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The Green Knight

Need Help With Mother

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(salam)

Well, the Quran is very clear about the rights of the parents and the positions of the mother and the father, and the hadiths support that. I'll give a short run down. My father was a Shia and my mother was a Sunni (now Wahabi after father's death). She has always influenced the most critical decisions of my life and succeeded in ruining it for me. First she did it with my education. Then with my marriage. Then by allowing back my wayward elder brother who is only muslim by name but she loves him so much that after 20 years of exiling him for committing love marriage into, admittedly, very lesser kind of folk with not a single virtue whatsoever, she has allowed him back and this elder brother of mine wants complete control over everything especially since my father is also dead. This man and his wife are, obviously, filled with vengeance for everyone else in the house, regardless if it was only my mother's doing. My mother kept torturing my father throughout his life and he kept tolerating her even though all his brothers and sisters advised him to get rid of her (I would have done the same to be completely honest). These things are long past but I remember. I obeyed all through, out of fear of Allah. I know a lot of expectable people will spring up in her defense amusingly acting that they know her more than me but I don't care.

What I need now is an advice, an Islamic advice. I am no longer able to punish myself and my family for satisfying her. She hates me because I am like my father and a Shia, and she is a wahabi. Secondly, she is like 75 years old now, I can't blame her any longer, and it gives me further reason to disobey her. She is now trying to influence another extremely critical decision that would affect the rest of my life and the future of my children. My brother has been robbing her and my father and even us, his siblings, every chance he got. He withdrew all the money from my father's business the same month he died after he failed to take over by force due to unpopularity and lack of support. My sisters and all my relatives do not like him and know him as a greedy and evil man. I gave him two years as a benefit of doubt but he has proven to be what we all thought he is - subhuman. Now my mother wants me to relinquish my father's business which he gave to me, to my brother, completely. There is well known evidence, proof, memory, logic, to our relatives, friends and everyone who knows our family. But my mother is determined. She is too old and acts bedazzled as if under a spell.

So I have made up my mind to stop worshiping her, no, it can't be called obedience. Her bias, hatred and everything she is is now even more clear. She can not think or have a logical conversation anymore. She can't, or refuses to read what is written on the wall. I try to convince myself that its just her age, but I've suffered far too long to know that there is something else deeper, that she hates shias as is the nature of all non-shia. Or whatever, I don't know, what I do know is the very obvious choices in front of me. I can either retire into obscurity doing injustice to my children by officially giving away everything that is mine. Or I can show them both the door, since they ignore any law known to man, logic or evidence.

The only thing I care about is if God will be indifferent or upset with what I'm going to do, that is, deny her final stab at my life, and it will be the only one disobedience from me because now I can't sacrifice myself to obey God by obeying my mother and now have children's rights incumbent upon me to think about. What do you think? 

P.S.: Please do me a favor and do not reply at all if you haven't bothered to read everything and understood the simple problem described within.

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(bismillah)

Well, I feel like I know what I want to tell you, but I fear I really don't know your situation well enough to really know. Your mother lives in your house with you and your wife...? Did she just invite your brother back into your home?

Also, your obedience to walidayn is as far as not worrying them and that you must also respect and be kind to them. This does not mean some sort of complete obedience over you especially when you are an adult.

(salam)

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Your mother lives in your house with you and your wife...? Did she just invite your brother back into your home?

This is my late father's home, so partly mine too. However, my brother does not live in it, he has only be been allowed to start visiting us by the same person who forbade it once - my mother. My father had written and signed a will that my brother is not his heir or representative - complete disassociation, its called a "aaq nama" in our language, but my grandfather stopped him from getting it registered or publishing it in the newspaper, so he put it in one of his bags. As for the home part, I have no problem if he comes here or not to visit us, nor of anything else. I've given him ample shadow of doubt and he has used it to rob a lot of money from me as well. Money is his only concern in life, no morals, no rules. That and his wretch wife whom he left everything for, who has not a single virtue and none of us have been able to figure out why he did it and suffered so much for and why he still worships her. She's butt ugly, her voice is very ugly, she is not religious, she is sunni, she is uneducated, she is non-syed and from a very lesser caste and family, no visible quality at all. Anyway, all that is not my concern here.

My concern is about this decision I'm going to make. I can't hand over what my father gave me and educated me for to this evil revenant. What worries me is that I have always obeyed my mother out of fear for Allah. But now she is too old, too biased and too unreasonable, and now I can't let her control and ruin my life's critical decisions anymore since I have my own little family attached and although I have been able to bear through in the past I was alone back then. I can't give their future away in a completely unnecessary charity which isn't even charity because my brother is incomparably richer than I am.

I have decided to stop obeying her, at least this decision, I'm sure she'll raise a ruckus after this and vow, for the umpteenth time, never to see me again. She senile / crazy / bedazzled or whatever. I cba to think of the cause or the consequences. I know I'm doing the right thing. I can obey, as always, if it makes sense. This is the complete opposite of sense. My brother has already taken a hell lot more than his share of father's property and I have kept calm as told. Now I'm not handing over even my own clothes, thats senseless, it'll mean that I worship her. There is or was never a dispute about this, but my mother insists that I should do thus and I'm not going to obey this once.

What I want to know is whether God will be upset by this. I think He'll be upset if I agree to it and continue to remain passive as evil triumphs at my mother's command. This is insane, you see.

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surprisingly, islam doesnt give you any advice in this area .... so you do what you THINK is right .... its not your fault... you don't know what to do.... so Allah can't be angry with you

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(salam)

From your explanation, as per your father's wishes, you are his true representative and not your older brother (who according to you is a sinful person and not a decent human being).

Also, you cannot obey your mother in doing falsehood. You are obligated to be nice and kind to her but you cannot follow her order when she ask you to commit actions that are contrary to the teaching of Islam.

From your post, I gather that she wants you to commit unrighteous acts. You cannot do that even of your parents ask/beg/force you to do that. I know that your mother will not understand or see your point of view, I suggest that you ask some elder in your family to speak to her.

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Unfortunately, all the wise or influential elders on my paternal side are dead and some of us have already talked to her elder sister whom she reveres, but even she has failed to make her think otherwise. She is now a mere husk controlled by my brother. She has given all her money to him, even a joint account of me and her of about 0.8 million rupees. I kept quiet since it was a joint account. Things were very different not so long ago. Everything was fine and I was taking care of her and father's business. My brother had withdrawn his full share long ago. Then she finds this stupid women-only wahabi institution called Al-Huda and then things started to change. She stopped visiting my father's grave. She started holding their classes in our house and I think that is how we got targeted by this extremely ill omen. But I couldn't stop her, even if they were preaching pure and simple wahabi lies. When I point it out to her she says its because of my wife even though she herself found her for me. My brother has also usurped my paternal uncle's property worth 20 million rupees that my uncle and father owned jointly in the past. So they are also trying to knock some sense into him. My brother and of course my mother have been constantly trying to invite me and support their evil destructive activities of which even I am a victim but surprisingly they don't want people to point fingers at them and need my support, which I've already denied them. She keeps lending our family car to my brother, who already has two of his own, and he uses it, breaks it, and sends it back and I get to repair it.

I am or want no part of any of this. All I want is to tie up this loose end and permanently shift to my rural property, build my wife the house with the kitchen garden and all that she has wanted, and live peacefully among like minded pious cousins, relatives and friends. I would stay in touch with my sisters because they are good. But this mess is taking years and as helplessly unavoidable as a black hole. If I leave her then I am sure she will be poisoned. If I stay then I waste my life and health in this continuous mess. I've potentially saved her a couple of times, once they were taking her along on a damaged car with unreliable suspensions through a hillside long drive to another city. I intervened by insisting and sending along an expert person who knew how to drive carefully and take care of a car.

I've tried all means to reason with her. She keeps challenging me into religious matters and I keep showing her the Quran -- Quran which her Al-Huda is supposed to have taught her like a talking parrot is taught to memorize something. Yet she always goes against it and ignores it and keeps her holier-than-thou attitude because I'm a shia and she hates us and has always hated my paternal relatives for that reason who have, in contrast, always tolerated and accommodated her. My father passed away while coping with this "Ayesha" and it makes me sad to think but I'm obligated.

Edited by Abu Dujana

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(salam)

I don't mean to offend you but your situation is a little bit of a mess. I am seeing so many mistakes being made, one after another.

I believe these are the four areas where you need to take a different approach from what is being recommended by your mother.

1. In religious matter. You cannot listen and obey her in religious matter. The fact that she follows wahhabism is an indication of how little she knows about the correct teaching of Islam

2. In financial matters: You need to speak to folks who will give you good financial advices. Speak to bankers, accountants or experts. Your mother may not posses the necessary skills or qualification to guide you well.

3. Inheritance: This is where you need to follow Islamic Sharia. First of all you need to find out what is your share in your father's wealth (your inheritance). Everyone will get a piece of it. Whatever your brother stole will need to be accounted here. He doesn't get everything.

4. Relationship with your mother and brother: Personally, I think it is a big mistake to join your mother and your brother in their destructive agenda. You need to think about your life, your future, in Dunya and Akhira.

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(salam)

Well, the Quran is very clear about the rights of the parents and the positions of the mother and the father, and the hadiths support that. I'll give a short run down. My father was a Shia and my mother was a Sunni (now Wahabi after father's death). She has always influenced the most critical decisions of my life and succeeded in ruining it for me. First she did it with my education. Then with my marriage. Then by allowing back my wayward elder brother who is only muslim by name but she loves him so much that after 20 years of exiling him for committing love marriage into, admittedly, very lesser kind of folk with not a single virtue whatsoever, she has allowed him back and this elder brother of mine wants complete control over everything especially since my father is also dead. This man and his wife are, obviously, filled with vengeance for everyone else in the house, regardless if it was only my mother's doing. My mother kept torturing my father throughout his life and he kept tolerating her even though all his brothers and sisters advised him to get rid of her (I would have done the same to be completely honest). These things are long past but I remember. I obeyed all through, out of fear of Allah. I know a lot of expectable people will spring up in her defense amusingly acting that they know her more than me but I don't care.

What I need now is an advice, an Islamic advice. I am no longer able to punish myself and my family for satisfying her. She hates me because I am like my father and a Shia, and she is a wahabi. Secondly, she is like 75 years old now, I can't blame her any longer, and it gives me further reason to disobey her. She is now trying to influence another extremely critical decision that would affect the rest of my life and the future of my children. My brother has been robbing her and my father and even us, his siblings, every chance he got. He withdrew all the money from my father's business the same month he died after he failed to take over by force due to unpopularity and lack of support. My sisters and all my relatives do not like him and know him as a greedy and evil man. I gave him two years as a benefit of doubt but he has proven to be what we all thought he is - subhuman. Now my mother wants me to relinquish my father's business which he gave to me, to my brother, completely. There is well known evidence, proof, memory, logic, to our relatives, friends and everyone who knows our family. But my mother is determined. She is too old and acts bedazzled as if under a spell.

So I have made up my mind to stop worshiping her, no, it can't be called obedience. Her bias, hatred and everything she is is now even more clear. She can not think or have a logical conversation anymore. She can't, or refuses to read what is written on the wall. I try to convince myself that its just her age, but I've suffered far too long to know that there is something else deeper, that she hates shias as is the nature of all non-shia. Or whatever, I don't know, what I do know is the very obvious choices in front of me. I can either retire into obscurity doing injustice to my children by officially giving away everything that is mine. Or I can show them both the door, since they ignore any law known to man, logic or evidence.

The only thing I care about is if God will be indifferent or upset with what I'm going to do, that is, deny her final stab at my life, and it will be the only one disobedience from me because now I can't sacrifice myself to obey God by obeying my mother and now have children's rights incumbent upon me to think about. What do you think? 

P.S.: Please do me a favor and do not reply at all if you haven't bothered to read everything and understood the simple problem described within.

Hi;

I don't post much, but this made me rethink.

Anyhow, first things first; there isn't a single Islamic nass which calls for obedience to parents (at least I'm not aware of any). What is required (islamically) is that you respect and care for your parents (the only exception being if they are actively harming Islam and the Imam e zaman considers them enemies). If they are faqir, then you should financially support them as well. That's it!!

From your post it seems she's your real mother (i.e. not step mother), so you do not at all need to obey her in anything but you must respect her and care for her. I hope you understand what I mean. So in your case, totally refuse what she is saying, but if she shouts/ swears at you (even in front of others), please do not answer back. If she needs help in her daily life (I'm sure at her age she will) do help her out even though she may be swearing at you while let's say you are helping her put on her slippers. But as I said, you are under no obligation to obey her in anything at all.

Same goes for your brother. Silah rahm is important. Do not ex communicate him, but no need to hand over your belongings to him. Lastly, I'm not aware of the fiqhi status of "aaq naama". Legally it may be right, but islamically I'm not sure if a parent can aaq his children or under what circumstances only can it be done. Also, I'm not sure that if 1 child is 'aaqed' then should his share go to the other siblings or go to bayt al mal/ hakim shar'i etc. Basically what I'm saying is that your bro may be entitled to his own share at least, of course that doesn't at all mean you have to give your share (which your mother is asking you to do) to him. I hope all this made sense.

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(salam)

Wow... you have one hell of troubled life :(

You said your mother is now aged 75 and is now on the stage where old age symptoms like dementia start to kick in. Though it may not help much, I'll give you an example from my house.

My grandmother sometimes talks non-sense, often making absurd requests to my father. But he doesn't pay any heed to her. What you could try is simply ignore or filter the non-sense coming from your mother and, as someone said, just help her out with her daily needs like give her money to sustain herself, get her medical checkups etc. You also mention that you fear for her being poisoned; do you suspect your brother for that? This may seem amusing to many, but if that's the case, install cameras in your mother's house, so you can have proof should that happen, God forbid.

As for your brother, my uncle on my mother's side married a non-Muslim, but my family never casted him out. I suggest you do the same, as in don't just COMPLETELY dissociate yourself from him; however, you have absolutely no reason to trust him either, so just maintain minimal contact. You have your own family to take care of.

I also saw you mention Al-huda. Could you be living in Karachi, and the branch you talk of is in North Nazimabad, next to Generations' School? It seems we may have a lot in common, but I'm still a college student :squeez:

Will pray for you bro. Best of luck!

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(salam)

What do you think?

P.S.: Please do me a favor and do not reply at all if you haven't bothered to read everything and understood the simple problem described within.

I read it all.. didn't read the other comments tho.. hope I'm not repeating it all :P

ok .. this is my personal view, and I believe in it.. not sure how Islamic it is tho.

I know God keeps telling us of the importance of our parents, but I'm sure he mentioned the right of children somewhere! coz a lot of parents abuse their children emotionally, and I for one was thro that once, and it was HORRIBLE.. we as humans have the right to live our lives in happiness..and if our parents think that they know what would make us happier than they are wrong.. it's always good to take from their experience in life, but sometimes all they are after is controlling their kids.. that's one of the reasons I'm so scared to have kids.. coz I don't want to bring ppl to the world and I ruin it for them out of being protective or coz I know better..

anyway, I think you should take charge of ur life and make ur own choices.. .. it's ur life! u control it.

just be a bit nice when u reject ur mom's interference.. tell her that u love her and respect her, but you disagree.. if she goes crazy and goes like I will disown u.. tell her it's her choice..

good luck :)

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(salam) Thank you all. Very much appreciated. Special thanks to you khaamba by the way, for clearing out the obedience / respect and care confusion I have had. I don't remember the last time when my friends on SC have proved so effective and helpful as now, because I was under a lot of stress and time was short. I have denied her request and I am working to completely sever my brother's interference into the legal suit and executive authority over the business. Like I said, he has received not only his full share long before anyone else, he has also stolen a lot of money from us all by giving excuses and won't return it, but I'm not that concerned about getting it back. He received it according to the sharia as well as the state laws. He's staying at the back, puppeteering my mother for emotional blackmail. I was hoping that he would prove to be my grandfather's and my father's son and carry on our line's tradition of devoting ourselves foremost to righteousness, unparalleled religious charity, support of the weak and wisdom which are the traits we have always been recognized with and stood out from the rest. Unfortunately he has chosen money and corruption as his life's goals. Having lived most of my life without him I was hoping that with my father gone, his return would fill the critical gap that he has left, but it is unfortunate that his existence only adds another major headache to deal with. I am glad that some of his children are different than he is and I think I have already subtly helped them by introducing them to the difference between right and wrong and showing them the need to try and fill the great objectives my great grandfather set for us starting with the Imambargah and mosque that he built and all the people he introduced to shiaism. One of his daughters is particularly influenced by all that, now wears full hijab and has the blessed ideal to follow that all girls should have, she makes me proud. His sons are a bit wicked but they are all in their teens and I'll keep working with them. Despite the matter that they'll witness me making their greedy father quite upset often. I've called him "Muawiya" in their presence before. I know they'll understand. I have a hunch that they already do. :)

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salam.gif

After my grandfather's death something similar happened in our family when my grandmother asked father and all my uncles to handover their share in our ancestral house (haveli) to one of my uncles. Except for one all of them agreed...and after that its a long long story.

Br. Abu Dajana how can Islam ask you to obey anyone who is unjust?

My father had written and signed a will that my brother is not his heir or representative - complete disassociation, its called a "aaq nama" in our language

brother I don't think aaq nama has any legal value.

Then she finds this stupid women-only wahabi institution called Al-Huda

*shivers*

Edited by doobybrother

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The "aaq naama" is unimportant and irrelevant. He has been given everything regardless. I only mentioned it to highlight my father's distrust and disappointment in him and my mother's contrasting and seditious role.

Edited by Abu Dujana

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After my grandfather's death something similar happened in our family when my grandmother asked father and all my uncles to handover their share in our ancestral house (haveli) to one of my uncles. Except for one all of them agreed...and after that its a long long story.

brother I don't think aaq nama has any legal value.

If the instrument of aaq naama is written and signed on a legal document, it is valid in a court of law. Aaq naama, in addition to disassociating and distancing the holder (parent) from the subject (person who is aaqed) and all his/her activities, dealings and transactions also means that the right of the subject to inherit from the holder is null and void, even if it is not explicitly mentioned in the text of the aaq naama. This is so by virtue of the very nature of the aaq naama.

I know of a court case in which aaq naama was considered a substitute for an instrument of will and the person who was aaqed denied a share in the property of his father.

In the case of Bro Abu Dujana, if the aaq naama was written on a legal document and if its contents were not reversed/altered by a subsequent legal instrument, it would mean that, legally, your brother cannot inherit from your father at all. In this case, the aaq naama would become part will in absence of a bona fide written will. The fact that the aaq naama was not circulated or printed has no bearing upon its validity. In addition to it, your mother has no legal and Islamic right to reverse or alter the contents of the aaq naama given she did not co-author it and did not claim joint ownership of assets with your father.

Further, assuming your father did not leave any written will, you and all your siblings would inherit from your father except your elder brother as per laws of Shariah.

Whatever I have stated is what I know. You should consult a legal adviser if you wish to pursue the matter legally vis-a-vis aaq naama.

---

Abu Dujana: You know your situation better to deal with it. However, Islamically, you are required to be respectful, kind and son-like to your mother. But you are not obligated to accede to all her wishes and demands fair or unfair, especially if they are unfair and unjust. The obedience ends where your mother asks you to do something which is clearly against justice. So I believe rejecting her demands in order to stand for your right would not displease Allah. Allahu Aalam

Good luck.

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Hi;

I don't post much, but this made me rethink.

Lastly, I'm not aware of the fiqhi status of "aaq naama". Legally it may be right, but islamically I'm not sure if a parent can aaq his children or under what circumstances only can it be done.

I think parents can disinherit thr children.

the gud example can be taken from the battle of karbala

When janabe Umm ul banin heard about the martyrdom of Hazrat Imam Husain (as) , she said i will disinherit Abbas (as) (for she know not that hazrat abbas -e- bawafa (as) was killed before hazrat Imam Husain (as) )

(salam)

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If she gave birth to a shia than there must be some good in her.

I don't believe in that stuff. Was there any good in Muhammad bin Abi Bakr's (ra) parents? It was only my father who used to religiously take me with him to the city's finest jamia on every jummah, buy me religious books of my interest and hand me lots of money to hand to the needy and poor as well as the jamia's donation collectors. He taught me the abc of righteousness. I was a confused sunni and then a half sunni / half shia during teen years too. My father said to me that its more important to offer prayers and take interest in religion regardless if I do it with hands folded or unfolded. Then he passed away. The sunni around me crept closer and confronted me and bad mouthed shia beliefs, it offended to hear their blasphemies about the blessed Ahl-al-bayt (as) and I started investing a lot of my salary into acquiring sets of the oldest books like Tarikh Tabari etc. to find the truth. And then my confusion was gone, to much dismay of the sunni around me. God has been most merciful to me all along.

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