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HassanA

Problems With Wife - Please Help

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Salaam,

A little background - Just got married about 3 months ago. Living with wife

and mother in a two family house, meaning my wife and I reside upstairs

and mom usually is downstairs with my brother. We all mingle together

like all families should on a daily basis.

Recently though my wife has started to become more open in voicing

her opinion about my mom to me. Basically my mom will say or do something that

my wife doesn't like (not intentionally though) and my wife will come to me and complain.

I tell her that she needs to learn how to communicate about issues to my mom and not

hold it all in herself (or rather make me not go crazy)

She comes from a family where younguns can't discuss the wrongs of adults, and so

she keeps things bottled up, and doesn't take the mature approach to discuss issues.

She thinks its going to make things a lot worse if she says anything (and basically she has

no courage to do it anyways). I tell her that issues will never get resolved if we all don't talk about it.

But she absolutely refuses to talk to my mom head on about issues. I have so many arguments with her

about the fact that she needs to grow up, and discuss things when things aren't right.

She can't just buzz in my ear all day and then expect me not to mediate between her and my mom.

Basically, she just wants to stay in her little bubble, not talk about rising issues, and just keep it in the back of

her mind.

I think this will lead to a lot of problems in the future, and I'm trying to get her to open up.

I told my mom about an issue and my mom addressed it to her, straight in her face with a sweet tone.

Right after this my wife was pissed at me and said I broke her trust blah blah.

I told her if she isn't going to talk about issues in the house that we're going to end up down a bad road

and that things will not get better.

I don't know what else to do. She thinks i'm not trustable and I think that she just needs to grow up and

deal with issues like a woman should.

What do you think?

Edited by HassanA

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I honestly think that a married couple (especially a new married couple) should never live with anyone. They should have a house to themselves and the wife should feel comfortable in her own house with her own space.

This whole problem could very well be the result of this issue. She probably feels that she has no privacy, or that she can't feel at ease in the house, so she challenges the energy towards picking at little faults that annoy her in her new mother in law. She might also be unconsciously trying to hint that she wants to live with you on your own. And I think she has the right to that. I would hate to live in anybody's house but my own, especially when me and my husband first got married. We've been married about two months, and we stayed at their place for one week, and I felt very strange and uneasy. When we left and came to our house everything changed and I felt like I can walk around with freedom, wear whatever I want and do whatever I wanted. I felt like it was "my" house.

It's not easy to have a new husband and a new family and then have to voice her concerns and issues with your mother directly. It's not about being immature, rather feeling out of place. It's a lot easier for her to tell YOU because you are her comfort zone. She feels safe with her husband and she is more used to you. To have to face her mother in law in a house which is not "hers" is not easy for any newly married woman. You have to understand where she is coming from. The nature of man is to deal with his problem and take care of them right away, but when he sees that a woman isn't the same, he gets frustrated. But the nature of woman is to handle. That's just human nature.

I would feel the same. Disconnected and discomforted. Especially when she tells you something and you tell your mother without giving her a heads up, and her having to hear from it from someone other than you. I'm sure she has nothing against your mother, but she's in an uncomfortable situation.

Good luck.

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1. Dialogue - I like.

2. Move out - the basis for most of the financial problems people have these days. Physical freedom, financial slavery...

3. One day you may have a daughter-in-law...

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If you leave your mom and she becomes unhappy than you will remain miserable here and hereafter. You can have another wife but not another mother.

You are going to have a child soon. I hope he/she does the same to you.

Actually the brother's mother seems like a very reasonable person, I doubt she'd hold it against her son. Though it is true that the wife needs to grow up, maybe being the leading lady of her own house will enable her to gain more maturity, if she stays in the environment she is in, she will remain in her shell. It is never a good idea to bottle things up for too long as it will creat a very bad atmosphere in the house and (potentially) have very bad long terms consequences, not mention leading the wife to back bite which is akin to eating human flesh.

You second comment was out of order

@op, it would probably be a good idea to move out.

Edited by ShahHussain

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You are going to have a child soon. I hope he/she does the same to you.

So do I. My child shouldn't live with me or their in laws when they get married.

You second comment was out of order

Hey thanks man, i forgive you for calling me fat now :P

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Take your Mother and Wife for dinner - a loooooooooooong dinner say about 4 -5 hours long <BR><BR>mediate and be the one who is at loss the most, as surely u need your mom and ur wife so there is no leaving anyone out <BR><BR>discuss all the options the why, how, when, who, where's should be addressed completely fairly and straightforwardly dont let the talk stop ... <BR><BR>be a man and rule your wife rather than being ruled - you can rule lovingly more sustainabley btw this is the start to a very harsh and painful oncoming dangle which will hurt everyone and change the family lives --- sort it out before its too late ...<BR><BR>your wife (according to your description of her) is like a wax now she can be moulded in any form you want her to be --- she'll be what you want her to be provided you keep her happy....She will be happy no matter how she is and where she is .......<BR><BR>your mom is secondary in the issue because you cannot tell her anything as she is seemingly alright in this situation according to you but you have to see the perspective of your wife when she is alone with your mom , <BR><BR>Give your wife your most TIME , if you dont give her rightly deserving time she'll hate you too..and become stubborn and unco-operative which ...,,, believe me is a nightmare<BR><BR>BTW this is an everlasting issue so dont think its just you who is facing this music by himself ....just think that every other couple is facing this similar situation globallly....<BR><BR>... Hope this helps ...Allah bless your marriage and your family....ameen

Edited by Faris-Al-Hujjat

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Well this is what Imam Zaynul Abidin (as) wrote about the rights of your wife in Risalat Alhukook:

"The right of your wife (zawja) is that you know that God has made her a repose and a comfort for you; you should know that she is God's favour toward you, so you should honour her and treat her gently. Though her right toward you is more incumbent, you must treat her with compassion, since she is your prisoner (asir) whom you feed and clothe. If she is ignorant, you should pardon her."

If you leave your mom and she becomes unhappy than you will remain miserable here and hereafter. You can have another wife but not another mother.

Totally wrong, his wife also has a right. In islam, you don't marry a woman and throw her out if she's not everything you wanted her to be. Working out, or at least TRYING to work out differences is wajib before any divorce.

Edited by suus

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: first............ bro............

i think you should move out...............its a right that islam has given your wife....... no matter what some other posters are saying about this..... thats all nonsense

your mother as you say is a reasonable person........ she should not become upset, their is no reason to, moving to a place of your own dosent necessarily have to mean you are abandoning her.......

as far as that brother saying you will get another wife but not another mother and Allah being displeased stuff to that i have to say :mad: your wife has rights too...... that islam has given her, if you just throw her out like this, i dont think Allah is going to be very happy and you will questioned about your women on the day of judgement. what if someone's mother wants to make a housemaid of her DIL unjustly putting all the load of housework on her and the wife resists beacuse its not her responsibilty .......solution: throw the wife out ???? bow to mother in law's wishes and think Allah will be happy with you.

All of the sons of our Imam Ali ( (as) lives in houses of thier own after marriage, also Bibi fatima (as) never lived with her inlaws....... their lives are an example for us........

secondly, i have a question regarding the title of this post "problems with wife" ........ will you please explain....... wha exactly are the problems with your wife...... ??? apart for the fact that she dosent want to communicate with you mother on certain issues........? how is her behaviour with your family otherwise........

bro.... 3 months is a very very small time for MIL , DIL relations to develop sufficiently to start discussing uncomfortable issues.........

discussing issues head on with the MIL after 3 months of marraige is not very grown up thing to do either, she dosent know how the MIL is going to react?she could be thinking what if it upsets MIL and then she will be in a more uncomfortable position especially keeping in mind the fact that she has to live in the same house.........

telling you from my experience..... MIL s can react very differently to exactly the same issue depending wether the issue is brought forward by the DIL or her own son and daughter........its natural....... i knw you will defend your mom by saying so she's very sweet but accept it DIL are never treated equal to own daughters o matter how nice the DIL or MIL is. so maybe your wife wants you to handle the issue.......

another advice for the newly married brothers out there : never ever go and discuss with your mother what your wife talks about/ discusses with you in private. the way it was done by you, most likely your wife felt betrayed, if you keep on doing this she will start closing up, never discussing the issues bothering her and later even about everyday things and it can lead to serious communication problems and result : disaster.

move out !

:

Edited by ray-of-light

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When will people learn that join families are almost always a bad idea in the long term? Did Imam Ali (as) and Bib Fatima (as) live with Rasul Allah (pbuh)? No. Did any of Imam Ali (as)'s children live with him after getting married? No. Can anyone show me one narration where the Imams (as) recommended this joint-family structure. Families should be close, and should see each other often, but living together is not a good idea. People need to realize the pressure to live together is cultural, and has nothing to do with Islam.

You have mentioned that you have a brother who lives with your mother, so your presence is certainly not necessary. If you can afford it, move out.

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I told my mom about an issue and my mom addressed it to her, straight in her face with a sweet tone.

Right after this my wife was pissed at me and said I broke her trust blah blah.

The main issue between you two at the moment is not your mother, or the fact that you live with your family, but is the fact that you don't understand what your wife is trying to tell you by complaining.

There is a big difference between the way a women communicates and that of a man, and the fundamental error which you are commiting is to interpret the complaints of your wife as something that needs to be 'fixed' rather than realising the emotional security she seeks in you. Whenever someone complains to us men, we immediately seek to 'fix' the issue, almost like we have a natural DIY syndrome. Whereas in the eyes of a lady its the complete oppositte, when she complains to a man, regardless of whether it is her mother in law or how bad her work place is, all she wants us to do is listen, smile, and reassure her that we are there for her.

The reason your wife told you that you had broken her trust was because she never complained to you for you to then go and 'fix' the problem, she just wanted you to listen, smile and reassure her that everything is going to be fine. The most common problem is that the man, once hearing the complaints of his wife and not realising she is just seeking love and attention, then turns scoldful and feels that she is in fact blaming him for not being able to do more.

John Gray wrote a book called Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus where he explains the difference in communication style and emotional needs between the two genders. He goes to the extent of saying that we (men and women) are so far apart in our manners of communication that it is as if we are from two different planets, hence the title of the book! You might want to give it a read to understand to get a better insight to what I'm trying to say.

What your wife is going through Gray refers to as the 'Wave':

The "wave" is a term Gray uses to describe a natural cycle for women that is centered around their abilities to give to other people. He claims that when they feel full of love and energy to give to others their wave is in a stable place. As they give to others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention given to them in return) their wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes. This is a time when a woman needs the love, listening, understanding and reassurance of those around her (including self love). Gray holds that once she is rejuvenated (by getting the support she needs) she is able to rise like a wave and once again has love and energy to give. Men must support this natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she should not feel this way. Men can simply listen to her, constantly reassure her of his love/commitment/monogamy or take a few chores off her back (just a few simple chores will do). Most men get threatened because they think, "Why can't she be happy?" or think she is blaming him, but that is not the case.

Instead of trying to deal with her complaining like you would with a broken table try to just listen, smile and give her your shoulder for reassurance. I guarantuee you your problems will go down, just understand what shes trying to say and what she wants from you, through her eyes (a loving husband), not yours (a fix it up husband).

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The main issue between you two at the moment is not your mother, or the fact that you live with your family, but is the fact that you don't understand what your wife is trying to tell you by complaining.

There is a big difference between the way a women communicates and that of a man, and the fundamental error which you are commiting is to interpret the complaints of your wife as something that needs to be 'fixed' rather than realising the emotional security she seeks in you. Whenever someone complains to us men, we immediately seek to 'fix' the issue, almost like we have a natural DIY syndrome. Whereas in the eyes of a lady its the complete oppositte, when she complains to a man, regardless of whether it is her mother in law or how bad her work place is, all she wants us to do is listen, smile, and reassure her that we are there for her.

The reason your wife told you that you had broken her trust was because she never complained to you for you to then go and 'fix' the problem, she just wanted you to listen, smile and reassure her that everything is going to be fine. The most common problem is that the man, once hearing the complaints of his wife and not realising she is just seeking love and attention, then turns scoldful and feels that she is in fact blaming him for not being able to do more.

John Gray wrote a book called Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus where he explains the difference in communication style and emotional needs between the two genders. He goes to the extent of saying that we (men and women) are so far apart in our manners of communication that it is as if we are from two different planets, hence the title of the book! You might want to give it a read to understand to get a better insight to what I'm trying to say.

What your wife is going through Gray refers to as the 'Wave':

Instead of trying to deal with her complaining like you would with a broken table try to just listen, smile and give her your shoulder for reassurance. I guarantuee you your problems will go down, just understand what shes trying to say and what she wants from you, through her eyes (a loving husband), not yours (a fix it up husband).

Oh my gosh, a man who gets it! You are AWESOME! *high five*

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John Gray wrote a book called Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus where he explains the difference in communication style and emotional needs between the two genders. He goes to the extent of saying that we (men and women) are so far apart in our manners of communication that it is as if we are from two different planets, hence the title of the book! You might want to give it a read to understand to get a better insight to what I'm trying to say.

This must be a really popular book, becayse just today, ahlul bayt tv showed a recent lecture by Sheikh Muhammad al-Hilli, and he was talking about the same book.

Perhaps I should read it before I get married

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This must be a really popular book, becayse just today, ahlul bayt tv showed a recent lecture by Sheikh Muhammad al-Hilli, and he was talking about the same book.

Perhaps I should read it before I get married

Definately give it a read bro, its a great book which will give you a valuable insight to the mindframe, communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender which in turn will enable you to live a more healthy and benefitial marital relationship. And even if you dont read the book, a little bit of marriage experience will grant you first hand experience of what hes talking about (provided your not a chauvinistic ego dominated person intent on stepping on everyone that comes your way (including your wife)). The only thing is no one in the West has so successfully worded and conceputalised these ideas into a pseudo academic textbook-esque style quite like John Gray. The "bible" of married life as some refer to it.

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When will people learn that join families are almost always a bad idea in the long term? Did Imam Ali (as) and Bib Fatima (as) live with Rasul Allah (pbuh)? No. Did any of Imam Ali (as)'s children live with him after getting married? No. Can anyone show me one narration where the Imams (as) recommended this joint-family structure. Families should be close, and should see each other often, but living together is not a good idea. People need to realize the pressure to live together is cultural, and has nothing to do with Islam.

You have mentioned that you have a brother who lives with your mother, so your presence is certainly not necessary. If you can afford it, move out.

There is definate wisdom in the A'imma not living in joint families, yet moving out is not the only criteria needed for a perfect relationship. If the issue is not dealt with at the core, which is the misunderstanding of communication between the couple, then tomorrow it will pop up again in a new form, she will be complaining about the state of the house, or how many chores she has to do now that the couple are living out etc, then what will you do? Move back in with your parents?

Also keep in mind that the A'imma had the means to live out, there was no issue of 25 year mortgage or house reposessions, whereas those couples who live in joint families nowadays don't have that sense of housing or financial security, especially if your marrying young. I married at the age of 19, I know someone who married at the age of 18, another at the age of 20, all of us had no chance of moving out and of course our parents assisted us. I'd be very surprised for someone married under the age of 22/23 to be living out by themselves on their own money.

I've been living in a joint family for the past 11 months (8 of us all together) and though I do agree with you as it is not the ideal situation long term, I do have to say there are alot of benefits to it in todays age of financial difficulties. As Br. Haji aptly put it, living out gives you physical freedom but in return financial slavery.

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Definately give it a read bro, its a great book which will give you a valuable insight to the mindframe, communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender which in turn will enable you to live a more healthy and benefitial marital relationship. And even if you dont read the book, a little bit of marriage experience will grant you first hand experience of what hes talking about (provided your not a chauvinistic ego dominated person intent on stepping on everyone that comes your way (including your wife)). The only thing is no one in the West has so successfully worded and conceputalised these ideas into a pseudo academic textbook-esque style quite like John Gray. The "bible" of married life as some refer to it.

Yea, I'll be sure to take a look at it, I do consider myslef quite a feminist actually, of course, within the bounds of islam.

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Thanks every one..

I'll have to read that book and give a copy to my wife as well.

The thing is that I can't leave my mom because she has raised me as a single

mother all my life. If she had a husband it would be different, but she is alone

and if I leave she will feel super betrayed and maybe her health will even go bad.

I'll have to work around this situation. Inshallah allmightly Allah will guide me toward the

tools and mindset to solve this issue.

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Thanks every one..

I'll have to read that book and give a copy to my wife as well.

The thing is that I can't leave my mom because she has raised me as a single

mother all my life. If she had a husband it would be different, but she is alone

and if I leave she will feel super betrayed and maybe her health will even go bad.

I'll have to work around this situation. Inshallah allmightly Allah will guide me toward the

tools and mindset to solve this issue.

but she wont be alone....... you have a brother.......and like i said earlier movinf to aseperate house dosent mean abandoning her........

till the time your bro gets married things will hav hopefully settled down between you and your wife and your mother can live at you and your bro homes periodically

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Lets see how many of wise people giving advices to dump old parents feel when it happens to them. The old people prefer company of their loved ones and not be taken to old people,s home or be left alone. You raise a son and when you need his company in frail and old age you find him gone to enjoy his youthful life with his wife. That is cruelty in the eyes of Allah. Totally irresponsible.

It is easy to say I will seperate my son when he is married. You can say that at a young age but your opinion will definitely change when you are old frail and weak.

All the children especially sons should stay very close to parents.

Good luck to you all.

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^ i kind of agree with the spirit of what you are saying, but you are making a generalisation that would make many men look bad.

By your logic, when men go off to najf to study, they are commiting a massive sin, not everyone is an only child, in the case of this brother, he has another brother at home to be with his mother

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The thing is that I can't leave my mom because she has raised me as a single

mother all my life. If she had a husband it would be different, but she is alone

and if I leave she will feel super betrayed and maybe her health will even go bad.

Of course bro, your responsibility lies with your mother, and if you sort things out with your wife, then she will realise this also. Now that you've got married it will be extremely wrong to neglect the one who raised you single handedly your whole life, and at the same time your mother should understand that you need time and space to work out your new relationship with your wife. If you can balance the demands on you from both your mother and your wife then you shouldn't have many problems.

I would suggest wait for a year after your marriage to think about whether moving out or not and to judge the situation, as that will be enough time for things to settle down and for your wife and mother to get used to one another.

Edited by Sadiq M...

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^ i kind of agree with the spirit of what you are saying, but you are making a generalisation that would make many men look bad.

By your logic, when men go off to najf to study, they are commiting a massive sin, not everyone is an only child, in the case of this brother, he has another brother at home to be with his mother

Well yes, going to study when your parents are in need of you to help look after them or run the house is absolutely wrong, and we have the story of Uways al-Qarni as evidence to this. If your parents are fine mentally, physically and financially, and your absence will not be missed much then there would be no harm going to study as parents should be supporting of their childrens desire for wanting to better themselves. But how can one go off to study when their elderly parents are forced to slave off 35 hour weeks to put a roof over their head and food on the table? What kind of Islam is this?

And as for moving out, its not as easy as it sounds. In this scenario, his mother has invested alot of her own time, sweat and blood in nurturing him as a single mother, if he was to turn his back on her now after his marriage not appreciating his mothers efforts she would feel betrayed and extremely vulnerable, especially if he is the eldest son and the 'backbone' of the family, and for all we know his other brother could be 10 years old. If there was a father figure present in the family then I could understand if he wanted to move out, but considering there isn't and the amount of responsibility that lies on his shoulder it would be tantamount to dhulm to abandon his mother at this time in her life. Moving out is not the solution, and the wife should have been made clear of this before she married him.

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Definately give it a read bro, its a great book which will give you a valuable insight to the mindframe, communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender

Here's a summary:

WORDS WOMEN USE

******************************

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right

and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -

this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your

football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an

even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is

usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you

inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an

argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over

"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will

get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by

"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when

she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often

misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at

that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and

arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she

is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay

content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a

man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before

paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is

often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big

trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance

to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is

that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful

and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when

she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in

some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not

to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you

"Nothing"

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John Gray wrote a book called Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus where he explains the difference in communication style and emotional needs between the two genders. He goes to the extent of saying that we (men and women) are so far apart in our manners of communication that it is as if we are from two different planets, hence the title of the book! You might want to give it a read to understand to get a better insight to what I'm trying to say.

What your wife is going through Gray refers to as the 'Wave':

Do you realise how bad some of these relationship books can be? They have no scientific basis for some of their claims. They generalise human behaviour after taking only a small portion of humans as their examples. You can't expect all humans to behave like a sample of fasiqeen. http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/article2602555.ece "Language professor Deborah Cameron tells why the modern myth that the sexes are on different planets when it comes to communication is wrong and dangerous"

If you want to read books by someone who has actually done done proper research into the dynamics of communication in marriage (and outside) then read the books of Dr John Gottman as a start.

Edited by Muhammed Ali

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(salam)

Recently though my wife has started to become more open in voicing

her opinion about my mom to me. Basically my mom will say or do something that

my wife doesn't like (not intentionally though) and my wife will come to me and complain.

I tell her that she needs to learn how to communicate about issues to my mom and not

hold it all in herself (or rather make me not go crazy)

She comes from a family where younguns can't discuss the wrongs of adults, and so

she keeps things bottled up, and doesn't take the mature approach to discuss issues.

She thinks its going to make things a lot worse if she says anything (and basically she has

no courage to do it anyways). I tell her that issues will never get resolved if we all don't talk about it.

But she absolutely refuses to talk to my mom head on about issues. I have so many arguments with her

about the fact that she needs to grow up, and discuss things when things aren't right.

What do you think?

Why do you think she is at fault for speaking/complaining about your own mother? I think she is making a good decision to raise her objection through you and not go straight to your mother. You are a neutral party here because you love both (your mother and your wife). You will be able to see both side (your mother's and your wife's).

You need to remember that you are providing the accommodation. She didn't have a choice on where you guys are staying after the marriage.

You cannot fault her for not speaking directly to your mother. Joint family systems are bad. But if you want to maintain a harmonious living in a joint family environment then you need to play an activate role as a mediator between your wife and other members of your family.

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(salam)

Why do you think she is at fault for speaking/complaining about your own mother? I think she is making a good decision to raise her objection through you and not go straight to your mother. You are a neutral party here because you love both (your mother and your wife). You will be able to see both side (your mother's and your wife's).

You need to remember that you are providing the accommodation. She didn't have a choice on where you guys are staying after the marriage.

You cannot fault her for not speaking directly to your mother. Joint family systems are bad. But if you want to maintain a harmonious living in a joint family environment then you need to play an activate role as a mediator between your wife and other members of your family.

Problem is that when I try to mediate, she gets pissed. She thinks keeping quiet and bottling it all up is the method to solving the situation.

When I tell her that I'll discuss it with my mom she just doesn't want it. She wants me to just be quiet while she keeps reminding me

of the problem over and over again.

At this point she is making little comments to me all the time, in-directly criticizing my mom - and even me.

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At this point she is making little comments to me all the time, in-directly criticizing my mom - and even me.

This isn't good, and you need to make her realise that its not on - and that it goes both ways. Its never nice to hear bad comments about yourself, less so about your mother, Tell her (nicely) that you do not appreciate such comments. With time, they'll become more direct and nasty if you guys allow yourself to criticise each other and each others family,

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My brother is very irresponsible and chooses to spend a lot of time outside of the

house so I definitely can't leave him in charge.

I'll just have to balance all this.

Do what you think is best for the situation. We're all giving you advice but we don't really know the background of your family. Inshallah Allah bestows you all with patience.

One advice I will give you, which is gold (seeing as how I am a woman so I know how it feels): DONT TAKE SIDES.

Be neutral. Not TOTALLY neutral, like be clever in giving your advice, but don't take sides. Don't side with your mother in front of her no matter how right you think she is. Your new wife wants your llove right now, and this is the most fragile time for a couple in their marriage. The first year can make or break a relationship. Be politically wise, kind to her, and don't tell her things like "grow up" or "be mature". She wants you to be by her and listen to her. If you play your cards right, she'll love your mother like her own. Trust me.

Just don't always at the polar opposite from her.

Problem is that when I try to mediate, she gets pissed.

Mediating doesn't always mean, go to your mother and tell her what your wife said.

Don't do that! We like to make sure you're with us. Especially for her, since she's in a ttoootalllyyy different environment than she was used to. Just give her love!!! And attention!

A small kiss or hug when she least expects it can make her happy for the rest of the day. Like when she's putting on her hijab and looking at the mirror :P just a hug for "no reason" really lightens the moods and makes us much more subtle for the rest of the day.

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(salam)

Problem is that when I try to mediate, she gets pissed. She thinks keeping quiet and bottling it all up is the method to solving the situation.

When I tell her that I'll discuss it with my mom she just doesn't want it. She wants me to just be quiet while she keeps reminding me

of the problem over and over again.

At this point she is making little comments to me all the time, in-directly criticizing my mom - and even me.

I have to agree with you that keeping quiet will not solve this issue. It appears that you are trying and have tried to address a number of issues brought by your wife.

Does your wife get along with your mother? I don't mean on the superficial way. Do they really get along?

None of us here know the exact dynamic of your family. But based on all the problems that she has highlighted so far, do you think these problems are re-occurring in nature or are they fixable (one time only)?

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I think its time to put this hadith of Imam Ali (as)

O people, obey not the women in any case, nor trust them with money, nor let them be in charge of the children, for if they are left to do what pleases them, they will lead (you) to troubles and transgress the rights of the lords. We found them to be unhesitating when they are in need, impatient when their (sexual) lust is at peak, wasteful spending is part of them even if they are old, and self-admiration follows them even at their senior age. They don't appreciate the plenty (that they possess) when they are prevented (from acquiring) the little. They forget the good and recall the bad. They rush to falsehood, insist on arrogance and follow Satan. So deal with them in any case, address them well that their deeds be well (as a result).

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I think its time to put this hadith of Imam Ali (as)

O people, obey not the women in any case, nor trust them with money, nor let them be in charge of the children, for if they are left to do what pleases them, they will lead (you) to troubles and transgress the rights of the lords. We found them to be unhesitating when they are in need, impatient when their (sexual) lust is at peak, wasteful spending is part of them even if they are old, and self-admiration follows them even at their senior age. They don't appreciate the plenty (that they possess) when they are prevented (from acquiring) the little. They forget the good and recall the bad. They rush to falsehood, insist on arrogance and follow Satan. So deal with them in any case, address them well that their deeds be well (as a result).

Single?

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