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In the Name of God بسم الله

Best Way To Explain To A Girl....

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thatguy33

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yah but those "lots of ppl" satisfy themselves , which is absolutely haram, theres no way ur gona tel me that those "lots of ppl" are super religious enuf to fast almost everyday and lower their gaze and and and in order to control themselves, and even doin that how long can they last?

we dont live in mud hutts without internet anymore thats the biggest issue.

u dont have to be super religious to control urself, if when u were little u lower ur gaze and didnt do harm u can stay good still u get married but if u keep on looking at females then u cant handle urself.

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u dont have to be super religious to control urself, if when u were little u lower ur gaze and didnt do harm u can stay good still u get married but if u keep on looking at females then u cant handle urself.

so u think all those ppl that dont do mutah are not doin aaaaanything else?

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Eh...it depends on the age and on the individual, but I think most young women in their teens and early 20s are just looking for some fun and companionship. I think the mindset that everyone she dates is a potential husband is not really that common anymore. Young women are interested ultimately in marriage, and if a relationship continues and progresses well, they will think more and more about it with that individual. But the typical default thing sought at the start of a relationship is someone to share fun and affection with. That's about all a young woman is looking for at the start of things, much the same as what a young man is looking for. It's very much a flexible, open, "see where it leads and have some pleasant times while figuring out where it will lead."

To the OP:

I think at the outset of a muta'a relationship, all that is really relevant to tell the young woman is that at the start , you mutually set an initial mutually agreeable time limit as an initial foreseeable horizon, and that this time horizon can be extended if they both have an interest in continuing and taking it further. Maybe a week or two at first, if you see enough interest in each other, you can extend that after to a few months, and then take it one step at a time after that. Another thing important to communcate is that the relationship is that no one is trapped by those time terms. If one or both realize along the way that it is not working out, they can simply dissolve it. Another point to clarify is that while muta'a frees the two of you to take it wherever you agree to take it, by agreeing to a muta'a she does not obligate herself to anything. One final thing that is essential to communicate is that monogamy is required during the course of the relationship. An advice to the young man: while shariah does not strictly require monogamy of you, a young Western woman in a relationship with you will almost certainly expect you to be monogamous while you're with her.

At the outset, I don't think it is necessary to inform the young woman if you are not really interested in a long term relationship or if your parents are such that they wouldn't approve of a permanent marriage even if you were. This is going to be too much information for most young women. At the start, just let it go where it will. Most men a woman dates things go nowhere anyway. A large number of first dates don't get a second, a certain pecentage only make the second date, and the third date, etc. However, if things carry on beyond a certain point, could be a few months, could be a year, things start to get serious enough that you may need to be upfront about where things are going or not going so that things can be broken if need be before things get too attached and feelings get hurt. If the young woman is into you and is cultivating time with you in the expectation that this is going somewhere, you have a responsibility at that point to be open about things. Often women will go through such a decision point evaluation of their own accord, bringing the subject up themselves, being the conversational creatures they are. "So, honey, where do you see US going?"

A note about language, and the concern that use of the word "marriage" will be intimidating. An honest, but more palatable way to express it might be to say that your religion says that men and women are only to spend time together in private and have physical contact if they are in a formal, "committed relationship." Even this can sound a little weird, especially if it's delivered right at the outset, before even a first date. One way to deal with this, and don't quote me on this, this is not intended as a fatwa would be to have a first date or two strictly in public places before even bringing up the muta'a issue. Coffee shop, movie theatre, restaurant, other such traditional first date places. Technically, it could be argued that since the two are in public, with other people around, they are in a sense chaperoned and there is not a risk of forbidden things happening. Then, if chemistry clicks, and it gets to the point where she is initiating touching, or inviting you to "come upstairs for a cup of coffee" when you drop her off at her place, then this becomes a man and woman alone in public sort of thing, and it becomes necessary to read the muta'a to legalize anything from that point forward.

Possibly it could be brought up prior to that point, so that it's not sprung on her, spoiling the moment. Could be worked into conversation during the first "date," particularly if she shows subtle interest with little touches and the like. That as a Muslim, you can see and talk to a woman in public, but that the line is drawn at physical contact unless the two are in some sort of relationship, whether in marriage or in a committed temporary relationship. And that while for now, it's not necessary and you can see where things go, if it gets to the point where it looks like things will lead further than conversation, then those are the terms under which it needs to happen. That would probably prompt some curious questions to clarify how it all works, at which point some details could be explained.

Again, I don't claim that a marja would 100% agree with this approach; I am simply explaining a way of going about it that will "flow" best while still respecting the spirit of the Islamic law.

Excellent post. I know we don't usually see eye to eye on many issues, but this is a very well thought out and clear way of how to describe mut'a to potential non-Muslim "wife" without scaring the hell out of her.

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Excellent post. I know we don't usually see eye to eye on many issues, but this is a very well thought out and clear way of how to describe mut'a to potential non-Muslim "wife" without scaring the hell out of her.

Hah. I have my days sometimes.

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Salaam alaykum,

Perhaps I can help. I was a non-Muslim (Christian) American girl interested in a Muslim guy. We were friends initially but both of us started to like each other beyond that. He told me that he couldn't continue the relationship unless I agreed to do a temporary marriage with him. He sent me information about it from a website (it might have been al-islam.org; offhand I don't remember exactly though) that explained everything in detail. That way I could read through it, think about it, and pray about it. I was struggling a lot as well with my feelings for him because he was, God forbid, a Muslim. I didn't want to think about the future because I didn't see how we could be together permanently. But in the meantime, I liked him a lot and was awed by the fact that he would give me up for the sake of his religion.

He gave me time to think about it before asking me what I thought. I did finally agree because I wanted to do it for his sake, as it was very important to him. I had a few reservations about it being termed as a 'marriage' since I wasn't ready for that yet, BUT the 'temporary' label helped. To me, it seemed like a dating relationship only with clearly defined boundaries and built-in protection for both individuals. Dating is always so confusing and agonizing as you never know exactly where you stand with the other person, and such frank discussions are often avoided. But with mutah, everything is out in the open - and it is very relieving. So trust me, if this girl really likes you, she'll do it, no matter what hesitation she may initially have to the idea.

So, I agreed - he told me to repeat the words (in Arabic) after him, and then he gave me a dowry. He had asked me what I wanted, and I was so overwhelmed and honored that he would actually want to GIVE me something... I didn't even want anything, but he insisted and I finally decided on perfume. :)

After that, I got down to business trying to convert him to Christianity (because I cared about his eternity, and also because I really did want a future with him somehow).... but Allah subhanawatala had other plans. Although he was content with me being Christian and made no concerted efforts to guide me to Islam, his unwavering logic, clear vision, and profound wisdom (stemming from the teachings of the Ahl Bayt) had an immense impact on me. Instead of converting him to Christianity, in my quest to educate myself more deeply about my religion in order to be better equipped to convince him, I uncovered the real truth of the Bible and Christianity, and ended up converting to Islam instead. :)

Neither of us anticipated that at ALL... and now he was suddenly faced with the fact that our relationship could now be continued permanently. He began to tell his family about me, little by little, but they still don't accept it as I am American and simply don't count in their eyes. So who knows what the future holds - BUT - you never know what a simple mutah can do to completely change the life of another person. In the end, even if we end up not being able to be together, he'll still have given me the most precious gift of all that will stay with me for the rest of my life - the influence and guidance of the Prophet and the Ahl Bayt (alayhum salam).

If done correctly, honestly, and sincerely, mutah does not necessarily hurt and damage the feelings of the females involved - rather, it can completely change their lives.

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Salaam alaykum,

Perhaps I can help. I was a non-Muslim (Christian) American girl interested in a Muslim guy. We were friends initially but both of us started to like each other beyond that. He told me that he couldn't continue the relationship unless I agreed to do a temporary marriage with him. He sent me information about it from a website (it might have been al-islam.org; offhand I don't remember exactly though) that explained everything in detail. That way I could read through it, think about it, and pray about it. I was struggling a lot as well with my feelings for him because he was, God forbid, a Muslim. I didn't want to think about the future because I didn't see how we could be together permanently. But in the meantime, I liked him a lot and was awed by the fact that he would give me up for the sake of his religion.

He gave me time to think about it before asking me what I thought. I did finally agree because I wanted to do it for his sake, as it was very important to him. I had a few reservations about it being termed as a 'marriage' since I wasn't ready for that yet, BUT the 'temporary' label helped. To me, it seemed like a dating relationship only with clearly defined boundaries and built-in protection for both individuals. Dating is always so confusing and agonizing as you never know exactly where you stand with the other person, and such frank discussions are often avoided. But with mutah, everything is out in the open - and it is very relieving. So trust me, if this girl really likes you, she'll do it, no matter what hesitation she may initially have to the idea.

So, I agreed - he told me to repeat the words (in Arabic) after him, and then he gave me a dowry. He had asked me what I wanted, and I was so overwhelmed and honored that he would actually want to GIVE me something... I didn't even want anything, but he insisted and I finally decided on perfume. :)

After that, I got down to business trying to convert him to Christianity (because I cared about his eternity, and also because I really did want a future with him somehow).... but Allah subhanawatala had other plans. Although he was content with me being Christian and made no concerted efforts to guide me to Islam, his unwavering logic, clear vision, and profound wisdom (stemming from the teachings of the Ahl Bayt) had an immense impact on me. Instead of converting him to Christianity, in my quest to educate myself more deeply about my religion in order to be better equipped to convince him, I uncovered the real truth of the Bible and Christianity, and ended up converting to Islam instead. :)

Neither of us anticipated that at ALL... and now he was suddenly faced with the fact that our relationship could now be continued permanently. He began to tell his family about me, little by little, but they still don't accept it as I am American and simply don't count in their eyes. So who knows what the future holds - BUT - you never know what a simple mutah can do to completely change the life of another person. In the end, even if we end up not being able to be together, he'll still have given me the most precious gift of all that will stay with me for the rest of my life - the influence and guidance of the Prophet and the Ahl Bayt (alayhum salam).

If done correctly, honestly, and sincerely, mutah does not necessarily hurt and damage the feelings of the females involved - rather, it can completely change their lives.

Subhanallah... That is quite the wonderful story. ^_^

It is sad that his parents have not accepted you... What can I say, the white-man phobia runs deep in the Middle East -_- (assuming your husband is from there :D )

If you don't mind me asking sister, how long had you known your husband before he actually proposed Mutah to you? I would like to adopt this lucky man's approach.

On a side note, the perfume was the perfect dowry :wub:

Edited by Legio Invicta
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