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evolving786

Rebelious Teenager

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Guest Mushu

Guys, go discuss this elsewhere. Start a new thread.

The OP came here for advice, not a debate. Your posts only congest the thread and make it difficult for the OP to see genuine posts.

@OP, so far, i think myself, Al-Mufeed and macisaac have given you the best advice. Ignore all the un-islamic advice.

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Well thank the Lord for small mercies :lol:

Be careful there sister, you've just listed about 30% of the religions MacIsaac has practised over the last 10 years :lol:

But now he is an Islamic expert and can give advice, especially on how raise children in an Islamic fashion like he was, Oh wait!!. He'll be a Marjah soon LOL

Pushing Ye Olde Envelope there eh??!!! regardless small minds are for small people......i hate having to walk on egg shells.......More none-sense of Unislamic....alas keep closing doors until you hit your nose in one, then dont come begging to be in an unislamic country

Edited by esposabella

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How about when a kafir such as yourself comes on a forum looking for advice on how to lead a non-Muslim lifestyle and raise their children likewise, you can go ahead and give your two cents. Otherwise, leave Muslims' affairs to Muslims.

Your advice was counterproductive, given the context, and would probably end in disaster. Some critique was sorely needed. You can't just switch gears all of a sudden to some sort of supercontrolling, authoritarian parenting style in the teenage years as a way of exerting control if that hasn't been the method for all the years before. It doesn't work. Maybe if you do that from the start, so that it is the normal routine from an early age, but even that is questionable if you're living here and not in some sort of ghettoized existence where Muslims are the only circle you associate in (which carries its own problems).

You can't have any sort of positive influence on your child if you don't have a relationship with the child and can't have a relationship if you drive the child away.

To the OP: You need to be very cautious in how you act. Every action produces a counter-reaction. If you react too sharply, you will provoke a similarly sharp counter-reaction, or even more sharp, given the emotionality of youth. You need to identify your threats and prioritize, protecting against the serious, potentially life derailing risks (keep her away from too early sexual activity, pregnancy, poisonous relationships, drug and alcohol abuse, etc) first. Satyaban had some decent advice. Then move on, once those are secure with those things, to long term objectives of helping to steer her back to religion once the serious near term threats are addressed.

Macisaac is theoretically correct in a sense, but pragmatically, is disastrously wrong. From a religious standpoint, prayer is the foundation of building a relationship with God. Modest dress and behavior are a foundational infrastructure for healthy inter-relations in the world. But where you're at, solving those two problems is not your first immediate priority.

Avoid the looming icebergs 5 miles ahead in the ship's course.

Then set about gently, gradually, but firmly helping her to reorient the overall course the ship is taking.

Edited by kadhim

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Al-Mufeed, with all due respect seems like you know ALOT of what Kaffirs talk about, how they live? it seems to fill your mouth with venom to just mention kaffir.........the issue has NOTHING to do with non-muslims......if the OP is confident in the education both at home and school received it is up to her daughter to make the choices, this could happen even in the most pious of muslim countries, unless of course she was not allowed to see the light of day and was locked up for fear of some WRATH or other.......personally the way KAFFIR is thrown around it is pretty offensive....dont ASSUME that ALL non-muslims live or talk as such or that ALL muslims are pious and are on the path to Jennah

I am realistic. The word kaffir means some one who disbelieves. Also in this context it refers to the secular individuals who are present in british and the other so called "western" society.

Its a fact, the majority of god-less people spend their time/energy (especially in the teenage years) towards things which are against the life style of a Muslim.

Where do you think this girl is getting these tendencies to rebel, not pray, take off her hijab etc. Do you think she is getting them from her Muslim parents who are concerned with her behavior and who take he to attend Islamic School and Islamic activities?

Obviously she is learning this behavior from outside sources, and those outside sources would be the kafir -or if you want me to use the politically correct term "secular" - individuals and institutions that she is interacting with.

SOME muslims are able to interact with these people and institutions, and come out unscathed. This is not true for most (especially when they are so young), and obviously this young woman is unable to interact with these individuals/institutions with out effecting her morality and religous beliefs.

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Salaams,

I wonder if anyone can give me advice, especially the youth out there. I have a 14 year old daughter who is becoming increasingly rebellious against my husband and I. We live in England in an affluent area where there are relatively few Muslims. My husband and I are both brought up in England and are well educated, practising Muslims. My daughter has been attending madressa weekly since the age of 4 years.

She refuses to wear the hijab, so I do not force her. She goes to a mixed school. All her friends there are non-Muslims. She always wants to go to their homes, which I let her in the past.. I let her go to our local shopping centre with her girl friends, and she was spotted by a friend of mine socialising in a cafe with a group of girls and boys.

Although, I know we should be gentle and calm with our children, I felt let down by her as I trusted her. She says she does not have a boyfriend but i am unsure. She is often rude and says she does not necessarily believe in all that we believe in. I have tried to bring her up as a good Muslim, regularly attending religious gatherings but now she does not want to say her salaat anymore. Please give me some advice.

(salam)

Hopefully it's only a stage. I do agree with some people who have suggested trying to show her the beauty and spiritual aspects of Islam which will make her fall in love with it. Remind her that this world is temporary and where her priorities should be. It's so easy to slip away, especially when there are worldly pleasures surrounding her. Music, mixed gatherings, particular tv shows, are all things you as a parent can be mindful of as well.

As for salat, remind her how it is beneficial for her, the power of salat and the need for it. Kids are smart these days, you can't just get away by telling them what to do--they need logic and reasoning.

Insha'Allah she'll come around!

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@OP, so far, i think myself, Al-Mufeed and macisaac have given you the best advice. Ignore all the un-islamic advice.

Unfortunately for MacIsaac and Al-Mufeed and Mehdi Soldier, the OP lives in the England and this is the year 2011. She does not live in MacIsaacStan and this is not 6th century AD. Whilst the OP may have some legal powers on her side to lock up her daughter at present, those legal powers are swiftly moving towards to her daughter and will almost be totally in her daughters favour in 2 years or less when she reaches 16. So the lockdown tactic has maybe 1 year or less depending on precise age of her daughter. If she builds up a great deal of animosity towards this lockdown, then when she reaches age 16 she can literally walk out of OP's house in a mini-skirt and boobtube and go off to live in a bedsit with an unemployed pot-smoking alcoholic atheist wannabe rap star, and any attempt to stop her will mean the OP and her husband will be the one's being locked up.

A better long term option is a good relationship built on mutual respect between parents and daughter. Explain to her daughter the pitfalls etc.. and problems that can arise for young people and the various temptations out there. Try and have an honest and truthful relationship with her. Or continue with the lockdown plan and pray to Allah it does not explode badly back in your face in a year or two. Unfortunately for Al-Mufeed, English laws and not Sharia Law still apply in Bradistan and other similar cities in Northern England.

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Salaams,

I wonder if anyone can give me advice, especially the youth out there. I have a 14 year old daughter who is becoming increasingly rebellious against my husband and I. We live in England in an affluent area where there are relatively few Muslims. My husband and I are both brought up in England and are well educated, practising Muslims. My daughter has been attending madressa weekly since the age of 4 years.

She refuses to wear the hijab, so I do not force her. She goes to a mixed school. All her friends there are non-Muslims. She always wants to go to their homes, which I let her in the past.. I let her go to our local shopping centre with her girl friends, and she was spotted by a friend of mine socialising in a cafe with a group of girls and boys.

Although, I know we should be gentle and calm with our children, I felt let down by her as I trusted her. She says she does not have a boyfriend but i am unsure. She is often rude and says she does not necessarily believe in all that we believe in. I have tried to bring her up as a good Muslim, regularly attending religious gatherings but now she does not want to say her salaat anymore. Please give me some advice.

Salam sis

I just want to say that being arounf muslims or non muslims is not the reason for her being rebellious , some muslims teens around here are as rebellious as your kid despite all the social obstacls

it is not that she is not practicing islam is the only problem, she might get herself in troubls of drugs and such , i think number one priority here would be her physical health

she should be aware that some actions have some risks on her physical health

second important thing of keeping an eye on her is not in the - i allow her to go or not - instead try - and i know it is hard but worth trial- to let her inform you willigly , she can tell you about her friends , their thoughts of her of you ,maybe a discussion of these issue may bring you closer and calm her down , she dont need to say rude things to express her thoughts douts and disagreemnts

maybe talking about relationships is not a bad things either , relationships in general , how they are buit and how they affect the girl in many ways if they fail or succeed

Edited by yassameen

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Guest Mushu

Unfortunately for MacIsaac and Al-Mufeed and Mehdi Soldier, the OP lives in the England and this is the year 2011. She does not live in MacIsaacStan and this is not 6th century AD. Whilst the OP may have some legal powers on her side to lock up her daughter at present, those legal powers are swiftly moving towards to her daughter and will almost be totally in her daughters favour in 2 years or less when she reaches 16. So the lockdown tactic has maybe 1 year or less depending on precise age of her daughter. If she builds up a great deal of animosity towards this lockdown, then when she reaches age 16 she can literally walk out of OP's house in a mini-skirt and boobtube and go off to live in a bedsit with an unemployed pot-smoking alcoholic atheist wannabe rap star, and any attempt to stop her will mean the OP and her husband will be the one's being locked up.

A better long term option is a good relationship built on mutual respect between parents and daughter. Explain to her daughter the pitfalls etc.. and problems that can arise for young people and the various temptations out there. Try and have an honest and truthful relationship with her. Or continue with the lockdown plan and pray to Allah it does not explode badly back in your face in a year or two. Unfortunately for Al-Mufeed, English laws and not Sharia Law still apply in Bradistan and other similar cities in Northern England.

Well, i live in one of the worst parts of England, and when i started going astray, my parents initiated a lockdown. And that was at 16/17. I turned out okay, and am grateful to my parebts for doing it.

Irish, she wont walk out. Parents hold great importance in Islam. Walk out on parents, youve pretty much just got yourself a one way ticket to hell. Unless the parents are stopping you from religion or something obviously.

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Well, i live in one of the worst parts of England, and when i started going astray, my parents initiated a lockdown. And that was at 16/17. I turned out okay, and am grateful to my parebts for doing it.

I've seen kids whose parents initiated a lockdown turn into demons once the lockdown could not be enforced. Maybe you turned out ok, many have not. I've also seen many kids turn out fine as a result of having a good relationship with parents built on mutual respect and trust.

Irish, she wont walk out. Parents hold great importance in Islam. Walk out on parents, youve pretty much just got yourself a one way ticket to hell. Unless the parents are stopping you from religion or something obviously.

The daughter does not seem to put great importance on Islam at present.

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Let's look at it this way suppose the only folks allowed to post on this subject were Muslim mothers and father over 26 years old, how many of the current posters would be excluded? When each one of my three children were born no one gave me a manual nor did we have to take a test to qualify, I had to take a test before I was allowed to drive a car for goodness sake. So my wife and I made a sound decision that being we would get advice from some people we respected on how to do it and their religion was not a factor.

I think it makes sense for posters to declare their marriage status and how many children you raised. I will qualify myself first:

Married: my wife died at 41 yrs old.

Children: three- boy now 32yrs, girl 30 yrs, boy 28

How about the rest of you?

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But i thought the OP asked for youth opinion

anyway , we depend alot on general behavioral and psychological books on how to rais a teenage

saying that , it is a diffrent issue when your teen take the car without your permission , or sleep the night out of house without giving notice and the teen who mainly is angry all time and is being rude

the relationships in islam is like taking the key of car and driving in crazy speeds without license and are taken so seriously , specially before adulthood when parent still worried about their kids as they are their guardians

and if i am not mistaken , relationships are being taken sirously too by non muslims when their kids are still teens and many set a tight rules about it

for this teen whom she is 14 and yet she is not wearing hijab yet ,knowing her parents are muslims and do want her to do so , i guess this is one of the OP questions that she want an answer for cause simply she is a muslim

secondly , the uncomfortable mother about her daughter friends ie relationships

mother is not comfortable with her daughter attitude islamically speaking , ie rude words

fourth mother is worried about her daughter religion as her daughter stop attending prayer

finally there is this trust issue between kid and mother which is not cute thing bu not not rational thing either

i think it is fair to address the OP concerns instead of our concerns about the whole issue

PS for the OP " i didnt like to attend the islamic gatherings in my teen and untill now i am very picky , and the prayer issue is not uncommon among muslim teens in muslim countries"

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Let's look at it this way suppose the only folks allowed to post on this subject were Muslim mothers and father over 26 years old, how many of the current posters would be excluded? When each one of my three children were born no one gave me a manual nor did we have to take a test to qualify, I had to take a test before I was allowed to drive a car for goodness sake. So my wife and I made a sound decision that being we would get advice from some people we respected on how to do it and their religion was not a factor.

I think it makes sense for posters to declare their marriage status and how many children you raised. I will qualify myself first:

Married: my wife died at 41 yrs old.

Children: three- boy now 32yrs, girl 30 yrs, boy 28

How about the rest of you?

You've completely missed the point of the thread. It's not about raising children, it's about raising Muslims in a non-Muslim society. With all due respect, you have absolutely no experience in that. In fact, the teenagers on this forum are actually able to give good advice regarding this issue, because they all went through the same situation. They experienced the same things as the OP's daughter experienced and they know how they managed to get out of it.

My advice:

What bros. macisaac and Al-Mufeed posted are good pieces of advice. An old teacher of mine (a woman) used to say that the reason girls should wear hijab at 9 years old is because most of them won't wear it after that age because they will see themselves as beautiful and they will want to show it off. You have a pretty difficult situation on your hands: you must limit your daughter's freedoms to prevent her from committing more mistake, but, you also have to be careful not to go too far or she will only resent you and do things behind your back. I think the most important thing is to get her to actually want to be good. You have to make her love the religion instead of thinking of it as an oppressive tradition. Get her involved with Muslims (especially other youth) who will actually encourage her to follow the right path.

When giving advice, everyone should realize that there is a big difference between teenaged boys and girls. I have seen many boys that were completely irreligious change as soon as they matured a bit because they were just "having fun" the whole time and didn't actually believe that what they were doing was right. With girls, however, they (usually) mature earlier. When a girl goes off track she might make big mistakes that she can't get over. Girls also have the potential to be much more irrational.

So basically it comes down to one thing: get her into a good Islamic (preferably but not necessarily Shia) environment. If you can control who she actually thinks are her friends, then you control her but without her knowing. If not possible, then at least put on good English Shi'a lecturers and watch them with her. Don't just tell her to watch a lecture and leave her, you have to make her want to watch them (Here's a good start). Let her have her freedom but only with those people that you trust. For example, when I was younger, my parents wouldn't let me even go out to the movies with people that weren't religious. But, with those people that they knew were religious and trustworthy, they didn't care if I stayed at their house until halfway through the night. Obviously the situation is different with a girl (don't let her stay out until 3 AM, no matter who she's with) but maybe you can allow her other things.

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I am not a parent, but i am a westerner. Teenagers will be teenagers. Rebellion is just what everyone does at some stage in their life. Though its not necissarily a bad thing. For me, it was how i learned more things about life. I would recommend teaching your daughter about responsibility. Teach her about things like safe sex. If she is around men, you should probably try to meet these men, and if theyre bad news, you can tell her why u think that. If theyre responsible young men, then you wont have to worry as much. Also, being around men doesnt necissarily mean she is in a relationship with them. I personally have many female friends who are just friends, just like any brother, or like a sister to me. So yes, just make sure your daughter is being responsible, make sure she is safe, and make sure she isnt hanging out with any abusive of psychopathic men.

just my 2 cents.

and if your daughter is being responsible, and she is around responsible men. and they understand how hard life can be if they make certain mistakes...then your daughter will be ok, as the rest of us young westerners are.

With all due respect, but although I encourage my children to take all the good things about the Western soceity we live in, I do NOT want them to take the worst things about this soceity. I'm sure you will agree that encouraging safe sex and all that goes with it has resulted in the U.k having the highest percentage of teenage pregnancies in the world and the resulting broken families, sexual diseases that result from it, etc, etc. I want my children to have a happy life and follow the Islamic principles because this is what will help them to be succesful in every way, InshAllah. I joined this forum to have the Islamic perspective on this issue. Otherwise, there are lots of other forums availble preaching the alternative view. So, I do not know why you are bothering to comment on this forum. . And this goes for all others who do not want to approach this from the Islamic viewpoint!

I have started reading Ziyarat Ashura every day and it is working wonders! SubhanAllah!

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Guest Mushu

With all due respect, but although I encourage my children to take all the good things about the Western soceity we live in, I do NOT want them to take the worst things about this soceity. I'm sure you will agree that encouraging safe sex and all that goes with it has resulted in the U.k having the highest percentage of teenage pregnancies in the world and the resulting broken families, sexual diseases that result from it, etc, etc. I want my children to have a happy life and follow the Islamic principles because this is what will help them to be succesful in every way, InshAllah. I joined this forum to have the Islamic perspective on this issue. Otherwise, there are lots of other forums availble preaching the alternative view. So, I do not know why you are bothering to comment on this forum. . And this goes for all others who do not want to approach this from the Islamic viewpoint!

I have started reading Ziyarat Ashura every day and it is working wonders! SubhanAllah!

Yeahhh, dont listen to that advice lol. I think you're going about it the right way now.

One last piece of advice from me: does she have facebook?

If she does, make her show it to you, out of the blue. As in, dont give her prior warning or anything, just go to her one day 'can you show me your facebook now please'. If shes reluctant, then she has something to hide on it. Unless you see it yourself, and approve of it, then I say restrict her internet access.

However, since she has obviously grown up in a good Shia household, and is only 14, i wouldnt worry TOO much. I think you need to enforce hijab and salah more though.

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I'm not a parent. But the best thing is just communication. Setup reasonable boundaries and see how she progresses.

There's not much you can do, so just try your best, ultimately, she is a human, shes self-aware of her actions, so she'll decide her own fate.

If you've tried your best as a parent, don't look down upon yourself. The rest is in the hands of God.

Good luck.

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