Boredom In Marriage

[ash-shaheed]

Salaam all,

I'm posting here to seek some advice on a marital issue that I've been facing, in the hope that there are others out there who may have dealt with this and can advise me. If you have any advice on the issue below, please feel free to share it. Comments from brothers and sisters welcome. If you need me to give you more information or to clarify, please let me know.

I was married less than a year ago to a girl who met all my criteria for marriage. She was religious, educated, from a good family, good looking, etc. However, because we wanted to observe the proper Islamic boundaries before marriage, the girl and I did not talk much before marriage. We were engaged for a number of months, during which we talked once a week, on the phone (we lived far apart from each other) about mundane topics like how our weeks went. We would also read Islamic books (on marriage) together and discuss them.

Fast-forward to the marriage. Once we got married and started spending 24/7 with each other, I realized how quiet my wife really is. While it was easy for her to talk during the engagement (because we only talked once a week), during the marriage itself - as spent 24/7 together - I realized that she didn't have much personality. I am very much into trying new things, meeting new people, going new places, reading books, discussing deep Islamic, philosophical, and social topics. On the other hand, she is not really into any of those things. She rarely talks, and if so does, it is always me who has to initiate the conversation and ask her 10 questions, to which she'll respond with short, terse answers. Because I am naturally somewhat quiet (even though I do enjoy meeting ppl, etc.), this gets tiring for me after a while too, so I stop. I really wish she would initiate conversation more with me, and bring up new and interesting topics. But, she isn't that interesting of an individual and she doesn't have many things she's passionate about. And I don't blame her entirely - her parents have really dry personalities too, and all they talk about as a family are mundane things like food, restaurants, and masjid politics. I have spent time with her family and have observed this. My wife also barely has any real friends (maybe 1 or 2), and it's really difficult for her to make new friends. So often she's just attached to me, and just has nothing to say because there's not much that interests her or she doesn't have anything else going on in her life (other than her school, which is medical-related and not a subject one can really discuss).

Basically, what I am trying to say is that often times I just feel bored in my marriage. I am scared that I may have made a mistake in marrying her because although my wife is good in many ways, I'm not sure how compatible we are personality-wise. I can't imagine going through life bored out of mind half of the time that I'm home with her. On the other hand, I don't think something like this is worth pursuing divorce over. Part of me feels that she may have just erected walls around herself to avoid getting too emotionally close to me until she's sure that I am always going to be there for her, and that I won't leave her. So it might get better in the future. I think this based on some things she has said and some things about her past she has shared with me. However, I'm not sure that this is the case - this might just be her personality and she might not change much later on in life either.

Has anyone else dealt with being bored with their spouse's personality (or lack thereof) during the marriage? Is there a way to deal with it? Does it get better?

Thanks!

[Ya Aba 3abdillah]

Sounds like you're spending way too much time together. That might be good for the first 6 months, but then baboom. Get busy yourself with stuff (outside the house) like work, school, sports, family, etc ... and encourage her to do the same, or do a post-grad degree or something, take up some hobby or start some business project. You each have to have some short-term and long-term goals, you know, doesn't hurt to dream and be aspired a little. Like destroy Israel or something like that.

Also, take into consideration Nietzche's advice: "Everything about woman is a riddle, and everything about woman has a single solution: that is, pregnancy.", kids will keep you guys busy.

If you don't, it could get worse.

But don't think about divorce, that's just shaytan's thinking.

[Blissful]

(salam)

Of course your marriage is going to be dull at times, it's not every minute of the day that it's all hype and bliss. Doesn't necessarily mean the marriage is doomed forever. You have to accept that sometimes marriage can be like this.

I second Ya Aba's suggestion - kids. They're little bundles of joy that will bring so much more into your lives and give you both different responsibilities, not to mention the time you spend together.

Also, spend time doing things she likes...maybe you guys should go away together somewhere nice and have a little fun.

Insha'Allah Allah continues to bless your marriage

[TheNameISignWith]

But don't think about divorce, that's just shaytan's thinking.

I want to know more about divorce being Shaytan's thoughts.

[Gypsy]

(salam)

You are complaining that your wife is too quiet? :lol: For most men that would be an ideal marriage. :!!!:

What you describe is not a problem. Naturally, some people are more introverts while others are more extroverts. What you need to do is set some times for being together and do stuff together.

I realized that she didn't have much personality. I am very much into trying new things, meeting new people, going new places, reading books, discussing deep Islamic, philosophical, and social topics.

This is plain rude.

There are hadiths from Ahlul Bayt that being quiet, contemplating and introspective about your self and the world is a highly virtuous activities. Remember that the quieter you are, the less are chances for you to back bite.

InshaAllah, maybe you can learn from your wife on how to be quiet and indulge more in self-thinking than being a more social person. :)

[satyaban]

Sounds like you're spending way too much time together. That might be good for the first 6 months, but then baboom. Get busy yourself with stuff (outside the house) like work, school, sports, family, etc ... and encourage her to do the same, or do a post-grad degree or something, take up some hobby or start some business project. You each have to have some short-term and long-term goals, you know, doesn't hurt to dream and be aspired a little. Like destroy Israel or something like that.

Also, take into consideration Nietzche's advice: "Everything about woman is a riddle, and everything about woman has a single solution: that is, pregnancy.", kids will keep you guys busy.

If you don't, it could get worse.

But don't think about divorce, that's just shaytan's thinking.

That is the worst advice to give someone whose marriage is in trouble. It would be a sin to bring a child into this marriage at this time. You know nothing about a successful fulfilling marriage and less about women.

The only thing of value here is in the first 4 sentences. If the second paragraph is a joke I apologize.

[Ya Aba 3abdillah]

I want to know more about divorce being Shaytan's thoughts.

http://www.islamwome...tails.aspx?id=5

http://www.al-islam.org/flowers/55.htm

http://www.zainab.or...s/page-0020.htm

If there's a proper reason for it, then fine, but boredom is really not a reason.

You are complaining that your wife is too quiet? :lol: For most men that would be an ideal marriage.

Holy, you're like spot on sis, how the heck did I miss that.

^ She's right man. You got yourself something only millions of others dream of, sheesh. Nothing better than a tranquil home! http://islamic-laws.com/silence.htm

the opposite is - yap yap yap yap yap yap :wacko:

[amirafatima]

Salaam

I see where you're coming from although I must say that you could have FAR worse problems than this. A quiet wife can be a blessing. Soon she'll become comfortable enough with you to open up slightly but you have to give it time and stop pressuring this, because the more you push her to talk, the more she'll keep in her shell.

I really advise you to throw away thoughts of divorce or leaving her for this matter (I don't want to belittle your feelings by calling the issue petty, but although I see where you're coming from, I don't think its a huge problem). If you continue thinking that this is going to be too boring for you etc, than you will make her feel more insecure and she will never open up. Over time (patience and encouragement from you, gentle prodding perhaps) You will see that you will probably begin to appreciate her silence more, and at the same time she will open up slightly too. It takes a long time in a marriage, perhaps 3-4 years, but eventually you even out.... you become more like her and she more like you, take the best of each others characters (inshallah!!!)

please appreciate her, and be thankful you have such a wife...

[~RuQaYaH~]

(salam)

You are complaining that your wife is too quiet? :lol: For most men that would be an ideal marriage. :!!!:

What you describe is not a problem. Naturally, some people are more introverts while others are more extroverts. What you need to do is set some times for being together and do stuff together.

This is plain rude.

There are hadiths from Ahlul Bayt that being quiet, contemplating and introspective about your self and the world is a highly virtuous activities. Remember that the quieter you are, the less are chances for you to back bite.

InshaAllah, maybe you can learn from your wife on how to be quiet and indulge more in self-thinking than being a more social person. :)

(salam)

Sis no doubt we have a countless number of hadiths on not speaking too much and that it is definitely a trait of the wise and pious, but as we know the 'quietness' propogated by Islam does not = being anti-social which is ofcourse not the way of the aimmah (as). I don't think the bro meant it in an offensive way but just that she is not as outgoing and as much of an extrovert as he is and he feels there is a clash. Also sis while men talk about how much they'd like a quiet women (or as my brother says, a mute woman :wacko:), really they are in self-denial ;). Most men do like outgoing social women as long as they don't nag or talk nonsense.

Anywayz bro, I'm not sure what to tell you except that this is definitely not something that's worth pursuing divorce for and that communication is absolutely vital. Speak to her about it (in a very diplomatic fashion) and make her feel comfortable to open up to you. If this is the issue:

Part of me feels that she may have just erected walls around herself to avoid getting too emotionally close to me until she's sure that I am always going to be there for her, and that I won't leave her. So it might get better in the future. I think this based on some things she has said and some things about her past she has shared with me.

then that's the only way it will be solved....unless you wanna wait for another 5 years. Best of luck :).

wasalaam

[Maryaam]

Salaam all,

Basically, what I am trying to say is that often times I just feel bored in my marriage. I am scared that I may have made a mistake in marrying her because although my wife is good in many ways, I'm not sure how compatible we are personality-wise. I can't imagine going through life bored out of mind half of the time that I'm home with her. On the other hand, I don't think something like this is worth pursuing divorce over. Part of me feels that she may have just erected walls around herself to avoid getting too emotionally close to me until she's sure that I am always going to be there for her, and that I won't leave her. So it might get better in the future. I think this based on some things she has said and some things about her past she has shared with me. However, I'm not sure that this is the case - this might just be her personality and she might not change much later on in life either.

Wasalam OP :)

You are right; silence is not always golden....

This is not a small problem; communication is the key to a successful marriage. A quiet wife is not necessarily a happy wife. Her short terse answers are definitely not the sign of happiness – they could be the sign of withdrawal or, at worse, anger (I know this as I get realllly quiet when I am angry .. and no, it is not helpful). Yes, you should be concerned. Concerned to the point that you want to work on your relationship while it is still malleable to make it more satisfying and productive, and ultimately a solid foundation to embrace (or weather) all the surprises that the future may hold. Wish there were more men like you because you are thoughtful and reflective; you address warning signs, and seek to go forward and develop and have a dynamic marriage. Ignoring it will not help. Contemplating divorce will not help. Slipping out the door to find friends and excitement elsewhere will not help. But you already know this. So my saying it will not help :P I just meant to show you that your concern about this is valid.

Disagree with the pregnancy suggestion.......

The ONLY reason one should plan to have a baby is because of what they are capable and willing to give to that child in terms of care and nurture for a promising life. This is what you might call a baby-centered decision. The LAST reason one should bring a baby in this world is to be used to repair or fix a relationship. That is what you might call a self-centered-(aka selfish) decision. Babies are not therapy mats. Having babies adds joy and hope to our family, but the little cherubs can also be stressful and challenging. You want to make sure that these natural stresses are not compounding on other pre-existent not-taken-care-of stresses. Bring a baby, into a harmonious home, not one with a shaky foundation. Anyway, this is all moot, as she is going to school….

Hmmm…idea on what to do…..

You two need to find a common interest and take part in activities that develop an emotional and trusting bond so that you are able to learn to be open with each other. The more active the activity, the more follow up conversations there will be about it. You may also meet new shared friends that enjoy similar interests. She is obviously not interested in the philosophical and social discussions that you are passionate about (at this time), so put that one away for now. Also, try and go outside your comfort zone, to look for new activities. You may be more boring and narrow than you think. :D Try something that you both would have never considered and in which both of you are newbies. That way you are both at the same starting point and the field is level. You will both be forced to rely on and trust each other to navigate and explore; ie., communicate, – which, after all, is the goal here.

[Marbles]

The first few suggestions don't seem to understand the problem imo.

The problem as such is not the quiet or introvert nature of the wife but lack of communication between the two. The husband gets short, tense replies when they ever talk. They aren't doing much things together on which communication can be built. (I second Maryaam's advice on new activities together). This can't be fixed by ignoring the wife and going out to pursue new, small, fun activities such as the destruction of Israel. It would just push the wife further into her fold. And judging by the OP's nuanced post, this solution, if we can call it one, wouldn't be all that satisfying for him.

It was ultimate pleasure to see the biggest misogynist the world has ever seen being quoted to solve the problem the husband is having with the wife.

Edited April 30, 2011 by Marbles

[Maryaam]

It was ultimate pleasure to see the biggest misogynist the world have ever seen being being quoted to solve the problems the husband is having with the wife.

I found that quite curious as well... lol

[Ya Aba 3abdillah]

I found that quite curious as well... lol

Me three !!

[Aramis]

Maybe your not spontaneous enough. Maybe she finds your topics boring. She is like what did i get myself into.... lol

Anyways, get out of your way to do things for her. Find out more about her, if not from her then ppl that are close to her.

If she doesnt have much friends, why dont u be her friend, she shouldnt need more friends, if you are truly there for her.

You need to be SPONTANEOUS.

This is what you should talk to her about.

1- About the physics of water movement.

2- why is the earth always moving and im not.

3- Rent a movie the chipmunks. (pg13 dont worry its halal)

4- well cook her some food.

5- do the laundry maybe mine too.

Let me know how it works out.

[keys2paradise]

Salaam all,

I'm posting here to seek some advice on a marital issue that I've been facing, in the hope that there are others out there who may have dealt with this and can advise me. If you have any advice on the issue below, please feel free to share it. Comments from brothers and sisters welcome. If you need me to give you more information or to clarify, please let me know.

I was married less than a year ago to a girl who met all my criteria for marriage. She was religious, educated, from a good family, good looking, etc. However, because we wanted to observe the proper Islamic boundaries before marriage, the girl and I did not talk much before marriage. We were engaged for a number of months, during which we talked once a week, on the phone (we lived far apart from each other) about mundane topics like how our weeks went. We would also read Islamic books (on marriage) together and discuss them.

Fast-forward to the marriage. Once we got married and started spending 24/7 with each other, I realized how quiet my wife really is. While it was easy for her to talk during the engagement (because we only talked once a week), during the marriage itself - as spent 24/7 together - I realized that she didn't have much personality. I am very much into trying new things, meeting new people, going new places, reading books, discussing deep Islamic, philosophical, and social topics. On the other hand, she is not really into any of those things. She rarely talks, and if so does, it is always me who has to initiate the conversation and ask her 10 questions, to which she'll respond with short, terse answers. Because I am naturally somewhat quiet (even though I do enjoy meeting ppl, etc.), this gets tiring for me after a while too, so I stop. I really wish she would initiate conversation more with me, and bring up new and interesting topics. But, she isn't that interesting of an individual and she doesn't have many things she's passionate about. And I don't blame her entirely - her parents have really dry personalities too, and all they talk about as a family are mundane things like food, restaurants, and masjid politics. I have spent time with her family and have observed this. My wife also barely has any real friends (maybe 1 or 2), and it's really difficult for her to make new friends. So often she's just attached to me, and just has nothing to say because there's not much that interests her or she doesn't have anything else going on in her life (other than her school, which is medical-related and not a subject one can really discuss).

Basically, what I am trying to say is that often times I just feel bored in my marriage. I am scared that I may have made a mistake in marrying her because although my wife is good in many ways, I'm not sure how compatible we are personality-wise. I can't imagine going through life bored out of mind half of the time that I'm home with her. On the other hand, I don't think something like this is worth pursuing divorce over. Part of me feels that she may have just erected walls around herself to avoid getting too emotionally close to me until she's sure that I am always going to be there for her, and that I won't leave her. So it might get better in the future. I think this based on some things she has said and some things about her past she has shared with me. However, I'm not sure that this is the case - this might just be her personality and she might not change much later on in life either.

Has anyone else dealt with being bored with their spouse's personality (or lack thereof) during the marriage? Is there a way to deal with it? Does it get better?

Thanks!

Alaykom salam,

Wait for an opportunity when she is in a relaxed mood and ask her about how she feels about your marital relationship. Surely she wont be uninterested in THAT topic! Ask her is she happy, is there anything she is unahppy with, what were her expectations of marriage, how can the marriage get better etc. You never know, she might open up if you just ask. And then you can share your ideas about how you feel about your current relationship, and any suggestion you have to make it better.

[^_^]

Try something romantic. A picnic or something. man your lucky you have a wife. some of us dont. she might even be shy!

[Elvis_King]

Sounds like you're spending way too much time together. That might be good for the first 6 months, but then baboom. Get busy yourself with stuff (outside the house) like work, school, sports, family, etc ... and encourage her to do the same, or do a post-grad degree or something, take up some hobby or start some business project. You each have to have some short-term and long-term goals, you know, doesn't hurt to dream and be aspired a little. Like destroy Israel or something like that.

Also, take into consideration Nietzche's advice: "Everything about woman is a riddle, and everything about woman has a single solution: that is, pregnancy.", kids will keep you guys busy.

If you don't, it could get worse.

But don't think about divorce, that's just shaytan's thinking.

Mashallah very wise advice akhi,

May God Bless you and reward you Amen

[I Believe]

Communication issues can be a real road block but I'm sure your wife is a lovely girl and she seems so based on your description omitting the no personality line. Married life is as good or bad as you make it. Say Hamdillah you have a good Muslimah on your side and maybe make an effort to get to know what she likes, hobbies etc. No one is really boring anyway, but we rarely take the time to get to know people different than us.

[ash-shaheed]

Salaam all,

Thank you for your heart felt and sincere suggestions. Just want to clarify a few points:

1) The pregnancy solution is definitely OUT of the question, for now. We are too young and not settled enough to bring a baby into our lives.

2) To those who said that this is a virtuous quality of my wife, I refer you to Sr. Ruqayah's post. My wife is not doing this because she knows of the Islamic value in silence. If she were naturally talkative but at times purposely remained quiet for Islamic reasons, I don't think I'd bring up this topic. I'm bringing this up because this seems to be an endemic part of her personality that I am having trouble dealing with, and I wanted some advice.

3) Sr. Maryaam - Thank you for your post. I don't believe my wife is doing this out of anger, or withdrawal either. If you were to ask me honestly, I think there's two things going on here: 1) She's afraid to get too attached or too close to me, because I'm the new stranger in her life and she's not sure if she can trust me yet (some of her close friends/family have been in bad marriages or have ended up divorced, so this is where that's coming from). 2) She genuinely does not have that many independent interests. She kind of depends on others to keep her entertained or keep her busy. So for example, when she was living with family, she would always tag along with her family and that would help her pass her time. Now that she's with me, she expects me to fulfill that role, which is difficult for me also because I don't really have the same interests as her family (eating out, etc.) and the things that I DO enjoy (like discussions on Islamic spirituality, history, etc.), she doesn't have much to say, so it's just me doing all the talking and her listening. I really wish she had more friends that she could call up and hang out with from time to time, but she doesn't. So, with this information in mind, any additional advice you could give would be appreciated. :)

With all of that said, I thank the first poster especially, because I do think we spend way too much time together, which leads to each of us getting bored with the other. We do need to spend more time on our own (me especially) with other friends, pursuing hobbies, etc., not to run away from the obligations of marriage but to make time with our spouse worthwhile.

[Haji 2003]

I am very much into trying new things, meeting new people, going new places...she is not really into any of those things.... all they talk about as a family are mundane things like food, restaurants, and masjid politics.

You realise that it is possible to combine the above? I've just come back from Borneo. I like going to new places and fancied Kota Kinabalu. My wife prefers a bit of luxury. So we stayed here:

http://www.shangri-la.com/en/property/kotakinabalu/rasariaresort

Bingo. Compromise solution.

In other instances the difference in interests can be a positive. I remember visiting the shrine of the goddess Melqart in Syria and my wife had no interest at all. So she stayed in the car with the 2 year old, while I took the six year old and we explored. Kids can be great in that respect because you can use them as an excuse to do educational/developmental stuff.

discussing deep Islamic, philosophical, and social topics. On the other hand, she is not really into any of those things....

However the above leads me to think that there's a more deep-seated problem that you have. Finding fault with a spouse because you can't have a deep philosophical discussion with them is a bit weak IMHO.

There's forums all over the internet for you to do this. Just because my wife does not have an interest in a variety of things in which I do, does not mean that there's a problem of any sort. I don't have her deep knowledge of Indian movies. So what?

[Bhooka_Bhairiya]

I don't know why my previous post didn't appear. Anyhow, to repeat myself, why the heck do people not realise that you're encouraged to have multiple wives and slave girls. Of course, it's not possible to have slave girls these days, but one should go for more permanent wives and unlimited mutah wives. Obviously if one is stuck with one woman all his life he'll get bored. Enough with political correctness!

[Simba]

Before marriage, you guys made a deal to "talk once a week". After marriage, you must have a deal to "date once a week". Make sure its proper romantic - it will be enough to take u both through the week.

[shukranlillah]

Salaam.

You must know that a wife is not always for all types of discussions that you need.

If both have common topics then "noorun ala noor". But not everyone gets this "noorun ala noor" thing. So accept the reality. Just be happy with the only 'noor'. :)

Be proud of her simplicity. Her simplicity is a beauty itself. :)

And why u don't find interest at medical related issues? If u bring this topic than may be its easier for her to talk.

May be she can not quote philosophical quotes.... but may be she understands those.

So just talk to her and throw ur ideas... on the end of the year u get ur philosopher wife inshaAllah. LOL like me.

My husband studies philosophy and of course no related to me. I am so simple-headed person. See my activities at virtual world. I never join to any thread of "The Thinker's Discourse" forum. Politics etc is also boring for me. And u know what? I can not feel like join to any off-topic forum or any fun post also. Myyy problem. Though I join various type of virtual discussions but my offline life is different. Simply simple-headed.

Philosophy n Theology etc are not for all and a bit 'different thing'. I must say 'difficult' also.

So this 2+ years I just listend to my hubby. Now, I can 'quote' also. :)

He always tries to throw new ideas. Even if I do not always join to his discussions.. I know what he talks about.. and sometimes I know what he is going to conclude and now ppl say that I am influenced by his-type-ideas.

See it works. Personality sometimes transfers. Or I shud say: rebuilding of personality happens when u can influence others. Lets see how successful u are! :)

I watched a lecture of an Ayatullah today. He was talking on family and children issues. He said if u have baby then say Alhamdulillah for it is a Amanat from Allah. If you do not have baby then also say Alhamdulillah. u dont have to look after an Amanat. If u have abnormal or sick baby say Alhamdulillah. This baby is also an Amanat from Allah. Allah gives different types of amanat to different types of people. That's His choice. Learn to view from this angel rather than complaining like: why Allah didnt give me son? or why abnormal child? or why no child? etc. Try to be happy with what Allah has destined for you.

InshaAllah this lecture helps u.

And another thing. Before my hubby was married, he did seek advice from this same Ayatullah about marriage. The advice of Ayatullah was like a key to a successful marriage.

He said: **Open ur eyes before marriage and then after marriage close ur eyes.**

You have to judge all qualities of that girl before marriage. But after marriage just close ur eyes.. don't look for or look at her faults. Consider her faults as a fault of urself. Deal with her problem as if the problem is urs. Solve her problem as if it is ur problem. If ur problem is not being solved or not solvable... then what u do with urself? Do it for her also. Then u will be lucky to have a successful marriage.

And

Look at your own story from a different angel. Try to view this story from ur wife's angel. She is now quite happy with you. Don't ruin it.. Be her happiness... be her trust... be her entertainment. Feeling the feelings of her can lessen your boredom inshaAllah.

Two cents from my simple brain.

Khoda Hafez

Edited May 1, 2011 by shukranlillah

[habib e najjaar]

Sis Shukranlillah, as always, your posts are heartwarming and enlightening. may Allah (swt) bless you!

[Ya Aba 3abdillah]

1) The pregnancy solution is definitely OUT of the question, for now. We are too young and not settled enough to bring a baby into our lives.

Bro, this is relative thinking. Are there any specific reasons why its out of the question? Will further comment later inshAllah.

Sis Shukranlillah, as always, your posts are heartwarming and enlightening. may Allah (swt) bless you!

hahaha isn't she just the best?!!??!

[habib e najjaar]

The bestest! ^_^

[satyaban]

Bro, this is relative thinking. Are there any specific reasons why its out of the question? Will further comment later inshAllah.

hahaha isn't she just the best?!!??!

Are you listening?

1) The pregnancy solution is definitely OUT of the question, for now. We are too young and not settled enough to bring a baby into our lives.

The reason is the state of the marriage. REread Maryaam's post where it regards pregnancy. More than likely they are not even havibg sex.

You definitely aren't married are you?

[MyHeartYaZahraa]

Salaam Bro,

Can you give us more details about you and your wife please? How old are you n ur wife? what are your guys's educational status?

It sounds to me like your absolutely right, you did not do enough investigation before you got married, and now you are with someone who is very different from you. But mind you this is all a test from God at the end of the day.

you should take one more year and implement the above suggestions, if you find that you are still in the same spot feeling lonely, bored, guilty for having to do things without her, etc. You might want to look into getting a second wife with her permission.

divorce is absolutely last decision u should make after trying everything.

[MyHeartYaZahraa]

Salaam Bro,

Can you give us more details about you and your wife please? How old are you n ur wife? what are your guys's educational status?

It sounds to me like your absolutely right, you did not do enough investigation before you got married, and now you are with someone who is very different from you. But mind you this is all a test from God at the end of the day.

you should take one more year and implement the above suggestions, if you find that you are still in the same spot feeling lonely, bored, guilty for having to do things without her, etc. You might want to look into getting a second wife with her permission.

divorce is absolutely last decision u should make after trying everything.

[Bhooka_Bhairiya]

You might want to look into getting a second wife with her permission.

Why should he ask for permission?

[obedient-servant]

(bismillah)

I think you are pretty selfish to think just for yourself. Marriage takes hard work and compromise and it seems like u are not ready to do any of these. You want her to do all the work but are not willing to change your self one single bit. There could have been 2-3 ways you could have chose to go about dealing with ur wife.

You could have decided to make her happy and treat her with kindness, as is intructed for married men to do in Quran and the ahadith of Ahlul Bayt instruct us to do the same. You could have tried to find out what she likes and what are her likes and dislikes and mold yourself into the kind of person that she would want to be with. She left her house, her life, to be with you. You are the leader of her and of that household of yours. You are supposed to lead. So you lead yourself and her to happiness. Try to learn to be less talkative. You have knowledge of what she is thinking inside her head to know that she doesnt talk much because of reasons other than religious resons? No one can "know" the thoughts/reasons of another person, but yet some people can claim to know them. But without exception, such people make these claims out of their own stupidity and sheer disregard of others. Not only have you not committed yourself to her happiness, you are complaining why she is not coming into your comfort zone and doing things the way you like, while you yourself are not willing to budge at all. You truely have destroyed this girls life and despite your tall claims of being the Islamic Philosopher of the century, you seem to know nothing about the Islamic teachings. My advice would be to beg for forgiveness from Allah and go to your wife and beg for your forgiveness from her also. Never bring up anything that upsets her. Also look at her with a smiling face, willing to do anything for her happiness without complaints. And when u are by yourself, keep yourself busy in crying and repenting for your horrible treatment towards her all this time. Let me know how it goes. Let the repentance begin!

Allahuma saleala hu muhammadin walay muhammad

[Iman]

Salams OP,

Some good advice has already been mentioned.

A lot of it all goes back to expectations. Did you expect to have deep-meaninged, philisophical, spiritual conversations with your wife? Change your expectations. Have none at all, you will be a much much happier person. Every thing that happens thereon, will be a bonus and bring more than a smile to your face.

I'll reiterate that to communicate with her is the most important thing. The first year of marriage is challenging because two completely different worlds/families come together. As an example with my husband his family is very very blunt and direct, my family is very subtle in our communication. I would at times, be sensitive to their bluntness and my husband would be completely oblivious to my/my families subtleties lol! It's taken conversations with one another to 'educate' on the dynamics that go on in each of our family. My husband now knows much better on the subtleties in my communication and I have learned to be more direct. I love him/his family to bits, he loves me/my family to bits but its just made things much much easier now that I/he knows how we all communicate with one another. It could be you misreading her, or she misreading you based on what she's 'used to' happening in her family home.

You really need to speak to your wife, maybe she IS actually communicating with you and is "telling you things" that she may be unhappy with but you may not be picking up on it. And yes girls/women, guys/men bless their souls, do NOT pick up on subtleties, we need to be more clear where possible (in saying that I have seen situations where a wife could not be clearer and the husband could not be denser :lol: )

Does your wife live far away from her family?? Maybe she misses them like crazy. I did especially early on, and my family just lived down the road! Perhaps weekend visits every couple of months is realistic? That way you also get your 'free time'.

Also as already mentioned by sis shukranlillah, your topics of conversation may not be your wife's cup of tea. For example, my eyes have been known to occasionally glaze over when the intricacies of eg Australian law, how to perfectly boil a potato etc are discussed, and depending on how exhausted I am, that could translate to a number of other topics that are usually 'more interesting'.

From a few comments that you have made it seems that you're assuming the reason for wife's 'quietness'. My advice is to never assume you know what is going on, ask her in a gentle way.. it can take time for her to open up if in the past it hasnt been easy or 'safe' to do so, but eventually inshallah she will.

Keep in mind that she may also be sparing your feelings and this is why she is quiet and perhaps comes across 'terse' in her responses - she could be stressed? Be prepared for it, not defensive. Just listen. By opening up this may relieve the stress and/or discuss a potential solution to what could be a simple problem/issue. Be patient you're still early on in your marriage.

[TheNameISignWith]

http://www.islamwome...tails.aspx?id=5

http://www.al-islam.org/flowers/55.htm

http://www.zainab.or...s/page-0020.htm

If there's a proper reason for it, then fine, but boredom is really not a reason.

Thanks for replying back and the links I appreciate it. :)