. Fast as much as you can (not just a few days, but more), this will boost your willpower. Search online for tips on how to increase willpower and make sure you work on this.

3) I'm not sure how much your parents know/understand your situation. One sister mentioned that you must cut off contact completely, and I agree with this - you do really need to distance yourself completely from her, because she is causing you to sin... however nice she is, she's not worth it, and since you can't make it halaal, you need to cut off all contact and even looking at her. Change schools if you have to - it might sound extreme but you need to whatever you can. If your parents don't understand your situation, then you might need to take things in your own hands, because you have to avoid haraam at all costs.

I would say that if you really act on these three steps with your full heart, and remember never to underestimate the powers you have - you can do it. I assure you, you would not be put in this situation if you didn't have the strength to deal with it. Always remember what you are trying to achieve (His pleasure) and what you are trying to avoid (His wrath) and that will be your motivator to avoid sinning. Keep it in your mind at all times.

I am praying for you. I can see from your post that you really want to stop sinning, and I really hope you take the (good) advise that people are giving you and help yourself come out of this situation.

[When will you be back?]

Bismillah

Dear Brother,

Alaikum Salaam

Here's some of my humble thoughts ..

1 - (and this is probably one of the most important things) do not consider yourself a hopeless case, or one who doesn't deserve Allah's forgiveness and mercy. You should know that Allah has created every single one of his creatures with special love and care and attention and each one of us are special and distinct. Allah has placed a potential for perfection in every single human being, including you and I, and promised Jannat and eternal happiness for us .. You, like me and everyone else, have a lot of potential and powers which if nurtured will lead to human perfection inshA.

So, never think of yourself as small and pointless, NO! by far, you are an amazing brother with a lot of gifts from Allah سبحانه وتعالى.

It is Shaytan's powerful trick to lower man.. remember the moment he was asked to bow to Adam (s) he didn't like it, so he swore to take us down with him..

But remember Allah created us High, capable of knowing Him and being close to Him.

So don't listen to Shaytan who tells you that you can't do this and that and you're this and that. Rather, know that you are the best of Allah's creation and your place is in His nearness.. after passing the test in this world obviously!

2 - Sexual desires is a normal thing.. all teens have it, and everyone goes through it.. some have more desires than others. So again, you;re not different to others, you just have to learn to control it..

3 - More specifics: I think, and I STRONGLY, encourage you, to completely 100% cut of relationship with this girl. Any pictures, reminders, etc.. throw it away. Up to the point I would say that you should change school if you're going to the same school.. remember education in school is for this world, whilst your akhirat is eternal and hence more important.

If your parents oppose this, explain to them, especially if they have religious knowledge. Be honest with them, tell them you're finding it difficult to control yourself. Remember, some people find it harder to fight and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG IN RUNNING AWAY. Those people who say "Oh you should stay and fight" are very ignorant, because not everyone can fight .. Allah says in the Quran that some people will have this excuse that they were in a place of sin and they will be asked "wasn't the earth of Allah vast enough?" .. So obviously, its the most reasonable thing to do, is to move school (PS: and even move house .. Have you thought of going to Hawza in iran/iraq?) .. so change school and completely cut off relationship with this girl. Tell her goodbye on the phone, explain to her and tell her that if she really cares about you then she should leave you alone because you're destroying your life.

4 - Once you've left this girl, here's a few tips to control your desires:

dua and asking for help from Allah through the Imam (s)

Fasting

eating habits: Avoid dates, chocolates, peanuts, honey, boiled eggs, etc..

eat more yoghurt and milk

do a lot of sports

avoid any film/magazine/etc.. that will excite you

leave your pubic hair to grow (just trim slightly every 40 days), this is in hadith

wear very modest cloths.. don't wear T-shirts and jeans, rather wear trousers, long sleeves, etc.. Even in bed, don't sleep in boxers, wear full PJ

Don't spend too much time in the shower

Always think good about yourself, your the best and you've got a full life ahead of you, loads to enjoy, to learn, etc..

Go out a lot, parks, river, seaside (in winter), etc..

Find good friends .. hang out a lot with good friends, the kind that remind you of Allah(swt) and who don't talk about girls/cars and football all day

that's just a few tips

5 - I strongly advice you to get married.. there's is no doubt that you're having trouble with controlling your desires and guess what Allah has said regarding that? get married.. Your creator through His messenger did NOT say fight your desire and what not .. he said, Get Married! Enjoy the pleasure in bed, but in a halal way ..

Remember, Ay Sistani says that It's wajib to get married if you can't control your desires.. If your parents oppose to you getting married, explain to them your situation and tell them its the only way to save you from the hell fire and if they really love you they should help you.

Talk to your scholars at mosque, tell them you want to get married. They'll understand and help you. If finance is an issue, remember that Allah PROMISES to finance you if you get married so don't worry .. plus your parents and your local mosque will assist you

6- NEVER give up. again, a shaytan's trick .. if you masturbate after repenting.. the repent again .. and again.. and again .. Allah loves those who repent, so never stop. Sometimes, shaytan will say to you, "you've masturbated, your a sinner , so don't even think about going to pray, you hypocrite".. DO NOT listen to him.. if you have sinned then you run back towards Allah, that's what the lord wants from you .. its ok, everybody sins, it happens sometimes .. Remember this dua line : "Oh Allah, if I have sinned, it is not because I wanted to oppose you or arrogantly defy you.. but my ignorance and desire took me there.. so please forgive me" (inspired from Dua Abu Hamza)

oh, NEVER miss your wajib salaat .. add that to the tips above.

7 - Finally, talking of tips again .. some people say that you should train to see sins as something you don't like. For example, every time you think of this girl then associate it with something you don't like.. for example a pain you've had, or a image of a donkey, or a sound of something .. that way, every time you'll think of her, you'll get that other thought/picture/sound with it and it'll make you avoid it .. just like the person says, he/she doesn't see chocolate anymore but she sees calories...

Well, I hope all this helps.. do reply back if anything.

May Allah help you in this world, and include us all amongst His close servants.

Edited May 13, 2011 by When will you be back?

[Irishman]

You know that's not going to happen, and trying to make it happen while resisting all the other temptations is just putting yourself through unnecessary hardship and risk. You really only have two options with this, make it halal or get it out of your life completely.

Let's start with addressing this. Why is mut`a "not possible" in your view?

Its strange you are not giving this boy the same advice as the mother of the young girl, who had not to anyone's knowledge engaged in haram with any boyfriends, or even had a boyfriend. He is still talking about his school year summer break. Why tell him to ask his parents to lock him up in his room, take away his mobile phone, only allow him male Muslim friends etc...

A girl who has not been engaged in zina is to be locked up, yet not for a boy who has been engaged in zina?

Edited May 13, 2011 by Irishman

[When will you be back?]

Its strange you are not giving this boy the same advice as the mother of the young girl, who had not to anyone's knowledge engaged in haram with any boyfriends, or even had a boyfriend. He is still talking about his school year summer break. Why tell him to ask his parents to lock him up in his room, take away his mobile phone, only allow him male Muslim friends etc...

A girl who has not been engaged in zina is to be locked up, yet not for a boy who has been engaged in zina?

That's not helping at all, dear Irishman

[Irishman]

That's not helping at all, dear Irishman

Well if he stays locked up in his room, with no phone and no internet, he cant contact this girl and will forget about her?. Maybe he should go to an Islamic summer camp either?. Its better than what has been suggested so far, which is near nothing.

[Haydar Husayn]

It seems to me that muta is never possible for some reason in all these stories. If you know a girl is non-kitabi then stay away from her from the beginning since nothing good will ever come out of it.

[When will you be back?]

Well if he stays locked up in his room, with no phone and no internet, he cant contact this girl and will forget about her?. Maybe he should go to an Islamic summer camp either?. Its better than what has been suggested so far, which is near nothing.

Seclusion is not what Islam teaches and is nowhere near a praiseworthy character, right?

Closing up in one's room and cutting off from the reality of the world is not the solution. Man has still got to live in this world, dwell with the people, learn, experience and increase in his good deeds and teach his nafs the art of control .. this brings him closer to Allah (swt)

Islamic camp however is not a bad idea .. life changing they are for a lot of people, so good suggestion!

[Haydar Husayn]

Its strange you are not giving this boy the same advice as the mother of the young girl, who had not to anyone's knowledge engaged in haram with any boyfriends, or even had a boyfriend. He is still talking about his school year summer break. Why tell him to ask his parents to lock him up in his room, take away his mobile phone, only allow him male Muslim friends etc...

A girl who has not been engaged in zina is to be locked up, yet not for a boy who has been engaged in zina?

Muslim Men can marry non-Muslim women, but not the reverse.

[the Neo]

Salam,

What the fruit do u cry so much for?? You r bound to do what u do, God knows how He made you. He is aware of ur weaknesses. If u r going to depress urself so much and cry ur brains out then you just go ahead and do the mutta..

explain it to her without using the word marriage! Then just read the lines. You can then slowly try to convert her, wen u arnt bussy, ,,,,with daleel.

U seem to have a liking for the girl. Look after her then.

Its strange you are not giving this boy the same advice as the mother of the young girl, who had not to anyone's knowledge engaged in haram with any boyfriends, or even had a boyfriend. He is still talking about his school year summer break. Why tell him to ask his parents to lock him up in his room, take away his mobile phone, only allow him male Muslim friends etc...

A girl who has not been engaged in zina is to be locked up, yet not for a boy who has been engaged in zina?

Valid points.

[imconfused]

What about my past? How do I bury that? I didn't want to have such an unethical past, it just... I end up giving in :( its not fair, why do I have to have such a hard jihad, women is the most difficult to avoid :(

[the Neo]

women is the most difficult to avoid :(

You can say that again :(

[amirafatima]

What about my past? How do I bury that? I didn't want to have such an unethical past, it just... I end up giving in :( its not fair, why do I have to have such a hard jihad, women is the most difficult to avoid :(

When you have asked repentance from Allah for the past sins, then you have to let go of it. Keep it as a reminder in your heart of everything that you never ever want to go back to, but draw a thick line and tell yourself you are not the same person anymore, you have moved on and you have to show Allah that you really have changed.

As the other brother said, throw all reminders away... texts, emails, numbers, pictures, everything - build a new life for yourself. Change your room (move your bed around, change the covers to a different colour), your dress style, your hair, everything... make a fresh new start. Be really enthusiastic about it and keep a diary at night. Take one day at a time.

[Turab89]

(salam)

Can we please know who your marja' is, and if the girl is from ahlel kitab, so might have a better way of dealing with this problem jurisprudentially???

[Irishman]

Muslim Men can marry non-Muslim women, but not the reverse.

The poster in question is still a boy at school. Maybe life is very simplistic for a teenager like yourself who has not experienced the real world. Maybe this girl is ahlel kitab (christian or jew), we dont know yet. Maybe he does marry her, if she agrees. Maybe like most schoolboys he thinks condoms are something you fill you water at throw at friends. Maybe the schoolgirl wife gets pregnant. Maybe he realises he has to support a young child from his pocket money. Maybe he will realise that a schoolboy with no qualifications he cant find a decent job. Maybe his parents are not well off enough to pay for the upbringing of that child. Maybe the girl would like to go back to school after child is born and child needs to go into a nursery during the day ( not cheap usually ).

Oh, if only life and marriage were as simplistic as you make out.

Edited May 13, 2011 by Irishman

[guest022017a]

Just get married to a muslims girl, clearly you have a very string libido, and the only way to solve it, is get married to another girl, besides an untouched girl who is pure and islamic is much more enjoyable then some flouzy non believer, you will quickly fall in love with her(if you marry some muslim girl) because you will be spending time with her more then anyone else, i guaranteee you, and there are many beautiful girls who are muslim, sometimes to get over a bridge, you have to walk another path, and this is that other path, get married to a halal muslim girl, and Allah(Subhanawatala) will remove your torubles and hear aches in a split second

[guest 34193]

The poster in question is still a boy at school. Maybe life is very simplistic for a teenager like yourself who has not experienced the real world. Maybe this girl is ahlel kitab (christian or jew), we dont know yet. Maybe he does marry her, if she agrees. Maybe like most schoolboys he thinks condoms are something you fill you water at throw at friends. Maybe the schoolgirl wife gets pregnant. Maybe he realises he has to support a young child from his pocket money. Maybe he will realise that a schoolboy with no qualifications he cant find a decent job. Maybe his parents are not well off enough to pay for the upbringing of that child. Maybe the girl would like to go back to school after child is born and child needs to go into a nursery during the day ( not cheap usually ).

Oh, if only life and marriage were as simplistic as you make out.

He's at least 17 going by his post ("After I turned 17"). Not exactly a "schoolboy".

Anyway, read my post to you in the other thread. Muslim looking for Muslim advice, not a kafir looking for kafir advice (though you don't even give that, you're mainly content just to throw potshots at those who are trying to offer answers and waste all of our time. Didn't you say a while ago you'd be leaving this forum anyway? Should've known the drama queens tend to always come back...)

[Haydar Husayn]

The poster in question is still a boy at school.

Just because he is still at school, it doesn't mean he is not a man. I don't believe in artifical age limits to decide who is a boy and who is a man.

Maybe life is very simplistic for a teenager like yourself who has not experienced the real world.

What makes you think I am a teenager? I wish I was still a teenager.

Maybe this girl is ahlel kitab (christian or jew), we dont know yet. Maybe he does marry her, if she agrees.

If she is, then he should have done a muta (temporary marriage) with her.

Maybe like most schoolboys he thinks condoms are something you fill you water at throw at friends. Maybe the schoolgirl wife gets pregnant. Maybe he realises he has to support a young child from his pocket money. Maybe he will realise that a schoolboy with no qualifications he cant find a decent job. Maybe his parents are not well off enough to pay for the upbringing of that child. Maybe the girl would like to go back to school after child is born and child needs to go into a nursery during the day ( not cheap usually ).

Oh, if only life and marriage were as simplistic as you make out.

I doubt any person who goes to school in the West doesn't know what a condom is or how to use one. Anyway, it sounds like he is gettting closer and closer to having sex with her anyway, and so the potential problem of having a baby could arise anyway.

For the rest, I was talking about temporary marriage, not permanent. It is not advisable for Muslim Shias to have permanent marriages with not Shias, let alone non-Muslims (although I'm not saying it is necessarily forbidden).

[Irishman]

For the rest, I was talking about temporary marriage, not permanent. It is not advisable for Muslim Shias to have permanent marriages with not Shias, let alone non-Muslims (although I'm not saying it is necessarily forbidden).

He would still be financially responsible for a child, whether the marriage is temporary marriage or permanent one. Even after the temporary marriage ended.

As for the "I doubt any person who goes to school in the West doesn't know what a condom is or how to use one"

Odd statement since the birth rate among teenage girls is so high in many countries in the West, where condoms are so easily available then.

Edited May 13, 2011 by Irishman

[Haydar Husayn]

He would still be financially responsible for a child, whether the marriage is temporary marriage or permanent one. Even after the temporary marriage ended.

And how is the situation any better if he sleeps with her without any kind of marriage, and she ends up pregnant anyway?

As for the "I doubt any person who goes to school in the West doesn't know what a condom is or how to use one"

Odd statement since the birth rate among teenage girls is so high in many countries in the West, where condoms are so easily available then.

That doesn't mean they don't know how to use a condom. Most likely they just didn't have one available, and had sex anyway, or thought they could take a morning-after pill.

“The easy availability of the morning-after pill is part of a mix that is lulling young people in particular into a false sense of security and encouraging a more casual attitude to sex.”

Teenagers 'should stockpile morning after pill'

[imconfused]

(salam)

Can we please know who your marja' is, and if the girl is from ahlel kitab, so might have a better way of dealing with this problem jurisprudentially???

This reply is to everyone who's posted about my taqleed..

I follow ayatullah sistani because I believe he is the most knowledagly from what I have researched and I also know his rulings of mutah are only allowed, if the girl is ahle kitab... unfortunately, this girl is not jewish or christian or muslim, therefore this is not permissible..

I do not intend to change my marja, just for the sake of this girl, because once I have completed the mutah or, whatever you may call it, I will naturally change back to ayatullah sistani --- and I believe this is not 'allowed'.. or like, you can't just jump around different marjas just to satisfy your wants and needs.. I stick with ayatullah sistani..

I know I should have thought about this problem before getting anywhere with this girl, but please understand I.. I didnt know it would be this serious... I was decieved by how good and attractive it loooked... :/

Will I be able to be of the good ranks of Allah... I feel that this has made such a mark, that is like... it's always there in the eyes of Allah, even if I ask for forgiveness... someone who has commited what I have, compared to someone who hasnt... someone who has is like, on the ground in comparison :(

I will try cutting off 100% communication again..., please pray for me that I don't give in, it is.. really...hard. It's the only advice infront of me.

Even if there was a way of mutah.. I don't think its right just to satisfy my sexual desires and all, because in the future I am gonna get a real like long term wife, and i don't think shell appreciate my past so much... or it would sting her a little..

Furthermore, I am not like this :( this is just one aspect of me... that I fail at..

Lastly.... how bad is the sins I have commited? :( I swear it's the most unethical thing ever...... and my parents don't even know... and I'm in my, madressa i'm known to be a 'good boy' :( It sucks when you know who you are and what you really do... It's ...

and who do I have to tell in the future? :(

Please and thank you for the replies..

and bless all those who have contributed to this forum... it's made me calmer and given me hope ... I want to be happy, I want to move on instead of dwell in today's mistake... Can I be happy? I'm sad sometimes for so long I feel that my mouth will stay like this forever :( Life sucks, regardless of how satisfying those small moments of haraam are, the long term depression kinda of feeling just... kills it! :(

[Irishman]

And how is the situation any better if he sleeps with her without any kind of marriage, and she ends up pregnant anyway?

Maybe situation better if he does not see her again.

That doesn't mean they don't know how to use a condom. Most likely they just didn't have one available, and had sex anyway,

:lol:

or thought they could take a morning-after pill.

Which will make a girl very ill normally. Its not like eating a sweet. It also contain massive high doses of hormones. Not good for a young teenage body.

Teenagers 'should stockpile morning after pill'

What great advice from the Nazi Telegraph.

[Haydar Husayn]

Maybe situation better if he does not see her again.

I agree.

:lol:

Why is that funny? Not everyone carries a condom around with them everywhere, and can easily get caught out.

Which will make a girl very ill normally. Its not like eating a sweet. It also contain massive high doses of hormones. Not good for a young teenage body.

Right, so you don't believe that teenagers know about condoms, but think they know all the side-effects of morning-after pills. :wacko:

What great advice from the Nazi Telegraph.

This isn't there advice, obviously. They are reporting what the government's public health body has said. Don't you think that when the government gives such advice, it encourages teenagers to treat morning-after pills as 'sweets'? They also encourage teenagers to carry condoms around with them, which obviously employs they aren't all doing it at the moment.

[When will you be back?]

What about my past? How do I bury that? I didn't want to have such an unethical past, it just... I end up giving in :( its not fair, why do I have to have such a hard jihad, women is the most difficult to avoid :(

Dear Brother,

Just to give you some hope, check what your Lord says here:

{Except for those who repent, believe, and act rightly: Allah will transform the wrong actions of such people into good – Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Most Merciful. For certainly all who repent and act rightly have turned sincerely toward Allah.} (Al-Furqan 25: 70-1)

So know that if you have repented sincerly, then not only are your sins removed, but actually every time you committed the sin Allah (swt) will count it as if you were chaste and did a good deed by protecting your and the girls dignity.. evil deeds are turned into good ones by the Merciful One.. and What a Merciful Lord do we have!

Subhanallah!

[imconfused]

Thanks for the replies... ill individually thank everyone whenever i can...

But marriage and conversion are not an option... please dont take these two options any further, rationnaly they arent and i would like advice on how to help my current situation rather than planning or worrying about the future..

[the Neo]

You have an exceptional expression and clarity of thought, for a 17 year old..

[imconfused]

You have an exceptional expression and clarity of thought, for a 17 year old..

What does this mean?

Edited May 14, 2011 by imconfused

[Psychopath]

I hugged her to the extent that I ejaculated.

[imconfused]

:/

[alimohamad40]

salaam

you can't just jump around different marjas just to satisfy your wants and needs.. I stick with ayatullah sistani.

to satisfy your wants then NO

but to satisfy your needs then YES because a marja3 represents gods law and gods law in no way would deprive you from your need.

Do you know what priority means? you must have priorities. one sin is bigger than another...

now your saying you dont want to jump from scholar to another. But sistani himself says something about mut3a with kafir girl which I vaguely remember and another poster has just mentioned to you about her needing to recite shahadatayn (not convert but just recite) and would make it acceptable to contract mut3a.

why do you dismiss it and dont investigate this option?

[Nimra]

Mu'adh ibn Jabal was in tears when he arrived in the presence of the Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) and greeted him. The Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) replied to his greeting and asked: "What makes you cry?"

"At the door of the mosque, there is a good-looking youth who weeps as intensely as a mother whose young son has died, and he wishes to meet you," replied Mu'adh ibn Jabal

The Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) agreed to meet him.

The youth entered and greeted the Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) who returned his greeting and enquired: "Why do you weep?"

"Why should I not weep? I have committed sins which Allah (SWT) will never forgive and He is bound to hurl me into Hell," said the youth.

"Have you associated someone with Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì?"

"No."

"Have you killed anybody?"

"No."

"Even if your sins are of the magnitude of mountains, Allah (SWT) shall forgive them," said the Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw).

"My sins are greater than the mountains," the youth explained.

"Are your sins in the magnitude of the seven earths, the seas, the sands, the trees, all that lies on the earth, in the skies, the stars, the Throne and the Chair?" asked the Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw).

"My sins are greater than all of these things."

"Woe unto you! Are your sins greater than your Lord?"

The youth lowered his head and replied, "Allah (SWT) is devoid of all blemishes; it is my Lord, who is greater."

"Would you not relate one of your sins to me?" enquired the Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw).

"Why not?" responded the youth, whose name was Buhlul. "For seven years I used to dig up the graves of the newly buried, take out their shrouds and sell them. One night, a maiden from amongst the Ansar (The Helpers) died and was buried in the cemetery. When I dug open her grave to remove the shroud from her body, the Shaitan (Satan) tempted me and I committed a grave sin. As I was turning back, the body called out to me: "O' Youth! Don't you fear the Ruler of the Day of Judgment? Woe unto you of the fire of the Day of Judgment!"

Having narrated this, the youth wanted to know what he should do to avoid punishment.

Buhlul, the Gravedigger: Seeking Forgiveness (Al-Istighfaar, Istighfar)"O' Sinner! Stay away from me for I fear that I might burn in your fire too!" cried out the Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw).

The youth, Buhlul left, heading straight towards the mountains. He tied his hands to his neck and became engrossed in worship, supplications and seeking forgiveness.

For forty days, he wept day and night to the extent that even the wild beasts were affected by his weeping. After forty days he asked Allah (SWT) to either punish him by means of fire or forgive him, so that he might not have to face humiliation on the Day of Judgment.

Allah (SWT) revealed the following verse, which refers to the forgiveness of Buhlul: "And those who, when they commit an indecency or do injustices to their souls, remember Allah and ask forgiveness for their faults and who forgives the faults but Allah..." Noble Qur'an (3:135)

The Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) recited this verse with a smiling face and then asked: "Who can take me to that youth?"

Mu'adh ibn Jabal agreed to take him. Accompanied with Mu'adh ibn Jabal, the Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) went to the place where the youth was. The Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) saw him standing between two boulders, hands tied to his neck and engaged in supplication. His face had become dark due to the scorching sun and all his eyelashes had fallen off due to the intense weeping. Wild beasts had gathered around him while the birds circled over his head, all of them weeping over his distressed and pitiable state.

The Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) advanced towards him, untied his hands and cleared the soil from the top of his head.

"O' Buhlul! Glad tidings for you; you have been liberated by Allah (SWT) from the fire (of Hell)," the Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) said.

Then, turning to his companion (Sahaba), Mu'adh ibn Jabal the Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) said, "This is how you should make amends for your sins."