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seekinglight

Pornography Is Destroying My Marriage.

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I have found out that my husband has been watching porn and it is destroying me. I confronted him about the issue and he lied about it and told me "Baby im not watching haraam, dont worry". He told me it was pop ups that appeared and as my duty as a muslim i believed him and tried to push the subject out of my head, even as much as things didnt make sense to me. A little while goes by and I come across it again and this time it is clear to me there is no way that this can be pop ups and the topic is brought up again.. and he comes clean and tells me this has been an addiction for him for quite sometime and hes trying to shake it, it has nothing to do with me, it was before he met me, etc the thing that got me extremely mad was when he had told me that at that point in his life his reasoning (i dont want to get into specifics) for him to turn to watching porn was because it was halal for him. He really seemed as if this was hurting him and he had said its hurting his spirituality.. But yet months and months go by and hes still watching that garbage! While we talked about it (at the time, we were awaiting the birth of our son) he had said hes hoping for the birth of his son to help him through this. But nope, our son was born and i caught the garbage on my phone, on the computer.. This is destroying me as a wife and more importantly as a muslim. It is making me very depressed and i feel like my spirituality is permantly scarred. I try to be optmisitic about this, he is a very good husband to me i have absolutely no complaints with being his wife, other than this one thing, he is my ideal man. My husband is very well respected amoungst our community, an extremely knowledgeable muslim but some how he has brought himself to this level. I recently found this garbage on the computer once again and I confronted him about it, I told him this is affecting me severely and i need it to stop, that it will in return affect our marriage.. an i went on.. basically what he said it has nothing to do with me and its and addiction, he didnt say much, just that we already talked about this. I dont know what to do anymore .. im seeing him as a complete hypocrite. Hell talk about other woman in disgust about there clothing, if we were to go to the movies and there comes to a scene where he would have to close his eyes he would turn away but how can he do that when he goes home to the computer and searches up porn? I am going crazy... I love my husband and couldnt imagine life without him but i have to start to take my emotions out of the equation because its really starting to affect my spiritualty and my relationship with my husband. Im starting to think why should i bed him when he goes on the computer and just uses his hand anyways. Its gotten to the point where I am considering divorce but how can i divorce a man that is so good to me, even more importantly the father of my baby. I am a realist and i know that the child belongs to the father when it comes to islam and him teaching the children and i know hell do an amazing job so how could i ever leave him.. i feel as if he doesnt awknowledge my hurt and it really doesnt seem to me as if anything has changed or that hes even tried to make it chang, but then again i dont know first hand his struggles.

Basically what im asking is how to approach my husband the next time i come accross this. i know on all levels this is haraam. Our marja deems it haraam, haraam to masturbate, and the next one we go to does as well.. He says this has nothing to do with me but i am his wife, he is a reflection of me as i am of him. if hes down, im down and if im down hes down so how can he say i have no say?

I need help. how do i get through to my husband for the sake of our marriage and for the sake of our new family. I mainly looking for islamic approaches.. im sorry i have to come on here and share this but im running out of options..

Edited by seekinglight

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in my opinion u shud apply reverse psycology here...what i mean is *** it might hurt him,and possibly he will stop watching porn. :angel:

this is just an idea its upto u to take it or drop it. :D

Edited by Haji 2003
My be best to keep these genius ideas to yourself, in future

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Take internet out of your house, and get phones without internet access. If he's seriously committed to ending his habit, this should aid in achieving that goal.

Instead of him constantly battling his addictive urges, just cut off the source. Inshallah it will help.

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I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I think it is great that you posted this, as the misguided standard “cure” for porn addiction is getting married. :wacko:

If he is serious that he would like to stop, he will agree to a filter on the computer, during a moment of strength The service provider will put it on so neither of you has access to the password to remove it at a weak moment. I don’t know about removing internet (maybe you will have to) but that puts a burden on you and internet is almost a necessity these days.

As has been mentioned in an earlier post, take internet off your phone; that is definitely not a necessity. Recovering addicts are supposed to remove all access to the addiction – usually that includes removing the substance (porn in this case) and friends who are addicted (like in alcohol and drugs) which thankfully is not a problem in this case. The good part is that it sounds like he is unlikely to try and engage in this in a public place as his reputation seems to keep him on the straight and narrow in the public eye.

If you remove any behaviour that meets a specific need, such as watching porn, you need to replace it with another behaviour that gives satisfaction to whatever need (pleasure/escaping internal discomfort) he gets from this, but in a halal way. He may need professional support with this.

I don’t completely understand porn addiction (although I am trying) so maybe I am off base here – but, for example, if he became super conscious of his diet and exercise – which would keep him both mentally and physically occupied most of the time (as you have to think of it every time you eat and plan ahead for exercise) and, when successful in following a routine that works, will give a sense of achievement and personal satisfaction and pleasure. Also, it is something that the two of you can plan and do together and have something to share and talk about that is healthy – further keeping his mind from wandering.

Habits change over time. He needs to be consistent in whatever replacement behaviour he chooses, and if it is something that interests you as well, doing it together will be really helpful for him.

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I'm not sure where the OP lives, but i think one can get by without internet access at home. That is of course, if there are public libraries in the area. I honestly think the best way to fight such addictions is to cut off access. I've lost all desire to watch television or play video games, simply by not having a tv or a game system at my residence for the past few years. I don't know what shows are on these days, i don't know what movies are out. I don't know and frankly i don't care much anymore. I wasn't addicted, but i never thought i could really get by without access to those things. Dunno if that applies to this particular problem.

And do internet filters actually work effectively?

Edited by Fiasco

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I'm not sure where the OP lives, but i think one can get by without internet access at home. That is of course, if there are public libraries in the area. I honestly think the best way to fight such addictions is to cut off access. I've lost all desire to watch television or play video games, simply by not having a tv or a game system at my residence for the past few years. I don't know what shows are on these days, i don't know what movies are out. I don't know and frankly i don't care much anymore. I wasn't addicted, but i never thought i could really get by without access to those things. Dunno if that applies to this particular problem.

And do internet filters actually work effectively?

Hmm... In addition to using it as an encyclopedia, I use the internet for many many daily function things - even little things like: as a cookbook and cooking methods, finding the bus route and schedules, looking up a service or phone number, finding an address, etc. and wold be lost without it. Also, I dont have a TV and watch TV on it.

We have filters at work and although I have not tried the porn on them, they are successful at filtering personal chat sites and such. I think the downside to a filter is that it filters out more than you want. I have tried to access info at work and have been denied access to the site I want which could be useful in my work.

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Sounds like a very tough situation, may Allah help you inshAllh.

Few pieces of advise, next time it comes up then be very supportive of it - if he's trying to overcome it, he doesnt need you to tell him its wrong and that he's disgusting for being in it... tell him you think he can overcome it, and you're willing to do anything it takes to help him, because its a serious matter and will have grave consequences (in this life and the next). You could try getting him to open up, show his weak side and tell you he's desperate to overcome it, he needs help, and then you could say ok, we're going to do the following things ... and then what the people above mentioned, cut of all sources and be with him all the time, as much as you can. that way, he wont have an oppurtunity....

remind him of death all the time, of the hereafter and keep Quran playing in the house when you can (if you're not talking etc...), so the rememberance of the Almighty will drive Shaitan away inshAllh..

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I'm not sure where the OP lives, but i think one can get by without internet access at home. That is of course, if there are public libraries in the area. I honestly think the best way to fight such addictions is to cut off access. I've lost all desire to watch television or play video games, simply by not having a tv or a game system at my residence for the past few years. I don't know what shows are on these days, i don't know what movies are out. I don't know and frankly i don't care much anymore. I wasn't addicted, but i never thought i could really get by without access to those things. Dunno if that applies to this particular problem.

And do internet filters actually work effectively?

I'm sure they do work. You could create a list of the websites that actually can pass through the filter, like wikipedia, Hotmail, etc. Or block all the URLs that lead to it, by monitoring which websites he visits over a period of time. Eventually, he's gonna run out of them.

If he wants to solve the problem, actively, then you could come to some sort of arrangement where you lock the computer with a password, and when he wants to use it, you could sit with him, unlock it for him, and be there whilst he uses the internet. Get internet off his phone - and yours. Again, this is only if he's serious about trying to get over his problem.

Also, you could try sitting down with him and asking him exactly what about it appeals to him. Maybe, with more knowledge on why he does what he does could bring you that one step closer to solving it?

Edited by IvIaniac

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I need help. how do i get through to my husband for the sake of our marriage and for the sake of our new family. I mainly looking for islamic approaches.. im sorry i have to come on here and share this but im running out of options..

Salam Sister

Hope you are going well

those are some solution:

1- You can block all those porn/nudity website in your navigator options. ( internet explorer, firefox, opera and all other)

2- I dont know where you live, but you can call your internet service provider and tell them u want a children security options. they are gooing to block porn site and all undesired things

3- U can put a password to lock your cell phone

4- there is many software online that may help u on blocking those things.

If you need some help with those option, just send me a private message and it would be a pleasure :)

salam

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I really think the whole blocking off or restricting internet access thing is overrated, men will find ways without access to actual pornography to relieve themselves through masturbation, I do not know how imagining certain scenarios not exclusively including your wife is any more noble than seeing them on your computer screen. He first needs to sit down, perhaps with you and reflect. He needs to reflect deeply on the choices he is making and their implications on his family, his productivity and his peace of mind. This will help put pornography in perspective, he then needs to find and commit to activities which will strengthen his moral convictions and motivate him to continue to resist such temptations. Thousands of activities fall into this category, quality time with family, activism and social work etc could all do the trick. He simply has to find a way to occupy himself and become engrossed in meaningful work. Once he is able to resist for a few days, he will notice the positive change in his lifestyle and find more encouragement to resist. Try not to give up, I would encourage you to be patient especially if you do realize that he wants to change and is at least willing to make an effort.

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Salams,

First, his excuse that it is halal for him is invalid. The sharia is the same for everyone and even the Prophet (except for the condition of having four permenant wives) and Imams were

not exempt from any part of the Sharia and they followed it more closely than anyone. There is no marjaa or even any semi-knowledgeable scholar that would say that what he is doing is in any way halal. It is haram, and clearly haram and I would challenge anyone on this point and if he wants to bring his arguments based on Quran and reliable ahadith and Sunnat of our Prophet or Imams(a.s), I would be glad to hear them but I don't think he has any. As for the point regarding masturbation, see my pinned topic on Islam and Masturbation, that should be enough evidence for a reasonable person. As for looking at pornography, there is very much evidence from Quran and ahadith that this is nothing but strengthening your low desires so that Shaitan can gain mastery over you and eventually destroy your Iman and taqwa. He is under the false belief that this 'habit' can be contained to a certain time and place in his life and that it will not affect other areas, like his Iman, Wajibat, Taqwa, work, reputation, and marriage. He is already ignoring evidence to the contrary, since you made it clear that it was affecting your marriage.

Just because this is a very common 'habit' nowdays due to the proliferation of the Internet and other technologies doesn't make it any less haram or less severe in affecting a man and his Islam. I don't believe in things like putting filters on his computer, getting rid of the Internet, (unless he specifically asks you to do this). It doesn't work and he will always find ways around this. All the stuff that you can get on a PC with a wired internet connection, you can get on an iPhone or Smartphone with web access enabled. So there is no technological solution to this, not anymore. The solution, and the only solution, is for him to rededicate himself to taqwa, and realize this is haram and fear Allah(s.w.a) and the consequences of this.

I have been reading a book about ahadith from Imam Sadiq(a.s), and he has alot of hadith that may be relevant to this issue. First, he has many ahadith that say that a believer must live his life between fear and hope. He must fear the punishment of Allah(s.w.a) for his wrong actions as if he is standing before the hellfire and about to be thrown into it, and simultaneously he must hope for the reward of Allah(s.w.a) as if he is standing at the gate of Paradise. If he goes too far toward the fear side, he will lose all hope of the Rahma of Allah(s.w.a) and this is called Yas (despair) in the traditions and is considered amoung the worst spiritual diseases. At the same time (and I think this is his problem), he should not forget about the punishment of Allah(s.w.a). He should not imagine that Allah(s.w.a) will not punish him for his disobedience. The punishment of Allah(s.w.a) is always a possibility for anyone, and there are many ahadith about this. He may continue in his error to the point that Allah(s.w.a) might decide that he will not forgive him after this because he has given him every chance and he has refused to reform himself. Everyone should die of fear at that point, because there is not hope for him then, and for sure the fire is after that. Noone, including himself knows when or if that point will come, but he should do everything he can to avoid this by doing what Allah(s.w.a) likes and refraining from everything that Allah(s.w.a) hates. The haram are the most hated things by Allah(s.w.a) and those things that will risk Him(s.w.a) becoming angry. We seek refuge in Allah(s.w.a) from earning his anger and displeasure and we know that we cannot bear this. It is taqwa that reforms people, and nothing else. Salams,

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It is taqwa that reforms people, and nothing else. Salams,

I agree that taw is very important, but I think you are wrong to say that addressing the practical factors won't help. My understanding of programmes that have been designed to inhibit/stop various behaviours is that the more difficult you make the acquisition of something, the easier it becomes to desist.

Want to stop people smoking? Restrict sales of cigarettes and where they can be smoked. Want to reduce alcohol sales, price it high and reduce the hours it can be sold.

There is a certain free-market liberalism which argues that all goods should be freely available and people should make their own informed decisions. That's a load of BS in my opinion.

Sure, blocking off internet sites on the family PC may lead the Bro to using his smartphone, but in that case get him to use an ordinary phone. Now if he refuses, perhaps he's not serious about stopping watching porn - in which case his taqwa needs to be addressed.

Like Bro Fiasco I also watch very little television nowadays and when I do see something I am always surprised as to how much sexuality is portrayed in ordinary mainstream programming. The Sis needs to consider what sort of programming is seen as "normal" in their household and whether restrictions need to be placed on that.

Something else that has not been addressed here (I think) is whether there are other underlying problems in the marriage itself and this is just a symptom of those.

Edited by Haji 2003

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Salam alikum,

I have a different approach to this issue. My post may not necessarily be of much help to the OP, but just wanted to share my views.

I believe that a person cannot really stop falling into any particular sin simply by trying very hard to resist it, by constantly battling the addiction, by being motivated to shun the sin, by finding other methods to stay occupied, etc etc (the list goes on). All these methods are helpful in their own right. But many times a person may do all of these and still find himself indulging in the same sin.

I think the reason for this failure is that Allah (swt) has not given "us" the power to fight shaitan - no matter how hard and seriously we try - on our own. We cannot even see or hear shaitan, but he sees us all the time. So how can we expect to win against him simply by relying on our own motivation and struggle?

I think the answer is that --- it is ONLY Allah, who can protect us from falling into sins - not our own will-power. If His help is not there, then no matter how hard we try - we will still fail. So now, the real question should not be what YOU can do protect yourself from the sin - rather what will make Allah Talla bring YOU under HIS protection.

I think the answer is simply to worship him. This may sound very simple - but I think this is the best way to handle the situation. Keep up the daily prayer, pray on time, make it a habit to read Quran every day, fast every now and then, establish the night-prayer, read duas etc. This is the KEY to bringing yourself under Allah's protection without which nothing will save you from sins. If one does this sort of worship, then he wont have to ban the internet from the house, or necessarily have to go for jogging or get a new phone etc etc!

When Allah's help is there, the person may find it very, very easy to become sinless. There will be no need of finding out new and enthusiastic ways to protect yourself - no need to engage in horrendous battles against the shaitan, no need to have supernatural will-power. Instead, just simply do sincere worship, as the Quran says that Salat is the safegaurd against shameful acts.

So the answer to this problem lies in constant worship of Allah - which in turn will AUTOMATICALLY protect the person froms sins by providing divine help.

This is my view.

Edited by Liggel

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