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bousa

Girl Being Friends With A Guy

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As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Recently, I have been feeling really bad about being friends with guys. I know many people will reply to his saying it is bad and I should stop, I am just looking for an answer on why it is haram. I know many people will not believe me on me saying this but my best friends are guys and never have I looked at them in an inappropriate way and they haven't either. Our friendship is literally exactly how two girls friendship would be, I tell them about all my problems just like normal friends. Recently, I went to a gathering at our Masjid and the speaker said that it was haram to hang out with guys because friendship turns into more and that eventually one of them fall in love with the other. I dont know why, but I am having a very hard time understanding this, because I have never ever been attracted to my guy friends. I really need your thoughts on this. I don't know what to do at this point because now every time I talk to a guy friend I feel guilty and I am so lost.

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awww..i feel you sis :) just a couple of days ago i thought really hard about this topic..but i wasnt going to let MY understanding rule over the understanding of most scholars and the Quran itself. It's hard, i must admit and although i have thought about this many times, i have always tried to convince myself it was right. But the other day i just thought about life as a whole...is it even worth risking to sin...if you think about it..we can make anything seem right whether it was wrong or not if we wanted..but what matters at the end of the day is are you going to follow your desire or Allah's command?

There was a post by one of the brothers about this topic and i found it VERY VERY good..i'll look for it and link you to it Insha Allah..to me..it answered all the questions in my head. If you're going to marry a man..then whether you like it or not, there is a potential of being attracted to your friend and if not you, then him. A lot of friends end up in love woth each other and this leads to sin...so that is why we must stay away from such relationships.

I think i should look for the post now..lol :P

here it is:

http://www.shiachat.com/forum/index.php?/topic/53069-youth-and-relationships/

i hope it helps :)

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i dont know how old you are. I cant explain why you dont feel any attraction to the male gender whatsoever. I see many girls befriending guys and claiming they are just friends etc and i see with my own eyes how such relationships progress and before you know it, it turns into flirting and relationships. btw, when i was doin my placement with a male, i accidently bumped into him a few times over the weeks and it wasnt even a small working area. How can you be best friends with guys and not bump into them or touch them by accident? Dont u find that challenging?

As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Recently, I have been feeling really bad about being friends with guys. I know many people will reply to his saying it is bad and I should stop, I am just looking for an answer on why it is haram. I know many people will not believe me on me saying this but my best friends are guys and never have I looked at them in an inappropriate way and they haven't either. Our friendship is literally exactly how two girls friendship would be, I tell them about all my problems just like normal friends. Recently, I went to a gathering at our Masjid and the speaker said that it was haram to hang out with guys because friendship turns into more and that eventually one of them fall in love with the other. I dont know why, but I am having a very hard time understanding this, because I have never ever been attracted to my guy friends. I really need your thoughts on this. I don't know what to do at this point because now every time I talk to a guy friend I feel guilty and I am so lost.

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i dont know how old you are. I cant explain why you dont feel any attraction to the male gender whatsoever. I see many girls befriending guys and claiming they are just friends etc and i see with my own eyes how such relationships progress and before you know it, it turns into flirting and relationships. btw, when i was doin my placement with a male, i accidently bumped into him a few times over the weeks and it wasnt even a small working area. How can you be best friends with guys and not bump into them or touch them by accident? Dont u find that challenging?

good point! So even if you have no attraction towards your guy friends, you get the sin for bumping into him whether on purpose or not. In a work environment its okay because its not like you chose to be there with him. And say for example your hair shows or the wind blows your scarf and he see's your nech, etc..you will get the sin. So really, its for your own good :)

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I really do not see how a platonic friendship can exists between a boy and a girl over the long term. But then I have not seen the whole world also.

Lets look at what friendship is generally assumed to be


Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

The tendency to desire what is best for the other
Sympathy and empathy
Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
Mutual understanding and compassion
Trust in one another (able to express feelings - including in relation to the other's actions - without the fear of being judged); able to go to each other for emotional support
Positive reciprocity - a relationship is based on equal give and take between the two parties.

The above type of friendship cannot be achieved without sharing personal information or some level of intimacy. And once you start sharing personal information (forget about being intimate) you are inviting someone into your private life. Agreed that friends are to help you with your life, but life is not three or four years that one can say so and so is my friend and then two days down the line the friendship is over. In those cases friendship was never there. You were merely coexisting.

I have many male colleagues in office and had several in shool but not everyone I came in contact with is my friend. They are just co-workers or school mates and I prefer them to keep to that. Inviting someone in my personal affairs is a major decision that I cannot make on a whim.

That is to fellow gender. Now imagine, some has a close type of friendship with opposite gender. After marriage how would the spouse feel?

Imagine your husband coming to know that there are other men (who she could have married if she wanted) who know her more than he does? who know more about her than he does? that you are sharing matters with some male other than him?

Worse, imagine there are fellow females who know your husband more than him. They know each and everything thing about him since school days. and he would rather share some matters with them than you because he is already more "comfortable" talking to them?

I dont know about others, but most people would not be able to stand that. Unless of course they are in the same boat having such kinds of friendships themselves, Or you are married to one of those friends. Else no person with self esteem prefers to share their personal life matters with someone with whom such friendship will never last.

Before committing to any friendship, ask yourself that if i were to get married a few years down the line, would my spouse be happy to know that I have had these kinds of friends?

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(bismillah)

(salam)

A few reasons come to mind, I'm sure there are many more.

The first thing is that Islam is a preventive religion. The rules are such that instead of realizing that we have sinned once the sin has occured, the roads to sin are blocked altogether. For example, some people claim they can drink small quantities of alcohol without getting intoxicated. Islam does not say "drink until you're intoxicated" but rather forbids drinking altogether. Furthermore, even if it were to fix an allowed quantity (which isn't the case) the transition between sober and intoxicated is not clear cut and well defined, and one could end up drinking, thinking that they are sober, and already begin to enter a state of intoxication.

Similarly, Islam doesn't wait for men and women to reach the stage where they are on the brink of fornication, and perhaps too far ahead to restrain themselves. It avoids physical contact altogether. Note that fornication doesn't usually take place simultaneously, but is built up through stages. First the two individuals have to be comfortable enough to touch one another (initially under a "friendly" pretext, eventually in a flirtatious manner) and gradually they move on to further levels of intimacy (generally speaking). Islam not only completely prevents physical contact, but also reduces social interaction to a minimum. Unnecessary conversations are discouraged, and the manner of speech should also be conservative and to the point. This, coupled with the other correct rules of hijab (for both sexes) permits for a healthy framework within which there is little scope for illicit relationships and interactions.

The second thing relates to the institution of marriage. Marriage is not only a physical and spiritual relationship, but also a social one. The husband and wife are companions. Previous friendships with the opposite sex would remove the novelty and perhaps the strength of the social relationship between two life companions. If a male or female have had previous friendships with members of the opposite gender, then the friendship that they share with their partner would be, knowingly or unknowingly, compared to previous friendships and it would lose it's unique nature. To try and put this in simple words, a man might find his wife boring if he had previous female friends who were relatively more interesting, or a woman might find her husband tiresome if she previously had male friends whose company she enjoyed more. The social interaction between a man and a woman is strongest if it is unique, and not comparable to previous friendships.

As I said, there are probably more reasons as well, but these are the two that I would suggest.

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hold on, it is islamically forbidden due to the said reasons above. but what if you are just co-workers and you havent shared anything personal and they arent classified as a friend either but you are working with them .and they fall in love with you?.. what do you then?

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it is fine as long as there is no sex between u 2 and u stay just friends.

Don't shoot fatwas please.

Man la yahdhuruhul faqih:

æäåì Çä ÊÊßáã ÇáãÑÃÉ ÚäÏ ÛíÑ ÒæÌåÇ Çæ ÛíÑ Ðì ãÍÑã ãäåÇ ÇßËÑ ãä ÎãÓ ßáãÇÊ ããÇ áÇÈÏ áåÇ ãäå

Prophet(PBUH) said "............woman should not speak to any man other than her husband or mahram more than 5 sentences if she must speak to him.............."

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it is fine as long as there is no sex between u 2 and u stay just friends.

Your clown-like posts always make me laugh, though sometimes there's a gem in there.

There CANNOT be any friendship between the two genders unless they are your maHram. Full stop. Anybody who says otherwise is trying to fool you. And be even more wary of the virtual world. It is far more deceiving than the real one.

Females do not think similarly as males. And I can relate to some extent when you say that you are not attracted towards the other gender. Males, on the other hand, most of the lot, zero in on any and every female they spy, in the real world and otherwise. In the virtual world, you are exposed through your characterisation of your posts/blogs/messages. Make a few posts; there is bound to be the ever-lusting sex drooling on you.

Be your own saviour.

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Your clown-like posts always make me laugh, though sometimes there's a gem in there.

There CANNOT be any friendship between the two genders unless they are your maHram. Full stop. Anybody who says otherwise is trying to fool you. And be even more wary of the virtual world. It is far more deceiving than the real one.

Females do not think similarly as males. And I can relate to some extent when you say that you are not attracted towards the other gender. Males, on the other hand, most of the lot, zero in on any and every female they spy, in the real world and otherwise. In the virtual world, you are exposed through your characterisation of your posts/blogs/messages. Make a few posts; there is bound to be the ever-lusting sex drooling on you.

Be your own saviour.

Dont call me a clown, be respectful.

sex is haram before marriage, friendship is strongly encouraged and mostahab.

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^ Brother Ali Saleh, can you please be respectful in the manner in which you communicate. This is a forum, used by sisters, youngsters. Would you talk to your sister like that, if she asked you if its permissible for her to be friends with non-mahrams? And please, pulling out your own fatwas and injecting your own opinions into Islam.

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^ Brother Ali Saleh, can you please be respectful in the manner in which you communicate. This is a forum, used by sisters, youngsters. Would you talk to your sister like that, if she asked you if its permissible for her to be friends with non-mahrams? And please, pulling out your own fatwas and injecting your own opinions into Islam.

Of course i would. Being friends is ok as long as no sex. I dont have a sister but if my cousins asked me i would say the same thing.

U r saying to me to be respectful???????? He called me a clown and I didnt even insult him.

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Dont call me a clown, be respectful.

He called me a clown and I didnt even insult him.

Chill kid! I didn't call you a clown. I clearly stated that about your posts; in simpler language, it meant your posts are amusing (and dare I say... ludicrous).

And I am no "him" :dry:

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U r saying to me to be respectful???????? He called me a clown and I didnt even insult him.

She called your posts clown-like, which is kind of a compliment if you were trying to make us laugh.

But seriously, your opinion about male-female relationship contradicts everything we know about communication between the opposite genders that are not mahram.

Here, you need to be extra-cautious and not write the first thing that came into your head. Think a little bit, refer to the Quran and the hadeeths and then write your post.

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She called your posts clown-like, which is kind of a compliment if you were trying to make us laugh.

But seriously, your opinion about male-female relationship contradicts everything we know about communication between the opposite genders that are not mahram.

Here, you need to be extra-cautious and not write the first thing that came into your head. Think a little bit, refer to the Quran and the hadeeths and then write your post.

I live a good islamic life and i dont say thins that i dont follow myself. Making freinds is mostahab. its sex that is haram.

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Think a little bit, refer to the Quran and the hadeeths and then write your post.

EErrrrr...this guy thinks Ayatullah Khamenei is the Imam of our time(naodhubillah) so telling him to refer to Qur'an, hadith etc is useless. As per his logic, since girls and guys go out in Iran "right under the nose of the imam" then it must be OK. Read his posts in the music thread and you'll know what I mean.

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Friendship is encouraged with the same gender. Because there is potential that you might be attracted to your friend, like the brother stated above prevention is better than cure.

Also, Allah tells us in the Holy Quran to lower our gaze...does that mean anything to you?

To the person that asked about falling in love with a coworker, i believe it is halaal as long as he approaches you/your parents for marriage. But if you start having social discussions and eye contact etc, it becomes haraam.

I hope all is well understood :)

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other than religious consideration, for a solid marriage any other emotional attachment should never/can never be shared to any other opposite sex no matter how (relatively) small it holds place in our heart... ... and another advice, dont really give your heart and feeling to someone whom you think so certainly will be your future spouse, give it only after marriage... (i am still trying to undo this effect myself before i finally marry in the future... it was a mistake... )

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If your attractive no guy will EVER be your friend. Even if your mildly attractive no guy will EVER be your friend (even if you think your unattractive, guys will still find you attractive). We always have ulterior motives when being friends so never think its platonic from our side. And while some muslim guys might be "friends" because they see you as a potential wife many others (muslim and non-muslim) will see you as a conquest (yes, there are guys who love to break a religious girls modesty and get them into fornication no matter how much a girl thinks she won't).

You have to be a guy to know what other guys talk about. Chances are that really great guy you think is your friend is telling all HIS friends how he's going to "sweet talk that muslim girl into becoming a freak" (yes they say stuff like that).

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If your attractive no guy will EVER be your friend. Even if your mildly attractive no guy will EVER be your friend (even if you think your unattractive, guys will still find you attractive). We always have ulterior motives when being friends so never think its platonic from our side. And while some muslim guys might be "friends" because they see you as a potential wife many others (muslim and non-muslim) will see you as a conquest (yes, there are guys who love to break a religious girls modesty and get them into fornication no matter how much a girl thinks she won't).

You have to be a guy to know what other guys talk about. Chances are that really great guy you think is your friend is telling all HIS friends how he's going to "sweet talk that muslim girl into becoming a freak" (yes they say stuff like that).

im aguy and i dont feel like that at all and i have many femail friends is school.

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It's haram because it says in the Holy Quran... 'Don't approach adultry (zina)'.

Also, per the well know hadith, 'There is not a situation where an unmarried man and women are alone together that the Shaitan is not the third one with them...'

So any close friendship between a girl and boy or man and women who are not married is approaching zina, adultry.

This is because men and women are designed a certain way, and this is by design that the man and women will naturally try to progress the relationship

and this will eventually lead to zina or an approach to zina if they are not married.

There is no such a thing as a static relationship between a man and women, either it is getting more intimate or less intimate.

Any women or man who thinks they are in a static relationship with the opposite sex is deceiving themselves.

That is why we muslims keep very strict boundaries in this area, because there is a huge potential for things to go the wrong way

a way which will harm both man and women

Edited by Abu Hadi

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It's haram because it says in the Holy Quran... 'Don't approach adultry (zina)'.

Also, per the well know hadith, 'There is not a situation where an unmarried man and women are alone together that the Shaitan is not the third one with them...'

So any close friendship between a girl and boy or man and women who are not married is approaching zina, adultry.

This is because men and women are designed a certain way, and this is by design that the man and women will naturally try to progress the relationship

and this will eventually lead to zina or an approach to zina if they are not married.

There is no such a thing as a static relationship between a man and women, either it is getting more intimate or less intimate.

Any women or man who thinks they are in a static relationship with the opposite sex is deceiving themselves.

That is why we muslims keep very strict boundaries in this area, because there is a huge potential for things to go the wrong way

a way which will harm both man and women

you just need self control. leik i said i am friends with girls at school and have never had these thoughts that you mention abut them.

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you just need self control. leik i said i am friends with girls at school and have never had these thoughts that you mention abut them.

You need self control in life, in general, but self control doesn't change your nature which Allah(s.w.a) created you with. Just because you haven't had those thoughts

yet doesn't mean you never will have them. Be careful.

The other point that you have to understand is the way the Shaitan works. If you are a practicing muslim, (pray, fast, khums, zakat, etc), then he is not going to put the thought of doing zina in your head directly. He works on people in stages. The first thing that happens is that he diminishes something in your eyes that is in fact dangerous. So then you think of something as 'no big deal' which actually is a big deal. If you study that authentic ahadith on this subject, you will see it is big deal. Some of these ahadith have already been mentioned. Also, you may not have these thoughts with this group of girls that are your friends now, but once the door is open to close personal friendships with women whom you are not mahram, you will repeat this habit in the future and maybe the next girl you are friends with, the situation might be different. So in the absence of a personal policy on this issue, you cannot be assured that you won't approach zina in the future.

If you think these actions are inline with Islam, then cite me a single example (sahih hadith) of our Prophet(p.b.u.h) or any of our Imams(a.s) spending any significant amount of time with women who they were not mahram to. If anyone can bring one example, then I will reconsider my position. As it says in the Holy Quran(translation) 'Bring your evidence, if you are truthful'.

Edited by Abu Hadi

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I'm going off the beaten path here: I don't think it's a terrible idea to be friends with the opposite gender. I know that it's unislamic to have friends of the opposite gender, but marriage only becomes harder and harder to achieve once you get older. I think that marriage because of friendship is a good thing-- it presents marriage opportunities to people who wouldn't otherwise have those opportunities. I've known of such love marriages that people would never have thought of setting up through the traditional process because they were from different sub-cultures, for example.

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In The Name of Allah The Beneficent The Merciful

May peace and His blessing be upon Prophet Muhammad and his family

Assalammualaykum, sis

just want to share this hadith with you, maybe it can be of any help :)

Prophet Muhammad said:

"Every Muslim should try to select the best companion for the life span. A companion could be a friend from the same gender. If the companion is to be from the other gender, then that companion should be a spouse to live together within the confines of rules and regulations."

And this one:

Speaking with non-Mahrams

From a fatwa by Imam Khumayni: A woman can talk to a non-mahram man given the conditions below:

· Not for out of a desire to satisfy one's lustful pleasure

· No chance of falling into haraam

· Not with intention of enticing that man into doing something haraam

· Not speak in a way that is arousing, for example making her voice thin and soft andinviting so that he desires her

· Not say things that are arousing

And overall, for a woman to speak with a non-mahram man in conditions where the benefit does not outweigh the potential harm is makrooh.

Pastedfrom <http://www.islamic-l...ebookethics.htm>

Wish you the best,

with the prayer of success,

Siti :)

Edited by siti

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(salam)

I think a distinction needs to be made between "friend" and "colleague/classmate/acquaintance".

Friend is someone you hang out with and share your feelings with. To have a friend (my definition) of the opposite gender should be avoided as it may lead to haram.

For colleagues/classmates/acquaintances, well you can't really avoid them (depending on where you work/study) so I think you're just meant to speak only when necessary.

Edited by Replicant

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Salam,

I think its ok for you to be friends with guys as long as you dont put yourself in potentially haram situations like being alone with them in their house or something like that. Being friends is always good and i dont really think its bad if you end up falling in love, you can just get married.

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I didn't read the whole topic, but I'm fairly sure everybody spoke, more-or-less, what I'm about to state. Regardless, I'll put forth my opinion.

There ALWAYS is certain level of attraction between males and females. That's how we're programmed, we're born ingrained with this force of attraction. Now, surely, most males and females CAN stay being just friends without feeling much attracted to each other, I'm not denying that. But only when both of the individuals [the male friend and the female friend] lacks the traits/qualities that they find attractive. For example: Let's hypothetically assume that there are two friends, Jack and Jill. Jill is attracted to traits like confidence, humor, power, intelligence, wealth etc in males. Jack, on the other hand, is attracted to certain physical qualities in females. They CAN continue to stay friends without having significant level of attraction sparked between them if Jack is not humorous, powerful, intelligent, wealthy etc, and Jill lacks the physical qualities Jack finds alluring. But again, I'm crossing my fingers here, certain level of attraction [even in absence of attractive qualities] continues to exist, at conscious or sub-conscious level, between males and females, because this impulse is programmed within us by evolutionary forces. It just that, in absence of attractive qualities, attraction is rendered quite weak. So the "just friend" non-sense is just that: Non-sense, in my opinion.

Females, at least from what I've observed, are way more choosy and picky as compared to males. They don't get caught up by the choke-hold of this naturally pre-wired impulse called "Attraction". It takes a lot to activate sense of [significant] attraction to males. Males, on the other hand, are quite the opposite in comparison. So, in my humble opinion, it's harder for males to stay being "just friends".

Now, the real question is, can males and females stay being "just friends" EVEN if they're significantly attracted to each other? Like, someone might say: Hey! There is something called "self-control" and we can control ourselves from getting swayed by male/female charms! My opinion: Good luck. You can control yourself from doing something vile in nature, sure. It's going to be hard, but possible. BUT, as soon as attraction is activated, you'll crave for each others' company [and even crave to sexual desires for each other]. And, when that happens, you've just pushed yourself in a very unnecessary swamp. You've got yourself addicted and much like any drug, you can wash it off your system but it's going to be a battle. You might even get hurt [emotionally], and it's going to be a lonely-LONELY battle.

So, I say any close "friendship" between males and females and such mingling should be avoided. AND I'M NOT A MUSLIM!!!

Edited by The Exalted One

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im aguy and i dont feel like that at all and i have many femail friends is school.

LOL how old are you bro? you been watching too much Jersey Shore

If it is, then forgive me for not attributing it to Imam Ali (as). I wasn't aware.

It is i read it the other day. You got a good subconsious bro :) I say Seinfeld lines and you ripping out sayings of our Imam.

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