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evolving786

Rebelious Teenager

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Salaams,

I wonder if anyone can give me advice, especially the youth out there. I have a 14 year old daughter who is becoming increasingly rebellious against my husband and I. We live in England in an affluent area where there are relatively few Muslims. My husband and I are both brought up in England and are well educated, practising Muslims. My daughter has been attending madressa weekly since the age of 4 years.

She refuses to wear the hijab, so I do not force her. She goes to a mixed school. All her friends there are non-Muslims. She always wants to go to their homes, which I let her in the past.. I let her go to our local shopping centre with her girl friends, and she was spotted by a friend of mine socialising in a cafe with a group of girls and boys.

Although, I know we should be gentle and calm with our children, I felt let down by her as I trusted her. She says she does not have a boyfriend but i am unsure. She is often rude and says she does not necessarily believe in all that we believe in. I have tried to bring her up as a good Muslim, regularly attending religious gatherings but now she does not want to say her salaat anymore. Please give me some advice.

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1. Don't force her into anything, otherwise her heart will be even more averse. Rather, try a different way ... Find out what she's interested in and then, if it relates, mix it within the religion and give the Shia perspective on it. Bring her towards the path of Ahlul Bayt through incentives and, most importantly, imam baqir (as) said "be silent preachers", as in, lead by example.

2. The Prophet and Imams have warned us to pick our friends carefully since they're able to influence you and influence your thoughts. So, maybe try to find her new friends that have a good influence on her.

3. One word. Hormones. Your daughter is only 14 and Her rebellion may even get worse. Best thing to do is to have a 1-to-1 with her, understand her feelings and come to a mutual understanding.

4. She may have gone to Madressa since an early age, but it really doesn't make a difference. There are still kids within the class who don't wish to learn. You daughter could be one of them. Even if she leaves this religion, It doesn't matter, its her choice. But if she makes the right choices in life and if its destined for her, she will be guided again.

5. Don't Forget about Genes. Her traits come from You and Your husband.

Edited by Layla40

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the best way to do it is by putting her to understanding and if possible get for lectures in english by shia schoolars.you'd find alot on youtube.she'd most likely be attracted to (shia) islam because of its rationality when she hears the lectures.

i believe her non-muslim peers are the ones influencing her mind.definitely those non-muslims would find it funny to practice islam.she cannot convince them to becoming muslims but its easier to join the un-islamic path.

you should try changing her school to an islamic one.if you are afraid of losing her,then change the location where you are living.go to a predominantly muslim area where her friends would be muslims most of them.

also,start searching for a husband for her.make sure you get her married to a young practicing muslim who understands islam and can control and convince her.she has already started talking about boy friend and she's only 14.God have mercy what would happen to her when she's 18.so make sure you get her married as early as possible-maybe at 16 even if she's still at school.it all depends on how willing you're to spend money to help her and her spouse because most muslim youths/males dont get married early because of financial difficulties.

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Guest Jebreil

Salaams,

I wonder if anyone can give me advice, especially the youth out there. I have a 14 year old daughter who is becoming increasingly rebellious against my husband and I. We live in England in an affluent area where there are relatively few Muslims. My husband and I are both brought up in England and are well educated, practising Muslims. My daughter has been attending madressa weekly since the age of 4 years.

She refuses to wear the hijab, so I do not force her. She goes to a mixed school. All her friends there are non-Muslims. She always wants to go to their homes, which I let her in the past.. I let her go to our local shopping centre with her girl friends, and she was spotted by a friend of mine socialising in a cafe with a group of girls and boys.

Although, I know we should be gentle and calm with our children, I felt let down by her as I trusted her. She says she does not have a boyfriend but i am unsure. She is often rude and says she does not necessarily believe in all that we believe in. I have tried to bring her up as a good Muslim, regularly attending religious gatherings but now she does not want to say her salaat anymore. Please give me some advice.

(bismillah)

(salam)

Humans ask the most important questions in last few teenage years - 17, 18, 19 - and they begin to appreciate it more in their early 20s. As long as she is not doing anything mightily sinful, perhaps being gentle and caring is the best way.

This day and age, in England, it is not as simple as it is in Iran or Iraq or as 8th century Arabia. There is social pressure against religion, God, Islam and modesty, which did not exist back then. The way to break it is to show how humorous and idiotic society is today - not propaganda or preaching.

The girl who spends her evenings in nightclubs - perhaps show the humorous side, ridicule it, without preaching - maybe show its comic side. Make her sense the stupidity of an undisciplined lifestyle.

(wasalam)

Edited by Jebreil

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the best way to do it is by putting her to understanding and if possible get for lectures in english by shia schoolars.you'd find alot on youtube.she'd most likely be attracted to (shia) islam because of its rationality when she hears the lectures.

i believe her non-muslim peers are the ones influencing her mind.definitely those non-muslims would find it funny to practice islam.she cannot convince them to becoming muslims but its easier to join the un-islamic path.

you should try changing her school to an islamic one.if you are afraid of losing her,then change the location where you are living.go to a predominantly muslim area where her friends would be muslims most of them.

also,start searching for a husband for her.make sure you get her married to a young practicing muslim who understands islam and can control and convince her.she has already started talking about boy friend and she's only 14.God have mercy what would happen to her when she's 18.so make sure you get her married as early as possible-maybe at 16 even if she's still at school.it all depends on how willing you're to spend money to help her and her spouse because most muslim youths/males dont get married early because of financial difficulties.

If the OP does not want her Rebelious Teenager to become a Missing Teenager. Then its best to ignore the advice in the the quoted post. Talking to her will be your best way of finding out why she rebelling, but you cant force religion on her. You can educate someone about religion, but it has to be their choice in the end, unlike what Medi Soldier would have you believe.

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If the OP does not want her Rebelious Teenager to become a Missing Teenager. Then its best to ignore the advice in the the quoted post. Talking to her will be your best way of finding out why she rebelling, but you cant force religion on her. You can educate someone about religion, but it has to be their choice in the end, unlike what Medi Soldier would have you believe.

did i say "force her"?

i made my points clear that she should be educated and presented with attractive english lectures by great shia scholars found on youtube.

dont try to mix my words if your head is turned upside down.

when i suggested marriage,it is because the girl has started asking her mom about having a boyfriend.a muslim girl does/should/must not have a "boyfriend".so if the girl is either longing for companionship or sex,then it is the parents' responsibility to find her someone compatible and let them get married.in that way the husband can control the wife because he provides companionship and sex and that will prevent the girl from looking into the wrong direction.i dont see any reason a girl would look outside if the husband is good looking,loving and caring and giving her good sex and if she is not having financial difficulties.find her a good husband and thats it.even getting her a good husband would still require the girl's consent and that can be achieved by talking.the mom can tell her that she asked for a boyfriend-so there is someone who is a good "boyfriend" that wants to marry her.ask her if sshe likes him.if she says yes,then great.if not,then get another.

maybe you'd suggest the mom get her a boyfriend who would sleep with her and after 6 months dump her and then get another boyfriend and the cycle continues?!!!

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did i say "force her"?

I did not say you said "force her". I was saying in general in that part, you cant force religion on people, educate them and let them choose is all a parent or person can do.

i made my points clear that she should be educated and presented with attractive english lectures by great shia scholars found on youtube.

So did I

dont try to mix my words if your head is turned upside down.

Likewise!!

when i suggested marriage,it is because the girl has started asking her mom about having a boyfriend.a muslim girl does/should/must not have a "boyfriend".so if the girl is either longing for companionship or sex,then it is the parents' responsibility to find her someone compatible and let them get married.in that way the husband can control the wife because he provides companionship and sex and that will prevent the girl from looking into the wrong direction.i dont see any reason a girl would look outside if the husband is good looking,loving and caring and giving her good sex and if she is not having financial difficulties.find her a good husband and thats it.even getting her a good husband would still require the girl's consent and that can be achieved by talking.the mom can tell her that she asked for a boyfriend-so there is someone who is a good "boyfriend" that wants to marry her.ask her if sshe likes him.if she says yes,then great.if not,then get another.

The girl has said to her mother she does not have a boyfriend, probably as the result of a question. OP did not say 'girl was asking her mother about having a boyfriend'. Dont mix her words!!

maybe you'd suggest the mom get her a boyfriend who would sleep with her and after 6 months dump her and then get another boyfriend and the cycle continues?!!!

Maybe the Mom just teaches her daughter about Shia Islam and let her daughter decide if she wants to follow that religion. Rather than marry her off to a man at 16 who can 'control' her!!

Not following Islam does not imply she will have boyfriends that she sleeps with for 6 months and then moves onto next one. Your usual drivel!!

Edited by Irishman

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Salaams,

I wonder if anyone can give me advice, especially the youth out there.

The youths can be the worst ones to ask advice from.

She refuses to wear the hijab, so I do not force her.

I think I see your problem here. It sounds like you've decided you want her to make her own choices, not pressure her and such, and are now facing the consequences of this more liberal approach. Children should not have choices in these matters, there is no "maybe" when it comes to obeying the laws of Allah. Things like what they want to be when they grow up in terms of a profession, sure, that you can allow some room for them in. But whether to obey the laws set down in the religion is not a matter for discussion.

The hijab is an important issue, but only I think the tip of it. You mentioned she doesn't want to do her salat, did you allow that to be an option as well? It might be a bit late now, though better later than never, but the only hope I can see here is if you start doing what a parent ought to do and force her to obey the laws. Wake her up for fajr in the morning. Interrogate her about whether she performed her zhuhr and `asr. Make sure she does her maghrib and `isha. Thrown away her music if you've allowed that. Restrict her leaving the house and take away internet access. If she has a cell phone, get rid of it. (We didn't have these things when we were growing up and we made it by just fine) And there's no "choice" when it comes to wearing the hijab. If she doesn't like it, too bad. Kids don't like eating their vegetables too a lot of the time, doesn't mean we allow them to have cake for supper.

Although, I know we should be gentle and calm with our children, I felt let down by her as I trusted her.

You should be calm and strict, severe when needed. You (and it's important to mention, her father) are _parents_, you are not her friend. And you shouldn't trust children to always be making the right decisions, especially when they are being surrounded by temptations to do otherwise. You might worry you'll turn her away by being too strict on her, but look at where your current approach has left her, how much worse can it get? Actually, left like this, I can almost guarantee you that you will be dealing with much, much worse down the line, and unless she has some dramatic conversion experience you would probably lose her. She'd likely start experimenting with alcohol, start dating, fornicating, and forget about basic Islamic observances. She would be a Muslim in name only, if that even. So if you don't want that, and I'm sure you don't, then it's time to lay your foot down and be a parent.

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Sorry to hear about your situation,...i wouldn't put blame on her "muslim" friends..trust in the love & education that you've given her so far. Continue to be her mother, her role model. She is just trying to find her place, find herself in the world. Keep informing her regarding your religion, but if you push she will more than likely will push back. Forget about this "marriage" suggestion she is a child and is still maturing. She does not need to be CONTROLED she needs GUIDANCE...........

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Teens want to belong and be accepted with their peers. This can lead to problems for a young teen girl, as they can be lured into sexual situations due to their immaturity and naivety. It is not until we get burned that we question leaping into unknown situations.

Controlling her, marrying her off at 16 or embedding her in a Muslim only community is not going to fix anything. Probably the opposite will be achieved.

Kids learn mostly by following the modeling (not the words) of the parents.

If the OP wants her to be mixing more with Muslim friends than the OP needs to nurture relationships with Muslim friends and famlies so that her daughter has plenty of opportunity to experience her culture within her religion. Healthy Muslim friendships in a protected setting, overseen by her family will eventually become more attractive than the often very harsh world of the teen outside of your boundaries.

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Jazak Allah for all your answers

. I know they provoked a bit of banter but I know the advice was sincere. Alhamdulillah, she has not done anything sinful, except refusing to wear hijab and shouting at parents, but I am afraid for her future. I feel forcing hijab on her is the wrong approach, they will only take it off the moment you are not there. I think a silent example is the best approach and dua. It is not possible to move house due to my husband's job.Do you think these problems are less in an area where there are more Muslims present.? My daughter is very sociable so I feel it's more about peer pressure and fitting in rather than a genuine desire to have a boyfriend. She is an intelligent girl and needs our duas. I wish there were some more activities out there for our youngsters to socialise together, rather than just at the mosque or family /friends gatherings. Has anyone got suggestions on that front?

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I have seen some teenage Muslims who have changed a lot when they are in an inspiring Islamic environment. Being around Muslims isn't enough, it has to be inspiring Muslims and an engaging situation. People change when they start to think about things.

Try sending her to an Islamic camp or holiday this summer. There is this but I am not sure if they still have places.

If she refuses to go then you could go somewhere as a family e.g. ziarat or http://www.tawheedcamp.org/ (not the most Islamic video advert :unsure: )

Edited by Muhammed Ali

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The girl has said to her mother she does not have a boyfriend, probably as the result of a question. OP did not say 'girl was asking her mother about having a boyfriend'. Dont mix her words!!

the point is the mom is unsure.true i did not realize her statement may have being prompted by a question from her mother.but the risk is still there as the mother mentioned.

Maybe the Mom just teaches her daughter about Shia Islam and let her daughter decide if she wants to follow that religion. Rather than marry her off to a man at 16 who can 'control' her!!

Not following Islam does not imply she will have boyfriends that she sleeps with for 6 months and then moves onto next one. Your usual drivel!!

i really dont know if you're as dumb as you try to be on shiachat.

did i say that she should be given a husband so that he can force her to believe?

having a husband would make her not to look for companionship or sex elsewhere.i made that point of "control" clear.i dont know how you concluded the husband would force her to believe.

not following islam has nothing to do with how she decides to live her life.giving her a husband is meant to prevent her from committing immoral acts and not to force her to believe.i really dont understand how you tied marriage to forcing her to believe.

its really shocking how a westerner sees nothing wrong with their 12,13,and 14 years old girls losing their virginity that early but always object to marriage even at 16!

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the point is the mom is unsure.true i did not realize her statement may have being prompted by a question from her mother.but the risk is still there as the mother mentioned.

Yeah, you seem to lack reading skills, which you have again demonstrated below.

i really dont know if you're as dumb as you try to be on shiachat.

did i say that she should be given a husband so that he can force her to believe?

having a husband would make her not to look for companionship or sex elsewhere.i made that point of "control" clear.i dont know how you concluded the husband would force her to believe.

not following islam has nothing to do with how she decides to live her life.giving her a husband is meant to prevent her from committing immoral acts and not to force her to believe.i really dont understand how you tied marriage to forcing her to believe.

Where did I say that?. As opposed to "Rather than marry her off to a man at 16 who can 'control' her!!" which is what you said. I did not mention 'force her to believe'. Stop spreading lies and making up false statements of what people have written, or I will be report you for it.

its really shocking how a westerner sees nothing wrong with their 12,13,and 14 years old girls losing their virginity that early but always object to marriage even at 16!

Where did I say "I see nothing wrong nothing wrong with their 12,13,and 14 years old girls losing their virginity"

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hi im a teenager and i thought i could help

well some muslim girls in my year who go out with other girls nd boys are normally the once which thier parents dont trust them at all. but they still go out doing wrong things. but like me and my friends our parents trust us that we wont do anything wrong.nd most of the time girls say dont wont to break thier parents trust. so i think you should just explain to your daughter that you trust her and how much you would be upset if she would be doing wrong. like make her feel sorry for you kind of thing. theres no need for english lectures nd stuff like that. i know im a teenager. just remind here of your what she should be doing. oh and one more thing teenagers can be much cleverer then we look =]. so make sure you know wt going on at all times. hope i helped

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hi im a teenager and i thought i could help

well some muslim girls in my year who go out with other girls nd boys are normally the once which thier parents dont trust them at all. but they still go out doing wrong things. but like me and my friends our parents trust us that we wont do anything wrong.nd most of the time girls say dont wont to break thier parents trust. so i think you should just explain to your daughter that you trust her and how much you would be upset if she would be doing wrong. like make her feel sorry for you kind of thing. theres no need for english lectures nd stuff like that. i know im a teenager. just remind here of your what she should be doing. oh and one more thing teenagers can be much cleverer then we look =]. so make sure you know wt going on at all times. hope i helped

Thank you, sound advice. It is her friends around her that I don't trust.

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Guest Mushu

As someone in my late teens, ill tell you what i think :)

Personally, i went a bit astray during my mid teens. I had resons why - which i dont want to go ino here, but would be happy to in a private conversation.

Anyways, similarly to your situation, my parents became aware of how far astray id gone. Id say they left it just a little late, but they still caught me just in the nick of time.

BTW, im also in England, from a non-muslim area.

Anyways, the best thing my parents did was really clamp down on me. They banned me from going out, using a mobile, most freedoms really lol.

Obviously, i didnt appreciate it at the time, but now i can honestly say im so grateful that my parents did that. I really am indebted to them.

However, i dont think anything as drastic needs to be done in your case. Your daughter is still young, and hasnt gone as far as i did.

HOWEVER, you need to stop this before its too late. Things WILL get alot worse if she gets older and youve left this unresolved.

Its intricate, as hanging in a mixed crowd might have been innocent. For all you know, she might have been dragged along, unaware that there would be boys. The issue is, as you probably know, this has the potential to turn out alot worse simply because she is a girl. A muslim girls reputation is everything.

My advice: my parents often say how they wish theyd brought us up in a different area, however, i know thats an unreasonable suggestion to make. My best advice, based on my own experiences is the following:

1) if you can, move her to a girls school.

2) moniter her friends. Bad friends are the absolute cause for any child that goes astray. Now, id say more caution is needed with her madrassah friends, rather than her english friends. Nothing is worse than a bad muslim friend, because then you think its 'normal'. When its an english friend, you always think 'yeahh, but theyre different to me' - you dont have that with muslim friends. However, english friends also need monitering, because after time, what they do becomes normal aswell.

Trust me, i think something drastic needs to be done before its too late. You WONT alienate a 14 year old. Shell grow up, forget, and even be grateful.

However, if you leave til 18, id say the chances are that you may have left it too late.

Hope i helped, dont hesitate to contact me for more suggestions or clarification! :)

InshAllah will help you through this difficult period in your childrens lives! :)

InshAllah khair :)

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As someone in my late teens, ill tell you what i think :)

Personally, i went a bit astray during my mid teens. I had resons why - which i dont want to go ino here, but would be happy to in a private conversation.

Anyways, similarly to your situation, my parents became aware of how far astray id gone. Id say they left it just a little late, but they still caught me just in the nick of time.

BTW, im also in England, from a non-muslim area.

Anyways, the best thing my parents did was really clamp down on me. They banned me from going out, using a mobile, most freedoms really lol.

Obviously, i didnt appreciate it at the time, but now i can honestly say im so grateful that my parents did that. I really am indebted to them.

However, i dont think anything as drastic needs to be done in your case. Your daughter is still young, and hasnt gone as far as i did.

HOWEVER, you need to stop this before its too late. Things WILL get alot worse if she gets older and youve left this unresolved.

Its intricate, as hanging in a mixed crowd might have been innocent. For all you know, she might have been dragged along, unaware that there would be boys. The issue is, as you probably know, this has the potential to turn out alot worse simply because she is a girl. A muslim girls reputation is everything.

My advice: my parents often say how they wish theyd brought us up in a different area, however, i know thats an unreasonable suggestion to make. My best advice, based on my own experiences is the following:

1) if you can, move her to a girls school.

2) moniter her friends. Bad friends are the absolute cause for any child that goes astray. Now, id say more caution is needed with her madrassah friends, rather than her english friends. Nothing is worse than a bad muslim friend, because then you think its 'normal'. When its an english friend, you always think 'yeahh, but theyre different to me' - you dont have that with muslim friends. However, english friends also need monitering, because after time, what they do becomes normal aswell.

Trust me, i think something drastic needs to be done before its too late. You WONT alienate a 14 year old. Shell grow up, forget, and even be grateful.

However, if you leave til 18, id say the chances are that you may have left it too late.

Hope i helped, dont hesitate to contact me for more suggestions or clarification! :)

InshAllah will help you through this difficult period in your childrens lives! :)

InshAllah khair :)

Salaams,

Thank you, that has given me hope. We have basically denied her going out to friends house or any other activity.I went to an all girls school and I think it can be worse there. We, as a community, are always being segregate:, at the mosque, weddings, etc so I think it is not such a bad thing to send her to a mixed school. I have to restrict time with her friends whenever I can.

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Salaams,

I wonder if anyone can give me advice, especially the youth out there. I have a 14 year old daughter who is becoming increasingly rebellious against my husband and I. We live in England in an affluent area where there are relatively few Muslims. My husband and I are both brought up in England and are well educated, practising Muslims. My daughter has been attending madressa weekly since the age of 4 years.

She refuses to wear the hijab, so I do not force her. She goes to a mixed school. All her friends there are non-Muslims. She always wants to go to their homes, which I let her in the past.. I let her go to our local shopping centre with her girl friends, and she was spotted by a friend of mine socialising in a cafe with a group of girls and boys.

Although, I know we should be gentle and calm with our children, I felt let down by her as I trusted her. She says she does not have a boyfriend but i am unsure. She is often rude and says she does not necessarily believe in all that we believe in. I have tried to bring her up as a good Muslim, regularly attending religious gatherings but now she does not want to say her salaat anymore. Please give me some advice.

I am not a parent, but i am a westerner. Teenagers will be teenagers. Rebellion is just what everyone does at some stage in their life. Though its not necissarily a bad thing. For me, it was how i learned more things about life. I would recommend teaching your daughter about responsibility. Teach her about things like safe sex. If she is around men, you should probably try to meet these men, and if theyre bad news, you can tell her why u think that. If theyre responsible young men, then you wont have to worry as much. Also, being around men doesnt necissarily mean she is in a relationship with them. I personally have many female friends who are just friends, just like any brother, or like a sister to me. So yes, just make sure your daughter is being responsible, make sure she is safe, and make sure she isnt hanging out with any abusive of psychopathic men.

just my 2 cents.

and if your daughter is being responsible, and she is around responsible men. and they understand how hard life can be if they make certain mistakes...then your daughter will be ok, as the rest of us young westerners are.

Edited by iSilurian

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Salaams,

I wonder if anyone can give me advice, especially the youth out there. I have a 14 year old daughter who is becoming increasingly rebellious against my husband and I. We live in England in an affluent area where there are relatively few Muslims. My husband and I are both brought up in England and are well educated, practising Muslims. My daughter has been attending madressa weekly since the age of 4 years.

She refuses to wear the hijab, so I do not force her. She goes to a mixed school. All her friends there are non-Muslims. She always wants to go to their homes, which I let her in the past.. I let her go to our local shopping centre with her girl friends, and she was spotted by a friend of mine socialising in a cafe with a group of girls and boys.

Although, I know we should be gentle and calm with our children, I felt let down by her as I trusted her. She says she does not have a boyfriend but i am unsure. She is often rude and says she does not necessarily believe in all that we believe in. I have tried to bring her up as a good Muslim, regularly attending religious gatherings but now she does not want to say her salaat anymore. Please give me some advice.

I raised three with mixed results meaning my first was a real learning experience. What you have to do is when she gets home from school tie her to a chair with her school books to do home work, while still tied up let her watch a little that you censor. After that put her to bed. Her bedroom windows should have bars on them and a motion sensor outside.:shaytan:

No I am joking. It is a teenager's job to find his or her boundaries and stretch them. They do want boundaries, a kid without strong sensible boundaries when grown up will say "my parents didn't care what I did" which means "they didn't care about me."

My advice is sit down with your husband and agree with the boundaries, then bring your daughter into the conversation and set the boundaries, be firm on what they are but expect her to test them and allow her to stretch them as she matures.

I am not a professional just experienced.

"All her friends there are non-Muslims"

You live in England and she is an English girl and you feel let down because she did something that is absolutely normal for an English kid. I don't think she let you down as much as you set an unrealistic boundary. If you want to raise her in the customs of a Muslim society and not get her mind in a twist perhaps she should be educated abroad. When she is finished uni she can come home and make her own decisions as a mature adult.

the best way to do it is by putting her to understanding and if possible get for lectures in english by shia schoolars.you'd find alot on youtube.she'd most likely be attracted to (shia) islam because of its rationality when she hears the lectures.

i believe her non-muslim peers are the ones influencing her mind.definitely those non-muslims would find it funny to practice islam.she cannot convince them to becoming muslims but its easier to join the un-islamic path.

you should try changing her school to an islamic one.if you are afraid of losing her,then change the location where you are living.go to a predominantly muslim area where her friends would be muslims most of them.

also,start searching for a husband for her.make sure you get her married to a young practicing muslim who understands islam and can control and convince her.she has already started talking about boy friend and she's only 14.God have mercy what would happen to her when she's 18.so make sure you get her married as early as possible-maybe at 16 even if she's still at school.it all depends on how willing you're to spend money to help her and her spouse because most muslim youths/males dont get married early because of financial difficulties.

Are you insane, my God I hope you aren't a parent, They live in 21st century England not the hinterlands of Afghanistan or Pakistan. You want to carry on that same domination of women that does nothing but harm them. I sure hope they ignore you!

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The youths can be the worst ones to ask advice from.

I think I see your problem here.No you don't you have jumped to a conclusion, she has said nothing about letting the kid make her own choices! It sounds like you've decided you want her to make her own choices, not pressure her and such, and are now facing the consequences of this more liberal approach. Children should not have choices in these matters, there is no "maybe" when it comes to obeying the laws of Allah. Things like what they want to be when they grow up in terms of a profession, sure, that you can allow some room for them :huh: in. But whether to obey the laws set down in the religion is not a matter for discussion.

The hijab is an important issue, but only I think the tip of it. You mentioned she doesn't want to do her salat, did you allow that to be an option as well? It might be a bit late now, though better later than never, but the only hope I can see here is if you start doing what a parent ought to do and force her to obey the laws. Wake her up for fajr in the morning. Interrogate :sick: her about whether she performed her zhuhr and `asr. Make sure she does her maghrib and `isha. Thrown away her music if you've allowed that. Restrict her leaving the house and take away internet access. If she has a cell phone, get rid of it. (We didn't have these things when we were growing up and we made it by just fine) And there's no "choice" when it comes to wearing the hijab.:no: If she doesn't like it, too bad. Kids don't like eating their vegetables too a lot of the time, doesn't mean we allow them to have cake for supper.So where did you get your training in child abuse er I mean adolescent psychology and behavior modification?

You should be calm and strict, severe when needed. You (and it's important to mention, her father) are _parents_, you are not her friend. And you shouldn't trust children to always be making the right decisions, especially when they are being surrounded by temptations to do otherwise. You might worry you'll turn her away by being too strict on her, but look at where your current approach has left her, how much worse can it get? Actually, left like this, I can almost guarantee you that you will be dealing with much, much worse down the line, and unless she has some dramatic conversion experience you would probably lose her. She'd likely start experimenting with alcohol, start dating, fornicating, and forget about basic Islamic observances. She would be a Muslim in name only, if that even. So if you don't want that, and I'm sure you don't, then it's time to lay your foot down and be a parent.

I can not believe what I am reading here this advice ahould be criminal, Medhi soldier's would be if followed, Mehdi soldier is a throwback from the 17th century and you are not far behind him. You want to cripple this child's development, I would become a suicide bomber just to get away from both of you.:mad: :mad:

The hijab is an important issue, but only I think the tip of it. You mentioned she doesn't want to do her salat, did you allow that to be an option as well? It might be a bit late now, though better later than never, but the only hope I can see here is if you start doing what a parent ought to do and force her to obey the laws. Wake her up for fajr in the morning. Interrogate her about whether she performed her zhuhr and `asr. Make sure she does her maghrib and `isha. Thrown away her music if you've allowed that. Restrict her leaving the house and take away internet access. If she has a cell phone, get rid of it. (We didn't have these things when we were growing up and we made it by just fine) And there's no "choice" when it comes to wearing the hijab. If she doesn't like it, too bad. Kids don't like eating their vegetables too a lot of the time, doesn't mean we allow them to have cake for supper.

She is a young girl and you want to nake her a prisoner. There are hundreds of thousands of Muslimas who do not wear hijab, it is not spelled out in the Quran and forcing her to wear it would only support the argument of the people who want to ban it, in fact the women who support wearing the hijab say they are not forced to wear it but wear it out of choice. I also have strong doubts that you are a parent and probably aren't married. How dare you tell this mother that her daughter would likely start drinking and fornicating. That is an outrage, you don't know nor have you ever seen this kid. You are way out of your league here!!:mad:

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Bismillah

Salamun Alaykum

First- What others, specifically brother Macisaac and brother Mehdi Soldier have written are good advice for you take it, and think about it seriously and act on it.

Secondly, I want to say that I commend you for actually caring enough to seek advice on how to fix your daughter's situation, there are a thousands of other shia families here in the west that are in the exact same situation that you are in, and most of the parents dont even care about their kids, so Allahmadulillah I can see that you have some level of faith and wisdom.

With that said, here is my analyses of the situation:

My daughter has been attending madressa weekly since the age of 4 years.

She refuses to wear the hijab, so I do not force her. She goes to a mixed school. All her friends there are non-Muslims. She always wants to go to their homes, which I let her in the past.. I let her go to our local shopping centre with her girl friends, and she was spotted by a friend of mine socialising in a cafe with a group of girls and boys.

Although, I know we should be gentle and calm with our children, I felt let down by her as I trusted her. She says she does not have a boyfriend but i am unsure. She is often rude and says she does not necessarily believe in all that we believe in. I have tried to bring her up as a good Muslim, regularly attending religious gatherings but now she does not want to say her salaat anymore. Please give me some advice.

Regarding the first comment, attending madressa school once a week is not enough. You and your husband were born/raised in the U.K you should understand much better than others the very real spiritual danger of living/being raised in this environment and you should of enforced those teachings much better at home. You have to look at how your daughter has been living/raised. She is living in a non muslim country, being raised with kafirs all around her, lives next to kafirs, attends kaffir schools, only has kaffir friends, I am also assuming she spends a large portion of her time watching t.v, and probably listening to music (I am hoping behind you back, because if you have been allowing her to do so, or knew about it and didnt stop her this is one of the biggest roots of the problem). When she is with these kaffirs, they talk to her about sex, about drugs, they use profane language, continually invite her to go drink, try to encourage her in to sexual relationships, get her to listen to haram music, and she hears nothing about Allah , Quran and Ahlubayt- in fact they and probably the teachers at the school she attends try to persuade her away from even believing in Allah. so here your daughter has been interacting with this type of environment day in and day out for all these years are you honestly surprised that she has turned out the what that she has? Is it worth it to live in your "affluent" area if this is the result? This is not the result of her radically changing over night, its a result of years of being immersed in kufir, and probably committing sins for years as well (im guessing some of them even openly) and its slowly and slowly been building up for all of these years and now this is the end result.

She has been rude to you and your husband, rejected salat, refused the hijab... this is not small. These are great sins, and the longer she keeps it up the more damage will happen to her soul.

The spiritual damage that is caused from omitting prayers on purpose is immense, look at these ahadeeth:

Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq (a.s.) says, A person came to the Holy Prophet (S) and begged him for a moral lesson. The Messenger of Allah (S) said,

“Do not omit prayer intentionally because whoever leaves prayer voluntarily has exited from the pale of Islam."

(Salāt, Wasa’il ul-Shia Vol. 3 page 29)

The Messenger of Allah (S) says:

“The thing that turns a Muslim into Kafir is to omit prayer intentionally or to offer prayer considering it insignificant and unimportant.”

(Wasa’il ul-Shia Vol. 3 page 29)

The Holy Prophet (S) also says,

“There is no difference between faith and infidelity except the omitting of prayer

(Wasa’il ul-Shia Vol. 3 page 29)

And the damage incurred from disobeying and deprecating the parents is also very severe:

The Prophet (S) has also stated:

“Allah will not speak to Three kinds of people on the Day of Qiyāma. Neither will He have mercy upon them, nor will He purify their sins. There is for them a horrible chastisement. The Three types of people are the believers in destiny, the drunkards and those who disobeyed their parents.”

“One who is blessed with parents but does not fulfill their (his parent’s) rights will not be forgiven (his sins) by Allah.”

When Jibrīl (a.s.) said this, the Holy Prophet (S) uttered, ‘Amen’!

Hazrat Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said,

“Accursed, Accursed is the one who beats his parents. Accursed is the one who distresses his parents.

And just so that you understand how severe the situation of your daughter is:

“One who helps the neglecter of Prayer by giving him food or cloth acts as if he has murdered 70 prophets, the first of whom being Adam (a.s.) and the last Hazrat Muhammad Mustafa (S).”

(Layalul Akhbār Vol. 4 page 51)

“One who gives a draught of water to the neglecter of prayer, acts as if he has made war against me and battled with all the prophets.”

(Layalul Akhbār page 395)

The Holy Prophet is also reported to have stated,

“One who laughs with the neglecter of prayer, it is as if he has demolished the Ka’ba 70 times.”

(Layalul Akhbār Page 395)

Regarding her going out with boys, if she does not have a boyfriend yet, if she continues like this it is very very probably that she will in the near future.

As the brother said before, the way to prevent this is marriage.

4– Imam al-Rida (as) said, 'The archangel Gabriel descended to the Prophet (SAWA) and told him, 'O Muhammad, verily your Lord extends salutations on you and says, 'Verily the virgins from among your women are as fruits on a tree, which when they ripen must be plucked otherwise the sun rots them and the wind alters them. So when young women reach marriageable age, they have no other recourse apart from husbands, otherwise they will not be safe from corruption.’ The Prophet (SAWA) then climbed the pulpit, gathered the people and informed them of what Allah had commanded him.’[Bihar al-Anwar, v. 16, p. 223, no. 22]

You need to take her to a new environment, change her surroundings, bring her to muslims etc as quickly as possible. She is not young, in the eyes of Islam she is an adult and is responsible in the eyes of Allah for her actions.

You need to make drastic changes in her life before its to late.

Also so that you are informed some of the posters who are replying to you are non muslims, so if their advice seems to be different than every one elses - that is why.

Forexample Satyaban is a hindu and irishman is catholic, while they have a right to use this forum and post their views, My sincere advise to you is to not take their advices on these matters because they do not understand the severity of these issues from the eyes of Islam.

From their backgrounds and understandings they can not possibly comprehend the matter fully and how it pertains to the eternal destination of your daughter who is, sadly to say slowly heading on a path towards Kufir and hell fire, you have a chance to save her though as she is still young and can be changed.

May Allah help you with this situation. You and your family are in my duas.

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Regarding the first comment, attending madressa school once a week is not enough. You and your husband were born/raised in the U.K you should understand much better than others the very real spiritual danger of living/being raised in this environment and you should of enforced those teachings much better at home. You have to look at how your daughter has been living/raised. She is living in a non muslim country, being raised with kafirs all around her, lives next to kafirs, attends kaffir schools, only has kaffir friends, I am also assuming she spends a large portion of her time watching t.v, and probably listening to music (I am hoping behind you back, because if you have been allowing her to do so, or knew about it and didnt stop her this is one of the biggest roots of the problem). When she is with these kaffirs, they talk to her about sex, about drugs, they use profane language, continually invite her to go drink, try to encourage her in to sexual relationships, get her to listen to haram music, and she hears nothing about Allah , Quran and Ahlubayt- in fact they and probably the teachers at the school she attends try to persuade her away from even believing in Allah. so here your daughter has been interacting with this type of environment day in and day out for all these years are you honestly surprised that she has turned out the what that she has? Is it worth it to live in your "affluent" area if this is the result? This is not the result of her radically changing over night, its a result of years of being immersed in kufir, and probably committing sins for years as well (im guessing some of them even openly) and its slowly and slowly been building up for all of these years and now this is the end result.

Is it any wonder that Muslim ghettos appear in cities all over England when we have people who think like you.

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No, you've just taken his comment out of complete context.

His comments were very clear. No wonder you are so embarrassed by them as to try and say 'I have taken them out of context'. His opinion about Muslims living among 'kaffirs' were plain for all to see.

Edited by Irishman

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No offence, but I don't understand why non-Muslims, or even non-Shias, are allowed to post in these subforums. People presumably come here looking for proper Islamic advice, and we don't allow Sunnis to post in the Laws and Jurisprudence subforum after all.

Is it any wonder that Muslim ghettos appear in cities all over England when we have people who think like you.

Nothing he said was untrue, and you know it.

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His comments were very clear. No wonder you are so embarrassed by them as to try and say 'I have taken them out of context'. His opinion about Muslims living among 'kaffirs' were plain for all to see.

How about when a kafir such as yourself comes on a forum looking for advice on how to lead a non-Muslim lifestyle and raise their children likewise, you can go ahead and give your two cents. Otherwise, leave Muslims' affairs to Muslims.

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BS ^^^^^ Non muslims can also offer muslims sound advice, some of these issues are universal with really common solutions irrespective of ones faith, most of you forget they are after all our brothers in humanity, not all advice should be dismissed by default, that is just pathetic.

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BS ^^^^^ Non muslims can also offer muslims sound advice, some of these issues are universal with really common solutions irrespective of ones faith, most of you forget they are after all our brothers in humanity, not all advice should be dismissed by default, that is just pathetic.

On some things sure, but on how to raise one's child as a practicing Muslim, rather doubt it. It'd be like asking me how to raise a kid to be a practicing Buddhist. Add to that, Irishman is a troll, so Muslim or not his "contribution" is largely irrelevant.

And no, he isn't my "brother" in any sense of the sense.

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Al-Mufeed, with all due respect seems like you know ALOT of what Kaffirs talk about, how they live? it seems to fill your mouth with venom to just mention kaffir.........the issue has NOTHING to do with non-muslims......if the OP is confident in the education both at home and school received it is up to her daughter to make the choices, this could happen even in the most pious of muslim countries, unless of course she was not allowed to see the light of day and was locked up for fear of some WRATH or other.......personally the way KAFFIR is thrown around it is pretty offensive....dont ASSUME that ALL non-muslims live or talk as such or that ALL muslims are pious and are on the path to Jennah

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Al-Mufeed, with all due respect seems like you know ALOT of what Kaffirs talk about, how they live? it seems to fill your mouth with venom to just mention kaffir.........the issue has NOTHING to do with non-muslims......if the OP is confident in the education both at home and school received it is up to her daughter to make the choices, this could happen even in the most pious of muslim countries, unless of course she was not allowed to see the light of day and was locked up for fear of some WRATH or other.......personally the way KAFFIR is thrown around it is pretty offensive....dont ASSUME that ALL non-muslims live or talk as such or that ALL muslims are pious and are on the path to Jennah

Careful sister. Non-Muslims are not allowed to post in this section of the forum. A so called Admin like Al-Mufhead can spout all the venom he wants about 'kaffirs', but no 'kaffirs' better dare call him to account or you will probably get banned from this section of the forum, and probably from the whole forum. Another so called Admin called me a 'spastic' in another post only a few days back because I questioned a video he posted of which he claimed was a man being shot dead, when it was blatently obvious he was being shot in stomach with a rubber bullet.

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Careful sister. Non-Muslims are not allowed to post in this section of the forum. A so called Admin like Al-Mufhead can spout all the venom he wants about 'kaffirs', but no 'kaffirs' better dare call him to account or you will probably get banned from this section of the forum, and probably from the whole forum. Another so called Admin called me a 'spastic' in another post only a few days back because I questioned a video he posted of which he claimed was a man being shot dead, when it was blatently obvious he was being shot in stomach with a rubber bullet.

Well then out the window goes the learning and free exchange of information....its the only way to break down barriers regardless if you are Muslim or Not...no such thing happens with Pentecostal, Adventist, Judaisim, heck not even Atheist, then when the world comes down and blames ALL for only a few dont come and say people didnt try to understand......would it be better then for a YOUR side of the world and OUR side of the world...

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And no, he isn't my "brother" in any sense of the sense.

Well thank the Lord for small mercies :lol:

Well then out the window goes the learning and free exchange of information....its the only way to break down barriers regardless if you are Muslim or Not...no such thing happens with Pentecostal, Adventist, Judaisim, heck not even Atheist, then when the world comes down and blames ALL for only a few dont come and say people didnt try to understand......would it be better then for a YOUR side of the world and OUR side of the world...

Be careful there sister, you've just listed about 30% of the religions MacIsaac has practised over the last 10 years :lol:

But now he is an Islamic expert and can give advice, especially on how raise children in an Islamic fashion like he was, Oh wait!!. He'll be a Marjah soon LOL

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