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In the Name of God بسم الله

Marriages Of Raped Women

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  • Advanced Member

salaam

how can a raped girl get married? it was not her fault that she was raped or gang raped. what should we do to make them happily married.

and suppose, in future, if some man proposes the girl, should the girl tell the man that she is not a virgin and was raped in the past or not? will some man marry a girl who is not a virgin? in subcontinent most men prefer virgin women.

please share your opinions about the matter.

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The Prophet himself only had one virgin wife, Abu Bakr's daughter, Aisha. His other wives were all matrons. So, if you ask me, any man who looks down on another man for marrying a matron lawfully looks down upon Muhammad(pbuh)

In regards to raped women, The Quran has the answer to this in that it mentions our Lord will not lay a burden on a souls that is not our fault and that we had no control over. Man and Woman are judged by their own actions that they are responsible for.

As far as to how one should go about marrying one as they are: defiled then it may be proper to go through the same process as with divorced women.

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The Prophet himself only had one virgin wife, Abu Bakr's daughter, Aisha. His other wives were all matrons. So, if you ask me, any man who looks down on another man for marrying a matron lawfully looks down upon Muhammad(pbuh)

In regards to raped women, The Quran has the answer to this in that it mentions our Lord will not lay a burden on a souls that is not our fault and that we had no control over. Man and Woman are judged by their own actions that they are responsible for.

As far as to how one should go about marrying one as they are: defiled then it may be proper to go through the same process as with divorced women.

To the person above bibi Khadijah (pbuh) was also a virgin. Please look into a lecture by br. Amaar nakashwani titled biography of bibi Khadijah and a few misconceptions around her.

Thanks

Abbas

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To the person above bibi Khadijah (pbuh) was also a virgin. Please look into a lecture by br. Amaar nakashwani titled biography of bibi Khadijah and a few misconceptions around her.

Thanks

Abbas

I was referring primarily to the wives after Khadija's death. I didn't speak of Khadija mainly because her age when she married Muhammad. I knew that I had not read of any other husbands before Muhammad, but because she was much older than Muhammad, I didn't want to say anything I wasn't quite sure of or couldn't remember from my studies.

Edited by Saintly_Jinn23
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  • Advanced Member

Salam

In my *personal* opinion, i think it would be morally wrong of a man to turn down a woman just because she was raped.

Rape has nothing to do with virginity, she would still be considered virgin because she did not willfully go with another man

So a raped girl can get married, the same way any other woman would

And, for the psychological needs of the woman the potential husband should know she was raped, so he knows not to mistreat or abuse her, since she obviously has been thru enough

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The Prophet himself only had one virgin wife, Abu Bakr's daughter, Aisha. His other wives were all matrons.

prophet's first wife, Khadija, was also a virgin and was not married to anyone before. its only a misconception. now lets move to the topic

In regards to raped women, The Quran has the answer to this in that it mentions our Lord will not lay a burden on a souls that is not our fault and that we had no control over. Man and Woman are judged by their own actions that they are responsible for.

As far as to how one should go about marrying one as they are: defiled then it may be proper to go through the same process as with divorced women.

well said brother

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Sure? I've always read that bibi Khadijah (as) had married and become war widow twice before (and had children with at least the first husband and maybe the second too) before marrying the prophet (as)...

just one source: http://www.al-islam.org/biographies/khadija.htm

Edited by Zeynab-europe
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Sure? I've always read that bibi Khadijah (as) had married and become war widow twice before (and had children with at least the first husband and maybe the second too) before marrying the prophet (as)...

just one source: http://www.al-islam.org/biographies/khadija.htm

Yes, m sure. those three girls named Zainab, Kulsoom and Ruqayya were not Khadeeja's real daughters rather they were her sister's daughters and Khadeeja was mentoring them. It is a misconcecption that those three were Khadeeja's real daughters. Anyways this is not the topic we are discussing here. Please share your thoughts and opinions about the topic.

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  • Advanced Member

salaam

how can a raped girl get married? it was not her fault that she was raped or gang raped. what should we do to make them happily married.

and suppose, in future, if some man proposes the girl, should the girl tell the man that she is not a virgin and was raped in the past or not? will some man marry a girl who is not a virgin? in subcontinent most men prefer virgin women.

please share your opinions about the matter.

salam

of course its not their fault, this happened without their consent.... they should be treated humanly and not looked down upon!

in my opinion, yes, the girl should tell the man... after all, wouldnt you want an honest relationship? if the man rejects than hes looked down at her in the wrong way, and shouldnt because she is human and deserves respect.

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As for the topic: well as many above said, it's a terrible thing that has happened to this girl against her will, and does NOT NOT NOT I repeat NOT affect her chastity in any way! So it shouldn't be any issue to her candidates, and those in the community who know should KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT! And in the subcontinent the boys and their aunties just need to put their cultural bias aside.

However, what the girl has experienced will bring "issues" into the bedroom, and the groom should not only know where these issues come from, but also he will need a lot of patience, understanding and love to turn physical initmacy into something positive instead of the horror it is to a rape victim, especially when it's been her only sexual experience (opposed to a widow or a divorcee, who may have serious problems due to the rape too, but has positive associations to resort to as well).

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As for the topic: well as many above said, it's a terrible thing that has happened to this girl against her will, and does NOT NOT NOT I repeat NOT affect her chastity in any way! So it shouldn't be any issue to her candidates, and those in the community who know should KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT! And in the subcontinent the boys and their aunties just need to put their cultural bias aside.

However, what the girl has experienced will bring "issues" into the bedroom, and the groom should not only know where these issues come from, but also he will need a lot of patience, understanding and love to turn physical initmacy into something positive instead of the horror it is to a rape victim, especially when it's been her only sexual experience (opposed to a widow or a divorcee, who may have serious problems due to the rape too, but has positive associations to resort to as well).

Couldn't have said anything here better my self, it's really sad especially the cultural bias, which will turn the girl into something unwanted as opposed to a victim. I remember when I was a child and I asked my mum what happens to these girls, she told me no one in the community will marry them except old men, and that is usually last resort. It's just awful that society decides to take away her chastity and put their personal value stamp on it.

To make a girl like this happily married the husband should also not let his mind ponder about the rape, "how did she get raped in the first place" or "how do i know she didn't go sleep around afterwards", because these ideologies seem to be stamped in the minds of many middle eastern and western asian cultures, which is the reason raped girls are devalued.

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How's a raped girl any different than any other girl in terms of marriage? Does she grow horns after rape?

If the man feels that the woman is beneath him due to having been raped, then he too should be raped to make them both equal... problem solved?

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About a week ago, multiple news channels showed a news that two girls were coming back home from some party a bit late night. Then a car coming on high speed hit their car from the back. Both cars stopped. Girls came out just to face the fact that there were four men in the car who hit them. The men beat one of the girls and kidnapped the other one and raped her all night and in the morning left her at the same place where she was been kidnapped. This was a very horrible news. It made me think about such victims. Should not there be any NGO or a social welfare party dedicated to get such women married.

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  • Advanced Member

(bismillah)

(salam)

There is no need for her to tell her husband that such a thing has happened, all she has to do is to take care of her iddat

and carry on life normally .

in case there are proposals where the boy is keen to marry a virgin only. Better reject such proposals, because if they find out, or you tell them , either way they will reject you and you also run the risk of slander.

after all, Allah is SATTAR - UL- OYOOB, (the keeper of human failings a secret). He will protect His creature.

Inshallah, praying for the well being of all the momenin and momenat. to find their match.

ali

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  • Advanced Member

salaam

how can a raped girl get married? it was not her fault that she was raped or gang raped. what should we do to make them happily married.

and suppose, in future, if some man proposes the girl, should the girl tell the man that she is not a virgin and was raped in the past or not? will some man marry a girl who is not a virgin? in subcontinent most men prefer virgin women.

please share your opinions about the matter.

In my personal opinion, I think it is wrong for a man to soley reject a woman for this reason. However, I really don't believe that a raped girl can have a happy married life, so I think she should never marry.

Its easy to overcome the initial barriers - ie, these days in out culture most guys won't ask you if you are a virgin (but you do have the occasional idiot who will and then ask why etc...) and so the topic won't come up, im sure. But then, after marriage I just dont see how a raped girl would be able to live a normal happy married life.

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In my personal opinion, I think it is wrong for a man to soley reject a woman for this reason. However, I really don't believe that a raped girl can have a happy married life, so I think she should never marry.

Its easy to overcome the initial barriers - ie, these days in out culture most guys won't ask you if you are a virgin (but you do have the occasional idiot who will and then ask why etc...) and so the topic won't come up, im sure. But then, after marriage I just dont see how a raped girl would be able to live a normal happy married life.

Assuming not every single girl gets raped wouldn't it be reasonable that the husband knows if his wife was married before or not?

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Yeh of course. But you can find that out in a way other than by asking "are you a virgin?"

Although you are talking about the pre marriage conversations here (i think) but if a girl is not virgin her husband, after marriage, will find out and wonder how she has "lost" it. So if he asks politely "were you married before?" (instead of "are you virgin?") then it shouldn't be a problem unless the girl has fornicated. And in case she has done the deed then she can't just hide it like that. This is because if something about someone is hidden, ie has no apparent signs, then no one (including the husband) would feel the least obliged to know about it. On the other hand when something is apparent then you do deserve to know about it. I don't know why it should be an awkward or embarrassing thing. The girl's virginity is there for a reason. Similarly for instance, if a guy was bald I don't find any reason why he shouldn't tell the truth about how he "lost" his hair (I know losing hair and virginity is not the same thing but both can carry similar "embarrassment" weight).

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I think there's always ways to ask that question differently. I'd never dream of asking that to a guy....i might say "have you been in other relationships in the past?" to get around the subject, but i'd never ask directly. It's too personal at the initial stages, and for a girl who's been raped probably even more so. Sometimes a bit of sensitivity around certain subjects is needed.

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Yes that is understandable. I think if girls had this unfortunate thing happened to them they shouldn't feel bad or embarrassed about it. After all, people, particularly women, need sympathy for their sufferings, and sharing it is a way of achieving the desired sympathy. Anyone who doesn't sympathise with genuine sufferings then they have some problem. Also it is not good that it be locked in the heart forever.

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How's a raped girl any different than any other girl in terms of marriage? Does she grow horns after rape?

If the man feels that the woman is beneath him due to having been raped, then he too should be raped to make them both equal... problem solved?

Amen!

Now i've got that Antoine Dodson clip in my head d'oh!

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This is a No Brainier!

As per Islam, especially some of the prophet Muhammed's (pbuh) sayings (if you take those hadith as sahih) There is only a couple of things you should strive to look for in a potential spouse, and one of them isent even of previous marriages...let alone if the girl was violated against her will.

Obviously, it might be good to know if a girl has been in previous relationships in the past, as there is a "potential" that it may give you a clue about her character(which is one of the things in Islam that you should look for in a spouse-Good Character and Piety). But if you don't research it properly then there is also that "potential" that it can mislead you about her character. Also, with the sensitivity of the questions, be it legal relationship or unlawful or even Rape, it can carry a lot of emotional baggage with it of all sorts.

Jen was right in this case when she said that you need to be tactical when asking your potential spouse these types of questions. Yes, I know, maybe it is your right (I dunno about that) to know about your partners previous relationshipand it's also a fact that the vast majority of people would like to know the histories of the people they are about to (Inshallah) devout their lives to after Allah swt. However, you need to be very calculating and strategic (I know, Im sounding like its a war, but I swear, Iv heard stories where in some cases it is!) about how you bring up, phrase and tone the question. Also, your spouse/potential may be giving you little hints on this throughout the relationship or pre relationship and you have to try to always keep an eye open for this. Don't over analyze everything she says or does, as that can lead to even more problems, but defiantly analyze within reason because not doing so may also bring up problems.

I know I know, Women are very complicated creachers. :wacko:

P.S: There are other ways you can get the answer to this question, if you feel to uncomfortable or shy to ask it yourself. For example you can get your parents or whoever is doing the networking for you to find out (but make sure to give them a reminder that it's a sensitive issue, as with some of their older age/pre-disposition and defiantly cultural stereotype, they may forget the sensitivity of it in the 21st century west) or if you know any mutual friends of the family or if you have any mutual friends between you that you really trust, you could ask them if they know/to find out.

I know, we all strive for those relationships where everything is out in the open and we feel comfortable talking to our spouse about many/all issues etc etc, and that is really what you should strive for as you develop your marriage. So unless your that 0.000001% that understand women, your spouse and have an amazing openness and confidence right of the bat with your [to-be] spouse, then the reality is that faith, trust and friendship in one another grows as your relationship outlasts and out mauvers problems that pop up. In layman's terms, over r time, and that's absolutely nothing to be ashamed about.

DISCLAIMER

I am not advising that people go against there compatibility..because it is well known that there are other factors that both partners in the relationship have to take into account (there compatibility in the physical, intellectual and so on) <and these are also mentioned in hadith> But what Islam prescribes, in the sense of what to look for in a spouse, that advice should be taken with great heed and put primary before all else, but that doesn't negate the other aspects that you should also attempt to find in a person.

The luckiest people are the people who find those who have the qualities of a great Islamic spouse along with being compatible in other areas.

For Example, I know some guys who, one of there pre-conditions for marriage is that the wife needs to know how to cook, although that is not an Islamic Criteria, it is a personal compatibility issue.

And I know some Girls who's pre-conditions is that the guy needs to be very sensitive in his personality...again, not an Islamic criteria [pre say] but a personal compatibility issue.

But then again marriage is about building each others Iman's, Intellect, offering emotional support for each other, bettering yourself and each other all around....and that dreaded, dreaded word (especially for guys...or me at least)----------)compromise :cry:

Because I like to have my cake and eat it to

:angel:

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In my personal opinion, I think it is wrong for a man to soley reject a woman for this reason. However, I really don't believe that a raped girl can have a happy married life, so I think she should never marry.

Its easy to overcome the initial barriers - ie, these days in out culture most guys won't ask you if you are a virgin (but you do have the occasional idiot who will and then ask why etc...) and so the topic won't come up, im sure. But then, after marriage I just dont see how a raped girl would be able to live a normal happy married life.

What ? are you sure!

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This is a No Brainier!

As per Islam, especially some of the prophet Muhammed's (pbuh) sayings (if you take those hadith as sahih) There is only a couple of things you should strive to look for in a potential spouse, and one of them isent even of previous marriages...let alone if the girl was violated against her will.

can anyone share such hadees

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In my personal opinion, I think it is wrong for a man to soley reject a woman for this reason. However, I really don't believe that a raped girl can have a happy married life, so I think she should never marry.

Its easy to overcome the initial barriers - ie, these days in out culture most guys won't ask you if you are a virgin (but you do have the occasional idiot who will and then ask why etc...) and so the topic won't come up, im sure. But then, after marriage I just dont see how a raped girl would be able to live a normal happy married life.

What an awful thing to say. Poor girl - you think she'd be happier growing old alone and having no kids, labelled an outcast by society?

If you're saying this simply because of the negative connotations she now associates with sex, do realize that a caring husband can help her to overcome this. I'm sure that's a much better solution than just letting her live the rest of her life without getting over these psychological obstacles. I believe such girls have every right to a normal and happy married life, just as the rest of us do.

salam.gifwa

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(salam)

Women who have been raped can marry if they wish. And maybe by getting married they will be curing their fear of men or other types of fears. In future, these women may also have children who will make them really happy. So, why shouldn’t they get married?

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • Advanced Member

It is perfectly okay for them to get married. The only problem is getting a husband.

Now the culture in such that all men want to marry virgin woman (ironically, even if they themselves were fooling around).

Then just as there are men who look at a potential spouses qualities and do not mind marrying a divorcee or a widow, there are some who do not mind marring a raped woman also.

However, since marriage is based on trust, it is best to tell the potential husband about this. If he really wants to marry the woman and her personality then he will still marry, but if he wants to marry her just for the body, he wont. And its best to disregard proposals from people who just want to marry for the body. IMO.

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What an awful thing to say. Poor girl - you think she'd be happier growing old alone and having no kids, labelled an outcast by society?

If you're saying this simply because of the negative connotations she now associates with sex, do realize that a caring husband can help her to overcome this. I'm sure that's a much better solution than just letting her live the rest of her life without getting over these psychological obstacles. I believe such girls have every right to a normal and happy married life, just as the rest of us do.

salam.gifwa

It may seem like an awful thing to say - but really, I think its in her best interests to not marry. Of course, they have evrey right to marry, I'm not doubting that.

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Please bring your basis for this opinion.

It is just an opinion. I believe its in her best interests not to marry as marriage will involve things she might find difficult, bring back bad memories of her ordeal and I don't think she would appreciate marriage in the way it should be appreciated. It would be more of a chore.

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  • Advanced Member

As per Islam, especially some of the prophet Muhammed's (pbuh) sayings (if you take those hadith as sahih) There is only a couple of things you should strive to look for in a potential spouse, and one of them isent even of previous marriages...let alone if the girl was violated against her will.

There certainly are aHadith to this effect, of preference of marrying a virgin woman and of the preference of a virgin woman marrying a virgin man.

These are certainly not priority considerations but that does not negate the fact that there are very many considerations that have been reported from the ma`Sumeen (as).

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