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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Bintaliraq

Need Opinion

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Salam alkum everyone

I need every one's opinion from man and women about a issue I'm currently going through and it's crushing me

before me and my guy got engaged we used to agree on things and follow it but after we got engaged he's been

acting very weird talking very different like people been talking in his head when we have known each other for over a year

now we been going through problems such as he saying I'm the man Im in controll and I controll your life period and I cant say anything

he goes against everything I tell him to do and calls me im jealous and trying to take control of him when the whole point is that is something

is bothering me and he goes against it and hurts my feelings is that how muslim iraqi man are?

there was a issue of a girl his friend adding him on facebook and telling him to call her because she took the scarf off and she

want's to explain it to him on the phone instead of typing it so since then i never liked this girl because I felt thats kind of disrespecting me

so i told him this waas before we got engaged and he deleted her than recently she added him and i called him and told him i dont like this girl

because of that suitution and i dont want you to add her so he went against me added her and said its none of my business who I add and your no body

to tell me what to do what to do in MY LIFE

and another event he said that he would do what ever he wants like hang out with his friends

go out and its none my business to ask or know

now I want to know am does this seem like I'm jealous or is there lack of respect for me and trying to control me and make me a pet?

he's basically telling me I have no voice to speak or ask about anything if somethings hurting me and bothering I have to deal with it because he is THE MAN!

brothers and sisters tell me if this right? is this what Islam teaching?

I doubt islam teaching this because marriage its supposed to be beautiful

with respect and agreement of everything and there is no such thing is thats yours and thats mine

its supposed to be ours and we both have to agree to make each other happy right?

or am i wrong please explain to me because I feel like he's trying to run my life and make me a pet or a toy

ps. Sisters would you allow a guy that you are engaged too to treat you like this?

Brothers would you treat your wifes to be like this? or allow a guy thats engaged to your sisters to treat her like this and talk to her like this?

there is more into the issue and I'm not going into details because I would sit here for hours and type

Edited by Bintaliraq

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salam

You need to break the engagement asap. He is not the type of man you would want to spend your life with.

There is more to this issue but I want everyone's opinions and I will head

to the mosque tomorrow to get more opinions of whats the right thing to do

this is hurting me very bad and he doesn't seem to care at all :cry:

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First don't rush into marriage.

Second, if he stays like this even after you explain to him that this kind of disrespect(telling you everything is none of your business and giving you the "MY LIFE" lecture?!!) you will break the engagement and not marry him, then please reconsider your relationship..seriously.

Not all Iraqi men are like this, but if you're engaged to one of those disrespectful ones then try to speak with him , voice your concerns and disagreement, if it does not work try to teach him a lesson, if it does not work just back off and let him chose someone of his kinds and let yourself the chance to meet someone who understand that a marital relationship is about "we, us, together, our life" not "me, myself, MY life"....Why did he get engaged with another human being if he want's to live "his OWN life" ?!!

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First don't rush into marriage.

Second, if he stays like this even after you explain to him that this kind of disrespect(telling you everything is none of your business and giving you the "MY LIFE" lecture?!!) you will break the engagement and not marry him, then please reconsider your relationship..seriously.

Not all Iraqi men are like this, but if you're engaged to one of those disrespectful ones then try to speak with him , voice your concerns and disagreement, if it does not work try to teach him a lesson, if it does not work just back off and let him chose someone of his kinds and let yourself the chance to meet someone who understand that a marital relationship is about "we, us, together, our life" not "me, myself, MY life"....Why did he get engaged with another human being if he want's to live "his OWN life" ?!!

I'm not rushing it like I used too now I'm realizing stuff that I haven't

plus like I said THERE IS PEOPLE TALKING IN HIS HEAD and I'm 100% sure

because he was never like this I still explain it to him that he have to understands what

hurts me and bothers me and he should respect me he says yeah you can't control me so stop that and stop being jealous

but I just want to know what am I being jealous of when something is hurting me deeply and making me cry? If I'm jealous

I would go do the same as he does but I don't and trying my best and hardest to respect him and still do what he tells me

but It hurts me when he sits there and says im jealous and goes and tell his parents n his parents say oh she's jealous..

shouldnt his parents teach him tomorrow I will have a speak with his mother after I go visit the mosque about this issue

I really try to keep my family away because they would be hurt and would call them and say end it NOW! I'm handling this like I am married to him now

and I know no girl would handle this or her family would let her go through this.. but I bet even if I speak to his family

they would still side with him and say you have to listen to him this is very wrong and I'm sure Allah would not accept of this...

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I'm not rushing it like I used too now I'm realizing stuff that I haven't

plus like I said THERE IS PEOPLE TALKING IN HIS HEAD and I'm 100% sure

because he was never like this I still explain it to him that he have to understands what

hurts me and bothers me and he should respect me he says yeah you can't control me so stop that and stop being jealous

but I just want to know what am I being jealous of when something is hurting me deeply and making me cry? If I'm jealous

I would go do the same as he does but I don't and trying my best and hardest to respect him and still do what he tells me

but It hurts me when he sits there and says im jealous and goes and tell his parents n his parents say oh she's jealous..

shouldnt his parents teach him tomorrow I will have a speak with his mother after I go visit the mosque about this issue

I really try to keep my family away because they would be hurt and would call them and say end it NOW! I'm handling this like I am married to him now

and I know no girl would handle this or her family would let her go through this.. but I bet even if I speak to his family

they would still side with him and say you have to listen to him this is very wrong and I'm sure Allah would not accept of this...

Here's another weakness he has. Why on earth a man old enough to be married tells his parents about what happens between him and his wife/fiancee"?

Sister, what is the mosque going to do for you? It's a issue between you and him. Even if you speak with his parents AND even if his parents side with YOU, he will not change if they speak with him. It is either he changes because he is convinced a marital life is not to be handled like this OR he would change for your sake because he does not want to lose you!

A sudden change like the one you mentioned , nice before engaged but mean and disrespectful after engagement is something we hear a lot about-Usually because the man takes the woman for granted since she's "his" now, he shows his real personality now that he does not have to beg for your hand anymore.

Whether you are being jealous or not there is no happy marital life that will come from a man who says "I go out whenever I want, where ever I want, do whatever I want and it's MY LIFE, none of your business", that's just too much..that's not partnership anymore..Might as well stay single if he does not want to share his life...

That said, most men(single people in general) as not used to sharing their life with someone else, they are not used to someone questioning them, they are not used to having a soul mate and most of the time it is expected that they act this way for-a-while . You need to try to work it out with him before considering ending your relationship. Some single men find it very difficult and embarrassing to refuse an invitation to add a classmate or old friend on their facebook, msn, etc so once they get engaged and this "someone else" restricts their contacts they would get very upset about it and find you "jealous" as your fiance said. The bright side is that, most of the time these problems are temporary, it takes some time until both parties understand that they have entered a new life where they have to both agree on what they do . It will take effort and time before he sacrifice his "embarrassment" of refusing a girl mate on his facebook for the sake of his wife's wishes.

My advice to you is to not let a third party interfere but rather you and him work it out together. It wont work from the first time, but if he loves you, it will end up working. I hear many couples complaining about situations very similar to yours, they usually end up solving the problem. If these facebook things hurt you and make you cry, then insist on explaining the matter to him-Don't just swallow it and keep crying the rest of your life.

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I do want to add that he recently became this religious figure

he was never religious so now he believes that in the quran says

that MAN is over his wife and his wife must obey everything he says and does

In a way if it says that I believe what obey means- respect him, be there for him, cook, clean, understand, listen to him.

but I dont think it means- treat her like shes nothing, treat her like a dog, yell at her, beat her, she must listen or she can go to hell, etc etc

its so many people take the quran words so wrongly and inshallah god will punish them in the deepth of hell :mad::cry:

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(salam)

Bintaliraq,

You said he changed. But are you sure he was not this way since the beginning? How well do you know him?

IF you cannot speak to him now, then you are going to have bigger problem after marriage.

As for being friendly with the opposite sex (female), if he is as religious as you say he is, then why is he even speaking/being friendly with opposite sex?

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(bismillah)

(salam)

Cut off this engagement before you get stuck in an abusive marriage.

All the signs are there; it's better to end the engagement and end your dealings with him before it's too late

And this guy clearly doesn't have much religious knowledge. That in itself should be enough for you to break up with him. Choose someone who is knowledgable and religious.

And don't forget the hadith of the Prophet (pbuh):

"The best among you is the one who is best to his wives and I am the best (in being good) to my wives"

al-Faqih, v.4, p.443

was salam

Edited by lotfilms

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salaam sister,

to be honest with you, i think that marrying a man that treats you this way is only going to be constant heartache and stress,

you deserve the world, every person deserves respect and that is pure disrespect.

i cant comprehend why some men belive in only certain aspects of the quaran yet not others,

they interpret it the wrong way and abuse it....

"As for being friendly with the opposite sex (female), if he is as religious as you say he is, then why is he even speaking/being friendly with opposite sex?

i second this. im sorry but i dont agree with facebook and other devices like it, where men have a vogage into communitcating with other women,

this is too wrong. if you two are engaged now he shouldn't be going out, talking to girls and then disrespecting you for being hurt.

i recently just broke up with my partner of 1 year because he could not commit,

he changed and to tell you the truth you never really know someone until things like this situation occur.

i would say to talk with him and break it off and see how he reacts to you and you hurt but in my circumstance when i did that

he came back apologized and promised me the world and that he would change and he did for a while,

but then they just go back to their old demeaning ways......

maybe im not the best person to talk to about this beacuse honestly i belive every woman deserves the same respect that we as women

give our men and if they cant keep up than they arent worth it, not one bit. you need to listen honestly to your heart and to your prayers,

do what feels right. because is the heartache you will feel if you end it as bad as it will be in a lifetime of marriage? marriage is a big step

and if things dont work out, do you want to be a divorced woman looking for a 2nd marriage?

take you time think it through,

test his ways and his words,

but more importantly actions speak louder than words....

inshallah things will work out...

take care in the mean time.

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Salam,

I suggest you call off the engagement. If he has the nerve to disrespect and disregard you and your opinions this early on then i highly doubt that he will ever change. Personally i would'nt stand for such things, if you have already tried speaking to him without an outcome then walk away. Its easier said than done i know but this is YOUR life and its best your resolve this early on rather than after marriage. Also I dont believe that other people have the potential to 'change' him or to influence him in any way...men don't change over night. That is the problem with relationships before marriage, the person can seem like the perfect match for you but when it comes time to comit their true colours eventaully begin to surface.

Be strong and walk away you deserve better.

W/salam

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