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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Salman23

I Just Need Some Shia Help.....

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Salam brothers,

I have a dilemma. A girl that I met by chance online several months ago and I are planning on telling each other's parents about our desire to get engaged to each other,coming in the month of Rabil Awal. We even met in person when her family came to the other side of the nation...about a 15 hour drive,to go to a family friend's party. That family friend is friends with yet ANOTHER family friend whose son is Shia and one of my best friends (small world,right?). So we ended up meeting in person several months after we met online and knew that we were interested in each other. The chances of this happening are slim to possibly none,yet it happened. At that party,my Shia friend who is friends with the girl's family introduced me to her father,and he knows me by name,and I'm sure he'll remember me when I talk to him. Me and her have been talking since then,deeply,about everything. She has opened herself up to me and I have done so as well,we both know that there is absolutely nobody else we want to spend our lives with. That much is for certain. The problem is that we want to go about this in as halal a way as possible. I already know that us even "talking" is haram,so please nobody needs to tell me that...we know what our mistakes were. The thing is, when the time comes this Rabil Awal to talk to her father,by means of e-mail first,then possibly phone and what not....HOW do I go about this????? Do I mention to him that me and her have been talking for almost a year now? We will not talk during Moharram and most of Safar,for obvious reasons. Even when we do talk,it's not just a simple matter of how lovesick idiots these days do "ooohhhh babyyyy I miss you" etc...We are both trying to be the best Shias we can,bettering ourselves,Inshallah through each other too. If anything,she has made me even more religious and in love with my faith. So I can list a million reasons of how this is "real" between me and her. I just don't want to mess this up guys. I feel like opportunities like these come once in a lifetime...My father was once in his early 20s, he knows how a man longs for love with a woman. I go to a college that is known in the nation for it's partying,women are everywhere,as is alcohol. None of that appeals to me,to be brutally honest. I know who I love and want to be with, and even without her my faith is too solid to be tempted by the likes of such things. So anyways,like I said, I just don't want to mess anything up...I plan on talking to my father at our masjid underneath the Alam about this. Do I tell him that me and her have been talking online for all these months and I flat out love her? We both think that is a wrong idea....Or do I lessen it by saying we have,yet not too often,and we know that we were wrong for it,now we just want to be halal as possible and in the open with everything? OR do I just mention that after meeting initially at the party, I was the one who showed interest online,and we talked for a bit,stopped,and realized we needed to bring this to our parents ASAP (this is the option we are considering right now) I do not want to give them the wrong impression off the bat, I don't know if I should tell my father that I actually "love" this girl yet,should I? All I want is his approval and of course her father's approval to be with her,be engaged,and eventually married Inshallah...I'm willing to do all I can,open up,be myself,I just want this halal as possible. It's just driving me crazy,I'm so ready for this to be out of the way,I don't want them to feel we've been going behind their backs because we're just bad people...I admit,we shouldn't have,but I can't dwell on the past anymore. What matters is how I make the best of this,and I just need some advice as to what to say to both of them...please guys, if you took the time to read this,just please help a Shia in need,I've been depressed about this for the longest time since we decided we want to be with each other. I have no one to turn to besides her,and we need other help besides each other...that's all I ask...if you need any more details just ask.

just for some extra background info:

Her parents do not want her to be married soon after engagement, she is in the middle of college as am I,though I am a year older than her. They want her to actually develop a relationship with her fiance and have time to finish school and get to know each other before the actual Nikah...so it's not like I'm even asking to be wed off to her tomorrow,we are approaching this rationally. We just want this in the open,for our parents to know, and to be engaged hopefully next year,Inshallah...

Thanks, may Allah bless all of you who choose to give me aid

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(salam)

I believe the first step should be your parents. Your father or your mother should call the girl’s father and introduce your family. Don’t make it a surprise. Tell the girl, to tell her parent to expect the phone call.

You parents can make the small talk, introduce your family, your occupations, your qualifications and generally good thing about you. Then before they hang-up the phone, your parents should give you the phone so you can speak for few minutes (say hello to your father in law and don’t embarrasses yourself). Here the important thing is to set a time and date when your parents can visit them.

The next step is to visit the girl’s family on the appointed date.

Dress well, be polite and charming and please don’t embarrass yourself.

The third step is the marriage.

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Sister Zareen, thank you so much for that. It helped greatly...that's the plan then. We are planning on telling them in Rabbil Awal as soon as Safar ends...I asked a Maulana (Maulana Javed Abidi) about it online,basically the same as I told you and everyone else who can see, and he said in urdu..."khadam barhao...naik kaam may hum tumaray saath hain"...for those who can't understand it, it just means that "take a step forward and do it...it is a good thing that you are doing and I have your back all the way" ...So that reassures me quite a bit...just nerves from here. I guess I'm just worried really,she has been engaged 2 times before, and both times it ended up being something wrong with the guy, so I know I have alot to prove...either way,I know what I have to do and I will do nothing short of my absolute best. I can't thank you enough for the help...May Allah and Maula a.s. bless you.

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wow sounds like a real bollywood shia version movie !

no judgements but good luck ! and yes tell the father that you will agree to all nuptial agreements and criteria the girl puts good luck !!!!

i agree with sister zareens advice : please do not forget that not being greedy and chivalry is a must! if u do go to her parents house bring your parents with you. Take some gifts along , and if baat is pakki then : include the basket of fruit , dresses for the girl , flowers , sweets and a ring ofcourse :)

oh wait : this was posted on the 22cnd of sept.. :huh:

Edited by Ugly_Betty

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Sister Zareen, thank you so much for that. It helped greatly...that's the plan then. We are planning on telling them in Rabbil Awal as soon as Safar ends...I asked a Maulana (Maulana Javed Abidi) about it online,basically the same as I told you and everyone else who can see, and he said in urdu..."khadam barhao...naik kaam may hum tumaray saath hain"...for those who can't understand it, it just means that "take a step forward and do it...it is a good thing that you are doing and I have your back all the way" ...So that reassures me quite a bit...just nerves from here. I guess I'm just worried really,she has been engaged 2 times before, and both times it ended up being something wrong with the guy, so I know I have alot to prove...either way,I know what I have to do and I will do nothing short of my absolute best. I can't thank you enough for the help...May Allah and Maula a.s. bless you.

The best way to prove , I believe, is you send good clothes and clothing accessories to your future mother in law

in that way your engagement will be strong and this time your mother in law wont find any faults in you like she found in other guys , if you just do that........

happy married life for you insh Allah

and dont forget to send sweets to shiachat family ? :P

Edited by centr

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^^ sumthin lyk.. DIAMOND NECKLACE for the mother-in-law? :unsure: sum1 sed tht to me.. :P hmmmm :P

are you suggesting him to be a tennis ball between mother in law and his wife ? neither wife will leave nor mother in law , he will run away for sure. ,...that's expensive gift :P plus he ows shiachat family sweets so all is well..........

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Salam,

 

Be carefull as love is blind ...

 

But if she makes you want to read Quran and go more religous then that is a good sign !!!

Edited by ZaqiYumani

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